south Jokes

funny jokes and hilarious south stories

What are the best South puns and pranks?

Did you ever wanted to prank someone about South? Well here is a complete list of South dad jokes:

Call me a racist if you want, but south of the border is a sea of violence, corruption and stupidity I wouldn't touch with a ten foot pole.

I just thank my lucky stars I live in Canada.

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Dirty limericks? GO! [NSFW]

There once was a girl named Alice

Who used dynamite as a phallus

They found her vagina in South Carolina

And bits of her tits in Dallas

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You guys know how the toothbrush was invented in the south?

Because if it was invented in the north, it would've been called a teethbrush.

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A Brit, American and South African Joke

After having dug to a depth of 10 feet last year, British scientists found traces of copper wire dating back 200 years
They came to the conclusion that their ancestors already had a telephone network more than 150 years ago.
Not to be outdone by the Brit's, in the weeks that followed, an American archaeologist dug to a depth of 20 feet, and shortly after, a story published in the New York bulletin: American archaeologists, finding traces of 250-year-old copper wire, have concluded that their ancestors already had an advanced high-tech communications network 50 years earlier than the British
One week later, the Cape bulletin, in South Africa , reported the following: After digging as deep as 30 feet in his backyard in Thabazimbi , South Africa , Lucky Simelane, a self-taught archaeologist, reported that he found absolutely nothing (azikolo, fokol (f*** all). Lucky has therefore concluded that 250 years ago, Africa had already gone wireless.

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I like my coffee how I like my women

Imported from poor South American countries.

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Southern University Psychology Joke

At a southern university, students in the psychology program were attending their first class on emotional extremes. Just to establish some parameters, said the professor to the student from Arkansas, what is the opposite of joy? Sadness, said the student. And the opposite of depression? he asked of the young lady from Oklahoma. Elation, she said. And you sir, he said to the young man from Texas, what about the opposite of woe? The Texan replied, Sir, I believe that would be 'giddy up' .

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Obama goes on vacation to South Carolina and goes for an ocean swim...

And begins to drown! A young lifeguard swims out and rescues him, pulling him back to shore.

"Thank you so much for saving me young lady. Please, tell me what I can do to repay you."

"Aw shucks, I don't need nuthin', sir, it's just ma job!" She says.

"Listen, I'm the President of the United States, I can give you anything you want!"

She thinks for a moment and says "Well, I'd mighty like a plot at the Arlington National Cemetery if ya can do that fer me."

"Why does a young woman like you want a burial plot at the cemetery?"

"Because" she said, "When my friends and family find out what I just did they'll kill me!"

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A southern girl and a northern girl meet.

A girl from the South and a girl from the North were seated side by side on a plane. The girl from the South, being friendly and all, said, "So, where ya'll from?"

The Northern girl said, "From a place where they know better than to use
a preposition at the end of a sentence."

The girl from the South sat quietly for a few moments and then replied, "So, where ya'll from, bitch?"

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Why don't southern women have group sex?

Too many thank-you notes.

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As migration approached, two elderly vultures

As migration approached, two elderly vultures doubted they could make the trip south, so they decided to go by airplane.

When they checked their baggage, the attendant noticed that they were carrying two dead raccoons. "Do you wish to check the raccoons through as luggage?" she asked.

"No, thanks," replied the vultures. "They're carrion."

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Morals from a Pile of Shit

Once upon a time, there was a stubborn sparrow who decided not to fly south for the winter. However, soon the weather turned so cold that he reluctantly started to fly south.

In a short time ice began to form on his wings. He tried to fly quicker to warmer air, but his wings kept freezing until he finally fell to the earth in a small barnyard. Almost frozen, unaware of where he was, a cow passed by and crapped on the little sparrow. The sparrow thought it was surely the end.

But, the manure began to warm him. Soon, his wings were completely defrosted. Warm and happy, able to breathe and able to move again, he started to sing out loud in joy. Just then, a large cat came by to investigate where these familiar sounds were coming from. Soon enough, the cat cleared away the manure, found the chirping bird and ate him.

