The Best 74 Soft Jokes
Following is our collection of funny Soft jokes. There are some soft nis jokes no one knows (to tell your friends) and to make you laugh out loud.
Take your time to read those puns and riddles where you ask a question with answers, or where the setup is the punchline. We hope you will find these soft soft drink puns funny enough to tell and make people laugh.
Top 10 of the Funniest Soft Jokes and Puns
A woman stopped by, unannounced, at her son's house. She knocked on the door then immediately walked in.
She was shocked to see her daughter-in-law lying on the couch, totally naked. Soft music was playing, and the aroma of perfume filled the room.
"What are you doing?!" she asked.
"I'm waiting for Mike to come home from work," the daughter-in- law answered.
"But you're naked!" the mother-in-law exclaimed.
"This is my love dress," the daughter-in-law explained.
"Love dress? But you're naked!"
"Mike loves me and wants me to wear this dress," she explained." It excites him to no end. Every time he sees me in this dress, he instantly becomes romantic and ravages me for hours on end. He can't get enough of me".
The mother-in-law left. When she got home, she undressed, showered, put on her best perfume, dimmed the lights, put on a romantic CD, and lay on the couch, waiting for her husband to arrive.
Finally, her husband came home. He walked in and saw her lying there so provocatively.
"What are you doing?" he asked.
"This is my love dress," she whispered sensually.
"Needs ironing"...
Christmas cracker joke
A bottle of lemonade fell on a barmans head. Why wasn't he hurt? It was a soft drink.
The Jewish way
As a Jew I have a soft spot for jokes about my own people, and this is one of my favorites that isn't so well known.
A Jewish man walks into a whorehouse. The madame asks him what he'd like. He asks if any of the women there can have sex "the Jewish way". Puzzled, she goes to each of the unoccupied rooms, and asks the woman inside if she's familiar with having sex the Jewish way. Finally, they get to the last room. Inside is a prostitute who's extremely talented, and is one of the most expensive in the area. She asks, "do you know how to have sex the Jewish way? This man's looking for a woman who does". She responds, "no, I haven't. But to stay at the top of my profession, I'm always looking to improve. If you teach me how to have sex the Jewish way, we'll do that free of charge".
The man accepts the offer, and they have sex. She's surprised to find that it's just regular sex! Afterwards, she asks "What were you talking about, 'the Jewish way'? You just had sex with me, the most expensive hooker in town, for free?!" He smiles and replies, "that's the Jewish way!".
What state has the smallest soft drinks?
Minisoda
Which state serves the smallest soft drinks?
Minnesota.
Wittle Wabbit
little girl walks into a pet shop and asks in the sweetest little lisp: "Excuthe me, mithter, do you keep wittle wabbits?"
And the shopkeeper gets down on his knees, so that he's on her level, and asks: "Do you want a wittle white wabby or a soft and fuwwy bwack wabby or maybe one like that cute wittle bwown wabby over there?"
The little girl puts her hands on her knees, leans forward and says in a quiet voice: "I don't fink my pyfon really giveths a thit."
One I wrote a while ago: Anti-Boasting Cream
Now I don't tell many jokes and definitely don't write them so I found this on my phone from about two years ago and was amazed!
I went to see the Doctor this morning about my big ego. He told me to try this anti-boasting cream.
I said, how do I apply it? It's just i've got really soft, sensitive, supple skin. He said, You just have to rub it in.
A software engineer died at 45 and went to heaven.
He asked god why he was dead at such an early age. God replied "Son, according to the billable hours you filed in your time sheet you should be 92 by now "
A Software Programmer is going to the store.....
His wife says "get a loaf of bread, and if they have eggs, get a dozen."
The guy comes back with 12 loaves of bread.
His wife says "why did you get so much bread?"
He says, "they had eggs.
A software engineer, a chemical engineer and a mechanical engineer were riding along in a car.....
suddenly the car stopped. The mechanical engineer said "it must be a problem with the motor", the chemical engineer said "no it's most likely a fuel problem", then the software engineer said "maybe if we all get out, then get back in, it will start"
How can you tell when a Software Developer is an extrovert ?
