Son Of God Jokes
138 son of god jokes and hilarious son of god puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about son of god that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.
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Funniest Son Of God Short Jokes
Short son of god jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The son of god humour may include short god created jokes also.
- My teenage son treats me like a god. He acts like I don't exist, until he wants something.
- I heard my son's girlfriend screaming "Oh God!" in his bedroom upstairs ... Im so glad he found a good religious girl.
- God should really get better internet for his son. Its so laggy Jesus died and took 3 days to respawn.
- Biblical Parenting Techniques Joseph: What should we do about Jesus acting up in school?
Mary: I don't know it's not like raising the Son of God came with Emmanuel - Son of a god 8yr old Jesus at dinner party: Can I have wine?
Mom: No you only get water.
Jesus: (Giggling) OK. - My father would always tell me, "Son, someday you will go far..." "and I hope to God that you stay there."
- Jesus sits down at the Last Supper with his disciples. He rises and addresses them: "I'm the son of God."
"No way!" they say.
"Yahweh." - We are all God's children right? And Jesus is God's only son, right? So aren't we all women?
- When I Was A Child I Wanted To Be The Savior Of The World. Then they told me that Jesus was the Son Of God And I realized it's all who you know....
- Most people say Jesus isn't Jewish... But he is. 30, single, living with his parents, working his father's job and his mother saying he's the son of God, of course he's Jewish.
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Son Of God One Liners
Which son of god one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with son of god? I can suggest the ones about god almighty and god creation.
- God took a paternity test He found out he was the father, the son and the holy spirit.
- How do you know God is Mexican? Who else would name their son Jesus?
- I said I was the son of God They said No way!
I said Yahweh! - If the son of God drove, how would he shift gears? Jesus Christ, Immanuel!
- God giving advice to his son Here, take a page out of my book.
- Why did the god of thunder's son go to the hospital? Because he was a little Thor
- If we're all sons and daughters of god... Then was Jesus the favourite child?
- Jesus, the son of God, was bi He loved everyone.
- How did my dad react when he found out I wasn't really his son? "Thank God!!!"
- What does the son of God do when he is the victim of medical malpractice? Jesus
- If your last name is Pinkney, for the love of god, please dont name your son Paul.
- My son would've turned 3 today Thank god i pulled out
- Jews be like Nah Way is Jesus the son of God And Christians be like Yahwah!
- Jesus to the Jews: I am the son of God.
Jews: No way...
Jesus: Yahweh. - Jesus is the son of God.
God is the son of Chuck Norris.
Son Of God Funny Jokes And Hilarious Puns.
What funny jokes about son of god you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean god allah jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make son of god pranks.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
As someone died, Saint. Peter gave him a tour to the new place.
While wandering he sees an old familiar guy who was accompanied by a very ugly woman.
He asks Saint Peter: "But how does the man walks around with a woman like that when he spent his life with the most beautiful women?"
"Oh my child, he killed a pigeon when he was alive and now he is being punished."
They walk further down, and meets another friend with a frighteningly ugly women.
"Holy God but he was circulated only by models when he was alive, how come he withstands this now?"
"O my child that man killed two pigeons when he was alive."
They continued wandering and suddenly he sees someone who was so ugly and s**... and never had any woman when he lived.
But he was accompanied by THE WOMAN!
Extra tall and hotty.
The man lost his mind.
"Holy God, but such an ugly face with such a gorgeous woman?"
"Yes my son, but this hotty burned the whole pigeon house, when she was alive!"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A sailor and a priest were playing golf.
The sailor took his first shot missed and said, "F**k, I missed."
Surprised, the priest replied, "Don’t use that kind of language or god will punish you."
The sailor took aim and hit his shot second shot.
Again he missed and under his breath the said, "I f**k’n missed again."
The priest overheard and replied, "My son, please don’t use that language or god will punish you."
The sailor took his third shot and once again he couldn’t help mutter, "Oh f**k" The priest said, "That’s it god will certainly punish you."
Suddenly a bolt of lightning came down and killed the priest.
In the distance a deep voice said, "F**K, I Missed."
My coworker who believes Jesus Christ was the immaculately conceived son of God who rose from the dead can't believe it's Monday already.
What is the difference between Dale Earnhardt Jr and Jesus Christ?
