The Best 80 Soccer Jokes

Following is our collection of funny Soccer jokes. There are some soccer referee jokes no one knows (to tell your friends) and to make you laugh out loud.

Take your time to read those puns and riddles where you ask a question with answers, or where the setup is the punchline. We hope you will find these soccer kids soccer puns funny enough to tell and make people laugh.

Top 10 of the Funniest Soccer Jokes and Puns

A guy sits down on a bench next to a Thai kid wearing soccer cleats.

"So, who are you rooting for in the World Cup Final?" the man asks, noticing the soccer gear.

"I don't know, who's playing?" the boy answers.

"Jesus Christ, have you been under a rock or something?"

A Jew, a Catholic, and a Mormon all walk into a bar...

The Jewish man boasts, "I have four sons. One more and I'll have a basketball team." The Catholic man says, "That's nothing! I have ten sons. One more and I'll have a soccer team!" The Mormon stands up and proclaims, "Big deal! I have seventeen wives. One more and I'll have a golf course!"

A soccer team goes to a bar after a big win.

The keeper decides to hang out with his close friend, a defense player and his girlfriend. As it comes time to head home, the defender pulls the keeper aside and decides to compliment him on his play.

"You know, you're good as a keeper."

"Oh? What brought this about?"

"Well to start, you've been keeping me from scoring all night."

Soccer joke, A soccer team goes to a bar after a big win.

3 soccer players, one plays for Manchester United, one for Liverpool and one for Arsenal, are lost in the desert.

They come across a dead camel and are having trouble deciding who gets what? So the guy from Manchester says, well since I'm from ManCHESTer, i'll get the chest. The player from Liverpool goes, well in that case I'll eat the LIVER. Then guy from ARSEnal says...i'm not hungry....

Why did Cinderella get kicked off the soccer team?

She kept running away from the ball!


I'm watching TV

My grandfather walks by: What's on?
Me: Soccer
Grandfather: Who's playing?
Me: Austria-Hungary
Grandfather:And Against who?

What did the bad soccer announcer get for Christmas?

COOOAAAALLL!!!

Soccer joke, What did the bad soccer announcer get for Christmas?

World Cut Soccer

A little old Brazilian lady was walking down the street dragging two plastic garbage bags. One bag had a hole in it and $20 bills were flying out of it.

A policeman stopped her and said, "Ma'am, you're losing a lot of bills from that bag."

"Darnd!" she said, "Thanks for the warning. I'll go back and pick them up."

"Hold on there! Where'd all that money come from? Did you steal it?"

"Oh, no," she said. "My yard backs up on the stadium parking lot and, during tailgate parties, a lot of guys use my flower beds as bathrooms. So I stand behind a bush with my electric hedge clipper and when one is in mid-stream, I fire up the trimmer and say: '$20 or off it comes!'"

"Wow. Good idea!" laughed the cop. "But what's in the other bag?"

"Well," said the little old lady, "not all of them pay up!"

I don't watch World Cup soccer.

If I wanted to see grown men struggle to score for 90 minutes I'd go to a bar.

The Spanish national soccer team visited an orphanage in Brazil today

"It was hard to see their sad and hopeless faces", said one of the orphans

England soccer team have got a new captain today

His names George Smith and he'll be flying the A380 back to Heathrow..

You can explore soccer footballer reddit one liners, including funnies and gags. Read them and you will understand what jokes are funny? Those of you who have teens can tell them clean soccer handball dad jokes. There are also soccer puns for kids, 5 year olds, boys and girls.


Twilight's like soccer

Twilight's like soccer. They run around for two hours, nobody scores, and its billion fans insist you just don't understand.

My son played soccer in the mud all day.

He was a little Messi.

Why did the politically correct soccer team never win any matches?

Because no offense.

I don't watch soccer...

If I wanted to watch somebody struggle to score for 90 minutes, I would take my friends to the bar.

An Englishman, an Irishman and a Scotsman are drinking in a bar...

-You know - says the Englishman - I have 10 sons. That is almost a soccer team.

-That's nothing. - says the Irishman - I have 14 sons. That is almost a rugby team.

-Well - says the Scotsman - I have 17 daughters. That is almost a golf course.

Soccer joke, An Englishman, an Irishman and a Scotsman are drinking in a bar...

Why can't Cinderella play soccer?

Because she keeps running away from the ball

Why can't Pakistanis play soccer?

Whenever they get a corner they set up a convenience store

As a German I have concerns about the European soccer championship...

Last time it didn't end well when we sent a couple boys to France to defeat all of Europe.


What is the KKK's favourite football (soccer) club?

Blackburn

Why is women's soccer so rare?

