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Sobbing Jokes

66 sobbing jokes and hilarious sobbing puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about sobbing that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.

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Funniest Sobbing Short Jokes

Short sobbing jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The sobbing humour may include short sobbed jokes also.

  1. I saw a 4 year old girl crying, all alone "Are you ok?" I asked her. "Do you know where your mommy and daddy are?"
    "No" she sobbed
    I love doing volunteer work at the orphanage
  2. What do you get when you put nutella on salmon? You get salmonella.
    Hahahaha...pew pew pew...haha...*begins sobbing*
  3. My sister suddenly started sobbing talking about her job prospects with a philosophy degree. I said, Are you having an existential cry, sis?
  4. My ex just called me, sobbing on the phone to tell me she has AIDS and I should get checked. The hardest part is acting surprised.
  5. Son: (Sobbing) "Dad, my teacher said I would never be the brightest star in the sky" Dad: "You're not Sirius?!"
  6. Why were the 5 gorgeous young blonde Danish fashion models sobbing their eyes out? I told them I wasn't going to give birth to them.
  7. "Someone's been sleeping in MY bed!" said Papa Bear. "Someone's been sleeping in MY bed!" said Mama Bear.
    "Please stop fighting," sobbed Baby Bear. "It's Christmas."
  8. Me: [uncontrollable sobbing] I can't see you anymore. I won't let you hurt me again. Trainer: It was a sit-up. You did one sit-up.
  9. My sister graduated from college over a year ago and is still unemployed... I found her sobbing on the couch so I asked, "having an existential cry, sis?"
  10. I saw my sister sobbing in her room, worried that her Philosophy degree might be worthless in today's job market. I said, Are you having an existential cry, sis?

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Sobbing One Liners

Which sobbing one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with sobbing? I can suggest the ones about crying and weeping.

  1. What kind of ship never sinks? A dictatorship.
    *sobs*
  2. My staggered into my house, sat down, and started sobbing. (
  3. A depressed French baker sobs bitterly into the dough... His life is pain.
  4. My wife left me *sobs uncontrollably*
  5. How many cats does it take to ease the pain of a broken heart? *uncontrollable sobbing*
  6. I just lost my virginity!!!! April fools *s**...*
  7. Did you hear about the glory hole job opening? The s**... s**... but the tips are good.
  8. TIFU by crying at a f**... -- about my favorite team losing. sorry wrong s**...
  9. A man I knew has been having shortness of breath lately. It's a real s**... story :(
  10. Let me tell you my s**... story So one time I bought a Saab...
  11. X X: Nobody remembers me!! *s**...*
    Y: Don't be silly, everyone remembers their X's.

Sobbing joke, X

Gather Around for Heartwarming Sobbing Jokes and Uplifting Humor

What funny jokes about sobbing you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean screaming jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make sobbing pranks.

I saw a bloke sobbing uncontrollably at a graveside earlier today. "Why did you have to die, why did you have to die?" he cried, over and over again. I said, "I'm sorry to intrude, but was it someone very close?"

"No not really," he said. "It was the wife's first husband!"

A woman was crying...

Guy: Why are you crying, miss?
Woman: *sobbing* I heard that people say I'm **ugly**.
Guy: Well, you know what they say, **real** beauty is not outside, but on the inside.
Woman: ...
Guy: So, what I suggest is that you stay inside and never go out.

How many women with p**... does it take to change a...

just SHUT UP, OKAY! SHUT UP, (sobbing) SHUT UP, SHUT UP!

It says......

Deep in the chambers of the monastery Father Seamus is transcribing scripture. As Father Ignatius walks by he sees Father Seamus sobbing uncontrollably. "Father Seamus! What ever could be troubling you so!!??!!" said Father Ignatius.
Father Seamus, wiping his tears, says: "It says CELEBRATE."

A good joke I heard a while back

A man walks in a church crying and says to the priest " I killed my sister and hid the body. My guilt is killing me what should I do?" The priest responded
"Drink some holy water"
A second guy comes in sobbing and says " I cheated on my wife and I can't tell her." The priest responded
"Go drink some holy water"
A third guy comes on laughing and the priest asks " Why are you laughing?" The man responded
" I peed in the holy water."

My Favorite Stalin Joke

Stalin reads his report to the Party Congress. Suddenly someone sneezes. "Who sneezed?" Silence. "First row! On your feet! Shoot them!" They are shot, and he asks again, "Who sneezed, Comrades?" No answer. "Second row! On your feet! Shoot them!" They are shot too. "Well, who sneezed?" At last a sobbing cry resounds in the Congress Hall, "It was me! Me!" Stalin says,
"Bless you, Comrade!"

