Soviet Jokes
142 soviet jokes and hilarious soviet puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about soviet that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.
Discover the tradition of Soviet Jokes where Russians used wit and humor to make fun of life behind the Iron Curtain. Learn about Ivan and his famous 'Soviet Potato' punchline, and the irony of the infamous 'Soviet Reversal'. Explore the jokes of Gorbachev, the Kremlin, and other elements associated with life in the USSR.
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Funniest Soviet Short Jokes
Short soviet jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The soviet humour may include short communist russia jokes also.
- My wife says if I don't stop making puns about Russia, she's going to hit me. If that's the way it's going to be, then Soviet.
- 50s Soviet joke Who is your mother?
Our great Soviet country.
Who is your father?
Our dear comrade Stalin.
What's your greatest desire?
Becoming an orphan. - Did you guys know that the Soviet Union made the best bread in history? People would wait days in line for a single piece
- A girl I was dating invited me over to her place. When I went into her room, she had a Soviet banner draped on her wall. I left immediately. It was a big red flag.
- My girlfriend told me she would break up with me if I kept telling jokes about the USSR Soviet
- What did the American rocket say to the soviet rocket in space. Good we're alone now we can speak German.
- A Soviet newspaper announces: "Last night, the Chernobyl nuclear Power Station fulfilled the Five Year Plan for heat energy generation..."
"...in four microseconds." - Why was everyone in the Soviet Union so good at driving manual? Because they were afraid of Stalin.
- My girlfriend is weirdly obsessed with the Soviet Union. And for me, that's a major red flag.
- Who was the unluckiest person in Soviet Russia? Yuri Gagarin. He circled the earth 3 times but still ended up in Russia.
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Soviet One Liners
Which soviet one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with soviet? I can suggest the ones about communist and in communist russia.
- If pronouncing my b's as v's makes me sound Russian, Then soviet.
- If the USSR got back together Would it be called the Soviet reunion?
- In Soviet Russia, you rob banks... in Capitalist America, banks rob you!
- If me having a Russian accent means my B's sound like V's... Soviet
- What did soviet russians use for lighting before they started using candles? Electricity.
- Why could nobody in the Soviet Union drive a car? They kept Stalin.
- Dating pro tip: if s/he admires the Soviet Union... then that's a red flag
- "If my country starts to veer towards communism"... "Then Soviet"
- What did soviet Russians call an 8-hour bread line? Fast food
- The Soviet Union attempted to sell cars. Unfortunately Stalin was their biggest problem.
- I went to Soviet Russia once I knew I made a mistake, Because I saw all the Red flags
- What do you call a Russian marriage? A Soviet Union
- If Russia wants to be the first country to produce a vaccine ... ....Then Soviet
- The USSR just got back together! It's the Soviet Reunion
- Why weren't Soviet fighter jets ever any good? Cause they were always Stalin
Soviet Union Jokes
Here is a list of funny soviet union jokes and even better soviet union puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- Why can you never trust a car made in the Soviet Union? They keep Lenin to the left, and Stalin.
- My history teacher is a communist, so I made lots of references to the Soviet Union in my essay. I got full marx.
- Why didn't the Soviet Union publish any Where's Waldo books? It would be too easy to find Waldo, everyone would be waiting in a lineup.
- Y'know, communism is definitely the best system of government. Nowadays it costs one hundred dollars just to go camping for a night. In the Soviet Union you could go to camp forever, and it was free.
- We should get all the ex-soviet states back together Then we could have a Soviet Re-Union
- Why didn't the Soviet Union join WW2 until 1941? They were using Stalin-tactics
- What game were children actually encouraged to play in the Soviet Union? ISpy
- What do you call a Russian Wedding? A soviet union.
Dont hate me if this is a repost. Its my first post - If you go into someone's home And they have a former Soviet Union banner hanging on the wall,
That's a big red flag. - What was the Soviet Union's favorite videogame system? The Nintendo We
In Soviet Union Jokes
Here is a list of funny in soviet union jokes and even better in soviet union puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- I had this great joke about the Soviet Union... But it just fell apart in the end.
