Social Jokes

'90s kids won't get this

Social security

I scored a 175 on an IQ test with just 3 simple questions

1. My credit card number
2. My social security number
3. Uploading a scan of my birth certificate

If i had a nickel for every existential crisis

it wouldn't matter because money is a social construct and existence is meaningless

My therapist said that my narcissism causes me to misread social situations.

I'm pretty sure she was hitting on me.

I always wanted to tell jokes...

I always wanted to tell jokes, but I had pretty severe social anxiety. So, I wrote the jokes down on pieces of paper and taped the paper to frisbees. Then I threw the frisbees at passers by so they could read my jokes.

The trouble was, most of them flew right over their heads.

Flat earthers are very worried about the COVID-19 pandemic.

They are afraid that social distancing measures may push people over the edge.

Guys I tried to think of a social distancing joke

but this is as close as I could get

I just scored a 180 on an IQ test answering three simple questions !

1. My credit card number
2. My social security number
3. Uploading a scan of my birth certificate

You know what separates the men from the boys?

Social services.

I got pulled over in the carpool lane.

Cop: Where's your passenger?

Me: Due to social distancing they're in the car behind me.

My therapist told me that I have trouble interpreting social cues.

I think she wants to have sex with me.

"I'm a socialist drinker!" The bartender chuckled and asked me, "Don't you mean social drinker?"

"No, I only drink when someone else is paying."

Typical day with a zero social filter 4 year old.

kijk

What's the difference between a bomb and a social justice warrior?

The bomb actually accomplishes something when it's triggered.

Where does a socialist bird lay its eggs?

In a communest

What is similar about coronavirus and sex?

Most Redditors lack the social skills to get either

Apparently people are getting paid now to mention products in their social media posts

That's as crazy as the discounts at Dave's furniture Emporium.

A lawyer, priest, and social worker are on a ship that hits an iceberg...

The captain comes over the intercom: "Everyone please make your way to the lifeboats".
The social worker yells out: "Women & children first!"
The lawyer starts pushing his way towards the boats: "Screw the children!"
The priest responds: "Do we have time?"

The Covid19 situation has been especially stressful for the Flat Earth Society.

They fear that the social distancing measures could push people over the edge.

I tried to come up with a joke about social distancing.

But this is as close as I could get.

I hate it when people outright copy and paste somebody's joke on Twitter and post it on a different social media platform.

Retweet if you agree.

90's American kids will never get this!

Social Security.

2000's kids won't get this

Social security checks

The real reason for the missing of many flat-earthers in recent weeks as suggested by their friends of similar thought

The Flat Earth Society has reported that the 6 foot social distancing measures have led to the pushing of some of their members over the edge.

Depression

I was so depressed last night thinking about the economy, wars, jobs, my savings, Social Security, retirement funds, etc., I felt like I needed to end it all, so I called the Suicide Hotline. I got a call center in Pakistan, and when I told them I was suicidal, they got all excited, and asked if I could drive a truck.

Google+ is like the gym of social networking.

We all join it, but nobody uses it.

What is Thanos favourite social media?

Obviously Snapchat

Sociologists say that social media is creating the laziest generation ever.

I expressed my opinion in great detail by hitting the Like button.

I made a gun in the style of a social justice warrior

It has too many triggers though.

Me: Doctor, you've gotta help me! I'm addicted to Social Media.

Doctor: I don't follow you.

Took a Cab Home

With the Holidays upon us I would like to share a personal experience with all of you about drinking and driving.

As you may know, some of us have been known to have brushes with the authorities from time to time on the way home after a "social session" out with friends. Well, two days ago I was out for an evening with friends and had several drinks of Scotch followed by some rather nice red wine... a dry Chianti I think it was. Feeling jolly, I still had the sense to know that I may be slightly over the limit.

That's when I did something that I've never done before, I took a cab home. Sure enough on the way home there was a police road block, but since it was a cab they waved it past. I arrived home safely without incident.

This was a real surprise as I had never driven a cab before, I don't know where I got it, and now that it's in my garage I'm not sure what to do with it.

What type of tea does the Social Justice Warrior avoid?

Reality

My dad's sister doesn't speak with anyone....

We call her Aunty Social

Why do social justice warriors hate dentists?

Because they make teeth straight and white.

Three social media news article writers walk into a bar

You won't believe what happens next.

If a very social person is called a "people person"...

Then wouldn't a very social goose be called a "geese goose"?

A business man was interviewing applicants

...for the position of divisional manager. He devised a simple test to select the most suitable person for the job. He asked each applicant the question, "What is two and two? "
The first interviewee was a journalist. His answer was "Twenty-two. "
The second was a social worker. She said, "I don't know the answer but I'm glad we had time to discuss this important question. "
The third applicant was an engineer. He pulled out a slide rule and showed the answer to be between 3.999 and 4.001.
The next person was a lawyer. He stated that in the case of Jenkins v Commr of Stamp Duties (Qld), two and two was proven to be four.
The last applicant was an accountant. The business man asked him, "How much is two and two? "
The accountant got up from his chair, went over to the door and closed it then came back and sat down. He leaned across the desk and said in a low voice, "How much do you want it to be? "
He got the job."

