Ridiculous South Jokes to Spark Fun and Laughter
Missing South Africa
In Toronto I saw a bumper sticker on a parked car that read:
"I miss South Africa."
So I broke the window, took the radio and left a note that read:
"I hope this helps."
whats the diffrence between a tornado and a divorce in the south?
nothing. sombodys losing a trailer!
As migration approached, two elderly vultures
As migration approached, two elderly vultures doubted they could make the trip south, so they decided to go by airplane.
When they checked their baggage, the attendant noticed that they were carrying two dead raccoons. "Do you wish to check the raccoons through as luggage?" she asked.
"No, thanks," replied the vultures. "They're carrion."
Why is the South the best place to hide in case of zombie takeover?
Southerner zombies don't have any teeth to bite with.
Whats the difference between a tornado and a divorce in the south?
Nothing, because either way, someone is losing their trailer.
I'm from the southern US, is it OK to poke fun at myself?
Why don't schools in the south teach Driver's Ed and s**... Ed on same day?
Too hard on the mule.
So George Bush is in his office...
His adviser comes in tells him, "Mr. President I'm afraid I have some bad news. There was an e**... at our embassy in South America, two Americans were killed as well as three Brazilian citizens."
Bush looks at him and says, "Oh my God... How many is a brazilian?"
You guys know how the toothbrush was invented in the south?
Because if it was invented in the north, it would've been called a teethbrush.
A North Irish girl lives with her grandmother...
and they find that they are running very low on money. The girl tells her grandma,
"I'm going to head off south to find work, I'll come back with money. I promise."
The girl is gone for many months, and when she returns home she has tons of money! The grandmother is overjoyed and says,
"How did you make all this money, child?"
The girl says in a hushed voice, "Well, I was a p**... grandma."
The grandmother looked enraged, "What did you say?!"
"I was a p**..., grandma! I'm sorry."
The grandmother calms down, "Oh thank God! I thought you said you were a protestant!"
Southwest
A mother and her very young son were flying Southwest Airlines from Kansas City to Chicago. The little boy (who had been looking out the window) turned to his mother and asked, "If big dogs have baby dogs, and big cats have baby cats, why don't big airplanes have baby airplanes?"
The mother (who couldn't think of an answer) told her son to ask the stewardess.
So the boy went down the aisle and asked the stewardess. The stewardess, who was very busy at the time, smiled and said, "Did your Mom tell you to ask me?"
The boy said, "yes she did."
"Well, then, you go and tell your mother that there are no baby airplanes because Southwest always pulls out on time. Have your Mom explain that to you."
Did you know that 90% of all dog in South Korea are i**...?
Most commonly it's whole wheat or rye
You can explore south west reddit one liners, including funnies and gags. Read them and you will understand what jokes are funny? Those of you who have teens can tell them clean south southeast dad jokes. There are also south puns for kids, 5 year olds, boys and girls.
Obama goes on vacation to South Carolina and goes for an ocean swim...
And begins to drown! A young lifeguard swims out and rescues him, pulling him back to shore.
"Thank you so much for saving me young lady. Please, tell me what I can do to repay you."
"Aw shucks, I don't need nuthin', sir, it's just ma job!" She says.
"Listen, I'm the President of the United States, I can give you anything you want!"
She thinks for a moment and says "Well, I'd mighty like a plot at the Arlington National Cemetery if ya can do that fer me."
"Why does a young woman like you want a burial plot at the cemetery?"
"Because" she said, "When my friends and family find out what I just did they'll kill me!"
So why don't Southern Belles attend o**... any more?
Too many thank-you notes to write
How many South Americans does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A Brazilian.
Lazy vultures
Two lazy vultures had procrastinated on flying south for the winter until the first frost hit, then they got worried. "We better catch an airplane to Mexico, lets go to the airport!" So they take off down the road, and as luck would have it, they come across two dead road-killed opossums, that had started to get nice and smelly, just like vultures like them. "What luck, we better take these with us, I heard the airlines don't offer meals on the flight anymore." So they each grab a dead opossum, tuck it under their wing, and head on to the terminal. They walk up to the ticket counter and tell they lady "We'd like two tickets to Cancun, please."
"Very well," she says, "Will you be checking any bags?"
"No," say the vultures, holding up the dead opossum carcasses, "we only have carrion."
Why is it always a full tide in South Africa?
Because they made a part tide i**....
Why are South Koreans better dancers than North Koreans?
They've got Seoul.
What does a South Carolina cop do when a panda runs away from him?
Shoots him 8 times in the black.
A North-Korean officer pulls out a megaphone at the North and South Korean border and yells "Kim Jong-Un is an idiot!" and gets sent to 31 years in a labor camp.
1 year for insulting the Dear Leader and 30 years for revealing a state secret.
TIL several states in the South banned calculus from schools in the 1950's.
Apparently they opposed integration.
What is the most popular dating website in the south?
Ancestry.com
A North Korean man frequently sneaks to the South Korean capital to gamble for bakery goods for his family.
