No son, have you seen my dad glasses?
Mom: *Stares at Dad*
Dad: *Clenches fist*
Mom: "Don't!"
Dad: *Sweats Profusely*
Mom: "..."
Dad: "HI GAY, I'M DAD"
Son: Dad... how many kidneys do I have?
Me: Two. You have two, son.
Son: Nope... I have four. *point to belly* Two kidneys here... *points to legs* ...and two kid knees here!
The student has become the teacher.
Son: Dad you were a helicopter mechanic
Dad:Never said I was a good one
Son to mother: "Mom, all the kids in the school are making fun of me because I am still a virgin."
Mother: "Well, start giving them bad grades and they will stop."
So the dad replied, "Do you see those four trees? Well, an alcoholic would see eight."
The son replied, "But Dad, I only see two."
Because a cold never bothered her anyway.
My youngest son thought of this all by himself...he's a 38-year-old lawyer in Nebraska.
asked a son to his father.
"It means 'happy,'" the father answered.
"Oh," replied the son, "so are you gay, then?"
"No, son, I have a wife."
He considered that for a moment before replying, "Yeah, well, when Abe Lincoln was your age, he was The President of the United States."
We've updated our privacy policy
He said, NO!
I told him, She is Bill Gates' daughter.
He said, OK.
I called Bill Gates and said, I want your daughter to marry my son.
Bill Gates said, NO.
I told Bill Gates, My son is the CEO of World Bank.
Bill Gates said, OK.
I called the President of World Bank and asked him to make my son the CEO.
He said, NO.
I told him, My son is Bill Gates' son-in-law.
He said, OK.
This is how politics works.
Son: What?! I knew it! I want to meet my biological parents!"
Father: We are your biological parents. Now pack up, the new ones will pick you up in 20 minutes.
Gee thanks, Grandpa!
Why are you calling me Grandpa?
Because I couldn't find it yesterday.
But it's a whisk I'm willing to take.
"Don't call me son," I said. "You're not my dad."
He scratched his head. "No, but I brought you up, didn't I?"
"where have you been the last 20 years?"
Me: I've seen this before. Whatever I wish for will come back and bite me in some way.
Genie: I promise that won't happen. I'm so sure it won't I'll give you infinite wishes if it does.
Me: Okay. I wish for a boomerang with teeth.
Genie: You son of a ........
He said, "Son, in college you're going to be surrounded by beautiful girls, so I got you something from the chemist."
"Dad," I said, "I have condoms."
And he said, "You won't need condoms, I got you some anti-depressants."
"Hey Dad."
"Yes son?"
"Did you ever get shot in the army?"
He looks at his son in silence. Tears start to form in the Dad's eyes, and he quietly replies;
"No, but I was shot in the leggy."
On the floor was a note saying, "I can't stand the critism anymore."
I quickly cut him down, gave him CPR and he started to breathe.
As he lay in my arms I saw his eyes slowly open and I said, "That's not how you spell criticism."
Son: How many tickles does it take to make an octopus laugh?
Me: I don't know; how many?
Son: Ten tickles.
Me: Yeah, but only the male octopus is ticklish.
Son: Huh?
Me: Yeah, the females are not ticklish at all; just the males. You know how you can tell if an octopus is a male octopus?
Son: No; how?
Me: Test tickles.
Son: ...
Son: ...that's inappropriate.
Sure, like my son is going to marry someone twice his age...
"Is it something I said?"
"Yes."
Father: It means 'to be happy'.
Son: Are you gay?
Father: No, son. I have a wife.
So I said well…probably better tell him pretty slowly, so the little dumbass will get it."
In one ear, out the other.
Dad: "Not yet. We still haven't found anyone who wants you."
Kidnapper: [on phone] we have your son.
Wife: actually I'm holding my son.
Kidnapper: [getting frustrated] then who the heck just asked for chocolate milk with a straw and made us cut the crust off his PB&J?
Wife: oh god.
Kidnapper: what?
Wife. you have my husband.
I'm worried, but my wife says it's just a phase.
Says the teacher to a student's parent at a school gathering.
-- Did he say where he got it?
-- Yes! His best friend gave it to him.
The father, cleaning his tears:
-- Did he really say that?
Is not the way to tell your son he is adopted.
When we got to our house we saw an ambulance and the coroner at Jim's house, apparently he had a freak heart attack about thirty minutes before hand, it was odd because he was a personal trainer and in great shape, my wife seemed real upset by his passing. Though it was strange because I've never even seen them speak to eachother.
She asks him: "What is the capital of Germany?"
"Berlin," says the boy.
"What is the capital of France?"
"Berlin," says the boy.
"What is the capital of Russia?"
