Soviet Russia Jokes
103 soviet russia jokes and hilarious soviet russia puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about soviet russia that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.
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Funniest Soviet Russia Short Jokes
Short soviet russia jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The soviet russia humour may include short soviet union jokes also.
- My wife says if I don't stop making puns about Russia, she's going to hit me. If that's the way it's going to be, then Soviet.
- Who was the unluckiest person in Soviet Russia? Yuri Gagarin. He circled the earth 3 times but still ended up in Russia.
- In Soviet Russia, pessimist says "things couldn't possibly possibly get any worse"... Russian optimist says "Yes they can!!!"
- In Soviet Russia, the government own businesses. In Capitalist America, businesses own the government. *Insert edgy quotes
- Back in the 80s I asked my friend from soviet Russia how he felt living there. He said he couldn't complain.
- My Siberian cousin was kidnapped while taking a selfie. In Soviet Russia, pictures take you.
- In Soviet Russia, the government regulates the pharmaceutical industry. In America, the pharmaceutical industry regulates the government.
- While in Soviet Russia, I went to visit a doctor. "What happened to you?" He said.
"Migraine" i replied.
He bent forward, push upped his glasses and said, "Correction. Ourgrain." - What happens when Russia, Belarus, Kazakhstan, Armenia, Ukraine and Latvia get back together? A Soviet reunion
- A man walks into a shop in Soviet Russia. He asks the clerk, You don't have any meat?
The clerk says, No, here we don't have any fish. The shop that doesn't have any meat is across the street.
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Soviet Russia One Liners
Which soviet russia one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with soviet russia? I can suggest the ones about soviet and in soviet russia.
- In Soviet Russia, you rob banks... in Capitalist America, banks rob you!
- I went to Soviet Russia once I knew I made a mistake, Because I saw all the Red flags
- If Russia wants to be the first country to produce a vaccine ... ....Then Soviet
- In America, you listen to country In Soviet Russia, country listens to you!
- In soviet russia, there are no mines. There are just ours.
- In Soviet Russia... Sanctions benefit you.
- What is permanent in Soviet Russia? Temporary circumstances.
- Roses are red, violets are blue, in Soviet Russia, Year celebrates you.
- How is Instagram like Soviet Russia? On Instagram egg beats you
- The US wanted to bomb Russia Putin was like so-vi-et
- In America, Chuck Norris finds you But in Soviet Russia, you find Chuck Norris.
- In Soviet Russia we also have a Snoop Dogg. But he just regular dog who work for KGB.
In Soviet Russia Jokes
Here is a list of funny in soviet russia jokes and even better in soviet russia puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- Kylie Jenner didn't need to go to soviet Russia to learn that in Soviet Russia Egg beats you
- With Vladimir Putin so eager to restore ties, I think the U.S and Russia should form one country. We can call it The United States of Soviet Russia! USSR for short.
- What's the difference between The Soviet Union and Russia? The Soviet union had Pepsi and Coke.
- I went to a Soviet era Russia restaurant once. I waited 20 minutes for the food and then the server came and told me, "sorry we don't serve food here."
- Oldie - -Communist China telegrams Soviet Russia Communist China:
WE ARE OUT OF FOOD. SEND GRAIN
Soviet reply:
WE ARE ALSO OUT OF FOOD. TIGHTEN YOUR BELTS
Communist China:
SEND BELTS - Soviet Russia used to have a leader who was also a singer in a rock band. He's none other than John Lenin.
- Did you hear about the USSR comedian who defined his self work through the success of his work? Because in Soviet Russia you don't make jokes, jokes make you.
- Soviet joke In capitalism, man exploits man. In glorious Russia workers state, is other way around.
- A man asks his friend, "Do you know any diets which actually work?" To which he replied, "Yes, go to Soviet Russia".
- Why is it called Red Square called Red Square when it is shaped like a rectangle? Because in Soviet Russia, all sides are equal.
The Funniest Soviet Russia Jokes for a Bone-Shaking Laugh
What funny jokes about soviet russia you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean communist russia jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make soviet russia pranks.
I proposed my Russian girlfriend and she said Yes!