One of them is the son of God and the other one died for your sins
At a family breakfast the following conversation takes place between a Dad and his 7 year old son.
Son: Daddy what are those big round things on mummies chest?
Dad: They're balloons son. When mummy dies we can blow them up and she'll float to heaven.
Son: Really? Because Uncle Frank was blowing them up yesterday and mummy kept saying Oh God, I'm coming but she didn't float anywhere..
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Darth Vader: I am your father
**Odin:** I am the all-father.
**God:** I am the father, the son and the holy spirit.
**Maury:** the DNA results are in, find out after the break.
Who was Michael Jackson?
Son: Dad, is God man or a woman? Dad: He's both, son. Son: Dad, is God black or white? Dad: He's both, son. Son: Dad, is God good or bad? Dad: He's both, son. Son: Dad, is God - Michael Jackson?
For all you band geeks out there.
One day, God decided to descend from heaven to talk to his children. He was walking down the streets of New York when he finds a man crying on the curb. God asks, 'My son, what is wrong?' The man answers, 'I've been blind since birth and have never been able to see the sunrise.' So God touches him and he is healed. In Nashville, God finds another man crying on a park bench. 'My son, what is troubling you?' 'I've been crippled since birth and have never been able to run.' So God reaches out, touches him, and the man embraces him and runs off. While walking through Orlando, God finds another man crying. He asks, 'My son, why are you crying?' 'My Lord... I am a band teacher...' So God sits down next to him and cries.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
I'm pretty sure Jesus was Italian
Because only an Italian mother could think her son was a god.
And only an Italian son could think his mother was a v**....
The two troublemakers
A couple had two little mischievous boys, ages 8 and 10. They were always getting into trouble, and their parents knew that if any mischief occurred in their town, their sons would get the blame.
The boys' mother heard that a clergyman in town had been successful in disciplining children, so she asked if he would speak with her boys. The clergyman agreed and asked to see them individually.
So, the mother sent her 8-year-old first, in the morning, with the older boy to see the clergyman in the afternoon.
The clergyman, a huge man with a booming voice, sat the younger boy down and asked him sternly, "Where is God?"
They boy's mouth dropped open, but he made no response, sitting there with his mouth hanging open.
The clergyman repeated the question. "Where is God?"
Again, the boy made no attempt to answer.
So, the clergyman raised his voice some more and shook his finger in the boy's face and bellowed, "Where is God!?"
The boy screamed and bolted from the room. He ran directly home and dove into his closet, slamming the door behind him.
When his older brother found him in the closet, he asked, "What happened?"
The younger brother, gasping for breath, replied: "We are in real BIG trouble this time! God is missing, and they think we did it!"
Tata daddy
One day a father was walking by his sons room and heard him praying. "God bless mommy and daddy and grandma, tata grandpa" he said. The dad was confused but happy to know that his 6 year,old was praying. The next morning he found grandpa dead of a heart attack. That night he listend to his son again. "God bless mommy and daddy tata grandma." As he suspected he found grandma dead of a heart attack. Then that night he listened to his son again."God bless mommy tata daddy" as you can imagine he was freaking out so he went to the docter and came home and found his wife and she said "Thankgoodness your here we found the mailman dead on our porch this morning!"
So Adam is sitting in the Garden of Eden...
... and he says, "God, I see that all of the other animals that you have created in this truly perfect world have a companion, a partner, someone to be with, share life with, and to love. Why is it that I am alone?" God pauses for a moment, and says "You know Adam, I'll work on that. Be patient, my son, I shall return to you in a week's time."
God labors for a week as only a being of such incredible omnipotence can labor, and after much exhausting work, he returns to Adam after a week has passed and reveals to him his creation.
Adam is speechless. After much gaping, he finally finds the words to say "God, she is beautiful, she is truly your most perfect creation. I must ask though, what will this cost me, for surely this cannot be free."
God says soberly "My son. I confess, to have a being of such beauty and grace, you must give me an arm and a leg. I can accept no other payment."
Adam weighs this for a moment, and then says, "How much can I get for a rib?"
Little Billy had been blind since birth...
...and one night his mom tells him "If you pray extra hard tonight God will allow you see in the morning."
