Soviet Jokes

145 soviet jokes and hilarious soviet puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about soviet that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.

Discover the tradition of Soviet Jokes where Russians used wit and humor to make fun of life behind the Iron Curtain. Learn about Ivan and his famous 'Soviet Potato' punchline, and the irony of the infamous 'Soviet Reversal'. Explore the jokes of Gorbachev, the Kremlin, and other elements associated with life in the USSR.

Funniest Soviet Short Jokes

Short soviet jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The soviet humour may include short communist russia jokes also.

  1. My wife says if I don't stop making puns about Russia, she's going to hit me. If that's the way it's going to be, then Soviet.
  2. 50s Soviet joke Who is your mother?
    Our great Soviet country.
    Who is your father?
    Our dear comrade Stalin.
    What's your greatest desire?
    Becoming an orphan.
  3. Did you guys know that the Soviet Union made the best bread in history? People would wait days in line for a single piece
  4. A girl I was dating invited me over to her place. When I went into her room, she had a Soviet banner draped on her wall. I left immediately. It was a big red flag.
  5. My girlfriend told me she would break up with me if I kept telling jokes about the USSR Soviet
  6. Top Biblical experts have reached the conclusion that Adam and Eve were Soviet citizens They had no clothes, one apple between the two of them and they thought they were in paradise.
  7. What did the American rocket say to the soviet rocket in space. Good we're alone now we can speak German.
  8. The soviet union actually made the best bread in the world. People would stand in line for days just to get a piece of it.
  9. A Soviet newspaper announces: "Last night, the Chernobyl nuclear Power Station fulfilled the Five Year Plan for heat energy generation..."
    " four microseconds."
  10. Why was everyone in the Soviet Union so good at driving manual? Because they were afraid of Stalin.

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Soviet One Liners

Which soviet one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with soviet? I can suggest the ones about communist and in communist russia.

  1. If pronouncing my b's as v's makes me sound Russian, Then soviet.
  2. If the USSR got back together Would it be called the Soviet reunion?
  3. In Soviet Russia, you rob banks... in Capitalist America, banks rob you!
  4. If the USSR suddenly came back together... ... it should be called the Soviet Reunion.
  5. If me having a Russian accent means my B's sound like V's... Soviet
  6. Why do Soviets always write in lower-case? Because they hate Capitalism.
  7. If the USSR were to become a country again... ...would it be called the Soviet Reunion?
  8. What do you call a group of Soviet snipers? Marxmen.
  9. What did soviet russians use for lighting before they started using candles? Electricity.
  10. Why could nobody in the Soviet Union drive a car? They kept Stalin.
  11. What happens when the USSR gets back together? A Soviet Reunion.
  12. If it ever returned, what would we call the USSR? The Soviet Reunion
  13. Dating pro tip: if s/he admires the Soviet Union... then that's a red flag
  14. "If my country starts to veer towards communism"... "Then Soviet"
  15. What would the reunification of the USSR be called? The Soviet Reunion

Soviet Union Jokes

Here is a list of funny soviet union jokes and even better soviet union puns that will make you laugh with friends.

  • My girlfriend is weirdly obsessed with the Soviet Union. And for me, that's a major red flag.
  • Why can you never trust a car made in the Soviet Union? They keep Lenin to the left, and Stalin.
  • My history teacher is a communist, so I made lots of references to the Soviet Union in my essay. I got full marx.
  • The Soviet Union attempted to sell cars. Unfortunately Stalin was their biggest problem.
  • What do you call a Russian marriage? A Soviet Union
  • Why didn't the Soviet Union publish any Where's Waldo books? It would be too easy to find Waldo, everyone would be waiting in a lineup.
  • In Soviet Union we had old joke about Stalin But you would die laughing if you heard it
  • Y'know, communism is definitely the best system of government. Nowadays it costs one hundred dollars just to go camping for a night. In the Soviet Union you could go to camp forever, and it was free.
  • We should get all the ex-soviet states back together Then we could have a Soviet Re-Union
  • Why didn't the Soviet Union join WW2 until 1941? They were using Stalin-tactics

In Soviet Union Jokes

Here is a list of funny in soviet union jokes and even better in soviet union puns that will make you laugh with friends.

