I just thank my lucky stars I live in Canada.
The only question asked was: "Would you please give your honest opinion about solutions to the food shortage in the rest of the world?"
The survey was a huge failure...
In Africa they didn't know what "food" meant.
In Eastern Europe they didn't know what "honest" meant.
In Western Europe they didn't know what "shortage" meant.
In China they didn't know what "opinion" meant.
In the Middle East they didn't know what "solution" meant.
In South America they didn't know what "please" meant.
And in the USA they didn't know what "the rest of the world" meant.
The only question asked was: "Would you please give your honest opinion about solutions to the food shortage in the rest of the world?" The survey was a huge flop. In Africa they didn't know what "food" meant. In Eastern Europe, they didn't know what "honest" meant. In Western Europe, they didn't know what "shortage" meant. In China, they didn't know what "opinion" meant. In the Middle East, they didn't know what "solution" meant. In South America, they didn't know what "please" meant. And in the USA, they didn't know what "the rest of the world" meant.
There once was a girl named Alice
Who used dynamite as a phallus
They found her vagina in South Carolina
And bits of her tits in Dallas
Because if it was invented in the north, it would've been called a teethbrush.
Attention class I have two words: Cheetah, and dandelion. Can anybody use these together in a sentence?
One student raises their hand,
The cheetah is faster dandelion.
After having dug to a depth of 10 feet last year, British scientists found traces of copper wire dating back 200 years
They came to the conclusion that their ancestors already had a telephone network more than 150 years ago.
Not to be outdone by the Brit's, in the weeks that followed, an American archaeologist dug to a depth of 20 feet, and shortly after, a story published in the New York bulletin: American archaeologists, finding traces of 250-year-old copper wire, have concluded that their ancestors already had an advanced high-tech communications network 50 years earlier than the British
One week later, the Cape bulletin, in South Africa , reported the following: After digging as deep as 30 feet in his backyard in Thabazimbi , South Africa , Lucky Simelane, a self-taught archaeologist, reported that he found absolutely nothing (azikolo, fokol (f*** all). Lucky has therefore concluded that 250 years ago, Africa had already gone wireless.
Because they don't like integration.
The wine taster at an old vineyard died. A homeless guy, looking ragged and dirty, came to apply. He persuaded the manager to give him a try. The guy was given a glass of wine. He swirled, smelled, sipped and spit. It's a red wine, Merlot, three years old, grown on the South Slope and matured in oak barrels." He said. "Impressive," said the manager.
The man is given another. "Still a red wine, Cabernet, eight years old, from the Northeast slope, stored in a steel vats.
The manager was amazed. He winked at his secretary. The secretary understood and brought out a glass of urine. The drunkard tasted it and said. "It's a blond, 27 years old, three months pregnant, and if I don't get this job, I'll tell who the father is!"
Reverse cowgirl, you never turn your back on family.
...General Lee speaking
Because all of their athletes that can run jump or swim are in south korea
'Have you ever done anything of particular merit?' St. Peter asked.
>
> 'Well, I can think of one thing,' the cowboy offered.
>
> 'On a trip to the Black Hills out in South Dakota , I came
> upon a gang of bikers who were threatening a young woman.
> I directed them to leave her alone, but they wouldn't listen.
>
> So, I approached the largest and most tattooed biker and
> smacked him in the face, kicked his bike over, ripped out
> his nose ring, and threw it on the ground. I yelled, 'Now,
> back off or I'll kick the shit out of all of you!
>
> St. Peter was impressed, 'When did this happen?'
>
> 'Couple of minutes ago.'
The only question asked was: "Would you please give your honest opinion about solutions to the food shortage in the rest of the world?"
The survey was a huge failure...
In Africa they didn't know what "food" meant.
In Eastern Europe they didn't know what "honest" meant.
In Western Europe they didn't know what "shortage" meant.
In China they didn't know what "opinion" meant.
In the Middle East they didn't know what "solution" meant.
In South America they didn't know what "please" meant.
And in the USA they didn't know what "the rest of the world" meant.
they're alright when they are by themselves, but get 3 of 'em together and it gets pretty racist
A little bird was flying south for the Winter. It was so cold the bird froze and fell to the ground into a large field. While he was lying there, a cow came by and shit on him.
As the frozen bird lay there in the pile of cow dung, he began to realize how warm he was. The dung was actually thawing him out! He lay there all warm and happy, and soon began to sing for joy.
A passing cat heard the bird singing and came to investigate. Following the sound, the cat discovered the bird under the pile of cow dung, and promptly dug him out and ate him.
Morals of the story:
(1) Not everyone who shits on you is your enemy.
(2) Not everyone who gets you out of shit is your friend.
(3) And when you're in deep shit, it's best to keep your mouth shut!
I mean, they're all Chinese.
