The Best 65 Sold Jokes

Following is our collection of funny Sold jokes. There are some sold ebay jokes no one knows (to tell your friends) and to make you laugh out loud.

Take your time to read those puns and riddles where you ask a question with answers, or where the setup is the punchline. We hope you will find these sold trippin puns funny enough to tell and make people laugh.

Top 10 Funniest Sold Jokes and Puns

I told my girlfriend we can either have sex, or go see Star Wars.

She said "I'm on my period and Star Wars is sold out," but she pulled some strings and got me in.

I was at a football game. Sold out stadium, but the guy next to me had an empty seat next to himself...

...As the game wore on, I asked him "Who's seat is that?" He looked at me sadly and said "That was my wife's seat but she passed away."
"I'm sorry to hear that." I replied. "You don't have any other family that might want to come to the game with you?" He shook his head and said "Nah... they're all at the funeral"

One soldier

As a group of soldiers stood in formation at an Army Base, the Drill Sergeant said, "All right! All you idiots fall out."
As the rest of the squad wandered away, one soldier remained at attention.The Drill Instructor walked over until he was eye-to-eye with him, and then raised a single eyebrow. The soldier smiled and said, "Sure was a lot of 'em, huh, sir?"

I was teaching a bunch of black teenagers about slavery.

None of them liked the concept, but their grandparents were sold on the idea.

jokes about sold

Woman buys parrot

A woman walks into a pet store, and is perusing through the various animals when she comes across one of the most beautiful parrots she has ever seen. She's taken aback by the tropical beauty of this bird, and when she looks on the price tag on the cage it says 50$. The woman turns to the man at the front counter and asks "Why is a bird this beautiful being sold for this little?" The man looks up and says "Oh, that bird was originally kept in a house of prostitution, and boy does he have a mouth". The woman takes the words to heart but buys the bird anyway. She buys it, and takes it home with her. She puts the bird in the living room. Suddenly the bird squawks "NEW HOUSE NEW MADAME!" The woman is put off by this but she figures that in a few days the bird will get over it. Her daughters come home from school and the bird speaks again "NEW HOUSE, NEW MADAME, NEW GIRLS!" Again the woman is off put but she assures her kids that the bird will grow out of its old habits. The woman's husband gets back in from a day at work. The parrot takes one look at him and squawks:

"HI GARY!!"


Have you heard about the dyslexic satanist?

Sold his soul to Santa.

A man is watching a world cup final in a sold out stadium

He notices an empty seat just in front of his and says to the guy sitting next to it, "Hey man, how come this seat here's empty? Tickets for this game havee been sold out for months!"

"Well, the seat was meant for my wife, but sadly, she passed away"

"Oh. I'm sorry to hear that. But couldn't you get a friend or relative to come along instead?"

"Nah, they're all at the funeral."

Sold joke, A man is watching a world cup final in a sold out stadium

Two soldiers are in a tank…

…one turns to the other and says, "blubblublbublub".

I told my old classmate at our 10-year reunion that I'm a writer. "Oh yeah?" he asks. "Have you sold anything yet?"

I said, "Sure. My house, my car, and all my stuff."

Did you hear about the goth kid with dyslexia?

He sold his soul to Santa.

My neighbor traded in his KIA yesterday.

Sold his Soul for a Mustang.

You can explore sold profit reddit one liners, including funnies and gags. Read them and you will understand what jokes are funny? Those of you who have teens can tell them clean sold automotive dad jokes. There are also sold puns for kids, 5 year olds, boys and girls.


Why the musician sold his computer...

Not enough gigs.

A farmer finds a shoebox under his wife's side of the bed

The box contained two ears of corn and $4000. He went to his wife
Farmer: What's this?
Wife: I have a confession to make. Whenever I cheated on you I put an ear of corn in the box.

The farmer gasps, then thinks "50 years of marriage...only twice..that's not too awful.

Farmer: What about the $4000?
Wife: Whenever I got a bushel I sold it.

I recently sold my vaccum.

It was just collecting dust.

Why are soldiers always so tired on April 1st?

Because they have just finished a 31 day March.

I've just sold some glass rockets to Kim Jong Un.

I hope he's pleased with his new, clear weapons.

Sold joke, I've just sold some glass rockets to Kim Jong Un.

A soldier survived mustard gas in battle, and then pepper spray by the police. What type of veteran is he?

A seasoned veteran.

A drug dealer sold me his shoes today

I don't know what he laced them with but I was tripping all day

I was viewing a house being sold by a native american

i asked him if it came with running water,

He said 'no, get your own wife'


A Mexican man was visiting America.

