The Best 82 Southern Jokes

Following is our collection of funny Southern jokes. There are some southern illinois jokes no one knows (to tell your friends) and to make you laugh out loud.

Take your time to read those puns and riddles where you ask a question with answers, or where the setup is the punchline. We hope you will find these southern southern redneck puns funny enough to tell and make people laugh.

Top 10 of the Funniest Southern Jokes and Puns

Once I was walking along the Golden Gate Bridge

Once I was walking along the Golden Gate Bridge and I saw this guy about to jump.

I said, "Don't jump."

He said, "Nobody loves me."

I said, "God loves you. Are you a Christian or a Jew?"

He said, "A Christian."

I said, "Me too! Protestant or Catholic?"

He said, "Protestant."

I said, "Me too! What denomination?"

He said, "Baptist."

I said, "Me too! Northern Baptist or Southern Baptist?"

He said, "Northern Baptist."

I said, "Me too! Northern Conservative Baptist or Northern Liberal Baptist?"

He said, "Northern Conservative Baptist."

I said, "Me too! Northern Conservative Baptist, Great Lakes Conference, or Northern Conservative Baptist, Eastern Conference?"

He said, "Northern Conservative Baptist, Great Lakes Conference."

I said, "Me too! Northern Conservative Baptist Great Lakes Conference, Council of 1879, or Northern Conservative Baptist Great Lakes Conference, Council of 1912."

He said, "Northern Conservative Baptist Great Lakes Conference, Council of 1912."

I said, "Die, heretic!" And I pushed him off.

--Emo Philips

the case for the lost bicycle

A Methodist preacher and a Baptist preacher live in a small southern town. Every day, they pass each other on their bycycles as they ride to their respective churches. One day, the Methodist notices the Baptist walking.

He says "Brother, where is your bicycle?"

"My heart is heavy, for I fear that a member of my congregation has stolen it" replied the Baptist.

"That's horrible." Thinking for a moment, the Methodist has an idea. "I know how we might get your bike back. This Sunday, you should preach the ten commandments. When you get to thou shalt not steal, really bear down on it. Maybe the theif will feel guilty and return your bike."

"That's a great idea, I'll try it!"

Sure enough, the following Monday, the Methodist preacher sees the Baptist Preacher riding his bike.

"I see my plan worked" said the Methodist.

"Well, not exactly" replied the Baptist. "I did like you said, and gave a real fire and brimstone sermon on the ten commandments. However, when I got to thou shalt no commit adultery, I remembered where I left my bike."

Thanksgiving in Bulgaria

Obviously Thanksgiving is an American holiday. However, as a former soldier deployed to Southern Europe, I was given a week long pass during the week of Thanksgiving. I decided to go to Bulgaria. You know what the best thing about Thanksgiving in Bulgaria is?

Bulgaria is next to Turkey and Greece.

Southern joke, Thanksgiving in Bulgaria

I'm from the southern US, is it OK to poke fun at myself?

Why don't schools in the south teach Driver's Ed and Sex Ed on same day?

Too hard on the mule.

A joke from Civil War History Class today

Teacher asks: 'The southern plantations were very wealthy. Exactly how much of that wealth did the slaves get?'

Student answers: 'A whip'


Looking for a joke about being shitfaced.

Sorry, there's no punchline, this isn't a joke.

I was hoping someone could help me here, though.

I'm trying to remember a joke that was told my a while ago by a Southern man after he passed out drunk. It was something along the lines of "Where is shitfaced in the dictionary? Between X and Y," where X and Y are two relevant words that start with "s."

Any ideas? Variations? Sound familiar?

Thanks!

What's the difference between a Southern wedding and a Southern tornado?

Nothing - either way someone's gonna lose a trailer

*shamelessly stolen from Robin Williams

Southern joke, What's the difference between a Southern wedding and a Southern tornado?

So why don't Southern Belles attend orgies any more?

Too many thank-you notes to write

What do Vietnamese historians and Southern rednecks have in common?

They both care way too much about the Đức Dynasty.

Did you know that calculus was never taught in southern schools before the 1960s?

They didn't believe in integration.

My Life Sucks...

...I'm 22 years old and the only job I've had so far was working in fast food. My co-worker hates me and has tried to kill me. Also I have no friends except a southern girl I like and my other friend who only hangs out with me because he is mental. I have to ride my bike everywhere because I can never get my drivers license. And the worst part is, I live in a pineapple.ο»Ώ

You can explore southern gloria reddit one liners, including funnies and gags. Read them and you will understand what jokes are funny? Those of you who have teens can tell them clean southern california dad jokes. There are also southern puns for kids, 5 year olds, boys and girls.


Mexico is now the world's fattest nation, is plagued by gun violence, and has a big problem with illegal immigrants crossing their southern border...

I guess they became Americans after all.

So I hear there is a rule about not ending sentences with a preposition.

