Did you ever wanted to prank someone about South? Well here is a complete list of South dad jokes:
I just thank my lucky stars I live in Canada.
There once was a girl named Alice
Who used dynamite as a phallus
They found her vagina in South Carolina
And bits of her tits in Dallas
Because if it was invented in the north, it would've been called a teethbrush.
After having dug to a depth of 10 feet last year, British scientists found traces of copper wire dating back 200 years
They came to the conclusion that their ancestors already had a telephone network more than 150 years ago.
Not to be outdone by the Brit's, in the weeks that followed, an American archaeologist dug to a depth of 20 feet, and shortly after, a story published in the New York bulletin: American archaeologists, finding traces of 250-year-old copper wire, have concluded that their ancestors already had an advanced high-tech communications network 50 years earlier than the British
One week later, the Cape bulletin, in South Africa , reported the following: After digging as deep as 30 feet in his backyard in Thabazimbi , South Africa , Lucky Simelane, a self-taught archaeologist, reported that he found absolutely nothing (azikolo, fokol (f*** all). Lucky has therefore concluded that 250 years ago, Africa had already gone wireless.
Imported from poor South American countries.
At a southern university, students in the psychology program were attending their first class on emotional extremes. Just to establish some parameters, said the professor to the student from Arkansas, what is the opposite of joy? Sadness, said the student. And the opposite of depression? he asked of the young lady from Oklahoma. Elation, she said. And you sir, he said to the young man from Texas, what about the opposite of woe? The Texan replied, Sir, I believe that would be 'giddy up' .
And begins to drown! A young lifeguard swims out and rescues him, pulling him back to shore.
"Thank you so much for saving me young lady. Please, tell me what I can do to repay you."
"Aw shucks, I don't need nuthin', sir, it's just ma job!" She says.
"Listen, I'm the President of the United States, I can give you anything you want!"
She thinks for a moment and says "Well, I'd mighty like a plot at the Arlington National Cemetery if ya can do that fer me."
"Why does a young woman like you want a burial plot at the cemetery?"
"Because" she said, "When my friends and family find out what I just did they'll kill me!"
A girl from the South and a girl from the North were seated side by side on a plane. The girl from the South, being friendly and all, said, "So, where ya'll from?"
The Northern girl said, "From a place where they know better than to use
a preposition at the end of a sentence."
The girl from the South sat quietly for a few moments and then replied, "So, where ya'll from, bitch?"
Too many thank-you notes.
As migration approached, two elderly vultures doubted they could make the trip south, so they decided to go by airplane.
When they checked their baggage, the attendant noticed that they were carrying two dead raccoons. "Do you wish to check the raccoons through as luggage?" she asked.
"No, thanks," replied the vultures. "They're carrion."
Once upon a time, there was a stubborn sparrow who decided not to fly south for the winter. However, soon the weather turned so cold that he reluctantly started to fly south.
In a short time ice began to form on his wings. He tried to fly quicker to warmer air, but his wings kept freezing until he finally fell to the earth in a small barnyard. Almost frozen, unaware of where he was, a cow passed by and crapped on the little sparrow. The sparrow thought it was surely the end.
But, the manure began to warm him. Soon, his wings were completely defrosted. Warm and happy, able to breathe and able to move again, he started to sing out loud in joy. Just then, a large cat came by to investigate where these familiar sounds were coming from. Soon enough, the cat cleared away the manure, found the chirping bird and ate him.
~The Morals to this story?
*Everyone who shits on you is not necessarily your enemy.
*Everyone who gets you out of the shit is not necessarily your friend.
*And the most important thing? Well, if you're warm and happy in your nice steaming pile of shit, keep your fucking mouth shut!!!
In Toronto I saw a bumper sticker on a parked car that read:
"I miss South Africa."
So I broke the window, took the radio and left a note that read:
"I hope this helps."
Southerner zombies don't have any teeth to bite with.
So a lady goes to see her gyno because she's having a personal health issue. The doctor enters.
"Ma'am, what seems to be the problem?"
"It's been two weeks, doc..I keep finding stamps up my vagina!"
"...stamps?.."
"Yeah! From Costa Rica! Sometimes even Ecuador! I've never even been outside the country!"
"Well, you best get in the stirrups so I can see what the issue is."
Lady puts her feet in the stirrups. The doctor has a look.
"Ah, ma'am, you'll have to remember to WASH the bananas!"
Too many thank-you notes to write
They stopped.
