Soldier Jokes
136 soldier jokes and hilarious soldier puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about soldier that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.
Do you have a favorite soldier joke? Get ready to laugh as we share some of the most hilarious jokes about soldiers, making fun of a soldier's everyday life on the frontline. From winter soldier jokes to jokes about comrades in the marines, you'll find something to make you chuckle.
Quick Jump To
- Short Soldier Jokes
- Soldier One Liners
- Soldier Making Jokes
- Soldier Guy Jokes
- Wounded Soldier Jokes
- More Soldier Jokes
Funniest Soldier Short Jokes
Short soldier jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The soldier humour may include short trooper jokes also.
- A Roman soldier is bragging to his friend: 'You'll never guess with how many women I've slept!' 'Mmm?'
'Not that many!' - China has now banned any military personnel to use apple watches due to security reasons. One soldier says with tears in his eyes but but my daughter made it for me .
- What do you call a soldier that's survived mustard gas and pepper spray? A seasoned veteran
- A soldier survived mustard gas in battle, and then pepper spray by the police. What type of veteran is he? A seasoned veteran.
- Soulja Boy is not even a soldier. Dr. Dre is not even a doctor. Adele is not even a computer.
*Keep the joke going in the comments.* - "Mr. President, two Brazilian soldiers were killed yesterday in Iraq." "Oh my god... How many is a Brazilian?"
- Just been talking to an old guy, ex-soldier. He explained to me he had been exposed to mustard gas and pepper spray, it was nice chatting to a seasoned veteran.
- I once knew a soldier who suffered through both mustard gas and pepper spray. He was a seasoned veteran.
- Camouflage training The sergeant-major growled at the young soldier, "I didn't see you at camouflage training this morning."
"Thank you very much, sir." - Why did the Mexican army attack the Alamo with only 2000 soldiers? they only had one pickup
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Soldier One Liners
Which soldier one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with soldier? I can suggest the ones about military veteran and army officer.
- How many french soldiers does it take to defend Paris? I don't know, it's never been done
- How do you stop a Russian tank? Shoot the soldiers pushing it.
- Why did the Mexican Army only bring 5000 soldiers to the Alamo? They only had 2 vans
- How do you stop a Russian tank? You shoot the two soldiers pushing it.
- What should ukrainian soldiers paint on captured Russian tanks? Ctrl-
- How do you stop a North Korean tank? Shoot the soldier pushing it.
- How do you stop a russian tank from advancing? Shoot the soldier pushing it.
- Two soldiers are in a tank… …one turns to the other and says, "blubblublbublub".
- A lawyer, comedian, and a soldier walk into a bar Zelensky is his name
- I once killed an enemy soldier by cutting off his feet. I defeated him.
- What do you call it when ISIS soldiers run for cover? 100 meter Daesh
- What do you call 1000 soldiers with no legs? An army.
- Did you hear about the soldier that got pepper sprayed? He's a seasoned veteran now.
- Officer: Soldier, I did not see you in camouflage class. Soldier: Thank you sir.
- What do you get when you cross babies with soldiers? Infantry.
Soldier Making Jokes
Here is a list of funny soldier making jokes and even better soldier making puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- Why don't Twitter users make good soldiers? Because they are quick to retweet
- Methamphetamine was used widely by both axis and allied soldiers in WW2. Making it the true War On Drugs.
- There's this new camouflage being developped that apparently makes soldiers invisible! You have to not see it to believe it.
- A soldier failed the bomb defusal course He just didn't make the cut
- Why don't Twitter users make good soldiers? Because they're always too quick to retweet.
- How do you make 490 Roman soldiers laugh? XD
- Why were the Roman soldiers so good at making friends? Because of their frequent bridge building exercises.
- Why do women make better soldiers? Because they can bleed for a week and not die.