He is the seoul breadwinner
I want to visit north Korea one day...
before everything goes south.
Breaking News: A ship carrying red paint just collided with a ship carrying purple paint, in the South China Sea.
Authorities report that the crews of both ships are marooned
Apparently it's no longer politically correct to direct a joke at any racial or ethic minority, so...
An Englishman, a Scotsman, an Irishman, a Welshman, a Gurkha, a Latvian, a Turk, an Aussie, two Kiwis, a German, an American, a South African, a Cypriot, an Egyptian, a Japanese, a Mexican, a Spaniard, a Pole, a Lithuanian, a Swede, a Finn, a Dane, a Romani, a Bulgarian, a Swiss, a Greek, a Bulgarian, a Singaporean, a Norwegian, a Libyan, a Hindu, a Muslim, a Monk, an Italian, a Serb, a Russian and an Ethiopian went to a bar.
The bouncer said, "I'm sorry, you can't come in here without a Thai"
What's the difference between a South African prison and Leonardo Dicaprio?
A South African prison has an Oscar
Why does it take southerners so long to do their chores?
Because slavery is i**....
Archeologists in South Africa have just discoved what they think is the oldest t**... ever found
They are trying to find out what period it came from
What do South American governments and internal combustion engines have in common?
Both are measured in revolutions per minute.
Elon Musk was born in South Africa, and made an electric car. What if he had been born in Madagascar?
He would have made a gas car
My girlfriend's best friend had her arm stuck in the dirt this morning
She asked me how to get her hand out quickly.
I told her, "Dig south for her arm, bae."
The country would be a lot better off if the South had won the war.....
...General Lee speaking
I don't get why Japanese people and South Korean people just can't get along.
I mean, they're all Chinese.
What do South Koreans call their spouses?
Seoulmates
President of South Korea Impeached.
Hopefully the USA will follow suit, and have their president deoranged.
Why is teaching calculus so difficult in the South?
They hate integration
I'll be so demoralised if North Korea decides to invade South Korea...
It'd be Seoul destroying
TIL 50% of South Koreans have cataracts.
The other 50% drive Rincolns.
In Japan they invented a machine that catches thieves
In Japan they invented a machine that catches thieves, so they took it out to different countries for a test. In USA, in 30 minutes, it caught 20 thieves,
UK, in 30 minutes it caught 500 thieves,
Spain in 20 minutes it caught 25 thieves :
Nigeria in 10 minutes it caught 6,000 thieves,
Uganda in 7 minutes it caught 20,000 thieves,
Then they brought it to South Africa , in 5 minutes the machine was stolen.
How is a thrown dictionary similar to birds flying south for winter?
They're both flying information.
Why is the south bad at calculus?
They don't know how to integrate.
North Korea is participating in the olympics this year, but they won't win.
Because all of their athletes that can run jump or swim are in south korea
South Korea is famous for their R&B music.
They've really got Seoul.
What s**... position are you not allowed to use in the south?
Reverse c**..., you never turn your back on family.
Why don't they teach Calculus in the Deep South?
Because they don't like integration.
My Southern friends are like "K"s
they're alright when they are by themselves, but get 3 of 'em together and it gets pretty racist
The UN decided to do a worldwide survey...
The only question asked was: "Would you please give your honest opinion about solutions to the food shortage in the rest of the world?" The survey was a huge flop. In Africa they didn't know what "food" meant. In Eastern Europe, they didn't know what "honest" meant. In Western Europe, they didn't know what "shortage" meant. In China, they didn't know what "opinion" meant. In the Middle East, they didn't know what "solution" meant. In South America, they didn't know what "please" meant. And in the USA, they didn't know what "the rest of the world" meant.
The Lone Ranger and Tonto are on a ridge
And the lone ranger says: "Tonto! There's Indians to the North! And Indians to the West, Indians to the East and Indians to the South! What are we going to do?"
And Tonto goes: "What do you mean we, white man?"
A professor in South Africa is teaching her students how to form Emglish sentences.
Attention class I have two words: Cheetah, and dandelion. Can anybody use these together in a sentence?
One student raises their hand,
The cheetah is faster dandelion.
How south is South Africa?
South AF
When I professed my love to a female friend she told me she loved me like a brother...
We are from the south so things are going good.
Cop spots a guy driving past with a South American plate. He's eating some kind of Mexican food and has no clothes on! He pulls him over and asks, "Where are you from? What are you eating? Aren't you cold?"
"Chilly", he replies.
A worldwide survey was conducted by the UN.
The only question asked was: "Would you please give your honest opinion about solutions to the food shortage in the rest of the world?" The survey was a huge failure. In Africa they didn't know what "food" meant. In Eastern Europe they didn't know what "honest" meant. In Western Europe they didn't know what "shortage" meant. In China they didn't know what "opinion" meant. In the Middle East they didn't know what "solution" meant. In South America they didn't know what "please" meant. And in the USA they didn't know what "the rest of the world" meant.
