Soil Jokes
65 soil jokes and hilarious soil puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about soil that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.
Are you looking for some good soil jokes? Then you've come to the right place! Here's a collection of some of the best soil jokes around.
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Funniest Soil Short Jokes
Short soil jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The soil humour may include short dirt jokes also.
- I went to an allotment yesterday to find more soil there than the day before. Today, I went there again and found even more soil.. The plot thickens...
- It's my cake day! Here is my favorite joke: Someone's been adding soil to my garden...
...the plot thickens - I bought a vacant piece of land recently, and every night someone keeps depositing soil on the land. I still can't figure out who it is. The plot thickens.
- What does the soil have in common with a mailman? They both become hostile when you rearrange their letters.
- NASA is currently developing a way to grow cashews on the Moon's soil... They're calling them Astro-nuts.
- My kids were playing in the garden and didn't tell me they needed to go toilet... I guess you could say they soiled themselves
- Why was it easier for the whistleblower to leave American soil earlier in the year? It didn't Snowden.
- I saw my neighbour putting some more soil down on his lawn the other day The plot thickens...
- Why did the place where two roads diverged in the yellow wood become overgrown quickly? Because Frost increases soil fertility!
- The generals thought US soil would never be vulnerable to a naval attack ... The year: 2025. Russia invades an Alaskan archipelago. Needless to say, the US government is stripped of its Aleutians.
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Soil One Liners
Which soil one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with soil? I can suggest the ones about clay and ocean.
- As I suspected, someone has been adding soil to my garden. The plot thickens.
- When does soil get rich? When mother nature makes it rain.
- How do you cover a doctor's mistake? With soil.
- I'm reading a book about soil The plot thickens
- Despite inflation, what can everyone still afford? Soil, it's always dirt cheap.
- Spring is here... I'm so excited, I soiled my plants.
- My friend told me that he collects soil. I said, "What on earth!"
He said, "Yes." - Why was the plant embarrassed? It soiled itself. *Buh dum ts* *Dodges tomatoes*
- Why did the farmer bury his money? To make the soil rich
- My gardener is completely incompetent He keeps soiling himself
- Why do gardeners like to wear diapers? In case they get soiled
- Your true love will always keep you grounded That's why they're called your soil mate :)
- My auntie has been eating soil for years... Really keeps her grounded
- What is a plant's favorite motor oil? Penn-soil
- how do you clean a soiled fursuit? you don"T
Share Hilarious Soil Jokes and Enjoy Unforgettable Laughter
What funny jokes about soil you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean ground jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make soil pranks.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
For years Johnny helped his father with the vegetable garden.
Every spring Johnny's dad would have Johnny over for a day and they would spend all day tilling the soil to get it ready for planting and then grill some steaks in the evening. One year Johnny fell in with the wrong crowd and was arrested for armed robbery, but the gun was never located. Three months in jail he is talking with his father on the phone. His father recently had a hip replacement and can't move like he used and wishes Johnny was able to help with the gardening. After the conversation Johnny feels so bad that he calls the DA and arranges a meeting.
The next morning, Johnny's father hear's a b**... at his front door. He opens up and sees two detectives and a dozen uniformed officers with a search warrant. They brush the old man aside and make a beeline for the back yard.
Furious, he calls the prison and demands to talk to his son. He asked Johnny how dare he bring his criminal activities home and worry his mother and how ashamed he was of his scumbag son.
Johnny listened to the berating and replied, 'I felt bad that I couldn't help you with the garden this year, so I lied and told them I buried a gun back there.'
"I own a small allotment...", So far I'm the only person I've heard laugh at this joke.
I own a small allotment. Every night someone throws soil in on top of in. I've absolutely no idea why.
The plot thickens.
There's an old Italian man
There's an old Italian man, and every year, he and his son plant a tomato garden together. This particular year, however, the son is in jail, and so the old man writes him a letter.
"My son, it is regrettable that you can't be here to plant the tomato garden with me this year. The soil is too hard for me to dig myself. I look forward to the day you come home so we can continue this tradition together."
The son writes back, "Father, don't dig up the tomato garden, that's where the bodies are buried."
That night around 2 AM, the police show up at the old man's house with a warrant to search the ground for bodies. After several hours of digging around, they find nothing, apologize to the man, and go on their way.
The next day, the man receives another letter from his son, "Father, given the circumstances, this was the best I could do. You should be able to plant the tomatoes now."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Where he first had s**...
A Welsh farmer is out in a field with his son preparing the soil for planting. The farmer points to a corner of the field and tells his son
"Boy, that's where I had my first woman"
"Really?" replied the son
"Yup" said the farmer "and her mother was watching"
"What did she say" the boy asked
and the farmer told him "baaaaaaa"
Soiled Pirate
There once was a noble Pirate who had a very mighty crew.
One day, they spotted an enemy ship coming towards them when they were sailing.
The Pirate said "YOU! Go get me red shirt!"
So the young and rising Pirate did as the captain had said.
Then a fierce battle took place between the two ships, with the red-shirted Pirate and his crew standing tall.
Then one Pirate asked the captain "Sir, why do ye always wear a red shirt into battle?"
The captain replied "Because if I get shot the blood will not show and will not scare the courage out of me crew."
Days passed. Then one morning a young Pirate shouted from the top of the mast "SIR! 7 ENEMY SHIPS ON THE HORIZON!"
The captain then turned to another young, rising Pirate and said:
"Aye, go fetch me red shirt... and me brown pants too..."
Three Scientists called out to God...
