Sons And Daughters Jokes

The father with his daughter are taking a walk to a public place of their town;
"Ann! Why are you so nervously looking around?" observes the father.
"How else can I find you a really good son in law, dad?"

My son was just born and another dad at the nursery congratulated me and said his daughter was born yesterday. He said; maybe they'll marry each other.

Sure, like my son is going to marry someone twice his age...

So a guy lies on his death bed.

An old man is on his death bed. His entire family is by his side. He asks his daughter "Anna, are you there?" His daughter Anna says "yes father im here." The man then asks " What about my son is he here?" His son says "yes im here." "What about my grandkids," the old man said, growing more raspy. "We are here too grandpa," the grandkids said. "Everyone is here, arent they," he says, "Then why is the kitchen light on?"

Three guys are talking about their families (likely a re-post)

Three men - Bob, Joe, and David - are bragging about their families. Bob and Joe are Catholic, and David is m**....
Joe says "I've got four athletic daughters. One more and I'll have a championship basketball team."
Bob responds "I've got eight athletic sons. One more and I'll have an all-Anerican baseball team."
David answers "I've got five beautiful wives. One more and I'll have a golf course."

A mother and son were washing dishes while...

...the father and daughter were watching TV in the family room.
Suddenly, there was a c**... of breaking dishes, then complete silence.
The girl looked at her dad and said, "It was Mom."
"How do you know?"
"She didn't say anything."

A little girl asks her father how she got her name

"well honey a rose petal landed on your head as we were carrying you out of the hospital, so we named you rose."
his younger daughter runs up to him "and how did i get my name daddy?"
"well honey a lily petal landed on your head as we were carrying you out of the hospital, so we named you lily."
his son comes runnign up to him and yells "huuuuuuuuuuur flugerr dhuuuur"
"shut up cinder block"

"Dad, i'm a lesbian."

Confesses the daughter.
Her younger sister shouts from the kitchen "Me too dad."
"g**..." Exclaims the father. "Will one of you bring a man to this house!?"
"I will, Dad." Says the son from his room.

Fat ugly guy and a girl

A dad showed his son and daughter a photo of a fat ugly guy and a pretty young s**... blonde having s**....
He said to the son: "if you study hard enough and this guy could be you no matter how ugly you are."
He then went to his daughter, showed the same photo and said: "this is what happens if you drop out of school"

21st Century

I was visiting my son and daughter-in-law last night when I asked if I could borrow a newspaper.
"This is the 21st century, old man," he said. "We don't waste money on newspapers. Here, you can borrow my iPad."
I can tell you, that friggin' fly never knew what hit it ...

Son told his dad he loves the girl next door

"Son, you can't love her. She's my secret daughter with another wife."
"But dad, what about the other girl next next door?"
"Sorry, son. She's also my secret daughter with the other wife."
Son walks away with tears in his eyes after knowing the truth. Mom heard it all and approaches to him
"Honey, you can love the girls next door if you want to. You're not your dad's son anyway."

An Englishman, an Irishman and a Scotsman are drinking in a bar...

-You know - says the Englishman - I have 10 sons. That is almost a soccer team.
-That's nothing. - says the Irishman - I have 14 sons. That is almost a rugby team.
-Well - says the Scotsman - I have 17 daughters. That is almost a golf course.

A mother has two daughters and a son.

A mother has two daughters and a son. One day her first daughter comes up to her and says: "Mother, why am I named Rose?", to which she replies: "That's because when you were a baby a rose landed on your head".
Her second daughter later comes up to her and says: "Mother, why am I called Petal?", to which she answers: "That's because when you were a baby a petal landed on your head".
Finally, her son approaches her and says: "BLUH NAH BUH BUH BLUH", and the mother says: "Shut up, Fridge".

A psychologist addresses three mothers, telling them that he brought each of them there to reflect their life addictions.

To the first mother he says, "You have an addiction to sweets, as you named your daughter Candy."
To the second mother he says, "You have an addiction to gambling and money, hence your daughter is named Penny."
And before the psychologist could approach the final mother, she grabs her son by the arm and says "Come on, Richard, we're leaving."

My 8 year old son made me laugh with a dad joke...

We were trying to decide where to eat, I offered up Buffalo Wild Wings, but my son and daughter were being indecisive. I finally said ok guys, make up your mind My son replied with a c**... grin "C'mon Mom we'll just wing it"...he then burst into laughter for five minutes....his fathers humor is really rubbing off on him.

ilove my family...