It's quite hard to find enough women willing to wear the same outfit.

A doctor was checking up on his Patient at the psychiatric hospital

Doctor: How are you feeling?

Patient: I keep fantasizing about baboons playing soccer.

Doctor: Ok, I will give you medicine today, you'll stop fantasizing...

Patient: Give me the medicine tomorrow, today it's the finals!

So my new girlfriend plays soccer professionally

I think she's a keeper

Professional women's soccer is so boring.

Why am I even jerking off to this?

English, American and Arab guy bragging in a bar about their large family.

The American says: "I have 4 kids. One more, and I can make a basketball team!"

The English says: "I have 10 kids. One more, and I can make a football ("soccer") team!"

The Arab guy says: "I have 17 wifes. One more, and I can make a golf course!"

What's the difference between a WWE wrestler and a soccer player?

A WWE wrestler will get up after faking an injury.

I met a girl at a soccer game...

...I think she's a keeper

2 men are sitting on a bench in a park, filled with children. Kids are having fun.

Man 1: "Kids are amazing. Look at them, playing, socializing... so cute!"

Man 2: "Yup."

Man 1: "My Timmy, right over there, likes to play soccer with his friends."

Man 2: "Cool."

Man 1: "Hey, which one is yours?"

Man 2: "Haven't decided yet..."

Britons vs. Americans

Americans:
It's Mom not Mum
It's Chips not Crisps
It's Fries not Chips
It's Color not Colour
It's Soccer not Football
It's Football not Rugby

Britons:
It's School not Shooting Range.

Complaint from 3017: These children's long-term zero gravity soccer leagues are raising weak adults.

Every kid gets atrophy.

A buddy of mine started dating this girl that plays soccer. I like her a lot.

She's a keeper.

I passed by the prison today and they were playing soccer on the field

I shouted "Pass the ball, I'm free!!"

My friend has a weird quirk: he gets explosive diarrhea and just can't contain himself when he sees a certain soccer player...

And boy, it's Messi.

Wife says to her husband: "Choose, either me or the soccer game!"

He responds: "Give me 90 minutes to think."

I think I want to take up acting...

Does anyone know of a local soccer league I could join?

Three generations apart, watching a soccer game

"Hey great grandpa, watch this soccer game!"

"Sure, which two countries are playing?"

"Austria - Hungary."

"Against who?"

Why do you never see any Asian soccer players?

Because when they get a corner they build a shop.

My mom told me never date a soccer player,

Because there is only a 9% chance they are a keeper.

Why do italians love soccer?

Because halfway through they get to switch sides

Why is Spain so good at football (soccer)?

Because no one expects the Spanish in position!

A soccer referee picks up his phone during a match.

**14 Missed Calls**

What's worse than the US Men's Soccer Team?

Nothing. Absolutely Nothing.

What's a sexually confused weebs favourite sport?

Soccer...

Or as they call it in Japan... Futaball.

The American soccer team visited an orphanage today.

"It's heartbreaking to see their sad faces without hope." said Bill Rogers, age 6.

I watched a soccer game that ended in a 1-1 draw...

No 1-1

What did the bad soccer announcer get for Christmas?

COOOOOAAAAALLLLLLLLL

A guy goes to the doctor and tells him "Lately I've been dreaming of squirrels playing soccer!"

the doctor says "No problem, take these pills before bed, and it will keep you from having strange dreams."

The guy says "Sounds great, but can i start tomorrow night, tonight are the finals!"

Did you hear the score of the England vs Ethiopia soccer game?

England 8. Ethiopia didn't

A soccer mom walked into a tattoo parlor and asked for a Christmas tree on her left thigh and a turkey on the right thigh.

When they were done the artist asked why she wanted these tattoos.

She replied, "My husband always complains that there's nothing to eat between Thanksgiving and Christmas."

If I had to box a professional athlete.

I would choose a soccer player.

Two German soccer players go to a sperm bank..

The nurse there tells them that she can only take samples from one of them. Since they are both very strong men, she comes to a conclusion and tells them "I'll take a sample from the fastest runner"

This is alarming to the two German's, both of them being completely exhausted from the previous days game. After discussing it for a while, they decide to inform the nurse

"I don't think we're ready to compete for the cup...

Grandpa, grandpa! I'm watching a soccer game!

Who's playing?
Austria-Hungary
Against who?

*Canada's first Professional Soccer team has made it to FIFA*

That's to bad eh, they're parents could'nt afford hockey equipment growing up.

Why does America have the best movie industry in the world?

In the rest of the world, all the best actors play soccer.

You would think with an entire soccer team stuck in a cave....

