Softly Jokes
58 softly jokes and hilarious softly puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about softly that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.
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Funniest Softly Short Jokes
Short softly jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The softly humour may include short gently jokes also.
- My wife asked me why I was speaking softly in the house…. I said I was afraid mark zuckerberg was listening.
She laughed.
I laughed.
Alexa laughed.
Siri laughed. - Although Steve Irwin was known as the crocodile hunter ....he will always have soft spot in his heart for stingrays
- I got hit in the head with a can of Dr. Pepper today Luckily I'm not hurt, it was a soft drink
- What soft and wrinkly but gets sharper when you use it? Your brain! (This joke brought to you by one of my 2nd grade students. I told him it was so good I was going to put it on the internet.)
- Have you heard the people who pronounce 'Pangea' with a hard 'g' instead of the soft one? For the confused, I'm talking about consonantal drift.
- What starts with a 'C', contains the letters U, N, and T, is hairy on the outside, and soft on the inside? A coconut!
- What do you call an elevator with a group of slim, softly spoken, intelligent people inside? A Lift
(only a joke, my American friends) - Just had a stack of toilet rolls fall on me in the supermarket I'm ok though, just soft tissue damage
- Which state serves the smallest soft drinks? Minnesota.
- A vending machine fell on me today Luckily it only had soft drinks
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Softly One Liners
Which softly one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with softly? I can suggest the ones about slowly and calmly.
- Why is Pavlov's hair so soft? Classic conditioning.
- I got hit on the head with a can of soda yesterday. Lucky it was a soft drink
- What state has the smallest soft drinks? Minisoda
- My friend threw a can of coke at my head today... Luckily it was a soft drink.
- What goes in hard and dry but comes out soft and wet? Gum
- Boy, I just got hit in the head with a can of soda. I was lucky it was a soft drink.
- Why was Pavlov's hair so soft? Because he conditioned it
- So someone threw a can of soda at me today. I'm alright though it was a soft drink.
- Which part of America can't sell full-sized soft drinks? Minne-soda.
- Why do golf commentators speak softly? To not wake the audience.
- How soft is Bill Gate's pillow? Microsoft.
- What is the only sized soft drink you can order in North Korea? Supreme Liter.
- What is a video game art designer's favorite soft drink? Sprite.
- Never confuse a Kiwi with an Aussie. One's a soft, hairy fruit and the other's a kiwi!
- What do you call the soft tissue between a shark's teeth? A slow swimmer.
Fun-Filled Softly Jokes to Make You and Your Friends Chuckle & Giggle
What funny jokes about softly you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean gingerly jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make softly pranks.
A duckling joke
Why do baby ducks walk softly?
Because they can't walk, hardly.
A blonde walks into a library
and says to the librarian,"I'll have a cheese burger."
the librarian replies softly says,"Sweety, this is a library."
the blonde whispers,"Oh. Sorry, I'll have a cheese burger."
A young lady was walking through a field in Scotland...
...when she noticed a man passed out against a tree. Curious of what men wore underneath their kilts, she decided there was no better time to find out. She giggled softly, took her ribbon, and tied it at a strategic location.
The next morning the Scotsman woke up with a terrible hangover and needed to relieve himself. He stood up, lifted his kilt, and noticed a ribbon. He belted, "Laddie, I don't know what it was I was doing last night, but I'm sure glad to see you won a blue ribbon for it!"
A very attractive woman goes up to the bar in a quiet rural pub...
She gestures alluringly to the bartender, who comes over immediately. When he arrives, she seductively signals that he should bring his face closer to hers. When he does so, she begins to gently caress his full beard.
"Are you the manager?" she asks, softly s**... his face with both hands.
Actually, no". the man replies.
"Can you get him for me? I need to speak to him." she says, running her hands beyond his beard and into his hair.
"I'm afraid I can't." breathes the bartender. "Is there anything *I* can do?"
