85+ Delightful Funny Solid Jokes | metal gear solid, rock solid jokes

Uproarious Solid Jokes to Share with Friends

My girlfriend is like the square root of -100.

A solid 10, but also imaginary.

I've been interrogating the dog for two solid hours.

He still won't tell me who's a good boy.

If you're not part of the solution,

you're either a solid or a gas.

The First Night of the Honeymoon

The groom and bride had finally reached their honeymoon suite and both were eager to consummate the marriage as quickly as possible. The groom was a huge man, over 6'6" tall and 250 solid pounds of muscle. The bride a beautiful and diminutive woman.

The groom looked at his beautiful bride, took off his pants and threw them at her feet. "Put those on." He ordered.

She gave him a bewildered expression, but attempted to do as he asked. "They're too big, they won't stay on." She exclaimed.

"That's right, just remember who wears the pants in this family."

She gave him a narrow look and removed her pants and threw them at his feet. "Put those on." She ordered.

The groom could not even get his big toe into his wife's pants. "I.. I can't get into them." He stated struggling.

She declared back: "That's right and until your attitude changes that's the way it's going to be."

That's some solid advice!

A man escapes from prison where he has been for 15 years. He breaks into a house to look for money and guns and finds a young couple in bed.

He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a chair. While tying the girl to the bed, he gets on top of her, kisses her neck, then gets up and goes into the bathroom.

While he's in there, the husband tells his wife, "Listen this guy's an escaped convict - look at his clothes! He probably spent lots of time in jailand hasn't seen a woman in years. I saw how he kissed your neck. If he wants s**..., don't resist, don't complain, do whatever he tells you. Satisfy him no matter how much he nauseates you. This guy is probably very dangerous. If he gets angry, he'll kill us. Be strong, honey. I love you."

To which the wife responds, "He wasn't kissing my neck. He was whispering in my ear. He told me he was gay, thought you were cute, and asked if we had any Vaseline. I told him it was in the bathroom. Be strong, honey. I love you too.

How does Big Boss store his photos?

On a Solid Snake Drive 120 gb

sorry :\

Two wires at sea

Two wires were on an ocean cruise when the ship sprung a leak and sank. The solid core wire managed to climb into a lifeboat and head to safety.

The other was stranded.

What is the most volatile state? Solid, liquid or gaseous?

Islamic State.

I enjoy rating countries on a 0-10 scale

I give Nepal a solid 7.8. The score is so high, it's ground breaking

If you heat your solid state drive into a gaseous state drive, do you get cloud storage?

When your body is a solid 10

But your intro and conclusion need work

You can explore solid papercut reddit one liners, including funnies and gags. Read them and you will understand what jokes are funny? Those of you who have teens can tell them clean solid firm dad jokes. There are also solid puns for kids, 5 year olds, boys and girls.

There are four states of matter.

Solid, liquid, gas, and black lives.

There are 5 Types of Matter...

Gas

Solid

Liquid

Plasma

and most importantly
Black Lives

A woman called up St. John's hospital and asked "I want to know if the patient Sarah James in Room No 1438 is getting better"

The nurse replied, "She is doing very well. She had her first solid meal today, her blood pressure is fine and if she continues improving she might even be sent home in a couple of days."

The woman said, "Thank God! That's wonderful news!"

Nurse: I take it you must be a family member or a close friend!

Woman: No I am Sarah James. No one tells me anything here.

A teacher asks her student about his favorite tree...

Teacher: "Bob, which tree do you love most?"

Bob: "The eucalyptus is pretty"

Teacher: "That's nice. How do you spell eucalyptus?"

Bob: "Yep, can't go wrong with a good solid oak"

Scientists say there are now 4 confirmed states of matter

Solid matter
Liquid matter
Gas matter
and most recently...
Black Lives matter

My 8 year old brother came up to me and asked if I wanted to hear a joke, this is how it went

Bro," what washes up on a tiny beach?"
Me," No idea."
Bro," a microwave."
Followed by about 2 seconds of me not getting it then laughing for a solid minute

I froze some paint today.

Now it's just one solid color.

Jesus returned to earth...

And stayed anonymous for a while, but eventually a priest discovered who he was. He was discreet, but insisted that he take a solid gold cross. Before he took it, he prayed to his father and said,

"Father, should I accept this gift?"

