Sorry Your Leaving Jokes
100 sorry your leaving jokes and hilarious sorry your leaving puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about sorry your leaving that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.
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Funniest Sorry Your Leaving Short Jokes
Short sorry your leaving jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The sorry your leaving humour may include short saying bye jokes also.
- I used to work in a bakery, didn't really enjoy it and the pay wasn't great... I just kneaded the dough
I'm sorry, I'll leave now... - A man goes for his first prostate exam "I am sorry doctor, but where can I leave my pants?"
"Right there where I left mine" - the doctor says - My son made up this joke. Knock knock -Who's there?
-Alexa
-Alexa who?
-Sorry I don't know that one. You can always leave feedback on the Alexa app. - The bartender says "Sorry, we don't make that here." Quentin Tarantino walks into a bar.
He gets up and leaves.
He takes a seat and orders a Polynesian Pearl Diver. - A wife screamed at her husband: 'You're gonna be real sorry. I'm gonna leave you' 'Make up your mind' said the husband 'Which is it going to be?'
- A painter asked me.. .. if he can make a painting of my wife.
Me: Sure, but make it beautiful.
painter: Of course. You will feel as if the paiting will talk to you.
Me: Oh! Sorry, leave it then. - Sorry. Due to the sick and twisted nature of the people on this reddit, I will not be leaving.
- You know, I kinda feel sorry for kids of gay people They either get twice the number of yo mamma jokes, or twice the number of dads leaving to buy milk.
- Why did Jesus's crucifixion save us all ? Because he nailed it.
>I am so sorry. I will leave now. - "Sorry, we don't serve mojitos here" says the bartender. The dejected mojito gets up and leaves the bar.
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Sorry Your Leaving One Liners
Which sorry your leaving one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with sorry your leaving? I can suggest the ones about goodbye and good bye.
- What's Michelle's favourite vegetable? Barackoli
(I'm sorry I'll leave now...) - Why can't melons get married? They cantaloupe ^sorry ^I'll ^leave
- Why can't horses vote? 'Cause their answer is always 'nay'.
I'm sorry, I'll leave... - I'm sorry CO2, but I'm leaving you you're suffocating me!
- What did the f**... hair say when it had to leave the party? "Sorry guys, moustache!"
Cheerful Fun Sorry Your Leaving Jokes for Lovely Laughter
What funny jokes about sorry your leaving you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean farewell jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make sorry your leaving pranks.
There was this atheist and he was in the woods.
And suddenly he heard some leaves cracking.
He looked behind and there was a huge bear behind him.
He started running and running and soon the bear was right on top of him and his paw was on top of him like he was going to swat him but suddenly he saw this big light appear and said; “For all these years you have despised me and now you call for my help.”
The atheist said, “I’m sorry God. If you can’t help me, can’t you at least turn the bear into a Christian?
Then the light disappeared.
Then the bear knelt down and said, “Bless me Lord for this meal I’m about to receive!”
A guy stumbles through the front door of a bar, ambles up to the bartender and orders a beer.
The bartender looks at the drunk man and says,”I’m sorry sir, but I can’t serve you…you’ve already had too much to drink.”
The guy swears and walks out of the bar.
Five minutes later the guy comes flying through the side door of the bar, and yells for a beer.
Again the bartender says,”I’m sorry, sir…but I can’t serve you…you’ve already had too much to drink!”
Ten minutes later, the same guy comes barrel-assing through the back door of the bar, storms up to the bartender, and demands a beer.
Again, the bartender says to the man…”I’m really sorry, sir, but you’ve had too much to drink…you’re going to have to leave!”
The guy looks quizzically at the bartender and says finally, “My God, man… How many bars do you work at?!”
A man leaves a bar, gets into his car and drives away.
A mile down the road, he's stopped by a police officer.
The officer walked up to the driver's side window holding a Breathalyzer and said: "Good evening sir. We're testing for drunk driving. Would you please blow into this machine?"
The man says: "Sorry officer, but I can't do that. I have asthma. If I blow in that machine, I will get out of air."
"Okay, fine. I need you to come down to the station to give a blood sample", said the officer.
"I can't do that. I have anemia and if you stick a needle in me I will bleed to death."
"Well, then we need a u**... sample."
"I'm sorry officer, I can't do that either. I am also a diabetic. If I do that I'll get really low blood sugar."
"Alright... then you'll have to get out and walk 5 yards along this white line."
"I can't do that either, officer."
The officer was getting irritated... "And why not?"
"Because I'm dead drunk."
Once upon a time, my wife and I were in the local restaurant.
We have talked to each other, but after a while, I have become quiet and then I started to talk, I have said: "you know, I love you so much, I will never leave you, never, ever, every single day I think only of you, we will be always together."
My wife has asked me: "Oh, darling, these words were addressed to me?"
I have said only: "Oh, no, sorry, darling, this time I am talking to this bottle of beer."