One of them would have known how to dive

Who holds the record for longest time trapped in a cave with a soccer team?

It's a Thai

Why wont Demi Lovato play soccer?

She cant seem to kick anything

Life is like soccer

My mom signed me up for it even though I hate it

Why is Cinderella so bad at soccer?

**Because she always runs away from the ball!**

Why did Shakira marry a soccer player

For his stamina mina eh eh!

A joke originally told in Arabic

The doctor asks him what is that dreaming problem.

"Every night I go to sleep," the man says. "I dream of a soccer match between a team of elephants and a team of ants"

"Ok, take this medicine," the doctor says. "It will fix the problem."

The man refuses though and says:

"Can I take it tomorrow though? Today is the finals"

2 flies are playing soccer on a plate.

One says to the other "you'd better pick up your game Louie, we're playing in the cup tomorrow".

My son's team won the soccer tournament, so the goalkeeper invited the two of us for a party afterwards.

It was the father, the son, and the goalie host.

My girlfriend is beautiful and awesome at soccer

She's a keeper

An American, a German and an Arabian prince brag about who has the largest family.

The American says: "I got 5 kids. Only one more and I have an complete ice hockey team."

The German replies: "You amateur. I got 10 kids. Only one more and I can send a complete foootball (soccer) team onto the filed."

The Arabian prince then replies: "That's nothing... I've got 17 wives. Only one more and I have a complete golf course."

A mother asks her two sons who broke her favorite vase. She told them she won't get angry if they told the truth, yet one of them lied. The first son said he played soccer in the house but broke nothing. The second son said he only broke his own doll house. Who's lying?

The mother is, we all know she will stil get angry no matter what.

My pet pig loves soccer.

Usually he plays clean but as soon as he's in mud he's Messi.

Why was Cinderella bad at soccer?

She kept running away from the ball

My cousin is obsessed with football (soccer). So when I entered his room...

When I entered his room and saw that it was covered in posters of a famous Argentinian player, I thought to myself...

That's a Messi room.

In today's European Championship soccer match, several players from the Czech Republic were seen slipping on the grass repeatedly in their loss to Denmark, while their Danish opponents didn't seem to have an issue at all.

Must be an issue with Czechs and balances.

Bad dream

A guy went to the doctor complaining about a bad dream.

Doctor : what seems to be the problem?

Guy: I'm having dreams about this chickens playing in a soccer championship, every night.

Doctor: for how long?

Guy: must be a weak or so.

Doctor: okay, we'll solve this problem, just take this pills twice a day for a week, starting now!

Guy: OK Doc thank you but can I start tomorrow cause tonight is the final?

I started dating a girl who loves soccer

She's a keeper

A grandma asks her grandson if he'd like to go shopping with her.

The grandson responds "Not now, Grandma, I'm watching a soccer game!"


"Oh, really? Who's playing?"


"Czechs on Slovakia!"


"Against who?"

I brought my girlfriend to watch one of my soccer matches. When an opponent was about to score a goal, she stormed the field and prevented it with her bare hands.

She's a keeper.

My grandpa was very competitive...

My grandpa was so competitive with me and would always try to win any game we played. Baseball. Soccer. Even who could eat the most corn dogs.

But I'll never forget his last words to me as he was about to pass away, he look at me wide eyes and with his last breath he said…

… staring contest, go!

A man goes to a doctor because he always sees bugs that playing soccer through his eyes

Doctor: "So we need an MRI scan. We couid make you an appointment next sunday".
The patient seems surprised: "Are you nuts? Sunday is the finals".

A man is talking to his doctor about a recurring dream he keeps having.

"I keep dreaming about a soccer match between elephants and mice" the patient said

"No worries" says the doctor and gives the patient some medicine, "take this just before bed and you'll have a dreamless sleep"

"Ok, thank you doctor" responded the man "but can I start it tomorrow? The finals are tonight"

Why was the dog bad at soccer?

Because he had two left feet

What do you call a zombie that plays soccer?

A Ghoul keeper

My son started dating a goalie for a women's soccer team and asked me what I thought of her.

I said "Son, she's a keeper."

Just think that there are jokes based on truth that can bring down governments, or jokes which make girl laugh. Many of the soccer soccer player jokes and puns are jokes supposed to be funny, but some can be offensive. When jokes go too far, are mean or racist, we try to silence them and it will be great if you give us feedback every time when a joke become bullying and inappropriate.

We suggest to use only working soccer soccer referee piadas for adults and blagues for friends. Some of the dirty witze and dark jokes are funny, but use them with caution in real life. Try to remember funny jokes you've never heard to tell your friends and will make you laugh.

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