A snobbish English teacher was sitting in an Atlanta airport coffee shop waiting for her flight back to Connecticut, when a friendly Southern belle sat down next to her.

'Where y'all goin' to?' asked the Southern belle.

Turning her nose in the air, the snob replied 'I don't answer people who end their sentences with prepositions'.

The Southern belle thought a moment, and tried again. 'Where y'all goin' to, bitch?'

An unhinged neurosurgeon, a tech CEO, and a Southern Baptist preacher walk into a bar...

they all ask for your vote

Why does it take southerners so long to do their chores?

Because slavery is illegal.

I can't stop traveling to Southern Spain.

It's all so Moorish.

Southern joke, I can't stop traveling to Southern Spain.

Why don't Southern girls engage in orgies?

Too many thank-you notes.

How do you tell the difference between a Northern and a Southern zoo?

A Northern zoo has a large plaque in front of each animal cage. The plaque list the genus, species, common name, average life span, habitat and diet of the animal.

A Southern zoo has a recipe in from of each animal cage.

What's the worst part of going to a southern family reunion?

Seeing your ex.


A joke to me by an old southern man.

I told my Wife to go to Cox's and get me a seersucker suit.
She went to Sears......

No matter who wins the election they are going to have a build a wall on the southern border

of Canada.

Mexico was pretty livid when Donald Trump announced his plan to build a wall along the southern border of the United States...

...But once it's erected and complete, I'm sure they'll manage to get over it.

i' ve just bought an house in France, southern coast.

It' s very Nice.

My buddy has tried to stop speaking in such a deep southern accent

he's going through withdrawls

Did you hear about the new Vietnamese noodle / southern BBQ fusion restaurant?

It's called Pho-Q

What is a southern aristocratic families favourite dance move?

The whip

Mexicans WILL build the wall...

Upon contract of Canadian goverment for their owm southern border!

Jews don't recognize Jesus. Protestants don't recognize the Pope.

Southern Baptists don't recognize each other at the liquor store.

"Y'know with all the civil unrest, political corruption, class divides, drug smuggling, gang wars, police brutality, gun violence, and poor education maybe building a wall to protect us from our southern neighbors isn't such a bad idea"

\- Canada

What did the southern police chief say about the black man found shot six times?

Worst case of suicide he's ever seen.

From the South, but Not Southern

People: You're from the south? But you don't have an accent.

Me: I know, my parents put me in school.

What do you call an unsuccessful migrant trying to illegally cross the U.S. southern border?

A Mexi*cant*

I'm writing a southern rock song about chicken eggs...

...it's called "Prebird"

What do you call a southern lumberjack

a tree feller

[NSFW] A female prostitute gives a southern man the time of his life...

When they finish the man asks "Geee Miss, how much do I owe ya?"

The prostitute replies "For you, hon? Only 20 dollars."

The southern man replies, "Well golly, miss. I thought the rate was 50 dollars."

The prostitute looks at the man, smiles and says...

"Not for you, baby... Family Discount."

What do Southerners have in common with peanut butter?

They are both usually in bread.

Why are the southern states so bad at calculus?

Because they have trouble whenever they try integration.

Where's the worst place to get screwed by 8 inches?

Probably one of the southern states, they really aren't prepared for that much snow.

Southerners can do pretty good civil war voice impressions....

General Lee speaking.

What does a southern belle playing Magic the Gathering say when her opponent disrupts her mana production?

My lands!

If Italian bread is Italian bread, and French bread is French bread, what do you call southern bread

Inbred

I got kicked out of my Southern Baptist bible study group

We were wrapping up today's session and our teacher asked the class what type of gun Jesus would have were he around today.

Apparently nail gun was not the right answer

The state of Florida is a navigational anomaly...

The further north you go the more southern it gets.

What do you call a racist, southern bakery?

Cake Cake Cake

Christmas Carol not to be sung in Southern California...

Oh the weather outside is frightful...
But the fire is so delightful...
And since you have no place to go....

What do you call it when 2 Southern people betray each other?

Betra-y'all

How does a southerner take money out of his bank account?

With drawl, of course

Did you know that dogs chase their tails clockwise in the southern hemisphere and counter-clockwise in the northern hemisphere?

It's called the Corgi-olis Effect.

What's the difference between a Yankee zoo and a Southern zoo?

The Yankee zoo will have the name of the animal and its Latin name. The Southern zoo will have the name of the animal and a recipe.

What did the southern side of the tree say to the northern side when it died?

I'm sorry for your moss

I made this up and I apologise. It's awful.

How do southerners speak of addiction recovery?

With drawl

We need a wall on our southern border to keep out the filthy, raping, murdering savages

Keep the Yankees out of our glorious country!

We might be small and weak but at least we are actually a democracy!

My Southern friends are like "K"s

they're alright when they are by themselves, but get 3 of 'em together and it gets pretty racist

What do southerners do in their free time

their sister

What do you call a southern liberal?