~The Morals to this story?

*Everyone who shits on you is not necessarily your enemy.

*Everyone who gets you out of the shit is not necessarily your friend.

*And the most important thing? Well, if you're warm and happy in your nice steaming pile of shit, keep your fucking mouth shut!!!

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Missing South Africa

In Toronto I saw a bumper sticker on a parked car that read:
"I miss South Africa."

So I broke the window, took the radio and left a note that read:
"I hope this helps."

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Why is the South the best place to hide in case of zombie takeover?

Southerner zombies don't have any teeth to bite with.

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South American Stamps

So a lady goes to see her gyno because she's having a personal health issue. The doctor enters.
"Ma'am, what seems to be the problem?"
"It's been two weeks, doc..I keep finding stamps up my vagina!"
"...stamps?.."
"Yeah! From Costa Rica! Sometimes even Ecuador! I've never even been outside the country!"
"Well, you best get in the stirrups so I can see what the issue is."
Lady puts her feet in the stirrups. The doctor has a look.
"Ah, ma'am, you'll have to remember to WASH the bananas!"

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So why don't Southern Belles attend orgies any more?

Too many thank-you notes to write

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A group of Hells Angels bikers were riding South on I-85 in North Carolina country when they saw a girl about to jump off the Catawba River Bridge.

They stopped.

George, the top biker was a big burly man of 53, gets off his Harley, walks through a group of gawkers, past the State Troopers and he says, "Hey Baby, whatcha doin' up there on that there railin'?"

She says "I'm going to commit suicide!"

George says "Well, before you jump, Honey-Babe, how about you give ol' George here your best goodbye kiss?"

Without hesitation, she leaned back over the rail and did just that. And it was a long, deep, lingering kiss plus a few more real wet ones. George gets cheers of approval from his biker-buddies, onlookers, and even the State Troopers.

"Wow! That was the best kiss I have ever had, Honey! That's a real talent you got there, Sugar Shorts. You could be famous if you rode with me.
Why the hell are you committing suicide?"

"My parents don't like me dressing up like a girl."

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How many South Americans does it take to screw in a light bulb?

A Brazilian.

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Boudreaux goes to Hell

So one day, Boudreaux gets into a boating accident and dies. Unfortunately, St. Peter sends him to hell.

Later on, the devil's making his rounds and sees Boudreaux, just sitting on a rock, smiling like an idiot. The devil goes up to him and says, "Hey, why the heck are you smiling? You're in Hell."

"Well, it's just like a day in da south in June." Boudreaux replied.

The devil, obviously mad that someone was smiling in Hell, told Boudreaux to wait right there. He went to office and turned the thermostat up. When he returned, he found Boudreaux, still smiling like an idiot. The devil went up to him and asked, "How the hell can you still be smiling!? It's even hotter than it was before!"

Boudreaux said, "Mais, it's just like a day in August now."

The devil, now furious, went to his office and kicked his thermostat, breaking it and causing Hell to become ice cold. He returns to Boudreaux, yet, lo and behold, he's still sitting there and smiling like an idiot. The devil yells,
"HOW THE FUCK ARE YOU STILL SMILING!? HELL HAS JUST FROZEN OVER!"

While shivering, Boudreaux simply said, "Mais, the S-S-Saints musta won the S-S-Super Bowl."

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So George Bush is in his office...

His adviser comes in tells him, "Mr. President I'm afraid I have some bad news. There was an explosion at our embassy in South America, two Americans were killed as well as three Brazilian citizens."
Bush looks at him and says, "Oh my God... How many is a brazilian?"

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I'm from the southern US, is it OK to poke fun at myself?

Why don't schools in the south teach Driver's Ed and Sex Ed on same day?

Too hard on the mule.

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Keep Your Mouth Shut!!

A little bird was flying south for the winter. It was so cold; the bird froze up and fell to the ground in a large field. While it was lying there, a cow came by and dropped some dung on it. As the frozen bird lay there in the pile of cow dung, it began to realize how warm it was. The dung was actually thawing him out! He lay there all warm and happy, and soon began to sing for joy.

