Soft Jokes
163 soft jokes and hilarious soft puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about soft that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.
Enjoy the best of both worlds with soft jokes that are humorous, but not offensive. From double meaning jokes to funny puns to the classic “You so soft”, we’ve got a laugh for everyone, no matter how hard their sense of humor. Soft jokes are a great way to add a bit of fun to your day without any of the hard edges.
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Funniest Soft Short Jokes
Short soft jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The soft humour may include short smooth jokes also.
- Although Steve Irwin was known as the crocodile hunter ....he will always have soft spot in his heart for stingrays
- What soft and wrinkly but gets sharper when you use it? Your brain! (This joke brought to you by one of my 2nd grade students. I told him it was so good I was going to put it on the internet.)
- Have you heard the people who pronounce 'Pangea' with a hard 'g' instead of the soft one? For the confused, I'm talking about consonantal drift.
- What do you call an elevator with a group of slim, softly spoken, intelligent people inside? A Lift
(only a joke, my American friends) - Just had a stack of toilet rolls fall on me in the supermarket I'm ok though, just soft tissue damage
- Me and my wife got into an argument once so she smashed a glass coke bottle over my head Thank God it was a soft drink
- Did you know there is a condition that causes ones hair to be soft and healthy The condition is called "er," but most people call it conditioner
- What does Cam Newton have in common with a Fig Newton? They are both soft and crumble under pressure.
- I don't understand what's so hard about describing a single portion of a soft and sweet baked good. Honestly, it's a piece of cake.
- What's the difference between a hard and soft shell taco from Taco Bell? About 25 seconds in the microwave.
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Soft One Liners
Which soft one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with soft? I can suggest the ones about sweet and pleasant.
- Why is Pavlov's hair so soft? Classic conditioning.
- I got hit on the head with a can of soda yesterday. Lucky it was a soft drink
- What state has the smallest soft drinks? Minisoda
- My friend threw a can of coke at my head today... Luckily it was a soft drink.
- What goes in hard and dry but comes out soft and wet? Gum
- Which part of America can't sell full-sized soft drinks? Minne-soda.
- How soft is Bill Gate's pillow? Microsoft.
- What is a video game art designer's favorite soft drink? Sprite.
- Never confuse a Kiwi with an Aussie. One's a soft, hairy fruit and the other's a kiwi!
- What do you call the soft tissue between a shark's teeth? A slow swimmer.
- A vending machine fell on me today Luckily it only had soft drinks
- I've invented a new soft drink that floats out the can It breaks the laws of fizzicks
- A man is hit by a can of coke But he was alright because it was a soft drink
- Which U.S. state is famous for its extra-small soft drinks? Minnesota!
- What's the hardest thing in the world? Putting it in soft.
You So Soft Jokes
Here is a list of funny you so soft jokes and even better you so soft puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- I ordered a soft drink in Minneapolis and couldn't believe how small it was Guess that's why it's in mini-soda.
- The store I worked at fired me for not putting enough variety on their soft drinks display. Apparently I had too many lines of coke.
- The other day a girl asked me if I like b**... or thighs. I told her I prefer bubble butts and a trimmed p**... with thin lips... So I got kicked out of KFC.
- I work at a restaurant and had someone throw a soda at me.... Thank goodness it was a soft drink
- Why are dragon plushies soft and cuddly? They aren't scale models.
- My girlfriend's nickname for me is Bill Gates... She said it's because I've got a micro soft too.
- Baby skin isn't as soft as they say it is. Or maybe my rug is fake...
(Repost but haven't seen it in awhile!) - I hit someone with a can of soda. Don't worry, it was a soft drink.
- My brother threw a can of Pepsi at me from the roof... I'm just glad it was a soft drink otherwise that may have caused some serious damage.
- Why do Italian women love me? I'm firm when I need to be, but I can also be soft and tender.
The name's Dente.
Al Dente.
Soft Drink Jokes
Here is a list of funny soft drink jokes and even better soft drink puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- Fun Fact: if you drop a can of Coca-Cola on your foot it will hurt. A little ironic considering it's a soft drink.