So little Billy prayed his heart out before going to sleep that night. The next morning he opened his eyes and to his surprise he screamed out.
"Mommy I still can't see!"
"I know son, April fools."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
adam and eve finally figured out the whole s**... thing...
afterward, adam's kicked back, dazed.
god asks "son, where's eve?"
to which adam replies "she's down at the stream, washing up."
god groans "now i'll never get that smell outta those fish."
This used to be my Dad's favorite joke. "The End of the World"
The world is ending by nuclear warfare and there are three men riding on a plane to a fallout shelter where they would be safe and ride out the devastation. The three men are: the president, the pope, and a young hippie.
Suddenly, as they are nearing their destination, the plane malfunctions and is going down quickly. The three passengers look at each other, then realize: there are only two parachutes.
The President hastily grabs a bag and before jumping out of the hatch says," I am God's gift to you all! I rule the United States! I am the leader this world will need! I am the SMARTEST man on this planet!"
Realizing they don't have much time the pope quickly says to the hippie, "My son, you have many more years to live than I, it would only be right for you to seize this opportunity and fulfill-"
The hippie begins laughing, startling the pope into silence, and says, "Don't worry Father, the smartest man on the planet just jumped out of the plane with my backpack on!"
An atheist in the forest...
stumbles upon a bear. The bear rears up to attack and the atheist yells "oh god no!" time stops and he hears the voice of god say "you called for me my son?" the atheist responds "I would ask you to save me, but that would be hypocritical, so instead, can you make the bear a christian?" he hears "I shall do this for you my son". Time resumes and the bear stops, puts his paws together and says "God in the heavens.... thank you for this meal you have provided me with today, amen"
So this woman had a baby boy...
...but she was in no condition to keep him, so she decided to abandon him to the church. However, the priest was in the hospital at the moment, so the woman went after him and, seeing him in the hospital bed, unconscious and with IV's sticking out of his every vein, she decided to leave the baby at his feet.
The priest wakes up and after he discovers the baby, he calls for the doctors. "What's with this baby here, doc?". "Well, you see, when we were operating on you we found him there, so we got him out."
"This must be a miracle from God!" cried out the priest. "I must keep him!"
Years pass and the priest finds himself on the death bed. With his last breath he calls for his son.
"Son, I am not your father..."
"I knew it all along" said the son. "It doesn't matter, you raised me, you fed me, you cared for me as if for your own!"
"No, you don't get it. I'm not your father. I'm your mother. Your father's the bell-ringer."
A Jewish lawyer was troubled by the way his son turned out.
A Jewish lawyer was troubled by the way his son turned out, and went to see his Rabbi about it.
"I brought him up in the faith, gave him a very expensive bar mitzvah, cost me a fortune to educate him. Then he told me last week that he has decided to be a Christian. Rabbi, where did I go wrong?"
"Funny you should come to me," said the Rabbi. "Like you, I, too, brought up my boy in the faith, put him though university, cost me a fortune, then one day he came to me and told me he has decided to become a Chrsitian."
"What did you do?" Asked the lawyer.
"I turned to God for the answer," replied the Rabbi.
"And what did he say?"
He said, "Funny you should come to me..."
Three nuns die in a car accident. They arrive at the pearly gates...
...and St. Peter greets them, "welcome to heaven sisters! Before I let you in I have to ask you each a question that you must answer to be accepted into heaven."
The first nun steps up, and St. Peter asks, "who is the son of god?" The nun says, "that's easy. Jesus." The gates open, and she strolls into heaven.
The second one steps up. "Who is Jesus' mother?" She answers, "Mary," and the gates open.
The third nun steps up, and he asks, "What was the first thing Eve said to Adam?" The nun looks flustered, and she says, "that's a really hard one..." And the gates open.
Yokel Logic
Two country types are sitting outside a university, when a man comes out. One of them stands up, and goes over to talk to this man.
He says ''Ello there, son. You look loike one of them clever university toipes. What is it that you're studyin' then?'
The man, slightly stunned, says, 'I study Mathematics, Physics and Logic'
The country dude says 'Oo- arr, logic, what's that then?'
The Student replies, 'I could teach you it.'
'Okay then.'
'So', says the student, 'you look like a country type. I'm going to guess that you have a tractor?'
