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Snake Jokes

179 snake jokes and hilarious snake puns to laugh out loud. Read animal jokes about snake that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.

Read these hilarious snake jokes and find out why they are such a popular topic for comedy. Find out why making jokes about vipers, rattlesnakes, and thon is so fun. Enjoy a good chuckling session with these wacky jokes about snakes.

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Funniest Snake Short Jokes

Short snake jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The snake humour may include short frog jokes also.

  1. What's the best Chuck Norris joke you've ever heard? My personal favorite is: chuck norris was once bitten by a cobra snake. After 3 long days of suffering, the snake died
  2. My ex girlfriend was a beautiful woman... ... olive skin, green eyes, snakes for hair.
    But I had to break it off with her because she was constantly objectifying me.
  3. What did Saint Patrick say when he drove all the snakes out of Ireland? "Everyone got seat belts on back there?"
  4. My pet snake just lays around and won't move I think he's suffering from a reptile dysfunction
  5. If adam and eve were Chinese Then we would still be in paradise as they would eat the snake instead of the apple.
  6. A male snake charmer married a female undertaker.. Their bath towel read "Hiss" and "Hearse"
  7. What has the head of a dog, the body of a pig, and the legs of a spider? My daughter's drawing of a snake.
  8. What do you call a funny snake? HISSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSTERICAL
    ^^^my ^^^son ^^^^told ^^^^^me ^^^^^^this ^^^^^^^one..
  9. Why was the snake pressed againt the glass at the zoo? He wanted to be a windshield viper.
  10. We would all be living in paradise if Adam & Eve were Chinese.. Because they would've eaten the snake and not the apple.

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Snake One Liners

Which snake one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with snake? I can suggest the ones about monkey and wolf.

  1. A sheep, a drum and a snake fell off a cliff… Baa-Dumm-Tssssss….
  2. How long are math snakes? 3.14 feet. Well, at least the πthon is
    (I'm so sorry)
  3. What do you call a snake that's exactly 3.14 meters long? A πthon
  4. What do you call a 3.14m long snake? A πthon.
  5. Snake walks into a bar. And the bartender says ''How did you do that?''
  6. What does a German snake sound like? ßßßßßßßßßßßßßßßßßßßßßßßßßßßßßßßßßßßßßßßßßßßßßßßß....
  7. Snake: *hissssssssss* Feminist snake: \*herrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr\*
  8. A Sheep, a Drum, and a Snake fall off a cliff Baa-Dumm-Tsss
  9. A goat, a drum, and a snake fell off a cliff.. Baa- dum- ssss
  10. What do you call a snake that's 3.14m long? A pi-thon
    It's pi day!
  11. What do you call a snake that is 3.14 feet long ? A πthon
  12. a snake walks into a bar The bartender asked him : how tf did you just do that
  13. What's worse than a box full of snakes? A box that was SUPPOSED to be full of snakes.
  14. What do you call a snake that works for the government? A civil Serpent
  15. What sound does a german snake make ßßßßßßßß

Snake Bite Jokes

Here is a list of funny snake bite jokes and even better snake bite puns that will make you laugh with friends.

  • Always carry a whiskey flask in case of a snake bite. With that in mind, always carry a small snake. ~ W.C. Fields
  • Why don't snakes ever bite lawyers? Professional courtesy.
  • Why won't a snake bite a lawyer? Professional courtesy.
  • Did you know cat's are impervious to most rattle snake bites? Said every dog ever.
  • A man is walking through the forest when get gets bitten by a snake He looks down and yells
    "Did you seriously just bite me!"
    and the snake replies
    /s^(/s/s/s/s/s/s/s)
  • Why should you never throw a snake like a boomerang? Because it'll come back to bite you.
  • In India a man was bitten by a snake as he tried to take a 'selfie'. How the snake managed to bite the man and hold a phone simultaneously is a mystery.
  • Chuck Norris was bite by a deadly snake today After 5 brutal days of agony, the snake finally died.
  • Why did the trouser snake avoid biting the singer? It was afraid of minstrel blood.
  • What do you say when you step on a snake? Well that bites.

Venomous Snake Jokes

Here is a list of funny venomous snake jokes and even better venomous snake puns that will make you laugh with friends.

