Sobbing Jokes
66 sobbing jokes and hilarious sobbing puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about sobbing that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.
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Funniest Sobbing Short Jokes
Short sobbing jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The sobbing humour may include short crying jokes also.
- I saw a 4 year old girl crying, all alone "Are you ok?" I asked her. "Do you know where your mommy and daddy are?"
"No" she sobbed
I love doing volunteer work at the orphanage - What do you get when you put nutella on salmon? You get salmonella.
Hahahaha...pew pew pew...haha...*begins sobbing* - My sister suddenly started sobbing talking about her job prospects with a philosophy degree. I said, Are you having an existential cry, sis?
- My ex just called me, sobbing on the phone to tell me she has AIDS and I should get checked. The hardest part is acting surprised.
- Son: (Sobbing) "Dad, my teacher said I would never be the brightest star in the sky" Dad: "You're not Sirius?!"
- Why were the 5 gorgeous young blonde Danish fashion models sobbing their eyes out? I told them I wasn't going to give birth to them.
- "Someone's been sleeping in MY bed!" said Papa Bear. "Someone's been sleeping in MY bed!" said Mama Bear.
"Please stop fighting," sobbed Baby Bear. "It's Christmas." - My sister graduated from college over a year ago and is still unemployed... I found her sobbing on the couch so I asked, "having an existential cry, sis?"
- My dyslexic friend sobbed uncontrollably as he confessed that he kept spelling his own name backwards I really do feel for Bob.
- I woke at 6am to my girlfriend crying in a black dress I asked what was wrong, she replied between sobs, "I guess I'm just a mourning person"
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Sobbing One Liners
Which sobbing one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with sobbing? I can suggest the ones about weeping and screaming.
- What kind of ship never sinks? A dictatorship.
*sobs* - My staggered into my house, sat down, and started sobbing. (
- A depressed French baker sobs bitterly into the dough... His life is pain.
- My wife left me *sobs uncontrollably*
- How many cats does it take to ease the pain of a broken heart? *uncontrollable sobbing*
- I just lost my virginity!!!! April fools *s**...*
- Did you hear about the glory hole job opening? The s**... s**... but the tips are good.
- TIFU by crying at a f**... -- about my favorite team losing. sorry wrong s**...
- A man I knew has been having shortness of breath lately. It's a real s**... story :(
- Let me tell you my s**... story So one time I bought a Saab...
- X X: Nobody remembers me!! *s**...*
Y: Don't be silly, everyone remembers their X's.
Gather Around for Heartwarming Sobbing Jokes and Uplifting Humor
What funny jokes about sobbing you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean crying laughing jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make sobbing pranks.
I saw a bloke sobbing uncontrollably at a graveside earlier today. "Why did you have to die, why did you have to die?" he cried, over and over again. I said, "I'm sorry to intrude, but was it someone very close?"
"No not really," he said. "It was the wife's first husband!"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A drunkard is walking down the street...
...when a Nun, dressed in her habit, comes towards him from the other direction.
As the Nun is about to pass the drunkard, he steps back, and takes a massive swing at her head, knocking her to the ground.
Not quite done yet, the drunkard lays a couple of kicks into the Nun while she's on the floor, leaving her sobbing in the fetal position.
The drunkard, finally finished with his assault, looks down at her and says,
"Not so tough now, are you Batman!"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A woman was crying...
Guy: Why are you crying, miss?
Woman: *sobbing* I heard that people say I'm **ugly**.
Guy: Well, you know what they say, **real** beauty is not outside, but on the inside.
Woman: ...
Guy: So, what I suggest is that you stay inside and never go out.
A plane crashes in a city, and a crowd gathers to identify the dead
There is a man facing the crowd, holding up body parts for identification. He raises an arm, and a woman in the crowd starts sobbing. She calls out that this was her husbands arm, she recognized the watch she bought for their anniversary. The man at the front holds up a leg, and a man cries out that this was his wife's leg, he recognizes the shoe. The man holds up a head, and a polish woman calls out, "he looks like my husband, but he wasn't that tall"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A man goes to the beach...
...while he's walking down the shore he sees a 20-year old, blonde-haired girl sitting in the sand crying. Concerned, the man runs over to her. "What's wrong?" He asks.
"I'm twenty years old and I've never been hugged by someone other than family!" She starts sobbing.
Feeling bad, the man hugs her. "There, now you've been hugged." And walks on.