Sorry, I'm out of my mind at the moment, please leave a message and I'll get back to you as soon as possible.
This guy takes his sick parrot to the vet...
The vet takes one look and says, "I'm afraid your parrot is dead."
"That's terrible," says the guy, "How can you so sure? I'd like a second opinion."
The Vet then opens the door and whistles. A Labrador bounds into the room, hops up onto the table, takes time sniffing at the parrot, looks up and whines sadly.
I'm afraid it's confirmed says the vet. The guy looks at the vet and says But my 5 year old daughter loves this parrot! Please! Are you 100% sure?
The Vet replies We can do one final test . He whistles again and a cat comes into the room and springs up onto the table. T he cat walks up and down the table looking intently at the parrot, then meows sadly and leaves.
"Well I'm terribly sorry Mr Jones but there can be no doubt about it. Polly is dead."
"Well, it's terrible news. Thank you for your time. How much do I owe you?"
"That comes to eight hundred pounds please."
"What?" cried the man in shock, "Why so much?"
"Well" Said the Vet, "Quick, accurate diagnoses don't come cheap. Ordinarily it would nearer to two hundred. What pushed the price up was the Lab report and Cat scan!"
Sorry if this is a repost but I'm new here
Why are hurricanes named after women's?
Because they're wild and wet when they come but when they leave, they take the house and car.
A man and woman live in a two story house.
A man and woman live in a two story house and sleep on the second floor. At 3 a.m. they're awakened by a knock at the front door. The man goes to the window, opens it and looks down but can't see anyone.
"Who's out there?" he asks.
A voice says, "Please help me. I need a push."
"I'm sorry," the man says. "I'm not leaving my house at this hour."
He gets back into bed. His wife says, "Honey, don't you remember when our daughters were stuck in that bad part of Oakland at 3 in the morning, and if that stranger didn't give them a jumpstart, they would been there for hours?"
"Yeah, you're right," the man says. He gets out of bed and returns to the window. "Are you still down there?" he asks.
"Yes."
"Do you still need that push?"
"Yes."
"Where are you?" the man asks.
"I'm over here on your swings."
Tiger Woods playing golf.
Sorry if this is a repost, but I found this one quite funny.
Tiger Woods is practicing golf one day, surrounded by fans and media. While he's practicing, an amateur
golfer confidently walks up to him and challenges him to a match. Tiger knew he'd win, so he agrees thinking that it would be a fun break from serious practice. "OK," the amateur says, "Since I'm an amateur and you're a pro, you'll have to allow me two gotchas". Tiger didn't know what a gotchas is, but he didn't ask because he thought he'd win regardless of what handicap is placed on him. The fans and media leave the two alone so they can play in peace.
A few hours later, the two come out of the golf course and it turns out that Tiger Woods lost. The fans and media surrounded him wanting to know what happened. Tiger says, "I was starting the first hole, concentrating to tee off, you know, deep in thought. Right when I was about to drive the ball, he ran up from behind, grabbed my nuts and squeezed them tight while loudly screaming 'GOTCHA!!' can you imagine me trying to play eighteen holes waiting for the next gotcha?"
C, Eb, and G walk into a "bar"
The bartender says, "Sorry, but we don't serve minors" So E-Flat leaves and C and G have an open 5th between them.
After a few drinks the 5th is diminished and the G is out flat. An F comes in and tries to augment the situation but is not sharp enough. A D comes into the bar and heads straight for the bathroom saying,*Excuse me, I'll just be a second"
An A comes into the bar but the bartender is not convinced this realtive of C is not a minor. Then the bartender notices a B-Flat hiding at the end of the bar and excalims, "Get out now! You're the seventh minor I've found in the bar tonight." The E-Flat is not easily deflated, comes back to the bar the next night in a 3-piece suit with nicely shined shoes. The bartender who used to have a nice coporate job until his company downsized, says, "You're looking sharp tonight, come on in! This could be a major development." This proves to be the case as the E-Flat takes off the suit and everything else and stands there au natural.
Eventually C sobers up and realizes in horror he is under a rest. The C is brought to trial, found guilty of contributing to the diminution of a minor, and is sentenced to 10 years of DS without Coda at an upscale correctional facility. On appeal, however, the C is found innocent of any wrong doing, even accidental, and that all accusations to the contrary are bassless.
3 guys go to heaven...
3 men go to Heaven. They are greeted by Saint Peter at the pearly gates. Saint Peter says to the 3 men, "Welcome to Heaven. There is only 1 rule in Heaven. Do not step on the ducks. God loves his ducks more than anything else, and you will be punished if you step on a duck." Saint Peter opens the gates, and lets the 3 men in. When they enter, they immediately notice that ducks are everywhere. They would have to be very careful not to step on the ducks.
A few days go by. One of the men accidentally steps on a duck. All of a sudden an angel appears and handcuffs the ugliest looking woman he has ever seen to him. The angel leaves.