'Yep'
'And if you have a tractor, then surely you have... a yard, to keep your tractor in?'
'Arr'
'So in turn, surely you have a house next to that yard?'
'Wow, incredible, go on!'
'And taking care of that big house must be awfully hard on your own- so you must have a wife to help out with it?'
'Moi god...'
'And because you live with your wife, I'm going to conclude that you're a heterosexual!'
'Oh lord...' says the farmer. 'How did you know all that?'
'That's logic, my friend', says the student, and he walks off with a cheerful wave.
The yokel runs over to his friend to show off his newfound learnings.
''Ere, Oi've got somethin' to show ya! It's called 'Logic'', he shouts.
'Alroight then', says the friend
'So, do you have a tract'r?'
'No'
'Then you're Gay!'
It's the kid's Joke time..
Here's a lovely joke for all:
Papa : Why is your mummy sitting silently today.
Son : Nothing papa. She asked for lipstick and i heard fevistick(glue).
Papa: (With tears in eyes) God bless you son.
Legs in the Air
Little Johnny came home from school to see the family's pet rooster dead in the front yard. Rigor Mortis had set in and it was flat on its back with its legs in the air. When his Dad came home Johnny said, "Dad our rooster is dead and his legs are sticking in the air. Why are his legs sticking in the air?"
His father thinking quickly said, "Son, that's so God can reach down from the clouds and lift the rooster straight up to heaven."
"Gee Dad that's great," said Little Johnny. A few days later, when Dad came home from work, Johnny rushed out to meet him yelling, "Dad, Dad we almost lost Mom today!"
"What do you mean?" said Dad.
"Well Dad, I got home from school early today and went up to your bedroom and there was Mom flat on her back with her legs in the air screaming,"Jesus I'm coming, I'm coming" If it hadn't of been for Uncle George holding her down we'd have lost her for sure!"
Four old ladies were sitting together...
The first one says, "My son is a bishop, and when he walks into a room, people say 'Your excellence.'"
The second one says, "Well, my son is a cardinal, and when he walks into a room, people say 'Your eminence.'"
The third lady says, "My son's the Pope, and when he steps into a room, people say 'Your holiness.'"
The fourth woman says, "My son's only a priest, hardly 5 feet but over 300 pounds. And whenever he walks into a room, people say 'Oh my God!'"
Four ladies are having coffee together...
The first one tells her friends, "My son is a priest. When he walks into a room, everyone calls him 'Father'."
The second woman replies, "My son is an Archbishop. Whenever he walks into a room, people say, 'Your Grace'."
The third woman says smugly, "My son is a Cardinal. Whenever he walks into a room, people say, 'Your Eminence'."
The fourth woman sips her coffee in silence. The first three women give her this subtle "Well...?"
She replies, "My son is a gorgeous, 6'2", hard bodied stripper. When he walks into a room, people say, 'Oh my God..'"
A couple of hippies are sitting on a park bench...
...when a pair of nuns walks by, one of them on crutches and with most of her leg in a cast. The more outgoing of the two hippies asks, "Oh man! What happened? Are you okay?"
The hobbling nun responds, "Yes, my son. I slipped and fell in the bathtub and broke my tibia. The doctor says I'll have the cast off in two more weeks."
"Far out, man. Well, good luck and, uh, God bless?"
She replies, "Thank you, my child," and they continue on their way.
When they're out of earshot, the first hippie asks the other, "What's a bathtub?"
"How would I know, man? I'm not Catholic."
A Jewish guy goes to his Rabbi
A Jewish guy goes to his Rabbi and says: "RABBI RABBI! you're not going to believe what happened to me! My son turned Christian and left the house!"
The Rabbi says: "Well, you're not going to believe what happened to me! MY son turned Christian and Left the house."
"Well, what are we going to do?!" Asked the man.
"Let's pray to God and ask him for advice" the Rabbi answers.
They both look up and say: "God, God, you're not going to believe what happened to us! Both our sons turned Christian and left the house"
God responds: "well, you're not going to believe what happened to ME!"
A software engineer died at 45 and went to heaven.
He asked god why he was dead at such an early age. God replied "Son, according to the billable hours you filed in your time sheet you should be 92 by now "
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Robin Williams' Favorite Joke
Guy's having s**... with his wife. All of a sudden he looks over, and there in the doorway is his son, about eight years old. Kid looks horrified, and the kid runs away. The guy says to his wife, ''Well, I'd better talk to Timmy.''
