Snow Man Jokes

To the tune of "Walking in a Winter Wonderland":
Dog tags ring, are you listening'?
In the lane, snow is glistening.
It's yellow, not white I've been there tonight,
Marking up my winter wonderland.
Smell that tree? That's my fragrance.
It's a sign for wandering vagrants;
"Avoid where I pee, it's my property.
Marked up as my winter wonderland."
In the meadow dad will build a snowman,
following the classical design.
Then I'll lift my leg and let it go, man,
So all the world will know it's mine-mine-mine!
Straight from me to the fence post,
flows my natural incense boast,
"Stay off of my turf, this small piece of earth,
I mark it as my winter wonderland."

A minister dies and is waiting in line at the Pearly Gates.
Ahead of him is a guy who’s dressed in sunglasses, a loud shirt, leather jacket, and jeans.
Saint Peter addresses this guy, "Who are you, so that I may know whether or not to admit you to the Kingdom of Heaven?"
The guy replies, "I’m Joe Cohen, taxi driver, of Noo Yawk City."
St. Peter consults his list.
He smiles and says to the taxi driver, "Take this silken robe and golden staff and enter the Kingdom of Heaven."
The taxi driver goes into Heaven with his robe and staff, and it’s the minister’s turn.
He stands e**... and booms out, "I am Joseph Snow, pastor of Calvary for the last forty-three years."
St Peter consults his list.
He says to the minister, "Take this cotton robe and wooden staff and enter the Kingdom of Heaven."
"Just a minute," says the minister. "That man was a taxi driver, and he gets a silken robe and golden staff. How can this be?!"
"Up here, we work by results," says Saint Peter. "While you preached, people slept; while he drove, people prayed."

Snow White and the Farm Hand

A newly hired farm hand is tending to his daily duties when he's approached by Snow White.
"How are you today, good sir?" she asks.
"Very good, Snow White." He responds
"How are the animals today? Have you yet to ask them?" She asks.
A bit confused, the farm hand answers, "Animals don't talk, ma'am. However, I'm sure they're just fine."
Snow White walks up to the donkey. "How are you today, donkey?"
"Very good, my lady!" replies the donkey.
She walks up to the pig. "How's your day, pig?"
"A fine day, indeed!" replies the pig.
Suddenly the man starts shouting, "The sheep LIES! The sheep LIES!"

A woman takes a business trip...

A woman takes a business trip to Arizona for a week. On her first night there in the hotel, a b**... man comes in through her window and has passionate s**... with her all night long. The next night, the same thing happens. She asks the man for his name, but he says "No, you'll laugh at me". She promises she won't, but he leaves anyways. After continuing this for the whole week, the woman begs the man for his name. He says "Fine, as long as you promise not to laugh... My name is Snow". The woman laughs uncontrollably and he yells "See I knew you would!". She responds "No, I'm not laughing at you. It's just that my husband will never believe me when I tell him I got 8 inches of Snow in Phoenix"

A Finnish Soldier...

In the winter war in 1945 is getting in line for a rifle. The man behind the counter says "sorry, the guy in front of you got the last one. Here, take this hockey stick, and if you see a Russian, point it at him and yell BANG!" The Finn finds this ridiculous but takes it, thinking he'll just fix a bayonet on the thing and fight like that.
As he gets to the bayonet counter, the guy in front of him gets the last one. Instead, he is given a piece of wood about six inches long with the instructions to yell STAB! every time someone is within arms length.
Feeling horribly unprepared, he heads out to battle with his platoon. Shortly, they become separated by snow and wind, and he is left alone with no weapon. A Russian comes over a snowdrift. Desperately, the man throws up his hockey stick and yells BANG! The Russian drops.
So he fights all through the day, yelling BANG and STAB at his will and dropping the enemy like flies. Late in the day, a huge Russian soldier comes plodding toward the man slowly. Feeling confident, the man fires his hockey stick to no effect. He tries a couple more times. Nothing.
Desperately, he throws his small piece of wood at the man, but it just bounces off. Suddenly, the earth around him explodes and he goes flying. Just as he is about to die, the Russian plods on by him saying under his breath "tank, tank, tank, BOOM!"

Vacation in Jamaica

Lady goes on vacation to Jamaica.  Upon arriving, she meets a black
man, and after a night of passionate love making she asks him, 'What
is your name?'
'I can't tell you,' the black  man says.
Every night they meet and every night  she asks him again what his
name is, and he always responds the same, he can't tell her. On her
last  night there she asks again 'Can you please tell me your name?'
'I can't tell you my name because you will laugh at me.' says the black  man.
'There is no reason for me to laugh at you,'  the lady says.
'Fine, my name is Snow!'  the  black man replies. And the lady bursts
into laughter, and the black man gets mad and  says, ' I knew you
would make fun of it'.
The  lady replied, 'I'm not making fun of your name. I'm  thinking of
my husband who won't believe me when I  tell him that I enjoyed 10 inches
of Snow every day in  Jamaica.💃🗻🍆

Blonde gets lost in a snowstorm...

