Speak English Jokes
124 speak english jokes and hilarious speak english puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about speak english that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.
Funniest Speak English Short Jokes
Short speak english jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The speak english humour may include short learning english jokes also.
- When I was in Japan I was asked by a woman on the train, "What's black and white and red all over?" "Wow" I replied. "You speak English?"
She replied, "Just a riddle". - When Kim Jong-Un met Donald Trump some questioned whether he could actually speak English It has now been reported that Trump actually managed several sentences in almost fluent English.
- i told my cat i was gonna teach him to speak English ... he looked at me & said "Me? how?"
- I said to my English speaking girlfriend, Today I meet a guy who posts on Reddit. That's 'met a', she replied.
- I used to own a Raven in Boston It could speak English, but the only word it knew was "Car"
- I wonder if stereotypically romantic Spanish characters...talk in pauses...because they learned...how to speak English...by watching...the subtitles...of romantic movies.
- What's the difference between Trump and Macron? One can speak English fluently and the other is the US President.
- Learning English So a man and his wife decided to speak in English at home to improve their language skills.
Her: Hunney, I'm going to rest a little bit.
Him: Sure hunney, rest in peace. - How do you say? How do you say ''Hablas Español'' in English?
Do you speak Spanish?
No, that's why I'm asking? - An English speaking man is dating a Spanish speaking women He makes sure to tell her "mucho" every day. It means a lot to her.
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Speak English One Liners
Which speak english one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with speak english? I can suggest the ones about speak and english speakers.
- in mexico, we don't say "I love you" cause we dont speak english.
- You know i speak two languages too. English (US)🇺🇸 and English (UK) 🇬🇧
- Have you ever tried to get french bread in a english speaking country ? It's a pain
- Why did Julius Caesar never say thank you to anyone? He didn't speak English.
- What language does a flight attendant speak? Plane English.
- How do you define someone who only speaks English? American.
- All gamers are bilingual... They speak both English and Profanity.
- This guy phoned my house and asked for my son. I said, "Speaking?"
He said, "English." - An unconvincing lie on a resume I good English speak.
- My dog can speak English! I asked him what was on top of the house and he said : roof
- What did the chicken say to the farmer Nothing, chickens don't speak English.
- i have been trying to teach my dog to speak English.... but his skills are ruff
- Let's talk business. - Ok, let's talk business.
- I'm sorry sir, I only speak English. - Never in his life has h**... said sorry He didn't speak English
- What did the r**... say to the Frenchman? You don't speak English fourchette!
Experience Instant Grins & Giggles with Playful Speak English Jokes
What funny jokes about speak english you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean english people jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make speak english pranks.
A Spanish man who doesn't speak English says to a Mexican woman, "Lady, I want to make the love with you," and she says, "Mande?" and he says, "No Monday, today."
Chuck Norris speaks english, french, spanish, italian and portuguese.
At the same time in every sentence.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
If something goes wrong at the office, blame the guy who can't speak English...
A guy takes his talking dog to a talent scout.
This dog can speak English, he claims to the unimpressed agent. Okay, Sport, the guys says to the dog, what's on the top of a house?
Roof! the dog replies.
Oh, come on… the talent agent responds. All dogs go 'roof'.
No, wait, the guy says. He asks the dog, What does sandpaper feel like?
Rough! the dog answers. The talent agent gives a condescending blank stare. He is losing his patience. No, hang on, the guy says. This one will amaze you. He turns and asks the dog, Who, in your opinion, was the greatest baseball player of all time?
Ruth! goes the dog. And the talent scout, having seen enough, boots them out of his office onto the street.
The dog turns to the guy and says, Maybe I shoulda said DiMaggio?
Ruth! (not sure if repost)
A guy has a talking dog. He brings it to a talent scout. "This dog can speak English," he claims to the unimpressed agent. "Okay, Sport," the guys says to the dog, "what's on the top of a house?" "Roof!" the dog replies. "Oh, come on..." the talent agent responds. "All dogs go 'roof'." "No, wait," the guy says. He asks the dog "what does sandpaper feel like?" "Rough!" the dog answers. The talent agent gives a condescending blank stare. He is losing his patience. "No, hang on," the guy says. "This one will amaze you. " He turns and asks the dog: "Who, in your opinion, was the greatest baseball player of all time?" "Ruth!" goes the dog. And the talent scout, having seen enough, boots them out of his office onto the street. And the dog turns to the guy and says "Maybe I shoulda said DiMaggio?"
