soldier Jokes

funny jokes and hilarious soldier stories

What are the best Soldier puns and pranks?

Did you ever wanted to prank someone about Soldier? Well here is a complete list of Soldier to have fun with:

A Roman soldier is bragging to his friend: 'You'll never guess with how many women I've slept!'


'Not that many!'


"That's not it."

A general noticed one of his soldiers behaving oddly. The soldier would pick up any piece of paper he found, frown and say, "That's not it" and put it down again. This went on for some time, until the general arranged to have the soldier psychologically tested. The psychologist concluded that the soldier was deranged, and wrote out his discharge from the army. The soldier picked it up, smiled and said, "That's it."


One American Soldier

My apologies if this has been told here already (I haven't found it yet). A military buddy of mine told me this when he got back home:

One day during the Gulf War, an Iraqi general and his army were patrolling through semi-mountainous terrain. Suddenly, over one of the hills they hear a soldier.

"One American soldier can take out 10 Iraqi soldiers!"

The Iraqi general smirks, then sends 10 of his soldiers over the hill. A brief firefight ensues, and then everything goes quiet...

"One American soldier can take out 100 Iraqi soldiers!"

The Iraqi general is rightfully impressed, so he laughs and sends 100 of his soldiers over the hill to finish the job. A large battle is heard over the hill that lasts much longer than the previous fight. Finally, everything calms down...

"One American soldier can take out 1000 Iraqi soldiers!"

The Iraqi general is furious, and sends over 1000 of his best soldiers. A massive and lengthy battle takes place over the hill. During the fight, a wounded Iraqi soldier comes crawling back over the hill toward the general.

"Sir! Do not send any more men! It's a trap! THERE'S TWO OF THEM!!"


One soldier

As a group of soldiers stood in formation at an Army Base, the Drill Sergeant said, "All right! All you idiots fall out."
As the rest of the squad wandered away, one soldier remained at attention.The Drill Instructor walked over until he was eye-to-eye with him, and then raised a single eyebrow. The soldier smiled and said, "Sure was a lot of 'em, huh, sir?"


A General wants to reserve a Jeep from the motor pool.

A general wants to reserve a jeep from the motor pool. His assistant is out so he makes the call himself.

"Motor pool"

"Hello, yes, I'd like to reserve a jeep for General Franklin"

"Well it better be a big jeep if fatass Franklin wants to go for a ride in it."

The General is furious over the insult.


"No" replies the motor pool attendant


"Well General, do you know who you are adressing?"

"NO! WHO?" the geneal screams.

"Bye fatass..." and the soldier hangs up the phone.


A train goes under a tunnel.

A soldier, an officer, a young woman, and a matron are sitting in a train compartment. The train goes into a tunnel, and for a moment all is dark. A kiss is heard, followed by a slap. The light comes back, and the officer is rubbing his face.

The matron thinks "that awful officer kissed the young woman and got what he deserved."

The young woman thinks "that blind fool tried to kiss me, and kissed the old woman instead."

The officer thinks "That cheeky private kissed the girl and she thought it was me."

The soldier thinks "That worked out pretty well. I kissed the back of my own hand and got to slap an officer."


I once knew a soldier who suffered through both mustard gas and pepper spray.

He was a seasoned veteran.


Two soldiers are in a tank…

…one turns to the other and says, "blubblublbublub".


What do you call a soldier who survives mustard gas and pepper spray attacks?

A seasoned veteran.


What do you call a soldier who survives Mustard gas and pepper spray?

A seasoned veteran.


The train was very crowded, so the soldier walked the length of the train, looking for an empty seat.

The train was very crowded, so the soldier walked the length of the train, looking for an empty seat. The only unoccupied seat was directly adjacent to a well dressed middle-aged French lady and was being used by her little dog. The war weary soldier asked, "Please ma'am, may I sit in that seat?"

The French woman looked down her nose at the soldier, sniffed and said, "You Americans.. You are such a rude class of people. Can't you see my little Fifi is using that seat?"

