Snapped Jokes

My girlfriend asked me to try crossdressing.

I told her I'd really rather not. 
She snapped back at me "Can't you just this once put yourself in my shoes?"

at least he tried.

I was getting nowhere chatting up this very attractive woman the other night, so I asked her,
Do you always give blokes such a hard time? I mean, have you ever slept with anyone before?
That's my business! she snapped back at me.
Oh, I'm sorry! I didn't realise, I responded. How much?

When I almost snapped after I heard the same joke over and over, I've found out what rhymes with orange !

Deez nuts ! Ha, got him !

When I was 12 I got kidnapped. When my parents found out they snapped into action.

They rented out my room.

My dad keeps throwing erasers at me...

My dad keeps throwing erasers at me and I finally snapped, "Why dad!" he replied "the first rubber I used didn't get rid of my mistake, maybe this one will"

I once skated on the Titanic...

Unfortunately I snapped the Deck

Paper, Rock, and Scissors were sitting at a table playing Poker

They are playing a hand and Rock goes all in, Scissors places $50, and paper snapped in a half and dies.
Scissors asks, "What happened?".
Rocks replies, "I think he folded".

10 Little Monkeys Jumping on the Bed...

...One fell off and snapped his neck. Mama called the doctor and the doctor said:

"It's no use, this monkey is dead!"

I've snapped a bunch of necks

Being a necklace photographer isn't too bad

I snapped my fingers to get a waiter's attention.

Pretty s**... really, now I need surgery.

What do you call a team-up between a maniac, a random white guy, and the head of the Vatican?

Snapped, c**... and Pope

My great grandfather once worked in a WW2 aircraft factory.

*"Our factory closed down on account of increased B-24 production"*, he said.
*"Why is that?"*, I asked. *"Did the military favor the B-24 over your aircraft?"*
*"The military hated the B-24!"*, he snapped back. *"It always flew above flak and our Focke-Wulfs couldn't hit them either."*

I've lost my mind.

Sometimes, I squeeze my fingers together really tight. Eventually, they slip and slap my hand.
I guess you could say I've snapped.

Chuck Norris walked into a bar

And snapped it in half.

My wife said if I took one more picture of her she'd leave me.

That's when I snapped.

A guy walked up to me at school

And picked me up. He yelled "TRUE" in my ear and walked away. Then in the middle of the hall he kept shouting to me "FALSE". Finally he walked up to me when I was with my crush and said "true true true true false false". That's when I snapped.
"Stop boolean me!!"

As the photographer snapped pictures, I posed provocatively and gave my most s**... looks to the camera, even grabbing my c**... for effect! I felt wild and sensual and free...

I went over to the computer to see the results, as I was keen to see if they had captured the essence of my being.
"I guess so." growled the officer. "Now let's go stand for the police lineup and then we'll be done here."

I walked in last night to find a paramedic crouching over my wife. Get your lips off my wife,

I snapped pulling him off her. But sir, I'm not kissing her! He pleaded. She's stopped breathing.
Do I need to repeat myself?

Caught a cod today

Caught a 21lb cod today but the line snapped when trying to pull it in.
How did you know it was 21lb?
Had scales on it back :)

How did the whale get pregnant off the submarine?

Snapped it in half, and s**... up all the sea-men

Yo mama's so fat that when Thanos snapped his finger, she lost half her weight.

So I have this overweight friend, and one day he snapped, and said "i'll just my problems away".

The next day his wife disappeared

Yo Mama So Fat

When Thanos snapped, it just took her.
Perfectly balanced

I think my boss might actually be Thanos in disguise

Today, he snapped his fingers and half my weekend disappeared.

I finally snapped and killed my wife, Ruth.

I am Ruthless

My surname, Stead, rhymes with bed

My surname, Stead, rhymes with bed, but people often pronounce it as "steed", like the horse. One day a business associate of mine came over to the house and was greeted by my girlfriend.
"Is Mr. Steed in?" the woman asked.
"He's Stead," my girlfriend snapped.
"Oh, no!" the women gasped. " I was talking to him only yesterday."

Last night, my date asked, "So how come you haven't already been snapped up?"

I replied, "I've been married before, but it didn't work out. She said I was far too inattentive."
"Oh, that's so sad! Did you have any kids?"
"Probably."

Remember when Thanos snapped his fingers and half of everyone was instantly killed?

