soldiers Jokes

funny pick up lines and hilarious soldiers puns

"That's not it."

A general noticed one of his soldiers behaving oddly. The soldier would pick up any piece of paper he found, frown and say, "That's not it" and put it down again. This went on for some time, until the general arranged to have the soldier psychologically tested. The psychologist concluded that the soldier was deranged, and wrote out his discharge from the army. The soldier picked it up, smiled and said, "That's it."


How many French soldiers does it take to defend Paris?

I don't know, it's never been done


One soldier

As a group of soldiers stood in formation at an Army Base, the Drill Sergeant said, "All right! All you idiots fall out."
As the rest of the squad wandered away, one soldier remained at attention.The Drill Instructor walked over until he was eye-to-eye with him, and then raised a single eyebrow. The soldier smiled and said, "Sure was a lot of 'em, huh, sir?"


Why did the Mexican Army only bring 5000 soldiers to the Alamo?

They only had 2 vans


"Mr. President, two Brazilian soldiers were killed yesterday in Iraq."

"Oh my god... How many is a Brazilian?"


Two soldiers are in a tank…

…one turns to the other and says, "blubblublbublub".


Two soldiers are walking through the desert...

And a scorpion crawls up on one of the Tim's leg and stings him right in the dick. Johnny calls the base and asks to talk with the medic. He tells him what happened to Tim and asks what the best course of action would be. Since the base is far away, the medic tells Johnny that he has to suck the venom out of the wound before it spreads. Tim asks: "What did the medic say?"
Johnny says: "He says you're gonna fucking die"


Why did the Mexican army attack the Alamo with only 2000 soldiers?

they only had one pickup


George W. Bush was sitting in the Oval Office when...

...his secretary walks in with a phone in his hand.

He says, "Three Brazilian soldiers were killed today in Iraq."

Upon hearing this The President says, "Oh my God!" and he buries his head in his hands.

The entire Cabinet was stunned. Usually George Bush showed no reaction whatsoever to these types of reports.

Just then, Bush looked up and said, "How many is a Brazilian??"


It's WW1 on the straits of Gallipoli, the soldiers are ready to charge from their trenches.

The british officers decides to make a rousing speech to his troops: "Listen here lads, did you come here to die?" and the australian answers "Nah mate, I came 'ere yesterday!"ο»Ώ


What's the difference between a group of Pakastani School Girls and a group of ISIS soldiers..

Don't ask me I just fly the drone.


What do you call it when ISIS soldiers run for cover?

100 meter Daesh


What do you call 1000 soldiers with no legs?

An army.


Why did the Romans pay their soldiers in salt?

So they would end up with seasoned veterans.



So it's 2004 and the War in Iraq is raging on.

President Bush calls Sec. Rumsfeld into the Oval Office to discuss the campaign.

Rumsfeld begins by saying, "Sir, there have been no American deaths today. But we do have word that 3 Brazillian soldiers were killed."

Much Rumsfeld's surprise, President Bush begins crying and banging his hands on the desk in the office.

Rumsfeld says, "Sir, what's wrong?"

Bush replies under his heavy sobs, "Exactly how many is a Brazillian?"


A joke from WWII

A German soldier is talking to a Swiss soldier:

"How many soldiers could Switzerland mobilize if we were to invade?"

"Half a million within two days."

"And if we invade with a million troops?"

"We shoot twice and go home."


A mother walks in on her son playing with his privates.

"Oh no..."

"What's wrong"

"Those soldiers were gonna be your Christmas present"


One soldier.

As a group of soldiers stood in formation at an Army Base, the Drill Sergeant said, "All right! All you idiots fall out." As the rest of the squad wandered away, one soldier remained at attention.The Drill Instructor walked over until he was eye-to-eye with him, and then raised a single eyebrow. The soldier smiled and said, "Sure was a lot of 'em, huh, Drill sergeant?"


Obama and a general are discussing how to attack ISIS

Obama: We need to get boots on the ground to attack them. Send in soldiers, artillery, and trucks.

General: You are forgetting something important sir.

Obama: No I am not.

General: Tanks, Obama.


Why are soldiers always so tired on April 1st?

Because they have just finished a 31 day March.


vintage Bush joke

Donald Rumsfeld is giving the president his daily briefing. He concludes by saying: "Yesterday, 3 Brazilian soldiers were killed."

"OH NO!" the President exclaims. "That's terrible!"

His staff sits stunned at this display of emotion, nervously watching as the President sits, head in hands.

Finally, the President looks up and asks, "How many is a brazillion?"


European Heaven and Hell

In Heaven the soldiers are British, the food is French, the lovers are Italian and everything is organized by the Germans.

In Hell the soldiers are French, the food is British, the lovers are German and everything is organized by the Italians.


What do you get when you cross babies with soldiers?



A very old veteran is telling a war story to his grandkids...