I can speak any language.
I just don't understand what I'm saying in anything but english.
The wire brush
One of the few genuinely funny jokes I know that I originally learned in English:
During World War I, a British general is visiting an Army hospital. He shakes the hand of one soldier, who is lying in bed.
"What's wrong with you, son?"
"Gonorrhea, Sir!"
"What is the treatment for gonorrhea in the British Army?"
"The wire brush, Sir!"
"What is your fondest desire?"
"To recover and to serve the King and the country, Sir!"
The general then turns to another soldier.
"What's wrong with you, son?"
"Hemorrhoids, Sir!"
"What is the treatment for hemorrhoids in the British Army?"
"The wire brush, Sir!"
"What is your fondest desire?"
"To recover and to serve the King and the country, Sir!"
The general then turns to a third soldier.
"What's wrong with you, son?"
(softly) "Laryngitis, Sir!"
"What is the treatment for laryngitis in the British Army?"
(softly) "The wire brush, Sir!"
"I see that you have difficulty speaking. Is it true that your fondest desire is to recover and to serve the King and the country?"
(softly) "Nay, Sir. It is to grab the wire brush before the others, Sir."
Speaking in German in Texas
In Texas, there is a town named New Braunfels, where there is a large
German-speaking population.
One day, a local rancher driving down a country road noticed a man using his
hand to drink water from the rancher's stock pond.
The rancher rolled down the window and shouted: "Sehr angenehm! Trink das Wasser
nicht. Die kuehe haben darein geschissen." (Translated: "Glad to meet you!
Don't drink the water. The cows have crapped in it.")
The man shouted back: "I'm from New York and just down here campaigning for
Obama's health care plan. I can't understand you. Please speak in English."
The rancher replied: "Use both hands."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
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How to speak English
A Priest was about to finish his tour of duty, and was leaving his Mission in the jungle where he has spent years teaching the natives when he realizes that the one thing he never taught them was how to speak English.
So he takes the chief for a walk in the forest. He points to a tree and says to the chief, "This is a tree."
The chief looks at the tree and grunts, "Tree."
The Priest is pleased with the response. They walk a little further and he points to a rock and says, "This is a rock."
Hearing this, the chief looks and grunts, "Rock."
The Priest was really getting enthusiastic about the results when he hears a rustling in the bushes. As they peek over the top, he sees a couple of natives in the midst of heavy s**... activity.
The Priest is really flustered and quickly responds, "Man riding a Cycle "
The chief looks at the couple briefly, pulls out his blowgun and kills them.
The Priest goes ballistic and yells at the chief that he has spent years teaching the tribe how to be civilized and be kind to each other, so how could he kill these people in cold blood that way?
The chief replied, "My Cycle."
A Spanish man who spoke no English went into a department store...
A Spanish man who spoke no English went into a department store to buy socks. He found his way to the menswear department where a young lady offered to help him.
"Quiero calcetines" said the man.
"I don't speak Spanish, but we have some very nice suits over here." said the salesgirl.
"No, no quiero trajes. Quiero calcetines." said the man.
"Well, these shirts are on sale this week." declared the salesgirl.
"No, no quiero camisas. Quiero calcetines." repeated the man.
"I still don't know what you're trying to say. We have some fine pants on this rack." offered the salesgirl.
"No, no quiero pantalones. Quiero calcetines." insisted the man.
"These sweaters are top quality." the salesgirl probed.
"No, no quiero sueter. Quiero calcetines." said the man.
"Our undershirts are over here." fumbled the salesgirl, beginning to lose patience.
"No, no quiero camisetas. Quiero calcetines." the man repeated.
As they passed the underwear counter, the man spotted a display of socks and happily grabbed a pair. Holding them up he proclaimed "Eso sí que es!".
"Well, if you could spell it, why didn't you do that in the beginning?" asked the exasperated salesgirl.
My second favorite joke that came to me in a dream.
