Soldier Jokes
125 soldier jokes and hilarious soldier puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about soldier that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.
Do you have a favorite soldier joke? Get ready to laugh as we share some of the most hilarious jokes about soldiers, making fun of a soldier's everyday life on the frontline. From winter soldier jokes to jokes about comrades in the marines, you'll find something to make you chuckle.
Funniest Soldier Short Jokes
Short soldier jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The soldier humour may include short trooper jokes also.
- A Roman soldier is bragging to his friend: 'You'll never guess with how many women I've slept!' 'Mmm?'
'Not that many!' - China has now banned any military personnel to use apple watches due to security reasons. One soldier says with tears in his eyes but but my daughter made it for me .
- What do you call a soldier that's survived mustard gas and pepper spray? A seasoned veteran
- Soulja Boy is not even a soldier. Dr. Dre is not even a doctor. Adele is not even a computer.
*Keep the joke going in the comments.* - "Mr. President, two Brazilian soldiers were killed yesterday in Iraq." "Oh my god... How many is a Brazilian?"
- Just been talking to an old guy, ex-soldier. He explained to me he had been exposed to mustard gas and pepper spray, it was nice chatting to a seasoned veteran.
- Camouflage training The sergeant-major growled at the young soldier, "I didn't see you at camouflage training this morning."
"Thank you very much, sir." - Some say... Some say that the average Russian soldier is two feet taller than the average ukrainian solder. Others say that raised arms don't count.
- What's the difference between a group of Pakastani School Girls and a group of ISIS soldiers.. Don't ask me I just fly the drone.
- Why did the Romans pay their soldiers in salt? So they would end up with seasoned veterans.
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Soldier One Liners
Which soldier one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with soldier? I can suggest the ones about military veteran and army officer.
- How many french soldiers does it take to defend Paris? I don't know, it's never been done
- Why did the Mexican Army only bring 5000 soldiers to the Alamo? They only had 2 vans
- What should Ukrainian soldiers paint on captured Russian tanks? Ctrl-
- Two soldiers are in a tank… …one turns to the other and says, "blubblublbublub".
- What do you call it when ISIS soldiers run for cover? 100 meter Daesh
- What do you call 1000 soldiers with no legs? An army.
- What do you get if you cross a soldier and a scientist? A marine biologist.
- What is a soldier's most active day of the year? March forth!
- Why was the soldier tired on April 1st? He had just come through a 31-day March.
- What did roman soldier say on a Good Friday? Nailed it!
- What do you call a soldier who never made it past boot camp A cop
- Two soldiers are in a tank They both drowned
- What did the soldier use to season his fries? A salt rifle.
- What do you call a group of soldiers that wakes you up? An alarmy
- Child soldiers are important They form the infantry
Soldier Making Jokes
Here is a list of funny soldier making jokes and even better soldier making puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- Why don't Twitter users make good soldiers? Because they are quick to retweet
- Methamphetamine was used widely by both axis and allied soldiers in WW2. Making it the true War On Drugs.
- There's this new camouflage being developped that apparently makes soldiers invisible! You have to not see it to believe it.
- A soldier failed the bomb defusal course He just didn't make the cut
- Why were the Roman soldiers so good at making friends? Because of their frequent bridge building exercises.
- In the Vietnam war, American soldiers would eat small amounts of C4 plastic to get high Does this explosive make you high? C4 yourself
- Marvel is making a "Winter Soldier" standalone film and I get to play his roly poly sidekick. They call me...the "Summer Sausage"
- Why do sailors make the best soldiers? They know how to follow oar-ders.
Amusing & Witty Soldier Jokes for Laughter-Filled Fun
What funny jokes about soldier you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean army jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make soldier pranks.
"That's not it."
A general noticed one of his soldiers behaving oddly. The soldier would pick up any piece of paper he found, frown and say, "That's not it" and put it down again. This went on for some time, until the general arranged to have the soldier psychologically tested. The psychologist concluded that the soldier was deranged, and wrote out his discharge from the army. The soldier picked it up, smiled and said, "That's it."
