South Jokes

What are some South jokes?

When I professed my love to a female friend she told me she loved me like a brother...

We are from the south so things are going good.

You guys know how the toothbrush was invented in the south?

Because if it was invented in the north, it would've been called a teethbrush.

A professor in South Africa is teaching her students how to form Emglish sentences.

Attention class I have two words: Cheetah, and dandelion. Can anybody use these together in a sentence?

One student raises their hand,

The cheetah is faster dandelion.

Why don't they teach Calculus in the Deep South?

Because they don't like integration.

What sex position are you not allowed to use in the south?

Reverse cowgirl, you never turn your back on family.

The country would be a lot better off if the South had won the war.....

...General Lee speaking

North Korea is participating in the olympics this year, but they won't win.

Because all of their athletes that can run jump or swim are in south korea

My Southern friends are like "K"s

they're alright when they are by themselves, but get 3 of 'em together and it gets pretty racist

I don't get why Japanese people and South Korean people just can't get along.

I mean, they're all Chinese.

What do South American governments and internal combustion engines have in common?

Both are measured in revolutions per minute.

I want to visit north Korea one day...

before everything goes south.

How south is South Africa?

South AF

As migration approached, two elderly vultures

As migration approached, two elderly vultures doubted they could make the trip south, so they decided to go by airplane.

When they checked their baggage, the attendant noticed that they were carrying two dead raccoons. "Do you wish to check the raccoons through as luggage?" she asked.

"No, thanks," replied the vultures. "They're carrion."

A North-Korean officer pulls out a megaphone at the North and South Korean border and yells "Kim Jong-Un is an idiot!" and gets sent to 31 years in a labor camp.

1 year for insulting the Dear Leader and 30 years for revealing a state secret.

What does a South Carolina cop do when a panda runs away from him?

Shoots him 8 times in the black.

How is a thrown dictionary similar to birds flying south for winter?

They're both flying information.

Why is the south bad at calculus?

They don't know how to integrate.

A North Korean man frequently sneaks to the South Korean capital to gamble for bakery goods for his family.

He is the seoul breadwinner

Missing South Africa

In Toronto I saw a bumper sticker on a parked car that read:
"I miss South Africa."

So I broke the window, took the radio and left a note that read:
"I hope this helps."

Why is the South the best place to hide in case of zombie takeover?

Southerner zombies don't have any teeth to bite with.

What's the difference between a South African prison and Leonardo Dicaprio?

A South African prison has an Oscar

So why don't Southern Belles attend orgies any more?

Too many thank-you notes to write

TIL several states in the South banned calculus from schools in the 1950's.

Apparently they opposed integration.

Why is teaching calculus so difficult in the South?

They hate integration

How many South Americans does it take to screw in a light bulb?

A Brazilian.

So George Bush is in his office...

His adviser comes in tells him, "Mr. President I'm afraid I have some bad news. There was an explosion at our embassy in South America, two Americans were killed as well as three Brazilian citizens."
Bush looks at him and says, "Oh my God... How many is a brazilian?"

Breaking News: A ship carrying red paint just collided with a ship carrying purple paint, in the South China Sea.

Authorities report that the crews of both ships are marooned

Archeologists in South Africa have just discoved what they think is the oldest tampon ever found

They are trying to find out what period it came from

In Japan they invented a machine that catches thieves

In Japan they invented a machine that catches thieves, so they took it out to different countries for a test. In USA, in 30 minutes, it caught 20 thieves,
UK, in 30 minutes it caught 500 thieves,
Spain in 20 minutes it caught 25 thieves :
Nigeria in 10 minutes it caught 6,000 thieves,
Uganda in 7 minutes it caught 20,000 thieves,
Then they brought it to South Africa , in 5 minutes the machine was stolen.

I'm from the southern US, is it OK to poke fun at myself?

Why don't schools in the south teach Driver's Ed and Sex Ed on same day?

Too hard on the mule.

What is the most popular dating website in the south?

Ancestry.com

My girlfriend's best friend had her arm stuck in the dirt this morning

She asked me how to get her hand out quickly.

I told her, "Dig south for her arm, bae."

Lazy vultures

Two lazy vultures had procrastinated on flying south for the winter until the first frost hit, then they got worried. "We better catch an airplane to Mexico, lets go to the airport!" So they take off down the road, and as luck would have it, they come across two dead road-killed opossums, that had started to get nice and smelly, just like vultures like them. "What luck, we better take these with us, I heard the airlines don't offer meals on the flight anymore." So they each grab a dead opossum, tuck it under their wing, and head on to the terminal. They walk up to the ticket counter and tell they lady "We'd like two tickets to Cancun, please."