Woke up thinking I had told this one to all of my friends and they thought it was truly dumb. I told it to them IRL anyway:
Everybody else went back to the hostel, so I ended up walking around Switzerland by myself at one in the morning. I'm passing this bar when I hear people cheering. I could use a drink so I pop in, and I find all of the chairs pushed aside, and there's a guy in the middle of the floor juggling big slabs of beef. Right? So I grab a beer and sit down to watch, and it's actually, just, mesmerizing. The meat is raw, so it's sort of rippling through the air, fascinating to watch. I heard the guy next to me speak English, so I lean over and I ask him if this is primarily a Swiss sport or what. He says, "Yeah, it's hard to get people interested in sirloin juggling. You're not likely to make any money or even make a name for yourself, and yet the steaks are so high."
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USSR jokes about America
My dad told me this one was a classic when he lived in the former Soviet Union:
So as you know, Russia and America would send spies against each other frequently. All American spies were mandated to learn Russian and all Russians English.
Well so, the American spy gets dropped off in the middle of Siberia. Freezing, he goes to the nearest house and knocks.
When the owner gets to the door, the spy says, "May I please have some shelter and food?"
The owner of the house replies, "..........YOU MUST BE SPY!"
The spy immediately is baffled and attempts to cover up, "What are you talking about?!"
"No black man speaks Russian!"
In the 18th century, a hopeful Asian laborer landed in America and went straight to the employment office.
He didn't speak a word of English, and the men at the employment office couldn't figure out where he was from. They took a vote to see if he was Chinese or Japanese.
It was a Thai.
A man took a woman out for dinner...
but she didn't speak a word of English. They were having a great time, though, feeding each other, flirting, touching and giggling. After the meal is over, the woman draws a picture of a bed on a napkin and gives a sly wink. The man still can't figure out how she knew he was in the furniture business.
The comments in another thread were slamming Readers Digest jokes, and that's where this one came from.
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What do you call a gay who actually fought in Vietnam and doesn't speak english?
Russian
I cant English good?
I prefer to speaking to writing on paper so that my grammar isn't as tearable.
My dog can speak English.
My dog can speak English.
When I ask him how his day was, he says "rough!"
When I ask him what sandpaper feels like he says "rough!"
When I ask him where my golf ball went he says "rough!"
And when I ask him how aggressively he likes to play he says "I prefer to minimize the chance of injury"
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A woman decides to call her friend in a foreign language while waiting in line at a grocery store.
When she finishes, a racist American man gets annoyed.
The man says, "You have to speak English in God's forsaken land of America! If you want to speak Spanish, go back to Mexico!"
The woman says, "I was speaking Navajo. If you want to speak English, go back to England."
A man asks his dog, "Can you speak English?"
The dog replies, "¡Por supuesto que puedo hombre no tonta, soy un perro!"
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The Problem with Speaking English
1. Japanese eat very little fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than us.
2. Mexicans eat a lot of fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than us.
3. Chinese drink very little red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than us.
4. Italians drink excessive amounts of red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than us.
5. Germans drink beer and eat lots of sausages and fats and suffer fewer heart attacks than us.
CONCLUSION: Eat and drink what you like. Speaking English is apparently what kills you.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
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This is the last time I’m hosting these awards.
I don’t care anymore. I’m joking: I never did. NBC clearly don’t care either. Kevin Hart was fired from the Oscars because of some offensive tweets. Lucky for me, the Hollywood Foreign Press can barely speak English, and they’ve no idea what Twitter is. I got offered this gig by fax.
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So I had s**... with this Asian girl the other day...
She didn't speak much English, but I think she liked it. She kept on screaming "Wong h**...! Wong h**...!"
A man walks into a bar and orders a beer.
Unfortunately, the beer doesn't understand English commands. But the bartender can speak easy.
Have you ever wanted to speak a foreign language fluently?
I did. So I went to Germany and spoke English.
5% of the time I make typing mistakes while messaging english speaking friends and 95% the German auto-correction will just..
Flicken es...
Swimming
So i translated this Serbian joke (but i dont speak english good) hope that u will get it
Two friends are talking and one say :
-My mom married again, and my step-father is teaching me how to swim!
-So, how is it going?
-Nice! I already learned how to get myself out of the sack!
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A man goes to Japan on business and hires a p**....
