The Best 58 Sober Jokes
Following is our collection of funny Sober jokes. There are some sober teetotaler jokes no one knows (to tell your friends) and to make you laugh out loud.
Take your time to read those puns and riddles where you ask a question with answers, or where the setup is the punchline. We hope you will find these sober abstinence puns funny enough to tell and make people laugh.
Top 10 of the Funniest Sober Jokes and Puns
What do you call a sober Irishman?
A liar.
What do you call an Irishman with two broken arms?
sober
I'd like to congratulate Whitney Houston...
...on being 24 hours sober!
Congratulations to Amy Winehouse
For being sober one year.
What happens if you play a country song backward?
You get your house back, your dog back, your wife back, and you sober up.
A sober Irishman arrives goes home after work...
That's it.
A Sober Irishman...
.
The day after Beethoven's funeral
The day after Beethoven's funeral, at midnight, a drunken man, having just left the bar, went into the graveyard, where he heard a strange sound. Looking for the source of the mysterious sound, he discovered it was coming from Beethoven's grave. Alarmed, he called his friends, and found they could hear the sound too (even the sober ones).
Soon, a crowd was forming at the graveyard. The mayor, who was very familiar with classical music, recognized the sound as Beethoven's 9th Symphony played backwards. When it ended, Beethoven's 8th Symphony started playing, also backwards, and then the 7th, and then the 6th, and so forth. At dawn, having reached a conclusion, the mayor said to the gathering crowd:
"There's nothing to fear, gentlemen. He's just decomposing."
I'll have you know, I've been sober for just over 100 days.
Not like, in a row or anything...just in general.
A Irishman, Mick goes to the doctor complaining of stomach pain...
Doctor: "Well I cant find anything wrong with you , it must be the drinking"
Mick : "Ill come back when you're sober Doctor"
Whitney Houston is 3 Years sober!
Wow! Never thought it would happen
You can explore sober far reddit one liners, including funnies and gags. Read them and you will understand what jokes are funny? Those of you who have teens can tell them clean sober slurs dad jokes. There are also sober puns for kids, 5 year olds, boys and girls.
I'm pretty sober.
But I'm prettier drunk.
My Wife and I Were Sitting at a Table
At her high school reunion, when she kept staring at a drunken man swigging a beer as he sat at a nearby table.
I asked her "Do you know him?"
"Yes" she sighed. "He's my old boyfriend. I understand he took to drinking right after we split up those many years ago & he hasn't been sober since.
"WOW" I said. "Who would think a person could go on celebrating for so long?!?"
And that's when the fight started....
A depressed Storm Trooper goes to the bar for some jager shots.
He goes home sober.
DIVORCED & DRUNK
A man and his wife are at a restaurant, and the husband keeps staring at an old drunken lady swigging her gin at a nearby table.
His wife asks, "Do you know her?"
"Yes," sighs the husband. "She's my ex-wife. She took to drinking right after we divorced seven years ago, and I hear she hasn't been sober since."
"My God!" says the wife. "Who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?"
I was sober for 12 years...
And then i turned 13.
I've never actually been caught smoking weed.
But I'm pretty sure my parents know sober people don't give goodnight handshakes.
Captain's log...
The first mate on a ship got drunk one day, and the captain entered it into the log: "The first mate was drunk today."
The first mate begged the captain to remove the entry, but the captain was adamant that once an entry was in the book it could never be removed.
The next day it was the first mate's turn to make the log entry, and in it he wrote: "The captain was sober today."
Two drunks walk into a bar.
Then the sober guy behind them laughs and walks under it.
A man gets pulled over for drunk driving...
To test if he's really drunk, the police officer tells the man to recite the alphabet backwards.
The man does it perfectly.
Impressed, the police officer says, "Wow! I couldn't do that if I were sober!"
The man replies with "Me neither!"
How do you get a Russian to the legal alcohol limit?
Sober him up for a week or two.
A Driver gets Pulled Over
A man driving home from the bar gets pulled over by a police officer.
Officer: "Do you know why I pulled you over?"
Driver: "I'm guessing you think I was drunk driving."
Officer: "Tell you what, my shift is ending so if you can spell the alphabet backwards, I'll let you go."
Driver: (very quickly) "ZYXWVUTSRQPONMLKJIHGFEDCBA."
Officer: "Wow, I couldn't do that sober."
Driver: "Me neither."
AA meeting: "Hi I'm Chad and I've been sober for forty days"
"Not in a row or anything, just total."
I've been sober for 69 days
Not in a row or anything, just total.
I resent the idea that the Irish are all violent drunks.
We're perfectly capable of violence when sober, thank you very much.
I was sober for 10 years.
"What happened?"
"I turned 11."
Amy Winehouse has become a real inspiration for me
She's going on 6 years sober now.
Recently installed a shower bar.
Never been sober since.
The doctor says to the patient: 'I'm not sure what the problem is sir, but it's probably the alcohol.'
No problem doc, I'll come back when you're sober.
Doctor: "I am not exactly sure of the cause. I think it could be due to alcohol."
Doctor: "I am not exactly sure of the cause. I think it could be due to alcohol."
Patient: "That's ok. I will come back when you are sober."
