Software Jokes

Discussing with a woman is like reading software license terms.

In the end you ignore everything and click on "accept".

Three software engineers...

...are riding in a truck that breaks down. They get out, and tries to see what he can see under the hood, but doesn't know anything about cars, another calls a tow truck and waits, and the third says "I don't know what's wrong, let's just get back in the car and see if it happens again"

A software engineer died at 45 and went to heaven.

He asked god why he was dead at such an early age. God replied "Son, according to the billable hours you filed in your time sheet you should be 92 by now "

A Software Programmer is going to the store.....

His wife says "get a loaf of bread, and if they have eggs, get a dozen."
The guy comes back with 12 loaves of bread.
His wife says "why did you get so much bread?"
He says, "they had eggs.

A software engineer, a chemical engineer and a mechanical engineer were riding along in a car.....

suddenly the car stopped. The mechanical engineer said "it must be a problem with the motor", the chemical engineer said "no it's most likely a fuel problem", then the software engineer said "maybe if we all get out, then get back in, it will start"

A mechanical engineer, an electrical engineer, and a software engineer are riding in a car...

when it breaks down. The mechanical engineer speaks up and says, "It must be the engine!" The electrical engineer says, "No, it must be the wiring." The software engineer finally speaks up and says, "Guys, guys... Let's just all get completely out of the car and then get back in."

The inventor if the anti-virus software has been charged with m**....

They expect the trial to last 30 days

A Woman sends her husband - a software developer - out for groceries.

She says to him: "We don't need a lot. Please get us a loaf of bread; and if they have free-range eggs please bring six."
The husband returns with nothing but six loaves of bread: "They had free-range eggs."

Babe are you a new software update?

Because not now.

How does software eat it's food?

By taking large bytes!

How a phone recall works.

Samsung: Send us your exploding phone.
Microsoft/Nokia: A software update will fix that.
Apple: You are using it wrong.

Programmers today...

Programming today is a race between software engineers striving to build bigger and better idiot-proof programs, and the Universe trying to produce bigger and better idiots.
So far, the Universe is winning.

Similarity between beggars and software engineers

When two beggars meet each other and two software engineers meet each other after a long time,
the question asked is the same .
On which platform are you working these days?

What letter do pirate's hate the most?

Dear Charter Internet Customer:

Charter Communications ("Charter") has been notified by a copyright owner, or its authorized agent, that your Internet account may have been involved in the exchange of unauthorized copies of copyrighted material (e.g., music, movies, or software). We are attaching a copy of the Digital Millennium Copyright Act (DMCA) notice that Charter received from the copyright holder which includes the specific allegation.

Software is like s**...

It's better when it's free

A guy stole my Microsoft Office software. I told him "I'll get you back, you have my word."

To the software thieves who robbed me last night.

Don't think you can get away with taking Microsoft Office away from me. I will find you. You have my Word.

A mechanic, an electrician and a software developer were in a car.

The car stops working.
-It's the carburetor, says the mechanic. We just have to get down and clean it.
-It's the ignition, says the electrician. We have to check the spark plugs and we'll make it work.
-"Guys, I propose getting out of the car and getting back in and maybe it will start working."

What is the square root of Pai?

"To access your calculator's premium features like sine, square and square root, and logarithm, please call to have a contractor install the software"

My computer was really laggy until someone helped me update my software

Turns out it was the bus driver

Italian Chefs can now get an exclusive software update for their Tesla

It's been named Carpatchio

Someone should make a movie about an old robot who needs a software upgrade so it can learn about LOVE.

You could call it, 'The 40-Year-Old Version'.

A Software Developer walks into a bar

A Software Developer walks into a bar
Bartender: "you having the usual?"
Software Developer thinks for a while
and then says "Yes"
Bartender: "What took you so long to answer?"
Software Developer: "Sorry, I got cache issues."

Arguing....

Arguing with your wife is like reading a Software Licence Agreement. In the end, you just ignore everything and click "Agree".