"Yes, there is. I need you to give him a message." she continues, popping a couple of fingers into his mouth and allowing him to s**... them gently.
"What should I tell him?" the bartender manages to say.
"Tell him," she whispers, "There is no toilet paper or hand soap in the ladies room."
Morning s**...
She was standing in the kitchen, preparing our usual
soft-boiled eggs and toast for breakfast, wearing only The 'T' shirt that she normally slept in.
As I walked in, almost awake, she turned to me and said softly, "You've got to make love to me this very moment!"
My eyes lit up and I thought, "I am either still dreaming or this is going to be my lucky day!" Not wanting to lose the moment, I embraced her and then gave it my all; right there on the kitchen table.
Afterwards she said, "Thanks," and returned to the stove,
her T-shirt still around her neck.
Happy, but a little puzzled, I asked, "What was that all about?"
She explained, "The egg timer's broken."
Morning s**...
She was standing in the kitchen, preparing our usual soft-boiled eggs and toast for breakfast, wearing only The 'T' shirt that she normally slept in.
As I walked in, almost awake, she turned to me and said softly, "You've got to make love to me this very moment!"
My eyes lit up and I thought, "I am either still dreaming or this is going to be my lucky day!" Not wanting to lose the moment, I embraced her and then gave it my all; right there on the kitchen table.
Afterwards she said, "Thanks," and returned to the stove, her T-shirt still around her neck.
Happy, but a little puzzled, I asked, "What was that all about?"
She explained, "The egg timer's broken."
A gorgeous student walks into her professor's office...
She says "Professor I'm really struggling in your class."
He say's "Ok it's good you're here then, what can I help you with?"
"Well I don't quite understand the material but honestly, I would do anything to pass."
"Anything?" He asks.
She leans in close and softly says "Anything."
He leans in closer, almost whispering as he asks:
"Would you, study?"
At Night
It is night, I'm sleeping. Gently you're moving towards me, softly touching my n**... body searching for that one special place. You've found it and you start s**... on it. You love it so much.
I hate you, mosquito.
British clock in german hands
During world war II, a british clock found its way into german hands. The strange thing about this clock was it went tick-tick-tick-tick, instead of tick-tock-tick-tock. The germans could not figure this out.
Finally, it went to the gestapo. Their chief interrogator softly whispered to the clock " We haff ways to make you tock"
Funniest Doctor Joke I've read in years (supposedly true):
As a new, young MD doing his residency in OB-GYN,
I was quite embarrassed when performing female pelvic exams...
To cover my embarrassment
I had unconsciously formed a habit of whistling softly.
The middle-aged lady upon whom I was performing this exam
suddenly burst out laughing and further embarrassing me.
I looked up from my work and sheepishly said. . .
' I'm sorry. Was I tickling you?'
She replied with tears running down her cheeks from laughing so hard . . .
' No, doctor, but the song you were whistling was . . .
' I wish I was an Oscar Meyer Wiener .' '
I just dreamt that you gave me a necklace of pearls
Upon waking, a woman said to her husband, "I just dreamt that you gave me a necklace of pearls. What do you think it means?"
The man smiled and kissed his wife. "You`ll know tonight," he softly whispered.
That evening, the man came home with a small package which he gave to his wife. She jumped up and embraced him, and then settled on the couch to slowly and delicately unwrap the package.
It contained a book entitled, 'The Meaning of Dreams'.
One I heard at a restaurant
"Am I the first girl you ever kissed?" She whispered softly to her date. "It's possible" he admitted, "Were you at Lake Geneva in 2004?"
A gentleman walks into a library...
A gentleman walks into a library, goes over to the librarian and says, "I'll take a cheeseburger, a medium fry, and a small chocolate shake.". Confused, the librarian replies, "Sir, this is a library!". The gentleman is very embarrassed. He softly whispers, "I'm terribly sorry. I'll take a cheeseburger, a medium fry, and a small chocolate shake.".