A few weeks go by, and one of the other men steps on a duck. Again, an angel appears and handcuffs an extremely ugly woman to him.
The third man is very careful to never step on a duck. 3 years go by, and he never steps on a duck. One day an angel appears and handcuffs the most attractive, beautiful woman the man has ever seen to him. Before the man can question it, the angel disappears. The man looks over at the woman and says, "I don't know what I did, but it must have been something good." The woman replies, "I don't know about you, but I just stepped on a duck."
.
.
Sorry if this joke is really old. It is one my grandfather used to tell me this joke all the time. Just passing it along.
2 hearses.
One fall day Dave was out raking leaves when he noticed a hearse slowly drive by. Following the first hearse was a second hearse, which was followed by a man walking solemnly along, followed by a dog, and then about 200 men walking in single file. Intrigued, Dave went up to the man following the second hearse and asked him who was in the first hearse. "My wife," the man replied. "I'm sorry," said Dave. "What happened to her?" "My dog bit her and she died." Dave then asked who was in the second hearse. The man replied, "My mother-in-law. My dog bit her and she died as well." "Can I borrow your dog?" "Get in line." replied the man.
3 pieces of string walk into a bar..
3 pieces of string walk into a bar but the barman says "sorry, we don't serve pieces of string here", so they all leave. One of the pieces of string says to his friends "Hey, that's not fair, i'm going to go ask again". So he goes in but he is immediately stopped by the barman who says "Sorry, but we don't serve pieces of string here". The piece of string leaves and tells his friends. Then one of the othere pieces of string tassels his hair and tied himself into a knot and walks in. He is then told by the barman "Go away, we don't serve pieces of string!". The piece of string replies "No, i'm afraid not!"
Too soon.
I was sitting at the bar babying my drink and I turn to notice a beautiful woman sitting alone in the corner. She seems solemn and desperate. I can't help but feel like there is something I can do to help so I approach her table. Walking toward her I notice a tear rolling down her face.
Are you alright? I ask.
No, I have recently lost someone very close to me, she replies burying her face in her hands as the tears stream from her eyes.
I'm very sorry to hear about your loss, would you like me to leave?
Actually I could use some company, but could we go somewhere more private? Nothing about this seems right but before I stop to gather my thoughts the words were already out.
My place is not far from here, I said with nervous excitement. Opening my front door she is all over me, we fall onto the couch kissing and groping. My hand slides to her inner thigh, she pushes me away with a look of disgust.
Is something wrong? I blurt feeling foolish and confused.
This just doesn't feel right, it's too soon, she said looking down with mauled eyes. Without thinking I ask,
Are you a lesbian? she glares wide eyed as her vulnerable demeanor quickly turns to rage, she slides a knife from her boot and replies
No, I'm a necrophile.
Do you have bread?
A big intimidating man walks into a barber shop and asks the barber "Do you have bread?" Confused, the barber replies "Sir, this is a barber shop, not a store." After hearing this the man immediately punches the barber and just leaves.
Again the next day the same man walks into the barber shop and again asks the barber "Do you have bread?" Frightened he might get punched again the barber politely says "I am sorry sir, but this is a barber shop. We don't have bread." But the man proceeds to punch the barber and leaves.
The next day, the barber brought a variety of bread to the shop and waited for the man. Sure enough he walks in and the barber says "Oh sir you are here. We have a variety of bread for you today. Which one would you like to buy?" Then the man responds "I just got bread from the pharmacy down the street. Do you have eggs?"
The f**... Dog
A Jewish man was leaving a convenience store with his espresso when he noticed a most unusual Italian f**... procession approaching the nearby cemetery. A black hearse was followed by a second black hearse about 50 feet behind the first one. Behind the second hearse was a solitary Italian man walking a dog on a leash. Behind him, a short distance back, were about 200 men walking single file. The man couldn't stand the curiosity. He respectfully approached the Italian man walking the dog and said:
"I am so sorry for your loss, and this may be a bad time to disturb you, but I've never seen an Italian f**... like this. Whose f**... is it?"
"My wife's."
''What happened to her?"
"She yelled at me and my dog attacked and killed her."
He inquired further, "But who is in the second hearse?"
The Italian man answered, "My mother-in-law. She was trying to help my wife when the dog turned on her."
A very poignant and touching moment of Jewish and Italian brotherhood and silence passed between the two men...
The Jewish man then asked "Can I borrow the dog?"
The Italian man replied, "Get in line."
So 4 guys are talking in a bar.