- Comrade Stalin announced that the Soviet Union would be transitioning back to a Monarchy But he was just being Tsar-castic
- I was dating a chick from the Soviet Union... it was nice until she tried to seize my means of reproduction.
- Why didn't the Soviet Union send Cosmonauts to the Moon? In case they didn't want to come back.
- There were two types of people in the Soviet Union People who supported the Communist Party and dead people.
- What's the difference between The Soviet Union and Russia? The Soviet union had Pepsi and Coke.
- Why didn't the Soviet Union work? Because it had a few red flags.
- Attended my russian Friends wedding It was quite a soviet union
- Here a fun fact, the Soviet Union didn't use land mines, They used land ours.
- Soviet Union Knock Knock.
"Who's there?"
Sounds of slapping and beating
"KGB, we ask question!"
Soviet Russia Jokes
Here is a list of funny soviet russia jokes and even better soviet russia puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- In Soviet Russia, pessimist says "things couldn't possibly possibly get any worse"... Russian optimist says "Yes they can!!!"
- In Soviet Russia, the government own businesses. In Capitalist America, businesses own the government. *Insert edgy quotes
- Back in the 80s I asked my friend from soviet Russia how he felt living there. He said he couldn't complain.
- My Siberian cousin was kidnapped while taking a selfie. In Soviet Russia, pictures take you.
- In Soviet Russia, the government regulates the pharmaceutical industry. In America, the pharmaceutical industry regulates the government.
- While in Soviet Russia, I went to visit a doctor. "What happened to you?" He said.
"Migraine" i replied.
He bent forward, push upped his glasses and said, "Correction. Ourgrain." - What happens when Russia, Belarus, Kazakhstan, Armenia, Ukraine and Latvia get back together? A Soviet reunion
- A man walks into a shop in Soviet Russia. He asks the clerk, You don't have any meat?
The clerk says, No, here we don't have any fish. The shop that doesn't have any meat is across the street. - In America, you listen to country In Soviet Russia, country listens to you!
- Kylie Jenner didn't need to go to soviet Russia to learn that in Soviet Russia Egg beats you
In Soviet Russia Jokes
Here is a list of funny in soviet russia jokes and even better in soviet russia puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- In soviet russia, there are no mines. There are just ours.
- With Vladimir Putin so eager to restore ties, I think the U.S and Russia should form one country. We can call it The United States of Soviet Russia! USSR for short.
- In Soviet Russia... Sanctions benefit you.
- I went to a Soviet era Russia restaurant once. I waited 20 minutes for the food and then the server came and told me, "sorry we don't serve food here."
- What is permanent in Soviet Russia? Temporary circumstances.
- Roses are red, violets are blue, in Soviet Russia, Year celebrates you.
- Oldie - -Communist China telegrams Soviet Russia Communist China:
WE ARE OUT OF FOOD. SEND GRAIN
Soviet reply:
WE ARE ALSO OUT OF FOOD. TIGHTEN YOUR BELTS
Communist China:
SEND BELTS - Soviet Russia used to have a leader who was also a singer in a rock band. He's none other than John Lenin.
- Did you hear about the USSR comedian who defined his self work through the success of his work? Because in Soviet Russia you don't make jokes, jokes make you.
- Soviet joke In capitalism, man exploits man. In glorious Russia workers state, is other way around.
Soviet Potato Jokes
Here is a list of funny soviet potato jokes and even better soviet potato puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- What is five hundred meters long and eats only potatoes? Soviet bread line.
Laughter Soviet Jokes for Everyone for Fun and Frivolity
What funny jokes about soviet you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean russian military jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make soviet pranks.
3 men are in a Soviet Prison
They ask each other why they are in prison.
The first says 'I was always 5 minutes late for work, so I was accused of sabotage'
The second says 'I was always 5 minutes early for work, so I was accused of espionage'
But the third says 'I was always on time for work, so I was accused of having a Western watch'
An artist is commissioned to create a painting to celebrate Soviet-Polish relations...
to be entitled 'Lenin in Poland'.