- I Squash soft drink cans for a living It's soda pressing
Note: just made this up in the shower when I was thinking about how "so depressing" sounds like "soda pressing" - Why do soft drinks never win at basketball? Because they ain't got no hops
- What's Sauron's favorite soft drink? Mountain Dewm
- There was a sale today at the supermarket on soft drinks. You can say I was Schwepped away by it.
- What's Fred Flintstone's favorite soft drink? Mountain Yaba-daba-do
^I don't know if this is original but it just popped into my head. ^^I'll see myself out.. - I almost had to go the hospital today because a stranger threw a can of Pepsi at me... I'm just glad it was a soft drink. Otherwise, I would have had to get surgery.
- What's the best selling soft drink in Italy? Dr. Pepe
- What do you call a play with soft drink actors? What do you call a play with soft drink actors?
A fantamime - I was at a party the other night when a guy hit another dude in the head with a bottle Lucky for him it was a soft drink.
Soft Spot Jokes
Here is a list of funny soft spot jokes and even better soft spot puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- I have a soft spot for pizza... My belly
- Why do Babies have the soft spot on the top of their heads? So that if there is a fire in the hospital, the nurses can carry them out 3 to each hand like a bowling ball.
- I really like Windows as an OS. You could say I have a Micro_soft_ spot for it.
- The soft spot on baby's head is basically an off button If you press hard enough
Soft Serve Jokes
Here is a list of funny soft serve jokes and even better soft serve puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- I was playing tennis and eating an ice cream cone, I'm glad it was soft serve.
- What do bad dancers have in common with Michael J Fox trying to use the soft serve ice cream machine? They both have a hard time pulling off a twist.
Witty Soft Jokes for Laughter-Filled Fun with Friends
What funny jokes about soft you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean sticky jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make soft pranks.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A woman stopped by, unannounced, at her son's house. She knocked on the door then immediately walked in.
She was shocked to see her daughter-in-law lying on the couch, totally n**.... Soft music was playing, and the aroma of perfume filled the room.
"What are you doing?!" she asked.
"I'm waiting for Mike to come home from work," the daughter-in- law answered.
"But you're n**...!" the mother-in-law exclaimed.
"This is my love dress," the daughter-in-law explained.
"Love dress? But you're n**...!"
"Mike loves me and wants me to wear this dress," she explained." It excites him to no end. Every time he sees me in this dress, he instantly becomes romantic and ravages me for hours on end. He can't get enough of me".
The mother-in-law left. When she got home, she undressed, showered, put on her best perfume, dimmed the lights, put on a romantic CD, and lay on the couch, waiting for her husband to arrive.
Finally, her husband came home. He walked in and saw her lying there so provocatively.
"What are you doing?" he asked.
"This is my love dress," she whispered sensually.
"Needs ironing"...
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Christmas c**... joke
A bottle of lemonade fell on a barmans head. Why wasn't he hurt? It was a soft drink.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
The Jewish way
As a Jew I have a soft spot for jokes about my own people, and this is one of my favorites that isn't so well known.
A Jewish man walks into a w**.... The madame asks him what he'd like. He asks if any of the women there can have s**... "the Jewish way". Puzzled, she goes to each of the unoccupied rooms, and asks the woman inside if she's familiar with having s**... the Jewish way. Finally, they get to the last room. Inside is a p**... who's extremely talented, and is one of the most expensive in the area. She asks, "do you know how to have s**... the Jewish way? This man's looking for a woman who does". She responds, "no, I haven't. But to stay at the top of my profession, I'm always looking to improve. If you teach me how to have s**... the Jewish way, we'll do that free of charge".
The man accepts the offer, and they have s**.... She's surprised to find that it's just regular s**...! Afterwards, she asks "What were you talking about, 'the Jewish way'? You just had s**... with me, the most expensive h**... in town, for free?!" He smiles and replies, "that's the Jewish way!".
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
o**...-B, Angel Soft, Saab
Busta Rhymes not only owns all these products, he uses them as s**... commands.
Three software engineers...
...are riding in a truck that breaks down. They get out, and tries to see what he can see under the hood, but doesn't know anything about cars, another calls a tow truck and waits, and the third says "I don't know what's wrong, let's just get back in the car and see if it happens again"
If software developers made cars
They would cost $500, get 200 miles per gallon, and once a year would explode. Killing everyone inside.