Family surroundings.

A social worker from Boston recently transferred to the mountains of West Virginia . She was on a tour of her new territory when she came upon the tiniest cabin she had ever seen in her life. Intrigued, she went up and knocked on the door. "Anybody home?" she asked. "Yep," came a kid's voice through the door. "Is your father there?" asked the social worker. "Pa? Nope, he left afore Ma came in," said the kid. "Well, is your mother there?" persisted the social worker. "Ma? Nope, she left just afore I got here," said the kid. "But," protested the social worker, "are you never together as a family?" "Sure, but not here," said the kid through the door, "this is the outhouse!"

Antivaxxers should create social media accounts for their children

They'll go viral in no time.

I don't understand why everyone is saying that Americans are refusing to social distance...

...six feet is six feet, even if it's six feet under.

What's the difference between a Social Worker and a pitbull?

You'll get some of your child back from the pitbull.

What did socialists use before candles?

Light bulbs.

Social services are talking to a recneck woman about her ten kids...

Social service guy: "ok miss, what's the first boy called?"

Recneck woman: "Billy-Joe"

SS guy: "and the second one?"

RW: "Billy-Joe"

The SS guy pauses for a second and asks "What's the third child called?"

RW: "Billy-Joe"

Ss guy: "hold on... Are ALL your boys caked Billy-Joe?"

RW: "They sure are."

SS: "doesn't that get confusing"

RW: "Naw, it helps. If I want the house clean I say "Billy-Joe clean up!" And they ALL clean up. At tea time I shout "Billy-Joe, food time" and they all come running."

SS guy: "but what if you need one specific boy?"

RW: "That's easy... I shout their surname."

Two social justice warriors walk into a fence store...

Both took a fence

I want to share a recent experience about drinking and driving.

As you know, some of us have had brushes with authorities on our way home from late night "social sessions". A couple of nights ago I was out with some friends having a few drinks and let's just say I may have had a few too many. Knowing that I was "slightly" over the limit, I did something I had never done before: I took a bus home. Sure enough I passed a police road block but as it was, they waved it past. So I arrived home safely without incident which was a real surprise, because I have never driven a bus before and I'm not sure where I got it.

People are surprised when I tell them that I have a 4.0GPA while working and maintaining an active social life

But hey, anything is possible if you lie.

I am a social vegan.

I avoid meet.

A guy walks into a...

A guy walks into a local welfare office to pick up his check. He marched straight up to the counter and said,"Hi. You know...., I just HATE drawing welfare. I'd really rather have a job." The social worker behind the counter said, "Your timing is excellent. We just got a job opening from a very wealthy old man who wants a Chauffeur and bodyguard for his beautiful daughter.
You'll drive his 2011 Mercedes-Benz CL and he will supply all of your clothes. "Because of the long hours, meals will be provided. You'll also be expected to escort the daughter on her overseas holiday trips. This is rather awkward to say, but you will also as part of your job description have to satisfy her sexual urges. The daughter is in her mid-20's and has a rather strong sex drive." The guy in wide-eyed amazement said, "You're bullshittin' me!"
The social worker said: "Yeah, well ... You started it".

What's the difference between a landslide and a social justice warrior?

It takes a lot of effort to trigger a landslide.

I would like to share an experience with you, about drinking and driving.

I would like to share an experience with you, about drinking
and driving. As you well know, some of us have been known to
have had brushes with the authorities on our way home from
the odd social session over the years. A couple of nights ago,
I was out for a few drinks with some friends
at the Marriott Hotel and had a few too many beers and some rather
nice red wine. Knowing full well I may have been slightly
over the limit, I did something I've never done before:
I took a bus home. Sure enough I passed a police road block
but as it was a bus, they waved it past.
I arrived home safely without incident, which was a real surprise, as
I have never driven a bus before and am not sure where I got it.

Holidays

With the Holidays upon us I would like to share a personal experience with my friends about drinking and driving.

As you may know some of us have been known to have brushes with the authorities from time to time on the way home after a "social session" out with friends. Well, two days ago I was out for an evening with friends and had several cocktails followed by some rather nice red wine. Feeling jolly I still had the sense to know that I may be slightly over the limit.

That's when I did something that I've never done before - I took a cab home.

Sure enough on the way home there was a police road block, but since it was a cab they waved it past. I arrived home safely without incident.

This was a real surprise as I had never driven a cab before, I don't know where I got it and now that it's in my garage I don't know what to do with it.

So apparently a gorilla got shot at the zoo for grabbing a kid that had wandered into its enclosure..

And social media went apeshit.

Take a cab if you're drinking

With the holidays upon us I would like to share a personal experience with you all about drinking and driving after a "social event" with friends.

