Amusing & Witty Sofa Jokes for Laughter-Filled Fun
After kissing a g**... her sofa she said let's take this upstairs
Ok I said You grab one end and I'll grab the other
n**... Wife's New p**...
A frustrated wife buys a pair of crotchless p**... in an attempt to spice up her dead s**... life. She puts them on, along with a short skirt and sets on the sofa opposite her husband. At certain moments during the game, she would uncross her legs, just long enough for her husband to see. Finally after a number of times he asks "Are you wearing crotchless p**...?" "Yesss." she says smiling seductively "Thank God." he says "I thought you were sitting on the cat."
Swapping Positions
He said to me ... . ......... Shall we try swapping positions tonight?
I said to him .. That's a good idea - you stand by the stove & sink while I sit on the sofa and do nothing but f**...
I went to my girlfriend's house last night for a romantic night in...
It was amazing, we had a three course meal with champagne over candle light, we then snuggled up on the sofa, to watch a movie, then, when we went up stairs, I let her get changed, while I spread rose petals over the bed, then, we had the most amazing, mind blowing s**... that I've ever had, but just as I was about to finish, her parents walked in...
I am now banned from babysitting.
Husband get back home from work asks wife
**Husband:** "Why are the torn condoms lying on the sofa?"
**Wife:** "What?....... Where?" rushes out to check.
She comes back furious saying:"I will kill you if you don't stop calling our children TORN CONDOMS"
I lost my wedding ring the other day
Had a quick check under the sofa but wasn't really that bothered until the missus came home and told me to look harder.
So I got a tattoo and s**... my head but I still couldn't find it.
Did you know Kurt Cobain had really bad dandruff?
They found his Head & Shoulders behind the sofa.
I walked in from work today and my wife was
sitting on the sofa with my girlfriend.
I said, "What's going on?"
"You tell me?" replied my wife.
I said, "I don't know, you're sitting on the sofa with a stranger."
"A stranger, eh?" shouted my girlfriend, "I'm no stranger, we've been having s**... for six months!"
I looked at my wife and said, "Is this true?"
Maybe I'm too old for pillow forts.
On the one hand, I feel young enough to want to build pillow forts, but on the other hand, I'm a grown up now, with my own adult responsibilities and apartment, so I don't have access to my parents' awesome sofa cushions.
Did you know George III never even bothered to leave his couch during the American Revolution?
He was sofa king comfortable.
My grandpa decided to take the dog out for a walk.
He returned an hour later with nothing but the dog lead.
As tears streamed down his face, he said, "I don't know where he went."
I said, "You forgot to take him with you, he's sleeping on the sofa."
You can explore sofa couch reddit one liners, including funnies and gags. Read them and you will understand what jokes are funny? Those of you who have teens can tell them clean sofa bedroom dad jokes. There are also sofa puns for kids, 5 year olds, boys and girls.
I like watching horror films behind the sofa.
That way my neighbours don't know I'm there.
A man went to see a shrink
He entered the room and remained standing by the door.
"I'm here because my wife treats me like a dog" the man said.
"Ok" the shrink replied, "Come and sit on this sofa and we can talk some more about this problem".
"No, i can't" said the man... "I'm not allowed on the sofa"
Furniture
A blonde walks into a department store and tells the salesman, "Hi, I'm looking to buy a s**... sofa."
The salesman, at first confused, suggests, "Oh, ma'am you must mean a *sectional* sofa, right?"
The blonde replies, "No I'm pretty sure it's a s**... sofa, my husband said he'd like an occasional piece in the living room."
A man is talking to his wife
When our neighbor Steve got a new leather sofa, you made me buy a better sofa. When he took his wife on a vacation you made us go on a better vacation. But now I am not sure what to do.
Did he get something new?
Yes, a mistress.
A man walks into a sofa
Couch!
There's furniture items that allow SFW swearing.
That's sofa king nice.
I yelled at my wife today for keeping broken condoms on the sofa
She answered that I shouldn't call our kids like that
I was walking down the road and a man offered me a free sofa and chairs.
I said no because my mother always told me not to accept suites from strangers.