An Englishman, a Scotsman, an Irishman, a Welshman, a Gurkha, a Latvian, a Turk, an Aussie, two Kiwis, a German, an American, a South African, a Cypriot, an Egyptian, a Japanese, a Mexican, a Spaniard, a Pole, a Lithuanian, a Swede, a Finn, a Dane, a Romani, a Bulgarian, a Swiss, a Greek, a Bulgarian, a Singaporean, a Norwegian, a Libyan, a Hindu, a Muslim, a Monk, an Italian, a Serb, a Russian and an Ethiopian went to a bar.
The bouncer said, "I'm sorry, you can't come in here without a Thai"
Both are measured in revolutions per minute.
Who fucked a dynamite stick for a thrill.
They found her vagina in South Carolina
And bits of her tits in Brazil.
Because you never turn your back on family.
before everything goes south.
Imported from poor South American countries.
If it was invented anywhere else it would've been called the teethbrush.
At a southern university, students in the psychology program were attending their first class on emotional extremes. Just to establish some parameters, said the professor to the student from Arkansas, what is the opposite of joy? Sadness, said the student. And the opposite of depression? he asked of the young lady from Oklahoma. Elation, she said. And you sir, he said to the young man from Texas, what about the opposite of woe? The Texan replied, Sir, I believe that would be 'giddy up' .
And begins to drown! A young lifeguard swims out and rescues him, pulling him back to shore.
"Thank you so much for saving me young lady. Please, tell me what I can do to repay you."
"Aw shucks, I don't need nuthin', sir, it's just ma job!" She says.
"Listen, I'm the President of the United States, I can give you anything you want!"
She thinks for a moment and says "Well, I'd mighty like a plot at the Arlington National Cemetery if ya can do that fer me."
"Why does a young woman like you want a burial plot at the cemetery?"
"Because" she said, "When my friends and family find out what I just did they'll kill me!"
A girl from the South and a girl from the North were seated side by side on a plane. The girl from the South, being friendly and all, said, "So, where ya'll from?"
The Northern girl said, "From a place where they know better than to use
a preposition at the end of a sentence."
The girl from the South sat quietly for a few moments and then replied, "So, where ya'll from, bitch?"
South AF
and their mothers are helping them. One girl is from a small town in the south, the other is from an uppity suburb just outside Pretentiousville.
Southern mom: Being cordial, "Where y'all from?"
Pretentiousville mom: "We're from a place where people know not to end a sentence with a preposition."
Southern mom: "Oh, my apologies." Correcting herself, "Where y'all from, cunt?"
Too many thank-you notes.
As migration approached, two elderly vultures doubted they could make the trip south, so they decided to go by airplane.
When they checked their baggage, the attendant noticed that they were carrying two dead raccoons. "Do you wish to check the raccoons through as luggage?" she asked.
"No, thanks," replied the vultures. "They're carrion."
1 year for insulting the Dear Leader and 30 years for revealing a state secret.
A little blue bird was flying south for the Winter. It was so cold the bird froze and fell to the ground into a large hay field.
While he was lying there, a cow came by and took a dump on him. As the frozen blue bird lay there in the heap of steaming pile of cow dung, he began to realize how warm he was.
The dung was actually thawing him out! He lay there all warm and happy, and soon began to sing for joy.
A passing cat heard the bird singing and came to investigate. Following the sound, the cat discovered the bird under the pile of cow dung, and promptly dug him out and ate him.
Morals of the story:
(1) Not everyone who shits on you is your enemy.
(2) Not everyone who gets you out of shit is your friend.
(3) And when you are in deep shit, it is best to keep your mouth shut!
A mother and her very young son were flying Southwest Airlines from Kansas City to Chicago. The little boy (who had been looking out the window) turned to his mother and asked, "If big dogs have baby dogs, and big cats have baby cats, why don't big airplanes have baby airplanes?"
The mother (who couldn't think of an answer) told her son to ask the stewardess.
So the boy went down the aisle and asked the stewardess. The stewardess, who was very busy at the time, smiled and said, "Did your Mom tell you to ask me?"
The boy said, "yes she did."
"Well, then, you go and tell your mother that there are no baby airplanes because Southwest always pulls out on time. Have your Mom explain that to you."
Shoots him 8 times in the black.
They're both flying information.
Once upon a time, there was a stubborn sparrow who decided not to fly south for the winter. However, soon the weather turned so cold that he reluctantly started to fly south.
In a short time ice began to form on his wings. He tried to fly quicker to warmer air, but his wings kept freezing until he finally fell to the earth in a small barnyard. Almost frozen, unaware of where he was, a cow passed by and crapped on the little sparrow. The sparrow thought it was surely the end.
But, the manure began to warm him. Soon, his wings were completely defrosted. Warm and happy, able to breathe and able to move again, he started to sing out loud in joy. Just then, a large cat came by to investigate where these familiar sounds were coming from. Soon enough, the cat cleared away the manure, found the chirping bird and ate him.
~The Morals to this story?
*Everyone who shits on you is not necessarily your enemy.
*Everyone who gets you out of the shit is not necessarily your friend.
*And the most important thing? Well, if you're warm and happy in your nice steaming pile of shit, keep your fucking mouth shut!!!