- In the Vietnam war, American soldiers would eat small amounts of C4 plastic to get high Does this explosive make you high? C4 yourself
- Marvel is making a "Winter Soldier" standalone film and I get to play his roly poly sidekick. They call me...the "Summer Sausage"
Soldier Guy Jokes
Here is a list of funny soldier guy jokes and even better soldier guy puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- I heard jesus was a pretty gay guy cause he got nailed by soldiers
- other soldiers in the t**... horse: [angrily staring at me] **me:** guys my clarinet isn't going to practice itself
![Soldier joke, other soldiers in the t**... horse: [angrily staring at me]](/images/jokes/soldier-jokes-how-many-french-soldiers-does-it-take-to-defend-pa.jpg "Soldier joke, other soldiers in the t**... horse: [angrily staring at me]")
Wounded Soldier Jokes
Here is a list of funny wounded soldier jokes and even better wounded soldier puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- A soldier was rushed to the hospital with a horrific bayonet wound. Unfortunately, he was pronounced dead on a rifle.
- An Imperial Roman soldier was wounded on the battlefield. His life was saved when he was time traveled to the modern world to be hooked up to an IV. He asked, "What is that for?"
- We lost a brave soldier today, died from a fatal wound to the aorta... But he did not die in vein.
- Does anyone know the joke about the soldier who had his wounds tended to? I can't remember it, but I know it's not a pun. There is no pun in tended to soldiers.
- Why did the young soldier go off searching for a wounded p**...? A cowboy told him there was a hoedown.
Amusing & Witty Soldier Jokes for Laughter-Filled Fun
What funny jokes about soldier you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean army jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make soldier pranks.
"That's not it."
A general noticed one of his soldiers behaving oddly. The soldier would pick up any piece of paper he found, frown and say, "That's not it" and put it down again. This went on for some time, until the general arranged to have the soldier psychologically tested. The psychologist concluded that the soldier was deranged, and wrote out his discharge from the army. The soldier picked it up, smiled and said, "That's it."
A large group of Russian soldiers...
A large group of Russian soldiers in the border area in 1939 are moving down a road when they hear a voice call from behind a small hill: "One Finnish soldier is better than ten Russian". The Russian commander quickly orders 10 of his best men over the hill where a gun-battle breaks out and continues for a few minutes, then silence. The voice once again calls out: "One Finn is better than one hundred Russians."
Furious, the Russian commander sends his next best 100 troops over the hill and instantly a huge gun fight commences. After 10 minutes of battle, again silence.
The calm Finnish voice calls out again: "One Finn is better than one thousand Russians!"
The enraged Russian commander musters 1000 fighters and sends them to the other side of the hill. Rifle fire, machine guns, grenades, rockets and cannon fire ring out as a terrible battle is fought.... Then silence.
Eventually one badly wounded Russian fighter crawls back over the hill and with his dying words tells his commander,
"Don't send any more men......it's a trap. There are two of them."
Thanksgiving in Bulgaria
Obviously Thanksgiving is an American holiday. However, as a former soldier deployed to Southern Europe, I was given a week long pass during the week of Thanksgiving. I decided to go to Bulgaria. You know what the best thing about Thanksgiving in Bulgaria is?
Bulgaria is next to Turkey and Greece.
One soldier
As a group of soldiers stood in formation at an Army Base, the Drill Sergeant said, "All right! All you idiots fall out."
As the rest of the squad wandered away, one soldier remained at attention.The Drill Instructor walked over until he was eye-to-eye with him, and then raised a single eyebrow. The soldier smiled and said, "Sure was a lot of 'em, huh, sir?"
After both suffering from depression for a while, me and the wife were going to commit s**... yesterday....
But strangely enough, once she killed herself, I started to feel a lot better. So I thought, f**... it, soldier on!
What's the difference between a soldier and a teacher?
As a soldier, it is your job to kill people.
As a teacher, it is your job to try very hard not to kill people.
Patriotism
A nurse was taking care of a soldier in the Army Hospital.
"How I wish I could kiss the American flag before I die," the soldier said.
The nurse was extremely touched by the soldier's patriotism and said, "I have a tattoo of the American flag on my bottom. You may kiss it if you don't mind."
"Of course I wouldn't mind. Thank you for fulfilling my last wish," the soldier said.
The nurse took off her p**... and the dying soldier kissed the flag.
"Thank you, nurse," he said "Now would you be so kind as to turn around so that I could kiss Bush too?"
