The Best 35 Soviet Russia Jokes

Following is our collection of funny Soviet Russia jokes. There are some soviet russia soviets jokes no one knows (to tell your friends) and to make you laugh out loud.

Take your time to read those puns and riddles where you ask a question with answers, or where the setup is the punchline. We hope you will find these soviet russia russia puns funny enough to tell and make people laugh.

Top 10 of the Funniest Soviet Russia Jokes and Puns

In Soviet Russia, you rob banks...

in Capitalist America, banks rob you!

In Russia, we have only two TV channels; Channel one is Soviet propaganda...

Channel two is KGB agent telling you to go back to channel one.

A man is out buying bread in Soviet Russia

When he sees that the bakery is out of flour, he shouts:

"Damn this country, we are so poor, I haven't been able to get a loaf of bread in days"

A policeman hears that and approaches the man.

"Stop saying things like that or..." the policeman says as he uses his fingers to form a gun, points it toward the man and says "Bang!"

The man is stunned and walks home.

The wife sees that the man is shocked and asks:

"What happened? Did we run out of flour again?"

The man weakly replies:

"Not only that, it appears that we also ran out of bullets!"

Two policemen are walking down the street in Soviet Russia...

...when they spot a guy standing next to the local Party Headquarters holding a paintbrush. On the wall, he's just written "The government is run by idiots!". The first policeman pulls out a pair of handcuffs and asks the second, "Shall we arrest him for vandalizing public property, or for divulging state secrets?".

In Soviet Russia...

A man asks a Russian: What nationality were Adam and Eve?
The Russian replies: Soviet of course!
The man asks: How do you know?
To which the Russian replies: Well they were both naked, had only an apple to eat, and thought they were in paradise.


In Soviet Russia a Man Goes to Buy a Car...

He goes up to the owner and asks for a car, to which the owner responds:

'You know there is a 10 year waiting list?'

The man then answers, 'OK,' and after some time he then agreed to buy a car.

So he pays for the car in advance, and just before he leaves he asks the owner,

'Can I pick the car up in the morning or afternoon?'

'It's 10 years away, what does it matter?'

'The plumber is coming in the morning'.

Who was the unluckiest person in Soviet Russia?

Yuri Gagarin. He circled the earth 3 times but still ended up in Russia.

I proposed my Russian girlfriend and she said Yes!

For the wedding, my whole family and friends flew over to her home town of Moscow.

It was a beautiful ceremony, however I did find some things strange. For instance, the priest never said, "You may now kiss the bride", but I just assumed it was purely an American thing and didn't mind.

Later during the reception, we were both starving and decided to head over to the buffet to get food. On the way we passed the drink table, where about six people were waiting to get a fruity drink from a bowl.

As we passed, they all said in unison, "You may now kiss the bride!" My wife got giddy and gave me a big kiss, which I of course returned.

As we walked away I asked, "Why did *they* tell us to kiss and not the priest?"

My wife answered,

"In Soviet Russia, the punchline tells you!"

Old Soviet joke - Children in the USSR

Back in Soviet Russia, little Misha is being read to by his babysitter. She reads: 'In the USSR, kindegardens are filled with wonderful toys.'
Misha listens with bright eyes.
'In the USSR, every child has a brand new bicycle.'
Little Misha opens his eyes even wider.
'In the USSR, every child drinks hot cocoa for breakfast.'
Little Misha starts crying his eyes out, bawling:
'I want to go to the USSR!'

A man lines up for food in Soviet Russia...

After two hours of waiting he gets his turn and offers his bowl.

Out of soup. says the officer in charge and waves him aside.

The man refuses to leave. He tosses the bowl on the table and curses the regime for failing his starving family.

The officer motions to the guards and they wrestle the ranting man away. As they shove him outside, one says to the man:

Back then we could've shot you in the snow, comrade.

The man goes back home to his wife. She sees him looking glum as he walks in and asks:

Ran out of soup again?

Even worse, he replied. They ran out of bullets.

In 1941, a German boy named Hans was listening to the radio.

Over the radio, Hitler announced that Germany was now going to war with the United States.

"Father, where's the United States?" asked Hans. His father pointed on a map to the continental nation in North America.

"And I'm told we're already at war with Russia," the curious lad continued. "Where is Russia?" His father pointed to where Soviet Russia lay in all its time zone-hogging glory.

"And we're also at war with the British Empire," added Hans. "Where is that?" His father pointed out all the territories of the empire upon which the sun never set.

"And where is Germany?" asked Hans. His father pointed to their country in central Europe.

Hans thought for a moment and then said, "Father, has Hitler seen this map?"

You can explore soviet russia ussr reddit one liners, including funnies and gags. Read them and you will understand what jokes are funny? Those of you who have teens can tell them clean soviet russia russians dad jokes. There are also soviet russia puns for kids, 5 year olds, boys and girls.


In Soviet Russia, pessimist says "things couldn't possibly possibly get any worse"...

Russian optimist says "Yes they can!!!"