  • The Soviet Union should get back together... To have a Soviet Reunion
  • Why was the Soviet Union so good at Geometry? Because they had a Supreme Ruler.
  • What game were children actually encouraged to play in the Soviet Union? ISpy
  • What do you call a Russian Wedding? A soviet union.
    Dont hate me if this is a repost. Its my first post
  • If you go into someone's home And they have a former Soviet Union banner hanging on the wall,
    That's a big red flag.
  • What was the Soviet Union's favorite videogame system? The Nintendo We
  • I had this great joke about the Soviet Union... But it just fell apart in the end.
  • If Russia became the Soviet Union again It would be the Soviet Reunion
  • Comrade Stalin announced that the Soviet Union would be transitioning back to a Monarchy But he was just being Tsar-castic
  • I was dating a chick from the Soviet Union... it was nice until she tried to seize my means of reproduction.
Soviet joke, I was dating a chick from the Soviet Union...

In Soviet Russia Jokes

Here is a list of funny in soviet russia jokes and even better in soviet russia puns that will make you laugh with friends.

  • Who was the unluckiest person in Soviet Russia? Yuri Gagarin. He circled the earth 3 times but still ended up in Russia.
  • In Soviet Russia, pessimist says "things couldn't possibly possibly get any worse"... Russian optimist says "Yes they can!!!"
  • In Soviet Russia, the government own businesses. In Capitalist America, businesses own the government. *Insert edgy quotes
  • I went to Soviet Russia once I knew I made a mistake, Because I saw all the Red flags
  • If Russia wants to be the first country to produce a vaccine ... ....Then Soviet
  • Back in the 80s I asked my friend from soviet Russia how he felt living there. He said he couldn't complain.
  • My Siberian cousin was kidnapped while taking a selfie. In Soviet Russia, pictures take you.
  • In Soviet Russia, the government regulates the pharmaceutical industry. In America, the pharmaceutical industry regulates the government.
  • In Soviet Russia we also have a Snoop Dogg. But he just regular dog who work for KGB.
  • While in Soviet Russia, I went to visit a doctor. "What happened to you?" He said.
    "Migraine" i replied.
    He bent forward, push upped his glasses and said, "Correction. Ourgrain."

Soviet Russia Jokes

Here is a list of funny soviet russia jokes and even better soviet russia puns that will make you laugh with friends.

  • What happens when Russia, Belarus, Kazakhstan, Armenia, Ukraine and Latvia get back together? A Soviet reunion
  • A man walks into a shop in Soviet Russia. He asks the clerk, You don't have any meat?
    The clerk says, No, here we don't have any fish. The shop that doesn't have any meat is across the street.
  • In America, you listen to country In Soviet Russia, country listens to you!
  • Kylie Jenner didn't need to go to soviet Russia to learn that in Soviet Russia Egg beats you
  • Why didn't the Soviets publish any Where's Waldo books? Because in Soviet Russia Waldo find you.
  • What is a wedding in russia called? A soviet union.
  • In soviet russia, there are no mines. There are just ours.
  • With Vladimir Putin so eager to restore ties, I think the U.S and Russia should form one country. We can call it The United States of Soviet Russia! USSR for short.
  • What's the difference between The Soviet Union and Russia? The Soviet union had Pepsi and Coke.
  • In Soviet Russia... Sanctions benefit you.

Soviet Potato Jokes

Here is a list of funny soviet potato jokes and even better soviet potato puns that will make you laugh with friends.

  • What is five hundred meters long and eats only potatoes? Soviet bread line.
  • What's 500m long and eats only potatoes? People in Soviet Union waiting in line for meat.
  • Potato is like Soviet r**... Potato is like Soviet r**.... Not come everyday, but fill you up when is come.
Soviet joke, Potato is like Soviet r**...

Laughter Soviet Jokes for Everyone for Fun and Frivolity

What funny jokes about soviet you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean russian military jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make soviet pranks.