George, the top biker was a big burly man of 53, gets off his Harley, walks through a group of gawkers, past the State Troopers and he says, "Hey Baby, whatcha doin' up there on that there railin'?"
She says "I'm going to commit suicide!"
George says "Well, before you jump, Honey-Babe, how about you give ol' George here your best goodbye kiss?"
Without hesitation, she leaned back over the rail and did just that. And it was a long, deep, lingering kiss plus a few more real wet ones. George gets cheers of approval from his biker-buddies, onlookers, and even the State Troopers.
"Wow! That was the best kiss I have ever had, Honey! That's a real talent you got there, Sugar Shorts. You could be famous if you rode with me.
Why the hell are you committing suicide?"
"My parents don't like me dressing up like a girl."
A Brazilian.
So one day, Boudreaux gets into a boating accident and dies. Unfortunately, St. Peter sends him to hell.
Later on, the devil's making his rounds and sees Boudreaux, just sitting on a rock, smiling like an idiot. The devil goes up to him and says, "Hey, why the heck are you smiling? You're in Hell."
"Well, it's just like a day in da south in June." Boudreaux replied.
The devil, obviously mad that someone was smiling in Hell, told Boudreaux to wait right there. He went to office and turned the thermostat up. When he returned, he found Boudreaux, still smiling like an idiot. The devil went up to him and asked, "How the hell can you still be smiling!? It's even hotter than it was before!"
Boudreaux said, "Mais, it's just like a day in August now."
The devil, now furious, went to his office and kicked his thermostat, breaking it and causing Hell to become ice cold. He returns to Boudreaux, yet, lo and behold, he's still sitting there and smiling like an idiot. The devil yells,
"HOW THE FUCK ARE YOU STILL SMILING!? HELL HAS JUST FROZEN OVER!"
While shivering, Boudreaux simply said, "Mais, the S-S-Saints musta won the S-S-Super Bowl."
His adviser comes in tells him, "Mr. President I'm afraid I have some bad news. There was an explosion at our embassy in South America, two Americans were killed as well as three Brazilian citizens."
Bush looks at him and says, "Oh my God... How many is a brazilian?"
Why don't schools in the south teach Driver's Ed and Sex Ed on same day?
Too hard on the mule.
A little bird was flying south for the winter. It was so cold; the bird froze up and fell to the ground in a large field. While it was lying there, a cow came by and dropped some dung on it. As the frozen bird lay there in the pile of cow dung, it began to realize how warm it was. The dung was actually thawing him out! He lay there all warm and happy, and soon began to sing for joy.
A passing cat heard the bird singing and came to investigate. Following the sound, the cat discovered the bird under the pile of cow dung, and promptly dug him out and ate him!
The morals of this story are:
Not everyone who drops shit on you is your enemy.
Not everyone who gets you out of shit is your friend.
And when you're in deep shit, keep your mouth shut!
Two lazy vultures had procrastinated on flying south for the winter until the first frost hit, then they got worried. "We better catch an airplane to Mexico, lets go to the airport!" So they take off down the road, and as luck would have it, they come across two dead road-killed opossums, that had started to get nice and smelly, just like vultures like them. "What luck, we better take these with us, I heard the airlines don't offer meals on the flight anymore." So they each grab a dead opossum, tuck it under their wing, and head on to the terminal. They walk up to the ticket counter and tell they lady "We'd like two tickets to Cancun, please."
"Very well," she says, "Will you be checking any bags?"
"No," say the vultures, holding up the dead opossum carcasses, "we only have carrion."
Because they made a part tide illegal.
A Brazillian
nothing. sombodys losing a trailer!
Nothing, because either way, someone is losing their trailer.
Worldwide survey was conducted by the UN. The only question asked was:
"Would you please give your honest opinion about solutions to the food shortage in the rest of the world?"
The survey was a huge failure,
In Africa they didn't know what 'food' meant,
In India they didn't know what 'honest' meant,
In Europe they didn't know what 'shortage' meant,
In China they didn't know what 'opinion' meant,
In the Middle East they didn't know what 'solution' meant,
In South America they didn't know what 'please' meant,
And in the USA they didn't know what 'the rest of the world' meant!
They've got Seoul.
Four southern belles were discussing their husbands one afternoon
1st Southern Belle: "Well, ah do declare, my husband is so good to me.
He brings me diamonds near' every day of the week. I got a diamond
ring for every finger."
2SB: "My My My"
3SB: "You know, my husbands is the same way. He brings me fur coats
all the time. I got a whole closet full of fur coats."