Call me a racist if you want, but south of the border is a sea of violence, corruption and stupidity I wouldn't touch with a ten foot pole.
Thank god I live in Canada
Why did North Korea fight South Korea?
Because North Korea has no Seoul
My wife is k**... me out because she's fed up with my South American animal puns...
'OK,' I said, 'Alpaca my bags.'
Christmas c**... joke: Why do birds fly south in the winter?
Because they can't afford the train!
Sorry, but I'm eating alone this Christmas and have no one here to tell it to.
A South Korean asks a North Korean How's life?
The North Korean responds Well, I can't complain.
How did Kim Kardashian tell her kid about her upcoming divorce with Kanye?
North, things between West and I have gone South.
Dated a gold digger once.
I date this girl once, she was a solid 10. She was smoking hot, and crazy in bed. Things went south though, she claimed I lied about how much money I had.
And I was like my exact words where, that I has worth between 40 and 75 million dollars .
So what if it was only $2,165. It is still between $40- $75,000,000.
Why can chess Bishops only more diagonally?
Because north, south, east and west are Cardinal directions.
The Delta Variant is burning through the South so quickly
They should call it the Sherman Variant
Why is the deep south US the safest place to relocate during the zombie apocalypse?
Toothless zombies can't bite.
Tesla founder Elon Musk is originally from South Africa, which is strange
You'd think he was from mad-at-gas-car.
Did you hear about the pole vault champion of North Korea?
He's now the pole vault champion of South Korea.
A worldwide survey has been carried out with the following question:
*"PLEASE, GIVE US YOUR OPINION ON THE LACK OF FOOD IN THE REST OF THE World"* No result was achieved, since the following problems were facedduring the survey's implementation:
1. In Western Europe no one knew what is "lack"
2. In Africa no one knew what is "food"
3. In Eastern Europe no one knew what is "opinion"
4. In South America no one knew what is "please"
5. In the USA no one knew what is "rest of the world"
I once took a holiday to the North Pole
It was great while I was there but after that my holiday just went south.
A Southern lady sits down next to a Yankee businesswoman on a plane. Trying to be friendly, the Southerner asks, "So, where ya'all from?"
The Yankee sniffs in disdain and replies, "Where I'm from, we don't end our sentences in prepositions!"
The lady, a little shocked by the rudeness says, "Aight, where ya'all from, b**...?"
Scientists have discovered a new type of polar bear. It can live in both the North and South poles, is prone to extreme mood swings and has shown interest in other bears of both genders.
It's a bi-polar bipolar bi polar bear
A worldwide survey was conducted by the UN.
The only question asked was:
'Would you please give your honest opinion about solutions to the food shortage in the rest of the world? The survey was a failure.
In Africa they didn't know what 'food' meant;
in India they didn't know what 'honest' meant;
in Europe they didn't know what 'shortage' meant;
in China they didn't know what 'opinion' meant;
in the Middle East they didn't know what 'solution' meant;
in South America they didn't know what 'please' meant;
in the USA they didn't know what 'the rest of the world' meant.
Lindsey Graham gets new suit
On a Senate trip to Japan, Lindsey Graham picked up some silk to have a custom suit made. At a top notch tailor shop in South Carolina, the tailor said with the material, he could make a single breasted suit.
Graham decided to wait, took the material to a tailor in New York who told him he could make a double breasted suit, a vest, and an extra pair of pants.
He asked, "How can you do so much more with this material than the tailor in South Carolina?"
"Well, senator, I guess you're not as big up here."
Southern France is Nice
But Gibraltar totally rocks!
I met a nice guy online. He says he's from South Korea.
I think he might be my Seoulmate
I was surprised to find out that Elon Musk was born in South Africa
I thought he was born in Mad-at-gas-car.
A fellow from the Midwest has to spend Christmas in the deep South.
He's there on business, and he misses the snow. He tries to cheer himself up by walking around looking at a Christmas crèche ( a tableau representing the Nativity scene ). He's shocked to see that the three wise men are dressed as firemen, in hats and boots and slickers. He asks a passerby why in the world they're dressed that way.
Annoyed, she says, "Don't you Yankees ever read the Bible? It says right in the Bible, the three wise men came from *a far!*"
I was pretty surprised to learn Elon Musk was born in South Africa
I thought he was born in Mad-at-gas-car
A Zimbabwean man, a Malian man, an Equatorial Guinean man, and a South African man, were all walking down the street.
They came up on a street performer, who asked if he was visible.
"Yes."
"Oui."
"Si."
"Ja."
So I was visiting South Korea but I forgot my phone and I had no map.
It was a true Seoul searching journey.
Dwayne Johnson wants to move to a peninsula south of Spain.
He wants to be the Rock of Gibraltar.
What do r**... from the South & a**... from Boston have in common?
They both hate the Yankees!
Did you hear what happened to the top pole-valter in North Korea?
He became the top pole-valter in South Korea.