They don't know how to integrate.
He is the seoul breadwinner
"Welcome aboard Southwest Flight XXX to Chicago. To operate your seatbelt, insert the metal tab into the buckle, and pull tight. It works just like every other seatbelt and if you don't know how to operate one, you probably shouldn't be out in public unsupervised. In the event of a sudden loss of cabin pressure, oxygen masks will descend from the ceiling. Stop screaming, grab the mask, and pull it over your face. If you have a small child traveling with you, secure your mask before assisting with theirs. If you are traveling with two small children, decide now which one you love more."
In Toronto I saw a bumper sticker on a parked car that read:
"I miss South Africa."
So I broke the window, took the radio and left a note that read:
"I hope this helps."
They had spent four days together and they were getting a little testy. One morning, the first friend says, "You know, we're starting to get on each other's nerves. Why don't we split up today. I'll hike north and spend the day looking around, you hike south. Then tonight we'll have dinner and share our experiences over the campfire." The second friend agrees and hikes south.
That night over dinner, the first man tells his story. "Today I hiked into a beautiful valley. I followed a stream up into a canyon and ate lunch. Then I swam in a crystal clear mountain lake. As I sat out and dried, I watched deer come and drink from the stream. The wildflowers were filled with butterflies and hawks floated all day overhead. How was your day?"
The second friend says, "I went south and found a set of railroad tracks. I followed them until I came across a young woman tied to the tracks. I cut the ropes off, gently lifted her off the tracks, and we made love in every imaginable way all afternoon. Finally, when I was so tired I could barely move, I came back to camp."
"Wow!!" the first guy exclaimed, "Your day was much better than mine. Was she pretty?" "I don't know," says the second friend eating his meal, "I couldn't find her head."
Southerner zombies don't have any teeth to bite with.
A South African prison has an Oscar
Seven days later, they returned to the belly button. I had a great time, reported the ant who had ventured north. There were these two big hills, and every day I went skiing, and at night I slept in this nice warm valley.
I had a hell of a time, sighed the other ant. First I had to walk through this thick jungle, then I fell down this huge hole, and by the time I climbed out I was so tired that I fell asleep in this smelly cave. But that wasn't the worst of it: every night, this giant worm came in and threw up in my face.
So a lady goes to see her gyno because she's having a personal health issue. The doctor enters.
"Ma'am, what seems to be the problem?"
"It's been two weeks, doc..I keep finding stamps up my vagina!"
"...stamps?.."
"Yeah! From Costa Rica! Sometimes even Ecuador! I've never even been outside the country!"
"Well, you best get in the stirrups so I can see what the issue is."
Lady puts her feet in the stirrups. The doctor has a look.
"Ah, ma'am, you'll have to remember to WASH the bananas!"
Too many thank-you notes to write
Apparently they opposed integration.
They hate integration
They stopped.
George, the top biker was a big burly man of 53, gets off his Harley, walks through a group of gawkers, past the State Troopers and he says, "Hey Baby, whatcha doin' up there on that there railin'?"
She says "I'm going to commit suicide!"
George says "Well, before you jump, Honey-Babe, how about you give ol' George here your best goodbye kiss?"
Without hesitation, she leaned back over the rail and did just that. And it was a long, deep, lingering kiss plus a few more real wet ones. George gets cheers of approval from his biker-buddies, onlookers, and even the State Troopers.
"Wow! That was the best kiss I have ever had, Honey! That's a real talent you got there, Sugar Shorts. You could be famous if you rode with me.
Why the hell are you committing suicide?"
"My parents don't like me dressing up like a girl."
A redneck in the deep south calls a number he found on a flyer for cheap home vasectomies.
A man on the other side of the line informs him that the procedure is very simple. So simple in fact he can do it on his own.
All he needs is a beer can, a cherry bomb (little firecracker) and to count to 10 whilst standing in the garden.
So the redneck empties the can, lights the cherry bomb and drops it in.
Holding the can in his left hand he starts counting on his fingers.
And then placing the can between his thighs he continues to count on the other hand.
A Brazilian.
A worldwide survey was conducted by the UN. The only question asked was: "Would you please give your honest opinion about solutions to the food shortage in the rest of the world?" The survey was a huge failure. In Africa they didn't know what "food" meant. In Eastern Europe they didn't know what "honest" meant. In Western Europe they didn't know what "shortage" meant. In China they didn't know what "opinion" meant. In the Middle East they didn't know what "solution" meant. In South America they didn't know what "please" meant. And in the USA they didn't know what "the rest of the world" meant.
A Brazilian.
So one day, Boudreaux gets into a boating accident and dies. Unfortunately, St. Peter sends him to hell.
Later on, the devil's making his rounds and sees Boudreaux, just sitting on a rock, smiling like an idiot. The devil goes up to him and says, "Hey, why the heck are you smiling? You're in Hell."
"Well, it's just like a day in da south in June." Boudreaux replied.