The soldier walked away, determined to find a place to rest, but after another trip down to the end of the train, found himself again facing the woman with the dog. Again he asked, "Please lady, may I sit there? I'm very tired."

The French woman wrinkled her nose and snorted, "You Americans! Not only are you rude, you are also arrogant." The soldier didn't say anything else; he leaned over, picked up the little dog, tossed it out the window of the train and sat down in the empty seat. The woman shrieked and railed, and demanded that someone defend her and chastise the soldier.

An English gentleman sitting across the aisle spoke up, "You know sir, you Americans do seem to have a penchant for doing the wrong thing. You eat holding the fork in the wrong hand. You drive your cars on the wrong side of the road. And now, sir, you've thrown the wrong bitch out the window."


What do you call a soldier who has been mustard gassed and pepper sprayed?

A seasoned veteran.. I'm so sorry


A British soldier meets an Australian soldier on a warzone

**British soldier**: Did you come here to die?

**Australian soldier**: Nah mate, I came here yesterday!


One soldier.

As a group of soldiers stood in formation at an Army Base, the Drill Sergeant said, "All right! All you idiots fall out." As the rest of the squad wandered away, one soldier remained at attention.The Drill Instructor walked over until he was eye-to-eye with him, and then raised a single eyebrow. The soldier smiled and said, "Sure was a lot of 'em, huh, Drill sergeant?"


After both suffering from depression for a while, me and the wife were going to commit suicide yesterday....

But strangely enough, once she killed herself, I started to feel a lot better. So I thought, Β“Fuck it, soldier on!Β”


The soldier and the indian

A soldier was given the job of hunting for buffalo. To help him, he hired an Indian Scout. The two of them set off on their journey to find buffalo. After riding awhile, the Indian gets off his horse, puts his ear to the ground and says "Humm, buffalo come".

The soldier scans the area with his binoculars, but sees nothing. He is confused and says to the Indian, "I do not see anything, how do you know buffalo come?"

And the Indian replies, "Ear sticky".


When I got depressed, I joined the Army.

I didn't have any experience or motivation, I just wanted a soldier to cry on.


An Israeli soldier who just enlisted asked the Commanding Officer for a 3 day pass.

The CO says, "Are you crazy? You just joined the Israeli army, and you already want a 3 day pass? You must do something spectacular for that recognition!"

So the soldier comes back a day later in an Arab tank! The CO was so impressed, he asked, "How did you do it?"

"Well, I jumped in a tank, and went toward the border with the Arabs. I approached the border, and saw an Arab tank. I put my white flag up, the Arab tank put his white flag up. I said to the Arab soldier, 'Do you want to get a 3 day pass?' So we exchanged tanks!"

β€”Henny Youngman


What's the difference between a soldier and a teacher?

As a soldier, it is your job to kill people.

As a teacher, it is your job to try very hard not to kill people.


A Scottish Soldier marches into a pharmacy

A Scottish Soldier, in full dress uniform, marches into a pharmacy.

Very carefully he opens his sporran and pulls out a neatly folded cotton
bandana, unfolds it to reveal a smaller silk square handkerchief, which he also
unfolds to reveal a condom.

The condom has a number of patches on it.
The chemist holds it up and eyes it critically.

"How much to repair it?' The Scot asks the chemist.
"Six pence" says the chemist.
"How much for a new one?"
"Ten pence" says the chemist.

The Scot painstakingly folds the condom into the silk square handkerchief
and the cotton bandana, replaces it carefully in his sporran, and marches out of the door, shoulders back and kilt swinging.

A moment or two later the chemist hears a great shout go up outside,
followed by an even greater shout.

The Scottish soldier marches back into the chemists and addresses the
proprietor, this time with a grin on his face.

"The regiment has taken a vote," he says. "We'll have a new one."


A North Korean soldier runs across the DMZ and yells to the US Army "Kim Jong Un is an idiot!" and gets thrown in a labor camp for 16 years by the government.

1 year for insulting the Dear Leader and the other 15 for revealing a state secret.