3 men are in a Soviet Prison

They ask each other why they are in prison.
The first says 'I was always 5 minutes late for work, so I was accused of sabotage'
The second says 'I was always 5 minutes early for work, so I was accused of espionage'
But the third says 'I was always on time for work, so I was accused of having a Western watch'

A Frenchman, an Englishman and a Soviet Russian

are admiring a painting of Adam and Eve in the garden of Eden. The Frenchman says, "They must be French, they're n**... and they're eating fruit."
The Englishman replies with, "Clearly they're English. Observe how politely the man is offering the woman the fruit."
The Russian then notes, "They are Russian of course. They have nothing to wear, nothing to eat, and they think they are in paradise."

Regular Russia, not the Soviet one

Ivan and Igor are standing at a bus stop in Russia. It is freezing cold and raining hard. A limo drives by and splashes icy water all over them. Ivan says to Igor, This is a terrible place to live, I want to go to America. Igor responses, Why do think America would be any better. Ivan stares at Igor in disbelief, Do you know what would happen in America? If a limo drove by and splashed you, the rich man would pull over, apologize, help you into the car, take you to his home, make you nice drink, feed you dinner, let you sleep in his warm bed, and then, the next morning, he would drop you off where ever you wanted to go. Igor says, Really? This happened to you?! Ivan, No, my wife.

Two policemen are walking down the street in Soviet Russia...

...when they spot a guy standing next to the local Party Headquarters holding a paintbrush. On the wall, he's just written "The government is run by idiots!". The first policeman pulls out a pair of handcuffs and asks the second, "Shall we arrest him for vandalizing public property, or for divulging state secrets?".

The Polish farmer

During WW2, a team of German and Soviet surveyors went through Poland to split the country.
One day they found a farm placed directly over the planned border. The surveyors agreed that the border couldn't be drawn through the house, and decided to ask the farmer.
- Do you want to belong to Soviet or Germany?, they asked him.
After some thinking, the farmer answered
- I'd like to belong to Germany.
- Why is that?
- Oh - I've heard the Russian winters are very cold

Old Soviet joke - Children in the USSR

Back in Soviet Russia, little Misha is being read to by his babysitter. She reads: 'In the USSR, kindegardens are filled with wonderful toys.'
Misha listens with bright eyes.
'In the USSR, every child has a brand new bicycle.'
Little Misha opens his eyes even wider.
'In the USSR, every child drinks hot cocoa for breakfast.'
Little Misha starts crying his eyes out, bawling:
'I want to go to the USSR!'

Saw some great soviet jokes on here. Here's one from President Reagan...

Buying a car in the Soviet Union is not quite so easy as buying a car in the United States. There's a terrible automobile shortage so you have to pay the money up front and then wait, sometimes many years, until a car is made available to you.
On one occasion, at the height of the shortage, a man went down to his local dealership to buy a car. After he had accepted the man's money and the paperwork had been signed, the dealer informed the man that his car would be ready in 10 years and that he could come back then and pick it up.
Taking note of the date, the man turned to leave but paused on his way out the door and asked, "morning or afternoon?"
"It's 10 years from now, what difference does it make?" replied the dealer.
"Well, I'm busy in the morning." said the man.
Confused, the dealer asked, "what could you possibly have planned for the morning ten years from today?"
"The plumber's coming to fix my sink," replied the man.

The Soviet chairman asks a high ranking party member about potato supplies

Chairman: How does our potato supply look?
Party member: We have so many potatoes that, if they were piled one on top of another, they could reach God.
Chairman: But God does not exist.
Party member: Neither do the potatoes.

Husband and wife are arguing...

The husband thinks it's raining
His wife says, "No honey, that's snow"
So they ask Rudolph, their soviet friend what he thinks.
He says, "That is rain, comrade."
The husband says, "See! Rudolph the Red knows rain, dear."