Around a month later the artist unveils his painting to a crowd of Soviet dignitaries, and it is greeted by gasps of disgust
The painting depicts Lenin's wife in bed with Leonid Trotsky
One of the assembled guests asks 'But where is Lenin?'
To which the artist replied, 'Lenin's in Poland'
Regular Russia, not the Soviet one
Ivan and Igor are standing at a bus stop in Russia. It is freezing cold and raining hard. A limo drives by and splashes icy water all over them. Ivan says to Igor, This is a terrible place to live, I want to go to America. Igor responses, Why do think America would be any better. Ivan stares at Igor in disbelief, Do you know what would happen in America? If a limo drove by and splashed you, the rich man would pull over, apologize, help you into the car, take you to his home, make you nice drink, feed you dinner, let you sleep in his warm bed, and then, the next morning, he would drop you off where ever you wanted to go. Igor says, Really? This happened to you?! Ivan, No, my wife.
Two policemen are walking down the street in Soviet Russia...
...when they spot a guy standing next to the local Party Headquarters holding a paintbrush. On the wall, he's just written "The government is run by idiots!". The first policeman pulls out a pair of handcuffs and asks the second, "Shall we arrest him for vandalizing public property, or for divulging state secrets?".
The Polish farmer
During WW2, a team of German and Soviet surveyors went through Poland to split the country.
One day they found a farm placed directly over the planned border. The surveyors agreed that the border couldn't be drawn through the house, and decided to ask the farmer.
- Do you want to belong to Soviet or Germany?, they asked him.
After some thinking, the farmer answered
- I'd like to belong to Germany.
- Why is that?
- Oh - I've heard the Russian winters are very cold
Old Soviet joke - Children in the USSR
Back in Soviet Russia, little Misha is being read to by his babysitter. She reads: 'In the USSR, kindegardens are filled with wonderful toys.'
Misha listens with bright eyes.
'In the USSR, every child has a brand new bicycle.'
Little Misha opens his eyes even wider.
'In the USSR, every child drinks hot cocoa for breakfast.'
Little Misha starts crying his eyes out, bawling:
'I want to go to the USSR!'
Saw some great soviet jokes on here. Here's one from President Reagan...
Buying a car in the Soviet Union is not quite so easy as buying a car in the United States. There's a terrible automobile shortage so you have to pay the money up front and then wait, sometimes many years, until a car is made available to you.
On one occasion, at the height of the shortage, a man went down to his local dealership to buy a car. After he had accepted the man's money and the paperwork had been signed, the dealer informed the man that his car would be ready in 10 years and that he could come back then and pick it up.
Taking note of the date, the man turned to leave but paused on his way out the door and asked, "morning or afternoon?"
"It's 10 years from now, what difference does it make?" replied the dealer.
"Well, I'm busy in the morning." said the man.
Confused, the dealer asked, "what could you possibly have planned for the morning ten years from today?"
"The plumber's coming to fix my sink," replied the man.
The Soviet chairman asks a high ranking party member about potato supplies
Chairman: How does our potato supply look?
Party member: We have so many potatoes that, if they were piled one on top of another, they could reach God.
Chairman: But God does not exist.
Party member: Neither do the potatoes.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Old Soviet joke
People are waiting in a long line like to buy v**.... Finally one alcoholic snaps and screams - 'I can't take it, I'll go kill Gorbachev!' And leaves the store. 10 minutes later he come back and says. 'The line to kill Gorbachev is even longer.'
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
quick historical Russian joke from early 90's
Quick context - Soviet Union just collapsed and Moscow streets are full of desperate people trying to some money to survive. A dialogue between street meat vendor (V), and a potential customer (C):
***
C: Was this meat barking or meowing?
V: It was asking s**... questions.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
In Russia, we have only two TV channels; Channel one is Soviet p**......
Channel two is KGB agent telling you to go back to channel one.
Old Soviet Joke
Little Boy: What will Communism be like when perfected?
His Father: Everyone will have what he needs.
Little Boy: But what if there is a shortage of meat?
His Father: There will be a sign in the butcher shop saying, "No one needs meat today."