A passing cat heard the bird singing and came to investigate. Following the sound, the cat discovered the bird under the pile of cow dung, and promptly dug him out and ate him!

The morals of this story are:

Not everyone who drops shit on you is your enemy.
Not everyone who gets you out of shit is your friend.
And when you're in deep shit, keep your mouth shut!

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Lazy vultures

Two lazy vultures had procrastinated on flying south for the winter until the first frost hit, then they got worried. "We better catch an airplane to Mexico, lets go to the airport!" So they take off down the road, and as luck would have it, they come across two dead road-killed opossums, that had started to get nice and smelly, just like vultures like them. "What luck, we better take these with us, I heard the airlines don't offer meals on the flight anymore." So they each grab a dead opossum, tuck it under their wing, and head on to the terminal. They walk up to the ticket counter and tell they lady "We'd like two tickets to Cancun, please."

"Very well," she says, "Will you be checking any bags?"

"No," say the vultures, holding up the dead opossum carcasses, "we only have carrion."

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Why is it always a full tide in South Africa?

Because they made a part tide illegal.

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How many South Americans does it take to change a light bulb?

A Brazillian

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whats the diffrence between a tornado and a divorce in the south?

nothing. sombodys losing a trailer!

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Whats the difference between a tornado and a divorce in the south?

Nothing, because either way, someone is losing their trailer.

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Sad but true.

Worldwide survey was conducted by the UN. The only question asked was:
"Would you please give your honest opinion about solutions to the food shortage in the rest of the world?"

The survey was a huge failure,
In Africa they didn't know what 'food' meant,

In India they didn't know what 'honest' meant,

In Europe they didn't know what 'shortage' meant,

In China they didn't know what 'opinion' meant,

In the Middle East they didn't know what 'solution' meant,

In South America they didn't know what 'please' meant,

And in the USA they didn't know what 'the rest of the world' meant!

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Why are South Koreans better dancers than North Koreans?

They've got Seoul.

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Another Southern Belle Joke:

Four southern belles were discussing their husbands one afternoon

1st Southern Belle: "Well, ah do declare, my husband is so good to me.
He brings me diamonds near' every day of the week. I got a diamond
ring for every finger."

2SB: "My My My"

3SB: "You know, my husbands is the same way. He brings me fur coats
all the time. I got a whole closet full of fur coats."

2SB: "My My My"

4SB: "Mine too. He takes me on cruises and trips. I've been nearly
everywhere on this whole blessed earth."

2SB: "My My My"

(Nervous pause)

1SB to 2SB: "How does your husband treat you?"

2SB: "Oh, my husband is good to me too. He sent me off to finishin' school."

(Nervous pause)

3SB to 2SB: "Finishin' school? What good is goin' to finishin' school?"

2SB: "Well, I used to say 'Fuck you, bitch', now I just say 'My My My.'"

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Did you know that 90% of all dog in South Korea are inbred?

Most commonly it's whole wheat or rye

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What do you call a gay man from the deep South

a Homo-sex-y'all

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A southern belle and a snobby New Yorker meet on a plane...

The southern belle says, "So, where are you from?"
The New Yorker replies, "Where am I *from*? I'm from a place where we don't end our sentences with a preposition."
The southern belle thinks about this for a moment. Then, she says, "So, where are you from, bitch?"

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What's the difference between a tornado and a divorce in the South?

Nothing, someone's losing the trailer.
-Robin Williams

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Three nuns went to a baseball game

Three nuns went to a baseball game. Over the course of the baseball game, the nuns became increasingly rowdy. So, three men behind them began to have a loud discussion.

"I think i'll move to Idaho, I hear that there are only 20 nuns there," said the first man.

"20 nuns? I'm going to move to South Dakota. I hear that there are only 10 nuns there," said the second man.

Just before the third man could speak, one of the nuns turned around and said, "You should go to hell, I hear that there are no nuns there."

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What's the difference between your mom and an alpaca?

One's a hairy beast that spits and the other's native to South America.

