Solve Jokes

What are some Solve jokes?

I've realized that suicide would solve all my problems....

...if I could just get the right people to try it.

A Russian enters a bar full of Turkish people.

He's wearing a t-shirt with bright lettering "Turkish got 3 problems."

Just a few seconds later the Turkishs oppose him and say "Hey, yopu know what you're wearing is insulting?"
The russian responds: "This is your first problem: You're so easily offended."

The Turkish respond: "Okay, maybe we should settle this outside."
The Russian: "That's your second problem: You always want to solve your problems with violence."

The Turkish bring him outside and pull their knives.
The Russian: "And here's your third problem. You always bring knives to gun fights."

Why are redneck murders so hard to solve?

There's no dental records and all the DNA matches

Why did the feminist fail algebra?

She couldn't solve inequalities

My stalker ex-girlfriend just threatened to kill herself if I didn't take her back.

Isn't it great when problems solve themselves?

Water can solve all your issues. Want to lose weight? Drink water. Need to wake up? Splash water on your face. Someone annoying you?

Drown them.

I don't see why in this day and age there aren't marches against fat shaming

Because marches would definitely solve the problem.

Confucius Say

It is only when a mosquito lands on your testicles that you realize there is always a way to solve a problem without violence.

why dont atheists solve exponential equations ?

they dont believe in higher powers.

Why can't Athiests solve exponential problems?

Because they don't believe in higher powers.

A Blonde Tries To Solve A

A blonde has been working on her new puzzle for a couple days now but can't seem to get it right. One day, her husband comes home to his wife crying at the kitchen table. He rushes over and asks his wife why she was crying, and she replies "I've been working on the puzzle forever but can't figure it out! It's supposed to be a tiger." The husband shakes his head and says "honey put the Frosted Flakes back in the box"

Why was the PTA meeting homicide difficult to solve?

Because it wasn't apparent who did it.

Mom, someone called me gangster at school today.

Mom: Dont worry I'll go tomorrow and solve this problem

Son: Make sure it looks like an accident.

How to solve Global Warming:

Convince republicans that rising temperatures are turning people gay.

Patients in an insane asylum are eating plaster off the walls,

the head doctor calls in the best doctor in the country to try and solve this problem. So the best doctor comes in and inspects the walls. He tells the head doctor to repaint the walls from red to green. The next day after the walls are repainted the head doctor comes in and sees the patients sitting and staring at the walls. "Why aren't you eating the walls now?" the head doctor asks them. "They arn't ripe yet"

How do you solve climate change?

Convince Republicans that rising temperatures are turning people gay.

Mother, mother, ...

... how come other children need hours to solve Rubik's cube but I do it in just a few seconds?

- Well, sweetie, it's because you're color blind.

why can't you solve a redneck crime

because there are no dental records and all the DNA is the same

How many politicians does it take to change a lightbulb?

Just two. One to explain to the public that everything possible is being done to solve the problem, and the other to screw the lightbulb into the water faucet.

How does a mathematician solve their constipation?

They work it out with a pencil

If somebody offered me a coin flip to either get 10 million dollars or instantly die, I'd accept in a heartbeat. A 50 percent chance to solve all my problems would be amazing!

And even if I lost the flip, I'd still get some money.

Yo momma's so fat that objects 5 meters away accelerate at 1 m/s^2 toward her. What is yo momma's mass if G = 6.67x10^-11Nm^2/kg^2?

Please, someone help me, I can't solve it and it's making me nuts.

Marriage brings two people together

to solve issues they never had before

Relativity theory

In classical (Newtonian) physics, we can't solve the three-body problem. In the theory of relativity, we can't solve the two-body problem. In quantum mechanics, we can't solve the one-body problem, and with quantum electro dynamics, we don't even understand the vacuum anymore.

Why is it so hard to solve a redneck murder?

All the bloods the same and there are no dental records

You can't solve every problem with calculus

It has its limits

Defense supercomputer

A large defense contractor finally succeeded in building a supercomputer able to solve any strategic or tactical problem. Military leaders assembled in front of the new machine and were instructed to feed a difficult tactical problem into it. They described a hypothetical situation to the computer and then asked the pivotal question, "Attack or retreat?"

The computer hummed away for a minute and then came up with the answer, "Yes."

The generals looked at each other, stupefied.

Finally one of them submitted a second request to the computer, "Yes what?"

Instantly the computer responded, "Yes, Sir!."

Why couldn't the tree solve the Lumberjack's riddle?

He was stumped.

Physics Joke

I tried having a threeway with two physicists, but they couldn't solve the three body problem

The problem with America is stupidity.

So why don't we just take the safety labels off of everything and let the problem solve itself?

I spent the whole night trying to solve a math problem...

and then it dawned on me.

