Sons And Daughters Jokes

The father with his daughter are taking a walk to a public place of their town;
"Ann! Why are you so nervously looking around?" observes the father.
"How else can I find you a really good son in law, dad?"

A couple placed an ad: "Have 4 sons, need advice on how to get a daughter."
Responses:
American: "Keep trying!"
Briton: "Change Doctor!"
Aussie: "Follow a special diet."
Indian: "Practice yoga!"
Pinoy: "Let me try!"

My son was just born and another dad at the nursery congratulated me and said his daughter was born yesterday. He said; maybe they'll marry each other.

Sure, like my son is going to marry someone twice his age...

So a guy lies on his death bed.

An old man is on his death bed. His entire family is by his side. He asks his daughter "Anna, are you there?" His daughter Anna says "yes father im here." The man then asks " What about my son is he here?" His son says "yes im here." "What about my grandkids," the old man said, growing more raspy. "We are here too grandpa," the grandkids said. "Everyone is here, arent they," he says, "Then why is the kitchen light on?"

Don't let your teenage son or daughter drink too many calorific bedtime drinks.

You may end up with an oval teen.

A man is lying on his death bed...

And he decides to share his will.
"My daughter, you get the high rises," he says,
"My son, you get everything south of the river," he says,
"And my wife, you get everything else."
Then he dies.
After this, the nurse says to his wife, "Wow, that sure was a lot of properties.
The wife says, "Properties? That was his paper route!"

A man's daughter comes out as a lesbian.

The father, being open-minded, congratulates her on her confidence and doesn't complain. A month later, his other daughter comes out as a lesbian. Slightly annoyed, the father maintains himself and lets her know that he doesn't mind. Still another month later, the man's third daughter comes out as a lesbian. The man is mad now, and yells, "isn't there anyone in this house that likes men?"
From the kitchen, his son yells back, "I do!"

My 3 years old son told this joke to my 1 year old daughter...

Mathematicians would say the simple harmonic oscillator is the only problem that physicists understand. This is untrue... but a good approximation.

21st Century

I was visiting my son and daughter-in-law last night when I asked if I could borrow a newspaper.
"This is the 21st century, old man," he said. "We don't waste money on newspapers. Here, you can borrow my iPad."
I can tell you, that friggin' fly never knew what hit it ...

Son told his dad he loves the girl next door

"Son, you can't love her. She's my secret daughter with another wife."
"But dad, what about the other girl next next door?"
"Sorry, son. She's also my secret daughter with the other wife."
Son walks away with tears in his eyes after knowing the truth. Mom heard it all and approaches to him
"Honey, you can love the girls next door if you want to. You're not your dad's son anyway."

An Englishman, an Irishman and a Scotsman are drinking in a bar...

-You know - says the Englishman - I have 10 sons. That is almost a soccer team.
-That's nothing. - says the Irishman - I have 14 sons. That is almost a rugby team.
-Well - says the Scotsman - I have 17 daughters. That is almost a golf course.

Why do birch trees only have daughters?

Cuz they kill the male birch trees. Nobody likes those sons of birches.

A psychologist addresses three mothers, telling them that he brought each of them there to reflect their life addictions.

To the first mother he says, "You have an addiction to sweets, as you named your daughter Candy."
To the second mother he says, "You have an addiction to gambling and money, hence your daughter is named Penny."
And before the psychologist could approach the final mother, she grabs her son by the arm and says "Come on, Richard, we're leaving."

ilove my family...

For his birthday, I gave my son an iPhone.
My daughter received an iPod for hers.
For my birthday, I was pleased to receive an iPad.
My mother was given an iMac for her birthday.
Thinking along the same lines, I got my wife an iRon. And that's when the fight started…

I have 10 sons and 2 daughters, and I gave the same name to all of them, Jamie...

...It's quite practical, she said, if I need to wake them up I just shout "wake up Jamie!". If I need them to eat I just say "Jamie! Dear, dinner is ready!". They all obey simultaneously.
The interviewer asks "So how do you refer to them when you need to speak to one of them specifically?"
Easy - she replied - I call them by their lastname!

