Socialist Jokes

What are some Socialist jokes?

A nihilist, a socialist, and a neo-marxist walk into a bar and order drinks.

"We don't sell alcohol to anyone under 18", says the bartender.

"I'm a socialist drinker!" The bartender chuckled and asked me, "Don't you mean social drinker?"

"No, I only drink when someone else is paying."

Where does a socialist bird lay its eggs?

In a communest

Bernie Sanders is a true socialist

He's taking the delegates he's earned and giving them to somebody who is struggling to earn their own.

Bernie Sanders is such a socialist...

...he gave Hillary Clinton half the votes in Iowa.

What did socialists use before candles?

Light bulbs.

First they came for the communists

And I did not speak out because I was not a communist.

Then they came for the socialists, and I did not speak out because I was not a socialist.

Then they came for the Jews, and I did not speak out because I am not a Jew.

Then they came for the blacks, but I did not speak out because I was not black.

Then they came for the Arabs, but I did not speak out because I am not Arab.

Then they came for the transgendered, but I did not speak out because I am not transgender.

Then they came for the feminists, but I did not speak out because I am not a feminist.

Then they stopped coming for anyone because all the problems were pretty much gone at that point.

A Communist, Socialist and Capitalist all agree to meet at a cafe.

The Communist and the Capitalist arrive on time but the Socialist is late.

A hour later, the Socialist rushes in.

'Sorry I'm late guys' he said, 'I had to wait in line for a sausage'.

'What's a line?' asked the Capitalist.

'What's a sausage?' asked the Communistο»Ώ

What did socialists use before candles?


How do you starve a Socialist?

You hide their food stamps under their work boots.

Edit; Thank you /u/DoctorBrohoof for my first gold!

Why do socialists only drink decaffeinated tea?

Because proper tea is theft

All my friends and family thought I'll be a broke socialist out of college


A Socialist, a Marxist, and a Postmodernist walk into a strip club.

The bouncer checks their ID's and says

"sorry guys, come back when you're 21."

Why does a socialist only drink Herbal Tea?

Because Proper Tea is theft.

(This might be the most British joke I know).

An egoist, a feminist and a Socialist walk into a bar...

An egotist, a feminist, and a Socialist walk into a bar.
The bartender overheard their conversation about politics and sarcastically said, "You guys would be great presidential candidates." They took him seriously...

...apparently America did too.

Why did the liberal not want to talk to the socialist?

Because they are anti-social.

Bernie Sanders may be old, but he loves modern technologies such as. . .

Socialist Media.

What do you get when 2 leftists get together?

3 political parties: one Communist, one Socialist, and a third founded in an attempt to merge the first two.

New Deal joke my grandfather told me

Everyone has 2 cows.

The Socialist keeps 1 and gives 1 to his neighbour.

The Communist gives both cows to the government who gives back some of the milk.

The Fascist keep the cows but gives the milk to the government, who then sells some of it back.

The New Dealist shoots both the cows and milks the government.

Two house fires break out at noon on a Wednesday and destroys two families' homes. One family lives in a capitalist country and the other lives in a socialist country. Though the fires were nearly identical, only the family living in the socialist country dies in the fire...

Because in the capitalist country, the parents had jobs and the kids were in school.

Message from Europe

European: If your house is burning, should firefighters help you?
American: Yes of course. That is logical. And im willing to pay tax for it.
European: If you get robbed, should the police help you?
American: Yes of course. That is logical. And im willing to pay tax for it.
European: If you get hurt, should doctors help you?
American: Absolutely not! We dont want socialist propaganda.

Bartender and His Customers

A neurosurgeon, two Cubans, a fascist, a socialist, and a prisoner all walk into a bar together.

The bartender asks, "What's new?"

They all reply, "I'm running for president."

How many Socialists does it take to change a light bulb?

None comrade, the bulb holds the seeds to its own revolution!

A socialist and college student walk into the most liberal bar they could find...

...The college student orders first and asks for a free drink for his struggles.
The socialist asks the bartender to make his drink out of the redistributed drinks of all he richest individuals in the bar.

Two minutes later the bartender comes back with two empty glasses.

Where are our drinks? They demand.

The bartender responds:
This is a postmodernist bar and we recognize drinking is actually a very limiting social construct. Now we let everyone decide what drinking means to them.

I once went to a socialist bar and I didn't like it at all.

All the drinks were revolting.

What do you call a communist version of facebook?

Socialist media

Three men are sitting in the same prison cell.

Three men are sitting in the same prison cell.

The first man asks the second: "so, why are you here?", and he replies: "I came to work 15 minutes late and now I'm accused of being an unproductive parasite in the socialist state. How about you?".

The first answers: "I arrived 15 minutes early at work, and I'm accused of espionage in the socialist state".

They then turned to the third guy and asked: "How about you?" to which the man replied: "Well, I came to work *right* on time but was arrested for owning a Western watch".

It's time to act now

Let's stage a socialist takeover of Broadway and seize the means of productions!

What's the best question to ask an avowed socialist?

Can I borrow $100?

How to start a rave in a socialist country.

Tape a piece of bread to the ceiling.

Whaat do you get when you cross a Swede and a Norwegian?

A socialist who wants to be king!

What do you call a socialist horse?


What do you call a fat socialist?

Stretch Marx

Turns out my exam moderator, Karl, was a Prussian socialist

I guess Karl marx after all.

A Racist, a viciously jealous wife and a socialist walk into a room...

Welcome to the US General election debate!

So a racist pig, a sexist idiot, and a pot-smoking socialist run for president.

I am so sorry America. There is no happy ending here.

How many socialists does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

All of them.

Why arent there any Socialist entrepreneurs?

Seriously I dont know.....

A Republican, a Democrat, and a Socialist live in the same building. One day there is a fire, but only the Socialist dies. Why?

everyone else was at work.

A Muslim, an illegal alien, and a Socialist walk into a bar...

... Bartender goes, "What can I get you, Mr. President?"

A Socialist, a Communist, and a Liberal together at a table in a bar, what do you get?

An alt-right.

How did socialists illuminate their houses before candles?


I almost dated a socialist once...

But there were too many red flags.

I'm not a socialist.....

I'm actually kind of shy.

How to make Socialist jokes?

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