Solid Jokes

Following is our collection of funnies and chistes working better than reddit. They include Solid puns, dirty or clean gags suitable for kids, that are actually fun like the best witze.

The Best jokes about Solid

My girlfriend is like the square root of -100.

A solid 10, but also imaginary.

If you heat your solid state drive into a gaseous state drive, do you get cloud storage?

In what state are most cows found in?

Solid

I've been interrogating the dog for two solid hours.

He still won't tell me who's a good boy.

There are four states of matter.

Solid, liquid, gas, and black lives.

My friends laughed at me

when I told them I have a girlfriend. They said she was like the square root of -100, a solid 10 but imaginary.

Well, joke is on them. They are also imaginary.

My 8 year old brother came up to me and asked if I wanted to hear a joke, this is how it went

Bro," what washes up on a tiny beach?"
Me," No idea."
Bro," a microwave."
Followed by about 2 seconds of me not getting it then laughing for a solid minute

If I'm not a solid, a liquid, or a gas, does that mean...

...I don't matter?

When your body is a solid 10

But your intro and conclusion need work

A teacher asks her student about his favorite tree...

Teacher: "Bob, which tree do you love most?"

Bob: "The eucalyptus is pretty"

Teacher: "That's nice. How do you spell eucalyptus?"

Bob: "Yep, can't go wrong with a good solid oak"

A teacher asked her class to use "definitely" in a sentence.

"The sky is definitely blue," said one girl.
"Nice try but the sky can be black or purple or even orange," replied the teacher.
"The grass is definitely green," said a little boy.
"Well... The grass can be brown too."
Little Johnny raised his hand.
"Yes Johnny?"
"Are farts solid?" asked little Johnny.
Finding this an odd question she was slightly shocked, but answered anyway, "No Johnny."
"Well I definitely pooped my pants."

A woman called up St. John's hospital and asked "I want to know if the patient Sarah James in Room No 1438 is getting better"

The nurse replied, "She is doing very well. She had her first solid meal today, her blood pressure is fine and if she continues improving she might even be sent home in a couple of days."

The woman said, "Thank God! That's wonderful news!"

Nurse: I take it you must be a family member or a close friend!

Woman: No I am Sarah James. No one tells me anything here.

Bathroom humour is not my favorite type of humour...

but it's a solid #2.

The First Night of the Honeymoon

The groom and bride had finally reached their honeymoon suite and both were eager to consummate the marriage as quickly as possible. The groom was a huge man, over 6'6" tall and 250 solid pounds of muscle. The bride a beautiful and diminutive woman.

The groom looked at his beautiful bride, took off his pants and threw them at her feet. "Put those on." He ordered.

She gave him a bewildered expression, but attempted to do as he asked. "They're too big, they won't stay on." She exclaimed.

"That's right, just remember who wears the pants in this family."

She gave him a narrow look and removed her pants and threw them at his feet. "Put those on." She ordered.

The groom could not even get his big toe into his wife's pants. "I.. I can't get into them." He stated struggling.

She declared back: "That's right and until your attitude changes that's the way it's going to be."

That's some solid advice!

A man escapes from prison where he has been for 15 years. He breaks into a house to look for money and guns and finds a young couple in bed.


He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a chair. While tying the girl to the bed, he gets on top of her, kisses her neck, then gets up and goes into the bathroom.

While he's in there, the husband tells his wife, "Listen this guy's an escaped convict - look at his clothes! He probably spent lots of time in jailand hasn't seen a woman in years. I saw how he kissed your neck. If he wants sex, don't resist, don't complain, do whatever he tells you. Satisfy him no matter how much he nauseates you. This guy is probably very dangerous. If he gets angry, he'll kill us. Be strong, honey. I love you."



To which the wife responds, "He wasn't kissing my neck. He was whispering in my ear. He told me he was gay, thought you were cute, and asked if we had any Vaseline. I told him it was in the bathroom. Be strong, honey. I love you too.

What do you call a gun made fully from concrete?

An asphalt rifle

Solid joke right?

An old lady received 3 wishes...

An old lady sat on her front porch, rocking away the last days of her long life, when all of a sudden, a fairy godmother appeared and informed her that she would be granted three wishes.

Well, now, said the old lady, I guess I would like to be really rich.
*POOF* Her rocking chair turned into solid gold.

And, gee, I guess I wouldn't mind being a young, beautiful princess.
*POOF* She turned into a beautiful young woman.