The devil, obviously mad that someone was smiling in Hell, told Boudreaux to wait right there. He went to office and turned the thermostat up. When he returned, he found Boudreaux, still smiling like an idiot. The devil went up to him and asked, "How the hell can you still be smiling!? It's even hotter than it was before!"
Boudreaux said, "Mais, it's just like a day in August now."
The devil, now furious, went to his office and kicked his thermostat, breaking it and causing Hell to become ice cold. He returns to Boudreaux, yet, lo and behold, he's still sitting there and smiling like an idiot. The devil yells,
"HOW THE FUCK ARE YOU STILL SMILING!? HELL HAS JUST FROZEN OVER!"
While shivering, Boudreaux simply said, "Mais, the S-S-Saints musta won the S-S-Super Bowl."
His adviser comes in tells him, "Mr. President I'm afraid I have some bad news. There was an explosion at our embassy in South America, two Americans were killed as well as three Brazilian citizens."
Bush looks at him and says, "Oh my God... How many is a brazilian?"
An Englishman an Australian and a South African are in a bar one night having a beer.
All of a sudden the South African downs his beer, throws his glass in the air, pulls out a gun and shoots the glass to pieces and says "In Sath Efrika our glasses are so cheap that we don't need to drink from the same one twice".
The Aussie, obviously impressed by this, drinks his beer, throws his glass into the air, pulls out his gun and shoots the glass to pieces and says "Well mate in 'straaaaaaaailia we have so much sand to make the glasses that we don't need to drink out of the same glass twice either".
The Englishman, cool as a cucumber, picks up his beer and drinks it, throws the glass into the air, pulls out his gun and shoots the South African and the Australian and says, "In London we have so many bloody South Africans and Australians that we don't need to drink with the same one twice".
Authorities report that the crews of both ships are marooned
They are trying to find out what period it came from
A Brazilian.
Why don't schools in the south teach Driver's Ed and Sex Ed on same day?
Too hard on the mule.
In Japan they invented a machine that catches thieves, so they took it out to different countries for a test. In USA, in 30 minutes, it caught 20 thieves,
UK, in 30 minutes it caught 500 thieves,
Spain in 20 minutes it caught 25 thieves :
Nigeria in 10 minutes it caught 6,000 thieves,
Uganda in 7 minutes it caught 20,000 thieves,
Then they brought it to South Africa , in 5 minutes the machine was stolen.
Ancestry.com
A cowboy appears before St. Peter at the Pearly Gates. "Have you done anything of particular merit?" St. Peter asks.
"Well I can think of one thing," the cowboy offered. "On a trip to the Black Hills out in South Dakota I came upon a gang of bikers who were threatening a young woman. I directed them to leave her alone, but they wouldn't listen. So I approached the largest biker with the most tattoos and smacked him in the face, kicked his bike over, ripped out his nose ring, and threw it on the ground. I yelled 'Now back off or I'll kick the shit out of all of you!'"
St. Peter was impressed. "When did this happen?"
" A couple of minutes ago."
A little bird was flying south for the winter. It was so cold; the bird froze up and fell to the ground in a large field. While it was lying there, a cow came by and dropped some dung on it. As the frozen bird lay there in the pile of cow dung, it began to realize how warm it was. The dung was actually thawing him out! He lay there all warm and happy, and soon began to sing for joy.
A passing cat heard the bird singing and came to investigate. Following the sound, the cat discovered the bird under the pile of cow dung, and promptly dug him out and ate him!
The morals of this story are:
Not everyone who drops shit on you is your enemy.
Not everyone who gets you out of shit is your friend.
And when you're in deep shit, keep your mouth shut!
She asked me how to get her hand out quickly.
I told her, "Dig south for her arm, bae."
Two lazy vultures had procrastinated on flying south for the winter until the first frost hit, then they got worried. "We better catch an airplane to Mexico, lets go to the airport!" So they take off down the road, and as luck would have it, they come across two dead road-killed opossums, that had started to get nice and smelly, just like vultures like them. "What luck, we better take these with us, I heard the airlines don't offer meals on the flight anymore." So they each grab a dead opossum, tuck it under their wing, and head on to the terminal. They walk up to the ticket counter and tell they lady "We'd like two tickets to Cancun, please."
"Very well," she says, "Will you be checking any bags?"
"No," say the vultures, holding up the dead opossum carcasses, "we only have carrion."
Because slavery is illegal.
Because they made a part tide illegal.
and they find that they are running very low on money. The girl tells her grandma,
"I'm going to head off south to find work, I'll come back with money. I promise."
The girl is gone for many months, and when she returns home she has tons of money! The grandmother is overjoyed and says,
"How did you make all this money, child?"
The girl says in a hushed voice, "Well, I was a prostitute grandma."
The grandmother looked enraged, "What did you say?!"
"I was a prostitute, grandma! I'm sorry."
The grandmother calms down, "Oh thank God! I thought you said you were a protestant!"