He puts on his clothes and goes to Timmy's room. He opens the door , and there's Timmy nailing Grandma. The father goes ''Oh, my God!'' And the kid goes, ''Not so funny when it's your mom, is it?"
So there's a man riding his Harley.
All of the sudden this man hears the booming voice of God.
God says "My child, you have been so good and true to me I would like to grant you just one wish."
The man thought for a moment and then he said
"God, I wish for a bridge that stretches from California to Hawaii so I can ride my Harley to Hawaii any time I would like."
God responded "My son, I must admit that wish is quite materialistic, and the amount of energy and resources is exponential. Think for a moment and see if that is really what you want."
The man sat and pondered for a moment or two when he asked
"God, if you could give every man the sense to know what women really think and how they really feel when they feel nothing that would help me and every man on earth so much."
God paused for a moment and replied "So do you want the bridge two lanes or four lanes."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
So this atheist explorer is in trouble...
...with a tribe of savage cannibals. He's cornered with no possible way out when he exclaims in his desperation 'God, I'm s**...!'
Suddenly the clouds part and a booming voice says 'No son, you are not. Take that rock near your right foot and throw it at that old cannibal with the large headdress!'
The explorer obeys, and the chief of the tribe lies dead on the ground.
The voice says 'NOW you're s**...!'
Two Jewish mothers are at lunch...
During the meal, one of the mothers says to her friend, "I have some distressing news. I sent my son to Israel to become a better Jew, but he came back a Christian."
Her friend looks up in surprise and says, "Funny story! I also sent my son to Israel to become a better Jew, and he came back a Christian! Let us go and talk to the Rabbi."
The two mothers stroll down to the local synagogue and lay their problems before the Rabbi, whom, upon hearing their Lamentations replies, "Funny story! I also sent my son to Israel to become a Jew, and he came back a Christian! Let us pray for guidance."
The three of them kneel in prayer, and are answered by the voice of God: "What troubles you, my children?" He says.
"Father," says the Rabbi, "Each of us sent our sons to Israel to become better Jews, and each of them has become a Christian."
To which God replies:
"Funny story..."
A Jewish Atheist enrolls his son in Catholic school
A Jewish atheist hears that the best school in town happens to be Catholic, so he enrolls his son. Things are going well until one day the boy comes home and says, I just learned all about the Father, the Son, and the Holy Ghost.
The boy's father is barely able to control his rage. He grabs his son by the shoulders and says, Son, this is very important, so listen carefully. There is only ONE God — and we don't believe in Him!
The Silent Wife
Father : hey Son! why is your mother sitting so silent today?
Son: nothing Dad. She asked for lipstick and i heard
" GLUE STICK "
Father : God bless u son !!
The Father, the Son, and the Holy Spirit are discussing where to holiday...
The Holy Spirit, predictably, suggests Las Vegas, but God says he feels like a change this year.
God suggests Jerusalem, but Jesus vetoes - not after last time...
Jesus suggests The Vatican City. "Sounds good to me." says God. " Yeah I'd like that," says the Holy Spirit, "I've never been."
"What are those things on mommy's chest?"
A young boy once asked his father: "DAD, what are those things on mommy's chest?" The father replied: "Son, those are mommy's balloons you see, before she dies they get pumped up and she floats to heaven."
A couple days later, the father comes home early from work and sits on the couch. The young boy runs downstairs screaming: "DAD! DAD! MOM'S DYING!" The father get's up quickly and asks: "WHAT'S WRONG!!" The young boy replies: "UNCLE JAKE'S UPSTAIRS BLOWING UP MOMMY'S BALLOONS AND SHE'S YELLING OH GOD I'M COMING!"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Positive...
James finds a friend whom he hasn't spoken with for a long time, so to be nice, he breaks the ice:
" -Hey Oscar, how are you doing?"
" -Terrible."
" -What?! What about your Ferrari?"
" -Wrecked in an accident... and the insurance had just expired."
" -Well, you win some, you lose some... And what about your son, the intelectual one?"
" -He was the one driving the Ferrari. Died upon impact."