He wanted to go to a genuine American baseball game so that when he went home, he could tell his family all about it, but when he got there the game was sold out, so he climbed to the top of the flag pole to get a good look.

"What happened?" asked his family.

"Well, America is the nicest place in the world!" he said. "Before the game started, all the people in the stands, and all the players, stood up, looked at me and said, "Jose, can you see?"

I love eBay!

Sold my homing pigeons 4 times this month.

What do blacks and apples have in common?

If they're not being sold on a farm they're hanging from a tree.

Da ho, no I didnt.

I'm not racist my best friend growing up was black

Until my dad sold him

A soldier was given the job of hunting for buffalo...

To help him, he hired a Native American scout.

The two of them set off on their journey to find buffalo.

After riding awhile, the scout gets off his horse, puts his ear to the ground and says "Hmmm, buffalo come."

The soldier scans the area with his binoculars, but sees nothing.

He is confused and says to the scout, "I do not see anything, how do you know buffalo come?"

The scout replies, "Ear sticky".

Let me tell you how I became a millionaire: First, I...

...bought one apple for a dollar with my savings. Then I went out on the street and sold it there for two dollars. With the two dollars I bought two apples for 1$ each and again sold them for 2 dollars each. Now I've had 4 dollars and was able to buy 4 apples, which, you may have guessed, I sold for 2 dollars each. Now I've had 8 dollars and I bought 8 apples and so on and so on...

A few days later my aunt died and I inherited her assets.

This week Lego Batman sold more tickets than the sequel to 50 Shades of Grey...

When asked to comment about this 50 Shades stated "It's okay, I like to be dominated."

Sold joke, This week Lego Batman sold more tickets than the sequel to 50 Shades of Grey...

I just got fired from my job in Museum

They said they're not happy with my work here, which is ridiculous, i only worked here for 2 days and already sold 2 picassos.

Why was the soldier tired on April 1st?

He had just come through a 31-day March.

A soldier finds a scorpion in his tent...

In the Marines, he kills the scorpion.

In the Army, he calls his CO and reports the presence of the scorpion.

In the Air Force, he calls the front desk and asks why there's a tent in his room.


Did you hear about the dyslexic devil worshipper?

He sold his​ soul to santa.

A Chinese guy buys a well from a Jewish guy

The next day the Chinese walks up to the well; when the Jew runs up to him and shouts, "STOP! I sold you the well; not the water!"

The Chinese guy smirks and says "That's exactly why I'm here. How could you store your water in my well and not pay rent?!"

I told my girlfriend we can either have sex, or I'm leaving to watch Guardians Of The Galaxy.

She said "I'm on my period and Guardians Of The Galaxy is sold out!"

I said, "It's alright, I'll just sneak in through the rear entrance."

Yesterday I sold my vacuum in a garage sale

all it was doing was collecting dust.

I wasn't sure about getting involved in human trafficking at first...

But now i'm sold.


There was a comedy club called "The Joke"...

...that had amazing popularity. It wasn't because of the humor the comedians on stage offered, but due to an extremely delicious fruit punch that the establishment sold. It was so popular that people would gather into a queue around the block just to try the stuff. After a while, however, people stopped coming because of the crowding, and the club went out of business. If only the Joke's punch line wasn't so long...

My drug dealer sold me some shoes last night.

I'm not sure what he laced them with but I've been tripping all day.

I wasn't sure whether or not I should get in the human trafficking business.

But now I'm sold.

After his wife passed away, he stopped wearing his glasses. His sister saw him and exclaimed: Aww it must be so hard for you, nothing is worth seeing anymore after she's gone?

He said: What? No, I sold her jewelry and paid for a Lasik surgery.

I sold my vacuum cleaner the other day.

All it was doing was collecting dust.

Two soldiers are lost in the desert, thirsty and starving.

Ahead they see a tree with strips of meat hanging from its branches.

"A bacon tree!" the first exclaims and he runs towards it only to be cut down by a sniper's bullet.

"That's no bacon tree," says the other. " That's a ham-bush!"

There was company that sold sex toys to aliens.

It was SpaceXXX.

HOW i got rich

One rich man is asked how he got rich. He answers: I bought one unwashed apple in the market for a dollar, washed it and sold it for 2, then bought 2 unwashed apples, washed it and sold it for 4. -And so gradually you got rich? - No, after 2 years, my grandmother died and left me a legacy of 4 billion dollars, and I stopped doing nonsense

A man walks into a bar with a fish under his arm...

He asked the barman if they sold any fish cakes. The barman said no and the man pouted. That's a shame, he said, pointing to the fish, it's his birthday!