Jesus was worried about the drug epidemic plaguing the world.

In an effort to solve this dilemma, he decided that a few apostles would return to earth and fetch a sample of each drug, so they could understand what these substances did.

Two days after the operation is implemented, the disciples begin to return. Jesus, waiting at the door, lets in each disciple:

"Who is it?"

"It's Mark" Jesus opens the door.

"What did you bring Mark?"

"Marijuana from Colombia"

"Very well son, come in."

Another soft knock is heard. "Who is it?"

"It's Matthew"

Jesus opens the door. "What did you bring Matthew?"

"Cocaine from Bolivia"

"Very well son, come in."

At the next knock Jesus asks, "Who is it?"

"It's John"

Jesus opens the door. "What did you bring John?"

"Crack from New York"

"Very well son, come in."

Someone starts pounding on the door. "Who is it?"

"It's Judas"

Jesus opens the door. "What did you bring Judas?"

"FREEZE! THIS IS THE FBI!"

A new CEO starts his first day


A fellow had just been hired as the new CEO of a large high tech corporation. The CEO who was stepping down met with him privately and presented him with three numbered envelopes. "Open these if you run up against a problem you don't think you can solve," he said.

Well, things went along pretty smoothly, but six months later, sales took a downturn and he was really catching a lot of heat. About at his wit's end, he remembered the envelopes. He went to his drawer and took out the first envelope. The message read, "Blame your predecessor."

The new CEO called a press conference and tactfully laid the blame at the feet of the previous CEO. Satisfied with his comments, the press -- and Wall Street - responded positively, sales began to pick up and the problem was soon behind him.

About a year later, the company was again experiencing a slight dip in sales, combined with serious product problems. Having learned from his previous experience, the CEO quickly opened the second envelope. The message read, "Reorganize." This he did, and the company quickly rebounded.

After several consecutive profitable quarters, the company once again fell on difficult times. The CEO went to his office, closed the door and opened the third envelope.

The message said, "Prepare three envelopes."


I saw a book at the bookstore called "How to Solve 50% of your problem"

So I bought two

Timbuktu...

A priest and an Australian shepherd got a tie in a quiz show so they have to solve the last question: find a rhyme on the word Timbuktu.
After five minutes the priest returns and says:
"I was a father all my life, I had no children, had no wife, I read the bible through and through on my way to Timbuktu..."
The crowd was cheering him and thought he would win as the shepherd returns:
"When Tim and I to Brisbane went, we met three ladies cheap to rent. They were three and we were two, so I booked one and Tim booked two..."

Why are redneck crimes so hard to solve...

Because everyone has the same DNA and there are no dental records.

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Not original, I heard it on satellite radio yesterday.

Jesus was worried about the drug epidemic plaguing the world. In an effort to solve this dilemma, he decided that a few apostles would return to earth and fetch a sample of each drug, so they could understand what these substances did...

Two days after the operation is implemented, the disciples begin to return.

Jesus, waiting at the door, lets in each disciple.

"Who is it?"

"It's Mark."

Jesus opens the door.

"What did you bring Mark?"

"Marijuana from Colombia."

"Very well son, come in."

Another soft knock is heard.

"Who is it?"

"It's Matthew."

Jesus opens the door.

"What did you bring Matthew?"

"Cocaine from Bolivia."

"Very well son, come in."

At the next knock Jesus asks, "Who is it?"

"It's John."

Jesus opens the door.

"What did you bring John?"

"Crack from New York."

"Very well son, come in."

Someone starts pounding on the door.

"Who is it?"

"It's Judas!"

Jesus opens the door.

"What did you bring Judas?"

"FREEZE! THIS IS THE DEA!"

I was trying to solve an equation when I realised that the minus button on my calculator was broken...

On the plus side, it still worked.

water can solve all your problems, want to lose weight, drink mor water, want to wake up, splash want water on your face, someone getting on your nerves,

drown them

So my wife asked me yesterday "What would you do if You and I were 'Adam and Eve'?"

I replied nonchalantly, **"I'd fap and go to sleep. That would solve most problems."**

P.S: A'yup, I slept on the couch. :/

How do people in Prague solve Algebra equations?

Guess and Czech.

A lot of people think a world without sin would be perfect

But there's only so much you can solve with cos and tan

Can someone help me find some videos of Al Gore dancing?

I'm trying to solve a Rubik's cube and a friend told me that using Al Gore Rhythms could help.

Why did the young Mexican solve the problem so easily?

It was a no buena

My girlfriend is Mexican so I love Mexican jokes. Let me know if you have one!

A joke about squirrels.

There were three churches in my town that were all infested with squirrels. They each came up with a different way to deal with the infestation.

The first church hired an exterminator. He came by on a Monday morning, and by Sunday the squirrels were back.