Fatherhood
A soldier asks his sergeant if he can have a couple of days off because he's going to become a father. 'Very well, you can have three days off' the sergeant says. After three days the soldier is back and the sergeant asks him what the name of the kid is. 'No idea' the soldier responds 'but I will tell you in nine months'.
When I got depressed, I joined the Army.
I didn't have any experience or motivation, I just wanted a soldier to cry on.
A British soldier meets an Australian soldier on a warzone
**British soldier**: Did you come here to die?
**Australian soldier**: Nah mate, I came here yesterday!
Falklands veteran
A British officer spotted a busker in the London Underground with a sign that read: "VETERAN SOLDIER OF THE FALKLANDS WAR." The officer thought, "Poor chap, I was there and it was awful!" Feeling sorry for a fellow veteran, he took £20 out of his wallet and gave it to the busker. The officer was then greeted with a hearty: "Gracias, Señor!"
3 bags.
A Scotsman, Englishman and an Irishman are all being chased by soldiers, they all run into a Barn and hide in big burlap sacks. The soldier walk in and hunt for them, they poke the first bag and the Scotsman says "Meow!" so they pass it off as a bag of kittens. They poke the second pack and the Englishman says "Woof!" so they pass it off as a bag of puppies. They poke the third bag and the Irishman says "Potatoes!"
What do you call a soldier who has been mustard gassed and pepper sprayed?
A seasoned veteran.. I'm so sorry
A North Korean soldier runs across the DMZ and yells to the US Army "Kim Jong Un is an idiot!" and gets thrown in a labor camp for 16 years by the government.
1 year for insulting the Dear Leader and the other 15 for revealing a state secret.
Few days ago an US Marine and a Russian General were talking at the beach
The Marine says to the General: "we have the greatest submarines on earth. We can last under water for several weeks."
The Russian interrupts:"no way our latest submarines last for 6 months without seeing any daylight."
The both stop talking as they are surprised by a submarine approaching the beach. A soldier jumps out raising his arm straight in the sky, yelling:"Hail h**... we need Diesel!"
A soldier is running from Military Police. He runs up to a nun, and asks, out of breath: "Please... may I hide under your tunic?"
..."I'll explain later."
The nun nods in agreement.
A moment later, two Military Police officers show up and ask:
"Sister, have you seen a soldier here?"
The nun shakes her head. MPs run off, and the soldier crawls out from under her tunic and says, "I can't thank you enough, sister. You see, I don't want to go to Syria. I want to return to my family..."
The nun nods and smiles.
The soldier, relieved, adds jokingly: "I hope I'm not rude, but you have a great pair of legs!"
The nun smiles, and replies in a deep voice "Well lad, if you had looked a bit higher, you would've seen a great pair of b**...… guess we're both not going to Syria."
Why are soldiers always so tired on April 1st?
Because they have just finished a 31 day March.
Three burglars break into a building and are confronted by a soldier, a cop, and a politician.
The politician tells the soldier to kill Burglar #1, and the two stab each other to death.
The politician then tells the cop to arrest Burglar #2, and the two beat each other unconscious.
The politician then walks up to Burglar #3 and says "I just saved your life, your freedom, and tripled your share of the loot. I think 20% is a fair cut."
After years in the Military
After years in the Military, the soldier survived mustard gas and pepper spray and was proud to finally be able to call himself a seasoned veteran.
A joke from WWII
A German soldier is talking to a Swiss soldier:
"How many soldiers could Switzerland mobilize if we were to invade?"
"Half a million within two days."
"And if we invade with a million troops?"
"We shoot twice and go home."
Camouflage training
"Soldier!"
"Yes, sergeant!"
"I haven't seen you at camouflage training today!"
"Thank you, sergeant!"
What do you get if you cross a soldier and a scientist?
A marine biologist.
A man was walking down a street in Moscow at night
A soviet soldier called out for the man to halt but the man started running, so the soldier shot him. The other soldier on duty asks the former, "Why'd you do that?"
"Why it's curfew," the soldier said.
"Well it's not curfew yet!" his partner said.
"I know- he's a friend of mine. I know where he lives and he couldn't have made it in time."