"So... My commander told me I was volunteering for scouting the area... So I grabbed my gun and went. After maybe two miles crawling in the mud, I fell into a hole and lost my rifle. As I got up, I found myself unarmed in front of 5 german soldiers! And then.... I shat my pants....

-That's understandable grandpa... You were scared. What happened next?

-No... I mean I shat my pants right fucking now.


Translated Slovakian joke

A guerilla fighter is caught by the Nazis during the uprising and is being interrogated. In his defence he says: "look my Grandpa was a great fighter, he shot 46 Soviet soldiers, so dont kill me please!" The Nazi guard asks him: "How do you know they were Soviet soldiers?" "Well, they all had SS on their helmets!"


What do you call a squadron of baby soldiers?



A mother walks in on her son playing with his privates...

"You really like those new toy soldiers, don't you?"


Guy joins the Army...

... but they are out of bayonets and ammo. They tell him to run into battle yelling "Bangitty bangitty bang!!! "Stabbity stabbity stab!"

Much to his surprise, enemy soldiers are dropping all around him.

Then, this really big enemy comes over the hill. The guy yells, "Bangitty bangitty bang!!! "Stabbity stabbity stab!", but the enemy keeps advancing and mows him down. As the enemy walks over him, he hears him shout, "Tankitty tankitty tank!"


A general and his slutty wife...

The general was going in a trip and he had to leave his wife ... he knew that she bangs the other soldiers so he put a razor inside her vagina

After he came back he said

" alright maggots drop your pants "

So one of the soldiers starts stuttering and asking him why sir ...


So they all drop their pants and all of their dicks are cut in half except one

So the general said " I knew I could trust you Bill . You're gonna get promoted "

So bill replies

" shanks thir "


President George W. Bush is sitting in his office...

...When one of his informants walks in to report,
"Mr. President, yesterday three Brazilian soldiers were killed by Al Qaeda."
Bush is silent for a moment as he holds his head in his hands in immense sadness.
"Sir, what's wrong?" asks the informant.
Bush brings his head up to look at the man and asks,
"How many is a Brazilian, exactly?"


A large group of Russian soldiers...

A large group of Russian soldiers in the border area in 1939 are moving down a road when they hear a voice call from behind a small hill: "One Finnish soldier is better than ten Russian". The Russian commander quickly orders 10 of his best men over the hill where a gun-battle breaks out and continues for a few minutes, then silence. The voice once again calls out: "One Finn is better than one hundred Russians."

Furious, the Russian commander sends his next best 100 troops over the hill and instantly a huge gun fight commences. After 10 minutes of battle, again silence.
The calm Finnish voice calls out again: "One Finn is better than one thousand Russians!"

The enraged Russian commander musters 1000 fighters and sends them to the other side of the hill. Rifle fire, machine guns, grenades, rockets and cannon fire ring out as a terrible battle is fought.... Then silence.

Eventually one badly wounded Russian fighter crawls back over the hill and with his dying words tells his commander,
"Don't send any more's a trap. There are two of them."


One of my Grandpa's favorites: The Nazi POW Camp

In the middle of WWII, some British soldiers were captured by the Germans and taken to a POW camp. They were to be put to work on either the day shift or the night shift, round the clock so the work would never cease.

"Ve vill count off by twos," said the camp warden, "but you British pig-dogs are likely too stupid to count zat high. So instead, one person vill say 'tick,' and the next vill say 'tock.' Is zis clear?"

The prisoners nodded, begrudgingly. And the warden started pointing at each one in turn.
"Tick," said the first prisoner.
"Tock," said the second.

The warden glared at the defiant prisoner, who had a huge grin on his face. The warden shouted at all of them, "START OVER!"

And so they did, but again, the sixth prisoner 'Tick'ed.

The warden, still glaring, strode over to the troublemaker. "Ve can do zis ze easy vay," said the warden, "or ze hard vay.

Ve haf vays of making you 'Tock.'"


A rather drunk lieutenant formed up the platoon:

"Soldiers, why is the formation so crooked?"
"Because the Earth is round!" - someone called out.
"Who said that?"
"Galileo, step forward!"
"But he has died long ago!"
"So then?! People here are dying, and no one is reporting this to me?"

*Joke was translated from Bulgarian*


Two soldiers are in a tank

They both drowned


It's so hard

A new army captain inspected the soldiers in their barracks. He noticed a female horse.

Captain: What's that horse for?

Soldier: Our men use her if they feel an urge to have sex.

Captain: Ah, it is ok.

One night, the captain feels an urge, so the soldier brought the horse to his tent. When the captain was done with the horse, he saw the soldier smiling outside his tent

Captain: it's so hard! How do you do it?

Soldier: We ride on the horse to the next town where the girls are.


What are the most funny Soldiers jokes of all time ?

Did you ever wanted to stand out with a good sense of humour joking with someone about Soldiers? Well, here are the best Soldiers dad jokes to laugh out loud. Crazy funny puns and Soldiers pick up lines to share with friends.

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