The second church prayed to the Lord to deliver them from the squirrels, but did nothing themselves to solve the problem. The squirrels never left.

The third church had a young, zealous pastor who reasoned that since the squirrels were in church, they should be baptized. Now the squirrels are only there for Christmas and Easter.

Dear math,

Solve your own problems

Christian Drugs.

Jesus was worried about the drug epidemic plaguing the world. In an effort to solve this dilemma, he decided that a few apostles would return to earth and fetch a sample of each drug, so they could understand what these substances did.

Two days after the operation is implemented, the disciples begin to return. Jesus, waiting at the door, lets in each disciple: "Who is it?" "It's Mark" Jesus opens the door. "What did you bring Mark?" "Marijuana from Colombia" "Very well son, come in."

Another soft knock is heard. "Who is it?" "It's Matthew" Jesus opens the door. "What did you bring Matthew?" "Cocaine from Bolivia" "Very well son, come in."

At the next knock Jesus asks, "Who is it?" "It's John" Jesus opens the door. "What did you bring John?" "Crack from New York" "Very well son, come in."

Someone starts pounding on the door. "Who is it?" "It's Judas" Jesus opens the door. "What did you bring Judas?" "FREEZE! THIS IS THE FBI!"

So I went to the doctor yesterday because I've been feeling tired all the time.

He told me I needed to quit masturbating.

I asked him if that would solve my problem. "No," he replied, "but I can't examine you while you're doing it."

A farmer and a hunter

A man is out hunting in the woods when he shoots a massive duck. The duck falls into a field owned by a local farmer. The farmer retrieves the duck but refuses to hand over the duck saying "Around here we have a little game to solve problems like this. Each person gets to kick the other is the crotch as hard as possible; the person who makes the least noise wins. Since the duck fell on my land I get to go first." The hunter eager to get his prize duck, accepts. The farmer proceeds to kick him with all of his might. The hunter collapses on the ground in agony but manages not to utter the tiniest whimper. After recovering he approaches the farmer and says "Now it's my turn, let's see if you can beat that!" To which the farmer replies "Nah it's okay you can have the duck."

Why can't atheists solve quadratic equations?

They don't believe in higher powers.

How many Canadians does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

Twelve. Four to form a Parliamentary study committee to decide how to solve the problem, one Francophone to complain that I didn't translate this joke into French, one Native Canadian to protest that the interests of Native Canadians have been overlooked, one woman from the National Action Committee On the Status Of Women to say that women have been underrepresented in the process, one to go over the border to the Niagara Falls Factory Outlet Mall and buy a new bulb and not pay duty on it on the way back, one to actually screw it in, one to collect taxes on the whole procedure so the government can afford it, one to buy a case of Molson for everybody to drink, and one to drop the puck.

Cats don't need smart phones to solve their problems, they just sleep until the problem solves itself.

Cats: There's a nap for that.

As an atheist I find tell my maths teacher I shouldn't have to solve exponential factors

because I don't believe in higher powers

Did you hear about the math teacher...

...who used a ladder to solve a calculus problem written at the very top of his blackboard?

He really rose to the equation.

Why can't atheist solve exponential equations?

Why can't atheist solve exponential equations?

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(Well, because they don't believe in higher powers.) ^(4)

Worlds Smartest Man, Worlds Strongest Man, a Preacher and a Boyscout

...are all on a plane and it's about to crash.
Problem is there is only 3 parachutes.

So...
The worlds smartest man grabs a parachute and says, "I'm the worlds smartest man, I can solve many problems and find solutions for the future of humanity". He jumps out the plane.

The worlds strongest man grabs a parachute and says, "I'm the worlds strongest man, I am a role model to many, and I can save many lives by just aspiring people by my physique". He jumps out the plane

With one parachute remaining, the preacher looks at the boy scout and says, "I've led a very good life my son, take the last parachute, God will take care of me"

The boy scout looks at the preacher and says, "We both can jump! The worlds smartest man grabbed my backpack!"

When I was in the library I saw a book titled how to solve 50% of your problems.

So i bought 2 books

My company uses salt water to solve any problem.

We are called Saline Solutions.

There are almost no problems that cannot be solved by adding puppies into the equation...

except for world hunger...which come to think of it, they can also solve.

How does a mathematician want to solve terrorism?

He wants to simplify the radicals.

[Solved] "What does the Fox say?"

"Cancelled"

Why is it so hard to solve a murder in a trailer park?

Because the DNA evidence is all the same and there are no dental records

If you could own the entirety of Bill Gates' fortune or solve world hunger,...

what color would your Lamborghini be?