Ancient Soviet joke
Guy turns on the TV and there's Brezhnev making a speech. He changes the channel, there's Brezhnev again, and tries again and on the next channel is a KGB officer saying - 'You'd better stop changing channels'.
A Soviet and an American are talking
The American says, "I am able to March into DC, march into the oval office, and say. Mr Reagan, I don't like how you're running this country." The Russian scoffs and says, "I can do the same, I can march into Moscow, go to the Kremlin, go to the general secretary's office and say. Mr Gorbachev, I don't like how Reagan is running his country."
An old soviet joke.
In a prison, two inmates are comparing notes. What did they arrest you for? asks the first. Was it a political or common crime? Of course it was political. I'm a plumber. They summoned me to the district Party committee to fix the sewage pipes. I looked and said, 'Hey, the entire system needs to be replaced.' So they gave me seven years.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Why did the soviet plane c**...?
It was stalin
TIL that back in the 1940s, as a result of failed communications between engineers and builders, the Soviet Union built thousands of submarines based on recalled 1850s schematics, resulting in millions of dollars in military funding being wasted.
Whoops, wrong sub.
I should have broken up with my boyfriend when he showed me his collection of Soviet memorabilia...
I mean, the red flags were right there in front of me.
Leonid Brezhnev, Soviet General Secretary, calls his head of the KGB, Yuri Andropov, into his office...
Brezhnev: "Comrade, how many Jews do we have in the Soviet Union?"
Andropov: "Approximately five million, Comrade."
Brezhnev: "And how many Jews do you think would leave if we allowed them to?"
Andropov: "Approximately 20 million, Comrade."
Soviet Breadline
At one of USSR's breadlines during the Perestroika, a man in the crowd is mumbling to himself. "No bread, no milk, no meat, what a shame".
Two policemen walking the beat hearing his mumbling walk up to him, and say:
"Comrade, if you said that 40 years ago you'd be shot, so just shut up and stand in line like everybody else"
As the policemen leave, the man turns back to the crowd and says:
"Not only we don't have bread or milk, but I was just told we ran out of bullets too."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Lenin in Warsaw
A Soviet filmmaker makes a film called Lenin in Warsaw. Everybody shows up for the premiere. The film opens—on Lenin's wife, Krupskaya, n**..., having mad s**... with another man. And then another. And another. And so on. The film continues in the same vein for ninety minutes.
Finally, the lights come up and the director takes questions from the audience.
First question: Very interesting movie, comrade, but—where was Lenin?
The director answers: In Warsaw.
Soviet Joke
Moscow, 1985, 3rd grade class
Teacher: Life in Soviet Union is great, all families have a nice apartment, a car, all children have nice toys!
Little Kid starts crying
Teacher: Vladimir, why are you crying??
Little Kid: I wanna go to Soviet Union!!
Potatoes For Everyone!
A party official asks a farmer how things are going, and the farmer replies that the harvest is so bountiful that the potatoes would reach the ''foot of God'' if piled on top of one another.
''But this is the Soviet Union,'' says the commissar, ''there is no God here.'' The farmer replies, ''That's all right, there are no potatoes, either.''
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A Soviet man is waiting in line to purchase v**... from a liquor store...
...but due to restrictions imposed by Gorbachev, the line is very long. The man loses his composure and screams, "I can't take this waiting in line anymore, I HATE Gorbachev, I am going to the Kremlin right now, and I am going to kill him!"
After 40 minutes the man returns and elbows his way back to his place in line. One man asks him if he has succeeded in killing Gorbachev.
"No, he responds. That line was even longer."
Old Soviet joke. A woman runs to catch a bus.
She just makes it in time. "Thank God!" She exclaims as she gets on.
The bus driver shakes his head disapprovingly. "You know you cannot give thanks to God," he says. "You must instead give thanks to Comrade Stalin."
"And what if Comrade Stalin dies?" Asks the woman. "What should I do then?"
"Well if Comrade Stalin dies, then you can give thanks to God."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A Brit, a Frenchman and a Soviet are asked what nationality Adam and Eve were.