The guys go to the f**... of their life-long pal...

After a long eulogy and some beautiful music, the guys are overcome with emotion. The first guy walks up to the casket of his buddy.
"I know it's just a small token, but for everything you've ever done for me, buddy, all the times you helped me out. This is the least I could do."
He tucks a $50 bill into his buddy's tuxedo pocket, and he staggers away sobbing.
The second man, inspired by the gesture, walks up and places his own $50 bill in his buddy's pocket. "For all the beers you bought me, that I never had a chance to pay you back for." And he staggers away sobbing.
The third man, a lawyer, not to be out-done, says, "I know it's just a small gesture, but for all the times you've been there for me when I needed you, here's a token of my gratitude."
And he writes a check for $150, and takes the two fifties in change.

Attention!! A dark joke ahead

A Chinese man married an African woman and had a child. Two months later the child passed away.
At the f**... house, the African woman kept sobbing and saying: "I KNEW IT !!! I KNEW IT !!!"
A family member pulled her aside and asked:
"What did you know?" She replied: "That, Chinese products don't last long!!

Why is your cat at school?

Jimmy walks in his classroom with his cat. Then the teacher asked Jimmy, "Why is your cat at school today Jimmy?" Jimmy sobbing replied, "Because I heard my daddy tell my mommy, 'I am going to eat that p*ssy once Jimmy leaves for school today!'"
*love

A man is sobbing into his beer...

It being a slow night, the bartender asks him what's wrong and offers him some sympathy.
The man responds "My roommate says I should quit drinking, last night I came home and I blew chunks all over the living room."
"Harsh," the bartender replies, "But that's hardly a reason to quit drinking."
"No man, I blew chunks in the kitchen, I blew chunks on the stairs, I blew chunks in the bathroom, I blew chunks EVERYWHERE."
"I'd hate to agree with your roommate, seeing as how that means less business for me, but maybe he's got a point. That's an awful lot of v**... to have to mop up..."
"No, no, you don't understand," The man sobbed, "Chunks is my Dog."

Three women went to see the OB/GYN

The Brunette came out and said, "We had s**... in the m**..., and we're going to have a boy!"
The Redhead came out and said, "We had s**... in the c**... position, and we're having a girl!"
The Blonde started sobbing as she stood to go in. Between sobs, she said, "Oh no! We're having puppies!"

BLONDE FLIGHT ATTENDANT

The flight crew all showed up on time, all except for one brand-new stewardess. They called the hotel and she answered the phone, sobbing. I can't get out of my room, she cried. What... Why not? There are only three doors in this room. One is the bathroom, one is the closet, and the other way has a sign hanging on it that says, 'Do Not Disturb'.

A man asks a boy dressed as a pirate, "where are your buccaneers?"

Sobbing, the boy reports that they are "on the sides of his bucking head".

A blonde walks in on her husband cheating on her

Sobbing uncontrollably, she pulls out the gun from the drawer and puts the barrel under her chin.
"No, honey! Don't! I'm sorry; don't leave me alone with the kids!"
Glaring through her tears, the blonde yells:
"Oh, don't worry. You're going to be next."

A large white bear walked into a bar, laughed, made out with the hottest girl, broke down sobbing, and had s**... with a guy in the bathroom stall. A customer asked the bartender "Sheesh, what's his problem?"

"Bipolar"

John Bolton and President Trump are meeting in the White House

Bolton reads off a report to Trump and says "Today, in the war on drugs we lost 2 Brazilian soldiers."
Donald breaks down crying, sobbing uncontrollably.
John Bolton cringes and says "There's no reason to be upset, this isn't a big deal."
Donald replies, "Wait, remind me... How many is a brazilian?"

A woman came into the police station sobbing. "A ghost has taken control of my husband" she cried.

The officer took her statement and conferred with his partner. He turned back to the woman and said confidently, "Dont worry about it, we deal with this kind of thing all the time, possession is 9/10ths of the law."

Family members anxiously await news outside of the ICU

Dr Schrodinger :" there's good news and there's bad news."
"What do you mean by that?" Asks the wife.
Dr Schrodinger *takes a look inside* : " I'm afraid your husband is dead."
wife *sobbing* : "But then what's the good news?"
Dr Schrodinger: "What good news?"