Old Soviet joke

People are waiting in a long line like to buy v**.... Finally one alcoholic snaps and screams - 'I can't take it, I'll go kill Gorbachev!' And leaves the store. 10 minutes later he come back and says. 'The line to kill Gorbachev is even longer.'

quick historical Russian joke from early 90's

Quick context - Soviet Union just collapsed and Moscow streets are full of desperate people trying to some money to survive. A dialogue between street meat vendor (V), and a potential customer (C):
C: Was this meat barking or meowing?
V: It was asking s**... questions.

In Russia, we have only two TV channels; Channel one is Soviet p**......

Channel two is KGB agent telling you to go back to channel one.

Old Soviet Joke

Little Boy: What will Communism be like when perfected?
His Father: Everyone will have what he needs.
Little Boy: But what if there is a shortage of meat?
His Father: There will be a sign in the butcher shop saying, "No one needs meat today."

Ancient Soviet joke

Guy turns on the TV and there's Brezhnev making a speech. He changes the channel, there's Brezhnev again, and tries again and on the next channel is a KGB officer saying - 'You'd better stop changing channels'.

A Soviet and an American are talking

The American says, "I am able to March into DC, march into the oval office, and say. Mr Reagan, I don't like how you're running this country." The Russian scoffs and says, "I can do the same, I can march into Moscow, go to the Kremlin, go to the general secretary's office and say. Mr Gorbachev, I don't like how Reagan is running his country."

Why did the soviet plane c**...?

It was stalin

In Soviet Russia a Man Goes to Buy a Car...

He goes up to the owner and asks for a car, to which the owner responds:
'You know there is a 10 year waiting list?'
The man then answers, 'OK,' and after some time he then agreed to buy a car.
So he pays for the car in advance, and just before he leaves he asks the owner,
'Can I pick the car up in the morning or afternoon?'
'It's 10 years away, what does it matter?'
'The plumber is coming in the morning'.

TIL that back in the 1940s, as a result of failed communications between engineers and builders, the Soviet Union built thousands of submarines based on recalled 1850s schematics, resulting in millions of dollars in military funding being wasted.

Whoops, wrong sub.

Soviet Breadline

At one of USSR's breadlines during the Perestroika, a man in the crowd is mumbling to himself. "No bread, no milk, no meat, what a shame".
Two policemen walking the beat hearing his mumbling walk up to him, and say:
"Comrade, if you said that 40 years ago you'd be shot, so just shut up and stand in line like everybody else"
As the policemen leave, the man turns back to the crowd and says:
"Not only we don't have bread or milk, but I was just told we ran out of bullets too."

Lenin in Warsaw

A Soviet filmmaker makes a film called Lenin in Warsaw. Everybody shows up for the premiere. The film opens—on Lenin's wife, Krupskaya, n**..., having mad s**... with another man. And then another. And another. And so on. The film continues in the same vein for ninety minutes.
Finally, the lights come up and the director takes questions from the audience.
First question: Very interesting movie, comrade, but—where was Lenin?
The director answers: In Warsaw.

Soviet Joke

Moscow, 1985, 3rd grade class
Teacher: Life in Soviet Union is great, all families have a nice apartment, a car, all children have nice toys!
Little Kid starts crying
Teacher: Vladimir, why are you crying??
Little Kid: I wanna go to Soviet Union!!

An old Soviet joke..

An artist is commissioned to create a painting celebrating Soviet–Polish friendship, to be called "Lenin in Poland." When the painting is unveiled at the Kremlin, there is a gasp from the invited guests; the painting depicts Nadezhda Krupskaya (Lenin's wife) n**... in bed with Leon Trotsky. One guest asks, "But this is a travesty! Where is Lenin?" To which the painter replies, "Lenin is in Poland."

In Soviet Russia...

A man asks a Russian: What nationality were Adam and Eve?
The Russian replies: Soviet of course!
The man asks: How do you know?
To which the Russian replies: Well they were both n**..., had only an apple to eat, and thought they were in paradise.

An American boasts to a Soviet about the freedom of speech he has.