A Brazillian
So a man who lived in the north moved to the south to become a farmer so he packed up and moved to the south to start a farm. To start out he had to find a rooster for his farm, so he went the town and went into the store that sold rooster. He went up the clerk and asked for a rooster, but the cashier told him that they call them cocks there, so he took the cock and remembers that he will need a chicken for his farm so he went to the same store and asked for a chicken, but the cashier told him that they call them pullets so he took the pullet and left. Last he remembered he would need a donkey for his farm so he went to the same store and asked the store clerk for a donkey, but like the other times the cashier told him that they call them asses there, but to make the ass move you had to slap them. So he took the ass and started to walk up the street but his hands were too full so he looked at the nearest person to him and asked "Can you hold my cock and pullet while I slap my ass?"
a young southern girl sat down next to her. "Where y'all goin' to?" she asked the teacher.
Turning her nose in the air, the snob replied, "I don't answer people who end their sentences with prepositions."
The young lady thought a moment and replied, "Where y'all goin' to, *bitch*?"
The other 50% drive Rincolns.
nothing. sombodys losing a trailer!
Seoulmates
He would have made a gas car
Nothing, because either way, someone is losing their trailer.
A Brazilian
Worldwide survey was conducted by the UN. The only question asked was:
"Would you please give your honest opinion about solutions to the food shortage in the rest of the world?"
The survey was a huge failure,
In Africa they didn't know what 'food' meant,
In India they didn't know what 'honest' meant,
In Europe they didn't know what 'shortage' meant,
In China they didn't know what 'opinion' meant,
In the Middle East they didn't know what 'solution' meant,
In South America they didn't know what 'please' meant,
And in the USA they didn't know what 'the rest of the world' meant!
Roses are red, Violets are glorious, Don't ever sneak up on Oscar Pistorius.
She didn't notice Oscar sneaking up behind her. It was the silence of the limbs.
Oscar Pistorius. Not the first South African with a race problem.
When Oscar Pistorius said he wanted to be just like able bodied athletes, who knew he meant OJ Simpson?
Absolutely shocking news from South Africa. White man arrested for murder.
Oscar Pistorius. Just because he has no legs doesn't mean he's unarmed.
Surely Oscar Pistorius cant be the first man to wake up legless on Valentines day and shoot all over the missus while imagining she's someone else!
I take it Oscar Pistorius's girlfriend bought him shoes for Valentines.
What do you call a room full of dead people? An Oscar Pistorius surprise birthday party... or... An Oscar Pistorius St Valentine's Day Massacre
Oscar Pistorius has an incredible record of wins to his name - Six gold medals, four silver medals and one argument.
A young woman is dead, the life of up‑and‑coming athlete, Oscar Pistorius, is ruined, and people are already making jokes about it. That's prosthetic... i mean pathetic.
I think it's safe to say that Oscar Pistorius won't be getting his leg over tonight.
Oscar Pistorious' lawyer is trying to claim mistaken identity
Personally I don`t think he has a leg to stand on
And the Oscar goes to ... Prison.
Hopefully the USA will follow suit, and have their president deoranged.
It's down to two contestants...one Harvard grad and one old redneck from the Low Country. They each have 5 minutes to come up with a poem, but they have to use the word "Timbuktu" in the poem to win. The Harvard grad goes first.
"Swiftly cross the desert sands,
Strode a lonely caravan.
One by one on camels drew,
Destination: Timbuktu."
The crowd goes crazy, thinking there's no way the redneck can top that. He walks to the mic, spits out his wad of tabacco, ponders a second and says:
"Me and Tim a huntin' went.
Met three whores in a pop-up tent.
They was three and we was two,
So I bucked one and Timbuktu."
It freezes mid-flight and falls down on the snow in a farm. A cow passing by takes pity on it and shits on it to keep it warm.
After few minutes the bird regains consciousness because of the warmth and starts chirping.
A cat hears it, picks it out of the shit, cleans it and eats it.
Moral of the story:
Not everyone who shits on you is your enemy.
Not everyone who takes you out of a shit is your friend.
But most importantly,
When you are in a deep shit, shut the fuck up.
They've really got Seoul.
A mother and her son were flying Southwest Airlines from Oakland to Kansas City.
The son, who had been looking out the window, turned to his mother and said: "If big dogs have baby dogs and big cats have baby cats, why don't big planes have baby planes?
The mother, who couldn't think of an answer, told her son to ask the flight attendant.
So, the little boy asked the flight attendant: "If big dogs have baby dogs and big cats have baby cats, why don't big planes have baby planes?"
The flight attendant asked: "Did your mother tell you to ask me that?"
He said that she had.
With a clever grin, she said: "Tell your mother it's because Southwest Airlines always pulls out on time."
They've got Seoul.
It'd be Seoul destroying
and the teacher asked, "Please write in your own opinion about the insufficient amount of food in other countries."
But none of the could write it.
The kid from South America didn't know what 'please' was.
The Asian kid didn't know what 'your own opinion' was.
The European kid didn't know what the word 'insufficient' meant.