What did the soldier use to season his fries?
A salt rifle.
A soldier was given the job of hunting for buffalo...
To help him, he hired a Native American scout.
The two of them set off on their journey to find buffalo.
After riding awhile, the scout gets off his horse, puts his ear to the ground and says "Hmmm, buffalo come."
The soldier scans the area with his binoculars, but sees nothing.
He is confused and says to the scout, "I do not see anything, how do you know buffalo come?"
The scout replies, "Ear sticky".
Why the different branches of the military can't work together:
The reason why the services don't get along? They don't speak the same language. For example, if you tell a soldier to "Secure the building." he's going to set up claymores and machine gun nests with interlocking fields of fire. If you tell a Marine to "Secure the building." he's going to pie every room with his rifle in his hands and his Ka-bar on his waist. If you tell a sailor to "Secure the building." he's going to lock all the doors and windows and put all the sensitive documents in a furnace. If you tell an airman to "Secure the building." he's going to sign a lease agreement with an option to purchase.
Why I Joined the Air Force
The DOD was conducting an all service briefing and the leader posed this question.
What would you do if you found a scorpion in your tent?
A sailor said, I'd step on it.
A soldier said, I'd squash it with my boot.
A marine said, I'd catch it, break the stinger off, and eat it.
An Airman said. I'd call room service and find out why there's a tent in my room.
Did you hear about the retired soldier that got mustard gassed and pepper sprayed by the police?
He's now a seasoned veteran.
Not sure if this is a repost, one of my friends told me this
Why was the soldier tired on April 1st?
He had just come through a 31-day March.
A soldier finds a scorpion in his tent...
In the Marines, he kills the scorpion.
In the Army, he calls his CO and reports the presence of the scorpion.
In the Air Force, he calls the front desk and asks why there's a tent in his room.
What did the Roman soldier say when Jesus whispered his dying words on the cross?
Come again?
My dad told me this is why different branches of the military have so much trouble communicating.
They all have different vocabulary. For instance; "Secure that building."
Tell a marine that and he'll go kill everyone inside.
Tell a soldier and he'll put up razor wire, sandbags, and machine gun nests.
Tell a sailor and he'll go in and close and lock all the windows and doors.
Tell an airman and he will take out a lease with an option to buy.
"Great job!" said one Roman soldier to the other. "You really nailed that one!"
But Jesus was not impressed.
If two soldiers give each other h**......
Is it a Tug of War?
Two Prussian soldiers are talking to a captured French Soldier.
The Prussians ask, 'What do you fight for?'
'For money,' the Frenchman replies.
'You see, we Prussians fight not for wealth, but for honor!'
The Frenchman replies, 'So it is true that all men fight for what they lack.'
What's the difference between Logan Paul and a WW2 US soldier?
One shoots dead j**... and the other shoots j**... dead.
An Italian soldier wakes up in a hospital having been dragged out of the battle.
The doctor walks in and tells the soldier, "I'm sorry to inform you that both your arms and legs we're blown off in the heat of the fight".
The war hero starts to crying like a baby. The doctor peers round at his wife and asks, "do you think he'll be OK?"
She replies, "Would you be OK if you could never talk again?"
Two soldiers are in a tank
They both drowned
A woman was sobbing on the side of the street because she had accidentally locked her keys in her car,
a passing soldier saw this and assured her that he can help.
She looks on amazed as he removes his trousers, rolls them into a tight ball and rubs them against the car door.
Magically it opens....... "That's so clever," the woman gasps. "How did you do it?"
"Easy," replies the soldier. "These are my khakis."
A soldier was hit by mustard gas in war, and then pepper spray by a police officer.
He's now a seasoned veteran.
Jesus: "Pardon me, I'm afraid I don't know what to do with this cross."
Roman soldier: "Don't worry, you'll get the hang of it."
Two soldiers are lost in the desert, thirsty and starving.
Ahead they see a tree with strips of meat hanging from its branches.
"A bacon tree!" the first exclaims and he runs towards it only to be cut down by a s**...'s bullet.
"That's no bacon tree," says the other. " That's a ham-bush!"
An Australian General says to a soldier, Did you come here to die?