He says, "I can literally walk up to the oval office and say, 'President Reagan, I don't like the way you are running this country' and I won't get into any problem at all!"
The Soviet replies, "I can do the exact same, too. I too can literally walk up to the Red Square and say, 'Comrade Brezhnev, I don't like the way President Reagan is running this country' and not get into any problem!"

A Soviet man is waiting in line to purchase v**... from a liquor store...

...but due to restrictions imposed by Gorbachev, the line is very long. The man loses his composure and screams, "I can't take this waiting in line anymore, I HATE Gorbachev, I am going to the Kremlin right now, and I am going to kill him!"
After 40 minutes the man returns and elbows his way back to his place in line. One man asks him if he has succeeded in killing Gorbachev.
"No, he responds. That line was even longer."

A Brit, a Frenchman and a Soviet are asked what nationality Adam and Eve were.

The Brit exclaims They must have been British! Look at how gentlemanly Adam behaved towards Eve. He must have been an Englishman.
Outrageous! Says the Frenchman. They must have been French. Look at the love that they exhibited towards each other! Only the French can love like that.
The Soviet chuckles and says You're both wrong. They must have been Soviet; they had no clothes, no food, and someone in charge was telling them they were in paradise .

Old Soviet joke.

Reagan and Gorbachev run a marathon.
Reagan won.
Next day US newspapers: Reagan won. Gorgachev lost .
Soviet newspapers: Gorbachev finished second. Reagan finished next to last .

A man lines up for food in Soviet Russia...

After two hours of waiting he gets his turn and offers his bowl.
Out of soup. says the officer in charge and waves him aside.
The man refuses to leave. He tosses the bowl on the table and curses the regime for failing his starving family.
The officer motions to the guards and they wrestle the ranting man away. As they shove him outside, one says to the man:
Back then we could've shot you in the snow, comrade.
The man goes back home to his wife. She sees him looking glum as he walks in and asks:
Ran out of soup again?
Even worse, he replied. They ran out of bullets.

What do you call a Soviet s**...?

A Marxman

Here is a joke from the Soviet Union (also popular in other communist countries before 1989)

A CIA agent is sent on a spy mission to Moscow, Soviet Union. He goes to a grocery store and writes down in his diary "There is no food".
He then goes to a clothes shop and puts down in the diary "there are no shoes".
He goes out of the shop and a KGB agent waits for him outside. "You know, 10 years ago we would have shot you for that."
The CIA agent writes in his diary "There are no bullets".

A Frenchman, and Englishman, and a Soviet are admiring a painting of Adam and Eve in the Garden of Eden.

The Frenchman says, They must be French, they're n**... and they're eating fruit.

The Englishman says, Clearly, they're English; observe how politely the women is offering fruit to the man.

The Soviet replies, No, they are Russian communists, of course. They have no house, nothing to wear, little to eat, and they think they are in Paradise.

In the Soviet Union there was a 10 year wait list

On cars. You had to collect the money and register 10 years in advance. A guy goes to register, makes the payment and the sales person asks him to get back after 10 years for the car. The guy asks "morning or afternoon?"
The sales person asks how does it matter -you're already waiting 10 years. The guy replies "because the plumber is visiting in the morning".
Old Soviet insider joke. Pardon any English mistakes.

An American spy comes into a Soviet bar

And orders a drink.
"No drink for US spies" said the barkeep.
The spy goes pale. He pulls out a bottle of v**... and drains it in one big gulp.
"You drink like Russian, but you are American spy"
The spy pulls out his accordeon and plays a wonderful Russian folk song, everyone in the bar tearing up, including the barkeep.
"You sing like Russian", he said under tears, "but you are American spy"
He starts dancing the Kozachok, worthy of the Bolshoy dancers.
"You dance like Russian, but you are American spy"
"Ok, you got me. But how do you know?"
"There are no black Russians"

A Jew living in the Soviet Union applies for an exit visa so he could emigrate to Israel.