For the wedding, my whole family and friends flew over to her home town of Moscow.
It was a beautiful ceremony, however I did find some things strange. For instance, the priest never said, "You may now kiss the bride", but I just assumed it was purely an American thing and didn't mind.
Later during the reception, we were both starving and decided to head over to the buffet to get food. On the way we passed the drink table, where about six people were waiting to get a fruity drink from a bowl.
As we passed, they all said in unison, "You may now kiss the bride!" My wife got giddy and gave me a big kiss, which I of course returned.
As we walked away I asked, "Why did *they* tell us to kiss and not the priest?"
My wife answered,
"In Soviet Russia, the punchline tells you!"
A man walks into a bar in Soviet Russia...
...and orders a beer. He puts down the usual ruble. The waitress comes over and says, "It's now two rubles-one for the beer and one for *perestroika*."
On the next occasion the man puts down two rubles, and the waitress returns one of them. "No more charge for *perestroika*?" the man asks. "Oh yes," the waitress replies, "there's still the charge for *perestroika*. There's no more beer."
Regular Russia, not the Soviet one
Ivan and Igor are standing at a bus stop in Russia. It is freezing cold and raining hard. A limo drives by and splashes icy water all over them. Ivan says to Igor, This is a terrible place to live, I want to go to America. Igor responses, Why do think America would be any better. Ivan stares at Igor in disbelief, Do you know what would happen in America? If a limo drove by and splashed you, the rich man would pull over, apologize, help you into the car, take you to his home, make you nice drink, feed you dinner, let you sleep in his warm bed, and then, the next morning, he would drop you off where ever you wanted to go. Igor says, Really? This happened to you?! Ivan, No, my wife.
Two policemen are walking down the street in Soviet Russia...
...when they spot a guy standing next to the local Party Headquarters holding a paintbrush. On the wall, he's just written "The government is run by idiots!". The first policeman pulls out a pair of handcuffs and asks the second, "Shall we arrest him for vandalizing public property, or for divulging state secrets?".
Back in Soviet Russia...
...there was a man working at a Siberian coal mine. Every Friday he would take a wheelbarrow full of dirt home. Every time he did this the security guard would stop him, make him dump out the dirt and sift through it searching for coal or other stolen valuables. The security guard always found nothing so he would reluctantly let the man reload the dirt and go home.
This goes on for 25 years until the man finally retired. On his last day the the bewildered security guard pleaded with him "I know you've been smuggling something out of here all of these years. Please just tell me what it was?" The man replied with a sly wink "Wheelbarrows".
It was a heavy winter during Stalin...
It was a heavy winter during Stalin's reign over the Soviet Russia. A married woman went to the city prison to visit her arrested husband and found out that he had been convicted and transferred to a Siberian Gulag and died during the trip.
"How did he die?" she asked.
"Pneumonia" came the answer.
"How? When? Where?"
"It was during the transit. He attempted to escape, jumped out the train and ran away. We weren't able to catch him alive."
"So, how did he die and how do you know he had pneumonia?"
"Well... He was running and got heated, outside was freezing, the bullet was cold..."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
USSR jokes about America
My dad told me this one was a classic when he lived in the former Soviet Union:
So as you know, Russia and America would send spies against each other frequently. All American spies were mandated to learn Russian and all Russians English.
Well so, the American spy gets dropped off in the middle of Siberia. Freezing, he goes to the nearest house and knocks.
When the owner gets to the door, the spy says, "May I please have some shelter and food?"
The owner of the house replies, "..........YOU MUST BE SPY!"
The spy immediately is baffled and attempts to cover up, "What are you talking about?!"
"No black man speaks Russian!"
I heard this joke from a foreign tour woman of a museum of Communism in Russia...
[Apparently this was a real joke told by anti-communist citizens when Stalin was dictator of the Soviet Union]
Have you tried Stalin bacon before?
*I'm not sure.. I don't think so...*
Well, I know for certain that you haven't - the pig's not dead yet.
Old Soviet joke - Children in the USSR
Back in Soviet Russia, little Misha is being read to by his babysitter. She reads: 'In the USSR, kindegardens are filled with wonderful toys.'
Misha listens with bright eyes.