So 4 guys are talking in a bar, one leaves to go to the restroom while the others continue to talk. They start talking about the success of their sons, the first man says "my son's car company is so successful he was able to get his best friend a new Ferrari for his birthday." The second man boasts "well my son's real estate company is so successful he was able to give his best friend a new house for his birthday." The third man says "my son's airline company is so successful he was able to give his best friend a private jet for his birthday. The forth man comes back from the restroom and asks what everyone is talking about, they reply back "we're just talking about the success of our sons." The forth man says "oh, my son is a gay stripper," the other three men feel sorry for him and apologize, but the forth man simply says "don't worry about it, it's not that bad, for his birthday he got a new ferrari, house, and a private jet from his three boyfriends."
try the chili
A man walks into a restaurant. He asks the waitress for an order of chili.The waitress points to a man at the the table next to him and says, "sorry, that guy over there got the last bowl. Is there anything else I can get for you?
The man replies," let me think about it for a little bit longer, I was really looking forward to the chili." After the waitress leaves he looks over and notices the other guy's bowl is totally full and he's not even touching it. So he leans over and say," hey I noticed you haven't eaten much of that chili, you mind if I have some?"
The guy responds, " sure, have the whole thing."
So the man takes the bowl and starts chowing down. He gets about halfway when his spoon hits something hard. He looks in the bowl and sees a dead mouse and he pukes the chili back up in the bowl. Then the other guy leans over and says, " that's about as far as I got too."
A C, an E-flat, and a G go into a bar...
A C, an E-flat, and a G go into a bar. The bartender says: "Sorry, but we don't serve minors." So, the E-flat leaves, and the C and the G have an open fifth between them.
After a few drinks, the fifth is diminished and the G is out flat. An F comes in and tries to augment the situation, but is not sharp enough.
A D comes into the bar and heads straight for the bathroom saying, "Excuse me. I'll just be a second."
An A comes into the bar, but the bartender is not convinced that this relative of C is not a minor. Then the bartender notices a B-flat hiding at the end of the bar and exclaims: "Get out now! You're the seventh minor I've found in this bar tonight."
Eventually, the C sobers up, and realizes in horror that he's under a rest.
The C is brought to trial, is found guilty of contributing to the diminution of a minor, and is sentenced to 10 years of DS without Coda at an upscale correctional facility.
A duck walks into a bar
He goes up to the bartender and asks, "Got any grapes?" The bartender replies, "No, sorry, this is a bar. We don't have any grapes." The duck turns and leaves.
The next day the duck returns to the bar and again asks the bartender, "Got any grapes?" The bartender, slightly flustered at this point, says, "No. This is a bar. We do not have grapes, we have never had grapes, and we will almost definitely never have grapes. The duck turns and leaves.
The following day, the duck once again returns to the bar and once more asks the bartender, "Got any grapes?" The bartender shouts, "No! We do not have any grapes! And the next time you ask I swear I will nail your beak to this bar!" The duck quickly waddles away in fright.
A day later, the duck cautiously approaches the bar. As the bartender glares, the duck asks, "Got any nails?" With a surprised and confused expression, the bartender replies, "No..." With a pleased expression, the duck responds, "Good. Got any grapes?"
Hollande, Putin and Merkel sit on a plane to visit Obama.
They didn´t get the permission to land so they arrive an hour late. Hollande steps out first shaking Obama´s hand and saying "I´m sorry for being late.". Second Putin steps out of the plane greeting Obama and adding "I´m sorry for being late, too.". Last one leaving the plane is Merkel and she walks to Obama and says "I´m sorry for being late, three."
Heard this joke a few years back when it was still Bush and Sarcozy and thought it was quite good at mocking our talent for the English language (i am German myself).
There once was a big, strong bull...
There once was this big, strong bull. Had a ring in his nose, big horns and he went by the name of Hannibal. He had a field to himself with green grass, small dandelions and a fence. One day, the farmer brings some pretty cute cows and puts them in the field next to Hannibal.
So the bull walks up to the barbed wire and checks out the pretty ladies on the other side. He knows that he would like to get to know them a bit better - if you know what I mean - , but there is this fence between them. So he waits until the farmer leaves, takes a long run and jumps over the fence into the other field.
The cows look all startled and giggle: "O my, Hannibal... how did you get in here?"
He winks: "Just call me Hanni, honey... The rest I left hanging in the barbed wire."
- Sorry for the English, it is not my first language.
Checks and pants
A middle aged man and a hot young girl step into a jewelery store. The man asks the jeweler to show the girl his finest rings. The jeweler obliged does so and after some consideration the girl picks one of the most expensive ones. At the point the man proceeds to write off a check for the ring; the jeweler interjects "I'm sorry Sir! We do not take checks". The man then tells the jeweler, "I understand your concern. I'll tell you what, cash the check in and my sweet Maria will pass and pick up the ring tomorrow". The jeweler sees no problems with that and Maria seems to be exhilarated at the thought of getting such a ring. They both leave the jewelery store in a rather passionate way.
The next morning the jeweler calls the man: "Sir! There seems to be a problem with your check! Apparently the account lack the funds to cash it in". The man at that point replies, "Forget the ring. I already got into her pants!"