And said, "You are no longer relevant. With our scientific advances, we have been able to create water, build empires, and even replicate life through cloning techniques."
God said to them, "Fair enough. Why don't we have a contest to see who can create life faster?"
The scientists scoffed. "No problem. Let's do it."
The first of the scientists grabs a beaker and begins to fill it with soil.
God looked at him and said, "Oh, no you don't. Get your own dirt!"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
I like my women like quality agronomy soil...
..good p**... to 8", bare surface, and minimal crust.
A man is charged with a felony...
The man and his family are too poor to post bail. The man gets a letter from his father that reads:
"It is so unfortunate that you are in jail right now, every year at this time we used to turn the soil before winter so that we could plant and grow tomatoes next year. I don't think I'll be able to do it by myself but I will try my best.
Much love,
Father"
The man reads the message and immediately writes a response from jail:
"DON'T TURN THE SOIL IN OUR TOMATO PATCH!!!! It's where I buried the evidence!!!"
Two hours later a team of government investigators show up at the father's house stating that based on evidence scanned through the man's letter, there are reasonable ground to search the tomato patch for evidence. The investigators dig up the entire patch... But find nothing. They apologize to the father and leave. The man sees the investigation come back and writes to his father:
"Looks like we'll be having tomatoes next year after all!"
What do you call soil undergoing strain?
Clay Aiken.
Police are investigating the man who dumped soil on my farm
The plot thickens
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A man who is infatuated with soil...
has a dirty f**....
U.S found oil in foreign land soil
and instantly reported serious shortage of democracy there
How is iceberg lettuce grown?
I didn't think there was soil on icebergs
There was a scientist one time, and he went to talk to God
and he says, "God, we can now clone humans, make life, and take care of ourselves and we don't need you anymore."
God laughed and said: "You think? So show me, how you can make humans and life!"
The scientist agreed, reached down, grabbed a full hand of soil to start making his human, when God promptly stops him and says, "Whoa not so fast, use your own dirt."
Crazy samurais are like a windmill
They hate soil
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A thief just stole some of soil and I'm going after him.
I'm losing ground.
In science class, 3 worms were places into 3 different jars.
The first worm was put into a jar of alcohol.
The second worm was put into a jar of cigarette smoke.
The third worm was put into a jar of soil.
After one day, these were the results:
The first worm in alcohol ---dead.
The second worm in cigarette smoke --- dead.
The 3rd worm in soil --- alive.!!
So the science teacher asked the class --- "What can you learn from this experiment.?"
A kid quickly raised his hand and said.
"As long as you drink alcohol and smoke , you won't have worms in your stomach".
Why do some plants hate alkaline soil?
Because it's just so basic!
Why should you never tell a joke to a gardener?
Because they always soil there plants!
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
What do you get when you cross a dandelion with soil infused with tetrahydrocannabinol?
w**....
I was sitting in my house in England, looking at the news
I was sitting in my house in England, Looking at the news.
Hearing about what was being done to people on british soil by Russians infuriated me. I took it upon myself to write a long scathing article about Putin, and how we should stand up to him and not takes these shenanigans any more from him.
I was about to post it online and share it with my Russian friends, but then my nerves got the better of me.
What's a cat's favorite type of soil?
Purrmafrost
A teacher does a classroom experiment
The teacher has three jars, one filled with alcohol, one filled with cigarette smoke, and one filled with soil.
The teacher puts a few worms in each jar and says to the students we'll see which jar is thriving tomorrow.
The next day the worms in the jars with the alcohol and cigarette smoke are dead while the worms in the jar of the soil are alive and well. The teacher asks the students what they've learned from the experience. One student raises his hand and says, well if I drink and smoke I won't have worms in me.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
It's official,
Germany can never win on Russian soil.
In these troubling political times with gun violence peaking, human rights scandals on us soil, and ongoing corruption investigations, it's always important to find the silver lining in things...
International Relations with Russia have never been better!
Aretha Franklin was the Queen of soul.
Now she's the Queen of soil. 😥
What's worse than infected soil in the greenhouse?
A global warming denier in the White House.
There was a construction site
There's 3 labourers, ready for their morning job.
An Englishman, an Irishman and a Chinese man.
The boss tells the Englishman, when I get back from lunch, I want this pile of dirt moved over there further.
To the Irishman, after he's moved it, you need to spread the soil.
To the Chinese man, he says you need to help out with all the supplies.
The boss gets back from lunch, and the dirt pile isn't moved.
Why has nothing happened? He asks.
The Englishman says he couldn't find the Chinese man.
He then asks the Irishman who also, cannot find the Chinese man.
He heads to the tool shed, as he is about to open the door, the Chinese man bursts out and yells, SUPPLIES!
A man asked for fresh ground coffee
After a while, the waiter brings the coffee
The man takes a sip and spits it out immediately.
Man: This is soil. Why did you put me soil?
Waiter: Well, you asked for fresh ground
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Little Timmy goes to a farm with his school
The farmer there was talking about how manure helps the plants by nourishing the soil. Timmy immediately asks the teacher to call his mother. When the teacher asked why, He said
"I heard mom saying she got a lot of s**... on her hands right now".
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
why is it considered g**... to drink a beverage made of steeped soil?
Because that's just dirt tea
A teacher to her students,
"Lets talk about associate, or association. It means things that go together. You can associate plants with soil, and birds with trees. Now, can anyone tell me what we can associate with fish? Yes, Tommy?"
Tommy: "Chips!"
Source: Adapated from a joke in a 1913 newspaper