A large group of Russian soldiers...
A large group of Russian soldiers in the border area in 1939 are moving down a road when they hear a voice call from behind a small hill: "One Finnish soldier is better than ten Russian". The Russian commander quickly orders 10 of his best men over the hill where a gun-battle breaks out and continues for a few minutes, then silence. The voice once again calls out: "One Finn is better than one hundred Russians."
Furious, the Russian commander sends his next best 100 troops over the hill and instantly a huge gun fight commences. After 10 minutes of battle, again silence.
The calm Finnish voice calls out again: "One Finn is better than one thousand Russians!"
The enraged Russian commander musters 1000 fighters and sends them to the other side of the hill. Rifle fire, machine guns, grenades, rockets and cannon fire ring out as a terrible battle is fought.... Then silence.
Eventually one badly wounded Russian fighter crawls back over the hill and with his dying words tells his commander,
"Don't send any more men......it's a trap. There are two of them."
A stuttering man wants to join the army
So he arrives at the base and gets in line. The first man approaches the drill seargent.
"Soldier, what do you want to do?"
"I want to drive a tank!" He is put to the tanks
The next man approaches. "I want to fly a plane!". So he takes to the skies in a fighter jet.
The stutterer then comes up.
"What do you want to to?"
"uh....uh-uh-uh---uh-uh-uh-uh..."
He was put in charge of the machine guns.
Thanksgiving in Bulgaria
Obviously Thanksgiving is an American holiday. However, as a former soldier deployed to Southern Europe, I was given a week long pass during the week of Thanksgiving. I decided to go to Bulgaria. You know what the best thing about Thanksgiving in Bulgaria is?
Bulgaria is next to Turkey and Greece.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
One soldier
As a group of soldiers stood in formation at an Army Base, the Drill Sergeant said, "All right! All you idiots fall out."
As the rest of the squad wandered away, one soldier remained at attention.The Drill Instructor walked over until he was eye-to-eye with him, and then raised a single eyebrow. The soldier smiled and said, "Sure was a lot of 'em, huh, sir?"
Life like potato...
Only have one, then soldier come and take.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
After both suffering from depression for a while, me and the wife were going to commit s**... yesterday....
But strangely enough, once she killed herself, I started to feel a lot better. So I thought, f**... it, soldier on!
What's the difference between a soldier and a teacher?
As a soldier, it is your job to kill people.
As a teacher, it is your job to try very hard not to kill people.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Patriotism
A nurse was taking care of a soldier in the Army Hospital.
"How I wish I could kiss the American flag before I die," the soldier said.
The nurse was extremely touched by the soldier's patriotism and said, "I have a tattoo of the American flag on my bottom. You may kiss it if you don't mind."
"Of course I wouldn't mind. Thank you for fulfilling my last wish," the soldier said.
The nurse took off her p**... and the dying soldier kissed the flag.
"Thank you, nurse," he said "Now would you be so kind as to turn around so that I could kiss Bush too?"
Fatherhood
A soldier asks his sergeant if he can have a couple of days off because he's going to become a father. 'Very well, you can have three days off' the sergeant says. After three days the soldier is back and the sergeant asks him what the name of the kid is. 'No idea' the soldier responds 'but I will tell you in nine months'.
When I got depressed, I joined the Army.
I didn't have any experience or motivation, I just wanted a soldier to cry on.
Falklands veteran
A British officer spotted a busker in the London Underground with a sign that read: "VETERAN SOLDIER OF THE FALKLANDS WAR." The officer thought, "Poor chap, I was there and it was awful!" Feeling sorry for a fellow veteran, he took £20 out of his wallet and gave it to the busker. The officer was then greeted with a hearty: "Gracias, Señor!"
Vacations
Russian military tank crosses the border into Finland and a Russian soldier steps out.
