Soap Jokes

Humoristic puns and funny pick up lines

I used to be addicted to soap....

I'm clean now.

Thieves had broken into my house and stolen everything except my soap, shower gel, towels and deodorant.

Those dirty bastards.

What's the difference between a woman in church and a woman in a bathtub??

Well, the woman in church has hope in her soul, but the woman in tub has soap in her hole...

My wife told me to kiss her like if we were in a soap opera

I hugged her tight, kissed her with passion and then slapped her because how dare she?!

Thieves broke into my house and stole everything except my soap.

Dirty bastards.

A bunch of thieves broke into my house and stole everything except my soap, shower gel, towels, toothbrush and deodorant.

Dirty bastards

Man sentenced to five years for masturbating with soap in public.

Came clean in court.

What is the best thing about liquid soap?

It takes longer to pick up.

Help! I've been robbed!

They stole everything except my deodorant, shampoo and hand soap.

Dirty bastards

Let's hear some Confucius Jokes

I'll start

Confucius says woman that keeps soap on top shelf will jump for joy.

What's the difference between a Nun in Church and a Nun in the bath

One has Hope in her Soul the other has Soap in her Hole.

What's the difference between a girl that's praying and a girl that's having a bubble bath?

One has hope in her soul,
The other has soap in her hole.

Why does the U.S. Navy use powdered soap?

It takes longer to pick up.

I used to be addicted to having sex with bars of soap.

But then I came clean.

If Dr. Seuss were a convict (poem)

What's this in my hand?
Behind your back?
It's soap on a a rope!
Whack whack whack!

What's this in my sock?
Tick tock, knock knock.
A large steel lock!
Chock chock chock!

What's this in my breeches?
I heard that you blab..
Snitches get stitches!
Stab stab stab!!

There was a deaf mute

who said so many dirty words that his mother had to wash his hands with soap.

I hope I don't go to prison after what I did today.

When I was in the shower I dropped the soap like ten times.

If you ever find yourself in prison, don't drop the soap.

It's full of criminals and you may not get it back.

Why dose the navy use liquid soap?

Because it takes longer to pick up.

I used to be addicted to soap

I've been clean for 5 months now

What do you do with an epileptic child having a seizure in your bathtub?

Add your dirty clothes and soap.

A woman is going through the checkout line the night before Valentine's day

A woman is going through the checkout line the night before Valentine's day. She is placing her items on the belt: a TV dinner, a soap opera digest, 3 bottles of wine, and 3 chocolate bars.

The clerk looks and her and says "I hate Valentines Day...what about you, you must be single right?"

"Yeah" she responds, "how did you know? Was it the stuff I'm buying?"




"Nah, you're ugly"

I just wanted a beer but I woke up at the hospital

I was at the sofa watching TV with my wife. Then I asked her if she could bring me a beer, and she said no because she didn't want to miss that part of the soap opera. Her phone was recharging at the kitchen, and it starts ringing. She got up really fast and ran to the kitchen. "Hello", she said. "Since you're in the kitchen, could you bring me a beer?", I asked on the phone. I don't know if it was my golf club or my son's baseball bat, but everything after that is a blank on my mind.

How to tell if women is single

A woman walks into a store and purchases 1 small box of detergent, 1 bar of soap, 3 individual servings of yogurt and 2 oranges. The cashier says, You must be single. She responds, You can tell that by what I bought? The cashier says, No, you're ugly.

Why do sailors use liquid soap?

It takes longer to pick up when they drop it.

Two kangaroos are in the bathtub. cuz why not

One kangaroo says, "Pass the soap."
The other kangaroo says, "No soap...radio!"

A group of thieves stole everything except for my soap.

Dirty bastards...

So a priest is taking a bath late at night

So a priest is taking a bath late at night when he remembered that he forgot his soap in his room, he figured it's late and no one will be up so he rushed to his room without a towel around his waist, he got the soap but on his way back he heard two nuns walking by so he stands by the wall like a statue. The two nuns walk up to him and one of them says to the other "Look, it's that soap dispenser they said they were gonna bring" and she pulls his dong, he quickly drops his soap. The second nun says "Oh, cool! I want to that too" and she pulls his thing and nothing happens so she tries a few more times then she turns to the first nun and says "Oh! I got liquid soap!".