Part of me died that day...

Thanos has four kids. He used to have five, but one of them bugged him, until, well…

…he snapped.

A traffic cop in a small town stopped a motorist for speeding.

"but Officer," said the driver, "I can explain-"
Save your excuses," said the cop. "You can cool your heels in jail till the chief gets back."
"But Officer..."
"Quiet!" snapped the cop. "You're going to jail the chief will deal with you when he gets back."
A few hours later the officer looks in at the prisoner. "Lucky for you that the chief's at his daughter's wedding. It means he'll be in a good mood when he gets back."
"Don't count on it," said the prisoner. "I'm the groom."

Did Sia get snapped in Infinity War?

Cause I don't sia anywhere.

3 dogs met at the park

The Husky mentioned that God has blessed Huskies as the superior breed.
The Rottweiler snapped quickly and replied that God said Rottweilers are the absolute best!
The German Sheppard turned and asked, I said what ?

I just made a woman cry.

I just told her that she looked like thanos, I guess that's why she snapped...

Arnold Schwarzeneggar walked into a bar

It immediately snapped in half and he didn't even feel it.

Why did the middle finger get mad at the thumb?

We don't know. It just snapped.

A critic walked up and down the aisles of a modern art exhibit.

He stopped before one particularly abstract work.
"What in the world is that supposed to be?" He wondered aloud.
"That," said the artist, "is *supposed* to be the Great Wall of China at sunset."
"Then why isn't it?" snapped the critic.

Yo mamma so fat...

Thanos snapped his fingers and only she disappeared

When nick Fury got snapped away..

..He wasn't cursing. He was thinking about his father.

A man wandering the desert, finds a lamp...

Skeptical, he rubs the lamp and to his surprise a Genie pops out and says:
"You get three wishes, go."
The man thought for a moment before speaking
"You know, I've thought of the perfect first wish!"
He mulled it over a momemt longer before spouting
"I want the greatest thing life has to offer a person!"
"SO IT SHALL BE" The genie snapped his fingers
And the man dropped dead.

My girlfriend broke up with me after I snapped her neck

She'd prefer if I snapped pictures of her face, but either way, "snapchat is dead like our relationship so goodbye."

A terrible hairdresser was known for cutting customers' scalps with scissors.

One such customer, fed up and covered in wounds, told the hairdresser off.
The hairdresser snapped back, "Hey buddy, show some appreciation! You only paid $5 for this haircut, and I've already used $10 worth of bandages!"
\- From "Philogelos", an ancient Greek joke book dated to around 200 AD.

If you had a quarter," quizzed the teacher," and you asked your father for another dollar and fifty cents, how much money would you have?"

One quarter." answered little Johnny.
You don't know your arithmetic!" snapped the teacher shaking her head.
Little Johnny shook his head too, "You don't know my dad!"

A Roman Legionnaire walks into a bar.

The bartender asks "What can I get you?" to which the Legionnaire replied: "A Martinum please".
The bartender looked puzzled, "Don't you mean a Martini?"
The legionnaire snapped back with "If I wanted a f*cking double I'd ask for one!"

Misinterpretation

I was in a pub last Saturday night, drank quite a few, and noticed two very large women by the bar.  They both had pretty strong accents, so I asked, "Hey, are you two ladies from Ireland ?"
One of them snapped back saying, "It's WALES , you friggin' idiot!"
So, I immediately apologized and said, "I'm sorry. Are you two whales from Ireland ?"
That's pretty much the last thing I remember...

A lawyer approached the Pearly Gates of Heaven

I'm only 45 years old! Why is it already my time to depart? Send me back to Earth right now or I'll sue you! he angrily snapped to the gatekeeper.
Based to the records of your billable hours, Mr. Lawyer, you're 98 years old. , replied the gatekeeper.

Grandpa picked up a spoon and looked at it oddly.

Grandpa picked up a spoon and looked at it oddly, fearing it was a sign of Alzheimer's disease I asked him what he was holding in his hand. He snapped back "Of course I know it's a spoon, but who is that old guy in the reflection? "

A bus full of ugly people had a head on collision with a truck...

A bus full of ugly people had a head on collision with a truck. When they died, God granted all of them one wish. The first person said, "I want to be gorgeous." God snapped his fingers and it happened. The second person said the same thing and God did the same thing. This want on and on throughout the group. God noticed the last man in line was laughing hysterically. By the time God got to the last ten people, the last man was laughing and rolling on the ground. When the man's turn came, he laughed and said, "I wish they were all ugly again."