A man brings his dead dog along for an international flight
The check-in attendant tells him:
"Sir, I'm sorry, but you're going to have to leave either your dog or your backpack."
"What? Why can't I bring both?"
"Rules say only one carrion per customer."
Little Johnny
It's spelling bee day and Teacher has it down to three students remaining, Chloe, Jimmy and Little Johnny.
"Chloe, could you spell solidify?"
"Solidify, S...O...L...I...D...I...F...Y, solidify."
"Correct, Chloe. Could you use it in a sentence?"
"OK. Um, in order to turn water into ice, you must solidify it by leaving it in the freezer."
"Very good Chloe. Now Jimmy, would you like to spell integrity for me?"
"Integrity. Let's see, I...N...T...E...G...R...I...T........E, integrity."
"I'm sorry Jimmy, that's incorrect, but good try."
"And now, Little Johnny, I'd like you to spell asinine."
"Uhhh, asinine, A...S...I...uh...N...I...N......E, asinine."
"Correct! Can you use it in a sentence?"
Little Johnny paused for a moment and replied, "You're a very pretty lady, miss. Your face is beautiful, your lips are red and inviting, your eyes could light up a thousand rooms, but I give that asinine!"
Jane Smith
John Smith's wife, Jane, was very ill, so John brought her to the hospital, where he left her overnight. He returned the next day to pick her up, and the Doctor approached him. "Good morning, Doctor. How is Jane?" The Doctor responded, "Sir, we had a little mixup last night. There were two women that checked in last night named Jane Smith. One was diagnosed with AIDS and the other with Alzheimer's. We are so sorry. We don't know which disease your wife has." John is distraught. "What should I do Doctor?" The doctor looked very grave as he said, "John, leave your wife very far from home, and if she finds her way back, don't sleep with her."
A rubbish collector knocks on the door of a house that didn't leave their bin outside and an Asian man answers the door
>"Excuse me mate, where's ya bin?"
>"I bin Hong Kong!"
>"No where's ya wheelie bin?"
>"I wheelie bin Hong Kong!"
Sorry it's an old joke I heard as a kid!
A duck walks into a hardware store...
He asks the clerk, "Do you got any grapes?"
The clerk looks at the duck confused and says "Well, no this is a hardware store."
The duck shrugs it off and leaves.
The next day the duck returns to the hardware store, looks around and asks the clerk, "Do you got any grapes?"
The clerk kind of irritated asks the duck to leave, as there are obviously no grapes being sold at a hardware store. Ever.
Lo and behold the following day the duck enters the same hardware store and asks the clerk "Do you have any grapes?"
The clerk, having had enough of this tells the duck, "If you ever set foot in this hardware store asking for grapes again, I'm going to staple your beak shut!"
The duck leaves, only to come walking right back in moments later and asks, "Do you have any staples?"
The clerk looks at the staples shelf, "Hmmm, sorry we are all out"
The duck looks at the clerk, "Do you have any grapes?"
Blonde attempts s**...
One day she comes home and says "Today is the day I will hang myself." She leaves behind a s**... note for her husband on the table which read "I'm sorry honey, I cannot go on any longer." The husband comes home and sees the note and runs outside in a panic. He sees his wife hanging from a tree. "Honey, what are you doing? Come down from there!" With which she replied "No! I'm hanging myself!" The husband says "Why is the rope around your waist? It's supposed to go around your neck!" To which she replies "I tried that! I couldn't breathe!"
Employee's leave plan
Employee : Sir, my father died I need leave for a week.
Employer: sure.
After 6 months...
Employee : Sir, my mother died I need leave for a week.
Employer: okay .
After 6 months...
Employee : Sir, my father died I need leave for a week.
Employer: go on .
After 6 months...
Employee : Sir, my mother died I need leave for a week.
Employer: approved .
After 6 months...
Employee : Sir, my father died I need leave for a week.
Employer: you can take the leave.
After 6 months...
Employee : Sir, my mother died I need leave for a week.
Employer: What is going on? Do you think I am a fool? Every six months either your father dies or your mother. How many parents do you have?
Employee : Sir it's not my fault. When my mother dies, my father marries someone and when my father dies, my mother marries someone
Sorry for bad English
After 6 months...
A piece of string walks into a bar...
The bartender says, "We don't serve no scrawny pieces of string in here."
The piece of string leaves, goes around back, ties himself up, ruffles his hair and re-enters the bar.
The bartender says, "Say aren't you that sorry piece of string that I told to beat it?"
The string replies, "frayed knot."
The Irishman and the three beers
An Irishman moves to the us, on his first day he goes looking for a bar and finds one he likes once he enters he orders three beers, he drinks the beer, pays and leaves. He keeps doing this for a week then the bartender asks him:
* Sir why do you always drink three beers at once instead of ordering one beer at a time?