He looks at *your* shoes when he's talking to you.
You can explore soft touch reddit one liners, including funnies and gags. Read them and you will understand what jokes are funny? Those of you who have teens can tell them clean soft gently dad jokes. There are also soft puns for kids, 5 year olds, boys and girls.
Why is Pavlov's hair so soft?
Classic conditioning.
I see that software legend Photoshop is turning 25 this week.
Actually, it's turning 38. It just looks 25.
What state has the best small sized soft drink?
Minisoda
How soft is Bill Gate's pillow?
Microsoft.
What's pink and hard when it goes in, and soft and wet when it comes out?
Bubble gum.
What does Cam Newton have in common with a Fig Newton?
They are both soft and crumble under pressure.
Three women decide to compare their husbands to soft drinks.
Three women are out to brunch, and they're talking about who has the best husband. One of them decides they should compare their respective husbands to soft drinks (sodas).
First woman: "My husband is like 7UP, because he's 7 inches and he's always up."
Second woman: "Well my husband is like Mountain Dew, because when he's mountin' me, he knows what to do."
Third woman: "Well my husband is like Jack Daniels."
First woman: "That's not a soft drink!"
Third woman: "I know, but he's a hard licker."
How many software developers does it take to fix a light bulb?
none, its a hardware issue.
So someone threw a can of soda at me today.
I'm alright though it was a soft drink.
What starts with a 'C', contains the letters U, N, and T, is hairy on the outside, and soft on the inside?
A coconut!
My high school assignment was to ask a veteran about World War II...
Since my grandfather had served during the war, I chose him. After a few basic questions, I very gingerly asked, "Did you ever kill anyone?"
He got quiet. Then, in a soft voice, he said, "Probably. I was the cook."
A blind rabbit and a blind slug
A blind rabbit and a blind slug are moving through the woods until the two of them bump into each other.
The slug reaches out, touches the rabbit, and says "You're soft and fluffy. You must be a rabbit."
The rabbit reaches out, touches the slug, and says "You're cold and slimy. You must be a politician."
My grandma caught me masturbating and she had a stroke...
She has such soft hands...
Adam and God discus women
Adam says to God, God, why did you make women so soft? God says, "So that you will like them. Adam says, "God, why did you make women so warm and cuddly? God says, So that you will like them. "Adam says to God, But, God, why did you make them so stupid? God says, So that they will like you.
Never confuse a Kiwi with an Aussie.
One's a soft, hairy fruit and the other's a Kiwi!
A vending machine fell on me today
Luckily it only had soft drinks
Have you heard the people who pronounce 'Pangea' with a hard 'g' instead of the soft one?
For the confused, I'm talking about consonantal drift.
My friend threw a can of coke at my head today...
Luckily it was a soft drink.
Software is like sex
It's better when it's free
What's the difference between a hard and soft shell taco from Taco Bell?
About 25 seconds in the microwave.
Why did the software developer go broke?
He used up all his cache !
My Grandmother was excited to hear that some cookies at the bake sale were baked by genuine prostitutes
Grandma did always have a soft spot for ho-made products.
To the software thieves who robbed me last night.
Don't think you can get away with taking Microsoft Office away from me. I will find you. You have my Word.
Which part of America can't sell full-sized soft drinks?
Minne-soda.
A software testing engineer walks into a bar.
and he orders a beer, Orders 0 beer, orders 32769 beers, orders 99999999 beers, orders a lizard, orders -1 beers, orders gksbfkagfiau.
The Deadliest Job in WW2
My high school assignment was to ask a veteran about World War II. Since my father had served in the Philippines during the war, I chose him. After a few basic questions, I very gingerly asked, Did you ever kill anyone?
Dad got quiet. Then, in a soft voice, he said, Probably. I was the cook.
So there was a shopkeeper who didn't liked Chinese
One day a Chinese man came to him and asked:
-I want buy dog food.
-I won't sell you dog food unless you come with dog.
-But I not want to come to shop with a dog.
Later he came with his dog and got his dog food.
The next day he came again and said:
-I want buy cat food.
-I won't sell you cat food unless you come with a cat.
