Following is our collection of funny Soviet Union jokes. There are some soviet union soviets jokes no one knows (to tell your friends) and to make you laugh out loud.
Take your time to read those puns and riddles where you ask a question with answers, or where the setup is the punchline. We hope you will find these soviet union confederate army puns funny enough to tell and make people laugh.
People would wait days in line for a single piece
People would stand in line for days just to get a piece of it.
when he gets to the front he is told there is none left.
Annoyed, the man goes on a tirade, complaining about the poor conditions and the incompetence of the government.
A soldier, hearing this, says to him, "you better be careful. In the old days it would have been...", the soldier points his gun at the man's head, "...bang!"
The man apologises and shuffles off. When he gets back home his wife asks him, "husband, your hands are empty! Have they run out of bread again?"
To which the man replies, "it's even worse than that. They've run out of bullets!"
As a result, he is summoned to the KGB headquarters.
I see that you applied to move to Israel? asks the KGB officer. The Jewish man nods.
Here in the USSR, don't you have food to eat?
Yeah, I can't complain.
And here in the USSR, don't you have place to live?
Yeah, yeah, I can't complain.
And here in the USSR, don't you have job to work at?
Yeah, I can't complain.
So, Jew, why did you apply to move to Israel?
Because There I can complain!
Because they were afraid of Stalin.
Moscow, 1985, 3rd grade class
Teacher: Life in Soviet Union is great, all families have a nice apartment, a car, all children have nice toys!
Little Kid starts crying
Teacher: Vladimir, why are you crying??
Little Kid: I wanna go to Soviet Union!!
And for me, that's a major red flag.
Quick context - Soviet Union just collapsed and Moscow streets are full of desperate people trying to some money to survive. A dialogue between street meat vendor (V), and a potential customer (C):
***
C: Was this meat barking or meowing?
V: It was asking stupid questions.
As he gets closer to the counter, he sees that most people are now walking away empty handed.
When his turn comes, he asks "Hi comrade, I assume you are out of fish?"
"No comrade, you are in the wrong place. We are out of meat. The store across the street is the one that is out of fish".
Whoops, wrong sub.
They kept Stalin.
You can explore soviet union ussr reddit one liners, including funnies and gags. Read them and you will understand what jokes are funny? Those of you who have teens can tell them clean soviet union confederate dad jokes. There are also soviet union puns for kids, 5 year olds, boys and girls.
On cars. You had to collect the money and register 10 years in advance. A guy goes to register, makes the payment and the sales person asks him to get back after 10 years for the car. The guy asks "morning or afternoon?"
The sales person asks how does it matter -you're already waiting 10 years. The guy replies "because the plumber is visiting in the morning".
Old Soviet insider joke. Pardon any English mistakes.
A CIA agent is sent on a spy mission to Moscow, Soviet Union. He goes to a grocery store and writes down in his diary "There is no food".
He then goes to a clothes shop and puts down in the diary "there are no shoes".
He goes out of the shop and a KGB agent waits for him outside. "You know, 10 years ago we would have shot you for that."
The CIA agent writes in his diary "There are no bullets".
They keep Lenin to the left, and Stalin.
I got full marx.
Buying a car in the Soviet Union is not quite so easy as buying a car in the United States. There's a terrible automobile shortage so you have to pay the money up front and then wait, sometimes many years, until a car is made available to you.
On one occasion, at the height of the shortage, a man went down to his local dealership to buy a car. After he had accepted the man's money and the paperwork had been signed, the dealer informed the man that his car would be ready in 10 years and that he could come back then and pick it up.
Taking note of the date, the man turned to leave but paused on his way out the door and asked, "morning or afternoon?"
"It's 10 years from now, what difference does it make?" replied the dealer.
"Well, I'm busy in the morning." said the man.
Confused, the dealer asked, "what could you possibly have planned for the morning ten years from today?"
"The plumber's coming to fix my sink," replied the man.
Brezhnev: "Comrade, how many Jews do we have in the Soviet Union?"
Andropov: "Approximately five million, Comrade."
Brezhnev: "And how many Jews do you think would leave if we allowed them to?"
Andropov: "Approximately 20 million, Comrade."
In a kindergarten classroom in Moscow in 1980:
Teacher: The Soviet Union is the heaven where you always have food to fill your stomach and your parents have a job and everyone is happy.
Student named Mikhail: Teacher I want to go to the Soviet Union.
A party official asks a farmer how things are going, and the farmer replies that the harvest is so bountiful that the potatoes would reach the ''foot of God'' if piled on top of one another.
''But this is the Soviet Union,'' says the commissar, ''there is no God here.'' The farmer replies, ''That's all right, there are no potatoes, either.''
A KGB agent walks up to the front and asks, One vodka, please.
The woman at the register looks and says, Comrade, this is a McDonalds. We don't serve vodka.
The KGB agent looks surprised and says, Excuse me, comrade. One *McVodka*, please.
Unfortunately Stalin was their biggest problem.
A Soviet Union
[[ Here's a joke from Soviet Russia. "Hero of the Soviet Union" was the highest distinction awarded. ]]
A fisherman catches a wish-granting goldfish. The goldfish tells him to wish for anything.
"I want to be a Hero of the Soviet Union", he says.
A moment later, the fisherman finds himself in Kursk. There are 5 Panzers approaching, and he has three grenades.
You can stand in front of the White House and yell, "Down with Reagan!", and you will not be punished.
Equally, you can also stand in Red Square in Moscow and yell, "Down with Reagan!", and you will not be punished.
**Stalin** says the child.
Who's your mother?
**Mother Russia**
What do you want to be when you grow up?
**An orphan!**
It would be too easy to find Waldo, everyone would be waiting in a lineup.
[Apparently this was a real joke told by anti-communist citizens when Stalin was dictator of the Soviet Union]
Have you tried Stalin bacon before?
*I'm not sure.. I don't think so...*
Well, I know for certain that you haven't - the pig's not dead yet.
But you would die laughing if you heard it
Nowadays it costs one hundred dollars just to go camping for a night. In the Soviet Union you could go to camp forever, and it was free.
... An elderly woman is surveyed by the government to conclude what the state of mind of the populous is.
**Survey man**: Where were you born?
**Woman**: St. Petersburg
**Survey man**: Where do you live now?
**Woman**: Leningrad
**Survey man**: If you could live anywhere in the world, where would you live?
**Woman**: St. Petersburg
Then we could have a Soviet Re-Union
To have a Soviet Reunion
They were using Stalin-tactics
a dissident published a pamphlet in which he openly said Stalin was a fool. Sure enough, the man was arrested days later for this crime. So, the dissident went to court and said "I'm innocent and want to defend myself! What I said was truthful - I did not commit libel!" The judge said to him "you don't understand - you're not being charged for libel, you're being charged with revealing a state secret."
-heard on an Intelligence Squared debate.
Because they had a Supreme Ruler.
Just think that there are jokes based on truth that can bring down governments, or jokes which make girl laugh. Many of the soviet union german jokes and puns are jokes supposed to be funny, but some can be offensive. When jokes go too far, are mean or racist, we try to silence them and it will be great if you give us feedback every time when a joke become bullying and inappropriate.
We suggest to use only working soviet union yugoslavian piadas for adults and blagues for friends. Some of the dirty witze and dark jokes are funny, but use them with caution in real life. Try to remember funny jokes you've never heard to tell your friends and will make you laugh.