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Soccer Jokes

169 soccer jokes and hilarious soccer puns to laugh out loud. Read sport jokes about soccer that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.

If you've ever been enmeshed in the camaraderie of soccer fandom, you know that laughter is just as much the heart of the game as the goals scored. That's why we've curated "Pitch Perfect Laughs: Your Go-To Repository of Soccer Jokes", a fun-filled repository of witticisms themed around the beautiful game.

These jokes are perfect for lightening up halftime debates, livening up your match day social media posts, and creating a sense of kinship among fellow enthusiasts.

They can punctuate match commentaries beautifully or simply bring about a reason to smile on a rainy, matchless day. Add an extra dimension of cheer to your soccer experience - because there's more to soccer love than just cheering for your team!

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Funniest Soccer Short Jokes

Short soccer jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The soccer humour may include short hockey jokes also.

  1. LPT: If you are planning to settle down, don't date a soccer player. There's only a 1/11 chance they are a keeper.
  2. My son started dating a goalie for a women's soccer team and asked me what I thought of her. I said "Son, she's a keeper."
  3. Grandpa, grandpa! I'm watching a soccer game! Who's playing?
    Austria-Hungary
    Against who?
  4. I don't watch soccer... If I wanted to watch somebody struggle to score for 90 minutes, I would take my friends to the bar.
  5. Why is women's soccer so rare? It's quite hard to find enough women willing to wear the same outfit.
  6. England soccer team have got a new captain today His names George Smith and he'll be flying the A380 back to Heathrow..
  7. Went on a date with a girl once and she told me she played goalie on her soccer team Right at that moment, I knew that meant she was a keeper
  8. Wife says to her husband: "Choose, either me or the soccer game!" He responds: "Give me 90 minutes to think."
  9. I passed by the prison today and they were playing soccer on the field I shouted "Pass the ball, I'm free!!"
  10. I think I want to take up acting... Does anyone know of a local soccer league I could join?

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Soccer One Liners

Which soccer one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with soccer? I can suggest the ones about basketball and tennis.

  1. What did the bad soccer announcer get for Christmas? COOOAAAALLL!!!
  2. I'd never let my daughter date a soccer player There is a 1/11 chance he's a keeper
  3. Why do italians love soccer? Because halfway through they get to switch sides
  4. So my new girlfriend plays soccer professionally I think she's a keeper
  5. I started dating a girl who loves soccer She's a keeper
  6. My son played soccer in the mud all day. He was a little Messi.
  7. Did you hear the score of the England vs Ethiopia soccer game? England 8. Ethiopia didn't
  8. Why can't Cinderella play soccer? Because she keeps running away from the ball
  9. I watched a soccer game that ended in a 1-1 draw... No 1-1
  10. Why wont Demi Lovato play soccer? She cant seem to kick anything
  11. Professional women's soccer is so boring. Why am I even jerking off to this?
  12. Who holds the record for longest time trapped in a cave with a soccer team? It's a Thai
  13. Life is like soccer My mom signed me up for it even though I hate it
  14. Why did Cinderella get kicked off the soccer team? She kept running away from the ball!
  15. My girlfriend is beautiful and awesome at soccer She's a keeper

Soccer Am Jokes

Here is a list of funny soccer am jokes and even better soccer am puns that will make you laugh with friends.

  • I'm watching TV My grandfather walks by: What's on?
    Me: Soccer
    Grandfather: Who's playing?
    Me: Austria-Hungary
    Grandfather:And Against who?
  • Why was Cinderella so bad at soccer?… She kept running away from the ball!…
    (This has probably already been posted on here, but I don't really know, so I'm just going to post it…)
  • A buddy of mine started dating this girl that plays soccer. I like her a lot. She's a keeper.
  • Why can't Pakistanis play soccer? Whenever they get a corner they set up a convenience store
  • My mom told me never date a soccer player, Because there is only a 9% chance they are a keeper.
  • Complaint from 3017: These children's long-term zero gravity soccer leagues are raising weak adults. Every kid gets atrophy.
  • Three generations apart, watching a soccer game "Hey great grandpa, watch this soccer game!"
    "Sure, which two countries are playing?"
    "Austria - Hungary."
    "Against who?"
  • The American soccer team visited an orphanage today. "It's heartbreaking to see their sad faces without hope." said Bill Rogers, age 6.
  • I don't watch World Cup soccer. If I wanted to see grown men struggle to score for 90 minutes I'd go to a bar.
  • As a German I have concerns about the European soccer championship... Last time it didn't end well when we sent a couple boys to France to defeat all of Europe.