As a result, he is summoned to the KGB headquarters.
I see that you applied to move to Israel? asks the KGB officer. The Jewish man nods.
Here in the USSR, don't you have food to eat?
Yeah, I can't complain.
And here in the USSR, don't you have place to live?
Yeah, yeah, I can't complain.
And here in the USSR, don't you have job to work at?
Yeah, I can't complain.
So, Jew, why did you apply to move to Israel?
Because There I can complain!

Joke told in the Soviet Union

(For context only 1/7 Soviets owned a car, and once you paid up front there was a 10 year wait to get one)
A man walks into the car store wanting to buy a car. He pays the man at the counter and the man at the counter says Alright, just come back in 10 years to pick one up. The man replies Morning or afternoon? The dealer says Well, 10 years from now what difference does it make? The man replies Well, the plumbers coming over in the morning.

Soviet Curfew

A man in Moscow is walking home after his day at work and he walks past a security checkpoint. One of the guards calls to him and tells him to stop, but he takes off running. The guard raises his rifle, takes aim, and shoots him dead in the street. The other guard stares at him.
What did you do that for? he asks.
Curfew violation, the other guard says.
Curfew violation? Curfew isn't for another half hour!
I know. That's my friend. I know where he lives. He never would have made it.

Three men are talking in a Soviet gulag.

One of them asks the two others: "So what did you do?"
The first one answers: "Well, I arrived late at the factory, and so they accused me of slowing down the Revolution and the victory of the Proletariat."
The second one answers: "Well, I arrived early at the factory, and so they accused me of wanting to be favored and promoted over my fellow workers."
Then they turn to the one who asked the question: "How about you, then?"
"Well, I arrived at the factory right on time, and so they accused me of having a watch from the West."

The soviet soldier asked the german how to get to Berlin

Soviet soldier:how do i go to Berlin ?
German: two hundred meters later take the third r**....
(it was my first english joke ever probably it gonna be the last one sorry for my broken english)

A man is out buying bread in Soviet Russia

When he sees that the bakery is out of flour, he shouts:
"d**... this country, we are so poor, I haven't been able to get a loaf of bread in days"
A policeman hears that and approaches the man.
"Stop saying things like that or..." the policeman says as he uses his fingers to form a gun, points it toward the man and says "Bang!"
The man is stunned and walks home.
The wife sees that the man is shocked and asks:
"What happened? Did we run out of flour again?"
The man weakly replies:
"Not only that, it appears that we also ran out of bullets!"

A Soviet archeology team is in Egypt on an expedition

They come across a pyramid and inside it is a mummy. Unfortunately, they can't determine who the mummy is. They get in touch with the NKVD who arrive a few hours later in the form of three hulking men carrying briefcases. The NKVD goons go inside the pyramid. After a few hours they come out.
"The mummy is Amenhotep XIII" says one of the NKVD goons.
"How did you find out?" asks one of the archeologists.
"He admitted it", replies the NKVD goon.

A man is waiting in a line in the Soviet Union to get food

As he gets closer to the counter, he sees that most people are now walking away empty handed.
When his turn comes, he asks "Hi comrade, I assume you are out of fish?"
"No comrade, you are in the wrong place. We are out of meat. The store across the street is the one that is out of fish".

Where do Soviet nerds gather?

At c**...-Con.

Old Soviet Joke

Picked this up from a collection of Soviet-era jokes
Q: "Why do the secret police patrol in groups of three?"
A: "That way there's always one who can read, and one who can write."
Q: "What about the third?"
A: "Someone's got to keep an eye on the two dangerous intellectuals."

A Soviet citizen is buying a car

He finally saved up enough rubles, went to the agency, and paid for a car.
He is told, "Come back on August 8th, 1983 to pick up your new car"
"But that's eight years from now."
"Yes, isn't it wonderful? The wait used to be ten years."
"Okay, fine. August 8th, 1983. Morning or afternoon?"
"It's eight years away. What difference does it make?"
"The plumber is coming in the morning."

Old soviet joke

The new soviet leader has just taken power.
The former leaders says to him 'I have left you two letters. When you get into problems open the first letter. If you still have problems open the second letter .
About 1 year into his leadership things are going badly for the new guy. He then remembers the words of the former leader and opens the first letter, which reads 'blame all your problems on me'. The new guy does this and everything is fine for a little while.
But sadly things go from bad to worse, so he opens the second letter, which reads 'sit down and write two letters'.