The Brit exclaims They must have been British! Look at how gentlemanly Adam behaved towards Eve. He must have been an Englishman.
Outrageous! Says the Frenchman. They must have been French. Look at the love that they exhibited towards each other! Only the French can love like that.
The Soviet chuckles and says You're both wrong. They must have been Soviet; they had no clothes, no food, and someone in charge was telling them they were in paradise .
Old Soviet joke.
Reagan and Gorbachev run a marathon.
Reagan won.
Next day US newspapers: Reagan won. Gorgachev lost .
Soviet newspapers: Gorbachev finished second. Reagan finished next to last .
A man lines up for food in Soviet Russia...
After two hours of waiting he gets his turn and offers his bowl.
Out of soup. says the officer in charge and waves him aside.
The man refuses to leave. He tosses the bowl on the table and curses the regime for failing his starving family.
The officer motions to the guards and they wrestle the ranting man away. As they shove him outside, one says to the man:
Back then we could've shot you in the snow, comrade.
The man goes back home to his wife. She sees him looking glum as he walks in and asks:
Ran out of soup again?
Even worse, he replied. They ran out of bullets.
Here is a joke from the Soviet Union (also popular in other communist countries before 1989)
A CIA agent is sent on a spy mission to Moscow, Soviet Union. He goes to a grocery store and writes down in his diary "There is no food".
He then goes to a clothes shop and puts down in the diary "there are no shoes".
He goes out of the shop and a KGB agent waits for him outside. "You know, 10 years ago we would have shot you for that."
The CIA agent writes in his diary "There are no bullets".
One of my favorite Reagan jokes:
A Soviet Diplomat goes to one of the farms in Russia, and approaches the farmer.
How are the carrots doing? Said the Diplomat.
Oh, the carrots are as big and orange as ever! Replies the farmer.
I see, and how are the beets?
Oh, sir, if Gorbachev saw these beets, he would cry with joy!
And what about the potatoes?
Sir, if we stacked the potatoes, they would be high enough to reach God!
The diplomat stares for a minute. But comrade, we don't believe in god.
Oh, good. Says the farmer. Because there are no potatoes.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A Frenchman, and Englishman, and a Soviet are admiring a painting of Adam and Eve in the Garden of Eden.
The Frenchman says, They must be French, they're n**... and they're eating fruit.
The Englishman says, Clearly, they're English; observe how politely the women is offering fruit to the man.
The Soviet replies, No, they are Russian communists, of course. They have no house, nothing to wear, little to eat, and they think they are in Paradise.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
An American spy comes into a Soviet bar
And orders a drink.
"No drink for US spies" said the barkeep.
The spy goes pale. He pulls out a bottle of v**... and drains it in one big gulp.
"You drink like Russian, but you are American spy"
The spy pulls out his accordeon and plays a wonderful Russian folk song, everyone in the bar tearing up, including the barkeep.
"You sing like Russian", he said under tears, "but you are American spy"
He starts dancing the Kozachok, worthy of the Bolshoy dancers.
"You dance like Russian, but you are American spy"
"Ok, you got me. But how do you know?"
"There are no black Russians"
Two prisoners are talking in a Soviet gulag...
One says: "We're really cut off from the news here. For instance, I never found out the result of the Fischer-Spassky chess match."
The other one replies: "Oh, I lost."
A woman and her husband were arguing over the current precipitation...
The woman insisted it was drizzling outside while her husband said that really, it was just misting.
They decided that the argument would be settled by asking their elderly former soviet neighbor Rudolf.
Rudolf grimaced at the sky for a moment and held up a hand to catch some of the falling moisture. "It is drizzle," he declared.
The husband, a little put out by losing the argument, complained. "And why are we accepting our neighbors judgement?"
"Because," the wife replied, "Rudolf the red knows rain, dear."
Soviet Curfew
A man in Moscow is walking home after his day at work and he walks past a security checkpoint. One of the guards calls to him and tells him to stop, but he takes off running. The guard raises his rifle, takes aim, and shoots him dead in the street. The other guard stares at him.