'In the USSR, every child has a brand new bicycle.'
Little Misha opens his eyes even wider.
'In the USSR, every child drinks hot cocoa for breakfast.'
Little Misha starts crying his eyes out, bawling:
'I want to go to the USSR!'
A 'Cold War' joke I tought up today...
It's early September, 1984. Children around the world are going back to school. Despite living on opposing sides of the Iron Curtain, two Mathematics teachers, one in the United States and the other in the Soviet Union, ask their respective classes the same question.
"OK class." Said the American teacher, "If I had three oranges, and I divided them fairly between four children, how many oranges would each child receive?"
Most of the children in his class answered with pretty much the same thing. "It's easy." Replied the class, "One child gets two oranges, the second gets a half, the third gets an eighth, the fourth gets nothing, and we keep the rest to throw at our enemies."
On the other side of the world, in Russia, the Soviet teacher asks the same to her own class.
"Students." She asked, "If I had three oranges, and had to distribute them fairly to four children, how many oranges will each child have?"
The Russian class asked their teacher "What are oranges?"
In Soviet Russia
Two men were talking one day and one mentioned he was visiting Russia.
The friend tells him that it's politically rough over there and that they check letters leaving the country for dissenters. So, he instructs the man to use a code- write in black ink if everything is fine and red ink if things are bad.
The man goes to Russia. A couple weeks later the friend gets a letter in black ink. It says all sorts of positive things about Russia- how rich it is and how nice the people are to him. "My only complaint," he writes, "is that they don't have red pens."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
In 1941, a German boy named Hans was listening to the radio.
Over the radio, h**... announced that Germany was now going to war with the United States.
"Father, where's the United States?" asked Hans. His father pointed on a map to the continental nation in North America.
"And I'm told we're already at war with Russia," the curious lad continued. "Where is Russia?" His father pointed to where Soviet Russia lay in all its time zone-hogging glory.
"And we're also at war with the British Empire," added Hans. "Where is that?" His father pointed out all the territories of the empire upon which the sun never set.
"And where is Germany?" asked Hans. His father pointed to their country in central Europe.
Hans thought for a moment and then said, "Father, has h**... seen this map?"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Little Shop of Horrors should have taken place in Russia.
Because in Soviet Russia plant eats you!
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
In Russia, we have only two TV channels; Channel one is Soviet p**......
Channel two is KGB agent telling you to go back to channel one.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
How do they cook a turkey in Russia?
They nuke it.
OR
In Soviet Russia, Turkey fires you!
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Slightly changed old soviet joke
American: -There is no freedom of speech in Russia. In America, you can go out on the street and yell out 'Obama is an a**...', and you won't get arrested. Russian responds: -Of course Russia has freedom of speeech, anyone can go out on the Moscow street and yell out 'Obama is an a**...'.
So, they opened a brothel in Soviet Russia
It was a massive flop. And they couldn't understand how it would have failed, as they hired only verified party members with at least 40 years of experience.
Hero of the Soviet Union
[[ Here's a joke from Soviet Russia. "Hero of the Soviet Union" was the highest distinction awarded. ]]
A fisherman catches a wish-granting goldfish. The goldfish tells him to wish for anything.
"I want to be a Hero of the Soviet Union", he says.
A moment later, the fisherman finds himself in Kursk. There are 5 Panzers approaching, and he has three grenades.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
In Soviet Russia, Comrade Wolf is going through his kill list.
Comrade Goat approaches him, *"Comrade Wolf, is my name on your list?"*
**"Yes."**
*"Give me one day to bid farewell to my family"*, Comrade Goat pleads.
***"Okay"***, says Comrade Wolf. He kills Comrade Goat after a day.
.
The next day, Comrade Ox approaches him, *"Comrade Wolf, is my name on your list?"*
***"Yes."***
*"Let me sort out my affairs. Please kill me tomorrow"*, Comrade Ox begs.
***"Okay"***, says Comrade Wolf. He kills Comrade Ox after a day.
.
On the third day, Comrade Fox approaches him, *"Comrade Wolf, is my name on your list?"*
***"Yes."***
*"Could you please remove it?"*
***"Okay."***
In Soviet Russia, a Judge bursts into his chambers laughing
*"I've just heard the funniest joke about Stalin... ever!"*
*"Well, go ahead and tell us."*, the other Judges ask.