Regular Russia, not the Soviet one

Ivan and Igor are standing at a bus stop in Russia. It is freezing cold and raining hard. A limo drives by and splashes icy water all over them. Ivan says to Igor, This is a terrible place to live, I want to go to America. Igor responses, Why do think America would be any better. Ivan stares at Igor in disbelief, Do you know what would happen in America? If a limo drove by and splashed you, the rich man would pull over, apologize, help you into the car, take you to his home, make you nice drink, feed you dinner, let you sleep in his warm bed, and then, the next morning, he would drop you off where ever you wanted to go. Igor says, Really? This happened to you?! Ivan, No, my wife.

One of my favorite Reagan jokes:

A Soviet Diplomat goes to one of the farms in Russia, and approaches the farmer.

How are the carrots doing? Said the Diplomat.

Oh, the carrots are as big and orange as ever! Replies the farmer.

I see, and how are the beets?

Oh, sir, if Gorbachev saw these beets, he would cry with joy!

And what about the potatoes?

Sir, if we stacked the potatoes, they would be high enough to reach God!

The diplomat stares for a minute. But comrade, we don't believe in god.

Oh, good. Says the farmer. Because there are no potatoes.

In Soviet Russia, the government own businesses. In Capitalist America, businesses own the government.

*Insert edgy quotes

An old Jew is standing on a street corner in Soviet Russia.

He is holding up a poster that says "Thank you, Comrade Stalin for my happy childhood."

A policeman walking the beat sees the poster and says, "Are you trying to mock our Great Motherland? Everybody can see that when you were a child, Comrade Stalin hasn't even been born."

The old Jew replies, "That is precisely why I'm grateful to him."

I went to Soviet Russia once

I knew I made a mistake, Because I saw all the Red flags

Hero of the Soviet Union

[[ Here's a joke from Soviet Russia. "Hero of the Soviet Union" was the highest distinction awarded. ]]

A fisherman catches a wish-granting goldfish. The goldfish tells him to wish for anything.

"I want to be a Hero of the Soviet Union", he says.

A moment later, the fisherman finds himself in Kursk. There are 5 Panzers approaching, and he has three grenades.

If Russia wants to be the first country to produce a vaccine ...

....Then Soviet


A teacher in the Soviet union yells at her student - who's your father?

**Stalin** says the child.

Who's your mother?

**Mother Russia**

What do you want to be when you grow up?

**An orphan!**

Boris and Ivan are walking down the street in Leningrad

Boris: It is beautiful day in Soviet Russia! I am happy to live in glorious motherland!

Ivan: Nyet. *We* are happy to live in glorious motherland.

Boris: Blyat. My bad.

Ivan: Our bad.

Back in the 80s I asked my friend from soviet Russia how he felt living there.

He said he couldn't complain.

Old USSR joke about free speech

In America you have freedom of speech. You can stand in front of the White House and say: "Reagan Sucks."

In Soviet Russia, you also have freedom of speech. You can stand in front of the Kremlin and say: "Reagan Sucks."

I heard this joke from a foreign tour woman of a museum of Communism in Russia...

[Apparently this was a real joke told by anti-communist citizens when Stalin was dictator of the Soviet Union]

Have you tried Stalin bacon before?

*I'm not sure.. I don't think so...*

Well, I know for certain that you haven't - the pig's not dead yet.

My Siberian cousin was kidnapped while taking a selfie.

In Soviet Russia, pictures take you.

In Soviet Russia, the government regulates the pharmaceutical industry.

In America, the pharmaceutical industry regulates the government.

In Soviet Russia we also have a Snoop Dogg.

But he just regular dog who work for KGB.

While in Soviet Russia, I went to visit a doctor.

"What happened to you?" He said.

"Migraine" i replied.

He bent forward, push upped his glasses and said, "Correction. Ourgrain."

A man walks into a shop in Soviet Russia.

He asks the clerk, You don't have any meat?

The clerk says, No, here we don't have any fish. The shop that doesn't have any meat is across the street.

What happens when Russia, Belarus, Kazakhstan, Armenia, Ukraine and Latvia get back together?

A Soviet reunion

Soviet Russia

A depressed man is walking on the street muttering: "Out of milk, out of eggs, out of meat..."

A member of the police force approaches him: "Shut up or I'll wack you across the head with my gun."

"...Out of ammo"

In America, you listen to country

In Soviet Russia, country listens to you!

Kylie Jenner didn't need to go to soviet Russia to learn that in Soviet Russia

Egg beats you

If Russia became the Soviet Union again

It would be the Soviet Reunion

Why didn't the Soviets publish any Where's Waldo books?

Because in Soviet Russia Waldo find you.

Just think that there are jokes based on truth that can bring down governments, or jokes which make girl laugh. Many of the soviet russia ukrainians jokes and puns are jokes supposed to be funny, but some can be offensive. When jokes go too far, are mean or racist, we try to silence them and it will be great if you give us feedback every time when a joke become bullying and inappropriate.

We suggest to use only working soviet russia ukraine piadas for adults and blagues for friends. Some of the dirty witze and dark jokes are funny, but use them with caution in real life. Try to remember funny jokes you've never heard to tell your friends and will make you laugh.

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