"Good morning," says the Border police, "Name?"
"Ivan Ivanovich."
"Occupation?"
"No, just a vacation."
Two soldiers are in a tank.
One soldier looks over to the other and says "borglopblaooog"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A soldier is running from Military Police. He runs up to a nun, and asks, out of breath: "Please... may I hide under your tunic?"
..."I'll explain later."
The nun nods in agreement.
A moment later, two Military Police officers show up and ask:
"Sister, have you seen a soldier here?"
The nun shakes her head. MPs run off, and the soldier crawls out from under her tunic and says, "I can't thank you enough, sister. You see, I don't want to go to Syria. I want to return to my family..."
The nun nods and smiles.
The soldier, relieved, adds jokingly: "I hope I'm not rude, but you have a great pair of legs!"
The nun smiles, and replies in a deep voice "Well lad, if you had looked a bit higher, you would've seen a great pair of b**...… guess we're both not going to Syria."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
How do you stop a North Korean tank?
Shoot the soldier pushing it.
Why are soldiers always so tired on April 1st?
Because they have just finished a 31 day March.
Bridge blown up
During a drill a bridge is labeled with a sign as blown up. To his anger the drill instructor sees a whole platoon crossing the bridge. The last soldier has a sign on his back. The instructor pulls out his binoculars. The sign reads: We're swimming.
Three burglars break into a building and are confronted by a soldier, a cop, and a politician.
The politician tells the soldier to kill Burglar #1, and the two stab each other to death.
The politician then tells the cop to arrest Burglar #2, and the two beat each other unconscious.
The politician then walks up to Burglar #3 and says "I just saved your life, your freedom, and tripled your share of the loot. I think 20% is a fair cut."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Why did h**...'s SS soldiers love animals?
They were all veteran aryans
A man was walking down a street in Moscow at night
A soviet soldier called out for the man to halt but the man started running, so the soldier shot him. The other soldier on duty asks the former, "Why'd you do that?"
"Why it's curfew," the soldier said.
"Well it's not curfew yet!" his partner said.
"I know- he's a friend of mine. I know where he lives and he couldn't have made it in time."
A soldier was given the job of hunting for buffalo...
To help him, he hired a Native American scout.
The two of them set off on their journey to find buffalo.
After riding awhile, the scout gets off his horse, puts his ear to the ground and says "Hmmm, buffalo come."
The soldier scans the area with his binoculars, but sees nothing.
He is confused and says to the scout, "I do not see anything, how do you know buffalo come?"
The scout replies, "Ear sticky".
Why the different branches of the military can't work together:
The reason why the services don't get along? They don't speak the same language. For example, if you tell a soldier to "Secure the building." he's going to set up claymores and machine gun nests with interlocking fields of fire. If you tell a Marine to "Secure the building." he's going to pie every room with his rifle in his hands and his Ka-bar on his waist. If you tell a sailor to "Secure the building." he's going to lock all the doors and windows and put all the sensitive documents in a furnace. If you tell an airman to "Secure the building." he's going to sign a lease agreement with an option to purchase.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
From the Gallipoli campaign in World War I...
The Australians are interrogating a captured Turkish soldier, when finally poor Mehmet has a question for them.
"Why do you call God such awful names? Why do you curse Him when your soldiers go into battle?"
The Aussies were surprised. "What do you mean?"
"Well, when we Turks leap out of our trenches and charge your lines, we cry 'Allah! Allah!' But when you charge us, you shout b**... BASTAAARRRDD!!!'"
Why I Joined the Air Force
The DOD was conducting an all service briefing and the leader posed this question.
What would you do if you found a scorpion in your tent?
A sailor said, I'd step on it.
A soldier said, I'd squash it with my boot.
A marine said, I'd catch it, break the stinger off, and eat it.
An Airman said. I'd call room service and find out why there's a tent in my room.
