Following is our collection of thon humor and poisonous one-liner funnies working better than reddit jokes. They include Snake puns for adults, dirty his jokes or clean lizard gags for kids.
There is an abundance of rattle jokes out there. You're fortunate to read a set of the 77 funniest jokes on snake. Full with funny wisecracks it is even funnier than any pythons witze you can hear about snake.
The scout leader says, "But that snake is venomous. Poison is ingested or absorbed, while venom is injected. Let's get it right next time, boys."
A Οthon
Me: No little one, this snake isn't poisonous at all
*Snake bites boy and boy immediately starts to spasm and foam at the mouth, leaving the other kids watching, horrified*
Me: However, this snake is venomous. Venom is always injected, poison is ingested or absorbed through the skin. Let's get it right next time lads
A Οthon.
And the bartender says ''How did you do that?''
ΓΓΓΓΓΓΓΓΓΓΓΓΓΓΓΓΓΓΓΓΓΓΓΓΓΓΓΓΓΓΓΓΓΓΓΓΓΓΓΓΓΓΓΓΓΓΓΓ....
Feminist snake: \*herrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr\*
Baa-Dumm-Tsss
Baa- dum- ssss
A woman tried to order an exotic snake online, but was surprised to find that when the package arrived, it contained only feathered scarves
Looks like the boa cons tricked her
I think he's suffering from a reptile dysfunction
Then we would still be in paradise as they would eat the snake instead of the apple.
"Do it," I said. "But it might hurt you."
"I know," she replied. "But it's only a needle."
"No," I said. "I mean being single."
Their bath towels read "Hiss" and "Hearse"
*Baah Dum Tssssss*
Me: No, this snake is not poisonous at all.
* one of them picks up the snake, which bites him. He begins to spasm and foam at the mouth.*
Me: However, this snake is very venomous. Venom is always injected, poison is ingested or absorbed through the skin. Let's get it right next time.
A boy scout says to his scout leader, Sir, is this snake poisonous?
The scout leader says, No, that snake's not poisonous at all.
So the boy picks up the snake which bites him, and the boy starts to spasm and foam at the mouth as the other kids look on in horror.
The scout leader says, But that snake is venomous. Poison is ingested or absorbed, while venom is injected. Let's get it right next time, boys.
A Οthon
"I put an ad on Craigslist today trying to sell my pet python," he tells the bartender. "Is it big?" the bartender asks. "It's freakin' huge!" the guy replies. "How many feet?" the bartender asks. "None you idiot," the guy replies. "It's a snake."
HISSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSTERICAL
^^^my ^^^son ^^^^told ^^^^^me ^^^^^^this ^^^^^^^one..
"Doctor, I have an ear ache."
2000 B.C. - "Here, eat this root."
1000 B.C. - "That root is heathen, say this prayer."
1850 A.D. - "That prayer is superstition, drink this potion."
1940 A.D. - "That potion is snake oil, swallow this pill."
1985 A.D. - "That pill is ineffective, take this antibiotic."
2017 A.D. - "That antibiotic is artificial. Here, eat this root!"
He wanted to be a windshield viper.
A civil Serpent
Because they have a reptile dysfunction.
Because they would've eaten the snake and not the apple.
A reptile dysfunction.
Me: This is such bull-
Wife: Shhh, say snake instead
Me: Oh right.. This is such snakeshit
Close one
ΓΓΓΓ
Ba-dum-tss.
A Ο thon
Happy pi day. #dadjokes
Sir Pent
Looks like the boa cons tricked her...
A Οthon.
"Doc, I need something for my eyes...can't see well these days". The Doc fixes him up with a pair of glasses and tells him to return in 2 weeks.
The snake comes back in 2 weeks and tells the doctor he's very depressed.
Doc says, "What's the problem...didn't the glasses help you?"
"The glasses are fine, doc. I just discovered I've been living with a water hose the past 2 years!"
Now, the dilemma was how to release the snake without getting bit, so I grabbed my bottle of Jack Daniels and poured a little whiskey in its mouth.
His eyes rolled back, he went limp.
I released him into the lake without incident and carried on fishing using the frog.
A little later, I felt a nudge on my foot.
It was that snake, with two more frogs...
A Ο-thon.
Metal Gears
A pi-thon.