The next day the man walks on the beach again and sees another girl, this one with black hair, sitting in here chair bawling. "What's wrong?" He asks her.
"I'm 19 and I've never been kissed before!" She whines.
He gives her a small kiss on the lips. "There, now you've been kissed." And he walks on.
The third day of his vacation he sees a brunette, openly crying like the other two women. He sighs. "What's wrong?"
"I'm 18 and I've never been s**... before!"
He picks her up, looks her in the eyes, and tosses her out into the ocean, where sharks surround her.
"There. Now you're s**...."
It says......
Deep in the chambers of the monastery Father Seamus is transcribing scripture. As Father Ignatius walks by he sees Father Seamus sobbing uncontrollably. "Father Seamus! What ever could be troubling you so!!??!!" said Father Ignatius.
Father Seamus, wiping his tears, says: "It says CELEBRATE."
A good joke I heard a while back
A man walks in a church crying and says to the priest " I killed my sister and hid the body. My guilt is killing me what should I do?" The priest responded
"Drink some holy water"
A second guy comes in sobbing and says " I cheated on my wife and I can't tell her." The priest responded
"Go drink some holy water"
A third guy comes on laughing and the priest asks " Why are you laughing?" The man responded
" I peed in the holy water."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
The guys go to the f**... of their life-long pal...
After a long eulogy and some beautiful music, the guys are overcome with emotion. The first guy walks up to the casket of his buddy.
"I know it's just a small token, but for everything you've ever done for me, buddy, all the times you helped me out. This is the least I could do."
He tucks a $50 bill into his buddy's tuxedo pocket, and he staggers away sobbing.
The second man, inspired by the gesture, walks up and places his own $50 bill in his buddy's pocket. "For all the beers you bought me, that I never had a chance to pay you back for." And he staggers away sobbing.
The third man, a lawyer, not to be out-done, says, "I know it's just a small gesture, but for all the times you've been there for me when I needed you, here's a token of my gratitude."
And he writes a check for $150, and takes the two fifties in change.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A woman woke in the middle of the night to find her husband missing from their bed.
A woman woke in the middle of the night to find her husband missing from their bed.
In the stillness of the house, she could hear a muffled sound downstairs. She went downstairs and looked all around, finally finding her husband in the basement, crouched in the corner, facing the wall and sobbing.
" What ' s wrong with you?" she asked him.
"Remember when your father caught us having s**... when you were sixteen?" he replied. "And remember he said I had two choices: I could either marry you or spend the next twenty years in prison. "
Baffled, she said, "Yes, I remember. So what?" "I would have been a free man today."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A man goes to the doctor for his annual checkup
During the checkup, he learns he has some sort of rare disease, and has 12 hours to live. When he comes home to his wife, he tells her the news, and she starts sobbing. She then looks at him and says,"I'm going to give you a night you'll never forget." They go to their bedroom, and proceed to make passionate love. After they made love, the man says to his wife,"Let's do it again." The wife agrees only this time was even more passionate than before." After that the man says," It's getting late, but let's do it one more time." The wife says,"Easy for you to say. You don't have to work tomorrow."
The old man in his deathbed looks his wife in the eye:
"Honey, please be honest with me. I'm not long for this world, and something has really been eating at me for a while.
I've always found our 6th son a bit weird...different, if you may. He has a different father from the other ones, hasn't he?"
The wife, in tears and sobbing uncontrollably, asks for forgiveness and buries her face in her hands, while nodding.
The husband, curious:
"So, who's the father?"
The wife, very sincere, answers
"It's you..."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Attention!! A dark joke ahead
A Chinese man married an African woman and had a child. Two months later the child passed away.
At the f**... house, the African woman kept sobbing and saying: "I KNEW IT !!! I KNEW IT !!!"
A family member pulled her aside and asked:
"What did you know?" She replied: "That, Chinese products don't last long!!
I went to the world drinks fair last week.
I went to the World Drinks fair last week, and I got there a bit early.
The supervisor was dashing around everywhere trying to help get booths, tables and queue ropes set up, and I saw someone come up and say a few words to him. I watched this man break down in front of me. He crumpled to the floor and began sobbing uncontrollably. As a good citizen of the earth, I had to try to console him, so I went up and asked him if he was going to be okay. What did he reply?
[answer in comments]
*This is OC so I'm editing the delivery to try and make it roll off better, I'd appreciate feedback. This joke and a few less original ones are gonna get me a girlfriend this new years.*
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
3 men in a plane, one with a knife, one with a gun and one with a bomb.