A nurse was taking care of a soldier in the Army Hospital.
"How I wish I could kiss the American flag before I die," the soldier said.
The nurse was extremely touched by the soldier's patriotism and said, "I have a tattoo of the American flag on my bottom. You may kiss it if you don't mind."
"Of course I wouldn't mind. Thank you for fulfilling my last wish," the soldier said.
The nurse took off her panties and the dying soldier kissed the flag.
"Thank you, nurse," he said "Now would you be so kind as to turn around so that I could kiss Bush too?"



A soldier asks his sergeant if he can have a couple of days off because he's going to become a father. 'Very well, you can have three days off' the sergeant says. After three days the soldier is back and the sergeant asks him what the name of the kid is. 'No idea' the soldier responds 'but I will tell you in nine months'.


A soldier survived mustard gas and pepper spray

He is now a seasoned veteran


A soldier with needs

A soldier has been deployed overseas almost a year ago. He's a single guy and, well after all this time, is starting to have certain sexual needs. They are in a place that is a bit far from civilization so it's kind of hard to meet women.

He mentions this to his superior:

''Sir, I've been here for almost one year and, well, I feel I have some needs, if you know what I mean...''

''Well, there is the camel over there in the shelter, you could...''

''Eww, no! Thats disgusting!''

The soldier, after being proposed this, decides to wait, he was kind of turned off anyways.

After 3 months or so, he feels his need resurfacing and goes to see his superior again:

''Sir, the need are coming back, don't you have any other suggestions?''

''Well, the camel is...''

''No way!'' and he storms out.

After another 2 months, he goes to see his superior again and once again, asks his about what he could to to satisfy his needs.

''The camel is available if you...''

The soldier just leaves, a bit disgusted but finally realizing that there aren't many possible solutions.

He peeks into the shelter and sees the camel. Taking a deep breath, he says ''Fuck it, I've got needs, I have to do this''. So he starts doing his thing.

After about 2 or 3 minutes, his superior walks in on him and, startled, yells:

''What the hell are you doing?!? The camel is to go to the village, you idiot!!''


An oddly behaving soldier.

A general noticed one of his soldiers behaving oddly. The soldier would pick up any piece of paper he found, frown and say: That's not it and put it down again. This went on for some time, until the general arranged to have the soldier psychologically tested.

The psychologist concluded that the soldier was deranged, and wrote out his discharge from the army. The soldier picked it up, smiled and said: That's it.


What do you call a soldier that got attacked by mustard gas and pepper spray??

A seasoned veteran


3 bags.

A Scotsman, Englishman and an Irishman are all being chased by soldiers, they all run into a Barn and hide in big burlap sacks. The soldier walk in and hunt for them, they poke the first bag and the Scotsman says "Meow!" so they pass it off as a bag of kittens. They poke the second pack and the Englishman says "Woof!" so they pass it off as a bag of puppies. They poke the third bag and the Irishman says "Potatoes!"


Falklands veteran

A British officer spotted a busker in the London Underground with a sign that read: "VETERAN SOLDIER OF THE FALKLANDS WAR." The officer thought, "Poor chap, I was there and it was awful!" Feeling sorry for a fellow veteran, he took Β£20 out of his wallet and gave it to the busker. The officer was then greeted with a hearty: "Gracias, SeΓ±or!"


Chi-chi... or Death!

A military company is patrolling the Amazon jungle when they walk into an ambush by a native tribe. It's a total massacre; everyone save for the captain and a soldier is killed.

The natives secure the captured and brings them back to the village in the jungle. Once they arrive, they tie each one of them to a pole while the whole village watches.

Suddenly, the crowd splits in two and the chief of the natives walks up in front of them and asks the soldier:

- *You must choose. Chi-chi, or death!*

The soldier gulps nervously. The choice is clear here.

- *Chi-chi.*

The chief turns around to the crowd and announces:

- *CHI-CHI!*

The crowd erupts cheering and yelling! They untie the soldier, strip him off his clothes, tie him up face down to a log on the ground and every warrior in the village fucks him in the ass until they come. After this is done, they untie the soldier, give him back his clothes and send him on his way, free.