" -But what about your beautiful daughter, didn't she say she wanted to be a model or something?"
" -She did, yeah... And was with her brother. She died too. Only person who wasn't in the car was my wife."
" -Oh thank God! How is she?"
" -She ran off with my bussiness partner."
" -Well, at least you got the company."
" -Yeah, a bankrupt one... I owe millions."
" -Jesus, dude! Do you have anything positive in your life?"
" -Yeah, h**...."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A man visits a priest for confession...
An elderly man in Germany walks into a confessional box after feeling the urge that he needed to confess.
Man: Forgive me father, for I have sinned. During the great war I hid a Jewish r**... in my attic.
Priest: Well, that's not a sin my son, but rather a heroic act of great compassion and daring.
Man: But I made him agree to pay me 20 marks for each week he stayed.
Priest: I must admit, that wasn't a great decision, but I am sure you did it for a good cause.
Man: God bless you father, that puts my mind to rest, just one more question however...
Priest: Yes my son?
Man: Do I have to tell him the war is over?
A man goes to see his rabbi...
... "rabbi, I am very troubled. My son, he went off traveling the world, and came back a christian!" The rabbi replies, "you know, it's so strange you say that. My son also left home, and came back a christian!" The two decide to pray to God about this, and God replies, "you know, it's so strange you say that..."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Jew problems
An old jew comes to a rabbi and says: "Please help me, my son became a christian!"
The rabbi replies: "i can't help you, god has the same problem."
I, too, went to a mixed religion seminar...
...But in the hopes of learning more about charity. First I asked a Buddhist monk: "How do you decide what to give away and what to keep for yourself?" "Child's play", he said. "I draw a small circle in the ground, throw my money into the air, and what falls outside of the circle I give to Buddha". Next I asked a catholic priest. "Easy my son", he told me. "All I do is draw a small circle in earth, throw my money to the heavens, and what falls into the circle I give to God". Finally, I asked a Rabbi. "Simple!" he answered. "I throw my money into the air and what god wants, he takes!"
Another plane was going down..
...On board were Henry Kissinger, a priest and a hippie. The pilot comes back to the passenger area and says "This plane is going down , there are three parachutes, and I'm taking one!" and jumps out of the door.
Henry Kissinger says "I am ze smartest man in ze world und I need to live," grabs a parachute and jumps out.
The priest says to the hippie, "My son, I have lived a long life and am one with God, please take the last parachute that you may live."
The hippie turns back to the priest and says "Don't sweat it, pops, the smartest man in the world just jumped out of an airplane with my backpack."
Why God never got a PhD
1. He had only one major publication.
2. It was written in Aramaic, not in English.
3. It has no references.
4. It wasn't even published in a refereed journal.
5. There are serious doubts he wrote it himself.
6. It may be true that he created the world, but what has he done since
then?
7. His cooperative efforts have been quite limited.
8. The Scientific community has had a hard time replicating his results.
9. He unlawfully performed not only Animal, but *Human* testing.
10. When one experiment went awry, he tried to cover it by drowning his
subjects.
11. When subjects didn't behave as predicted, he deleted them from
the sample.
12. He rarely came to class, just told his students to read the book.
13. Some say he had his son to teach the class.
14. He expelled his first two students for learning.
15. Although there were only 10 requirements, most of his students
failed his tests.
16. His office hours were infrequent and usually held on a mountain top.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Dad is at it again...
Dad: "Hey son, do you know why there is no gambling in Africa?"
Son: "No, why is there no gambling?"
Dad: "It's because there's too many cheetahs."
Son: "God d**..., dad."
Why wasn't the son of God worried when Microsoft Word crashed while he was writing his term paper?
Because Jesus saves.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A woman gives birth to twins and then goes into a coma
When she wakes up, she realises that she is yet to name her child.
Doctor: Oh, don't worry about that miss. Your brother was here while you were unconscious. He named your children.
Mother: What!? My brother is a complete idiot! Oh God, what did he name my daughter?
Doctor: Denise
Mother: Oh, I guess that's not too bad. What a relief. And what did he name my son?
Doctor: ....Denephew
A Jewish businessman in Brooklyn
A Jewish businessman in Brooklyn decided to send his son to Israel to absorb some of the culture of the homeland.