The plane was about to c**... so the pilot says we need to shed weight fast, you all need to chuck your luggage out. They comply. The plane stabilises and they land safely.
The guy that chucked the knife out the plane returns home and sees his mother sobbing. When he asks why she said "some madman chucked a knife from a plane and killed your father when he went to the toilet ". He remains silent.
The man with the gun decided to shed the bullets instead of the precious gun so he shot all his bullets. When he returns home he too sees his mother and crying and when he asks why she replys "some madman shot out of a plane and killed your father when he went to the toilet" he too remains silent.
The man that chucked the bomb out of the plane returns home and sees his mother laughing uncontrollably. When he asks why she said "your dad whent to the toilet, f**... and blew up the house"
A woman wakes up one night
...to see that her husband isn't in bed for some reason. Curious, she gets up and walks out to the kitchen, where she sees him sobbing over the sink. "Honey, what's wrong?" She asks. Her husband turns to her and says,
"Do you remember that day twenty years ago when your father caught us in my car at that drive-in theater, and said that if I didn't marry you he'd put me in jail for twenty years?"
The wife, confused, says "Yes, but what does that have to do with anything?" to which the husband replies "I would have gotten out today."
Two Monks Are Copying Ancient Texts
One of the monks begins to wonder, what if the original texts had entirely different meanings because of other monks' mistakes in their translations over the years? They decide to go find some of the original texts and find out.
One of the monks ventures into the catacombs to find one of the texts. The other monk waits outside the entrance. He waits for about an hour and begins to wonder where the other monk is. He ventures in to find out.
He hears sobbing, and moves towards the sound. He sees the other monk sitting on the ground, crying, with a book opened in his lap. He asks him why he is crying, to which he replies,
"they meant to say *celebrate!*"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A man is in a plane c**... and washes up on a deserted island...
He's there for weeks, and is nearly losing hope. Finally one day, a box floats up onto the beach: RESCUE KIT. He's ecstatically excited, thinking he's finally free. But when he opens it up, all there is is a deck of cards. He breaks down sobbing, thinking "How ridiculous! What kind of rescue kit is this!?"
But later he gets bored. He deals out a game of solitaire on a rock and starts playing. Not even two minutes go by when a man is standing behind him. "Hey, put the red 8 on the black 9".
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A man is sobbing into his beer...
It being a slow night, the bartender asks him what's wrong and offers him some sympathy.
The man responds "My roommate says I should quit drinking, last night I came home and I blew chunks all over the living room."
"Harsh," the bartender replies, "But that's hardly a reason to quit drinking."
"No man, I blew chunks in the kitchen, I blew chunks on the stairs, I blew chunks in the bathroom, I blew chunks EVERYWHERE."
"I'd hate to agree with your roommate, seeing as how that means less business for me, but maybe he's got a point. That's an awful lot of v**... to have to mop up..."
"No, no, you don't understand," The man sobbed, "Chunks is my Dog."
BLONDE FLIGHT ATTENDANT
The flight crew all showed up on time, all except for one brand-new stewardess. They called the hotel and she answered the phone, sobbing. I can't get out of my room, she cried. What... Why not? There are only three doors in this room. One is the bathroom, one is the closet, and the other way has a sign hanging on it that says, 'Do Not Disturb'.
A man asks a boy dressed as a pirate, "where are your buccaneers?"
Sobbing, the boy reports that they are "on the sides of his bucking head".
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Stalin is into the fifth hour of his speech, when someone sneezes
***"Who sneezed!"***, he shouts.
No one answers.
***"First row, stand up"***... they obediently get on their feet.
***"Guards, shoot them"***... they're gunned down where they stood.
***"Now who sneezed?"*** ... still nothing.
***"Second row, on your feet ... guards, shoot them."***
***"Now who sneezed?"*** ... absolute silence.
***"Third row, stand up ... "***
A small backbencher gets up. He's uncontrollably sobbing.
*"I sneezed! I sneezed!!"*
Stalin stares at him and says, ***"Bless you, comrade."***
Do It Again!!!
After tucking their three-year-old child Sammy in for bed one night, his parents heard sobbing coming from his room. Rushing back in, they found him crying hysterically.
He managed to tell them that he had swallowed a penny and he was sure he was going to die.
No amount of talking was helping. His father, in an attempt to calm him down, palmed a penny from his pocket and pretended to pull it from Sammy's ear. Sammy was delighted.
