Social Security Jokes

Following is our collection of involvement humor and systems one-liner funnies working better than reddit jokes. They include Social Security puns for adults, dirty financial jokes or clean breach gags for kids.

There is an abundance of lapd jokes out there. You're fortunate to read a set of the 39 funniest jokes on social security. Full with funny wisecracks it is even funnier than any unauthorized witze you can hear about social security.

The Best jokes about Social Security

'90s kids won't get this

Social security

I scored a 175 on an IQ test with just 3 simple questions

1. My credit card number
2. My social security number
3. Uploading a scan of my birth certificate

I just scored a 180 on an IQ test answering three simple questions !

1. My credit card number
2. My social security number
3. Uploading a scan of my birth certificate

90's American kids will never get this!

Social Security.

2000's kids won't get this

Social security checks


Depression

I was so depressed last night thinking about the economy, wars, jobs, my savings, Social Security, retirement funds, etc., I felt like I needed to end it all, so I called the Suicide Hotline. I got a call center in Pakistan, and when I told them I was suicidal, they got all excited, and asked if I could drive a truck.

Mental health hotline.

Hello, welcome to the mental health hotline.

If you have obsessive compulsive disorder, press 1 repeatedly.

If you are co-dependent, please ask someone to press 2 for you.

If you have multiple personality syndrome, press 3, 4, 5, and 6.

If you suffer from paranoid schizophrenia, we know who you are and what you want. Stay on the line so we can trace your call.

If you are delusional, press 7 and your call will be transfered to the mothership.

If you are hearing voices, listen carefully and a small voice will tell you which number to press.

If you are manic depressive, it doesn't matter which button you press. No one will answer anyway.

If you are dyslexic, press 96969696969696.

If you have a nervous disorder, please fidget with the pound button until a representative comes on the line.

If you have amnesia, press 8 and state your name, address, phone number, date of birth, social security number, and your mother's and grandmother's maiden names.

If you have post traumatic stress disorder, slowly and carefully press 911.

If you have bi-polar disorder, please leave a message after the beep. Or before the beep. Or after the beep. Please wait for the beep.

If you have short term memory loss, please try you call again in a few minutes.

If you have low self esteem, please hang up. All our representatives are busy.

Social Security sex

Two men were talking. "So, how's your sex life?"
"Oh, nothing special. I'm having Social Security sex."
"Social Security sex?"
"Yeah, you know, I get a little each month, but not enough to live on.

Social Security. Get it?

You will when you're 65.

I was trying to come up with a joke about social security

I abandoned the idea because you probably won't get it

If you had your social security number in exact dollars how much money would you have?

I'd have 314,159,265


I was going to tell a joke about Social Security

But I realized no one was likely to get it.

Yo Momma so Old

Her social security number is 3.

Halloween is coming up. This is the best time to teach your kids about taxes and social security...

Take away 30% of their Halloween candy and promise them you'll give part of it back in 70 years!

Depression

I was so depressed last night thinking about the economy, wars, jobs, Social Security, retirement funds, and everything that I called the Suicide Lifeline. I was forwarded to a call centre in Pakistan and when I told them I was suicidal, they asked if I could drive a truck...

This guy tried to tell me a joke about Social Security...

I warned him ahead of time I probably won't get it.

An old man goes to apply for social security

An old man goes to apply for social security. The woman at the counter asks for his ID to confirm his age. The old man realizes that he has left it at home, so he takes off his shirt, revealing a chest full of silver hair and says "See this."
The woman replies "Well to have that much gray hair you must surely be old enough, application approved."
Elated the old man returns home and tells his wife what has occurred.
The wife looks at him and says "You should have dropped your pants, they would have given you disability also."

Nina and Liz are having a conversation during their lunch break.

Nina asks "So, Liz, how's your sex life these days?"

Liz replies "Oh, you know. It's the usual, Social Security kind".

"Social Security?" Nina asked quizzically.

"Yeah, you get a little each month, but it's not enough to live on"

Do you know what social security sex is?

It's when you get a little every month, but it's not enough to live off of.


A boomer, a millennial, and a Gen Z kid walk into a bar

They sit down at a table and order a bottle of whiskey. The boomer pours a tall glass for himself and says, "There ain't no social security left, so I'm pouring myself a big glass of whiskey!" Then, the millennial grabs the bottle an pours a medium sized glass and says, "I've got $100,000 in student loans and no one is hiring so I'M pouring myself a big glass of whiskey!" They both turn to the Gen Z kid and say "what about you? What are you drinking for?" The Gen Z kid holds up the empty bottle and says, "Nothing, you guys drank it all."