A man was sobbing next to his ex-wife in the hospital who had just been hit by a bus..

He kept saying "It should have been me... it should have been me" over and over, with tears flowing out of his eyes.
The nurse tried to console him, telling him "Don't be too harsh on yourself. For all you know you couldn't have changed it, even had you been there"
To which he replied : "I guess you're right. After all, I don't even know how to drive a bus"

A thief walked into a married couple's home mid-afternoon...

He t**... the woman and at knife point asked the man to hand over the jewellery and money.
The man started sobbing and said, Brother, please take anything that you want, but please, untie her and set her free!
The thief responded, You must really love your wife!
Man: No! That's my neighbours wife! Mine will be arriving shortly!!

An Husband's Final Request

At the end of Sunday Mass, a Priest notices an elderly woman sobbing in a pew. Worried about her, he approaches and asks,
"Is everything okay, my child?"
"Oh Father, not entirely. My husband passed away last night."
The Priest sits beside her and takes her hand. "That's terrible news. Did he have any last requests?"
"He did, Father. Just one."
"Oh? What was it?"
"He asked me, 'Mary, please put down that gun.'"

A jewel thief entered a house mid-afternoon. He t**... the woman and at knife-point asked the man to hand over the jewelry and money. The man started sobbing and said, You can take anything you want. You can even p**... whip me, but please untie the rope and free her.

Thief: You must really love your wife!
Man: No, but she will be home shortly .

At the gym

Me: (sobbing my heart out, eyes swollen, nose red)...I can't see you anymore...I am not going to let you hurt me like this again!

Trainer: It was a sit up. You did one sit up.

I hope I never get this old.

An old man is sitting on a park bench sobbing when a young man approaches and asks "what's troubling you old timer?"
The old man says " I've got a beautiful wife at home, she's half my age & we have s**... all the time."
The young man says "that sounds great! What's the problem with that?"
The old man still sobbing says "I can't remember where I live!"

A thief entered a house one mid-afternoon to find...

a couple in the middle of l**.... He t**... the woman and at gun-point asked the man to handover all their money and jewellery. The man started sobbing and said, "Brother, take anything you want. But please, untie the rope and let her go." The thief replied, "You must really love your wife, having no regard for your own safety." The man said, "No, she's my neighbour's wife. Mine will be back shortly!"

A woman was sobbing on the side of the street because she had accidentally locked her keys in her car,

a passing soldier saw this and assured her that he can help.
She looks on amazed as he removes his trousers, rolls them into a tight ball and rubs them against the car door.
Magically it opens....... "That's so clever," the woman gasps. "How did you do it?"
"Easy," replies the soldier. "These are my khakis."

Billy's parents were about to leave for a business trip

They told Billy he would be staying at his grandma's house for the week and they dropped him off on their way to the airport. Once his parents' car had left the driveway, Billy started sobbing intensely.
His grandma asked Billy, what's wrong? Are you homesick?
Billy replied No. I'm heresick.

A man was at a f**... because his entire family was killed in a fire

At the f**... all his cousins and friends were sobbing and crying, but when someone noticed he wasnt even showing emotion they went up and asked "Dont you even care that your family is dead?!"
"I do, I'm just not a mourning person"

A crying jewish man goes to the synagogue

He stumbles to the floor and just lies there, sobbing and crying.
Suddenly he hears a voice from above: "What's wrong my child?".
"Oh", cries the man, "it is horrible. My son got baptized."
"Happened to me too", says the voice. "In the end I had to write a New Testament".
PS: Translation of a German joke, I hope it still works in English.

Finding a woman sobbing because she had locked her keys in the car, a passing soldier assures her that he can help.

She watches amazed as he takes off his trousers, rolls them into a tight ball and rubs them against the car door. Magically it opens.
"That's so clever!" the woman exclaims. "How did you do that?"
"Easy," replied the soldier, "These are my khakis."

Doctor: I'm terribly sorry, but your kidneys are failing.

Me: I can't believe this is happening.
Wife (sobbing): How will we tell our son?
Me: ... I'll tell him.
[Later at home, sitting down with son]
Me: Bad news kid, your knees are failing.

A man walks into a f**... and asks the widow if he can say a word.

The widow, sobbing in grief, agrees.
The man says "Plethora"
The Widow says "Thanks, that means a lot"

A couple sees a man sobbing on his knees at a cemetery.