To what the Irish answers:
* Well my brothers and I used to have a daily beer back in Ireland and now that live here I drink mine and one for each of my brothers
The bartender leaves the man alone and he becomes a regular going daily for years, everyone who visited the bar knew about the Irishman and his three beers but one day he enters the bar and orders 2 beers, everyone gets quiet and the bartender says:
* I'm sorry for your loss, your brother is in a better place now
To what the Irishman responded:
* My brothers are fine I just quit drinking
Sorry, tuba players...
A father decides to put his son in a music class. The teacher assigns him the tuba and the dad goes home, leaving his kid there.
When the child comes home, the dad asks "What did you do today?"
The child said "I learned how to play the C Note!"
The next day, the dad asks "What did you do today?"
The child said "I learned how to play the G Note!"
The next day, the dad asks "What did you do today?"
"I joined the orchestra!"
A man walks up to Parliament Hall...
Man: I need to speak to Prime Minister Harper immediately!
Guard: I'm sorry sir, Steven Harper is no longer the Prime Minister of Canada.
##The man leaves. The next day, the man comes back again.
Man: Please, I need to speak to Prime Minister Harper!
Guard: Like I told you yesterday sir, Steven Harper is no longer the Prime Minister of Canada.
##The man once again leaves. On the third day, he's back again.
Man: I need to speak to Prime Minister Harper!
The guard says: Sir, why do you keep coming back? This is the third time I'm telling you, Steven Harper is no longer the Prime Minister of Canada.
The man replies: I know, I just can't get tired of hearing you say that
What drink did the Karate Master order?
Wa-tah!
Haha. I'll leave now...
(Sorry if already posted. I searched a little bit but found nothing.)
A man decided to rest after taking a drive...
And goes to sleep in his car. Minutes later a cyclist knocks on his window, waking him up and asks, "Excuse me, do you know what the time is?".The man replies, Sorry, I don't know the time." After going back to sleep, he is awoken again by a jogger, who asks, "Sorry, but do you know what the time is?". The man, quite annoyed, says " I don't know what the time is!" After the jogger leaves, them man makes a sign saying "I do not know what the time is!", leaves it in his window and goes back to sleep. Then, again there is a knock on the window and standing there is a Scout. "What is it you want?", asks the man. The boy replies, "The time's 5:43."
I was really hesitant about this new haircut at first....
...but I'm starting to like it you know. It's really growing on me.
Sorry I'll leave now.
A young couple were killed in an accident on the day before their wedding.
When they arrived at the Pearly Gates, St. Peter asked if there was anything he could do to make being in heaven even more pleasant. So they said that they are good Christians and never had s**... before, explained about dying the day before their wedding and asked if it was possible to be married in heaven, so they can sleep together. "No problem," said St Peter, "leave it with me."
A hundred years or so later they met St Peter and asked about the wedding. "Everything is being arranged," he assured them.
Another hundred years passed, and they met St Peter again. They reminded him about the wedding and said, "We know that in heaven, time is of no consequence, but we have been waiting over two hundred years." St Peter replied, "I am sorry. All the arrangements were made the day after you arrived and there is only one thing preventing us from having the wedding..... We're waiting on a minister!"
What did the buddhist monk say when he was asked if he was leaving?
Na 'ma stay. (namaste)
Grandfather joke at Easter dinner last sunday. Sorry.
What happens when the PS and XBOX servers go down?
The ambulance comes lights and sirens, "WII-U WII-U WII-U"
I'm sorry, I'll leave now ._.
An egg voted to leave the omelet..
and then.. it.. did..
yeah, sorry its just too scrambled.
there's no way to get a good yolk out of this mess..
An old arab in the USA want's to plant potatoes,...
... but being the old age that he is, he cannot. He is sad, so he writes an e-mail to his son, whose studying in London.
"Hello, Ahmad, I'm sad. I'd want to plant potatoes, but I'm old and weak"
The son replies soon:
"DAD, DO NOT DIG IN THE GARDEN!! YOU'LL FIND THE THING!!!"
A week passes, and FBI agents arrive at his house. They dig through every centimetre in the garden, but they found nothing. They leave. The old arab wants to write his son about what happened,when he finds an e-mail from him.
"Hello father, your garden is probably prepared for potatoes. That's all I can do from here. Bye, Ahmad."
E: sorry for spelling, english is my 2nd language
What's more annoying than a monkey trying to steal your banana?
Working at a Tesco supermarket in Produce, putting out loose bananas on display, and while trying to do so, customers keep barging their way in to you and remove the lovely bananas you just put there and leave with a remark on the lines of, "Sorry, I'm just going to ruin your display, HA HA".
I've decided to leave my past behind me..
So if I owed you money- I'm sorry but I've moved on.
A man walked in to a diner
He sat down and ordered bacon, eggs, toast, and a coffee. The waitress said "I'm sorry sir, but we don't serve toast here."