A libery'all

How many Southerners does it take to change a light bulb?

300. One to actually change it and the rest of them to talk about how good the old one was.

Remember past mistakes and never trust the voters to make good decisions...

Southern Biscuits and Gravy was actually a finalist in the Lay's Chip Contest

BREAKING NEWS!

Two tanker ships collided and sank in the southern Pacific Ocean yesterday. One was filled with red paint and the other, smaller tanker, was filled with blue paint. All crew members survived but now are marooned on an uninhabited island.

Why do elephants paint their toenails red.

A: To hide in the cherry trees!

Ever seen an elephant in a cherry tree?? Then I guess it works!

(As told by my mid-70s, overall wearin, Southern Comfort drinkin neighbor.)

Below the southern border is a world of corruption and evil

Good thing I live in North Korea, all praise our glorious leader

According to the Southern Baptist Convention... couples are forbidden to have sex while standing up.

They're afraid it might lead to dancing.

I ate five alarm chili last night...

...this morning I'm declaring a National Emergency at my southern border.

Why are Southerners so bad at managing money?

They only talk with drawls.

Below our Southern border is filled with chaos, violence, and corruption. The government is in shambles and the people are always fighting amongst themselves.

Thank god I live in Canada.

Why not go to southern France?

There's nothing Toulouse

How do southern Chinese people say hi?

Ni-Howdy

Why should you always serve a Southern Carolina football man soup in a plate?

Cause if you give him a bowl, he'll throw it away.

What do you call a southern divorce?

A secession from the union.

Southern family trees are like palm trees...

No branches and the family members are fronds with benefits

The Southern stages of grief:

- Aw naw

- Aw Hell naw

- Y'all done up and done it naw

"Yeah. Those animals across our southern border have ruined their own country and our trying to invade and ruin ours. With their rampent guns and drugs... their government has become a shambles of nut job military and rich drug addicts who don't care about anyone!

Eh?"

What's the difference between a northern and a southern fairytale?

A northeren fairytale begins "Once upon a time..." A southern fairytale begins"Y'all ain't gonna believe this shit..."

Today our leaders closed of the southern border preventing people from coming to our country for a better life a better education and much needed health care!

As a Canadian I am outraged!

Record low temperatures causing snow and freezing all over the southern United States.

Finally: white people in Texas are having problems with ICE.

What does a southern Buddhist say when they die?

What in reintarnation!

Street gangs of southern LA have started decapitating each other and using the body parts to trade for goods...

The most valuable of which is the Crip toe currency.

Did you know? In Marseille, they actually give you a certificate with every souvenir you buy, as a means of demonstrating that it's a genuine product of southern France.

It's proven Provence province provenance.

Switch Operator

This guy was applying for a job as a switch operator on the railroad. The engineer was conducting the interview. "What would you do if the Northern Express was heading north on Track 1 and the Southern Central was heading south on Track 1?" The guy thought. "Well, I'd call my brother." The engineer just sat there for a second. "Why on Earth would you call your brother?" "He's never seen a train wreck before."

A Southern Belle and snobby New York socialite meet at a swanky party.

The southern belle says, How nice to meet you! Where are y'all from?

The snob sniffs and says, I am from a place where we do not end our sentences with a preposition.

So the belle says, Oh, I'm so sorry. Where are y'all from, *bitch*?

Couple went to New York and hired a Cab.

He had a broad Southern accent
Cabbies
: "whhhherre are Yaaah
Frumm?"
Wife: "what is he sayin?"
Husband: "asking where we from"
Husband to cabbie: "London"

Cabbie:" whereeee inn Londonn?"
Wife:"what is he sayin?"
Husband to wife: "asking where from in London"
Husband to cabbie: "Stamford"

Cabbie:" Stammfordd , I know the place, was there during the war and had an English girlfriend.
Had the worst sex of my Life"
Wife:"what is he sayin now?"
Husband: " He says he knows you!!"

What's the rarest category on Jeopardy?

Contestants with southern accents

A Southern lady sits down next to a Yankee businesswoman on a plane. Trying to be friendly, the Southerner asks, "So, where ya'all from?"

The Yankee sniffs in disdain and replies, "Where I'm from, we don't end our sentences in prepositions!"

The lady, a little shocked by the rudeness says, "Aight, where ya'all from, bitch?"

Just think that there are jokes based on truth that can bring down governments, or jokes which make girl laugh. Many of the southern southern baptist jokes and puns are jokes supposed to be funny, but some can be offensive. When jokes go too far, are mean or racist, we try to silence them and it will be great if you give us feedback every time when a joke become bullying and inappropriate.

We suggest to use only working southern southern girl piadas for adults and blagues for friends. Some of the dirty witze and dark jokes are funny, but use them with caution in real life. Try to remember funny jokes you've never heard to tell your friends and will make you laugh.

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