*"I can't. I just gave someone a life sentence for it."*
It was geography class in Soviet Russia...
and little Dmitri asked, 'Why don't we ever get tested on the capitals of foreign countries?'
The teacher replied, 'Because we hate capital-lists, Dmitri.'
Friend told me about a song taking place in soviet Russia. Chicken farmer with outstanding yield had to give up his chickens due to collective farming law...
Can't keep my hens to myself
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Did you know people in Russia are s**... attracted to light?
In Soviet Russia, lights turn YOU on!
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A teacher in the Soviet union yells at her student - who's your father?
**Stalin** says the child.
Who's your mother?
**Mother Russia**
What do you want to be when you grow up?
**An orphan!**
A man lines up for food in Soviet Russia...
After two hours of waiting he gets his turn and offers his bowl.
Out of soup. says the officer in charge and waves him aside.
The man refuses to leave. He tosses the bowl on the table and curses the regime for failing his starving family.
The officer motions to the guards and they wrestle the ranting man away. As they shove him outside, one says to the man:
Back then we could've shot you in the snow, comrade.
The man goes back home to his wife. She sees him looking glum as he walks in and asks:
Ran out of soup again?
Even worse, he replied. They ran out of bullets.
New shoes in Soviet Russia
Comrades Evgeny and Aleksander are old-time friends. One day Evgeny meets Aleksander in the street and tells him excitedly that a new batch of shoes has become available to purchase as part of the current five-year plan, in Minsk! He knows Aleksander badly needs new shoes, his only pair are worn from two decades of use.
However Aleksander gets very angry -- "Zhenya, why are you telling me this? We live in Moscow, Minsk is more than 700 km away, it would take a whole day to drive there and we can't even afford the gas!"
"Ahah! Sasha, we don't have to drive there, the line starts just around the corner!"
What's the difference between a disappointed sandwich shop customer and Soviet Russia?
One couldn't get pastrami, the other couldn't get past the Saami.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Putin, at the summit: Donald, I'm thinking of annexing all the nations around Russia. What do you think?
Trump: Then Soviet.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
An Englishman, a Frenchman, and a Russian are staring at a portrait of Adam and Eve.
My, look at the composure on their faces, says the Englishman. With such calm and reserved looks, surely they must be English!
Nonsense! says the Frenchman. No English person was ever that beautiful! Surely, they must be French!
The Russian laughs. Silly capitalists, arguing over s**... nonsense like this! Answer is obvious! Adam and Eve have no food, no clothes, and no shelter, and yet they are told they are living in paradise! Clearly, they are living in Soviet Russia!
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Boris and Ivan are walking down the street in Leningrad
Boris: It is beautiful day in Soviet Russia! I am happy to live in glorious motherland!
Ivan: Nyet. *We* are happy to live in glorious motherland.
Boris: Blyat. My bad.
Ivan: Our bad.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Back in the days of the Soviet Union, a Jewish man living in Moscow applies to move to Israel.
At 3:00 AM there's b**... on his door. It's the KGB.
You! Jew! You applied to move to Israel? He nods.
Here in Russia, don't you have food to eat?
Yeah, I can't complain.
And here in Russia, don't you have place to live?
Yeah, yeah, I can't complain.
And here in Russia, don't you have job to work at?
Yeah, I can't complain.
So, Jew, why did you apply to move to Israel?
Because *There* I can complain!
Man, what's with all the Soviet Russia memes on the Internet?
It's almost like they seized the memes of production.
Two guys are trying to escape from Soviet Russia.
The first guy looks over to the other and says : race you to the Finnish line!
What do Soviet Russia and the Lottery have in common?
You don't play the game,
The game plays you.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A judge walks out of his courtroom in Soviet Russia chuckling to himself.
Another judge stops him and says, "What's so funny?"
"I just heard this funny political joke in my courtroom." the first judge says.
"Really?" says the second judge, "Tell it to me, I want to hear it."