Soccer Player Jokes

Here is a list of funny soccer player jokes and even better soccer player puns that will make you laugh with friends.

  • My friend has a weird quirk: he gets explosive diarrhea and just can't contain himself when he sees a certain soccer player... And boy, it's messi.
  • Why did shakira marry a soccer player For his stamina mina eh eh!
  • If I had to box a professional athlete. I would choose a soccer player.
  • Why do you never see any Asian soccer players? Because when they get a corner they build a shop.
  • What's the difference between a WWE wrestler and a soccer player? A WWE wrestler will get up after faking an injury.
  • Why did the soccer player have to ask for a bib at the restaurant? Because he was Messi
  • What is a soccer player's favorite drink? Sham-pain.
  • How many Polish soccer players does it take to score a goal? 2: One polish player to score the goal, and one polish goal keeper to try to stop him.
  • I used to be the worst player on my football team but then I moved to America Now I'm the worst on my soccer team
  • Who is the most famous soccer player from USA? ronaldo McDonaldo
Soccer joke, Who is the most famous soccer player from USA?

Soccer Team Jokes

Here is a list of funny soccer team jokes and even better soccer team puns that will make you laugh with friends.

  • My son's team won the soccer tournament, so the goalkeeper invited the two of us for a party afterwards. It was the father, the son, and the goalie host.
  • You would think with an entire soccer team stuck in a cave.... One of them would have known how to dive
  • The Spanish national soccer team visited an orphanage in Brazil today "It was hard to see their sad and hopeless faces", said one of the orphans
  • Why did the guy marry his wife above all the other women on the soccer team. She's a keeper.
  • Why did the politically correct soccer team never win any matches? Because no offense.
  • *Canada's first Professional Soccer team has made it to FIFA* That's to bad eh, they're parents could'nt afford hockey equipment growing up.
  • What's worse than the US Men's Soccer Team? Nothing. Absolutely Nothing.
  • Our soccer team is not too good. In the game today, the opposing team hit the bar twice in the first half. They could have at least waited till the end of the game to celebrate.
  • Why doesn't Cuba have a soccer team? All their athletes are training for distance swimming.
  • What do u call 11 divers and a net? A soccer team.

Soccer Game Jokes

Here is a list of funny soccer game jokes and even better soccer game puns that will make you laugh with friends.

  • 2 flies are playing soccer on a plate. One says to the other "you'd better pick up your game Louie, we're playing in the cup tomorrow".
  • I met a girl at a soccer game... ...I think she's a keeper
  • Soccer is a strange game. Soccer is a bunch of people running away from their goals.
  • Lame joke of the day. Why did the turkey get ejected from the soccer game?
    He had tripped a fan.
  • My boyfriend made a save in a soccer game. That's how I knew he was a keeper.
  • They should end soccer games with an art competition. That way it would be win, lose or draw.
  • Soccer is the only sport that's not a game of inches. It's a game of feet.
  • What's the end result of a soccer game between Jamaica and Ethiopia? Half the grass is smoked and the other half is eaten.
  • Man! Did anyone else see the result of the Egypt vs Ethopia soccer game? Egypt: 8.
    Ethopia: Didn't.
  • How did the drunk Irish man lose 30$? He bet 10$ on the soccer game and 20$ on the replay.
Soccer joke, How did the drunk Irish man lose 30$?