When the son returned, the father asked him to tell him about his trip.
The son said, "Pop, I had a great time in Israel. Oh, and by the way, I converted to Christianity."
"Oh, my," said the father. What have I done?"
He decided to go ask his old friend Jacob what to do.
Jake said, "Funny you should ask. I too sent my son to Israel, and he also came back a Christian. Perhaps we should go see the rabbi and ask him what we should do."
So they went to see the rabbi.
The rabbi said, "Funny you should ask. I too sent my son to Israel. He also came back a Christian. What is happening to our young people?
The three of them prayed and explained what had happened to their sons and asked God what to do.
Suddenly a voice came loud and clear from Heaven.
The Voice said, "Funny you should ask. I, too, sent my Son to Israel...
CATHOLIC COFFEE BREAK
Four Catholic men and a Catholic woman were having coffee.
The first Catholic man tells his friends, "My son is a priest, when he walks into a room, and everyone calls him '*Father*'."
The second Catholic man chirps, "My son is a Bishop. When he walks into a room people call him '*Your Grace*'."
The third Catholic gent says, "My son is a Cardinal. When he enters a room everyone says '*Your Eminence*'."
The fourth Catholic man then says, "My son is the Pope. When he walks into a room people call him '*Your Holiness*'."
Since the lone Catholic woman was sipping her coffee in silence, the four men give her a subtle, "Well....?"
She proudly replies, "I have a daughter, slim, tall, 38D breast, 24" waist and 34" hips. When she walks into a room, people say, "Oh My God."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
God sacrificed his son for his love of humans
And we all seem to be cool with it. But when **I** try to sacrifice my son for my love of humans, I get arrested and imprisoned.
I'm starting to see some discrimination going on here...
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Mom I'm dark even though u r white, why?
American boy: Mom I'm dark even though u r white, why?
Mom: Listen son, Considering all mistakes n crazy things i had done in my youth, forget about you are Dark, just thank god that u don't bark!
"Oh my god!" responded the mother as she heard the news. "Will my son be an alkyne forever?"
"It's even worse," the doctor said, "he's terminal."
"Daddy, is God a man or a woman?"
"Son, some people see God as a man, while others see God as a woman."
"Daddy, is God black or white?"
"Son, some people see God as black, while others see God as white."
"Daddy, is God Michael Jackson?"
Four older men are bragging about their sons
The first says, "My son is a bishop, and when he enters the room people say, Your Excellency".
The second says, "My son is an archbishop, and when he enters the room people say, Your Grace".
The third says, "My son is a cardinal, and when he enters the room people say, Your Eminence".
"My son is 7 feet tall, and 500 pounds," says the fourth man.
"And when he enter the room, people say, 'My God!'"
...told by my parish priest.
The angel Gabriel appeared to Mary and said, "Do not be afraid, Mary, you have found favor with God. You will conceive and give birth to a son, and you are to call him Jesus. He will be great and will be called the Son of the Most High."
Mary : I have a boyfriend
A man wakes up from a coma
"Sir, you have been in a coma since the year AD 32" the nurse tells him
"That's fine with me as long as I get to see my favorite son of GOD!"
A Christian man and his children are talking..
Girl: Dad, I have some bad news.
Dad: What?
Girl: I'm a lesbian.
Dad: Okay.
Sister: Dad, I have some bad news too.
Dad: What?
Sister: I'm a lesbian too.
Dad: God, does anyone in this house like boys?
Son: I do.
What do glutamine, tyrosine, tryptophan, histidine, god, bull, mother, and "son of a" all have in common?
They are all precursors
I died and went to heaven.
So i get up there and gods waiting there and he says "Son ask me anything you wish"
And I ask god "what's the best joke you know?"
He says "your life"
(One of the two only jokes of mine that are OC)
A Jewish father was very upset with how his son was turning out
He went to the Rabbi to ask him for some advice. He said, "Rabbi, I'm very worried about my son, I gave him the best possible Jewish education and despite this, he's now in his teens and is becoming a Christian!"
The Rabbi said, "it's funny you should say that, I too had a son who I raised to be a good Jewish boy and in his teens he became a Christian!"
The Jewish father asked the Rabbi what he did, the Rabbi said, "i turned to god."