What nationality were Adam and Eve?

Soviet, of course. Who else would walk around barefoot and n**..., have one apple to share between them, and think they were in Paradise?

A Soviet Jew applies for an exit visa so he could emigrate to Israel.

As a result, he is summoned to the KGB headquarters.
I see that you want to move to Israel? asks the KGB interrogator. The Jewish man nods.
Here in the USSR, don't you have food to eat?
Yeah, I can't complain.
And here in the USSR, don't you have place to live?
Yeah, yeah, I can't complain.
And here in the USSR, don't you have job to work at?
Yeah, I can't complain.
So, Jew, why do you want to move to Israel?
Because There I can complain!

Why did Soviet policemen always walk around in groups of three?

One could read, and was needed to read ID documents in case of an arrest.
One could write, and was needed to write down the names for punishment.
The third one was needed to keep an eye on these two dangerous intellectuals.

In Gulag

Inmates discussing what they were sent to Gulag for.
"I was always 5 minutes late, so they sent me here for sabotage. You?"
"I was always 5 minutes early, so they sent me here for espionage. How about you, comrade?"
"I was always on time, so they sent me here for harming Soviet economy by buying watch in capitalist country"

A man living in the Soviet union is queuing up for bread...

when he gets to the front he is told there is none left.
Annoyed, the man goes on a tirade, complaining about the poor conditions and the incompetence of the government.
A soldier, hearing this, says to him, "you better be careful. In the old days it would have been...", the soldier points his gun at the man's head, "...bang!"
The man apologises and shuffles off. When he gets back home his wife asks him, "husband, your hands are empty! Have they run out of bread again?"
To which the man replies, "it's even worse than that. They've run out of bullets!"

Three gulag inmates

"Three gulag inmates are telling each other what they're in for. The first one says: 'I was five minutes late for work, and they charged me with sabotage.'
The second says: 'For me it was just the opposite: I was five minutes early for work, and they charged me with espionage.'
The third one says: 'I got to work right on time, and they charged me with harming the Soviet economy by acquiring a watch in a capitalist country.'"

Stalin visits a Young Pioneer camp.

He asks one boy, "What is your name, boy?"
"My name is Vovochka Karpov, Comrade Stalin" says the boy.
"So tell me, Vovochka," Stalin says, "who is your mother?"
"My mother is the Great Soviet Country!"
"Very good," says Stalin, "and your father?"
"My father is the wise and kind Josef Vissarionovich Stalin!"
Stalin pats Vovochka's cheek: "Marvelous! And what is your greatest desire?"
"To become an orphan."

Stalin is trying to s**... a girl in Soviet Russia

Stalin: Tell me what you want, I will grant you any wish to be with you..
Girl: I want you to open the borders.
Stalin: Aaah, you little tease, so you want us to have some alone time..

A soviet joke about censorship that I found in my school book

An American tells a Russian that people in USA have the freedom of speech and that he even could go to the White House and shout:"Go to h**..., Ronald Reagan!"
The russian answers:"Oh, we also have freedom of speech. I, too, can go to Kremlin and shout:" Go to h**..., Ronald Reagan!"

An Englishman, Frenchman and a Soviet go to an art exhibition.

They come to a marble bust of Adam and Eve. The Englishman says "Look at their calm repose, their stiff upper lip. They must have been English."
The Frenchman says "Look at their nakedness, their natural artistic beauty. They must have been French."
The Soviet goes "No no. They have no food, no water, no clothes and no shelter, and they're told they live in a Paradise. They're obviously Russian!"
Joke best told with very bad accents

Two men walk past a slogan in the Soviet Union

The slogan reads: "We shall liberate the people of the world from the chains of capitalism!". One of the men tells the other: "This is actually true. Remember the gold chain I had?"

Soviet joke, Two men walk past a slogan in the Soviet Union

jokes about soviet