"Very well," she says, "Will you be checking any bags?"

"No," say the vultures, holding up the dead opossum carcasses, "we only have carrion."

Why does it take southerners so long to do their chores?

Because slavery is illegal.

Obama goes on vacation to South Carolina and goes for an ocean swim...

And begins to drown! A young lifeguard swims out and rescues him, pulling him back to shore.

"Thank you so much for saving me young lady. Please, tell me what I can do to repay you."

"Aw shucks, I don't need nuthin', sir, it's just ma job!" She says.

"Listen, I'm the President of the United States, I can give you anything you want!"

She thinks for a moment and says "Well, I'd mighty like a plot at the Arlington National Cemetery if ya can do that fer me."

"Why does a young woman like you want a burial plot at the cemetery?"

"Because" she said, "When my friends and family find out what I just did they'll kill me!"

Why is it always a full tide in South Africa?

Because they made a part tide illegal.

Apparently it's no longer politically correct to direct a joke at any racial or ethic minority, so...

An Englishman, a Scotsman, an Irishman, a Welshman, a Gurkha, a Latvian, a Turk, an Aussie, two Kiwis, a German, an American, a South African, a Cypriot, an Egyptian, a Japanese, a Mexican, a Spaniard, a Pole, a Lithuanian, a Swede, a Finn, a Dane, a Romani, a Bulgarian, a Swiss, a Greek, a Bulgarian, a Singaporean, a Norwegian, a Libyan, a Hindu, a Muslim, a Monk, an Italian, a Serb, a Russian and an Ethiopian went to a bar.

The bouncer said, "I'm sorry, you can't come in here without a Thai"

A North Irish girl lives with her grandmother...

and they find that they are running very low on money. The girl tells her grandma,

"I'm going to head off south to find work, I'll come back with money. I promise."

The girl is gone for many months, and when she returns home she has tons of money! The grandmother is overjoyed and says,

"How did you make all this money, child?"

The girl says in a hushed voice, "Well, I was a prostitute grandma."

The grandmother looked enraged, "What did you say?!"

"I was a prostitute, grandma! I'm sorry."

The grandmother calms down, "Oh thank God! I thought you said you were a protestant!"

The UN decided to do a worldwide survey...

The only question asked was: "Would you please give your honest opinion about solutions to the food shortage in the rest of the world?" The survey was a huge flop. In Africa they didn't know what "food" meant. In Eastern Europe, they didn't know what "honest" meant. In Western Europe, they didn't know what "shortage" meant. In China, they didn't know what "opinion" meant. In the Middle East, they didn't know what "solution" meant. In South America, they didn't know what "please" meant. And in the USA, they didn't know what "the rest of the world" meant.

Southwest

A mother and her very young son were flying Southwest Airlines from Kansas City to Chicago. The little boy (who had been looking out the window) turned to his mother and asked, "If big dogs have baby dogs, and big cats have baby cats, why don't big airplanes have baby airplanes?"

The mother (who couldn't think of an answer) told her son to ask the stewardess.

So the boy went down the aisle and asked the stewardess. The stewardess, who was very busy at the time, smiled and said, "Did your Mom tell you to ask me?"

The boy said, "yes she did."

"Well, then, you go and tell your mother that there are no baby airplanes because Southwest always pulls out on time. Have your Mom explain that to you."

TIL 50% of South Koreans have cataracts.

The other 50% drive Rincolns.

The wine taster

The wine taster at an old vineyard died. A homeless guy, looking ragged and dirty, came to apply. He persuaded the manager to give him a try. The guy was given a glass of wine. He swirled, smelled, sipped and spit. It's a red wine, Merlot, three years old, grown on the South Slope and matured in oak barrels." He said. "Impressive," said the manager.

The man is given another. "Still a red wine, Cabernet, eight years old, from the Northeast slope, stored in a steel vats.

The manager was amazed. He winked at his secretary. The secretary understood and brought out a glass of urine. The drunkard tasted it and said. "It's a blond, 27 years old, three months pregnant, and if I don't get this job, I'll tell who the father is!"

whats the diffrence between a tornado and a divorce in the south?

nothing. sombodys losing a trailer!