Did you hear about the retired soldier that got mustard gassed and pepper sprayed by the police?
He's now a seasoned veteran.
Not sure if this is a repost, one of my friends told me this
A soldier finds a scorpion in his tent...
In the Marines, he kills the scorpion.
In the Army, he calls his CO and reports the presence of the scorpion.
In the Air Force, he calls the front desk and asks why there's a tent in his room.
What did the Roman soldier say when Jesus whispered his dying words on the cross?
Come again?
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
How did the ISIS soldier cross the road?
In pieces.
My dad told me this is why different branches of the military have so much trouble communicating.
They all have different vocabulary. For instance; "Secure that building."
Tell a marine that and he'll go kill everyone inside.
Tell a soldier and he'll put up razor wire, sandbags, and machine gun nests.
Tell a sailor and he'll go in and close and lock all the windows and doors.
Tell an airman and he will take out a lease with an option to buy.
"Great job!" said one Roman soldier to the other. "You really nailed that one!"
But Jesus was not impressed.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
If two soldiers give each other h**......
Is it a Tug of War?
Two Prussian soldiers are talking to a captured French Soldier.
The Prussians ask, 'What do you fight for?'
'For money,' the Frenchman replies.
'You see, we Prussians fight not for wealth, but for honor!'
The Frenchman replies, 'So it is true that all men fight for what they lack.'
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A soldier's wife sends him.......
....a n**... photograph of herself with both legs wide open.
She adds the message, Love, I'll wait for you like this till you return.
Soldier: Oh, that's nice but who took that photo?
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
What's the difference between Logan Paul and a WW2 US soldier?
One shoots dead j**... and the other shoots j**... dead.
Officer at the shooting range: Get ready, aim, fire at will.
Soldier: Which one is Will?
An Italian soldier wakes up in a hospital having been dragged out of the battle.
The doctor walks in and tells the soldier, "I'm sorry to inform you that both your arms and legs we're blown off in the heat of the fight".
The war hero starts to crying like a baby. The doctor peers round at his wife and asks, "do you think he'll be OK?"
She replies, "Would you be OK if you could never talk again?"
Ig the Knight
Once upon a time, there was a soldier named Ig. In a recent battle, Ig showed courage and bravery, saving 20 men by himself!
To honour Ig's heroic act, the Queen of the kingdom was to knight him. Ig knelt before Her Majesty, as she tapped each shoulder of his with a sword. As she finished, Ig the Knight burst into flames! The Queen, astonished by what happened, asked her squire why he lit on fire.
Stunned, the squire spoke, "Ig...Knighted..."
Jesus: "Pardon me, I'm afraid I don't know what to do with this cross."
Roman soldier: "Don't worry, you'll get the hang of it."
An Aussie soldiers and an American soldier are pinned down in the Middle East.
The Aussie gets up and begins flailing his arms and laughing. When he gets back down, the American says
What, did you *come* here to die?
The Aussie responds Nah, I came here yesterday.
I tried to translate a joke
General ordered soldier to catch a rabbit and make a soup while he is taking a nap. When he woke up he see a bowl of soup on table. Amused General asked soldier how did you catch rabbit in that short time?
Soldier replied I saw a rabbit running around and shot it immediately, it didn't even have a chance to meow
Finding a woman sobbing because she had locked her keys in the car, a passing soldier assures her that he can help.
She watches amazed as he takes off his trousers, rolls them into a tight ball and rubs them against the car door. Magically it opens.
"That's so clever!" the woman exclaims. "How did you do that?"
"Easy," replied the soldier, "These are my khakis."
A soldier was rushed to the hospital with a horrific bayonet wound.
Unfortunately, he was pronounced dead on a rifle.
An off duty soldier took a train.
When the train reach its first stop, a general walk in, and the soldier stood up, the general said. 'At ease soldier, sit down.'
The train reached its second stop, again the soldier stood up, the general once again said. 'At ease soldier, sit down.