My wife complains I never buy her flowers

I didn't even know she sold flowers.

A vegan told me people who sold meat were disgusting.

I said people who sell fruit and veg are grocer.

I told my wife we can have sex or go see Star Wars, she said, I'm on my period and Star Wars is sold out.

But she pulled some strings and got me in..

Two Jews are arguing before the Rabbi

J1: "Black is a color!"

J2: "NO! it is not!"

J1: "It is a color!"

J2: "Rabbi, is black a color?"

Rabbi: "Well, sure..."

J1: "See, I told you. And so is white!"

J2: "White is not a color!"

J1: "Rabbi?"

Rabbi: "Well, yes, white is a color"

J1: "See, I told you Moishe, I sold you a *color* TV"

If McDonalds sold fancy steaks they'd call them Filet Mc'gnons

...also it's my 5 year cake day so shower me in internet points or however this works I dunno. Thanks!

A soldier in WWII was shot but coins in his pocket stopped the bullet.

It was his life savings.

Two Jews, Moishe and Abram, are arguing.

Moishe: Black is a color

Abram: No it is not.

Moishe: I'm telling you, black is a color.

Abram: No, it's not.

They go to the rabbi.

Moishe: Rebbe, is black a color?

Rabbi: Yes, Moshe, black is indeed a color.

Moshe: See, Abram, I told you.

Abram: Okay, but white is not a color,

Moishe: Yes it is.

Abram: No, it is not.

Moishe: Rebbe, is white a color?

Rabbi: Yes, Moishe, white is indeed a color.

Moishe: See, I told you I sold you a color TV.

Just sold my homing pigeon on eBay ...

... for the 23rd time.

I just made money for the first time as a programmer

I sold my laptop

A woman was forced to choose between two suitors to wed.

The first man was about 4 foot 5 tall and ran a very successful store that sold many fruits and vegetables.

The other man was disgusting. He was covered head to toe in boils and bedsores and smelled awful. He had not ever even seen a bath. He was pretty much the most foul human you could imagine.

Yet the woman wed the second man.

Because no matter how gross you pictured him to be...

The first man was just a little grocer.

I sold some baby laxative to a junkie and told him it was cocaine...!!

The next day he told me that was the best shit he ever had!!

Therapist: Your wife says you never buy her flowers, is that true?

Husband: Well to be honest I never even knew that she sold flowers

I sold my vacuum the other day.

All it was doing was collecting dust.

Today I made my first money as a Programmer.

I sold my laptop.

my wife complains that i don't buy her flowers

to be honest, i didn't know she sold flowers

I used to be a fortune teller but all I could predict was really cold winters.

Then I found out the crystal ball shop had sold me a snow globe..

A woman enters a chicken shop

The owner has sold all his chickens spare one. The woman asks him for his biggest chicken, so he hands her the only one and says, "That'll be $3.50."

The woman says "For that price, I need a bigger chicken."

The owner goes over to his freezer, places the chicken inside and acts as if he's searching for a bigger one, then takes out the same chicken. He shows it to the woman and says, "This one will be $4.50."

The woman says, "Okay I'll buy both."

I like my coffee like I like my women

Sold on the corner

What did the soldier say when he realized he had to poop?

Well, duty calls.

Three soldiers are talking about how they would solve different problems...

When asked what would they do if they woke up in the middle of the night with a hole in their tent, the Army private says "I would dig through my pack to find something to repair it until morning"; the Marine says "I'd roll over and go back to sleep, a Marine can handle getting a little wet"; the Air Force airman says "I'd call the front desk and ask why the hell there's a tent in my room".

I stood in line at a Vietnamese food truck for an hour.

When I finally got to the window, they were sold out and closing for the day.

What a big Pho queue.

We do do windows.

A young woman had the windows in her house replaced with new double-insulated energy efficient windows. Twelve months later, she got a call from the contractor, complaining that the work has been done for a year and she had yet to make the first payment.

The woman replied, "Now don't try to pull a fast one on me. The salesman who sold me those told me that in one year they would pay for themselves!"

Just think that there are jokes based on truth that can bring down governments, or jokes which make girl laugh. Many of the sold buy puns are supposed to be funny, but some can be offensive. When jokes go too far, we try to silence them and it will be great if you give us feedback every time when a joke become inappropriate.

We suggest to use only working sold resell piadas for adults and blagues for friends. Some of the dirty witze and dark jokes are funny, but use them with caution in real life. Try to remember funny jokes you've never heard to tell your friends and will make you laugh.

Joko Jokes