The wife
She was standing in the kitchen, preparing our usual soft-boiled eggs and toast for breakfast, wearing only The 'T' shirt that she normally slept in.
As I walked in, almost awake, she turned to me and said softly, "You've got to make love to me this very moment!
My eyes lit up and I thought, "I am either still dreaming or this is going to be my lucky day!
Not wanting to lose the moment, I embraced her and then gave it my all; right there on the kitchen table.
Afterwards she said, "Thanks," and returned to the stove, her T-shirt still around her neck.
Happy, but a little puzzled, I asked, "What was that all about?"
She explained, "The egg timer's broken."
Egg timer
She was standing in the kitchen, preparing our usual soft-boiled eggs and toast for breakfast, wearing only The 'T' shirt that she normally slept in.
As I walked in, almost awake, she turned to me and said softly, "You've got to make love to me this very moment!
My eyes lit up and I thought, "I am either still dreaming or this is going to be my lucky day!
Not wanting to lose the moment, I embraced her and then gave it my all; right there on the kitchen table.
Afterwards she said, "Thanks," and returned to the stove, her T-shirt still around her neck.
Happy, but a little puzzled, I asked, "What was that all about?"
She explained, "The egg timer's broken."
Morning s**...
She was standing in the kitchen, preparing our usual soft-boiled eggs and toast for breakfast, wearing only the t-shirt that she normally slept in.
As I walked in, almost awake, she turned to me and said softly "you've got to make love to me this very moment."
My eyes lit up and I thought, "I am either still dreaming or this us going to be my lucky day."
Not wanting to lose the moment, I embraced her and then gave her my all; right there on the kitchen table.
Afterwards she said, "thanx," and return to the stove, her t-shirt still around her neck.
Happy, but a little puzzle, I asked,
"What was that all about?"
She explained, *"the eggs timer's broken"*
Morning s**...
She was standing in the kitchen, preparing our usual
soft-boiled eggs and toast for breakfast, wearing only
the tee shirt that she normally slept in.
As I walked in, almost awake, she turned to me and said softly, You've got to make love to me this very moment!"
My eyes lit up and I thought, "I am either still dreaming
or this is going to be my lucky day!"
Not wanting to lose the moment, I embraced her and then gave it my all; right there on the kitchen table.
Afterwards she said, 'Thanks', and returned to the stove, her T-shirt still around her neck.
Happy, but a little puzzled, I asked, What was that all about?"
She explained, The egg timer's broken."
Why do penguins walk softly?
Because they can't walk hardly.
A Chinese man is making love to his wife...
The man is going for it m**... style, he slides up her body, kisses her softly and whispers in her ear, "Baby, I wanna 69!". Immediately, her face turns from pleasure to confusion and anger, she replies, "You want Salt and Pepper Chicken NOW?"
As a citizen from Baltic states
Hello Russia, my old friend
You've come to talk to me again
New SovietRussia vision softly creeping
You've spread your seeds while we were sleeping
And the vision that was planted in your brain
Still remains
Within the sound of silence
Ask Jeeves
A rich married couple went out to a fancy dinner, leaving their butler Jeeves behind.
Halfway through the dinner the wife excuses herself and tells her husband she'll see him at home later.
Jeeves is suprised to see the wife home so early. She smiles and then directs him to her bedroom.
Once they're both in the bedroom the wife gets close to Jeeves and asks him softly to remove her dress for her.
He does so.
She then leans closer to Jeeves and gently asks if he could take off her bra and p**....
As asked Jeeves removes the bra and p**... of his master's wife without hesitation.
The wife leans close enough to whisper into Jeeves ear, "Now don't ever let me catch you wearing my clothes again."
This kid walked up to me and called me gay..
I couldn't believe it. I wanted to punch this kid directly in the mouth. With my lips. Softly.
What do you call a pillow fight to the death?
Killing them softly.
I watched a crow land on the line out front today
it was joined by five more in a few minutes. They sat cawing softly a bit, then flew off different directions.