Your third wish? asked the fairy godmother. Just then the old woman's cat wandered across the porch in front of them. Ooh – can you change him into a handsome prince? she asked.
*POOF*

And there before her stood a young man more handsome than anyone could have possibly imagined. She stared at him, smitten. With a smile that made her knees weak, he sauntered across the porch and whispered in her ear,

Bet you're sorry you had me neutered.

Old Lady and the Fairy Godmother

An old lady is rocking away the last of her days on her front porch, reflecting on her long life, when, all of a sudden, a fairy godmother appears in front of her and informs her that she will be granted three wishes.

Well, now, says the old lady, I guess I would like to be really, really rich. *POOF* Her rocking chair turns to solid gold. She smiles and says, Gee, I guess I wouldn't mind being a young, beautiful princess. *POOF* She turns into a beautiful young woman.

Your third wish? asked the fairy godmother.

Just then the old woman's cat wanders across the porch in front of them. Ooh… can you change him into a handsome prince? she asks. *POOF* There before her stands a young man, more handsome than anyone could possibly imagine.

She stares at him, smitten. With a smile that makes her knees weak. He saunters across the porch and whispers in her ear, Bet you're sorry you had me neutered!

A woman takes her dog for a walk in the snow...

A woman takes her dog for a walk in the snow. When she gets home, she sees that his paws are frozen solid, and caked with ice! The next day she takes her dog to the vet, and asks
"can you shave my dog's paws so that snow doesn't get stuck in his fur?" The vet responds
"Shaving isn't the best option for dog paws, you should go to the drugstore and use some Nair shampoo instead." At the drugstore, the woman goes to check out with her bottle of Nair. Upon seeing this, the pharmacist says
"If you're using this on your legs, be sure not to shave for three days to avoid irritation." The woman responds
"No, it's not for my legs" The pharmacist says
"Well, if you're using this on your underarms, don't use deodorant for three days to avoid irritation there." The woman says
"Oh, no, it's for my Schnauzer." The pharmacist responds
"In that case, when you're done, don't ride your bike for a while."



-My barber told this one, today.

I enjoy rating countries on a 0-10 scale

I give Nepal a solid 7.8. The score is so high, it's ground breaking

A guy walks into a bar and orders 15 shots...

He proceeds to drink them in 15 minutes and then leave. He returns the next night and repeats the procedure, 15 shots in 15 minutes. This goes on for 3 solid months. It gets to the point that the bartender starts setting up the 15 drinks before the guy even arrives.

One night, the guy walks in as the bartender is preparing his order and waves away the 15 shots. "What's the matter," asks the bartender, "You're one of the best drinkers I've ever seen"

The man replies, "It's just that I got a little too drunk last night I went home and blew chunks."

The bartender says, "So what, everyone gets sick now and again."

The guy says, "You don't understand, Chunks is my dog."

If you're not part of the solution,

you're either a solid or a gas.

I wouldn't say pooping is my favorite activity.....

But it's a solid number two.

There are 5 Types of Matter...

Gas

Solid

Liquid

Plasma

and most importantly
Black Lives

My girlfriend is like the square root of -100

A solid 10 but non-existent

A Catholic bishop, a Hebrew rabbi and a Buddhist lama were sitting in a boat and fishing.

The rabbi looked at his watch and said: "Hey, it's lunch time, there's a restaurant on the shore, I'll go and eat there".
He stepped overboard and walked to the shore on the surface of the lake as if it was solid.

The lama watched him and said: "Yeah, I'll also go and have a lunch".
He also stepped overboard and walked on water to the shore.

The bishop sat in the boat confused. Finally he thought: "God, if a Hebrew and a Buddhist can walk on water then I also should be able to, just like Jesus did!"
He stepped overboard but just splashed into water.

The rabbi and the lama were watching him trying to climb back into the boat.
"Maybe we should've told him about those submerged poles and stones in the water," the rabbi said.
"What poles and stones?" the lama asked.

Some people say that leafy greens are the best thing for colon health

But I think fiber makes a solid number two.

Scientists say there are now 4 confirmed states of matter

Solid matter
Liquid matter
Gas matter
and most recently...
Black Lives matter

The first three states of matter are liquid, solid, and gas. What are four and five?

Nine.

What did the solid say to the liquid?

What's the matter?

Can you move my atoms closer together?

You'd be doing me a real solid.

An Irishman visits his doctor after a long illness.