For his birthday, I gave my son an iPhone.
My daughter received an iPod for hers.
For my birthday, I was pleased to receive an iPad.
My mother was given an iMac for her birthday.
Thinking along the same lines, I got my wife an iRon. And that's when the fight started…

I have 10 sons and 2 daughters, and I gave the same name to all of them, Jamie...

...It's quite practical, she said, if I need to wake them up I just shout "wake up Jamie!". If I need them to eat I just say "Jamie! Dear, dinner is ready!". They all obey simultaneously.
The interviewer asks "So how do you refer to them when you need to speak to one of them specifically?"
Easy - she replied - I call them by their lastname!

"My first son has a PHD in arts, my daughter has two degrees in communication and jornalism and my youngest son is a burglar."

Friend: "Wow a burglar? You should kick him out!"
Dad: "Nah... he is the only one who makes money."

A jew in his deathbed...

A jew in his deathbed is surrounded by his family. He asks if the wife is there; she was. He asks if his son was there; he was. He asked if his daughter was there, and she was.
As he finds out everyone's there, he has a heart attack. His final words were:
-Why... is no one... in the shop...

Two moms were talking about their kids in college.

Mom 1: I'm worried about my son. He asks me for money everyday. Who knows what he is spending?
Mom 2: Thats nothing. I'm more worried about my daughter, who never asked me for any money at all.

"Dad, I'm a lesbian"

"That's okay", says her dad "We still have your sister."
"Sorry dad", says his second daughter "I'm lesbian, too"
Their father sighs: "So nobody here digs men?"
"I still do!" calls his son.

Catholic

Three old Catholic men and one old Catholic woman were sitting a a table one morning. The first old man said, "My son is a priest, when he walks into a room people say Father." The second old man said, "My son is a Bishop, when he walks into a room people say Your Eminence." Third old man says, my son is the Pope, when he walks into a room people say Your Holiness." The old woman says,"My daughter has a 42 inch chest and a 24 inch waist, when she walks into a room people say 'JESUS'."

I do not have a mother or a father, but my only son just married my daughter? Who is my son?

A r**....

Lesbian daughter

Daughter: dad I'm lesbian
2nd daughter: dad so am I!
Dad: Jesus Christ, does anyone in this house like men?
Son: I do!

A daughter walks up to her dad

And says
"Dad.. I'm lesbian".
Her sister standing behind her says
"Me too!"
The dad replies
"Does anybody in this house like boys?!"
"I do!" Says his son

The whole pack

This guy caught me having s**... with his daughter, and he was furious.
He said, "I'm not going to go easy on you, son. Nobody ever went easy on me. When I was a kid, my father caught me smoking a cigarette, and he made me smoke the whole pack right in front of him. When my mother caught me drinking whisky from the cabinet, she made me drink the entire bottle down to the last drop."
I said, "I think I see where you're going with this. How many kids do you have?"

So my family and I go past a nursing home...

There are balloons on the sign. My wife says "maybe someone had a birthday", my daughter says "maybe it's for a fundraiser", and then my son says "maybe someone they didn't like died and they are celebrating"

You know, i never really thought our daughter would go farther than our son.

Yeah, turns out trebuchets are superior to catapults after all.

My son Luke loves how I named all our children after Star Wars characters...

My daughter Chewbacca, not so much.

Dad finds out that his first daughter is lesbian...

Dad: Oh ok then.
Second daughter: I'm a lesbian too...
Dad: For f**...'s sake is there anyone in this family who loves men?
Son: I do...

A daughter walks up to her dad and confesses that she's lesbian.

"Ok," the dad says. The second daughter also confesses that she is lesbian.
"God d**..., is there anyone in this house who loves men?"
"I do," the son says.

A r**... makes a phone call

The man on the other end picks up. "Hello?"
The r**..., voice nervously shaking, says, "Sir, I-I'd like to ask permission to m-marry your daughter. We're in love."
The man replies, "Of course you have my permission. You're my son and I want you to be happy."

I'm so proud of my kids.

My daughter is beautiful and intelligent, just like her Mom.
And my son is good looking and funny, just like the mail man.