  • Two snakes are hanging out, when one asks the other... "Hey, are we venomous?"
    The other snake replies, "I'm not sure."
    "Well I hope not," the first snake says, "cus I just bit my tongue."
  • Baby snake \- Mom, are we venomous?, said the baby snake
    \- No, we aren't at all! Why?
    \- Phew! Because I just bit my tongue!
  • A young snake asks his mum... Mum, are we poisonous or venomous?
    Why? , she replied
    Because I just bit my tongue
  • What do you get when you remove the venom from a snake? A belt.
  • Two snakes Snake one asks
    "Hey man, are we venomous?"
    Snake two responds,
    "Extremely. Why do you ask?"
    "Because I just bit my tongue"
  • The Spitting Cobra's venom can make you go blind. What Swedish snake can help you see more clearly? The Vindshield Viper!
  • What do you call a vegan who got bit by a snake and won't take the antidote? *die hard with a venom*
  • Removing a snake's venom is called "milking" the snake. So: How exactly do you milk snakes? With a very low stool. (Hat tip to Roger Moore)
  • What is it called when Venom snake gets spotted doing something bad? Getting caught red handed!
  • Melania Trump had just undergone f**... botox surgery when an extremely venomous snake bit her eyebrow. Sadly, no living thing has ever survived this creature's toxin. The snake died moments later.
Snake joke, Melania Trump had just undergone f**... botox surgery when an extremely venomous snake bit her eyebr

Python Snake Jokes

Here is a list of funny python snake jokes and even better python snake puns that will make you laugh with friends.

  • I advertised a python for sale in the paper a man rang up and said What size is it?
    I replied It's quite big
    How many feet? he asked,
    None, it's a snake...
  • I was trying to sell my pet python today Guy asked: is it big?
    I said: Huge!
    He said: How many feet?
    I said: None - it's a snake!
  • Did you hear about the computer nerd who was eaten alive by a giant snake? Now he's programming in python.
  • What kinda snake has a lisp? A Mike Python
  • A 3.14 meter long snake ! What do you call a 3.14 meter long snake ?
    - a "Py"thon
    What do you call a 43 kilometre long snake ?
    - a marathon !
  • What do you call a snake that weighs 3.14 tons? Python
  • Why was the programer killed by a snake? He underestimated the speed of the python.
  • What's a snakes favourite TV program ? Monty Python!
  • If my girlfriend was a snake... She would be a python.
    .
    .
    .
    Cuz she swallows!
  • What do corridors, snakes, and resistors have in common? Monty.
    Monty Hall, Monty Python, Monty Oum.

Solid Snake Jokes

Here is a list of funny solid snake jokes and even better solid snake puns that will make you laugh with friends.

  • How does Big Boss store his photos? On a Solid Snake Drive 120 gb
    sorry :\
  • I can do a Snake impression My friends say it's pretty solid
  • What is a homosexual's favorite Metal Gear Solid game? Snake Eater.
  • Zero has spotted Solid Snake. He's now the one.
  • What is Metal Gear's Snake's secret? There's a Solid, Liquid, and Solidus Snake. It seems they all passed gas.
  • They call me Metal Gear Because my snake is solid
  • I'm psychic and can tell who your favorite game character is Solid Snake
  • What kind of shoes does Solid Snake wear? Sneakers.
    Huehuehue.
  • I asked Solid Snake about the water found on Mars... His only response was LIQUID!!!!!!!!!!!!!
  • Now that the Patriots won... Does that mean that everything Solid Snake did was for nothing?
Snake joke, Now that the Patriots won...

Heartwarming Snake Jokes that Make You Laugh

What funny jokes about snake you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean lion jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make snake pranks.

A boy scout says to his scout leader, "Sir, is this snake poisonous?" The scout leader says, "No, that snake's not poisonous at all." So the boy picks up the snake, which bites him and the boy starts to spasm and foam at the mouth as the other kids look on in horror...

The scout leader says, "But that snake is venomous. Poison is ingested or absorbed, while venom is injected. Let's get it right next time, boys."

[garden of eden]


**Snake:** Pssst! want an apple?
**Eve:** No thanks, I do not sin.
**Snake:** What's the length of the opposite side of a 30° right triangle with a hypotenuse of 20?
**Eve:** 10
**Snake:** Thanksss
**Adam:** How did you calculate that?
**Eve:** Oh no.

My uncle Larry got bit by a snake.

My uncle Larry got bit by a snake. Not knowing if it was poisonous, he quickly grabbed the creature by the head, bit it in half and drove me, himself and the snake's body to the hospital.
As soon as we got there, the doctor informed us that for future reference proper term was *venomous* and this particular snake was not.
Which would have been a relief, except by that point uncle Larry had died of a poisonous snake bite.

What do you say when you step on a snake?