The Kid from Africa didn't know what 'food' was.
And the kid from North America had absolutely no clue what the heck were 'other countries'.
Four southern belles were discussing their husbands one afternoon
1st Southern Belle: "Well, ah do declare, my husband is so good to me.
He brings me diamonds near' every day of the week. I got a diamond
ring for every finger."
2SB: "My My My"
3SB: "You know, my husbands is the same way. He brings me fur coats
all the time. I got a whole closet full of fur coats."
2SB: "My My My"
4SB: "Mine too. He takes me on cruises and trips. I've been nearly
everywhere on this whole blessed earth."
2SB: "My My My"
(Nervous pause)
1SB to 2SB: "How does your husband treat you?"
2SB: "Oh, my husband is good to me too. He sent me off to finishin' school."
(Nervous pause)
3SB to 2SB: "Finishin' school? What good is goin' to finishin' school?"
2SB: "Well, I used to say 'Fuck you, bitch', now I just say 'My My My.'"
A gas station owner near Camden , Alabama was trying to increase his sales. So he put up a sign that read, Free Sex with Fill-Up."
Soon a local redneck pulled in, filled his tank and asked for his free sex. The owner told him to pick a number from 1 to 10. If he guessed correctly, he would get his free sex. The redneck guessed 8, and the proprietor said, "You were close! The number was 7. Sorry; no sex this time."
A week later, the same redneck, along with his brother, Bubba, pulled in for another fill-up. Again he asked for his free sex. The proprietor again gave him the same story, and asked him to guess the correct number. The redneck guessed 2 this time. The proprietor said, "Sorry, it was 3. You were close, but NO free sex this time."
As they were driving away, the redneck said to his brother, "I think that game is RIGGED, and he doesn't really give away FREE Sex." Bubba replied, "No it ain't, Billy Ray. It ain't rigged. My WIFE won twice last week."
Most commonly it's whole wheat or rye
Their journey went south.
A Brazilian
a Homo-sex-y'all
Two informally dressed ladies happened to start up a conversation during an endless wait in the LAX airport.
The first lady was an arrogant California woman married to a wealthy man.
The second was a well-mannered elderly woman from the South.
When the conversation centered on whether they had any children, the California woman started by saying, "When my first child was born, my husband built a beautiful mansion for me."
The lady from the South commented, "Well, bless your heart."
The first woman continued, "When my second child was born, my husband bought me a beautiful Mercedes-Benz..
Again, the lady from the South commented, "Well, bless your heart."
The first woman continued boasting, "Then, when my third child was born, my husband bought me this exquisite diamond bracelet.
Yet again, the Southern lady commented, "Well, bless your heart."
The first woman then asked her companion, "What did your husband buy for you when you had your first child?"
"My husband sent me to charm school," declared the Southern lady.
"Charm school?" the first woman cried, "Oh, my God! What on earth for?"
The Southern lady responded, "Well for example, instead of saying "Who gives a shit?" I learned to say, "Well, bless your heart".
A Brazilian.
The southern belle says, "So, where are you from?"
The New Yorker replies, "Where am I *from*? I'm from a place where we don't end our sentences with a preposition."
The southern belle thinks about this for a moment. Then, she says, "So, where are you from, bitch?"
Nothing, someone's losing the trailer.
-Robin Williams
And the lone ranger says: "Tonto! There's Indians to the North! And Indians to the West, Indians to the East and Indians to the South! What are we going to do?"
And Tonto goes: "What do you mean we, white man?"
They are both usually in bread.
Three nuns went to a baseball game. Over the course of the baseball game, the nuns became increasingly rowdy. So, three men behind them began to have a loud discussion.
"I think i'll move to Idaho, I hear that there are only 20 nuns there," said the first man.
"20 nuns? I'm going to move to South Dakota. I hear that there are only 10 nuns there," said the second man.
Just before the third man could speak, one of the nuns turned around and said, "You should go to hell, I hear that there are no nuns there."
Cape Town
He was the Seoul survivor.
The North seismologist says: "why didn't you see the earthquake coming?!"
The South seismologist says: "It's not my Fault!"
Nothing, somebody's losing the trailer.
- Robin Williams
One's a hairy beast that spits and the other's native to South America.
My lands!
Somebody is losing a trailer
Betty Lou says, "After I had little Bubba Junior, Bubba bought me a brand new Cadillac convertible."
Bobby Sue says, "That Bubba is one sweet and generous husband."
Darla Jean says, "Well ain't that sweet."
Bobby Sue says, "When I gave birth to little Dale Junior, Dale said we needed a bigger house and bought me a new four bedroom with central air."
Betty Lou says, "I declare that Dale is a wonderful man."
Darla Jean says, "Well ain't that sweet."
Bobby Sue says, "Darla Jean, what did Lester get you after Les Junior was born?"
Darla Jean says, "He sent me to charm school."
"Charm school?"
"Yes, and it worked, too. I used to just say fuck you, but now I say, 'Well ain't that sweet'.