Rose

Daughter 1: Daddy, why am I named Rose?
Dad: Because when your mother gave birth to you, a rose petal fell on your head.
Daughter 2: What about me?
Dad: Because, Daisy, when you were born, a daisy petal fell on your head.
Son: *walks in* Anso nai?!
Dad: Oh, hey, Brick.

I said to my son, "You will be forced into an arranged marriage."

He said no. I replied with, "It is Bill Gates' daughter in law." He said yes.
I called up Bill Gates and said, "Your daughter will marry my son." He said no. I replied with "I am the CEO of the World Bank." He said yes
I called up the world bank and said, "Make me CEO." They said no. I replied with, "Bill Gates is my brother-in-law." They said yes.

A son ask his dad to explain the difference between reality and fiction.

Dad: It's complicated but let me try to explain. Honey, would you sleep with the neighbor for 100,000$?
Mom: Yes of course because I know we need the money.
Dad: Very good. Alright now Tasha, would you have s**... with the neighbor's son for 200,000$?
Daughter: Yeah sure!
Dad: Perfect. So you see son, right now we would have 300,000 fictional dollars but in reality we have two w**... in this house.

So there comes a time in every married couple's life where the big question is asked.

So the husband turns to his wife and asks "Honey, do you want kids?"
The wife responds with "I'm not sure?"
After an hour of careful consideration and thought, the two came to a decision.
"So, we don't want kids." Said the husband. The wife agreed.
So they turned to their son and daughter, picked them up and kicked them out the door.

My wife is sleeping with my son, so I'm sleeping with my daughter.

These kids really need to stop having so many nightmares

A man asks another "do you have a car?".

"Sorta", he replies.
"What do you mean?", asks the man.
"Well, it's my wife's car when she goes grocery shopping, it's my son's car when he goes to his girlfriend's, it's my daughter's car when she goes out at night and it's mine when it's out of gas!".

A family sits at the dinner table.

Son: "Dad, I need to tell you something. I'm gay."
Dad: "..."
Other son: "Dad, I'm also gay."
Dad: "Isn't there anyone who likes girls anymore?
Daughter: "Yes, me."

A pregnant woman walks into a bank being robbed,

She tried to call the cops and got shot in the stomach three times. Luckily, all her children were safe.
15 years later, one of her daughters came up to her and said, "Mom, I was peeing and a bullet came out." So, she told her daughter the story.
Then, her other daughter walked into the room and she said, "Mom, I was peeing and a bullet came out." So, she told her daughter the story.
Finally, her son came in and she assumed she knew what he was going to say, "Let me guess, you were peeing and a bullet came out?"
The son replied, "No, what? I was m**... and I shot the dog."

I told my family I was going to be on TV tonight

So we gathered in the living room and my wife, son, and young daughter were horrified to see me on To Catch a Predator .

After talking with his girlfriend Kim, Steve reluctantly decided it was best to ask for her father's permission to get married.

"So," said Kim's father, "you want to be my son-in-law, do you?"
Not particularly, " Steve responded, "but if I want to marry your daughter I haven't much choice, have I?"

After two years of a marriage...

Mother in law: it is time for you guys become 3 from 2
Daughter in law: I know, I have been asking your son to try a t**... but he refuses....

Cakeday Joke, a day late...

A girl walks up to her mother and asks, "Mommy, why am I named Clover?"
"Your grandma believes that it brings luck to our family."
Then, her other daughter walks up. "Mommy, why am I named Nirvana?"
"Because, your aunt believes that is the place you go when you are enlightened."
Finally, her son walks up to her. "Those names make sense, but why am I named *Cakeday?"*
His mother sighs. "Your father believes it is the best way to earn karma."

My son Luke loves the fact he's named after a Star Wars character

My daughter Chewbacca, not so much

A guy is relaxing at home when he hears a loud b**... on his front door. He opens the door to discover his next-door neighbor standing there looking outraged. "

What's the matter Bill?" he asks the neighbor. "I found your son's name written with pee in the snow between our houses!" he responds. "What's the big deal? He's a kid. Kids do that stuff". I'll tell you the big deal! It was in my daughter's handwriting!"

My wife was elated with how far our son had gone!

I tell her, "This trebuchet is simply amazing! Go fetch our daughter!"

*From Ian Ross, not mine* - A mum was asked 'Why is your daughter crying?'

'She has five baked beans stuck up her nose.'
'And why is your son crying?'
'He wants his lunch back.'