2SB: "My My My"
4SB: "Mine too. He takes me on cruises and trips. I've been nearly
everywhere on this whole blessed earth."
2SB: "My My My"
(Nervous pause)
1SB to 2SB: "How does your husband treat you?"
2SB: "Oh, my husband is good to me too. He sent me off to finishin' school."
(Nervous pause)
3SB to 2SB: "Finishin' school? What good is goin' to finishin' school?"
2SB: "Well, I used to say 'Fuck you, bitch', now I just say 'My My My.'"
Most commonly it's whole wheat or rye
a Homo-sex-y'all
The southern belle says, "So, where are you from?"
The New Yorker replies, "Where am I *from*? I'm from a place where we don't end our sentences with a preposition."
The southern belle thinks about this for a moment. Then, she says, "So, where are you from, bitch?"
Nothing, someone's losing the trailer.
-Robin Williams
Three nuns went to a baseball game. Over the course of the baseball game, the nuns became increasingly rowdy. So, three men behind them began to have a loud discussion.
"I think i'll move to Idaho, I hear that there are only 20 nuns there," said the first man.
"20 nuns? I'm going to move to South Dakota. I hear that there are only 10 nuns there," said the second man.
Just before the third man could speak, one of the nuns turned around and said, "You should go to hell, I hear that there are no nuns there."
One's a hairy beast that spits and the other's native to South America.
Cousins.....
...they decided to split up into five groups to cover as much ground as possible.
One group headed West and Wessex was born.
A particularly lazy bunch decided to stay exactly at the meeting point and incorporate Middlesex.
Another went South to form Sussex, which is still exactly where they made it, while yet another formed Essex to the East.
Oh, nearly forgot about the very conservative pack who went North. Nobody heard from them again
North Koreans have no Seoul.
They all had their masters
Light brown, from the south, and kept in a lightless cabinet only to be taken out on special occasions.
About a week or so
Change? Whatever do you mean, *change*?
She made me do it all.
A Brazilian.
This is actually a true story.
My friend who was an EMT working in South Los Angeles was called to a Domestic Violence scene in Compton. Upon arriving on the scene, a man was sitting on the front porch holding the back of his head where blood was spilling out.
"Are you okay? What happened here?"
"I was tryin' to get some stank on my hang low and the bitch hit me over the head with a smoothie!!"
"Whoa! Calm down! I can't understand you sir. What exactly happened??"
"I told you. I was tryin' to get some stank on my hang low and the bitch hit me with a smoothie."
"What does that mean? Stank on my hang low?"
"Yeah man. My dick sucked."
"Okay. But the hell is a smoothie?"
"A smoothie. You know, that thing that makes your clothes flat."
My friend couldn't help but bust out laughing.
A Brazillion.
One is a hairy beast that spits, the other is native to South America.
Nothing. Either way someone is going to lose a trailer
Nothing. Someone's losing a trailer either way.
Transcript of a US naval ship with Canadian authorities off the coast of Newfoundland in October, 1995. This radio conversation was released by the Chief of Naval Operations on 10-10-95.
Americans: "Please divert your course 15 degrees to the North to avoid a collision."
Canadians: "Recommend you divert YOUR course 15 degrees to the South to avoid a collision."
Americans: "This is the captain of a US Navy ship. I say again, divert YOUR course."
Canadians: "No, I say again, you divert YOUR course."
Americans: "THIS IS THE AIRCRAFT CARRIER USS ABRAHAM LINCOLN, THE SECOND LARGEST SHIP IN THE UNITED STATES' ATLANTIC FLEET. WE ARE ACCOMPANIED BY THREE DESTROYERS, THREE CRUISERS AND NUMEROUS SUPPORT VESSELS. I DEMAND THAT YOU CHANGE YOUR COURSE 15 DEGREES NORTH. THAT'S ONE-FIVE DEGREES NORTH, OR COUNTER MEASURES WILL BE UNDERTAKEN TO ENSURE THE SAFETY OF THIS SHIP."
Canadians: "This is a lighthouse. Your call."
You've red some of the best south jokes of all time. We hope you had fun with this collection of 50 puns about south. Most of the stories are suitable for kids with good sense of humor, children or teens boys and girls, of course dads. You must supervise your chidlren not to read pranks for adults. Note that some jokes are disgusting, filled with black humor so don't tell dirty south gags to your kids. So please respect and be a good joking daddy !
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