A jew in his deathbed...

A jew in his deathbed is surrounded by his family. He asks if the wife is there; she was. He asks if his son was there; he was. He asked if his daughter was there, and she was.
As he finds out everyone's there, he has a heart attack. His final words were:
-Why... is no one... in the shop...

Two moms were talking about their kids in college.

Mom 1: I'm worried about my son. He asks me for money everyday. Who knows what he is spending?
Mom 2: Thats nothing. I'm more worried about my daughter, who never asked me for any money at all.

Catholic

Three old Catholic men and one old Catholic woman were sitting a a table one morning. The first old man said, "My son is a priest, when he walks into a room people say Father." The second old man said, "My son is a Bishop, when he walks into a room people say Your Eminence." Third old man says, my son is the Pope, when he walks into a room people say Your Holiness." The old woman says,"My daughter has a 42 inch chest and a 24 inch waist, when she walks into a room people say 'JESUS'."

We have mothers-in-law, fathers-in-law, sons-in-law and daughters-in-law, but what is the wife?

The law.

So my family and I go past a nursing home...

There are balloons on the sign. My wife says "maybe someone had a birthday", my daughter says "maybe it's for a fundraiser", and then my son says "maybe someone they didn't like died and they are celebrating"

My son Luke loves how I named all our children after Star Wars characters...

My daughter Chewbacca, not so much.

1st daughter - dad I am lesbian.

Dad - oh OK😒
2nd daughter - dad I am lesbian too.
Dad - ahh! Anyone in the family who loves man.
Son - yes dad I do

My young son and daughter asked me to stop sending them on camping trips by themselves.

Apparently, it was a little too intense.

I'm so proud of my kids.

My daughter is beautiful and intelligent, just like her Mom.
And my son is good looking and funny, just like the mail man.

Our daughter Rose loves that we named our children after things we love.

Our son Spaghettibolognese not so much.

So there comes a time in every married couple's life where the big question is asked.

So the husband turns to his wife and asks "Honey, do you want kids?"
The wife responds with "I'm not sure?"
After an hour of careful consideration and thought, the two came to a decision.
"So, we don't want kids." Said the husband. The wife agreed.
So they turned to their son and daughter, picked them up and kicked them out the door.

A man asks another "do you have a car?".

"Sorta", he replies.
"What do you mean?", asks the man.
"Well, it's my wife's car when she goes grocery shopping, it's my son's car when he goes to his girlfriend's, it's my daughter's car when she goes out at night and it's mine when it's out of gas!".

The happiest day of my life was the day my first son was born

This upset my nine-year-old daughter

How do you know when your daughters met a nice Greek man?

When he takes her out at least twice before he bones your son

I turned to my wife beaming with pride and said, Wow! I had no idea our son would go so far.

She said, Yeah. The catapult is amazing. Go get our daughter.

I've promised the wife we'll see all our sons and daughters this New Years Eve.

I'm going to unplug the wi-fi.

Driver instructor teaching a woman how to drive

Instructor : you're driving on the road and suddenly your husband, son and daughter cross the street, what do you step on?
Woman : i step on my husband
Instructor : no, this is third time i tell you "step on the brakes!"

Kids helping mom.

Father: What did you do today to help your mother?
Son: I dried the dishes
Daughter: And I helped pick up the pieces.

I told my family I was going to be on TV tonight

So we gathered in the living room and my wife, son, and young daughter were horrified to see me on To Catch a Predator .

Newman Bates went to his psychiatrist friend's house with his family

Newman Bates: Let me introduce you to everyone, this is my wife, Mrs. Bates, this is my daughter, Miss Bates, and my son, Master Bates
Friend: Does he now? Send him to my office, he'll turn out just fine.

After talking with his girlfriend Kim, Steve reluctantly decided it was best to ask for her father's permission to get married.

"So," said Kim's father, "you want to be my son-in-law, do you?"
Not particularly, " Steve responded, "but if I want to marry your daughter I haven't much choice, have I?"

What does the coach said to a player who just lost, same as what did a grandmother said to his son after birth of his daughter?

Well you can try again next year