When the train reach its third stop, again the soldier stood up, the general said.' You don't have to salute every time we reach a stop.' The soldier reply.
' I want to get off, I missed my stop 2 stations ago.'
Vladimir Putin and Kim Jong Un are discussing their countries, and decide to have a contest to see whose soldiers are more obedient.
They are in a hotel at the top of a mountain near a cliff.
Vladimir Putin instructs a soldier to run and jump off the cliff. The soldier says "Please Putin, I have a wife and children!" Putin lets him go.
Kim Jong Un instructs a soldier to jump. The soldier runs to jump off the cliff. Putin grabs him before he can, telling him not to jump. The soldier says "Please Putin, I have a wife and children!"
As a soldier running through the forest you don't need to be concerned about running into an adult tree..
It's the infantree that's deadly!
A classic joke from Ronald Regan (Not exactly accurate)
There are two Russians in the Soviet Union talking to each other and a curfew is about to be enforced
The two men say goodbye to each other and just as they do a soviet soldier walks over to the both of them and shoots one of the men dead
The other man says Why did you shoot him?
The soldier says I'm his friend I know where he lives he wouldn't have made it home in time
A joke about eggs
An egg soldier is on a battlefield, trying to make contact with the egg commander.
"Sir, can you hear me?"
"Yes but there's a large amount of static on your end."
"Just as I thought."
"What do you mean, corporal?"
"Our communications have been scrambled."
An army general walks into a room with a solder. He said "I didn't see you today at camouflage traning...
Th soldier reply's "Thank you Sir!"
A group of soldiers on a first-aid course were tested by the instructor. He asked the recruits: 'If the sergeant major sustained a head injury during an exercise what would you do about it ?
One soldier said: 'I'd wrap a tourniquet around his neck and tighten it until the bleeding stopped.'
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A roman soldier was looking at his shadow
"Oh s**..., I'm late!"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
One day during a war....
A tall, strong and handsome Roman soldier broke into a house where he found two luscious maidens and their matronly nurse.
Chuckling with glee, he roared, "Prepare thyselves for a conquest, my pretties."
The lovely girls fell to their knees and pleaded with him, "Do with us as thou wilt, O Roman, but spare our faithful old nurse."
"Shut thy mouth," snapped the old nurse. "War is war."
An off-duty soldier is riding the train.
When the train reaches its first stop a general walks in and the soldier stood up.
"At ease soldier, sit down.", said the general.
The train reached its second stop and again the soldier stood up.
The general once again said, "At ease soldier, sit down."
The train reached its third stop and again the soldier stood up.
The general said, "You don't have to salute every time we reach a stop."
•
The soldier said, "I'm trying to get off, I missed my stop 2 stations ago."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A group of soldiers stood in formation at an army base.
The drill sergeant said, "All right! All you idiots fall out!"
As the rest of the squad wandered away, one soldier remained at attention. The drill instructor walked over until he was eye-to-eye with him, and then raised a single eyebrow.
The soldier smiled and said, "Sure was a lot of 'em, huh, sir?"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A man goes into the streets of Moscow and yells :
I am tired of this guy with a silly mustache and s**... rules being a leader! A soldier heard him, so he goes and catches him, later he brings the man to Stalin. Soldier says to Stalin what happened and Stalin asks the man : Who were you thinking about when you yelled in the streets? Man responds: Of course i was thinking about h**...! ; Stalin lets him go but then he stops the soldier to say: Who were YOU thinking about?
A soldier in WWII was shot but coins in his pocket stopped the bullet.
It was his life savings.
An american soldier was talking to a soviet soldier.
The american says, "the great thing about America is that we have freedom of speech! For instance, I can go right into the white house, walk up to president Reagan and say, "Mr. President, I completely disagree with the way you are running this country!" The soviet soldier responds, "so what? I can do that too!" The american soldier is baffled! He says, "really you can?"