The man is yelling out "why did you have to die?", "I cannot live like this!"
The couple come over to console him, and notice the tombstone is of someone of similar age as the distraught man.
"Sir, who was this?" Asks the woman, "was it your brother? Your friend?"
The man looks up at them "my wife used to be married to him until he passed away".
Continues crying out: "Please come back, I cannot take her any longer!"

A woman is hugely upset and sobbing because she has locked her keys inside her car.

A passing soldier stops and assures her he can help, she looks on amazed as he removes his trousers, rolls them into a tight ball and rubs them against the car door.
Magically it opens! Amazed she asks him how he did it, "Easy" he says,
"These are my khakis"

The Blond Secretary

One day the boss walks in and see's his blonde secretary sobbing on the phone He asked " What's wrong" she replied " My mother just died" he says " maybe you should take the day off" But she stayed at work a couple hours later he walks out and see's his secretary is balling again and he says " what's the matter now?" She says " I just found out my sisters mother died too!!"

A woman wakes up on the morning of her wedding anniversary and her husband wasn't there.

It was 2.00am and she was concerned. She searched the house until finally she found him in the basement sobbing uncontrollably.
She tried to comfort him and asked, "honey, what's the matter? "
Between sobs he answers, "Do you remember when your dad the cop caught us, underage, making out in your room?
And he threatened that if I didnt marry you immediately he would make sure I got 20 years in jail?"
"Yeah, I remember," she answered.
He sobbed, "I would have gotten out of jail today...."

A group of friends are hiking in the mountains, when they spot a bear running towards them...

They frantically drop everything then start running from the bear. But the bear soon catches up to the slowest friend and mauls him.
The horrified friends watch in horror as the bear feasts on their deceased mate.
Then one of them breaks into tears sobbing:
"I feel so guilty!"
"It could've been any of us, my friend. You should not feel any shame or guilt!"
"You mean... You guys would've tripped him too?"

A blonde, a brunette and a red head were in a doctors office and they were all pregnant..

The brunette says, " I know I'm having a boy because I was on the bottom."
The redhead says "Then I must be having a girl because I was on the top!"
The blonde starts sobbing uncontrollably and the two other girls start comforting her asking what's wrong...
The blonde looks at them through her teary eyes and exclaims "I'm having puppies!!"

A man breaks into a wealthy persons house

He hears a sobbing noise coming from around the corner so he goes to check what it is. He peeks around the corner to see a body guard sobbing saying "I C c can't believe boss forgot my birthday, I thought he was m my f f friend uhoo hoo" so he turns around and goes the opposite direction desperate to escape with something. He spots a door at the end of the hallway that appears to have been left unlocked he opens to find the houses owner. He says "YOU!! How did you get past my security" the robber says "you let your guard down"

Two Brazilian men die in a skydiving accident.

A woman is watching the news with her husband when the newscaster says Two Brazilian men die in a skydiving accident.

The woman starts crying to her husband, sobbing That's horrible!!! So many men dying that way!
Confused, he says, Yes dear, it is sad, but they were skydiving, and there is always that risk involved.

After a few minutes, the woman, still sobbing, asks, How many is a Brazilian?

An 8 years old went to the office with her dad

An 8 years old went to the office with her dad for "take your child to work" day.
As they were walking around the office, the young girl starts sobbing and crying.
All staff gather around to cheer her and her father asked "love, what's wrong?"
The girl turns to her father sobbing more and says"daddy where are all the clowns you said you were working with?"

A little boy never saw his buttocks.

The boy never saw his buttocks all these years. One day at school he did not complete his homework so got a spanking from the teacher on the bottoms. Sobbing he rushed home and to look at the damage turned towards a mirror and shouted..
"Oh my God she split it in half. "

Gave my blonde girlfriend 4 pregnancy tests today.

She rang me back sobbing, o**...! How am I going to look after 4 kids?

A man woke up sobbing

"The world is a cruel uncaring void!" he cried. "Pleasure is fleeting but pain is eternal! Hope is a mirage! What cruel God made this reality!?"
Next to him, his wife stirred.
"Oh honey...is it Monday already...?"

Walking through Paris, I noticed a young man sitting on a bench sobbing. I sat down beside him and softly said, "le monde". He raised his head, looked me in the eyes and said,

"That means the world to me."

Wife and chair

(In a courtroom, a judge is hearing a case of domestic a**...)
Judge: Mrs. Smith, why did you hit your husband with a chair?
Wife: (sobbing) I tried not to … but I couldn't lift a table.

Sobbing joke, Wife and chair

jokes about sobbing