He doesn't speak any Japanese and she barely speaks any English. While they are going at it she yells out, "Gama Su! Gama Su!" Knowing that she has been satisfied he goes to bed.
The next day he plays golf and one of his associates gets a hole in one. Everyone goes crazy, so to enjoy in the excitement he yells, "Gama Su! Gama Su!"
Everybody goes silent and one of his Japanese associates says, "What do you mean wrong hole?"
So there's an American English Teacher that went to Germany…
He went to a school to teach children how to speak English.
One the first day, he taught them all words that began with the letter A.
On the second day, he taught them words that started with B.
On the the third day, which was words with C, he thought to himself,
"How are they gonna handle D-Day?"
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I asked my Mexican GF to please speak English when we're having s**......
Now she keeps screaming "Illustrated Example! Illustrated Example!!
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
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I'm a multilingual person.
I know how to speak English, b**... and Sarcasm.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
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A man was sitting in a bar...
A man was sitting in a bar when he noticed two ladies speaking in an English accent across from him. He went to them and asked:
"Are you ladies from England?"
The ladies said "It's wales you idiot"
The man goes "Sorry. Are you two whales from England?"
Nova seems to be a pretty popular Hispanic surname...
For me, since I speak English, that name would be a no-go
I want to take the opportunity to thank France for supporting American independence
If it wasn't for the French, America would be speaking English right now
3 spies from England, France and Italy were sent to the USSR.
After a week they were captured and put in jail. The Russians took the English spy, tied and tortured him and after 20 minutes he gave all the info.
Then the Russians took the French spy. They tied and tortured him, and after 20 minutes he too gave all the info.
Then they took the Italian spy and did the same to him, but he didnt give any info. They kept torturing him for 3 hours but with no luck. Eventually they gave up and put him back in the cell.
The 2 other spies asked him How did you do that? They tortured us like crazy! The Italian replied: I wanted to give all my info, but they tied my hands and so I couldn't speak.
International Boundaries
An Englishman, lecturing on his travels, was speaking disparagingly about the Scots and French in Canada, and how they intermarried with the Indians. "You'll find," he said "quite a number of Scot & French half-breeds, but you will not find any English half-breeds."
A Scot in the audience shouted, "The Indians have to draw the line somewhere!"
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In 1860, a man was given the job of teaching English to Indians (as they were called at the time).
He takes one of the Indian tribesmen out to the woods and is pointing things out and saying the word for it. "Tree. Stream. Rocks."
They go around a bend and right there in the trail there's another Indian h**... a s**...'s brains out. The English speaking man turns red and says "uhhhh... man riding bike."
The Indian pulls out his bow and fires two arrows, killing the couple. The English speaking man jumps back in horror and screams, "what did you do that for?!"
The Indian looks at him calmly and says, "man riding my bike."
My parents and I came to the US from Germany when I was a little girl.
They didn't speak much English, but were experienced educators back home. One winter, they decided to open a tutoring/ study session program to help students stay productive and focus over the break. It wasn't until after a flood of angry phone calls and visitors that we realized that "Concentration Camp" was not an ideal program name.
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Do you speak english?
- Yes
- Name?
- Abdul bal-Rhasib
- s**...?
- Three to five times a week.
- No, no... I mean male or female?
- Yes, male, female, sometimes camel.
- Holy cow!
- Yes, cow, sheep, animals in general.
- But isn't it hostile?
- Horse style, d**..., any style!
- Oh dear!
- No, no! Deer runs too fast.
A cop stops a German child from driving on the highway
COP: How old are you? Do you speak english?
German: Nine.
American astronauts landed in Siberia. They walked for a long time in the taiga, met a man.
- Do you speak English? - they asked.
He answered:
- Yes, I do. But what's the point?
My foreign coworker has always wanted to learn to speak English but can't afford Rosetta Stone. So all of us got together and bought him headphones, a new computer, and a copy of the Sims 2
Friend who lives in Russia told me this joke
(English isn't my first language, sorry if the translation isn't the best)
The phone rings at 10 Downing Street.
- Hello, mister Putin would like to speak with Theresa May.
- I'm afraid she's currently sleeping.
- Very well, if she wakes up please tell her that mister Putin would like to talk to her.