What do South Koreans call their spouses?

Seoulmates

Elon Musk was born in South Africa, and made an electric car. What if he had been born in Madagascar?

He would have made a gas car

Whats the difference between a tornado and a divorce in the south?

Nothing, because either way, someone is losing their trailer.

it seems Oscar Pistorious jokes still have legs..

Roses are red, Violets are glorious, Don't ever sneak up on Oscar Pistorius.

She didn't notice Oscar sneaking up behind her. It was the silence of the limbs.

Oscar Pistorius. Not the first South African with a race problem.

When Oscar Pistorius said he wanted to be just like able bodied athletes, who knew he meant OJ Simpson?

Absolutely shocking news from South Africa. White man arrested for murder.

Oscar Pistorius. Just because he has no legs doesn't mean he's unarmed.

Surely Oscar Pistorius cant be the first man to wake up legless on Valentines day and shoot all over the missus while imagining she's someone else!

I take it Oscar Pistorius's girlfriend bought him shoes for Valentines.

What do you call a room full of dead people? An Oscar Pistorius surprise birthday party... or... An Oscar Pistorius St Valentine's Day Massacre

Oscar Pistorius has an incredible record of wins to his name - Six gold medals, four silver medals and one argument.

A young woman is dead, the life of up‑and‑coming athlete, Oscar Pistorius, is ruined, and people are already making jokes about it. That's prosthetic... i mean pathetic.

I think it's safe to say that Oscar Pistorius won't be getting his leg over tonight.



Oscar Pistorious' lawyer is trying to claim mistaken identity
Personally I don`t think he has a leg to stand on


And the Oscar goes to ... Prison.

There's a poem contest in South Carolina.

It's down to two contestants...one Harvard grad and one old redneck from the Low Country. They each have 5 minutes to come up with a poem, but they have to use the word "Timbuktu" in the poem to win. The Harvard grad goes first.

"Swiftly cross the desert sands,
Strode a lonely caravan.
One by one on camels drew,
Destination: Timbuktu."

The crowd goes crazy, thinking there's no way the redneck can top that. He walks to the mic, spits out his wad of tabacco, ponders a second and says:

"Me and Tim a huntin' went.
Met three whores in a pop-up tent.
They was three and we was two,
So I bucked one and Timbuktu."

President of South Korea Impeached.

Hopefully the USA will follow suit, and have their president deoranged.

South Korea is famous for their R&B music.

They've really got Seoul.

Southwest Airlines

A mother and her son were flying Southwest Airlines from Oakland to Kansas City.

The son, who had been looking out the window, turned to his mother and said: "If big dogs have baby dogs and big cats have baby cats, why don't big planes have baby planes?

The mother, who couldn't think of an answer, told her son to ask the flight attendant.

So, the little boy asked the flight attendant: "If big dogs have baby dogs and big cats have baby cats, why don't big planes have baby planes?"

The flight attendant asked: "Did your mother tell you to ask me that?"

He said that she had.

With a clever grin, she said: "Tell your mother it's because Southwest Airlines always pulls out on time."

Why are South Koreans better dancers than North Koreans?

They've got Seoul.

Cop spots a guy driving past with a South American plate. He's eating some kind of Mexican food and has no clothes on! He pulls him over and asks, "Where are you from? What are you eating? Aren't you cold?"

"Chilly", he replies.

Kids from around the globe were asked to write an essay...

and the teacher asked, "Please write in your own opinion about the insufficient amount of food in other countries."

But none of the could write it.

The kid from South America didn't know what 'please' was.

The Asian kid didn't know what 'your own opinion' was.

The European kid didn't know what the word 'insufficient' meant.

The Kid from Africa didn't know what 'food' was.

And the kid from North America had absolutely no clue what the heck were 'other countries'.

I'll be so demoralised if North Korea decides to invade South Korea...

It'd be Seoul destroying

Another Southern Belle Joke:

Four southern belles were discussing their husbands one afternoon

1st Southern Belle: "Well, ah do declare, my husband is so good to me.
He brings me diamonds near' every day of the week. I got a diamond
ring for every finger."

2SB: "My My My"

3SB: "You know, my husbands is the same way. He brings me fur coats
all the time. I got a whole closet full of fur coats."

2SB: "My My My"

4SB: "Mine too. He takes me on cruises and trips. I've been nearly
everywhere on this whole blessed earth."