He got up and said "well if you don't serve toast, I must leave at once."
He was lack-toast intolerant.
If Donald Trump becomes president, he pledges to prohibit the sales of pre-grated cheese....
Apparently it's in a bid to make America grate again!
(*I'm sorry i'll leave now*)
A blonde walks in on her husband cheating on her
Sobbing uncontrollably, she pulls out the gun from the drawer and puts the barrel under her chin.
"No, honey! Don't! I'm sorry; don't leave me alone with the kids!"
Glaring through her tears, the blonde yells:
"Oh, don't worry. You're going to be next."
A piece of string walks into a bar...
And asks for a Beer.
The barman says: "I'm sorry we don't serve pieces of string".
So the piece of string walks outside, ruffles himself up, walks back into the bar and says: "Can I have a Beer please".
The barman replies: "Aren't you that piece of string I just asked to leave".
To which the piece of string replies: "No, I'm a frayed knot".
Why did the T-Rex's girlfriend leave him?
Because he said he only loved her this much (hold out t-rex like arms)
Sorry this one requires a bit of a visual, but I thought you guys might like it
A blonde wants to buy a new TV
She goes into a store, makes her choice and asks an assistant "How much does this TV cost?"
The assistant looks at her and says "Sorry ma'am I'm afraid we don't sell to blondes." Confused and irritated, the blonde leaves the store. Determined to buy a TV, she dyes her hair black and goes back a week later. She goes to checkout and says "I'd like to buy this TV." The cashier looks up at her and says "sorry ma'am, but we don't sell to blondes."
"But how did you know I was a natural blonde? And why won't you sell me this TV, just because I'm a blonde?"
"Because that's a microwave, ma'am"
Teacher makes a call to her student
to inform him:"I'm busy tomorrow, so our class will be off". The student makes a phone call to his dad:"I'm off tomorrow, let's go picnic". Dad makes a phone call to his secretary immediately:"Hey, I'm busy tomorrow, let's date someday else". The secretary makes a phone call to her husband:"Hey honey, I won't be going to the business trip tomorrow, let's hang out". The husband makes a phone call to the teacher:"Hey, Sorry, my wife won't be leaving tomorrow, we can't meet". The teacher calls the student:"Forget what I said. Tomorrow we go to school"
Grandma's Apple Pie
An old man is dying, with his young grandson by his bedside. He asks his grandson to lean over and whispers "Johnny, I smell your grandma's apple pie. Looks like she took it of the oven. Go to the kitchen and bring me a piece. It's my favorite."
Johnny gets up and leaves. 2 minutes later he comes back empty handed and says "Sorry, grandpa, but grandma says its for after the f**...."
Guy comes home and finds a note on the fridge..
..from his wife. It says "I'm sorry honey, it's not working. I'm leaving, I'll be at my sisters".
Guy is a bit confused, so he opens the fridge and the light comes on. He says "that's weird, seems to be working fine to me. Seems a bit dramatic?"
A Hindu, a Christian, A Sikh, an atheist, and a Buddhist walk into a clinic...
One of them is called to see the doctor, he goes in, and after a while leaves the clinic. After that, everyone else was angry because they had not received service from the doctor. They ask the nurse standing outside why this is so, to which she said: "I'm sorry, we only serve the sikh."
Two men are walking through the desert
They've been walking for days and have run out of water. In the distance they see a small market place and run as fast as they can to the first stall. "Please" they beg "we've been walking through the desert for days, we need water."
The vendor replies "I'm sorry, all I have is custard, cake and jelly".
The men try the next stall, " We've been walking for days, do you have any water" the second vendor replies "I'm sorry, all I sell is custard, cake, and jelly".
Stall after stall, every vendor in the market tells them they have only custard, cake and jelly.
As the men leave the market one turns to the other and says " Well, that was a trifle bazaar."
What did the ladybug realtor say?
What did the ladybug realtor say?
"My home is in escarole."
I'm sorry, I'll leave.
A bunch of chess players are in a hotel lobby discussing their recent victories.
The manager comes up to them and says, Sorry gentlemen, I'm going to have to ask you all to leave immediately!
Leave? Why? They asked.
The manager responded If there's one thing I can't stand, it's chess nuts boasting in an open foyer
A man was camping when suddenly a wild boar appeared
A man was camping when suddenly a wild boar appeared. It charged at the man and trampled him leaving him inches from death then trashed his campsite.
When the man recovered a bit, he used all the energy he could muster and called 911.
Dispatcher: "911 Emergency, what is your situation?"
Him: "A pig just destroyed everything and I think I'm about to die"
Dispatcher: "Sorry, there's nothing we can do about your wife. Try calling marriage counseling instead."
A blonde walks into a shop and asks the worker how much for this tv?
The worker replies sorry we don't sell to blondes.
So she leaves, goes home and dyes her hair, and comes back to the store a brunette. She then asks the worker again how much for this tv?