The chief then walks up to the captain and asks him:

- *You must choose. Chi-chi, or death!*

The captain defiantly looks at the chief in the eyes and says:

- *I choose death!*

The chief turns around to the crowd and announces:

- *DEATH!*

The crowd, disappointed, starts booing loudly. The chief then says:



I dumb joke my grandfather learned when he was a prisoner of war.

In a German prison camp, there isn't much to do. A new prisoner shows up, his name is Bill. One of the veteran prisoners, Jack, introduces himself to Bill. They talk, and eventually Jack asks what the prisoners do for fun.

Then a soldier yells, "15!"
Everyone is laughing hysterically.

Then another prisoner yells, "3!"
The laughter is deafening.

Bill asks Jack why these guys are laughing. Jack says that have been using the same jokes for so long that they save time by just assigning numbers to them.

Then a soldier yells, "7!"
Every other prisoner groans.

"Why didn't they laugh at that one?"
"Some people just can't phrase 'em right."


Soldiers are such gentlemen.

Finding a woman sobbing that she had locked her keys in her car, a passing soldier assures her that he can help.

She looks on amazed as he removes his trousers, rolls them into a tight ball and rubs them against the car door. Magically it opens.

"That's so clever," the woman gasps. "How did you do it?"

"Easy," replies the man. "These are my khakis."


A soldier survived mustard gas in battle, and then pepper spray by the police.

He's now a seasoned veteran.


Thanksgiving in Bulgaria

Obviously Thanksgiving is an American holiday. However, as a former soldier deployed to Southern Europe, I was given a week long pass during the week of Thanksgiving. I decided to go to Bulgaria. You know what the best thing about Thanksgiving in Bulgaria is?

Bulgaria is next to Turkey and Greece.


So theres this ship...

This ship is carrying Hitler, his Nazi soldiers, and several Jewish prisoners. The ship sinks however, and the only survivors are Hitler, two soldiers, and one Jewish prisoner.

Hitler says "this raft can only support three people. I'm gonna ask you a series of questions. If you get them right, you can stay."

Hitler goes up to the first Nazi soldier and asks, "What was the worst nautical disaster to ever happen?" He says the Titanic. Hitler says "Alright you can stay".

He goes up to the second soldier and asks, "How many people died on the Titanic?" The soldier says, "Approximately 2000". Hitler says, "Alright you can stay".

Then he goes up to the Jewish prisoner and he goes, "Name them".


Look what the wind blew off!

A soldier and his longtime girlfriend had just gotten married and were enjoying their honeymoon in a romantic oasis; both were virgins and had waited years for their consummation. As they were about the make love he was contacted by the army who said World War II had just begun and he had to be deployed immediately.

The soldier, ever loyal to the country told her to trust and wait for him and that he would return to make love with her. The woman waited for several years and after the war ended, finally her husband came back.

Horny as hell and waiting with such expectancy, she immediately took off her blouse and said "Look what the wind blew off!" She took off her skirt and said "Look what the wind blew off!" She took off her bra and said "Look what the wind blew off!" and finally took off her panties saying "Look what the wind blew off!"

The soldier took off his pants and said ""Look what the Germans blew off!"


The Vietnam newbie was told they didn't have any more M-16's...

and he should just point his finger and yell "BANGITY! BANGITY! BANG!"
He's out on patrol, he sees enemy soldiers and points his finger.
Much to his amazement, the enemy soldiers fall to the ground dead. He continues on his way, killing more and more VC.
But then he sees an enemy soldier steadfastly walking towards him, and the "BANGITY! BANGITY! BANG!" doesn't work. He tries again, "BANGITY! BANGITY! BANG!" but the VC just keeps coming. The VC blunders into him, knocks our hero down, steps on his stomach and face as he proceeds into the distance, saying "TANKETY TANKETY TANK!"



Russian military tank crosses the border into Finland and a Russian soldier steps out.

"Good morning," says the Border police, "Name?"

"Ivan Ivanovich."


"No, just a vacation."


Life like potato...

Only have one, then soldier come and take.