Pitch Perfect Laughs: Your Go-To Repository of Soccer Jokes

What funny jokes about soccer you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean cricket jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make soccer pranks.

A guy sits down on a bench next to a Thai kid wearing soccer cleats.

"So, who are you rooting for in the World Cup Final?" the man asks, noticing the soccer gear.
"I don't know, who's playing?" the boy answers.
"Jesus Christ, have you been under a rock or something?"

What did the spanish soccer announcer invest in?

**GOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOLD**

A Jew, a Catholic, and a m**... all walk into a bar...

The Jewish man boasts, "I have four sons. One more and I'll have a basketball team." The Catholic man says, "That's nothing! I have ten sons. One more and I'll have a soccer team!" The m**... stands up and proclaims, "Big deal! I have seventeen wives. One more and I'll have a golf course!"

A soccer team goes to a bar after a big win.

The keeper decides to hang out with his close friend, a defense player and his girlfriend. As it comes time to head home, the defender pulls the keeper aside and decides to compliment him on his play.
"You know, you're good as a keeper."
"Oh? What brought this about?"
"Well to start, you've been keeping me from scoring all night."

3 soccer players, one plays for Manchester United, one for Liverpool and one for Arsenal, are lost in the desert.

They come across a dead camel and are having trouble deciding who gets what? So the guy from Manchester says, well since I'm from ManCHESTer, i'll get the chest. The player from Liverpool goes, well in that case I'll eat the LIVER. Then guy from ARSEnal says...i'm not hungry....

World Cut Soccer

A little old Brazilian lady was walking down the street dragging two plastic garbage bags. One bag had a hole in it and $20 bills were flying out of it.
A policeman stopped her and said, "Ma'am, you're losing a lot of bills from that bag."
"Darnd!" she said, "Thanks for the warning. I'll go back and pick them up."
"Hold on there! Where'd all that money come from? Did you steal it?"
"Oh, no," she said. "My yard backs up on the stadium parking lot and, during tailgate parties, a lot of guys use my flower beds as bathrooms. So I stand behind a bush with my electric hedge clipper and when one is in mid-stream, I fire up the trimmer and say: '$20 or off it comes!'"
"Wow. Good idea!" laughed the cop. "But what's in the other bag?"
"Well," said the little old lady, "not all of them pay up!"

Twilight's like soccer

Twilight's like soccer. They run around for two hours, nobody scores, and its billion fans insist you just don't understand.

My girlfriend said she was leaving me because of my obsession with soccer

So I said "On loan or permanent transfer?"

The Japanese soccer team visits an orphanage in Spain.

"It's so sad to see the hopeless looks on their faces", said Rico, age 6.

An Englishman, an Irishman and a Scotsman are drinking in a bar...

-You know - says the Englishman - I have 10 sons. That is almost a soccer team.
-That's nothing. - says the Irishman - I have 14 sons. That is almost a rugby team.
-Well - says the Scotsman - I have 17 daughters. That is almost a golf course.

What did the bad soccer announcer get in his stocking?

COOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOAL!

What is the k**...'s favourite football (soccer) club?

Blackburn

A doctor was checking up on his Patient at the psychiatric hospital

Doctor: How are you feeling?
Patient: I keep fantasizing about baboons playing soccer.
Doctor: Ok, I will give you medicine today, you'll stop fantasizing...
Patient: Give me the medicine tomorrow, today it's the finals!

Did you guys see the score of the Egypt vs Ethiopia soccer match?

Egypt 8 .. Ethiopia didn't

English, American and Arab guy bragging in a bar about their large family.

The American says: "I have 4 kids. One more, and I can make a basketball team!"
The English says: "I have 10 kids. One more, and I can make a football ("soccer") team!"
The Arab guy says: "I have 17 wifes. One more, and I can make a golf course!"

2 men are sitting on a bench in a park, filled with children. Kids are having fun.