The soldier responds, No, sir. I came here yester-die!
What do you call a soldier who never made it past boot camp
A cop
An Aussie soldiers and an American soldier are pinned down in the Middle East.
The Aussie gets up and begins flailing his arms and laughing. When he gets back down, the American says
What, did you *come* here to die?
The Aussie responds Nah, I came here yesterday.
Finding a woman sobbing because she had locked her keys in the car, a passing soldier assures her that he can help.
She watches amazed as he takes off his trousers, rolls them into a tight ball and rubs them against the car door. Magically it opens.
"That's so clever!" the woman exclaims. "How did you do that?"
"Easy," replied the soldier, "These are my khakis."
An off duty soldier took a train.
When the train reach its first stop, a general walk in, and the soldier stood up, the general said. 'At ease soldier, sit down.'
The train reached its second stop, again the soldier stood up, the general once again said. 'At ease soldier, sit down.
When the train reach its third stop, again the soldier stood up, the general said.' You don't have to salute every time we reach a stop.' The soldier reply.
' I want to get off, I missed my stop 2 stations ago.'
Vladimir Putin and Kim Jong Un are discussing their countries, and decide to have a contest to see whose soldiers are more obedient.
They are in a hotel at the top of a mountain near a cliff.
Vladimir Putin instructs a soldier to run and jump off the cliff. The soldier says "Please Putin, I have a wife and children!" Putin lets him go.
Kim Jong Un instructs a soldier to jump. The soldier runs to jump off the cliff. Putin grabs him before he can, telling him not to jump. The soldier says "Please Putin, I have a wife and children!"
A woman accidentally locked her keys in her car and was pacing frantically on the side of the street, when a soldier from Boston passing by saw this and assured her that he could help. She looked on in amazement as he removed his trousers, rolled them into a tight ball...
...and rubbed them against the car door.
Magically, it opened!!
"That's incredible!!" the woman gasped. "How did you do it?"
"Easy..." replied the soldier. "These are my khakis."
As a soldier running through the forest you don't need to be concerned about running into an adult tree..
It's the infantree that's deadly!
A drill sergeant walks up to a soldier.
Drill sergeant: Soldier, I didn't see you at camouflage practice today.
Soldier: Thank you sir.
A roman soldier was looking at his shadow
"Oh s**..., I'm late!"
One day during a war....
A tall, strong and handsome Roman soldier broke into a house where he found two luscious maidens and their matronly nurse.
Chuckling with glee, he roared, "Prepare thyselves for a conquest, my pretties."
The lovely girls fell to their knees and pleaded with him, "Do with us as thou wilt, O Roman, but spare our faithful old nurse."
"Shut thy mouth," snapped the old nurse. "War is war."
An off-duty soldier is riding the train.
When the train reaches its first stop a general walks in and the soldier stood up.
"At ease soldier, sit down.", said the general.
The train reached its second stop and again the soldier stood up.
The general once again said, "At ease soldier, sit down."
The train reached its third stop and again the soldier stood up.
The general said, "You don't have to salute every time we reach a stop."
•
The soldier said, "I'm trying to get off, I missed my stop 2 stations ago."
A group of soldiers stood in formation at an army base.
The drill sergeant said, "All right! All you idiots fall out!"
As the rest of the squad wandered away, one soldier remained at attention. The drill instructor walked over until he was eye-to-eye with him, and then raised a single eyebrow.
The soldier smiled and said, "Sure was a lot of 'em, huh, sir?"
A man goes into the streets of Moscow and yells :
I am tired of this guy with a silly mustache and s**... rules being a leader! A soldier heard him, so he goes and catches him, later he brings the man to Stalin. Soldier says to Stalin what happened and Stalin asks the man : Who were you thinking about when you yelled in the streets? Man responds: Of course i was thinking about h**...! ; Stalin lets him go but then he stops the soldier to say: Who were YOU thinking about?
A soldier in WWII was shot but coins in his pocket stopped the bullet.
It was his life savings.
An american soldier was talking to a soviet soldier.