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What does the south call friends with benefits?

Cousins.....

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When the Saxons landed in England...

...they decided to split up into five groups to cover as much ground as possible.

One group headed West and Wessex was born.

A particularly lazy bunch decided to stay exactly at the meeting point and incorporate Middlesex.

Another went South to form Sussex, which is still exactly where they made it, while yet another formed Essex to the East.

Oh, nearly forgot about the very conservative pack who went North. Nobody heard from them again

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What do North Koreans lack that South Koreans do not?

North Koreans have no Seoul.

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It's a common misconception that black slaves in the South were uneducated

They all had their masters

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I like my women like I like my whiskey...

Light brown, from the south, and kept in a lightless cabinet only to be taken out on special occasions.

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Whats the difference between a South African tourist and a racist?

About a week or so

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How many Southerners does it take to change a lightbulb?

Change? Whatever do you mean, *change*?

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Being from the South, my mother was all about hospitality! Cooking, cleaning, dishes, laundry and even foot rubs!

She made me do it all.

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How many people live in South America?

A Brazilian.

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An EMT was called to a scene in the ghetto

This is actually a true story.

My friend who was an EMT working in South Los Angeles was called to a Domestic Violence scene in Compton. Upon arriving on the scene, a man was sitting on the front porch holding the back of his head where blood was spilling out.

"Are you okay? What happened here?"

"I was tryin' to get some stank on my hang low and the bitch hit me over the head with a smoothie!!"

"Whoa! Calm down! I can't understand you sir. What exactly happened??"

"I told you. I was tryin' to get some stank on my hang low and the bitch hit me with a smoothie."

"What does that mean? Stank on my hang low?"

"Yeah man. My dick sucked."

"Okay. But the hell is a smoothie?"

"A smoothie. You know, that thing that makes your clothes flat."

My friend couldn't help but bust out laughing.

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How many South Americans does it take to change a lightbulb?

A Brazillion.

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What's the difference between an alpaca and your Mom?

One is a hairy beast that spits, the other is native to South America.

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What's the difference between a divorce and a tornado in the south?

Nothing. Either way someone is going to lose a trailer

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What's the difference between a tornado and a divorce in the south?

Nothing. Someone's losing a trailer either way.

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The US Navy

Transcript of a US naval ship with Canadian authorities off the coast of Newfoundland in October, 1995. This radio conversation was released by the Chief of Naval Operations on 10-10-95.

Americans: "Please divert your course 15 degrees to the North to avoid a collision."

Canadians: "Recommend you divert YOUR course 15 degrees to the South to avoid a collision."

Americans: "This is the captain of a US Navy ship. I say again, divert YOUR course."

Canadians: "No, I say again, you divert YOUR course."

Americans: "THIS IS THE AIRCRAFT CARRIER USS ABRAHAM LINCOLN, THE SECOND LARGEST SHIP IN THE UNITED STATES' ATLANTIC FLEET. WE ARE ACCOMPANIED BY THREE DESTROYERS, THREE CRUISERS AND NUMEROUS SUPPORT VESSELS. I DEMAND THAT YOU CHANGE YOUR COURSE 15 DEGREES NORTH. THAT'S ONE-FIVE DEGREES NORTH, OR COUNTER MEASURES WILL BE UNDERTAKEN TO ENSURE THE SAFETY OF THIS SHIP."

Canadians: "This is a lighthouse. Your call."

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CONCLUSION

You've red some of the best south jokes of all time. We hope you had fun with this collection of 50 puns about south. Most of the stories are suitable for kids with good sense of humor, children or teens boys and girls, of course dads. You must supervise your chidlren not to read pranks for adults. Note that some jokes are disgusting, filled with black humor so don't tell dirty south gags to your kids. So please respect and be a good joking daddy !

How do I make my girlfriend or boyfriend laugh? How do you make someone laugh? Well, this list of funny stories will make you cry in laughter just like dad jokes. Some of these south jokes are funny and some are hilarious. With this collection it's easy to be a joker. Have fun and dig deeper into our archive.

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