An Irishman goes to his doctor after a long illness.
The doctor, after a lengthy examination, sighs, looks him in the eye and says, "I've some bad news for you. You have cancer, and I'm afraid it can't be cured. I'd give you two weeks to a month to live."
The guy is shocked and saddened by the news, but of solid character. He walks back into the waiting room where his son is waiting for him and says, "Well son, we Irish celebrate when things are good, and we celebrate when things don't go so well. In this case, things aren't so well. I have cancer, and I've been given a short time to live. Let go to the pub and have a few pints."
After four or five pints, they are feeling a little less somber. There are some laughs and more beers.
Eventually the two are approached by some of the guy's old friends who ask them what they are celebrating. So the guy tells his friends, "I've got only a few weeks to live as I have been diagnosed with AIDS."
His friends give are quite shocked about this and so they stay to have a couple of beers with him and his son.
After his friends leave, the guys' son leans over to his dad and whispers in confusion „Dad, I though you said that you had cancer? Why you just told your friends that you were dying from AIDS!"
Well , the guy says, "I just don't want any of them sleeping with your mother after I'm gone."

I wish my GPA was more like me

because I'm a solid 4

How many Forbes writers does it take to make a good, solid tech article?

You're in for a nasty surprise -
No one knows yet. But we're keeping count.

SCIENTIST: I just boiled water.

ME: Solid.

SCIENTIST: No.

ME: I just mean that's cool.

SCIENTIST: WRONG AGAIN!

Two couples decide to spend the weekend away together at a posh hotel......

When they get there, one girl suggests they indulge in partner-swapping as a trial. After 2 hours of solid sex by the fireside, a girl turned to her new partner and said, "Wow! This is the very best sex I've had in years! I wonder how the guys are doing?"

What is the most volatile state? Solid, liquid or gaseous?

Islamic State.

I froze some paint today.

Now it's just one solid color.

Jesus returned to earth...

And stayed anonymous for a while, but eventually a priest discovered who he was. He was discreet, but insisted that he take a solid gold cross. Before he took it, he prayed to his father and said,

"Father, should I accept this gift?"

God replies, "The solid gold cross?"

"Yes."

"What would you do with a solid gold cross? You could hardly carry a wooden one!"

Girl, forget chemistry, you and I have solid *geometry*

Because our points are maximally separated, and it's perfectly platonic.

A solid joke

A scientist is studying the three states of matter.

The scientist then makes an amazing discovery, the scientist in the other room then walks in, he asks "What's the matter?"

"How's your diarrhea?"

"Well there's nothing solid planned yet for the foreseeable future..."

I don't understand why people are so mad about football players taking a knee

Its a solid strategy for running out the clock in the 4th quarter.

People say Alaska sucks because it's all ice...

but I think it's a real solid state.

Why is there a solid traffic line painted down the middle of the corridor of the government office building?

So the people coming in late don't run into into the people going home early.

If you ever want to build a home for the poor

A foundation is a solid place to start

People say that having a baby makes you exhausted.

But I usually get eight solid hours of sleep every month.

I've been suffering from diarrhea the past few days

...but I'm finally making some solid progress.

Two wires at sea

Two wires were on an ocean cruise when the ship sprung a leak and sank. The solid core wire managed to climb into a lifeboat and head to safety.

The other was stranded.

How do you explain to someone that ice isn't a liquid?

Just give some solid facts.

Constipation puns aren't my favorite jokes...

but they're a solid number two.

Amusingly, the flow of excrement in the sewer system is well-regulated.

And thanks to modern architectural decor, it's all in all a pretty solid waste system.

A forester and a Lawyer die...

So a Forester and a Lawyer die and go to heaven. They're greeted at the gates by their guide. He motions for them to follow and leads them down a beautiful, gold washed path. At the end of the path they reach a solid gold mansion, glittering in the sun. The Guide turns to the Lawyer and says,"This is where you will spend eternity. We hope it's to your liking." The Lawyer thanks him profusely and enters the mansion.

The guide motions to the Forester and they move on down a beautiful cobble street. They keep going. They pass by giant Victorian neighborhood and still keep going. They pass a regular suburb, then a trailer park, then shacks. Finally they end up on a barely visible dirt path where they reach a lean-to. The guide says,"This is where you will spend eternity. We hope you like it."

The Forester stops the guide and says,"Why do I get the lean-to? I was good my whole life. I never did anything bad. Why does the other guy get a solid gold mansion?"

The guide looks shocked as he replies,"Sir, we get Foresters all the time. That was the first Lawyer we have ever had."

I was in a chemistry class

We were dissolving a solid pill in water. While everyone else's dissolved completely, mine had a few chunks left in the water. I asked the instructor what's the problem, but she just told me "whatever it is, you dont have a solution".