A son was walking along side his father

While walking, the kid was looking at his phone and didn't notice a pole in front of him, which resulted with him colliding with the pole.
The father said, That was some a pole ing behavior and began to laugh at his own joke
The son, being slightly irritated, snapped back at the father saying, was that pun really necessary?
The father than replied with, well, you walked right into that one

So I like to stand on one leg sometime, like a flamingo, to help with building my balance...

My girlfriend always rolls her eyes at me and the other day she snapped and yelled at me to stop.
I said, This is my house, don't make me put my foot down..

A priest and an atheist are playing golf.

The priest is okay, but the atheist is s**.... He keeps missing his shots. Every time he misses a shot, he says 'Damn, missed!' The priest got more and more agitated at the use of the word 'damn', and eventually snapped. He said, 'Do not use that word or God himself will strike you down!' There's an immediate ruble from the sky, and a bolt of lighting shoots down and vaporizes the priest into ash. A booming voice rings out across the golf course, striking fear into the golfers, and says:
'Damn, missed!'

A lion and a cheetah have a game of chess and the cheetah ends up winning.

Annoyed, the lion shouts, "You're a cheater!"
The cheetah snapped back, "You're lyin'!"

Ugly Ones

A bus full of ugly people had a head on collision with a truck. When they died, God granted all of them one wish. The first person said, "I want to be gorgeous.
God snapped his fingers and it happened. The second person said the same thing and God did the same thing. This want on and on throughout the group. God noticed the last man in line was laughing hysterically. By the time God got to the last ten people, the last man was laughing and rolling on the ground. When the man's turn came, he laughed and said, "I wish they were all ugly again."

My wife said that I'm a neglectful father.

"What are you talking about?" I shouted. "I took our daughter to the park this morning."
"Yes," she snapped. "And you ought to have brought her home with you."

my from 10y daughter. so proud!

Yo mama is so fat, she broke the stairway to heaven!
Yo mama is so fat, when Thanos snapped his fingers, only half of her dissappeared!

Speeder

A police officer in a small town stopped a motorist who was speeding down Main Street.
"But, officer" the man began "I can explain"
"Just be quiet" snapped the officer. "I'm going to let you cool your heels in jail until the chief gets back."
"But, officer, I just wanted to say"
"And I said to keep quiet! You're going to jail!"
A few hours later the officer looked in on his prisoner and said "Lucky for you that the chief's at his daughter's wedding. He'll be in a good mood when he gets back."
"Don't count on it," answered the fellow in the cell. "I'm the groom."

A Soviet airline pilot had to land in East Berlin, but couldn't find the airport.

Finally the German ground controller snapped and asked him: "Have you EVER flown to Berlin?"
The Soviet pilot says "Yes, many times, but we didn't land there."

I went fishing but my hook fell off, then my line broke, then my pole snapped.

In frustration I threw my broken pole into the water where it hit a fish and killed it.
It was a fluke.

My friend kept rambling on, giving me these boring lectures about H2O. So I finally snapped and said….

Water you talking about?!

I was getting nowhere chatting up this very attractive posh-looking girl the other night,

so I asked her, Do you always give guys such a hard time? I mean, have you ever slept with anyone before?
That's my business! she snapped back at me.
Oh, I'm sorry! I didn't realise, I responded. How much?

My wife called me earlier.

Where are you?" she screamed. "I've been stuck outside this house in the rain for an hour!"
I'm having a few beers with the guys" I said.
Well, I need you to come and open the door for me" she snapped "I've forgotten my key!"
Calm down, I replied. "I'll send Dave through from the kitchen.

Frank Sinatra was dining out one night when a high school lad came up to his table.

Mr. Sinatra," said the teen-age boy, my name is Bernie Rosenberg. Would you please do me a favor?
What kind of favor? Sinatra asked.
"Well, I'm here with my girl and I want to make a good impression on her. I certainly would appreciate it if you would drop by my table and say 'Hi, Bernie!'
OK, kid, I'll try, said the singer, smiling.
A little later he dropped by the boy's table, and said, Hi, Bernie!
The boy looked up at him and snapped, Don't bother me now, Frankie. Can't you see I'm busy?