I went to see an e**... last night...
She advertised "a real girlfriend experience."
When I got there, she opened the door and said, "You're late. I bet you've been drinking at bar again."
We didn't speak for the rest of the night and I ended up sleeping on the sofa.
I asked my friend how his new couch was going, he said
sofa, so good
My wife's a bit down so I decided to redecorate our living room
Thought it would chair her up but sofa she haven't even noticed
The man who invented the remote control has sadly died.
His body was found down the back of the sofa.
"You treat me like a dog," said my wife....
"We need to sit and talk about it right now," she continued.
"Ok," I replied, "but not on the sofa."
I just don't understand puns about furnitures!
I haven't done it sofa, it's just weird.
I bought a new sofa. Really comfortable.
So fa, so good.
(Well, at least it's OC :-) )
What did the happy couch say?
Sofa, so good
Started my new job as a furniture salesman yesterday
Sofa
So Good
Don't you love sitting on the sofa late at night with a glass of wine in your hand?
Until the police come along and e**... you out of IKEA.
Dating is cuddling on the sofa.
Marriage is sleeping on the sofa.
Stalin loses his pipe...
...he tells the KGB chairman to find Stalin's pipe.
Three days later, Stalin finds his pipe under a sofa. He calls the chairman to tell him that he can call off the search.
Upon telling him the news, the chairman said: "But that's impossible! Three people have already confessed to stealing the pipe!"
If King Awesome sat on a couch
He'd be Sofa King Awesome.
A man was in confession asking for forgiveness at his local church.
Man: Father I have sinned.
Yesterday my wife was leaning against the sofa and she was wearing a short Dress she looked so s**... I couldn't control myself. I went up behind her and spread her legs and started ramming her from behind uncontrollably.
Priest: oh no no they don't like that sort of behaviour is heaven.
Man: No they don't like it in Walmart either.
SMS
I was on sofa next to my wife who was eating and typing on her phone. So I heard my phone ringing at the kitchen where I was charging it. So I went to check , the sms was from my wife and she wrote "bring the salt on your way back."
My wife was surprised to hear that I actually enjoyed her punishment of making me sleeping on the sofa. I said that it made me feel manly, like I was camping...
...with a really angry bear somewhere close by...
A 12 year old boy comes home from school
He enters the home and his parents are sitting on the sofa together clutching hands.
Sit down son we have something to say says the dad
The boy sits down.
You're adopted the mother says.
The boy sighs and tears up and asks why didn't you say so before? I've always wondered
Good claps the father standing up swiftly. Get your bags packed, your new Parents will be here to pick you up in about an hour.
A couple go into a furniture shop, looking for a couch
A salesman asked them how their search is going.
The man replies, "Sofa so good".
Save money instantly
by turning your sofa into a sofa bed simply by forgetting your wedding anniversary.
Broken c**...
Husband: Honey, why is there a broken c**... laying in the sofa?
Wife tensed: Where?
She goes out to check and return
Wife: For God sakes, stop calling our son a broken c**...!
Tereasa May, the kind of negotiator......
To walk into DFS and walk out with a full price sofa.
Jesus take the wheel
Carlos and Jose help me carry the sofa
A woman comes home late in the night and goes quietly in the bedroom.
To her surprise, she sees male and female feet peeking out from under the blanket. Shocked and r**..., she gets her baseball bat and beats and beats until all movement stops. After that she goes into the living room and sees her husband laying on the sofa. He turns to her half asleep: "Oh, you're home, darling. I'm afraid we have to sleep here tonight, My parents came for a surprise visit."
Good-for-nothing
Husband: What are these good-for-nothing broken condoms doing on the sofa?
Wife : For god's sake , Thier names are John and Mary.
Husband proudly announces to his wife:
- Honey, I decided that it is time for me to drastically change my life position!
Wife, who knows him better than anyone, sarcastically asks:
-Are you sure sitting on the TV and watching the sofa is a good idea?
h**...: $10 on grass, $30 on sofa, $50 in bed Man: I'll pay $50
h**...: You're a man of class :)
Man: Class my a**..., I want it five times on grass
Has anyone else's gardening skills improved during this quarantine like mine have ?