- Will do.
- Thank you. *hangs up*
- Wait. What do you mean "if"?
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
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An immigrant moves to New York City from another country...
He can bearly speak broken English. He notices mice in his apartment and immediately calls the landlord to report the problem. Hello!
-Hello, what's the problem?
-You know Tom and j**...?
-Yes, Tom and j**...?
-Well, j**... problem.
On holiday in Spain I saw a sign saying English speaking doctors, I thought what a good idea/
We should have them in England.
I've got all the qualifications you need to be a taxi driver.
I can't speak English and I can't drive.
Most people done believe me when I tell them Canada's Prine Minister as well as many Canadians can't pronounce the "th" sound when speaking in english, but ...
... it's Trudeau.
Why doesn't my dog understand when I tell him why he can't go outside that moment?
He doesn't speak english
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They say english is a simple language
so I assume those who speak it... must be simple too
Universal Language
Do you agree that English is literally the universal language since more than 50% of alien species in the movies, tv series and books speak it. Haha
200Years in the future.
A team of the smartest people on earth go to a distant planet, believed to have life. When they land they're greeted by 3aliens. They speak perfect english.
"Leave outsiders. This is our home planet, only trusted individuals are allowed here!"
The space group is quite surprised by this. Most of them think about turning back and going to earth. When one man in the back of the group, Unseen by the aliens, Shows himself. Upon his sight the aliens appear to become much more peaceful with the humans.
"Oh you brought Dave with you! Why didn't you say so."
Problems of language ( sorry for bad english)
Two Hungaryan policeman stops a car. The driver cant speak hungaryan so he tries to speak in english. The two policeman cant understan it and they just looking at the guy. Then the driver speaks to them in german, french, and a bunch of other languages. The policemen let him go. Then one of them says: Shouldnt we learn any languages? The other says: Why sould we? That guy knows so many languages but they still useless.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
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The final word on nutrition and health.
The final word on nutrition and health.
1. The Japanese eat very little fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than the English.
2. The Mexicans eat a lot of fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than the English.
3. The Chinese drink very little red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than the English.
4. The Italians drink a lot of red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than the English.
5. The Germans drink a lot of beer and eat lots of sausages and fats and suffer fewer heart attacks than the English.
CONCLUSION: Eat and drink what you like. Speaking English is apparently what kills you.
How do speakers of Dutch, English, French and Danish communicate with each other?
They speak Mumble-Saxon.
The easiest way to tell the difference between a coma and an Oxford coma
Is whether or not the doctors are speaking with an English accent.
My friend told me that I should learn more languages
I reminded him that technically I speak English, Irish, Scottish, American and Australian in one.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
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It's okay if white people invade Mexico illegally, only speaking English, taking jobs, bringing gangs, r**... and drugs while demand citizenship?
That is the Politically Correct thing to do.
Super Mario is the most diverse video game character.
He's an Italian plumber, who was made by the Japanese, speaks English, looks like a Mexican, jumps like a black man, and grabs coins like a Jew!
To a Hispanic, I tried to speak a Spanish sentence. He then slapped me in the face.
My English friend asked me if what I said was offensive.
I assured my friend that it was not offensive. I told him that I said "abofetearme en la cara."
An American couple travelling through Canada get lost while exploring farm country.
They see a farmer on the side of the road, so the husband pulls up.
"I'll go see where we are," he says as he gets out.
He approaches the farmer.
"Say there, can you tell me where we are?" he says.
"Saskatoon, Saskatchewan," the farmer says.
The man gets back in the car.
"Well, where are we?" the wife asks.
"I don't know," the man says. "He doesn't speak English."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
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Non English speaking mom boasts about my profession to her friends "My son is a Racist!!!"
MOM! ITS RACER!
The tyrant Stalin never said the word "thank you" his whole life
Mostly because he didn't speak English.
Edward Jack gets a job...
Edward Jack gets a job at an average-paying office. He's popular among his co-workers, and his boss who speaks rough english. He fired a guy buy saying, You no job good! Since the boss can't pronounce Edward well, he calls him E. Jack.
One day Edward woke up late, got stuck in traffic, and was late to work. He got yelled at by his boss who said, E. JACK! YOU LATE!