"Sure! I can go right into the Kremlin, right up to the general secretary and say, "Mr. Gorbachev, I completely disagree with the way President Reagan is running his country!"
Why are soldiers so tired at the beginning of April?
They just had a 31 day March.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
The soviet soldier asked the german how to get to Berlin
Soviet soldier:how do i go to Berlin ?
German: two hundred meters later take the third r**....
(it was my first english joke ever probably it gonna be the last one sorry for my broken english)
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
The newly appointed army captain, while inspecting the soldiers' barracks, saw a female horse.
**Captain**: What's that horse for?
**Soldier**: Our men use her if they can no longer control the urge, sir.
**Captain**: Ah, that's fine then.
One lonely night, the captain felt the urge, so he asked the soldier to bring the horse to his tent. When the captain was done with the horse, he said to the soldier waiting outside his tent.
**Captain**: It's so d**... hard! How the h**... do you guys do it?
**Soldier**: We ride on the horse to the next town where the girls are, sir.
A corporal needed to use the pay phone but didn't have change.
He saw a private mopping the floor nearby and asked, "Soldier, do you have change for a dollar?" The private replied, "Sure, hang on." The corporal gave him an icy stare and yelled, "That's no way to address your superior! Straighten up and let's try that again! Private, do you have change for a dollar?"
The private stood at attention and boomed, "NO SIR!"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A young soldier was making his first parachute jump.
The corporal explained the procedure "You count to ten and pull the first ripcord. If the c**... doesn't open, pull the second. That should do it. Then, after you land, there'll be a truck waiting to pick you up."
The soldier checked his gear, called out the customary "Geronimo! " and jumped out of the plane. He counted to ten and pulled the ripcord. The c**... failed to open. He pulled the second ripcord and the c**... still didn't open. As he plummeted downward, he said, "I'll bet that g**... truck won't be there either."
An officer needed some change so he asked a near by soldier.
Officer: Soldier, do you have change for a dollar?
Soldier: Sure, buddy.
Officer: That's no way to address an officer! Now, let's try it again!
Officer: Soldier. Do you have change for a dollar?
Soldier: No, SIR!
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A Russian soldier and an american soldier are drinking at a bar
The Russian says "I'm impressed by american p**.... It's so subtle but effective."
The american responds "What are you talking about, we don't do p**...."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Why did the German soldier help the cat?
Because he was a veteran a**...
Why do soldiers carry Zippos instead of matches?
Because they are lighter.
Why do soldiers have to wear such fancy uniforms?
Because they don't allow civilian casual tees!
What happens when a soldier gets high?
He's fighting a war on drugs.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
The guy with a silly mustache
A man goes into the streets of Moscow and yells : I am tired of this guy with a silly mustache and s**... rules being a leader!
A soldier heard him, so he goes and catches him, later he brings the man to Stalin.
Soldier says to Stalin what happened and Stalin asks the man : Who were you thinking about when you yelled in the streets?
Man responds: Of course I was thinking about h**...! ;
Stalin lets him go but then he stops the soldier to say: Who were YOU thinking about?
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
What do you call a soldier with criminally low intelligence?
Special ops!
Did you hear about the soldier who snuck behind enemy lines disguised as a Christmas tree?
He was a decorated veteran.
A man living in the Soviet union is queuing up for bread...
when he gets to the front he is told there is none left.
Annoyed, the man goes on a tirade, complaining about the poor conditions and the incompetence of the government.
A soldier, hearing this, says to him, "you better be careful. In the old days it would have been...", the soldier points his gun at the man's head, "...bang!"
The man apologises and shuffles off. When he gets back home his wife asks him, "husband, your hands are empty! Have they run out of bread again?"
To which the man replies, "it's even worse than that. They've run out of bullets!"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
The camouflage test
\- **Soldier**: Hello commander Robert!
\-**Commander**: Hello! I didn't see you at the camouflage test...
\-**Soldier** :Thanks commander Robert!