Wittle Wabbit
little girl walks into a pet shop and asks in the sweetest little lisp: "Excuthe me, mithter, do you keep wittle wabbits?"
And the shopkeeper gets down on his knees, so that he's on her level, and asks: "Do you want a wittle white wabby or a soft and fuwwy bwack wabby or maybe one like that cute wittle bwown wabby over there?"
The little girl puts her hands on her knees, leans forward and says in a quiet voice: "I don't fink my pyfon really giveths a thit."
One I wrote a while ago: Anti-Boasting Cream
Now I don't tell many jokes and definitely don't write them so I found this on my phone from about two years ago and was amazed!
I went to see the Doctor this morning about my big ego. He told me to try this anti-boasting cream.
I said, how do I apply it? It's just i've got really soft, sensitive, supple skin. He said, You just have to rub it in.
A software engineer died at 45 and went to heaven.
He asked god why he was dead at such an early age. God replied "Son, according to the billable hours you filed in your time sheet you should be 92 by now "
How can you tell when a Software Developer is an extrovert ?
He looks at *your* shoes when he's talking to you.
What does a mother use to keep her childrens' toenails soft and smooth?
A pedi-file
So I made a Guardians of the Galaxy themed soft drink.
I call it Groot beer.
Why isn't the word gangster pronounced [Jang-ster]?
Because there ain't no such thing as a soft 'G.'
I see that software legend Photoshop is turning 25 this week.
Actually, it's turning 38. It just looks 25.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
What's pink and hard when it goes in, and soft and wet when it comes out?
Bubble gum.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Three women decide to compare their husbands to soft drinks.
Three women are out to brunch, and they're talking about who has the best husband. One of them decides they should compare their respective husbands to soft drinks (sodas).
First woman: "My husband is like 7UP, because he's 7 inches and he's always up."
Second woman: "Well my husband is like Mountain Dew, because when he's mountin' me, he knows what to do."
Third woman: "Well my husband is like Jack Daniels."
First woman: "That's not a soft drink!"
Third woman: "I know, but he's a hard l**...."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Why is it bad to be an egg?
You only get laid once.
You only get eaten once.
It takes you 4 minutes to get hard and only 2 minutes to get soft.
You have to share your box with 11 other guys.
The only chick that ever sat on your face was your mother.
I like my women like i like my toilet paper.
Soft, but not weak.
How does software eat it's food?
By taking large bytes!
A blind rabbit and a blind slug
A blind rabbit and a blind slug are moving through the woods until the two of them bump into each other.
The slug reaches out, touches the rabbit, and says "You're soft and fluffy. You must be a rabbit."
The rabbit reaches out, touches the slug, and says "You're cold and slimy. You must be a politician."
People are always calling me a soft touch...
As their proctologist, I take this as a compliment.
What is the softest part of a wheel chair?
The vegtable sitting in it
My uncle always said I was too soft.
But I just didn't fancy him.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
My grandma caught me m**... and she had a s**......
She has such soft hands...
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Yo momma is like cheap laundry detergent
Not as soft, doesn't smell as good, but gets way more loads
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Adam and God discus women
Adam says to God, God, why did you make women so soft? God says, "So that you will like them. Adam says, "God, why did you make women so warm and cuddly? God says, So that you will like them. "Adam says to God, But, God, why did you make them so s**...? God says, So that they will like you.
Old monk
There once was a very old monk that tended to break his bones when he fell down. He always walked barefooted everywhere he went so his feet were more callouses than soft skin. No one talked to him very long because his breath was so bad it could wilt flowers. They called him Super-calloused-fragile-mystic-cursed-with-halitosis
Are you boiling water?
Are you boiling water, because you make my noodle soft.
DAD
Some people ask the secret of our long marriage. We take time to go to a restaurant two times a week. A little candlelight, dinner, soft music and dancing. I go Tuesdays, she goes Fridays.'
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
What's soft and warm when you go to bed, but hard and stiff when you wake up?
v**... 😝
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Software is like s**...
It's better when it's free
Why did the software developer go broke?
He used up all his cache !