What did you do that for? he asks.
Curfew violation, the other guard says.
Curfew violation? Curfew isn't for another half hour!
I know. That's my friend. I know where he lives. He never would have made it.
Three men are talking in a Soviet gulag.
One of them asks the two others: "So what did you do?"
The first one answers: "Well, I arrived late at the factory, and so they accused me of slowing down the Revolution and the victory of the Proletariat."
The second one answers: "Well, I arrived early at the factory, and so they accused me of wanting to be favored and promoted over my fellow workers."
Then they turn to the one who asked the question: "How about you, then?"
"Well, I arrived at the factory right on time, and so they accused me of having a watch from the West."
An american soldier was talking to a soviet soldier.
The american says, "the great thing about America is that we have freedom of speech! For instance, I can go right into the white house, walk up to president Reagan and say, "Mr. President, I completely disagree with the way you are running this country!" The soviet soldier responds, "so what? I can do that too!" The american soldier is baffled! He says, "really you can?"
"Sure! I can go right into the Kremlin, right up to the general secretary and say, "Mr. Gorbachev, I completely disagree with the way President Reagan is running his country!"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
The soviet soldier asked the german how to get to Berlin
Soviet soldier:how do i go to Berlin ?
German: two hundred meters later take the third r**....
(it was my first english joke ever probably it gonna be the last one sorry for my broken english)
A joke from my grandfather
In a kindergarten classroom in Moscow in 1980:
Teacher: The Soviet Union is the heaven where you always have food to fill your stomach and your parents have a job and everyone is happy.
Student named Mikhail: Teacher I want to go to the Soviet Union.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A man is out buying bread in Soviet Russia
When he sees that the bakery is out of flour, he shouts:
"d**... this country, we are so poor, I haven't been able to get a loaf of bread in days"
A policeman hears that and approaches the man.
"Stop saying things like that or..." the policeman says as he uses his fingers to form a gun, points it toward the man and says "Bang!"
The man is stunned and walks home.
The wife sees that the man is shocked and asks:
"What happened? Did we run out of flour again?"
The man weakly replies:
"Not only that, it appears that we also ran out of bullets!"
A Soviet archeology team is in Egypt on an expedition
They come across a pyramid and inside it is a mummy. Unfortunately, they can't determine who the mummy is. They get in touch with the NKVD who arrive a few hours later in the form of three hulking men carrying briefcases. The NKVD goons go inside the pyramid. After a few hours they come out.
"The mummy is Amenhotep XIII" says one of the NKVD goons.
"How did you find out?" asks one of the archeologists.
"He admitted it", replies the NKVD goon.
A man is waiting in a line in the Soviet Union to get food
As he gets closer to the counter, he sees that most people are now walking away empty handed.
When his turn comes, he asks "Hi comrade, I assume you are out of fish?"
"No comrade, you are in the wrong place. We are out of meat. The store across the street is the one that is out of fish".
They say that WWII was won with American steel, British intelligence, and Soviet blood
Of course, they wouldn't have gotten very far on Soviet steel, American intelligence, and British blood
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Where do Soviet nerds gather?
At c**...-Con.
Old Soviet Joke
Picked this up from a collection of Soviet-era jokes
\*\*\*
Q: "Why do the secret police patrol in groups of three?"
A: "That way there's always one who can read, and one who can write."
Q: "What about the third?"
A: "Someone's got to keep an eye on the two dangerous intellectuals."
A Soviet citizen is buying a car
He finally saved up enough rubles, went to the agency, and paid for a car.
He is told, "Come back on August 8th, 1983 to pick up your new car"
"But that's eight years from now."
"Yes, isn't it wonderful? The wait used to be ten years."
"Okay, fine. August 8th, 1983. Morning or afternoon?"
"It's eight years away. What difference does it make?"
"The plumber is coming in the morning."
Old soviet joke
The new soviet leader has just taken power.
The former leaders says to him 'I have left you two letters. When you get into problems open the first letter. If you still have problems open the second letter .
About 1 year into his leadership things are going badly for the new guy. He then remembers the words of the former leader and opens the first letter, which reads 'blame all your problems on me'. The new guy does this and everything is fine for a little while.
