soldier Jokes

funny pick up lines and hilarious soldier puns

A Roman soldier is bragging to his friend: 'You'll never guess with how many women I've slept!'

'Mmm?'

'Not that many!'

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"That's not it."

A general noticed one of his soldiers behaving oddly. The soldier would pick up any piece of paper he found, frown and say, "That's not it" and put it down again. This went on for some time, until the general arranged to have the soldier psychologically tested. The psychologist concluded that the soldier was deranged, and wrote out his discharge from the army. The soldier picked it up, smiled and said, "That's it."

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A soldier survived mustard gas in battle, and then pepper spray by the police. What type of veteran is he?

A seasoned veteran.

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Grammar Nazi.

"Sir, we are mining too many useless cores"
[Hitler rubs chin]
"So, mine less.
[Grammar Nazi bursts through the door]
"MINE FEWER!"
[Hitler looks up]
"Yes, soldier?"

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One soldier

As a group of soldiers stood in formation at an Army Base, the Drill Sergeant said, "All right! All you idiots fall out."
As the rest of the squad wandered away, one soldier remained at attention.The Drill Instructor walked over until he was eye-to-eye with him, and then raised a single eyebrow. The soldier smiled and said, "Sure was a lot of 'em, huh, sir?"

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Confucius say: Nazi soldier who popular with ladies may be Hungaryan.

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Three burglars break into a building and are confronted by a soldier, a cop, and a politician.

The politician tells the soldier to kill Burglar #1, and the two stab each other to death.

The politician then tells the cop to arrest Burglar #2, and the two beat each other unconscious.

The politician then walks up to Burglar #3 and says "I just saved your life, your freedom, and tripled your share of the loot. I think 20% is a fair cut."

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My dad told me this is why different branches of the military have so much trouble communicating.

They all have different vocabulary. For instance; "Secure that building."

Tell a marine that and he'll go kill everyone inside.

Tell a soldier and he'll put up razor wire, sandbags, and machine gun nests.

Tell a sailor and he'll go in and close and lock all the windows and doors.

Tell an airman and he will take out a lease with an option to buy.

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How do you stop a North Korean tank?

Shoot the soldier pushing it.

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I once knew a soldier who suffered through both mustard gas and pepper spray.

He was a seasoned veteran.

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Two soldiers are in a tank…

…one turns to the other and says, "blubblublbublub".

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Two soldiers are walking through the desert...

And a scorpion crawls up on one of the Tim's leg and stings him right in the dick. Johnny calls the base and asks to talk with the medic. He tells him what happened to Tim and asks what the best course of action would be. Since the base is far away, the medic tells Johnny that he has to suck the venom out of the wound before it spreads. Tim asks: "What did the medic say?"
Johnny says: "He says you're gonna fucking die"

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Camouflage training

The sergeant-major growled at the young soldier, "I didn't see you at camouflage training this morning."

"Thank you very much, sir."

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A roman soldier walks into a bar

A roman soldier walks into a bar and asks for a *martinus*.

You mean *martini*? , asks the bartender.

The roman soldier answers If I wanted two, I would have told you!

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I once killed an enemy soldier by cutting off his feet.

I defeated him.

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A joke about the different branches of the US military.

What would you do if you found a scorpion in your tent?

A sailor says, I'd step on it

A soldier says I'd report it to my CO

A marine says I'd catch it, cut off it's tail and eat it!

An airman responds I'd pick up the phone and call room service and ask why's there a fucking tent in my room

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What do you call a soldier who has been mustard gassed and pepper sprayed?

A seasoned veteran.. I'm so sorry

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Why I Joined the Air Force

The DOD was conducting an all service briefing and the leader posed this question.
What would you do if you found a scorpion in your tent?
A sailor said, I'd step on it.
A soldier said, I'd squash it with my boot.
A marine said, I'd catch it, break the stinger off, and eat it.
An Airman said. I'd call room service and find out why there's a tent in my room.

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Did you hear about the soldier that got pepper sprayed?

He's a seasoned veteran now.

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A British soldier meets an Australian soldier on a warzone

**British soldier**: Did you come here to die?

**Australian soldier**: Nah mate, I came here yesterday!

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A soldier was given the job of hunting for buffalo...

To help him, he hired a Native American scout.

The two of them set off on their journey to find buffalo.

After riding awhile, the scout gets off his horse, puts his ear to the ground and says "Hmmm, buffalo come."

The soldier scans the area with his binoculars, but sees nothing.

He is confused and says to the scout, "I do not see anything, how do you know buffalo come?"

The scout replies, "Ear sticky".

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A joke from WWII

A German soldier is talking to a Swiss soldier:

"How many soldiers could Switzerland mobilize if we were to invade?"

"Half a million within two days."

"And if we invade with a million troops?"

"We shoot twice and go home."

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One soldier.

As a group of soldiers stood in formation at an Army Base, the Drill Sergeant said, "All right! All you idiots fall out." As the rest of the squad wandered away, one soldier remained at attention.The Drill Instructor walked over until he was eye-to-eye with him, and then raised a single eyebrow. The soldier smiled and said, "Sure was a lot of 'em, huh, Drill sergeant?"

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During the war, an enemy soldier captures 3 nuns..

.He says that as revenge he'll rape all of them.

Young nun requested: Please spare the older nun.


Old nun : Shut up you Bitch! War is war.

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Camouflage training

"Soldier!"
"Yes, sergeant!"
"I haven't seen you at camouflage training today!"
"Thank you, sergeant!"

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After both suffering from depression for a while, me and the wife were going to commit suicide yesterday....

But strangely enough, once she killed herself, I started to feel a lot better. So I thought, Β“Fuck it, soldier on!Β”

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Why are soldiers always so tired on April 1st?

Because they have just finished a 31 day March.

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The soldier and the indian

A soldier was given the job of hunting for buffalo. To help him, he hired an Indian Scout. The two of them set off on their journey to find buffalo. After riding awhile, the Indian gets off his horse, puts his ear to the ground and says "Humm, buffalo come".

The soldier scans the area with his binoculars, but sees nothing. He is confused and says to the Indian, "I do not see anything, how do you know buffalo come?"

And the Indian replies, "Ear sticky".

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Officer: Soldier, I did not see you in camouflage class.

Soldier: Thank you sir.

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What do you call a soldier that has survived both mustard gas and pepper spray?

A seasoned warrior

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When I got depressed, I joined the Army.



I didn't have any experience or motivation, I just wanted a soldier to cry on.

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What do you get if you cross a soldier and a scientist?

A marine biologist.

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What's the difference between a soldier and a teacher?

As a soldier, it is your job to kill people.

As a teacher, it is your job to try very hard not to kill people.

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A North Korean soldier runs across the DMZ and yells to the US Army "Kim Jong Un is an idiot!" and gets thrown in a labor camp for 16 years by the government.

1 year for insulting the Dear Leader and the other 15 for revealing a state secret.

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A soldier working in the motorpool answers the phone...

"Yeah, I need to know when the General's hummer is going to be repaired and ready to go."

The private replied, "Man, I dunno, that fatass General broke the seat and we had to send out for a new one."

The voice on the other end stammered furiously, "Do you know who you're talking to??"

"No, I sure don't."

"This is the General!!"

"Oh, well, do you know who YOU'RE talking to?"

"No I do not!"

"Good. See ya later, fatass!"

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What are the most funny Soldier jokes of all time ?

Did you ever wanted to stand out with a good sense of humour joking with someone about Soldier? Well, here are the best Soldier dad jokes to laugh out loud. Crazy funny puns and Soldier pick up lines to share with friends.

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