FUCKINGFUCKERMOTHERSONAFUCKINGSHITFUCK

An old snake

"Doc, I need something for my eyes...can't see well these days". The Doc fixes him up with a pair of glasses and tells him to return in 2 weeks.
The snake comes back in 2 weeks and tells the doctor he's very depressed.
Doc says, "What's the problem...didn't the glasses help you?"
"The glasses are fine, doc. I just discovered I've been living with a water hose the past 2 years!"

Did you hear about the epileptic snake?

It had a hissy fit.

What do you call an Aztec Mayan snake god tied in a knot?

Pretzalcoatl

On a whim, I bought a snake yesterday at the local pet store...

Last night, I attempted to feed it a freshly grilled hamburger.
Just the patty, no bread.
The thing is, he wouldn't eat it.
As it turns out,
my anaconda don't want none unless you've got buns, Hun.

What do you call a snake that has been knighted?

Sir Pent...

What does a German snake say?

ßßßß

Why couldn't the snake charmer charm his snake?

He had a reptile dysfunction

I went to the pharmacy this morning and asked for 50 condoms.

The girl winked at me and said, "Oh, someone has a busy weekend ahead of them!"
"I know," I said. "I'm making a raincoat for my pet snake."

Boy scout: Sir, I found a snake, is it poisonous?

Me: No little one, this snake isn't poisonous at all
*Snake bites boy and boy immediately starts to spasm and foam at the mouth, leaving the other kids watching, horrified*
Me: However, this snake is venomous. Venom is always injected, poison is ingested or absorbed through the skin. Let's get it right next time lads

How do you measure a snake?

In inches. Snakes don't have any feet.

I can't see how this day could get any worse. First, my baby cousin went missing...

And now my pet snake has a huge tumor

snake joke

A guy wearing a snake walks up to a hot dog stand and asks for a hot dog for his snake.The woman running the stand says they don't have any buns so it just would be the meat.He says that sorry My anaconda don't want none unless you got buns hun.

What do you call a broken snake?

A reptile dysfunction.

So yet another snake walks into a bar...

He asks the bartender,
"Gimme a shot of Jack!"
"No sir."
"Well why not?" The snake said.
"You can't hold your liquor!"

A sheep, a drum, and a snake fell off a cliff.

Ba-dum-tss.

Why can't some snakes get b**...?

Because they have a reptile dysfunction.

i've just bought an english snake.

Sir Pent

What do snakes use to build clocks?

Metal Gears

Why can't an Italian snake talk?

Because it doesn't have any hands.

A sheep,a p**... and a snake walk together then fall of a cliff...

*Baah Dum Tssssss*

What do you get when you cross a snake with a plane?

A boeing constrictor

Yesterday I took l**... and I wrestled with a grass snake for three hours.

On a side note, our garden hose is completely wrecked.

What did you call a Mexican snake?

Hisssspanic

No, that snake's not poisonous at all.

A boy scout says to his scout leader, Sir, is this snake poisonous?
The scout leader says, No, that snake's not poisonous at all.
So the boy picks up the snake which bites him, and the boy starts to spasm and foam at the mouth as the other kids look on in horror.
The scout leader says, But that snake is venomous. Poison is ingested or absorbed, while venom is injected. Let's get it right next time, boys.

Why can't the snake have s**...?

He has reptile disfunction.

A 3.14 m long snake is

πthon.
Happy π day!

Two snakes are slithering through the forest when one stops and looks at the other

"Hey Carl" he says "Are we poisonous?"
The other snake stops and thinks for a second "honestly, I have no idea, why?" He asks
The first snake responds in a worried voice "because I just bit my tongue"

A SHORT HISTORY OF MEDICINE:

"Doctor, I have an ear ache."
2000 B.C. - "Here, eat this root."
1000 B.C. - "That root is heathen, say this prayer."
1850 A.D. - "That prayer is superstition, drink this potion."
1940 A.D. - "That potion is snake oil, s**... this pill."
1985 A.D. - "That pill is ineffective, take this antibiotic."
2017 A.D. - "That antibiotic is artificial. Here, eat this root!"

What do you call a snake that's 3.14 feet?

A Pi-Thon!
Credit goes to my girlfriend, the ultimate dad.

My girlfriend said she was going to get a massive tattoo of a snake on her back.

"Do it," I said. "But it might hurt you."
"I know," she replied. "But it's only a needle."
"No," I said. "I mean being single."

What do you call a mathematical snake?

A π-thon.

How do you peel a banana?

1. Get banana sunburned. Banana will soon begin to peel.
2. Scare banana. Grab skin when it jumps out of it.
3. Hypnotize banana. Tell banana it is a snake. Banana will shed skin.
4. Call banana yellow. Banana will want to fight. Will remove jacket.