What is the best girlfriend for a computer geek?

One that turns his software into hardware.

What is a stoners favorite computer software?

Adoobe

Do you know the difference between a car salesperson and a software salesperson?

The car salesperson knows when they're lying.

A software tester walks into a bar.

He orders a beer, -1 beers, 50 beers, nuhriuh beers, NULL beers. The barman happily fulfils the orders he can, and declines the ones he can't.
A software user walks into the same bar, and asks the barman where the toilets are. The barman explodes, the bar burns to the ground, and the building collapses

For a school video project, I was partnered with the class b**...

Wanting it to be finished as soon as possible, I told her that I would do most of the project as long as she would stay out of my way. I then realized that my computer was undergoing repairs so I asked her if she had any audio editing software. And let me tell you,
This b**... had the Audacity.

Three Engineers are eating lunch together and arguing.

The mechanical engineer is adamant that God must be a mechanical engineer because the human body is so well designed. The software engineer is just as sure that God must be a software engineer as the human mind is the most sophisticated software in the known universe. Suddenly they stop arguing and look at the civil engineer, "you've been awefully quiet?"
"Well it's pretty obvious that God isn't a civil engineer. No civil engineer would combine a recreational area with a sewage treatment plant."

A software tester walks into a bar

Orders a beer. Orders 0 beers. Orders 999999999 beers. Orders a bear. Orders -1 beers. Orders hdtseatfibkd.
First real customer walks into a bar and asks where the bathroom is. The bar bursts into flames killing everyone inside.

What do you call a software wizard that installs applications?

The Wizard of OS

Someone just stole my audio software. It was free, but I can't believe them.

The Audacity of that b**....

A friend I met online has a spider as pet, and he named it Feature. Weird, right?

Until he told me he is a software programmer.

A software tester walks into a bar.

Runs into a bar.
Crawls into a bar.
Dances into a bar.
Flies into a bar.
Jumps into a bar.
And orders:
a beer.
2 beers.
0 beers.
99999999 beers.
a lizard in a beer glass.
\-1 beer.
"qwertyuiop" beers.
Testing complete.
A real customer walks into the bar and asks where the bathroom is.
The bar goes up in flames.

A software tester walks into a bar.

Runs into a bar.
Crawls into a bar.
Dances into a bar.
Flies into a bar.
Jumps into a bar.
And orders:
a beer.
2 beers.
0 beers.
99999999 beers.
a lizard in a beer glass.
\-1 beer.
"qwertyuiop" beers.
Testing complete.
A real customer walks into the bar and asks where the bathroom is.
The bar goes up in flames.

Bored with the carefree life, Timon and Pumbaa decide to join the workforce as software engineers

On their first day at work, Pumbaa's code keeps returning errors for several hours. Finally, Timon says: "Why don't you take a break? I'll fix you some bugs."

Software architects should never design high security fences.

They're likely to make them highly scalable.

A software tester walks into a bar

Backs into a bar.
Runs into a bar.
Crawls into a bar.
Dances into a bar.
Flies into a bar.
Jumps into a bar.
And orders:
a beer.
2 beers.
0 beers.
987654321 beers.
a lizard in a beer glass.
\-1 beer.
"qwertyuiop" beers.
Testing complete.
A regular customer walks into the bar and asks where the bathroom is.
The bar bursts into flames.

A Mechanical Engineer, a software engineer and a purchasing agent...

..are on their way to an industry event when their rental car gets a flat tire. The purchasing agent says
"We need to buy a new tire"
the mechanical engineer says
"no, I think I can fix this one"
and the software engineer says,
"let's drive on it for a while, maybe it'll fix itself."

I changed all my passwords.

I've changed all my passwords to "incorrect"
So whenever I forget my password and try something else, the software reminds me that -
"Your password is incorrect"

I recently rejected a junior software dev job at IKEA.

I kinda know java, kotlin and some php but unfortunately Assembly was required.