Last night thieves broke into my house and stole everything except my soap, shower gel, shampoo, and deodorant.

Filthy bastards.

How do you make tear-free soap?

Don't use child labor.

Someone asked me if I'm a gentleman.

Yes, yes I am. Holding doors open for people for example. Or when my wife gets home late, I light up some candles, letting some warm water run, add some soap, so she can start doing the dishes as soon as she gets home.

I used to be addicted to soap,

But now I am clean

You hear about the guy who was accused of jerking off with hand soap for his erectile disfunction?

Well, he finally came clean.

I use to know someone who was addicted to soap.

He's clean now

I used to be addicted to soap

But im clean now

Someone broke into my house last night.

They stole everything except my towels, soap, deodorant, and shampoo!

Dirty Bastards

I went on a tour of a soap factory last week.

I forgot which one it was, but I'm sure it will Dawn on me.

the soap dispensing priest

Two priests are off to the showers late one night. They undress and step into the showers before they realize there is no soap.

Father John says he has soap in his room and goes to get it , not bothering to dress. He grabs two bars of soap, one in each hand, and heads back to the showers. He is halfway down the hall when he sees three nuns heading his way.

Having no place to hide , he stands against the wall and freezes like he's a statue. The nuns stop and comment on how life-like he looks.

The first nun suddenly reaches out and pulls on his manhood. Startled , he drops a bar of soap. "Oh look" says the first nun , "it's a soap dispenser". To test her theory the second nun also pulls on his manhood. Sure enough , he drops the second bar of soap. Now the third nun decides to have a go. She pulls once, then twice and three times but nothing happens. So she gives several more tugs , then yells..."Holy Mary , Mother of God , HAND LOTION TOO!"

I'll try to explain the concept of lubricated soap....

...but its quite difficult to grasp.

They arrested the overweight soap maker

Apparently he was a big fat lyer.

#2857: Two priests are in a shower.

They undress and step into the showers before they realize there is no soap.

Father John says he has soap in his room and goes to get it, not bothering to dress.

He grabs two bars of soap, one in each hand, while he is halfway down the hall when he sees three newly inducted nuns from other city heading his way.

Having no place to hide, he stands against the wall and freezes like he's a statue.

The nuns stop and comment on how life-like he looks.

The first nun suddenly reaches out and pulls on his manhood.

Startled, he drops a bar of soap.

"Oh look" says the first nun, "it's a soap dispenser".

To test her theory the second nun also pulls on his manhood. Sure enough, he drops the second bar of soap.

Now the third nun decides to have a go. She pulls once, then twice, and three times but nothing happens.

So she gives several more tugs, then yells:

"Holy Mary, Mother of God! LIQUID SOAP TOO!"

I made a rap song all about soap.

It's fine, the lyrics are clean.

Singing in the shower is all fun and games

Until you get soap in your mouth, then it just becomes a soap opera

Why aren't the people eating laundry soap injecting it instead?

Seems like it'd be a little Tidier

There is a reason why I store the soap away when I sing in the shower

Otherwise it would be a soap opera

What's the difference between a nun praying in a church, and a nun in the bath?

The nun in the church has hope in her soul, the nun in the bath has soap in her hole

Two elephants are sitting in a hot tub...

One turns to the other one and asks Do you have any soap?

The second elephant replies with, no soap, radio.

Two polar bears are sitting in a bathtub.

One of the bears says:

"Can you pass the soap?"

The other bear says:

"No soap, radio."

One hundred bacteria walk into a bar...

of soap and get eradicated. There is only one survivor.

A man eating in a restaurant calls the waiter over.

The man tells the waiter, this restaurant must have a very clean kitchen!
Thank you sir, how did you know?
Everything tastes like soap.

Marriage is like a bar of soap...

It smells delicious until you take a bite out of it

I used to be addicted to soap, but I'm clean now... (more)

I used to be addicted to the hokey pokey, but I turned myself around.

My friends say I drink too much brake fluid, but I can stop whenever I want.

I'm hooked on deli sandwiches, but I've decided I'm going to quit cold turkey.

My girlfriend used to be a nun, but she dropped the habit.

Anyone have any more one-liners along these lines?

Thieves came into my house and stole everything except my soap shampoo and deodorant...