Man 1: "Kids are amazing. Look at them, playing, socializing... so cute!"
Man 2: "Yup."
Man 1: "My Timmy, right over there, likes to play soccer with his friends."
Man 2: "Cool."
Man 1: "Hey, which one is yours?"
Man 2: "Haven't decided yet..."

Britons vs. Americans

Americans:
It's Mom not Mum
It's Chips not Crisps
It's Fries not Chips
It's Color not Colour
It's Soccer not Football
It's Football not Rugby
Britons:
It's School not Shooting Range.

In the 90's Arsenal Soccer Club

Had a player called David d**.... When he was injured,the Newspaper wrote"Arsenal to play without d**...". The coach was upset so the Newspaper changed the headline to read"Arsenal to play with d**... out"... A record number of women attended the match

The best soccer team in the world

We will put g**... as defenders, since they pressure well from the back.
Arabs, Chinese and Caucasians in mid because they bring color to the field.
Jews will be attackers because it's frowned upon to chase them.
And a 50 year old nun as our goalkeeper.
Because she hasn't let anyone in for three decades straight.

Why is Spain so good at football (soccer)?

Because no one expects the Spanish in position!

A soccer referee picks up his phone during a match.

**14 Missed Calls**

What's a s**... confused weebs favourite sport?

Soccer...
Or as they call it in Japan... Futaball.

What did the bad soccer announcer get for Christmas?

COOOOOAAAAALLLLLLLLL

Why didn't Jesus play hockey?

Because soccer and baseball are much more popular in Mexico.

A guy goes to the doctor and tells him "Lately I've been dreaming of squirrels playing soccer!"

the doctor says "No problem, take these pills before bed, and it will keep you from having strange dreams."
The guy says "Sounds great, but can i start tomorrow night, tonight are the finals!"

A soccer mom walked into a tattoo parlor and asked for a Christmas tree on her left thigh and a turkey on the right thigh.

When they were done the artist asked why she wanted these tattoos.
She replied, "My husband always complains that there's nothing to eat between Thanksgiving and Christmas."

It's all soccer jokes now

What's the difference between Enland, and a teabag?...
Well, the teabag stays in the cup longer than Enland

Saudi Arabia won against Egypt in a Soccer match.

Egyptians had a better plan but Saudis had better execution.

Two German soccer players go to a s**... bank..

The nurse there tells them that she can only take samples from one of them. Since they are both very strong men, she comes to a conclusion and tells them "I'll take a sample from the fastest runner"
This is alarming to the two German's, both of them being completely exhausted from the previous days game. After discussing it for a while, they decide to inform the nurse
"I don't think we're ready to compete for the cup...

Why does America have the best movie industry in the world?

In the rest of the world, all the best actors play soccer.

Yo Mamma so fat...

Yo mamma so fat, that when you were being delivered at the hospital the doctor had to send in a rescue diver. He pulled out you, 11 other kids, and a soccer coach.

Rat Dreams

David goes to a doctor.
David : Doctor, I see weird dreams.... Rats play soccer in my dreams.
Doctor : I see... I'll write you some tablets. Start taking them from tonight.
David : Can I please start taking them from tomorrow?
Doctor : Why from tomorrow? Why not before going to bed tonight?
David : Because it's the finals tonight

Why is Cinderella so bad at soccer?

**Because she always runs away from the ball!**

A joke originally told in Arabic

The doctor asks him what is that dreaming problem.
"Every night I go to sleep," the man says. "I dream of a soccer match between a team of elephants and a team of ants"
"Ok, take this medicine," the doctor says. "It will fix the problem."
The man refuses though and says:
"Can I take it tomorrow though? Today is the finals"

An American, a German and an Arabian prince brag about who has the largest family.

The American says: "I got 5 kids. Only one more and I have an complete ice hockey team."
The German replies: "You amateur. I got 10 kids. Only one more and I can send a complete foootball (soccer) team onto the filed."
The Arabian prince then replies: "That's nothing... I've got 17 wives. Only one more and I have a complete golf course."

Soccer joke, An American, a German and an Arabian prince brag about who has the largest family.

jokes about soccer