God replies, "The solid gold cross?"

"Yes."

"What would you do with a solid gold cross? You could hardly carry a wooden one!"

What do you call the work of a renowned geologist?

Rock solid

In what state are most cows found in?

Solid

People say Alaska s**... because it's all ice...

but I think it's a real solid state.

My girlfriend is like the square root of -100

A solid 10 but non-existent

How do you explain to someone that ice isn't a liquid?

Just give some solid facts.

Bathroom humour is not my favorite type of humour...

but it's a solid #2.

The first three states of matter are liquid, solid, and gas. What are four and five?

Nine.

I wouldn't say p**... is my favorite activity.....

But it's a solid number two.

I don't understand why people are so mad about football players taking a knee

Its a solid strategy for running out the clock in the 4th quarter.

Can you move my atoms closer together?

You'd be doing me a real solid.

I wish my GPA was more like me

because I'm a solid 4

Why is there a solid traffic line painted down the middle of the corridor of the government office building?

So the people coming in late don't run into into the people going home early.

I was at a boxing match the other day and one of the boxers only had one hand...

But he sure did have a solid left hook.

What did the solid say to the liquid?

What's the matter?

SCIENTIST: I just boiled water.

ME: Solid.

SCIENTIST: No.

ME: I just mean that's cool.

SCIENTIST: WRONG AGAIN!

My friends laughed at me

when I told them I have a girlfriend. They said she was like the square root of -100, a solid 10 but imaginary.

Well, joke is on them. They are also imaginary.

I heard prison is a great place to grab a drink...

... apparently there are a bunch of really solid bars.

Did anybody see the article about the leopard whose fur was bleached solid white?

It was recently spotted

A teacher asked her class to use "definitely" in a sentence.

"The sky is definitely blue," said one girl.
"Nice try but the sky can be black or purple or even orange," replied the teacher.
"The grass is definitely green," said a little boy.
"Well... The grass can be brown too."
Little Johnny raised his hand.
"Yes Johnny?"
"Are farts solid?" asked little Johnny.
Finding this an odd question she was slightly shocked, but answered anyway, "No Johnny."
"Well I definitely pooped my pants."

Girl, forget chemistry, you and I have solid geometry

Because our points are maximally separated, and it's perfectly platonic.

I've been suffering from diarrhea the past few days

...but I'm finally making some solid progress.

What do you call a gun made fully from concrete?

An asphalt rifle

Solid joke right?

Hey, anyone want to move to pompeii?

I hear the economy is pretty solid over there.

What's it called when a substance goes directly from solid to gas?

p**... evaporation

I was in a chemistry class

We were dissolving a solid pill in water. While everyone else's dissolved completely, mine had a few chunks left in the water. I asked the instructor what's the problem, but she just told me "whatever it is, you dont have a solution".

If you ever want to build a home for the poor

A foundation is a solid place to start

Constipation puns aren't my favorite jokes...

but they're a solid number two.

A solid joke

A scientist is studying the three states of matter.

The scientist then makes an amazing discovery, the scientist in the other room then walks in, he asks "What's the matter?"

Two couples decide to spend the weekend away together at a posh hotel......

When they get there, one girl suggests they indulge in partner-swapping as a trial. After 2 hours of solid s**... by the fireside, a girl turned to her new partner and said, "Wow! This is the very best s**... I've had in years! I wonder how the guys are doing?"

How many Forbes writers does it take to make a good, solid tech article?

You're in for a n**... surprise -
No one knows yet. But we're keeping count.

People say that having a baby makes you exhausted.

But I usually get eight solid hours of sleep every month.

Amusingly, the flow of e**... in the sewer system is well-regulated.

And thanks to modern architectural decor, it's all in all a pretty solid waste system.

If I'm not a solid, a liquid, or a gas, does that mean...

...I don't matter?

I loved my pet rock

Our friendship was solid

Some people say that leafy greens are the best thing for colon health

But I think fiber makes a solid number two.

"How's your diarrhea?"

"Well there's nothing solid planned yet for the foreseeable future..."

I used to beleive the earth was flat for 4 solid years

Then I turned 5

A police officer arrested a bottle of water because it was wanted in three different states

Solid, liquid and gas

I have a nice solid bowel movement every morning at 6AM.