The american says, "the great thing about America is that we have freedom of speech! For instance, I can go right into the white house, walk up to president Reagan and say, "Mr. President, I completely disagree with the way you are running this country!" The soviet soldier responds, "so what? I can do that too!" The american soldier is baffled! He says, "really you can?"
"Sure! I can go right into the Kremlin, right up to the general secretary and say, "Mr. Gorbachev, I completely disagree with the way President Reagan is running his country!"
Did you hear about the soldier who was attacked with mustard gas and pepper spray?
He was a seasoned veteran
The soviet soldier asked the german how to get to Berlin
Soviet soldier:how do i go to Berlin ?
German: two hundred meters later take the third r**....
(it was my first english joke ever probably it gonna be the last one sorry for my broken english)
The newly appointed army captain, while inspecting the soldiers' barracks, saw a female horse.
**Captain**: What's that horse for?
**Soldier**: Our men use her if they can no longer control the urge, sir.
**Captain**: Ah, that's fine then.
One lonely night, the captain felt the urge, so he asked the soldier to bring the horse to his tent. When the captain was done with the horse, he said to the soldier waiting outside his tent.
**Captain**: It's so d**... hard! How the h**... do you guys do it?
**Soldier**: We ride on the horse to the next town where the girls are, sir.
A corporal needed to use the pay phone but didn't have change.
He saw a private mopping the floor nearby and asked, "Soldier, do you have change for a dollar?" The private replied, "Sure, hang on." The corporal gave him an icy stare and yelled, "That's no way to address your superior! Straighten up and let's try that again! Private, do you have change for a dollar?"
The private stood at attention and boomed, "NO SIR!"
A general noticed that one of his soldiers was behaving oddly since some days.
The soldier would pick up any piece of paper he found, frown and say,
"That's not it" and put it down again. This went on for some time, until the general arranged to have the soldier psychologically tested. The psychologist concluded that the soldier was deranged, and wrote out his discharge from the army.
The soldier picked it up, smiled and said, "That's it."
A young soldier was making his first parachute jump.
The corporal explained the procedure "You count to ten and pull the first ripcord. If the c**... doesn't open, pull the second. That should do it. Then, after you land, there'll be a truck waiting to pick you up."
The soldier checked his gear, called out the customary "Geronimo! " and jumped out of the plane. He counted to ten and pulled the ripcord. The c**... failed to open. He pulled the second ripcord and the c**... still didn't open. As he plummeted downward, he said, "I'll bet that g**... truck won't be there either."
An officer needed some change so he asked a near by soldier.
Officer: Soldier, do you have change for a dollar?
Soldier: Sure, buddy.
Officer: That's no way to address an officer! Now, let's try it again!
Officer: Soldier. Do you have change for a dollar?
Soldier: No, SIR!
A Russian soldier and an american soldier are drinking at a bar
The Russian says "I'm impressed by american p**.... It's so subtle but effective."
The american responds "What are you talking about, we don't do p**...."
A soldier finds a woman locked out of her car
A soldier finds a woman at the side of the road crying, and she tells him she's left her keys in her car. The soldier assures her that he can help.
She watches amazed as he takes off his trousers, rolls them into a ball and rubs them against the car door. Magically it opens.
"That's so clever!" the woman exclaims. "How did you do that?"
"Easy," replied the soldier, "These are my khakis."
You hear about the soldier who survived both mustard gas and pepper spray?
He was a seasoned veteran.
Borrow a dollar
An army officer asks to borrow a dollar from a soldier. "Sure, buddy," says the soldier. "That's no way to address a superior!" screams the officer.
"Now let's try that again. May I borrow a dollar, private?" "Sir, no, sir."
The guy with a silly mustache
A man goes into the streets of Moscow and yells : I am tired of this guy with a silly mustache and s**... rules being a leader!
A soldier heard him, so he goes and catches him, later he brings the man to Stalin.
Soldier says to Stalin what happened and Stalin asks the man : Who were you thinking about when you yelled in the streets?
Man responds: Of course I was thinking about h**...! ;
Stalin lets him go but then he stops the soldier to say: Who were YOU thinking about?
Did you hear about the soldier who snuck behind enemy lines disguised as a Christmas tree?
He was a decorated veteran.