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
My Grandmother was excited to hear that some cookies at the bake sale were baked by genuine prostitutes
Grandma did always have a soft spot for h**...-made products.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
To the software thieves who robbed me last night.
Don't think you can get away with taking Microsoft Office away from me. I will find you. You have my Word.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
I go in hard, I come out soft, you blow me hard, what am I?
bubblegum.
A software testing engineer walks into a bar.
and he orders a beer, Orders 0 beer, orders 32769 beers, orders 99999999 beers, orders a lizard, orders -1 beers, orders gksbfkagfiau.
Mom's unintentional dirty joke
One night my brother and I were talking to my mom about how my brothers dog is always on the couch.
Mom: "You need to teach your dog to stay off the furniture when you're here with her, your dad will agree."
Brother: "Dad was the first one to let her get on the couch."
Me: "Wow dad is getting soft in his old age."
Mom: "Oh whatever your father is always soft when you boys aren't around."
Layers of unintentional dirtyness
The Deadliest Job in WW2
My high school assignment was to ask a veteran about World War II. Since my father had served in the Philippines during the war, I chose him. After a few basic questions, I very gingerly asked, Did you ever kill anyone?
Dad got quiet. Then, in a soft voice, he said, Probably. I was the cook.
So there was a shopkeeper who didn't liked Chinese
One day a Chinese man came to him and asked:
-I want buy dog food.
-I won't sell you dog food unless you come with dog.
-But I not want to come to shop with a dog.
Later he came with his dog and got his dog food.
The next day he came again and said:
-I want buy cat food.
-I won't sell you cat food unless you come with a cat.
-But I not want to come to shop with cat.
Later he came with his cat and got his cat food.
The next day he came with a paper bag:
-Put hand inside.
-Why?
-Just put hand inside.
-OK.
-Warm?
-Yes.
-Soft?
-Yes.
-I want buy toilet paper.
The teacher tells little Jack, "I'm going to describe an animal and you have to guess what it is."
"It lives on a farm and gives milk"
"A cow?"
"That's correct too, but I meant a goat. What lives on a farm, has feathers and lays eggs?"
"A chicken"
"That's correct too but I meant a duck."
Little Jack, getting annoyed, asks the teacher: "What goes into your mouth hard, and comes out soft and wet?"
The teacher starts blushing.
"That's correct too but I meant chewing gum."
For me, it's always hard talking to an attractive woman...
...then she'll notice it and it'll go soft again.
A little girl walks into a pet shop
A little girl walks into a pet shop and asks in the sweetest little lisp, "Excuthe me, mithter, do you keep wittle wabbits?"
The shopkeeper bends down to her level, smiling, "Do you want a wittle white wabby or a soft and fuwwy bwack wabby, or maybe one like that cute wittle bwown wabby over there?"
The little girl leans forward and whispers, "I don't fink my pyfon really giveths a thit."
What software does the Infinity Gauntlet run on?
ThanOS
Sinatra is diagnosed with schizophrenia...
He goes to see a psychologist and starts talking about his split personalities.
One is the charismatic singer who can perform and woo crowds with his talent and charm.
The other is Steve, who is reserved and shy and can't even speak in front of a more than a few people.
He starts off talking, timid and soft spoken.
The psychologist stops him and says Listen, first I'm gonna need you to be Frank with me
Did you know there's software that produces lotion?
It's called appointment.
Keep your eyes out for the early signs of a psychopath:
1) Obsession with setting fires
2) Persistent bedwetting past the age of 5
3) Cruelty to animals
4) Pronouncing "GIF" with a soft "G"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
I'm hard and hairy on the outside but soft and wet on the inside. My name begins with c , ends in t , and there's a u and n in between them. What am i?
A coconut.
It was so hard getting out of bed this morning
but then after I peed it went soft
How does a software developer call the sunrise?
Sunget
A couple celebrated their 25th wedding anniversary.
When they were asked what their secret was to a long lasting marriage they said:
"We take the time to go out to a restaurant two times a week. A candlelight dinner, soft music and a slow walk home. She goes on Tuesdays, and I go on Fridays."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
What was the p**...'s favorite soft drink?
w**...-chata
Yeah, lame, but at least not a repost.