"and what did he say?" Replied the father,
"He said, it's funny you should say that..."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
How do we know that god is jewish?
Well, when his son became a christian he issued a new testament.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
An old Jewish man walked in to a hotel...
and asked to rent a room. The clerk said, "Sorry, no vacancies." The man pointed at a couple who were checking out and asked, "What about their room?"
"Sorry," the clerk said, "this hotel is restricted. No Jews allowed."
The old man, looking to have a little fun, said "What makes you think I'm a Jew? I'm actually Catholic."
The clerk says, "Catholic, eh? Tell me then, did God have a son?"
"Sure," the old Jew says, "Name of Jesus."
"And where was He born?"
"In Bethlehem, in a manger."
"And why was He born in a manger?" pressed the clerk.
"Because a s**... like you wouldn't rent him a room!"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A priest and a man are sitting on a bench.
Man : forgive me father, for i have sinned.
Priest : What have you done my son?
M : Everytime it rains i r**... someone. A month ago it was raining and i r**... my aunt.
P : may god forgive you my son.
M : a week ago it was raining again and i r**... my neighbour.
P : may god forgive you my son.
M : just yesterday i r**... my daughter.
*The priest runs into the church and locks the door.*
M : father, what are you doing?
P : It's starting to rain.
What did the lead singer of Depeche Mode say to the son of God when he asked for his own army?
Your own personnel, Jesus.
Two priests were riding very fast on a motorcycle.
They were promptly stopped by a policeman who said, What do you think you are doing?
What if you have an accident?
The priests say, Don't worry, my son. God is with us.
The policeman says, In that case, I have to book you. Three people are not allowed to ride on a motorcycle.
Joseph decides it's time to tell Jesus the truth....
Since Jesus is a teenager, Joseph thinks he can handle it. He tells Jesus that he's not really his father, in a technical sense.
Jesus is incredulous. He can't believe it. He asks who his father really is.
Joseph explains to Jesus that he's the son of god. Jesus can't even comprehend this. He can only manage to stammer out "No way"
Joseph looks at him and says "Yahweh..."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A man has just died.
As his soul leaves his body and begins to float towards the clouds, he hears a loud, booming voice.
**"Come. Come towards the light, my son."**
And so he does.
Meanwhile, atop his cloud, God laughs, as another human hits his bug zapper.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
How do we know that Jesus was a Jew?
He totally believes that he is the Son of God, and that his mother is a v**...
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
I took my son to see Santa Claus yesterday and he stank of booze and cigarettes.
God knows what Santa Claus thought of him.
a guy picking up his kids at school sees another kid and says loudly "god, what an ugly kid!"
The person standing next to him says "he's my son..."
The guy, pretty embarassed, replies "oh man, I'm sorry, I didn't know you were his father"
"I'm his mom..."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
When Jesus died, that was God's sacrifice for the world..
But when I kill my son it's just m**...?
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
An elderly German man visits his priest for confession...
An elderly man in Germany walks into a confessional box after feeling the urge that he needed to confess.
Man: Forgive me father, for I have sinned. During the great war I hid a Jewish r**... in my attic.
Priest: Well, that's not a sin my son, but rather a heroic act of great compassion and daring.
Man: But I made him agree to pay me 20 marks for each week he stayed.
Priest: I must admit, that wasn't a great decision, but I am sure you did it for a good cause.
Man: God bless you father, that puts my mind to rest, just one more question however...
Priest: Yes my son?
Man: Do I have to tell him the war is over?
My Jewish grandma told me this one
An Orthodox Jew is praying to god:
"God! I need help, my son converted to Christianity!"
God says: "don't worry, that happens to everyone. Even to me!"
Well my son is...
A few Catholic men and a Catholic woman were having coffee in St. Peter Square, Rome. The first Catholic man tells his friends,
My son is a priest, when he walks into a room, everyone calls him Father.
The second Catholic man chirps, My son is a Bishop. When he walks into a room people call him Your Grace.
The third Catholic man says, My son is a Cardinal. When he enters a room everyone bows their head and says Your Eminence
Since the lone Catholic woman was sipping her coffee in silence, the four men give her a subtle, Well…?
She proudly replies, I have a daughter. She is slim, tall, and has measurements of 36D-24-36.
When she walks into a room, people say Oh…my…God!