I think I just saw an attempted m**....
I went to the clinic today and nervously said, "Doc, this is a little embarrassing, but I've got a problem." Rolling his eyes, chuckling softly, he retorted, "Trust me, I'm a doctor. Nothing you can show me would be startling."
Hesitating just a bit, I stammered, "Well...I...I...I seem to have 5 p**...."
Stunned, eyes wide, he rasped, "Wait, what?! How did you get your pants on!?"
I whispered, "Actually, they fit like a glove."
A good-looking woman
A good-looking woman, maybe in her 60s, waked into a bar and sat at the counter next to a dapper gentleman, also in his 60s.
"You remind me of my third husband," she softly remarked.
Startled, he asked, "How many husbands have you had?"
"Two," she said, as a smile crossed her face.
Besides a good time, what do you call it when the Fonz is whispering softly in your ear?
AyyyySMR
A Spaniard is walking through a grocery store
He spies a carton on the shelf labeled "Soy Milk"
He smiles to himself and says softly "yes you are"
My dog was barking at the neighbour's dog so I gave her a big stick...
Now she barks softly.
Just a hotel bar...
There was a bar on the 42nd floor of the hotel. A dude drinks some whiskey . Then he says watch this. To a dude. He jumps out a window and right before he hits the ground he softly lands and comes back up to the bar. Puzzled, the dude asks how did you do that? The man says just drink some whiskey. The dude has some whiskey and jumps out the window and lands with a SPLAT!!! The bartender says Superman, your such a bad person when you are drunk.
I saw a lonely young man sitting at the bar
He was softly singing to himself *21 today, 21 today*.
Feeling sorry for the lad I bought him a beer.
With a smile and a nod of the head he sings *22 today, 22 today*!
After a lifetime wondering why he didn't look like his younger sister or brother, a man finally got up the nerve to ask his mother if he was adopted.
Yes, you were, son" his mother said as she started to cry softly. "But it didn't work out and they brought you back".
I walked into my room to find my girlfriend watching a video.
"Hey baby, what are you watching?", I ask.
"Ted talks", she mumbles softly.
"Really?", I say. "That's so awesome! What's your favorite talk? Mine is---"
"Baby, I said 'Tik toks'..."
A man visits a show of Amanda, the famous psychic and healer.
During the show Amanda walks to him, puts her hand on his shoulder and exclaims:
"You WILL walk!"
He says softly "But I'm fine, my legs already work."
She gestures dramatically and exclaims once more:
"YOU! WILL! WALK!"
The man decides to just play along, gets up and walks a small circle. The crowd goes nuts.
After the show he walks out, shakes his head and figures that this Amanda is just a fraud.
And then he discovered that his car got stolen.
Why I spoke so softly in the house?
My wife asked why I spoke so softly in the house.
I said I was afraid Mark Zuckerberg was listening!
She laughed.
I laughed.
Alexa laughed. Siri laughed.
My wife asked me why I was talking so softly at home...
.. I told her that I was afraid that Jeff Bezos might be listening! She laughed. I laughed. Alexa laughed.
A pony walks into a bar.
"What'll it be?" asks the bartender.
"I'll have one whiskey, please." the pony whispered softly.
The bartender says, "Sure, but why are you speaking so quietly?"
"I'm a little hoarse."
Walking through Paris, I noticed a young man sitting on a bench sobbing. I sat down beside him and softly said, "le monde". He raised his head, looked me in the eyes and said,
"That means the world to me."
what do call it when a Hawaiian laughs softly?
A-lo-ha
A businessman interviews a mathematician, an accountant, and an economist for a job
A businessman interviews a mathematician, an accountant, and an economist for a job. He asks them, What is 2 + 2?
The mathematician answers, Exactly 4.
The accountant replies, Depending on what your interest, depreciation, and taxes are, approximately 2.
The economist walks over to the door, shuts and locks it, closes the blinds on the window, and leans over and softly asks, What do you want it to be?