"Hi I'm Eric and I'm an Alcoholic."
"Hi Eric. Welcome to the end of the year, support group! Tell us how long you've been sober for.'
"Maybe a month... 34 days...?"
"Great progress!"
"Oh, not in a row. Just the total for this whole year."
Always buy a bigger bottle than you need...
Better to be safe than sober.
My wife's high school reunion
My wife and I were sitting at a table at her high school
reunion, and she kept staring at a drunken man swigging his
drink as he sat alone at a nearby table.
I asked her, "Do you know him?"
"Yes", she sighed,
"He's my old boyfriend. I understand he took to drinking
right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear he
hasn't been sober since."
"My God!" I said, "Who would think a person could go on
celebrating that long?"
And then the fight started...
Reality Check
A man and his wife are dining at a table in a plush restaurant, and the husband keeps staring at a drunken lady swigging her gin as she sits alone at a nearby table.
Do you know her? the wife asks.
Yes, the husband says. She's my ex-wife. She took to drinking right after we divorced seven years ago, and I hear she hasn't been sober since.
My goodness! the wife says. Who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?
What do you call a Ghost without any Boo's?
SOBER!
Note: (am Dad) I told this joke to my kids at Olive Garden last night, and an old lady made sure to let me know how corny it was
An Irishman goes to a doctor
Doctor: I'm not completely sure what's bothering you Murphy but it might be because of heavy drinking.
Murphy: Oh don't worry doc, I'll just come back when you're sober
Congrats Mac Miller!
1 week sober!
My dad is 3 years sober today!
He also died 3 years ago...
Why did the coke addict take to bee keeping to get sober?
Finally found something that would give him a buzz
Yesterday was my Irish Uncle second anniversary being sober.
Yeah he's been in a coma for 2 years.
My wife and I were sitting at a table at my high school reunion, and I kept staring at a drunken lady swigging her drink as she sat alone at a nearby table.
My wife asked, "Do you know her?" "Yes," I sighed, "She's my old girlfriend. I understand she took to drinking right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear she hasn't been sober since." "My God!" says my wife, "Who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?"
*cop pulls me over*
COP: please blow into this, sir
ME: *plays trumpet perfectly*
COP: okay you're definitely sober and way cool
I'm 21 years sober!
I can finally start drinking.
Hey guys, my name's Chad. I've been sober for 47 days now.
Not in a row or anything. Just... total.
I'm happy to announce that I've been sober for 40 days!
Not in a row or anything. Just total.
A man and his wife are at a restaurant, and the husband keeps staring at a drunken lady swigging her gin at a nearby table. His wife asks, Do you know her?
Yes, sighs the husband. She's my ex-wife. She took to drinking right after we divorced seven years ago, and I hear she hasn't been sober since.
My God! says the wife. Who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?
After being 3 months sober from drinking, I bought myself a motivational poster to keep my spirits up.
"You miss 100% of the shots you don't take." -Wayne Gretzky
Why were the seven dwarves always sober?
Because no one would serve alcohol to miners...
I used to be sober
worst hour of my life
Here I am: 100 days sober
Not in a row or anything, just total.
I'm 34 years old and today I've been sober for 11 years!
Not in a row though.
In total.
A drug addict calls the police to report something interesting
The police officer, interested, asks. "What is it?"
The addict responds. "Okay, I-"
The officer interrupts, quickly making sure they're not on drugs "You're sober right now, right?"
"Yes, this happened when I was sober too."
All seems okay to this point. "Okay, go on."
"I saw an Italian plumber bump his head on a brick and grow three times his size!"
The officer pauses for a moment and mumbles to himself. "It's the mushrooms."
What do you call an Irishman who has had 15 beers?
A sober Irishman.
Today I celebrated my 365th day sober!!
And it only took me 14 years
I can't find a cause for your illness, the doctor told the patient, but I think it might be because of drinking.
In that case, replied the patient, I'll come back when you're sober.
Drink
A drunk is refused a drink in a bar, so he undertakes to prove to the barman that he is sober.
He gestures toward a cat near the doorway and says, "You see that cat coming in the door? It has two eyes. If I were drunk, I'd see four!"
The bartender looks, then pauses a moment. Finally he responds, "You're drunker than I thought!", taking the rest of the alcohol away, "That cat isn't coming in, it's going out!"
True story.
Two of my colleagues and I went to lunch with our manager and his manager who was visiting our office from out of town. We each ordered a beer with our meal and the manager's manager, who was a teetotaler unbeknownst to us, turned to our manager and asked if he knew we drank. Our Manager replied "I didn't know they drank until they showed up for work sober once".
I'm sober now, I've actually only ever tried cocaine once
... for about 12 years
Just think that there are jokes based on truth that can bring down governments, or jokes which make girl laugh. Many of the sober intersections jokes and puns are jokes supposed to be funny, but some can be offensive. When jokes go too far, are mean or racist, we try to silence them and it will be great if you give us feedback every time when a joke become bullying and inappropriate.
We suggest to use only working sober sobriety piadas for adults and blagues for friends. Some of the dirty witze and dark jokes are funny, but use them with caution in real life. Try to remember funny jokes you've never heard to tell your friends and will make you laugh.