Soccer Player Jokes
90 soccer player jokes and hilarious soccer player puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about soccer player that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.
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Funniest Soccer Player Short Jokes
Short soccer player jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The soccer player humour may include short footballer jokes also.
- LPT: If you are planning to settle down, don't date a soccer player. There's only a 1/11 chance they are a keeper.
- My mom told me never date a soccer player, Because there is only a 9% chance they are a keeper.
- My friend has a weird quirk: he gets explosive diarrhea and just can't contain himself when he sees a certain soccer player... And boy, it's messi.
- Why do you never see any Asian soccer players? Because when they get a corner they build a shop.
- What's the difference between a WWE wrestler and a soccer player? A WWE wrestler will get up after faking an injury.
- How many Polish soccer players does it take to score a goal? 2: One polish player to score the goal, and one polish goal keeper to try to stop him.
- I used to be the worst player on my football team but then I moved to America Now I'm the worst on my soccer team
- We don't need to cancel the World Cup because of Covid-19 Because soccer players never get within 2 metres of each other anyway.
- My dad and I were invited for dinner at the house of the soccer player Hope Solo. It was the father, the son, and the goalie host.
- How can you recover from any injury almost immediately? Be a (professional) soccer player.
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Soccer Player One Liners
Which soccer player one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with soccer player? I can suggest the ones about football player and soccer ball.
- I'd never let my daughter date a soccer player There is a 1/11 chance he's a keeper
- Why did shakira marry a soccer player For his stamina mina eh eh!
- If I had to box a professional athlete. I would choose a soccer player.
- Why did the soccer player have to ask for a bib at the restaurant? Because he was Messi
- What is a soccer player's favorite drink? Sham-pain.
- Who is the most famous soccer player from USA? ronaldo McDonaldo
- What's green and yellow and can't fly? Brazilian soccer players.
- Just took an acting class.... Now I'm qualified to be a soccer player
- Don't date a soccer player... There's only a 1/11 chance they're a keeper.
- What do Greek soccer players wear? Soccer tee's
- Why couldn't the English Soccer player have a drink after the game? No cup.
- Super computers are like soccer players Tons of flops.
- Why soccer players don't play Uno? Because they don't like to get red cards.
- Boy, do I love soccer It's the only sport where the fans are tougher then the players.
- What does a German soccer player call his cleats? Das Boots
Hilarious Soccer Player Jokes to Make Your Friends Roar with Laughter
What funny jokes about soccer player you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean soccer coach jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make soccer player pranks.
A soccer coach walked into the locker room before a game, looked over to his star player and said: "I'm not supposed to let you play since you failed math, but we need you in there.
So, what I have to do is ask you a math question, and if you get it right, you can play."
The player agreed, and the coach looked into his eyes intently and asks: "Okay, now concentrate hard and tell me the answer to this. What is two plus two?"
The player thought for a moment and then he answered: "I think... no... yes... I’m not sure... what about 4?"
"Did you say 4?" the smiled coach exclaimed, excited that he got it right.
At that, all the other players on the team began screaming: "Come on coach, give him another chance!"
Chuck Norris used to be a soccer referee.
He lost the job after giving penalties to the players: Death Penalty.
Why do soccer players do so well in math? They know how to use their heads!
A soccer team goes to a bar after a big win.
The keeper decides to hang out with his close friend, a defense player and his girlfriend. As it comes time to head home, the defender pulls the keeper aside and decides to compliment him on his play.
"You know, you're good as a keeper."
"Oh? What brought this about?"
"Well to start, you've been keeping me from scoring all night."
3 soccer players, one plays for Manchester United, one for Liverpool and one for Arsenal, are lost in the desert.
They come across a dead camel and are having trouble deciding who gets what? So the guy from Manchester says, well since I'm from ManCHESTer, i'll get the chest. The player from liverpool goes, well in that case I'll eat the LIVER. Then guy from ARSEnal says...i'm not hungry....
Why are soccer players always so pale?
There's no light in the closet.
An Italian soccer player walks into a bar...
A man walks into a bar. He says: *Ouch* .
An Italian soccer player walks into a bar. He **SCREAMS IN PAIN, CLUTCHING HIMSELF IN AGONY YELLS AT PEOPLE NEARBY AT RANDOM TO CALL THE POLICE, CONTINUES SCREAMING FOR MINUTES ON END, UNTIL HE FINALLY FAINTS VIOLENTLY.**
Baseball & Football -George Carlin
Baseball is different from any other sport, very different. For instance, in most sports you score points or goals; in baseball you score runs. In most sports the ball, or object, is put in play by the offensive team; in baseball the defensive team puts the ball in play, and only the defense is allowed to touch the ball. In fact, in baseball if an offensive player touches the ball intentionally, he's out; sometimes unintentionally, he's out.
Also: in football,basketball, soccer, volleyball, and all sports played with a ball, you score with the ball and in baseball the ball prevents you from scoring.
In most sports the team is run by a coach; in baseball the team is run by a manager. And only in baseball does the manager or coach wear the same clothing the players do. If you'd ever seen John Madden in his Oakland Raiders uniform,you'd know the reason for this custom.
Now, I've mentioned football. Baseball & football are the two most popular spectator sports in this country. And as such, it seems they ought to be able to tell us something about ourselves and our values.
I enjoy comparing baseball and football:
Baseball is a nineteenth-century pastoral game.
Football is a twentieth-century technological struggle.
Baseball is played on a diamond, in a park.The baseball park!
Football is played on a gridiron, in a stadium, sometimes called Soldier Field or War Memorial Stadium.
Baseball begins in the spring, the season of new life.
Football begins in the fall, when everything's dying.
In football you wear a helmet.
In baseball you wear a cap.
Football is concerned with downs - what down is it?