A soldier home for the holidays was recounting some of his experiences to a friend over drinks.
"It was my first time in an airplane and we were all supposed to jump. I was the last one left and was having trouble mustering the courage. My drill sergeant was behind me and yelled, "Boy, if you don't jump out of this airplane right now, I'm going to stick my dick up your ass!""
Surprised, his friend asks, "So, did you jump?"
The soldier replies, "Well, yeah...a little."


Soldiers Never Die..

One night the old soldier gradually woke up stiff as a plank in the hospital's ICU, tubes up his nose and down his throat, wires monitoring every function all around his head, with a hell of a pain over his left ear and a drop dead gorgeous nurse hovering over him. It was obvious he'd been in a serious accident.

She looked deep & steadily into his eyes and he heard her slowly say, "You may not feel anything from the waist down."

He managed to mumble in reply, "Can I feel your tits, then?"

Soldiers never die... they just fade away!


A stuttering man wants to join the army

So he arrives at the base and gets in line. The first man approaches the drill seargent.

"Soldier, what do you want to do?"

"I want to drive a tank!" He is put to the tanks

The next man approaches. "I want to fly a plane!". So he takes to the skies in a fighter jet.

The stutterer then comes up.

"What do you want to to?"


He was put in charge of the machine guns.


An old man is being interviewed on live TV

Hello everybody. We are with Michael, who is 97 years old. Michael, tell us, what's your secret?

During the war, I sucked off a enemy soldier in exchange for food.

I meant about your age.

Ah… Eating healthy.


I made a game where you play a soldier saving people in the Middle East.

Qatar Hero.


Joan Rivers is just like Soldier Field...

She used to be a National Historical Landmark before all of the modifications.


The 2 Soldiers

2 soldiers are on the battle field. One soldier drops his cherished pocket watch on the ground. As he reaches for it, his teammate gets shot and falls on top of it. His teammate looks at him with fear in his eyes and says, "There's no way I'm going to get out of this, I am going to die..." The soldier picks him up, moves him aside and says, "Not on my watch!"


What do you call a soldier with long arms?

An army soldier


Russian Paratroopers.

One day a Russian general was inspecting a unit of paratroopers. The sergeant said, "Sir these are the toughest troops in all of Mother Russia." The general walks up to the first trooper and smacks him in the face. "Did that hurt soldier?" he asks. "No sir I'm a paratrooper." The general goes to the next soldier and slams the butt of a rifle in his stomach. "Did that hurt soldier" he asks. " No sir I'm a paratrooper." The general looks down the line and sees a man with an erection. He walks to him, pulls out a knife and cuts it off. "Did that hurt soldier." The soldier looks at the general and says "No sir." "Oh, because you're a paratrooper?" the general asks. "Nope, because that belonged to the poor bastard behind me."


A schizophrenic soldier took an enemy battalion prisoner.

It was easy, he had them surrounded.


The Train Carriage Compartment

So, traveling by train through Europe were a Ukrainian man, a Russian soldier, an old lady, and a beautiful young woman. Naturally, there was some tension, and nobody spoke.

Then the train went into a tunnel, and everything, for a moment, was pitch dark.

There's the sound of a loud kiss, a slap, and when the train emerges from the carriage, the Russian soldier is nursing a very sore cheek.

The old lady thinks: "Serves him right! How dare he take advantage of that young woman in the dark!"

The young woman thinks: "Serves him right! But I wonder why he kissed the old lady instead of me?"

The Russian soldier thinks: "That cheeky Ukrainian. He kisses the young woman, and I'm the one who gets slapped."

The Ukrainian man thinks: "Ha! I kiss the back of my hand, and I get to slap a Russian soldier!"



You've read some of the best soldier jokes of all time. Most of the stories are suitable for kids with good sense of humor, children or teens boys and girls, of course dads. You must supervise kids not to read pranks for adults. Note that some jokes are disgusting, filled with black humor so don't tell dirty soldier gags to your kids. These jokes are updated with new ones in December 2019.

How do I make my girlfriend or boyfriend laughs? Well, this list of funny stories will make you cry in laughter. Some of these soldier jokes are funny and some are hilarious.

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