This past Friday, I was out on a post-Thanksgiving evening with several friends. I had a
few cocktails, followed by several glasses of wine. Despite my jolliness, I still had the sense to know that I was over the limit. That's when I decided to do what I have never done before: I took a cab home. Sure enough, there was a police road block on the highway but, since it was a cab, they waved it past. I arrived home safely without incident.
This was both a great relief and surprise because I had never driven a cab before. I don't even know where I got it from and, now that it is in my garage, I don't know what to do with it.
Be safe out there

Why do engineers have to practice their social skills?

So they don't forget either of them.

Taking a Cab Home on NYE

Dear Friends,

With the Holidays upon us I would like to share a personal experience with my friends about drinking and driving.

Some of us have been known to have brushes with the authorities on the way home after a "social session" out with friends. Two days ago I was out for an evening with friends and had several cocktails followed by some rather nice red wine. Feeling jolly I still had the sense to know that I may be slightly over the limit.

That's when I did something that I've never done before - I took cab home. On the way home there was a police road block, since it was a cab they waved it past. I arrived home safely without incident. This was a real surprise as I had never driven a cab before, I don't know where I got it and now that it's in my garage I don't know what to do with it.

My Psychologist told me my narcissism could cause me to misread social situations

but i'm pretty sure she was just hitting on me.

I tried to start a religious social media page called Faithbook...

...but it was deemed offensive by the American Lisp Association.

I like to keep a gun in my nightstand drawer just in case someone breaks in

That way I can shoot myself to avoid social interaction

social distancing is great, public school shootings are down 100%

Unfortunately home school shootings are up 100%

What's a social gathering where everyone has beef with everyone ?

BBQ

How did the cavemen survive the asteroid that killed all the dinosaurs?

Social distancing, they stayed 56 million years apart.

My dad is taking social distancing very seriously

I haven't seen him in over ten years.

A guy walks into a welfare office...

to pick up his check. He marched
straight up to the counter and said, "Hi. You know, I just HATE drawing
welfare. I'd really rather have a job."

The social worker behind the counter said, "Your timing is excellent. We just got a job opening from a very wealthy old man who wants a chauffeur and bodyguard for his beautiful daughter. You'll have to drive around in his 2011 Mercedes-Benz CL, and he will supply all of your clothes.

"Because of the long hours, meals will be provided. You'll also be expected to escort the daughter on her overseas holiday trips.
This is rather awkward to say but you will also have, as part of your job, the assignment to satisfy her sexual urges as the daughter is in her mid-20's and has a rather strong sex drive."

The guy, just plain wide-eyed, said, "You're bullshittin' me!"

The social worker said, "Yeah, well ... You started it."

What's a seal's favorite social activity?

Clubbing...

I'm so sorry

What do you call a werewolf who has taken an interest in social justice?

Awarewolf

What did the white collar executive say to the low-income disenfranchised youth?

Nothing. Social dichotomy prevents the establishment of dialogue.

What's a Social Justice Warrior's favorite math course?

Triggernometry.

A doctor, a businessman, and a pre-school teacher...

A doctor, a businessman, and a pre-school teacher are invited to be part of a social experiment.

The doctor is brought into a room with a gorgeous blonde, brunette, and redhead, and asked which one he would most like to sleep with.

The Doctor replies, "I my professional experience, blondes tend to be more sensitive to stimulation, so I would do the blonde."

They repeat the experiment with the business man, and he replies, "In my professional experience, brunettes tend to be more assertive, and that's what I want in a lover, so I'd do the brunette."

Then the pre-school teacher came in. They showed him the blonde, the brunette, and the redhead, and asked him which woman he'd rather sleep with. He replies, "In my professional experience, If you're happy and you know it, do all three!"

A fathom is a unit of measure equal to 6 feet

Therefore, a cluster of rally attendees not practicing social distancing could be deemed "unfathomable"

What's the difference between Corona Virus and sex?

Most Redditors lack the social skills to get both.

10 little monkeys jumping on the bed...

10 little monkeys jumping on the bed,

One fell off and broke his head.

Momma called the doctor and the doctor said,

"No more monkeys jumping on the bed!"

.....

6 little monkeys jumping on the bed,

One fell off and broke his head.

Momma called the doctor and the doctor said,

"I'm calling social services."

Social Security sex

Two men were talking. "So, how's your sex life?"
"Oh, nothing special. I'm having Social Security sex."
"Social Security sex?"
"Yeah, you know, I get a little each month, but not enough to live on.

What do you call making your booty clap for likes and upvotes?

Social netwerking

Social Security. Get it?

You will when you're 65.

What's the difference between a social justice warrior and an IED?

You can't trigger an IED just by disagreeing with it.

We have collected gags that can be used as Social pranks to have fun with. If you want to stand out in a crowd with a good sense of humour joking about Social, here are one liners and funny Social pick up lines.

Joko Jokes