But sadly things go from bad to worse, so he opens the second letter, which reads 'sit down and write two letters'.
A group of Soviet tourists takes express-lesson of Italian before departure.
-Write a couple of phrases in Italian - tour guide says - such as: ''How much does lemonade cost?'', ''Where is the pharmacy?''
One of the tourists asks:
-How do I say ''Please, provide me a political asylum''?
-What have you just said? - asks another tourist seriously.
-Nevermind, just wanted to know which one of you is our KGB senior for this trip.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
An old Jew is standing on a street corner in Soviet Russia.
He is holding up a poster that says "Thank you, Comrade Stalin for my happy childhood."
A policeman walking the beat sees the poster and says, "Are you trying to mock our Great Motherland? Everybody can see that when you were a child, Comrade Stalin hasn't even been born."
The old Jew replies, "That is precisely why I'm grateful to him."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
What nationality were Adam and Eve?
Soviet, of course. Who else would walk around barefoot and n**..., have one apple to share between them, and think they were in Paradise?
Why did Soviet policemen always walk around in groups of three?
One could read, and was needed to read ID documents in case of an arrest.
One could write, and was needed to write down the names for punishment.
The third one was needed to keep an eye on these two dangerous intellectuals.
KGB Joke. Because we don't have enough Soviet era humor
Natasha is walking down street in Moscow and sees KGB friend Boris walking toward her.
Natasha says, Is that gun in pocket or are you just happy to see me.
Shot rings out and Natasha falls dead on street.
Was gun.
An American and a Soviet Russian were discussing the benefits of each country.
The American says "I like America because if I don't like the way things are going, I can walk into the White House, go up to the president's desk, and say 'Mr. President, I don't like the way you're running this country'
The Russian says "It's the same in the USSR! If I don't like the way things are going, I can go to the Kremlin Presidium, walk right up to the Presidium of the Supreme Soviet, and say 'Members of the Presidium, I do not like the way that the American president is running his country'"
A man living in the Soviet union is queuing up for bread...
when he gets to the front he is told there is none left.
Annoyed, the man goes on a tirade, complaining about the poor conditions and the incompetence of the government.
A soldier, hearing this, says to him, "you better be careful. In the old days it would have been...", the soldier points his gun at the man's head, "...bang!"
The man apologises and shuffles off. When he gets back home his wife asks him, "husband, your hands are empty! Have they run out of bread again?"
To which the man replies, "it's even worse than that. They've run out of bullets!"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Why do Soviets always write in lower-case?
Because they hate Capitalism.
Stalin visits a Young Pioneer camp.
He asks one boy, "What is your name, boy?"
"My name is Vovochka Karpov, Comrade Stalin" says the boy.
"So tell me, Vovochka," Stalin says, "who is your mother?"
"My mother is the Great Soviet Country!"
"Very good," says Stalin, "and your father?"
"My father is the wise and kind Josef Vissarionovich Stalin!"
Stalin pats Vovochka's cheek: "Marvelous! And what is your greatest desire?"
"To become an orphan."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Stalin is trying to s**... a girl in Soviet Russia
Stalin: Tell me what you want, I will grant you any wish to be with you..
Girl: I want you to open the borders.
Stalin: Aaah, you little tease, so you want us to have some alone time..
An Englishman, Frenchman and a Soviet go to an art exhibition.
They come to a marble bust of Adam and Eve. The Englishman says "Look at their calm repose, their stiff upper lip. They must have been English."
The Frenchman says "Look at their nakedness, their natural artistic beauty. They must have been French."
The Soviet goes "No no. They have no food, no water, no clothes and no shelter, and they're told they live in a Paradise. They're obviously Russian!"
Joke best told with very bad accents
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Why do Soviet Russians dislike running so much?
Because they can never make it past the Finnish line.
Two men walk past a slogan in the Soviet Union
The slogan reads: "We shall liberate the people of the world from the chains of capitalism!". One of the men tells the other: "This is actually true. Remember the gold chain I had?"