How is the government pranking millennials?

By making them pay into Social Security.

If your social security number was your cell phone number...

what would your number be?

Equifax's slogan is "Powering the World with Knowledge"...

Unfortunately, that includes powering the world with knowledge of my social security number.

Two skeletons meet, and one asks the other, "

Did you die before the Social Security reform, or after?"
"No, I'm still alive."

Wanna see a magic trick? Post you social security number in the comments below

and I will make the funds in your bank account disappear!

Calling a company be like:

Please listen carefully as our menu options have changed. Press 1 for English. To talk to a live person, please enter PI to the 27th digit followed by your 2nd cousin's social security number and the number Ο  . What was that? Sorry our automated system can't understand you. Please swallow your phone whole so we can listen to your vocal cords easier. You have made an INVALID SELECTION

A birth certificate is an apology from the government that you are now indentured and a social security number that you are no longer a sovereign.

An old man goes into the Social Security Office and fills out an application.

Too old to have a birth certificate, he is asked to prove he is old enough. He opens his shirt and shows them the gray hair on his chest and they accept that as proof. He goes home to his wife, shows her the check, and explains to her what has happened. She replies, "Well get back down there, pull down your pants, and see if you can get disability!"

Hello, and welcome to the mental health hotline.


If you are obsessive-compulsive, press 1 repeatedly.
If you are co-dependent, please ask someone to press 2 for you.
If you have multiple personalities, press 3, 4, 5, and 6.
If you are paranoid, we know who you are and what you want. Stay on the line so we can trace your call.
If you are delusional, press 7 and your call will be transferred to the mother ship.
If you are schizophrenic, listen carefully and a small voice will tell you which number to press.
If you are manic-depressive, it doesn’t matter which number you press, no one will answer.
If you are dyslexic, press 969696969696969.
If you have a nervous disorder, please fidget with the dash key until a representative comes on the line.
If you have amnesia, press 8 and state your name, address, phone number, date of birth, social security number, and your mother’s maiden name.
If you have post-traumatic stress disorder, slowly and carefully press 000.
If you have bipolar disorder, please leave a message after the beep or before the beep. Or after the beep. Please wait for the beep.
If you have low self-esteem, please hang up. All our operators are too busy to talk to you.
If you have short-term memory loss, press 9. If you have short-term memory loss, press 9. If you have short-term memory loss, press 9. If you have short-term memory loss, press 9…

An old man goes into the Social Security Office and fills out an application.

Too old to have a birth certificate, he is asked to prove he is old enough. He opens his shirt and shows them the gray hair on his chest and they accept that as proof. He goes home to his wife, shows her the check, and explains to her what has happened. She replies, "Well get back down there, pull down your pants, and see if you can get disability!"

By asking 4 questions i can tell what your zodiac sign is

1. What's your favorite color?

2. What's your mother's maiden name?

3. What's your social security number?

4. What's your birthday?

Millennials won't get this...

Social Security

Im a social drinker

Yep, I spend my social security checks on booze.

An old man goes into the Social Security Office and fills out an application.


Too old to have a birth certificate, he is asked to prove he is old enough.
He opens his shirt and shows them the gray hair on his chest and they accept that as proof.
He goes home to his wife, shows her the check, and explains to her what has happened.
She replies, β€œWell get back down there, pull down your pants, and see if you can get disability!”

What do you call always having a date for New Year's Eve? Social Security.

Yo mamma is so fat when she stepped on the scale it said her Social Security number.

Yo mama so old her Social Security number is 1.

A man was talking to his wife about going to the social security office.


He said he would go the next day.
So the next morning he goes but when he gets there he realized he forgot his license and she said that was fine she could tell his age by the hair on his chest. So he opened his shirt and everything went smoothly.
He got home and told his wife what happened and she said: "well honey if you would have pulled down your pants you could have filed for disability."

Chuck Norris' beard has it's own Social Security number.

Use only working piadas for adults and blagues for friends. Note that dirty and dark jokes are funny, but use them with caution in real life. You can seriously offend people by saying creepy dark humor words to them.

Joko Jokes