In a flash, he snatched it from his father's hand, swallowed it, then cheerfully demanded, "Do it again, Daddy, do it again!!!"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A large white bear walked into a bar, laughed, made out with the hottest girl, broke down sobbing, and had s**... with a guy in the bathroom stall. A customer asked the bartender "Sheesh, what's his problem?"
"Bipolar"
Twice
A sweet young school teacher who had always been virtuous was invited to go for a ride in the country with the gym instructor, whom she admired.
Under a tree, on the bank of a quiet lake, she struggled with her conscience and with the gym instructor and finally gave in to the latter.
Sobbing uncontrollably, she asked her seducer, "How can I ever face my students again, knowing I have sinned twice?"
"Twice?" asked the young man, confused.
"Why, yes," said the sweet teacher, wiping a tear from her eye, "You're not too tired? Are you???
John Bolton and President Trump are meeting in the White House
Bolton reads off a report to Trump and says "Today, in the war on drugs we lost 2 Brazilian soldiers."
Donald breaks down crying, sobbing uncontrollably.
John Bolton cringes and says "There's no reason to be upset, this isn't a big deal."
Donald replies, "Wait, remind me... How many is a brazilian?"
A woman came into the police station sobbing. "A ghost has taken control of my husband" she cried.
The officer took her statement and conferred with his partner. He turned back to the woman and said confidently, "Dont worry about it, we deal with this kind of thing all the time, possession is 9/10ths of the law."
A groundskeeper was walking through a graveyard
A groundskeeper was walking through a graveyard when he heard someone sobbing. He turned down a row of headstones to see a man kneeling in front of a grave and wailing.
"How could you do this to me?! ?" He cried. "I can't eat, I can't sleep, every second is agony! Why didn't you say anything?!" he paused when he noticed he wasn't alone.
"I'm sorry for your loss." the groundskeeper said awkwardly. "You must miss your wife terribly."
"My wife?" The kneeling man said through his tears.
"This grave belongs to her first husband!"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A person sees an old man crying on a park bench...
Their heart breaks for the man and they walk up so see if he's ok.
"What's matter?"
"I have a beautiful wife," says the man.
"Um, ah ok, but"
"She's young and beautiful" the man repeats and continues sobbing.
"Ok, ok but why are you crying?"
"She cleans the house, cooks delicious dinners, we even had s**... ever other day"
"I'm sorry, I really don't understand why would things make you cry. Your wife sounds amazing"
"I can't remember where I live..."
Family members anxiously await news outside of the ICU
Dr Schrodinger :" there's good news and there's bad news."
"What do you mean by that?" Asks the wife.
Dr Schrodinger *takes a look inside* : " I'm afraid your husband is dead."
wife *sobbing* : "But then what's the good news?"
Dr Schrodinger: "What good news?"
A man was sobbing next to his ex-wife in the hospital who had just been hit by a bus..
He kept saying "It should have been me... it should have been me" over and over, with tears flowing out of his eyes.
The nurse tried to console him, telling him "Don't be too harsh on yourself. For all you know you couldn't have changed it, even had you been there"
To which he replied : "I guess you're right. After all, I don't even know how to drive a bus"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
I hope I never get this old.
An old man is sitting on a park bench sobbing when a young man approaches and asks "what's troubling you old timer?"
The old man says " I've got a beautiful wife at home, she's half my age & we have s**... all the time."
The young man says "that sounds great! What's the problem with that?"
The old man still sobbing says "I can't remember where I live!"
Just Kidding
A man gets a call from the hospital telling him his wife has been hurt in an accident. He rushes to the hospital and is met by her doctor.
The doctor says I'm sorry, she's in really bad shape . Husband starts to tear up and asks how bad is it doctor? The doctor tells him that she's a paraplegic and there's little hope of recovery. Husband sits down and starts sobbing. The doctor puts his hand on the husband's shoulder and starts to describe how the wife will have to be fed, bathed, diaper changed etc for the rest of her life.
The husband is inconsolable now, he can barely breathe at this point. Finally the doctor smiles and says Nah, I'm just kidding, she died
Man walks by the cemetery...
A fellow was strolling by the cemetery one day and glancing over the fence noticed a Gent down on his knees at a gravesite sobbing and pounding his fists on the stone and sobbing....."Why did you have to die?, why, oh why did you have to die?"
The sight of this fellow in such misery really had an effect on him, so he gently walked up to the man in the cemetery, putting his arm around his shoulders, he said, "It pains me so to see a fellow human in such a state of misery, I am so sorry for your loss." "Was it your wife?", he asked.....