She didn't panic however because when she was younger her dad taught her to wait for a snow plow and then just follow the snow plow to safety. Sure enough a snow plow drives by and she follows behind it for 45 minutes. Finally the driver of the snow plow stops and gets out and asks her if she needed anything, she says no and tells the man the lesson her father had taught her, to follow a snow plow if she was ever lost. The snow plow driver nodded and said "ok well I am done plowing the Walmart parking lot, would you like to follow me over to target now?"

Rabbi's w**...-bang

The Rabbi and his wife were expecting a baby. The Rabbi went to the congregation and asked for a raise. After much consideration and discussion, they passed a rule that when the Rabbi's family expanded, so would his paycheck.
After five or six children, this started to get expensive. The congregation decided to hold a meeting again to discuss the Rabbi's pay situation. You can imagine there was much yelling and bickering.
Finally, the Rabbi got up and spoke to the congregation, "Having children is an act of God!"
In the back of the room, a little old man with a full beard stood up and in his frail voice said, "Point of information - snow and rain are also 'acts of God,' but when we get too much we wear rubbers!"

A couple are walking through St Petersburg Square on Christmas Eve

They feel a slight precipitation.
The man says, "I think it's raining."
His wife disagrees, "No, it's snowing!"
Unable to agree, the man says, "why don't we ask the nice Communist officer over here? He's always right! Officer Rudolf, is it raining or snowing?"
"Definitely raining," said the officer before walking off.
"See?" the husband says, "Rudolf the Red knows rain, dear."

A couple is walking in St. Petersburg Square on christmas Eve

They feel a slight precipitation.
"I think it's raining," says the man.
"No, it's snowing," replies the woman.
"How about we ask this Communist officer here? He is always right!" exclaims the man. "Officer Rudolph, is it raining or snowing?"
"Definitely raining," Officer Rudolph replies before walking off.
The man turns to his wife with a smile. See? Rudolph the Red knows rain, dear.

A man and a woman are walking down the street....

When they begin to feel some precipitation. The woman turns to the man and says
"wow its starting to snow.
To which the man replies:
" no, you're wrong. It is starting to rain."
The couple argue for quite some time and eventually decide to ask a communist police officer whether it is raining or snowing.
"Hello, Officer Rudolph!" The man exclaims.
"Could you tell us whether its raining or snowing so that we can stop arguing about it?"
Officer Rudolph holds his hand out and says
"Why, it appears to be raining."
The man promptly turns to the woman and declares:
"See? Rudolph, the red knows rain, dear!"

A couple is walking in the St. Petersburg Street on the Christmas eve..

A couple is walking in the St. Petersburg Street on the Christmas eve. They feel a slight precipitation.
"I think it's raining." says the man.
"No, it's snowing." replies the woman.
"How about we ask the communist officer here? He's always right!" exclaims the man. "Officer Rudolph, is it raining or snowing?"
"Definitely raining." claims Officer Rudolph before walking off.
The man turns to his wife with a smile and says "See? Rudolph the Red knows rain, dear."
Credit- Tumblr

Heard this one over Christmas, I can only apologise.

Back in the pre-glasnost days a Russian couple were walking down the street in Moscow, when the man felt a drop hit his nose.
"I think it's raining", he said to his wife.
"No, that felt more like snow to me", she replied.
"No, I'm sure it was just rain" he said.
Well, as these things go, they were about to have a major argument about
whether it was raining or snowing.
Just then they saw a Communist Party official walking toward them.
"Let's not fight about it", the man said, "Let's ask Comrade Rudolph
whether it's officially raining or snowing.
As the official approached, the man said "Tell us, Comrade Rudolph, is it officially raining or snowing?"
"It's raining, of course", he replied,and walked on.
But the woman insisted: "I know that felt like snow!", to which the man
quietly replied,
"Rudolph the Red, knows rain, dear."