"Berlin," says the boy.
"Good job, Adolf, you'll do great on your test tomorrow."
I bought him a new trampoline for Christmas and all he wants to do is sit in his wheelchair and cry.
...after a while the boy says to his Father Dad, why can't we just use a sponge?
Plastic surgery.
[Credits: My 11yo son invented this joke]
"Are you kidding? Really?" I shouted.
"Yup, get ready," he said. "They'll be picking you up in about an hour."
Sure is gonna be tough raising this puppy without him.
A proud new father sits down with his dad to have a drink.
"Well son, now that you have a son of your own its time I gave you something."
"Dad you dont mea-"
"Yes I do. You've earned it." Says the father as he passes a copy of '1001 Dad Jokes 5th Edition' to the son.
"Dad I dont know what to say...I'm honored."
"Hi honored," Replies the father. "I'm dad."
Parents: "arson?"
Police officer: "yes, your son"
I was telling my son the "knock knock who's there banana joke", and he laughed and told me to tell it to him again. As I said knock knock he then backhanded my face and said "you shouldn't stand so close to the door"
"Dad, can't you just use a sponge?"
My son was playing with his teenage mutant ninja turtle action figures, and was making them fight each other.
Me: "Where are their weapons? Are they just fighting with their bare hands?"
Son: "No, they are fighting with their turtle hands."
Doesn't have a clue why I was laughing so hard.
"Dad, are you sure?"
"Absolutely."
Son: Well would you talk to someone who is stupid, uses drugs and is an alchocolic?
Mom: Of course not.
Son: Well neither would he.
"Was it something I said?" Asks the son.
"Yes."
An eight-year old boy had never spoken a word. One afternoon, as he sat eating his lunch he turned to his mother and said, The soup is cold."
His astonished mother exclaimed, Son, I've waited so long to hear you speak. But all these years you never said a thing. Why haven't you spoken before?"
The boy looked at her and replied, Up until now, everything has been satisfactory."
Mom and I, her 27-year-old son, had had an argument about my clothes. She pointed to a hole in my shirt and said, "There's a big hole in your shirt!"
I responded, "Yeah? Well there's a big hole in your face and dumb things keep coming out of it," pointing to her mouth.
Without a pause, she snaps back, "Not nearly as dumb as the thing that fell out of my other hole 27 years ago."
Being a bit nosy, they search around the room to see if their son is hiding anything "naughty." The father checks under the bed and, in shock, sees *tons* of BDSM and bondage tapes, DVDs, and magazines.
The mother couldn't breathe. It took her a while to say "*Oh my god!* What should we do about this?!
The father replied "We shouldn't spank him, that's for sure."
11 years old and he still doesn't know my name is Dave...
Dad: what are you drinking, son?
Son: Soy Milk
Dad: Hola Milk, soy padre
"It means happy son." Replied the father.
Then the boy asked, "Then Dad, are you gay?"
"No son, I am married." the father replied.
The kid is 8 years old, cute, thin and not really tall.
I can't wait to see his face light up when he opens it.
^([I stole this from imgur comments, but I am posting it here so that you can use it today and tomorrow on people you dislike. Merry Christmas.])
Dad: Drugs, usually.
The little boy said, Mom what are you doing?
She said, Son, your daddy's stomach is too big so I sit on top to flatten it out.
He said, Aw momma you're wasting your time because when you're not here the lady next door gets on her knees and blows it back up!
He asks him: "What's wrong son, what happened?"
"The teacher asked the class what the tallest building in New York is, and I got the answer wrong."
"Why, what did you answer?"
"The Empire State Building."
"Don't worry son, daddy will take care of it."
You.
Why I oughta...!
"Haha you can't fool me again, dad. A chair!"
"Not this time. Our dog died."
Son: When Lincoln was your age he was President.
Unfortunately, I couldn't meet his son.
He asks him, "Daddy what are you doing?"
His dad responds, "Don't worry son, you'll be doing it soon."
The boy then asks, "Why's that daddy?"
His dad answers, "Because my arms getting tired.."
Man: Waiter, will you try the soup?
Waiter: What's wrong Sir, is it too cold?
Man: Will you just try the soup.
Waiter: Is it too hot?
Man: Will you just try the soup
Waiter: Is it too spicy, Sir?
Man: Will you just try the damned soup son
Waiter: If there is something wrong with the soup...
Man: WILL YOU JUST TRY THE SOUP!
Waiter: FINE! I'll try the soup. Where's the spoon.
Man: Exactly.
We have collected gags and puns about Son to have fun with. Do you want to stand out in a crowd with a good sense of humour joking about Son? If Yes here are a lot more hilarious lines and funny Son pick up lines to share with friends.