Cousins.....
Those inbreds.
Wanna hear migrate idea?
...they decided to split up into five groups to cover as much ground as possible.
One group headed West and Wessex was born.
A particularly lazy bunch decided to stay exactly at the meeting point and incorporate Middlesex.
Another went South to form Sussex, which is still exactly where they made it, while yet another formed Essex to the East.
Oh, nearly forgot about the very conservative pack who went North. Nobody heard from them again
Deep in the heart of Alabama, a son arrives to his father's house with exciting news.
"Paw, I met the best girl in the world, and we're about to get married!"
The father seems excited, and urges his son to describe her.
"Well, she's quick as a whip, funny as a bone, most gorgeous girl south of dixie," and after every description, the father hollers his approval.
"And best of all... she's a virgin!"
At the last statement, the father's excitement disappears. The son looks confused, and asks him what's the matter. The father shouts back,
"If she ain't good enough for her family, what makes you think she's good enough for ours?"
A lady from South Carolina meets up with a woman from New York
South Carolina lady: Where y'all from?
New Yorker: Where I'm from, we don't end a sentence with a preposition
South Carolina lady: Oh okay, Where y'all from, bitch?
There's this penguin, driving through the South, the Deep South... late August. The hot months. "Ew! But it sure is hot!" the penguin lisped from behind the wheel of his choking jalopy.
Suddenly! The jalopy fails the penguin and he has to push it down a bumpy road to the next small town. He got out, and with all his strength in his weak flippers, he pushed the car over hill and dale.
"Whew!" he sighed.
As luck would have it, there was a mechanic in town, and he told the penguin that he'd have to spend some time with the car. "Why don't you come back in an hour or so?"
Wiping the sweat from his brow, the penguin espied an ice cream shoppe! "Hurray and yippy!" he cried! "I'll be back, toot sweet!" he said.
He ordered the tallest vanilla ice cream he could hold between his vestigial wings... those miserable fins could barely manage the scoops upon scoops of creamy goodness. The cone was so tall that more of it ended up on the penguin than in him!
"Yummy! That was very very good!" the penguin said, smacking his lips.
He waddled back to the mechanic who was ready to give the little fellow an update. The mechanic looked at the penguin sternly. The gaskets and seals on the engine were severely damaged after years of driving without a routine check, and it was certainly going to be expensive.
"Well, it looks like you blew a seal."
"Oh no, that's just ice cream!" the penguin said, wiping the ice cream from his chin.
A bird is late to fly south for the winter, and when his wings start to freeze, he lands in a barnyard. The bird is pretty irritated (an angry bird, perhaps) with his situation - when all of a sudden a cow shows up and takes a huge crap on him.
At first, the bird becomes even more upset, but he then realizes that despite the smell, the cow dung is warming him up and melting the ice on his wings. After a while, he becomes happy, and starts to chirp.
The farmer's cat, hearing chirping, tracks down the bird and eats him.
Morals of the story:
#1 - People who crap on you are not necessarily your enemies
#2 - People who pull you out of crap are not necessarily your friends
#3 - If you are warm and happy whilst in a pile of crap, keep your mouth shut.
Then I remembered, they're from the south.
Because if it were invented in the North, it'd be called the teethbrush!
A Brazilian.
In the Old West, a man robbed a bank in El Paso and rode south. The sheriff quickly formed a posse and they captured him in a small cantina near the Mexican border, but he didn't have the money. The sheriff decided to interrogate him, but the robber only spoke Spanish, so they got the bartender to translate.
Sheriff, through translator: "Where's the money?"
Bank robber, through translator: I'll never tell you."
The sheriff puts his revolver to the bank robber's head. Now, tell me where the money is!
Bank robber (in Spanish): I hid it under the bridge south of town!
Translator: He says he's not afraid to die."
A South American guy gets into a terrible accident. When he comes to in the hospital, he looks down and sees a bloody rag covering his groin, and notices he can't feel his penis.
A doctor walks into his hospital room and the guy looks at him, and says, through tears "Give it to me straight, Doctor. How much is left?"
"Well," says the Doctor, "if the tattoo you had on there said 'Anna', then you have half. If it was 'Elena', then you have two-fifths."
The man groans and says "Doc. It said 'Made in Argentina'"
Fifty-one years ago, Herman James, a South Alabama man, was drafted by the Army. On his first day in basic training, the Army issued him a comb. That afternoon the Army barber sheared off all his hair.
On his second day, the Army issued Herman a toothbrush. That afternoon the Army dentist yanked seven of his teeth.
On the third day, the Army issued him a jock strap. The Army has been looking for Herman for 51 years.
North Koreans have no Seoul.
Three friends, an American, a German and a South African, are walking along the Great Wall of China. The American decides he wants to show off, so he takes out an enormous Hersey's bar, nibbles on a small piece, then tosses it over the edge of the wall.
The German exclaims "What a waste of chocolate!" And the American replies "We have TONS of it in our country."