Problem is... I wake up at 7.

p**... jokes aren't my favourite kind of joke.

But they are a solid #2.

If Kanye West is running ...

I think Vanilla Ice should run for president at some point as well. He'd have a solid campaign slogan "If there was a problem, I'll solve it" and he'd make everyone collaborate and listen.

A pencil isn't my favorite writing tool...

...but it's a solid number 2

Jokes about p**... aren't my favorite.

But they are a solid #2.

Knock knock?

Whose there?

A little old lady

....

A little old lady who?

...

I didn't know you could yodel!

Credit does to Google voice assistant. I sheer shock had me laughing for a solid 15 seconds.

my boyfriend is like the square root of -100

a solid 10 but completely imaginary

I must have ate something wrong last weekend because I had diarrhea for the next few days.

So today was the first day I felt normal, I took care of myself and I finally did myself a solid.

Dated a gold digger once.

I date this girl once, she was a solid 10. She was smoking hot, and crazy in bed. Things went south though, she claimed I lied about how much money I had.

And I was like my exact words where, that I has worth between 40 and 75 million dollars .

So what if it was only $2,165. It is still between $40- $75,000,000.

Three old ladies playing a round of bridge

The first old lady says, "You know, I'm really starting to lose my memory these days. The other day I went into the kitchen and forgot why I went."

The second old lady shakes her head, "That's nothing. The other day I went down the stairs and stopped halfway because I didn't know why I was going down."

The third lady says nothing and keeps playing, and the other two look at her expectantly. She looks at them both, "What? Don't look at me, my memory is as solid as this table." She then knocks on the table, looks at the door and says, "Hello? Who's there?!"

I really like rock puns.

They're something we shouldn't take for granite. I mean, they are pretty solid.

Let's just face it, geology rocks!

PS: I just hit rock bottom, didn't I?

Solid gold toilet.

I walked in on a man using a solid gold toilet.

"How many karats is that, sir?"

"None, but there is a lot of corn."

A really good bowel movement may not be the absolute greatest thing in the world

But it's a solid #2.

Legal Humor

A recent news headline indicated that lawyers were now being used as experimental test subjects in place of laboratory rats. I read further because this just didn't seem right, but the story gave several very solid reasons for the substitution of lawyers for rats.

First: There are more of them.

Second: The researchers had a tendency to become attached to the laboratory rats.

Third: There are just some things you can't get a rat to do.

I once had a beautiful Roman girlfriend

She was a solid X

I have 100% solid proof that masks don't work!

My wife went on a business trip and on the plane they made her wear a mask -- and now she has chlamydia!

You're one in a million...

...a solid 0.00001 out of 10.

President Biden has announced water is now only legal in three states.

Solid, liquid and gas.

I'm giving out my personal credit card info to anyone that wants it

It's several shades of blue, very thin, about 3 long and 2 tall with these little raised numbers and letters on it, it has what looks like a SIM card on one end, a WiFi symbol looking thingy on the front, it has a bunch of tiny words and some additional numbers on the back with a solid black section. Have fun shopping folks.

I used to be Genderfluid...

But now it's getting colder and now I'm a solid.

What do you call a 12-sided platonic solid that loosely resembles an extinct flightless bird?

A dododecahedron

A pirate captain was sailing to Antarctica in search of treasure.

One morning, his first mate woke him.

Captain, the ship won't move! The ocean is frozen solid!

The pirate captain rose from his bed, yawned, and stretched. After a good scratch, he put on his boots and coat, and strode out of his quarters.

As he arrived at the bow of the ship, his men gathered around in nervous anticipation. He pulled out his pocket telescope and took a good, long look around the entire horizon. He collapsed his telescope, placed it back in his pocket, and clasped his hands behind his back. After some time, he tipped his head down toward his first mate and said:

Ice sea.

In solidarity with much of the world pulling Russian products off the shelves ...

In solidarity with much of the world pulling Russian products off the shelves and banning them from events, I will do my part and not play Russian Roulette for the foreseeable future.

I heard a boring joke about liquid

It's not a solid joke

Manure isn't the best fertilizer ...

but it's a solid number two.

Toilet jokes are not my most favourite kind ...