"No", the poor soul responded, " It was her first husband."
Billy's parents were about to leave for a business trip
They told Billy he would be staying at his grandma's house for the week and they dropped him off on their way to the airport. Once his parents' car had left the driveway, Billy started sobbing intensely.
His grandma asked Billy, what's wrong? Are you homesick?
Billy replied No. I'm heresick.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A man was at a f**... because his entire family was killed in a fire
At the f**... all his cousins and friends were sobbing and crying, but when someone noticed he wasnt even showing emotion they went up and asked "Dont you even care that your family is dead?!"
"I do, I'm just not a mourning person"
A crying jewish man goes to the synagogue
He stumbles to the floor and just lies there, sobbing and crying.
Suddenly he hears a voice from above: "What's wrong my child?".
"Oh", cries the man, "it is horrible. My son got baptized."
"Happened to me too", says the voice. "In the end I had to write a New Testament".
PS: Translation of a German joke, I hope it still works in English.
Finding a woman sobbing because she had locked her keys in the car, a passing soldier assures her that he can help.
She watches amazed as he takes off his trousers, rolls them into a tight ball and rubs them against the car door. Magically it opens.
"That's so clever!" the woman exclaims. "How did you do that?"
"Easy," replied the soldier, "These are my khakis."
Doctor: I'm terribly sorry, but your kidneys are failing.
Me: I can't believe this is happening.
Wife (sobbing): How will we tell our son?
Me: ... I'll tell him.
[Later at home, sitting down with son]
Me: Bad news kid, your knees are failing.
A couple sees a man sobbing on his knees at a cemetery.
The man is yelling out "why did you have to die?", "I cannot live like this!"
The couple come over to console him, and notice the tombstone is of someone of similar age as the distraught man.
"Sir, who was this?" Asks the woman, "was it your brother? Your friend?"
The man looks up at them "my wife used to be married to him until he passed away".
Continues crying out: "Please come back, I cannot take her any longer!"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A woman wakes up on the morning of her wedding anniversary and her husband wasn't there.
It was 2.00am and she was concerned. She searched the house until finally she found him in the basement sobbing uncontrollably.
She tried to comfort him and asked, "honey, what's the matter? "
Between sobs he answers, "Do you remember when your dad the cop caught us, underage, making out in your room?
And he threatened that if I didnt marry you immediately he would make sure I got 20 years in jail?"
"Yeah, I remember," she answered.
He sobbed, "I would have gotten out of jail today...."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A group of friends are hiking in the mountains, when they spot a bear running towards them...
They frantically drop everything then start running from the bear. But the bear soon catches up to the slowest friend and mauls him.
The horrified friends watch in horror as the bear feasts on their deceased mate.
Then one of them breaks into tears sobbing:
"I feel so guilty!"
"It could've been any of us, my friend. You should not feel any shame or guilt!"
"You mean... You guys would've tripped him too?"
A man breaks into a wealthy persons house
He hears a sobbing noise coming from around the corner so he goes to check what it is. He peeks around the corner to see a body guard sobbing saying "I C c can't believe boss forgot my birthday, I thought he was m my f f friend uhoo hoo" so he turns around and goes the opposite direction desperate to escape with something. He spots a door at the end of the hallway that appears to have been left unlocked he opens to find the houses owner. He says "YOU!! How did you get past my security" the robber says "you let your guard down"
A little boy never saw his buttocks.
The boy never saw his buttocks all these years. One day at school he did not complete his homework so got a spanking from the teacher on the bottoms. Sobbing he rushed home and to look at the damage turned towards a mirror and shouted..
"Oh my God she split it in half. "
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Gave my blonde girlfriend 4 pregnancy tests today.
She rang me back sobbing, o**...! How am I going to look after 4 kids?
A man woke up sobbing
"The world is a cruel uncaring void!" he cried. "Pleasure is fleeting but pain is eternal! Hope is a mirage! What cruel God made this reality!?"
Next to him, his wife stirred.
"Oh honey...is it Monday already...?"
Walking through Paris, I noticed a young man sitting on a bench sobbing. I sat down beside him and softly said, "le monde". He raised his head, looked me in the eyes and said,
"That means the world to me."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Wife and chair
(In a courtroom, a judge is hearing a case of domestic a**...)
Judge: Mrs. Smith, why did you hit your husband with a chair?
Wife: (sobbing) I tried not to … but I couldn't lift a table.