-But I not want to come to shop with cat.
Later he came with his cat and got his cat food.
The next day he came with a paper bag:
-Put hand inside.
-Why?
-Just put hand inside.
-OK.
-Warm?
-Yes.
-Soft?
-Yes.
-I want buy toilet paper.
Boy, I just got hit in the head with a can of soda.
I was lucky it was a soft drink.
What is a video game art designer's favorite soft drink?
Sprite.
The teacher tells little Jack, "I'm going to describe an animal and you have to guess what it is."
"It lives on a farm and gives milk"
"A cow?"
"That's correct too, but I meant a goat. What lives on a farm, has feathers and lays eggs?"
"A chicken"
"That's correct too but I meant a duck."
Little Jack, getting annoyed, asks the teacher: "What goes into your mouth hard, and comes out soft and wet?"
The teacher starts blushing.
"That's correct too but I meant chewing gum."
I asked a group of women to describe their husbands using a soft drink [possibly NSFW]
The first said, "Mtn Dew, because he's always ready to mount 'n' do me"
The second said, "7up, because it may only be seven inches but it's always up"
The third said, "Jack Daniels"
I said, "But that's a hard liquor"
She relied, "Yes, and so is he"
I ordered a soft drink in Minneapolis and couldn't believe how small it was
Guess that's why it's in mini-soda.
A little girl walks into a pet shop
A little girl walks into a pet shop and asks in the sweetest little lisp, "Excuthe me, mithter, do you keep wittle wabbits?"
The shopkeeper bends down to her level, smiling, "Do you want a wittle white wabby or a soft and fuwwy bwack wabby, or maybe one like that cute wittle bwown wabby over there?"
The little girl leans forward and whispers, "I don't fink my pyfon really giveths a thit."
What soft and wrinkly but gets sharper when you use it?
Your brain! (This joke brought to you by one of my 2nd grade students. I told him it was so good I was going to put it on the internet.)
Did you know there is a condition that causes ones hair to be soft and healthy
The condition is called "er," but most people call it conditioner
What do you call the soft tissue between a shark's teeth?
A slow swimmer.
I don't understand what's so hard about describing a single portion of a soft and sweet baked good.
Honestly, it's a piece of cake.
How does Pavlov keep his hair so soft?
He conditions it.
Why was Pavlov's hair so soft?
Because he conditioned it
Studies show that 9 out of 10 men struggle with erectile dysfunction
I think that's crazy. Men nowadays are just getting soft
How did Pavlov make his hair so soft?
He conditioned it
My two year-old son told his first joke today. Afterwards, he burst out laughing for about 5 minutes straight saying 'I'm so funny' over and over again.
The joke.
Son comes in carrying a soft toy, a cow.
Son: "Mummy Mummy cow is being noisy!"
Mummy: "How is cow being nois---"
Son: "Moooooooo!!!!"
Then bursts into loud laughter.
Love this kid!
I just got hit in the head with a can of Pepsi
Luckily for me, it was a soft drink.
When software doesn't work
It just bugs me
I got hit on the head with a can of soda yesterday.
Lucky it was a soft drink
Two old men sitting on a park bench discussing their junk
First one says, I'll bet you mine is longer soft than yours is hard.
Second one says, That's ridiculous. I've known you my whole life. Never have you, _or your wife_, bragged of such a thing.
Fifty bucks says mine is longer soft than yours is hard.
You're on. How long is yours soft?
Seventeen years.
I got hit in the head with a can of Dr. Pepper today
Luckily I'm not hurt, it was a soft drink
A software tester walks into a bar.
He orders a beer, -1 beers, 50 beers, nuhriuh beers, NULL beers. The barman happily fulfils the orders he can, and declines the ones he can't.
A software user walks into the same bar, and asks the barman where the toilets are. The barman explodes, the bar burns to the ground, and the building collapses
Why can't software developers distinguish between Halloween and Christmas?
Because OCT 31 == DEC 25
(hint: octal and decimal are numerical bases 8 and 10 respectively, happy holidays!)
What is the only sized soft drink you can order in North Korea?