I was at a boxing match the other day and one of the boxers only had one hand...

But he sure did have a solid left hook.

Hey, anyone want to move to pompeii?

I hear the economy is pretty solid over there.

I heard prison is a great place to grab a drink...

... apparently there are a bunch of really solid bars.

What's it called when a substance goes directly from solid to gas?

Premature evaporation

How does Big Boss store his photos?

On a Solid Snake Drive 120 gb

sorry :\

Did anybody see the article about the leopard whose fur was bleached solid white?

It was recently spotted

What do you call the work of a renowned geologist?

Rock solid

I loved my pet rock

Our friendship was solid

A joke I heard from Walter Matthau

Three old men are talking and the first old man goes if I could do a good number 1 , just a number one for three seconds I'd be happy with myself

The second goes if I could do a solid number 2, just a quick, swift number 2 I'd be satisfied

The third guy goes well I do an awesome number 1 , like Niagara Falls , every morning at 7:30, then number 2 , like Mt St Helens every morning at 7:32 and I just hate it

The two other men ask why do you not like that ?

The third guy says it's because I don't get out of bed until 9

I can do a Snake impression

My friends say it's pretty solid

What's an owl's favorite rock band?

Owls personally prefer the track list of Rock Band 2. Just a solid game.

So I was trying to get some solid advice on consensual sex from a police officer.

Apparently 9/10 police officers stated that if you can't say no, it means yes.

The clorophorm didn't work on the tenth officer.

There is no solid evidence of global warming...

...it all melted.

Any love for a dry sense of humor?

This was my grandpas all time favorite joke of all time, and when he would tell it he would laugh uncontrollably for a solid 2 minutes.

Whats brown and sticky?

A stick!

What does the travel ban look like at Wal-mart?

Well, it's just a small version of regular sized Ban, both the roll-on and invisible solid.

The substance was mildly acidic on the pH scale

It was a solid 5/7

Leroy

A woman who has recently moved to a new area goes into the local welfare office to meet her now case worker. All is going well, her case for welfare is pretty solid, but then the worker notices something a bit off.

He asks the woman, "Excuse me ma'am, but according to this you have fourteen sons. Is this true?"

"Mmm-hmm. They's my boys."

"Well yes ma'am, I understand that, but why are all fourteen of them named 'Leroy.'"

"Well that just makes it easier for me. Whenever I wants my boys to come for breakfast, I jus' yell 'LEEROY!' and all my boys come running. Whenever I wants my boys to come for a bath, I jus' yell out 'LEEEROY!' and all my boys come a'running."

"Well then, ma'am," says the worker, "I guess that makes sense to me, but what do you do if you want to talk to just one of your sons?"

"Oh, I jus' call him by 'is *last* name."

Killing two birds with one stone this weekend

Taking my mother to Hooters sounds rock solid.

An ice cube decided to wear a new hat

A nice man saw this, and said to the ice cube: "Looking solid, dude!"

The ice cube absolutely melted at this sweet compliment.

Now he's looking liquid, dude.

Imodium is not my first choice anti-diarrhea medicine...

But it's a solid number two.

Three men are in a car that is pulled over for speeding....

We'll call them Jim, James, and John. The officer walks up to the car and says "Alright boys, drop your pants. If you can show me 16 inches between the three of you, I'll let you go." Jim drops his pants, and measures in at 7 inches. James drops his pants and also measures in at 7 inches. John drops his pants and is rocking a solid 2 inches. The officer says "Alright boys, that's 16. You're free to go." After that, the men get back in the car and sit in an awkward silence for a bit before Jim says "You boys are lucky I'm 7 inches." James says "You guys are lucky I'm 7 inches also." John replies, "You guys sure were lucky I was hard."

What do you call a reliable male pornstar?

A solid performer.

Why were the first soliders ready to enter a battle in the American Revolution so bad in bed?

They were all minutemen.

Why can't Google maps hold down a solid relationship

Because it's always looking for the quickest possible route

You know Metal Gear Solid?

It's no wonder The Patriots were never identified...

They were really good at La-Li-Laying-Low.

What is it called when a gas turns directly into a solid?

Sharting

Why did the engineers of the Titanic II make sure to include a solid Bluetooth system?

They didn't want the ship to get stuck syncing again.

Brazil have started playing 'Rock & Roll football'

They play with a rock solid defence, midfield and attack, and have Neymar rolling around on the ground.

Use only working piadas for adults and blagues for friends.

Joko Jokes