Not to be out done, the German takes out a large bottle of unmarked Wheat beer, takes a small sip, then tosses it over the edge of the wall.
The South African explodes "What a bloody waste of beer!" And the German replies "We have TONS of it in our country."
Now the South African is pondering, and see's a tour group walking by. He grabs a black tourist and chucks him over the wall.
As the American and German shout in horror, the South African waves his hand nonchalantly and says "It's Okay! We have tons of them in our country."
Y'know, cause it's in-bread.
Looking for a job. His manager thinks about it and says "we only have one role available at the moment, it's a short film about segregation"
The actor replies "great, that sounds like a-part-heid take"
When they come across a sheep with it's head stuck in the fence so the south Dakota cowboy gets down off his horse, goes over, and fucks the sheep.
He then looks up at the North Dakota cowboy and asks "do you want a go?"
Too which the North Dakota cowboy replies "sure" and he gets down off his horse,
Pulls his pants down,
And sticks his head I the fence.
A young guy walks into a bar. An old drunk sits with a shoe box on the stool next to him.
The guy asks, "What's in the box?"
The older guy says matter-of-factly, "A South American Blow Job Toad."
The young guy looks around. "Can I try it?"
The older guy nods. The young guy goes to the men's room and returns 20 minutes later.
"That was amazing," he says, "You've got to sell it to me."
The old drunk concedes to sell the toad for a hefty sum. The happy young man struts home and meets his wife at the door.
"Where the hell have you been? What's in the box?" she demands.
"South American Blow Job Toad."
"So?" asks the wife.
"So, teach it to cook and get the f**k out."
Mbeki, Jacob Zuma, Geraldine Fraser-Moleketi and Manto Tsabalala Msimang were flying together in the President's jet. Thabo Mbeki suddenly said: You know what. I can throw a R500 right now out of this window and make someone happy.
Jacob Zuma said: I can throw five R 100 notes out of the window and I will make 5 people unbelievably happy.
Geraldine said: I will give government employees 7.25% salary increase and make millions happy .
Manto said : I will can throw ten R 50 notes out of the window and make 10 people very, very happy.
The one pilot looks at the other and says:
Listen to those 4 showoffs at the back… I can throw all 4 of them out of the window right now and I will make the whole country very happy!
Their Seoul Mate.
He did some seoul searching.
Light brown, from the south, and kept in a lightless cabinet only to be taken out on special occasions.
because if it was invented anywhere else, it would be called a teethbrush.
They all had their masters
A vegetable can get married
They know the south will rise again.
A full set of teeth.
So, what is a three 'L' lama?
A big fire in Boston.
About a week or so
Many years ago, in the South Pacific, there was a small island kingdom that was ruled by a kind and benevolent King. Each year, on the King's birthday, the residents of the island gave the King a new throne as token of their love and respect for him. And each year, the King would put last years gift up in the attic of his small house. After many years of ruling the island, the weight of the large number of birthday presents stored up in the attic became too heavy and caused the house to fall down.
The moral of the story is that people in grass houses shouldn't stow thrones.
Change? Whatever do you mean, *change*?
The Mother Superior answers.
"Em, 'scuse me, Mother Superior," the first leprechaun says, "but you aren't after having any midget nuns in this convent?"
"Why, no little man" says she, "we have no midget nuns in this convent."
"Sure there aren't any midget nuns in the south of Ireland?"
"No, little man"
"Sure there aren't any midget nuns in the north of Ireland?"
"No, little man."
"So, yer tellin' us, Mother Superior, that in all of Ireland, there are no midget nuns?"
"Yes, as far as I know in all of Ireland, there are no midget nuns." The line of questioning becoming tiresome, the Mother Superior closes the door and goes away.
One leprechaun turns to the other and says, "Ah, well ye see, Seamus, I told you it was a penguin we fooked."
She made me do it all.
A Brazilian.
A man is enjoying his time on a beach in South America when a beautiful young woman wanders over and strikes up a conversation with him. A few minutes pass, and he inquires as to what her name is. She replies "My name is Carmen."
"That's a nice name," he says.
"My name used to be Lucia," she says.
"Why did you change it?" he asks.
"I wanted to name myself after things I like...cars and men. So, Carmen. What's your name?"
The man pauses for a moment and replies, "B.J. Titsanbeer."
They are banning family reunions
A Brazilian.
Two ants meet at the navel of a beautiful sunbathing woman.
They decide that one will explore the area to the north and the other one will go south.
A day later they meet at the navel again.
The ant who explored the north starts to talk about his journey excitedly: "It was awesome! Two steep hills, I took out my climbing gear, went up, took out my deck chair and got a nice tan! What about you?"
The other ant groans: "Don't ask! It was terrible. First I had to fight my way through this humid thicket and when I finally found a cave and was just about to roll out my sleeping bag this fucking bald guy comes in and pukes all over the place!"
(translated from German, so sorry if it sounds weird)
Did you ever wanted to prank someone about South? Well, here are the best jokes about South to have fun with.