How do you get a snake to stop hissing?

You give it an antiHISStamine!

I was taking care of my friend's snake while he was on vacation, but somehow it crawled into our freezer and died...

I asked my wife, "What should I tell him?"
She said, "Just give it to him straight."

My wife

Not many of you know that my wife was bitten by a rattlesnake over the summer, while we were camping. After two days of horrible, writhing agony, the snake died.

What do you call a limp snake?

A reptile dysfunction.

A snake tells her son, "Go out and get me some scale cream!"

"Why?"
"Because I shed so!"

What do you call it when a snake can't have s**...?

A reptile dysfunction.

What do you call a floppy snake?

Reptile dysfunction.

Two hunters are in a forest when, all of sudden, a venomous snake jumps and bites one of them in the groin.

His friend, desperate, calls 911.
"Help me! My friend got bitten by a snake!"
"Calm down, sir! First of all, you must find the location of the bite and s**... the poison out. Can you do that?"
"Gotcha."
The bitten friend asks: "So? What did they say?"
"They said you'll die, dude."

A woman tried to order an exotic snake online

A woman tried to order an exotic snake online, but was surprised to find that when the package arrived, it contained only feathered scarves
Looks like the boa cons tricked her

Whatever you do, don't buy anything from eBay seller xx_Anna_xx

My wife bought a crocodile skin handbag from her. When the bag arrived, turned out to be snake skin... Anna conned her.

My wife tried to order an exotic snake online, but was surprised to find that when the package arrived, it contained only feathered scarves...

Looks like the boa cons tricked her...

What do you call a snake thats 3.14m long?

A pi-thon!

What do you call an irrational snake?

A πthon

My friend playing golf gets bit by a snake on his genitalia

I ran up to the clubhouse;
"My buddy got bitten by a venomous snake, how do I save him"
"You gotta s**... out the venom, and quickly"
So I ran back to my friend,
"What'd he say? What'd he say?"
"You're gonna die..."

A snake and a librarian in a library

\-Ssssssssss
\-Sssssssss
\-Sssssssssss
\-Ssssssssss

What medication does a snake take before giving a presentation?

An antihissstamine.

A guy walks into a bar and orders a beer.

"I put an ad on Craigslist today trying to sell my pet python," he tells the bartender. "Is it big?" the bartender asks. "It's freakin' huge!" the guy replies. "How many feet?" the bartender asks. "None you idiot," the guy replies. "It's a snake."

What snake is 3.14 metres long?

A πthon.

What noise does a German snake make?

"Hiß"

Boy Scout: Sir, the lads and I found a snake. Is it poisonous?

Me: No, this snake is not poisonous at all.
* one of them picks up the snake, which bites him. He begins to spasm and foam at the mouth.*
Me: However, this snake is very venomous. Venom is always injected, poison is ingested or absorbed through the skin. Let's get it right next time.

5 penny joke

Place the first penny on the table..."Can you smell that....that's a scent."
Place the second penny...."Can you see any fruit....that's a pair"
Place the third penny...."Can you see any cars? Three Lincolns."
Place the fourth down..."Can you see any snakes? Four copperheads.
Place the fifth down..."Can you see any p**...?"
Scoop them all up..."Not for five cents you can't."

I was fishing when I ran out of bait. I saw a small snake nearby trying to s**... a frog and knowing the snake couldn't bite me with the frog in his mouth, I grabbed him right behind the head, took the frog and put it in my bait bucket...

Now, the dilemma was how to release the snake without getting bit, so I grabbed my bottle of Jack Daniels and poured a little whiskey in its mouth.
His eyes rolled back, he went limp.
I released him into the lake without incident and carried on fishing using the frog.
A little later, I felt a nudge on my foot.
It was that snake, with two more frogs...

What do you call a snake that is exactly 3.14 meters long?

A π thon
Happy pi day. #dadjokes

What kind of snake is 3.14 m long?

A pi-thon.

I got really frustrated and my wife warned me not to cuss when the kids were around.

Me: This is such bull-
Wife: Shhh, say snake instead
Me: Oh right.. This is such snakeshit
Close one

What noise does a German snake make?

ßßßßßßßßßß

What do you call a snake that is approximately 3.14 feet long?

A πthon

Doctor: Can you describe the snake that bit you?

Patient: Yes. It looked like an angry rope.

What do you call a snake that's 3.14 metres long?

A "Pi"-thon.
(brought to you by the bad puns initiative)

A lamb, a drum and a snake fall off a cliff

Baa, dum, tsss

Snake joke, A lamb, a drum and a snake fall off a cliff

jokes about snake