The first judge says, "No way. I gave the poor guy 20 years hard labor for it."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Why is it so hard to be a plumber or mechanic in Soviet Russia?
Because you aren't allowed to change anything about the system.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
h**...: *tries to attack Russia* Stalin: If he's going to attack our nation...
Then Soviet
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A horse in Russia walks into a bar, with a thick Russian accent the horse asks the bartender to pour him a glass of v**....
Before I go on with the rest of the joke, you should know this joke is about Descartes' famous philosophy of "I think therefore, I am." I'm explaining that part now, because in soviet Russia you put Descartes before the horse.
The bartender says "you're in here pretty often. Think you might be an alcoholic?", to which the horse says "I don't think I am.", and vanishes from existence.
One of my favorite Reagan jokes:
A Soviet Diplomat goes to one of the farms in Russia, and approaches the farmer.
How are the carrots doing? Said the Diplomat.
Oh, the carrots are as big and orange as ever! Replies the farmer.
I see, and how are the beets?
Oh, sir, if Gorbachev saw these beets, he would cry with joy!
And what about the potatoes?
Sir, if we stacked the potatoes, they would be high enough to reach God!
The diplomat stares for a minute. But comrade, we don't believe in god.
Oh, good. Says the farmer. Because there are no potatoes.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
In Soviet Russia, gay s**... gets you arrested.
In America, getting arrested gets you gay s**....
Breaking news: Rare time traveling bloodthirsty Fire elemental wolves spotted in Russia!
In Soviet Russia, the hot dogs eat you.
My attempt to translate a joke from my native Russian language.
But in Soviet Russia, joke translate you!
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Mother Russia
In Soviet Russia, if you arrive to work late, you're shot for being lazy and leeching off the work of your peers.
If you arrive to work early, you are shot for trying to show up the work of peers and appear better than them.
If you arrive to work on time, you are shot for having a foreign watch.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A man is out buying bread in Soviet Russia
When he sees that the bakery is out of flour, he shouts:
"d**... this country, we are so poor, I haven't been able to get a loaf of bread in days"
A policeman hears that and approaches the man.
"Stop saying things like that or..." the policeman says as he uses his fingers to form a gun, points it toward the man and says "Bang!"
The man is stunned and walks home.
The wife sees that the man is shocked and asks:
"What happened? Did we run out of flour again?"
The man weakly replies:
"Not only that, it appears that we also ran out of bullets!"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
An old Jew is standing on a street corner in Soviet Russia.
He is holding up a poster that says "Thank you, Comrade Stalin for my happy childhood."
A policeman walking the beat sees the poster and says, "Are you trying to mock our Great Motherland? Everybody can see that when you were a child, Comrade Stalin hasn't even been born."
The old Jew replies, "That is precisely why I'm grateful to him."
A man parks his car in the Red Square in Soviet Russia
A policeman rushes over and yells: "Why are you parking here? Do you know where this is? This is the government's place!"
The man replies: "I know, don't worry, the lock on my car is really good"
In Soviet Russia a Man Goes to Buy a Car...
In Soviet Russia a Man Goes to Buy a Car. He goes up to the owner and asks for a car, to which the owner responds:
'You know there is a 10 year waiting list?'
The man then answers, 'OK,' and after some time he then agreed to buy a car.
So he pays for the car in advance, and just before he leaves he asks the owner,
'Can I pick the car up in the morning or afternoon?'
'It's 10 years away, what does it matter?'
'The plumber is coming in the morning'.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Stalin is trying to s**... a girl in Soviet Russia
Stalin: Tell me what you want, I will grant you any wish to be with you..
Girl: I want you to open the borders.
Stalin: Aaah, you little tease, so you want us to have some alone time..
What's interesting is that this joke can now be reused and instead of Soviet Union we can just say; current day Russia
In Russia a Man Goes to Buy a Car...
He goes up to the owner and asks for a car, to which the owner responds:
'You know there is a 10 year waiting list?'
The man then answers, 'OK,' and after some time he then agreed to buy a car.
So he pays for the car in advance, and just before he leaves he asks the owner,
'Can I pick the car up in the morning or afternoon?'
'It's 10 years away, what does it matter?'
'The plumber is coming in the morning'.