Email Joke

It's wise to remember how easily this wonderful technology can be misused, sometimes unintentionally, with serious consequences.
Consider the case of the Illinois man who left the snow-filled streets of Chicago for a vacation in Florida. His wife was on a business trip and was planning to meet him there the next day. When he reached his hotel, he decided to send his wife a quicke-mail. Unable to find the scrap of paper on which he had written her e-mail address, he did his best to type it in from memory.
Unfortunately, he missed one letter, and his note was directed instead to an elderly preacher's wife, whose husband had passed away only the day before. When the grieving widow checked her e-mail, she took one look at the monitor, let out a piercing scream, and fell to the floor in a dead faint.
At the sound, her family rushed into the room and saw this note on the screen:
Dearest Wife,
Just got checked in. Everything prepared for your arrival tomorrow.
PS. Sure is hot down here.

Ski trip [n**...]

Three friends were on a skiing trip in Aspen. After a long day of snow and mountain activity, they returned to their cabin. In an attempt to stay warm, they decided to all three sleep on the same bed.
The next morning, the man on the right side woke up extremely happy, and woke his friends. "Guys! I had the most amazing dream! I dreamed that I got a h**... from a really cute redhead! It felt so real!"
Stunned, the man on the left side said "no way! I had the same dream! And it felt so real! Except I got a h**... from a hot brunette! Ned, let me guess. You had a similar dream about a blonde giving you a h**...?"
The man in the middle says "nah I just had a dream that I was skiing."

A couple is walking in communist Russia...

They feel a slight precipitation.
"Is it raining?" Said the husband.
"No, its snowing." Said the wife.
"How about we ask this communist officer here? For he is in the right always."
"Officer Rudolf, is it raining or snowing?"
"Definitely raining, comrades." Officer Rudolph says as he walks off.
The man turns to his wife with a smile. "See? Rudolf the Red knows rain, dear."
My 11 year old cousin has been telling this joke to anybody with ears.

A Russian couple walks down a street in Moscow when the man feels a drop hit his nose.

"I think it's raining," he says to his wife.
"No, that feels like snow to me, dear," she replies.
Just then, a minor communist party official walks towards them.
"Let's not fight about it," the man says. "Let's ask Comrade Rudolph whether it's officially raining or snowing."
"It's raining, of course" Comrade Rudolph says and walks on.
But the woman insists, "I know that felt like snow."
To which the man quietly says, "Rudolph the Red knows rain, dear."
Credit to /u/Bidonet

A couple was walking in St. Petersburg Square on Christmas Eve

A couple was walking in St. Petersburg Square on Christmas Eve.
"I think it's raining," says the man.
The woman replies, "No, it's snowing."
"Let's ask this communist officer here. He's always right," explains the man. "Officer Rudolph, is it raining or snowing currently?"
"Definitely raining," Officer Rudolph replied.
The man turns to his wife and says, "Rudolph the red knows rain, dear."

A couple were walking in St Petersburg...

when they felt a slight precipitation.
"I think it's raining," said the man.
"No, I definitely think it's snowing," said the woman.
After arguing for about 20 minutes, the man says, "why don't we ask this Communist officer over here? He is always right!"
So they go up to the officer and say, "Officer Rudolph, what would you say the weather is right now? Raining or snowing?" to which Officer Rudolph replies, "It is definitely raining."
The man turns to his wife with a smile and says, "see, I told you, Rudolph the Red knows rain, dear."

In the spirit of Christmas, I've decided to regift this joke.

A couple is walking in East Berlin on Christmas Eve. They feel a slight precipitation.
"I think it's raining," says the man.
"No, it's snowing," replies the woman.
"How about we ask this Communist officer here? He is always right!" exclaims the main. "Officer Rudolph, is it raining or snowing?
"Definitely raining," Officer Rudolph replies before walking off.
The man turns to his wife with a smile. "See? Rudolph the Red knows rain, dear."

A man lines up for food in Soviet Russia...

After two hours of waiting he gets his turn and offers his bowl.
Out of soup. says the officer in charge and waves him aside.
The man refuses to leave. He tosses the bowl on the table and curses the regime for failing his starving family.
The officer motions to the guards and they wrestle the ranting man away. As they shove him outside, one says to the man:
Back then we could've shot you in the snow, comrade.
The man goes back home to his wife. She sees him looking glum as he walks in and asks:
Ran out of soup again?
Even worse, he replied. They ran out of bullets.

Rudolph the red

November a very rich soviet couple where walking back to there home. They hear some distant thunder and the man looks up at the clouds yep it's gonna rain tonight
What are you talking about says the wife it's clearly going to snow you idiot
It's to warm to snow it's going to rain, and look honey there's the friendly neighborhood communists officer let's ask him
They walk up to the communist officer and he says hi I'm Rudolph how can I help?
The husband asks the question and Rudolph say hmmm I think it will rain tonight
No it's not proclaims the wife
The husband responds honey Rudolph the red knows rain dear