Baseball is concerned with ups - who's up?
In football you receive a penalty.
In baseball you make an error.
In football the specialist comes in to kick.
In baseball the specialist comes in to relieve somebody.
Football has hitting, clipping, spearing, piling on, personal fouls, late hitting and unnecessary roughness.
Baseball has the sacrifice.
Football is played in any kind of weather: rain, snow, sleet, hail, fog...
In baseball, if it rains, we don't go out to play.
Baseball has the seventh inning stretch.
Football has the two minute warning.
Baseball has no time limit: we don't know when it's gonna end - might have extra innings.
Football is rigidly timed, and it will end even if we've got to go to sudden death.
In baseball, during the game, in the stands, there's kind of a picnic feeling; emotions may run high or low, but there's not too much unpleasantness.
In football, during the game in the stands, you can be sure that at least twenty-seven times you're capable of taking the life of a fellow human being.
And finally, the objectives of the two games are completely different:
In football the object is for the quarterback, also known as the field general, to be on target with his aerial assault, riddling the defense by hitting his receivers with deadly accuracy in spite of the blitz, even if he has to use shotgun. With short bullet passes and long bombs, he marches his troops into enemy territory, balancing this aerial assault with a sustained ground attack that punches holes in the forward wall of the enemy's defensive line.
In baseball the object is to go home! And to be safe! - I hope I'll be safe at home!
Soccer Players
They're so Messi
What happened to the Mexican soccer player when he played fair?
He got a green card.
US Soccer Joke
What STD did the US Soccer player get during the 2014 World Cup?
Ghana-RIO!
What's a Muslim soccer player's favorite way to move the ball?
A. k**.... B. Heading. C. Kneeing?
To a hockey player the world is a puck, soccer players are smarter.
I dated a soccer player once.
I also learned a new word that's in poor taste to yell out during c**....
How many soccer players does it take to screw a lightbulb?
Answer: Just 1, JOHN TERRY
I don't know the names of any soccer players, but
One of them always has their hair pretty Messi
So I heard today that all 25 U.S Women's Soccer Players are getting their own Sports Illustrated Cover...
That's going to be a lot of materiel to come across
Did you guys see the Special Olympics snap story?
The soccer players wouldn't be too bad if they weren't so slow.
Who is Bob Dylan's favourite soccer player?
Harry Kane.
What did the soccer player shout to the baker who's cakes kept sticking to the tin?
"LINE IT!"
TIL of a soccer player that is never invited to any parties
He is just too messi
I slept with every g**... my soccer team...
I think I'm a team player
...sorry I'll leave now :/
Why don't soccer players get hot while running?
Because they hve so many fans
Soccer
A soccer judge accidentally had given a c**... instead of the yellow card to a player. Nobody broke the rules in that match any more.
What aspect of the game do women soccer players like most?
Getting that good D
In the 90's Arsenal Soccer Club
Had a player called David d**.... When he was injured,the Newspaper wrote"arsenal to play without d**...". The coach was upset so the Newspaper changed the headline to read"Arsenal to play with d**... out"... A record number of women attended the match
How did the dead Soccer player clear the ball?
He passed away
What made the soccer player romantically shallow?
He was just trying to score
Why did the soccer player need a shower?
Because he was Messi
Do you know why an Asian teams can never win the soccer world cup?
...Every time a player gets a corner, he builds a shop
EVERY SOCCER PLAYER'S FAVORITE BEVERAGE?
Penal-tea!
Watching Portugal Player Soccer
Is like watching amateur actors early screen test... poor
Two German soccer players go to a s**... bank..
The nurse there tells them that she can only take samples from one of them. Since they are both very strong men, she comes to a conclusion and tells them "I'll take a sample from the fastest runner"
This is alarming to the two German's, both of them being completely exhausted from the previous days game. After discussing it for a while, they decide to inform the nurse
"I don't think we're ready to compete for the cup...
What do you get what two Soccer players see each other on the street walking on opposite sides?
An assault charge.
What did the Thai soccer player say to the rescue diver?
I didn't want to follow the coach but I eventually caved in
Have you heard how the Thai soccer team players are going to come out of the cave?
Wan by Wan.
What did the soccer coach trapped in a cave with his players say when they were finally freed?
"See ya at practice tomorrow boys"
How did the 12 soccer players and their couch survive for nine days in the cave before being found?
Because originally there were thirteen players.
What's the difference between a Thai soccer player and the World Cup?
Only one of them is coming home.
What do you call a Jamaican soccer player footwear?
Blood cleats
A soccer player walks into a bar
REF SEND HIM OFF! IM DYING PLEASE! NOOOOO!
Why are the mexican soccer players so nice?
They're looking for their green cards
Whats the hardest part of a soccer player?
Chasing your teammate who just scored.
TIFU by substituting in the wrong player in an important soccer game, I'm the coach
Whoops, wrong sub
Why did the soccer player give his girlfriend goalie gloves for Christmas?
Because she's a keeper.
An offense-ive joke
What do you call a soccer player who became i school shooter?
A striker.
What's the difference between Basketball players and Soccer players?
Basketball players get actual injuries.
My cousin is obsessed with football (soccer). So when I entered his room...
When I entered his room and saw that it was covered in posters of a famous Argentinian player, I thought to myself...
That's a Messi room.
In today's European Championship soccer match, several players from the Czech Republic were seen slipping on the grass repeatedly in their loss to Denmark, while their Danish opponents didn't seem to have an issue at all.
Must be an issue with Czechs and balances.
Employee comes back from a business trip to Brazil
Boss: How was your trip?
Employee: It was fine but I don't like Brazil. The whole country is nothing but soccer players and h**....
Boss: You do know that my wife is Brazilian, right?
Employee (flushing): Oh really? Which team does she play for?