Dirty Bastards

Why do prisoners prefer liquid soap?

Takes longer to pick up

I almost dropped the soap bar in the shower

Good thing my uncle was there too to catch it

A soapbox orator addresses a crowd on the glories of communism

Come the revolution, everyone will eat strawberries and cream! A man at the front whimpers, But I don't like strawberries and cream. The speaker thunders, Come the revolution, you will like strawberries and cream!

Hippie jokes

Q: How can you tell a hippie has been at your house?

A: He's still there.

Q: What did he say when you told him to leave?

A: Namaste.
___________________
Q: What's the difference between a hippie chick and a joint?

A: The joint won't make it all the way around the circle.
______________________
Q: How do you starve a hippie?

A: Hide his drug money under the soap.
_______________________
Q: What did the Deadhead say when he ran out of weed?

A: Man, this music sucks!
_______________________
Q: What do hippie chicks and hockey players have in common?

A: They both shower and change pads after 3 periods.
______________________
So this guy got his dog really high. He tells the dog "Play dead." And the dog says, "Nah man, play Floyd!"
_____________________

Please add more if you think of them, most of my friends are "hippies" and these jokes freakin crack me up.

I love pampering my girl

I love to pamper my girl after she has had a stressful day all day at work..
So when she texts me saying shes on the way home, I get the hot water
running mix in a little soap and swirl around the bubbles and time everything
just perfectly so as soon as she walks through the door...
The dishes are all piled up and ready for her...

You know the difference between a woman attending Sunday morning mass and a woman taking a Friday night bath?

One has hope in her soul; the other has soap in her hole.

I went to the doctor for a rash...

Doctor: What toiletries are you using?

Me: Steven's soap, Steven's shampoo, Steven's toothpaste and Steven's toothbrush.

Doctor: Huh, so is Steven's a foreign brand?

Me: No, Steven is my roommate.

My wife uses an entire bottle of dish soap when she washes the dishes every night.

Another day, another Dawn

Did you hear about the bandit that stole a truck of soap?

Police say he made a clean getaway.

My friend said he doesn't believe that soap works.

He said it was all a lye.

What does an actor sing in the shower?

Soap opera

Why should you never trust soap?

It's an emulsive lyer.

What did the soap say to the hands as they were being washed?

"I think we're in sink."

Did you hear about the guy that was accused of using his boss's hand soap as lube for masturbating?

He came clean.

Why did the prisoners switch to liquid soap in the shower?

Because it's harder to pick up.

Why did the meteorologist bring a bar of soap to work?

He was expecting showers.

What are two places you never want to drop the soap?

Penn State or the State Pen.

Did you hear about the guy on the news that's addicted to soap?

He's clean now.

Where's the safest place to hide your money?

Under the soap of a Frenchman.

Artificial Intelligence

An Annapolis computer science major was given an artificial intelligence assignment for one of his classes. He ended up creating a program where you could have a conversation with your computer based on your IQ level.

To test his program he entered 80 and had a conversation with his Soap Operas. He entered 100 and talked about politics. He entered 150 and talked about nuclear physics.

Just to see what would happen he entered a -50 and the computer bumped and belched and sparked and smoked for a good 10 minutes. When it finally settled down it displayed "On Brave Old Army Team....."

I finally figured out where all my weight is coming from!

My shampoo, which runs down my body as I rinse my hair, advertises greater volume and body. Think I'll start washing my hair with dish washing soap; it says it dissolves fat that is otherwise difficult to remove.

It's okay to drop the soap in prison..

.. your fellow inmates got your back.

I used to be addicted to soap...

i am clean now

1st day in prison, was a bit scared, but the guys have said I can have a job already

Apparently I pick up bars of soap in the shower, I start tomorrow, wish me luck.

what do apples, dish washer soap, the muppets, a black guy, beer, yankee candels, and the keyboard on a flip phone all have in common?

they all help make a really convoluted joke.

What is a bull fighters favorite soap?

Olay!

So robbers broke into my house and stole all the soap,

Dirty bastards, but than the cops came and did a full report. The cops said they got away clean.

What are the funniest soap jokes of all time?

Did you ever wanted to stand out with a good sense of humour joking about Soap? Well, here are the best Soap puns to laugh out loud. Crazy and funny Soap pick up lines to share with friends.

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