He again replies with sorry, we don't sell to blondes.
So she goes home yet again, dyes her hair red, and walks back to the store and asks how much for this tv?
The worker responds yet again with sorry, we don't sell to blondes
The woman, in anger replies with HOW CAN YOU TELL IM A BLONDE??!!
The man calmly states that's not a tv, it's a microwave.
A man wants his house painted white while he's on vacation.
Looking through the newspaper he sees an ad for the Wong Brothers Painting Company.
He hires the Wong Brothers to paint his house white as he's preparing to leave for the week.
When his vacation is over he comes home and his house is *pink*.
Angry, he goes to the Wong Brothers and begs the question "*Why is my house pink?! I strictly asked for you to paint it white!*"
The Wong Brothers reply "Sorry, two Wongs don't make it white".
Credit to my father.
A drunk man goes into a restaurtant
A drunk man goes into a restaurtant. He tells the waiter: "I'll have one portion of Carbonara and 2 beers."
The waiter tells him: "Sorry, we don't serve drunk people. Please leave."
The man angrily leaves, comes back 15 minutes later and says: "I'll have one portion of Carbonara and 2 beers."
The waiter tells him again: "Sorry sir, I already told you. We don't serve drunk people. Please leave."
The man leaves again, comes back 20 minutes later and says: "I'll have one portion of Carbonara and 2 beers."
The waiter shouts at him: "Get out of here now! I told you 2 times already: WE DON'T SERVE DRUNK PEOPLE!"
The man asks him: "Dude, is there a restaurant you don't work at?"
I've decided to leave the past behind me
So if I owe anyone anything, I'm so sorry. I've moved on..l
A blond man walks into a bar
He sees a very attractive woman sitting by herself, so he goes over to introduce himself.
"Hello miss, my name is Billy. Can I buy you a drink?"
She says, "I'm Amanda."
The man says, "Oh, I'm sorry to bother you, sir." and leaves.
A piece of string walks into a bar
The bar tender says sorry we don't serve you kind round here
The string leaves, twists himself up, parts his hair and walks back into the bar,
The bartender says sorry aren't you the same guy from before
The string replies I'm a frayed knot
I gave my dwarf friend a call but it rang through to his answering machine.
"Hey! I'm sorry I can't reach the phone right now, please leave a message!"
A man takes his family to the courtyard to see a beheading
He arrives, but no one is one the stage besides the guards. A half hour later, the headsman arrived on the stage.
I'm terribly sorry about the wait. I hope it didn't cause any of you to lose your heads, the headsman says, and chuckles a little to himself at his joke.
The beheading proceeds according to plan, and as the man leaves, the jester stops him.
Good sir, I may ask you a question. I'm thinking of perusing a career in comedy. What did you think of my joke?
The man thinks for a second, and responds The timing is was off, but the execution was incredible!
I got kicked off my bowling team the other day
I managed to knock all the pins down on my first two turns. Then on my third turn I did it again and the leader of the team turned to me and said "Sorry, you're going to have to leave the team".
Apparently they have a three strike policy.
A woman calls her gynecologist: "Doctor, did I by any chance, leave my p**... at your clinic?"
Doctor looks around, doesn't see them and answers "Sorry, no."
"Ok, then it must be at the dentist's!"
How does a mathematician get revenge?
A mathematician came home and told his wife, sorry honey, but I'm leaving you for my 18 year old assistant. I'll be home in a few hours and I'd like for you to be gone.
He got back home and found a note that read, hi honey, I've left and decided to run off with the 18 year old pool boy. We are both 54 years old, and I think you'll figure out as a mathematician that 18 goes into 54 more times than 54 goes into 18.
A mathematician came home and told his wife, sorry honey, but I'm leaving you for my 18 year old assistant. I'll be home in a few hours and I'd like for you to be gone.
He got back home and found a note that read, hi honey, I've left and decided to run off with the 18 year old pool boy. We are both 54 years old, and I think you'll figure out as a mathematician that 18 goes into 54 more times than 54 goes into 18.
Does anyone know what a manocleptiac is ?
A person who walks into a store backwards and leaves stuff on the counter ! Sorry
A boy knocks his father down the stairs in a freak accident.
The father breaks his neck and dies, leaving his son to mourn for days. However, one night, the boy wakes up to see an apparition of his father before him. All at once, he breaks down crying, and screams out, "I'm sorry!"
His father responds, "Hi Sorry, I'm dead!"
A man takes his wife to get tested for Coronavirus.
2 days later he gets a call from the lab.
Doctor: I'm sorry to inform you sir that your wife's test results have been mixed up with another patient's. We're not sure if she has COVID-19 or Alzheimer's disease.
Man: So what am I supposed to do now?!
Doctor: I'd recommend taking her for a long walk and leaving her, if she finds her way back home, don't open the door.