Jesus and Drugs

Jesus was worried about the drug epidemic plaguing the world. In an effort to solve this dilemma, he decided that a few apostles would return to earth and fetch a sample of each drug, so they could understand what these substances did.
Two days after the operation is implemented, the disciples begin to return. Jesus, waiting at the door, lets in each disciple: "Who is it?" "It's Mark" Jesus opens the door. "What did you bring Mark?" "Marijuana from Colombia" "Very well son, come in."
Another soft knock is heard. "Who is it?" "It's Matthew" Jesus opens the door. "What did you bring Matthew?" "Cocaine from Bolivia" "Very well son, come in."
At the next knock Jesus asks, "Who is it?" "It's John" Jesus opens the door. "What did you bring John?" "Crack from New York" "Very well son, come in."
Someone starts pounding on the door. "Who is it?" "It's Judas" Jesus opens the door. "What did you bring Judas?" "FREEZE! THIS IS THE FBI!"

I've solved every single mathematical problem!

I have nothing more to add

Two american tourists are having lunch at a McDonald's in Leicester square

They are arguing how to pronounce Leicester. To solve their dispute, they decide to walk up to the counter and ask the cashier.

"Excuse me ma'am, but can you tell me where we are? But can you pronounce it slowly, as you see, we're not from around here."

The cashier nods and says "Mic...don...alds"

What's the difference between your dentist and a philosopher?

Your dentist helps you solve molar dilemmas.

A man and his wife are walking in a mall, and the man realizes that his wife has disappeared...

The man walks to a woman outside the nearest store and says, I need to talk to you, I can't find my wife . The woman responds, I'll help you, but how is talking to me going to solve anything? . The man replies, my wife usually comes back when she sees me talking to strange women .

I highly doubt any alcohol or vodka will solve any of my life's problems

But I guess it's still worth the... shot

How do police solve problems in the streets?

troubleshooting

How do you solve world hunger and poverty simultaneously?

By feeding the poor to the hungry.

Jesus tried to solve a Rubik's cube

He died on the cross.

I can relate to Alice in Wonderland.

She just keeps randomly eating and drinking with the hope that it might magically solve her problems

A man took his 3 kids to a maze

His kids' names are Flour, Sugar, and Butter. The four of them split up in the maze to try to solve it. Along the way, Dad bumps into Butter. They exchange surprised looks and laughs and continue on their way. After 10 more minutes, Dad bumps into Butter again. They repeat the previous exchange and go on their ways. A collision between Dad and Butter happens a third time. After dad leaves the corner where he saw Butter the third time he hears someone else approaching him.
"Oh, Butter! You got me again!" Dad says.
The person turns the corner and Dad sees that it's Flour and Sugar.
"Oh!" Dad exclaims.

"I can't believe it's not butter!"

What do you call an electrical engineer trying to solve an issue?

Sherlock Ohms

Hillbilly murders are the hardest to solve

They don't have dental records and all their DNA is the same.

Why couldn't the police solve the case of the flat car battery?

They had no leads.

So I've heard there's a heroin epidemic among white teens...

I guess they're used to shooting up to solve their problems

What do you call a dog that doesn't solve mysteries?

Scooby Don't.

Ten Science Jokes for Nerds

* I'm reading a great book on anti-gravity. I can't put it down.

* I have a new theory on inertia but it doesn't seem to be gaining momentum.

* Why can't atheists solve exponential equations? Because they don't believe in higher powers.

* Schrodinger's cat walks into a bar. And doesn't.

* Do you know the name Pavlov? It rings a bell.

* A group of protesters in front of a physics lab:

What do we want? .

Time travel

When do we want it? .

Irrelevant.

* What does a subatomic duck say? Quark!

* A neutron walks into a bar and asks how much for a beer. Bartender replies For you, no charge .

* Two atoms are walking along. One of them says:

Oh, no, I think I lost an electron.

Are you sure?

Yes, I'm positive.

* An optimist sees a glass half full. A pessimist sees it half empty. An engineer sees it twice as large as it needs to be.

A Family of Balloons

There was once a family of balloons; Balloon Dad, Balloon Mum and Balloon Jr. As Balloon Jr was only very young he was still getting used to sleeping the whole night in his own bed. Mum and Dad would always say that he is now too big and he simply must stay in his own bed! One night Balloon Jr just couldn't take it anymore he HAD to sleep in his parents bed so he crept in to their room, but looking up at the bed he could see that there really wasn't enough room for him to fit in. To solve this problem he decides to let a little air out of his dad, a little air out of his mum and quite a lot of air out of himself. The next morning the parents are very disappointed, Balloon Mum says to Balloon Jr

"You've let me down, you've let your father down, but most of all, you've let yourself down."

Why do dogs start barking instead of trying to solve the problem?

Because solving problems are ruff.

The people who create math worksheets are so lazy.

They create a bunch of problems and expect other people to solve it for them.

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