Supreme Liter.
Hit with a can
I got hit in the head with a can of soda yesterday. Luckily for me, it was a soft drink.
After a long and serious operation, Edna ended up in a coma.
Try as they might, the doctors just couldn't bring her out of it. When her husband Ralph came into the intensive care unit to see her, the doctors gave him the bad news, "We just can't wake her. It doesn't look good, I'm afraid."
The doctor told Ralph in a quiet somber voice. Ralph looked at Edna and with a soft trembling voice said, "But doctor, she's so young she's only 48."
"37," came the weak reply from Edna.
A software tester walks into a bar
Orders a beer. Orders 0 beers. Orders 999999999 beers. Orders a bear. Orders -1 beers. Orders hdtseatfibkd.
First real customer walks into a bar and asks where the bathroom is. The bar bursts into flames killing everyone inside.
A pharmacist comes back from his lunch break
He finds his assistant standing by a customer who seems very tense.
What's wrong with this man? The pharmacist asks his assistant.
He has a terrible cough! The assistant replied. And there was no cough medicine so I prescribed him laxatives instead.
The customer gives a soft groan as the pharmacist looks horrified.
You can't prescribe laxatives to treat a cough!
Well of course you can, replied the assistant. Look at the customer, he's far too scared to cough
I don't like Muslin Afghans and think people should stone them.
A good stonewash can make muslin fabric softer and more flexible which is better suited for afghans and blankets in general, otherwise just go with a soft acrylic yarn.
A software tester walks into a bar.
Runs into a bar.
Crawls into a bar.
Dances into a bar.
Flies into a bar.
Jumps into a bar.
And orders:
a beer.
2 beers.
0 beers.
99999999 beers.
a lizard in a beer glass.
\-1 beer.
"qwertyuiop" beers.
Testing complete.
A real customer walks into the bar and asks where the bathroom is.
The bar goes up in flames.
This new software developer is so socially awkward …
… he failed the Turing Test.
A software tester walks into a bar.
Runs into a bar.
Crawls into a bar.
Dances into a bar.
Flies into a bar.
Jumps into a bar.
And orders:
a beer.
2 beers.
0 beers.
99999999 beers.
a lizard in a beer glass.
\-1 beer.
"qwertyuiop" beers.
Testing complete.
A real customer walks into the bar and asks where the bathroom is.
The bar goes up in flames.
A guy goes into a bar in the middle of the day
It's quiet and practically deserted. He sits alone, thinking about the twists and turns his life has taken. He hears a soft voice:
"Nice tie"
He looks around but he doesn't see anyone. The voice speaks again:
"Great haircut. "
A few moments later:
"Congratulations on your promotion. "
He waves over the bartender to ask her if she hears anything. The bartender says: "That's the pretzels, they're complimentary."
Just had a stack of toilet rolls fall on me in the supermarket
I'm ok though, just soft tissue damage
I hit someone with a can of soda.
Don't worry, it was a soft drink.
My girlfriend's nickname for me is Bill Gates...
She said it's because I've got a micro soft too.
A Doctor was addressing a large audience.
The material we put into our stomachs is enough to have killed most of us sitting here, years ago.
Red meat is awful. Soft drinks corrode your stomach lining. Chinese food is loaded with MSG. High fat diets can be disastrous, and none of us realizes the long-term harm caused by the germs in our drinking water. But there is one thing that is the most dangerous of all and we all have, or will, eat it. Can anyone here tell me what food it is that causes the most grief and suffering for years after eating it?
After several seconds of quiet, a 75-year-old man in the front row raised his hand, and softly said, "Wedding Cake.
Just think that there are jokes based on truth that can bring down governments, or jokes which make girl laugh. Many of the soft tender jokes and puns are jokes supposed to be funny, but some can be offensive. When jokes go too far, are mean or racist, we try to silence them and it will be great if you give us feedback every time when a joke become bullying and inappropriate.
We suggest to use only working soft mild piadas for adults and blagues for friends. Some of the dirty witze and dark jokes are funny, but use them with caution in real life. Try to remember funny jokes you've never heard to tell your friends and will make you laugh.