I planted myself on the sofa at the beginning of April and I've grown bigger ever since
This dude and his girlfriend are making out on the sofa
After a while it starts getting a bit more intimate and intense. He asks her should we take this to the bedroom? She's thrilled and agrees. Only problem of they couldn't work out the right angle to get the sofa through the door.
What has four legs and is man's best friend?
A sofa.
I was looking for a sofa to buy, and the salesman pointed to one and said, This one can seat three people without any problems.
I said, Where the h**... am I going to find three people without any problems?
Had a fight with my wife....
So I didn't let her sleep on the sofa with me last night...
The salesman at the furniture store told me....
This sofa will seat 5 people without any problems.
I said, Where the h**... am I going to find 5 people without any problems?
3 months since I had COVID and I've still got very little sense of taste.
Sometimes I just find myself settling down on the sofa, opening up Netflix and sticking on Friends
I'm going to be a furniture store entrepreneur one day.
My first store will be called "Sofa Kingdom".
My second store will be called "Ottoman Empire."
Then people will say "That's Sofa Kingdom also."
What do you call a gay sofa?
A homosectional
I tried to build myself an armchair, but I s**... up some of the measurements and made it too wide
So near, and yet sofa
Stalin loses his favorite pipe
Couple of days later, Beria calls Stalin.
"Have you found your pipe?" asks Beria.
"Yes, as a matter of fact, I found it this morning under the sofa," says Stalin.
"This is impossible," says Beria, "three people have already confessed."
I was struggling to get my wife's attention.
So, I sat down on the sofa and looked comfortable.
That did the trick !!!
One day I'm going to open a furniture store named Sofa King.
That way I can make late night tv commercials and shout our prices are Sofa King low!
3 Docs needed…
A Doctor was relaxing on his sofa one evening just after arriving home from work. As he was tuning into the evening news, the phone rang.
The doctor calmly answered it, and heard the familiar voice of a colleague on the other end of the line.
"We have already opened an 18 year old RARE SINGLE MALT GLENFIDDICH WHISKEY..
"I'll be right over," whispered the doctor.
As he was moving out, his wife asked, "Is it serious..?"
"Oh yes, quite", said the doctor gravely. Shaking his head, he muttered "Only18 years old. 3 doctors are there already..!"
Before going to a party, my dad gave me some advice.
"Son," he said, "I want you to stop drinking at midnight. OK?"
"OK." I sighed, closing the front door.
I came back home at 3:15am, opened the front door, and he was waiting for me on the sofa.
"Alright there, daddy!" I shouted.
"*Daddy*?" he frowned. "You're drunk as a skunk, son, aren't you? I told you to stop drinking at midnight!"
"I did," I added, "But I carried on at 12:01."
What's a quick and easy way to turn a sofa into a bed?
Forget your other halfs birthday
What does the sofa say when you jump on it?
COUCH!
The police called to tell me they recovered my stolen sofa
I was very happy, because I just wanted them to find it.
Two dyslexic kids
Two dyslexic kids were sitting on a sofa. One asks the other "can you smell gas?" The other replies "Seriously dude? I can't even smell my own name".
When Love Fades......
Last night I was sitting on the sofa watching TV when I heard my wife's lovely voice from the kitchen.
"What would you like for dinner, my Love. . . Chicken, beef or lamb?"
I said, "Thank you, I'll have chicken."
She replied "You're having soup, a\*\*hole. I was talking to the cat."
TIL: During the 1960s, it was i**... for the Chinese people to sit on a sofa.
Because Mao was more of a chair man.
I asked my wife " Why are there broken condoms all over the sofa again?"
She replied "Please call our children by their proper names"...
I was absolutely furious with my son when he came home with a sofa and two chairs…
I've told him never to accept suites from strangers
I met a girl at a bar and we went back to hers and started making out on the sofa, she gave me a cheeky look and said ''I think we should take this upstairs''
Ok, I said, you carry one end and I'll get the other, be careful getting through the doorframe and we'll come back down for the cushions.