2SB: "My My My"

(Nervous pause)

1SB to 2SB: "How does your husband treat you?"

2SB: "Oh, my husband is good to me too. He sent me off to finishin' school."

(Nervous pause)

3SB to 2SB: "Finishin' school? What good is goin' to finishin' school?"

2SB: "Well, I used to say 'Fuck you, bitch', now I just say 'My My My.'"

From a Southwest Airlines employee

"Welcome aboard Southwest Flight XXX to Chicago. To operate your seatbelt, insert the metal tab into the buckle, and pull tight. It works just like every other seatbelt and if you don't know how to operate one, you probably shouldn't be out in public unsupervised. In the event of a sudden loss of cabin pressure, oxygen masks will descend from the ceiling. Stop screaming, grab the mask, and pull it over your face. If you have a small child traveling with you, secure your mask before assisting with theirs. If you are traveling with two small children, decide now which one you love more."

Southern Gas Station Promotion

A gas station owner near Camden , Alabama was trying to increase his sales. So he put up a sign that read, Free Sex with Fill-Up."

Soon a local redneck pulled in, filled his tank and asked for his free sex. The owner told him to pick a number from 1 to 10. If he guessed correctly, he would get his free sex. The redneck guessed 8, and the proprietor said, "You were close! The number was 7. Sorry; no sex this time."

A week later, the same redneck, along with his brother, Bubba, pulled in for another fill-up. Again he asked for his free sex. The proprietor again gave him the same story, and asked him to guess the correct number. The redneck guessed 2 this time. The proprietor said, "Sorry, it was 3. You were close, but NO free sex this time."

As they were driving away, the redneck said to his brother, "I think that game is RIGGED, and he doesn't really give away FREE Sex." Bubba replied, "No it ain't, Billy Ray. It ain't rigged. My WIFE won twice last week."

Did you know that 90% of all dog in South Korea are inbred?

Most commonly it's whole wheat or rye

Did you hear about the failed mission to Antarctica?

Their journey went south.

What do you call a gay man from the deep South

a Homo-sex-y'all

Two men were out camping in the mountains...

They had spent four days together and they were getting a little testy. One morning, the first friend says, "You know, we're starting to get on each other's nerves. Why don't we split up today. I'll hike north and spend the day looking around, you hike south. Then tonight we'll have dinner and share our experiences over the campfire." The second friend agrees and hikes south.

That night over dinner, the first man tells his story. "Today I hiked into a beautiful valley. I followed a stream up into a canyon and ate lunch. Then I swam in a crystal clear mountain lake. As I sat out and dried, I watched deer come and drink from the stream. The wildflowers were filled with butterflies and hawks floated all day overhead. How was your day?"

The second friend says, "I went south and found a set of railroad tracks. I followed them until I came across a young woman tied to the tracks. I cut the ropes off, gently lifted her off the tracks, and we made love in every imaginable way all afternoon. Finally, when I was so tired I could barely move, I came back to camp."

"Wow!!" the first guy exclaimed, "Your day was much better than mine. Was she pretty?" "I don't know," says the second friend eating his meal, "I couldn't find her head."

What's the difference between a tornado and a divorce in the South?

Nothing, someone's losing the trailer.
-Robin Williams

North Korea has finished nuking the South, and there was one man left alive.

He was the Seoul survivor.

What do Southerners have in common with peanut butter?

They are both usually in bread.

Which city is the South African Superman from?

Cape Town

The Lone Ranger and Tonto are on a ridge

And the lone ranger says: "Tonto! There's Indians to the North! And Indians to the West, Indians to the East and Indians to the South! What are we going to do?"

And Tonto goes: "What do you mean we, white man?"

What's the difference between your mom and an alpaca?

One's a hairy beast that spits and the other's native to South America.

Two seismologists have divided California into North and South to be monitored for earthquakes. A deadly magnitude 9 happens right in the middle

The North seismologist says: "why didn't you see the earthquake coming?!"

The South seismologist says: "It's not my Fault!"

What does a southern belle playing Magic the Gathering say when her opponent disrupts her mana production?

My lands!

What does a tornado and a divorce in the south have in common?

Somebody is losing a trailer

What did the goose say when he found out about flying south?

Wanna hear migrate idea?

How to make South jokes?

We have collected gags and puns about South to have fun with. Do you want to stand out in a crowd with a good sense of humour joking about South? If Yes here are a lot more hilarious lines and funny South pick up lines to share with friends.

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