Last night, I attempted to feed it a freshly grilled hamburger.
Just the patty, no bread.
The thing is, he wouldn't eat it.
As it turns out,
my anaconda don't want none unless you've got buns, Hun.
The blind snake slithered up to the blind rabbit, felt it all over and said: You have long, furry ears and a short little tail. You must be a rabbit.
The blind rabbit was delighted with the news, and agreed to repay the favour so that the blind snake could find out what he was.
The blind rabbit felt the blind snake all over and finally declared: You're cold, you're slimy and you don't have any balls. You must be a banker.
And now my pet snake has a huge tumor
Hisssspanic
A "Pi"-thon.
(brought to you by the bad puns initiative)
In inches. Snakes don't have any feet.
Reptile dysfunction.
After awhile, he runs out of bait. He sees a snake nearby with a frog in its mouth. Knowing that a frog will make good bait, he catches the snake. He removes the frog, and thinks to himself "How do I let the snake go without getting bit?". He ponders for a minute, then, with his free hand, reaches for his bottle of Jack Daniels whiskey. He pops it open and pours some in the snake's mouth. The snake goes limp and the man tosses it away. Later, as he is getting ready to go home, he feels something on his foot. The man looks down to see the snake next to the whiskey, this time with two frogs in its mouth.
The bartender goes How'd you do that?
they come upon a snake in the road. The horse refuses to move any further so the man gets down, throws the snake in the woods and gets the horse moving "that's one" he says. They continue down the path until they come upon a fallen tree, and the horse won't go around. So the man pushes and pushes on the tree to clear the path, climbs back on the carriage and says "that's two" he says and they go on their way. Then they come upon a river, shallow enough for them to cross but the horse simply won't go. So, the man climbs down, and attempts to make the horse go, but it just will not cross the water. The man says"that's three" and shoots the horse there on the spot. His wife, looking on in disgust says to him "that's the terrible! You didn't have to kill the horse! The man looks at her and says"that's one"
A man and his wife are coming to America with their pet snake and pet skunk. As they are walking up to the gate, about to board the airplane, they read a sign that says no pets allowed through customs. The wife gets a little distressed and asks the husband, "What are we going to do?" After thinking for a few minutes he comes up with the solution that he'll wrap the snake around his waist and act like it's a snake skin belt. She nods her head in approval. Then the husband says, "You hide the skunk up your skirt". Worried, she says, "Well what about the smell?" He says "It doesn't matter if it dies"
A classic...
Two hunters are out shooting turkey. One of them takes a leak, and gets bitten by a big black rattlesnake. The other hunter shoots the snake, but is too late: his friend got deeply bit on his wiener.
So, he calls 911 and proceeds to explain the situation: "my friend got bit by a rattlesnake, blablabla, what should I do?"
- Relax, sir. We're sending a helicopter right away. In the meantime, we need you to suck on the bite so as to take the venom out. It's the only way to make sure he won't die. You heard me? The only way you can keep him alive is sucking on the bite! You can save him!
- O.K thank you!"
The hunter that got bit then proceeds to say:
- "So? What did they tell you?"
And the other responds:
- "They say you're going to die"
Patient: Yes. It looked like an angry rope.
A Οthon
My uncle Larry got bit by a snake. Not knowing if it was poisonous, he quickly grabbed the creature by the head, bit it in half and drove me, himself and the snake's body to the hospital.
As soon as we got there, the doctor informed us that for future reference proper term was *venomous* and this particular snake was not.
Which would have been a relief, except by that point uncle Larry had died of a poisonous snake bite.
A Οthon
...and they sit down and the man orders.
"25 Hamburgers. Two for me, and the rest for my pet snake."
A little while later, the waitress brings the man his two hamburgers, and for the snake, a large plate with 23 cooked beef patties, nothing more.
The snake takes one look at the patties and turns away in disgust. The man asks the waitress, "You have to put them on hamburger buns like a regular hamburger for him."
The waitress protests, "But sir, we're short on hamburger buns as it is, and can snakes even eat bread?"
The man replies, "Look, my anaconda don't want none unless you got buns, hun."
FUCKINGFUCKERMOTHERSONAFUCKINGSHITFUCK
Not many of you know that my wife was bitten by a rattlesnake over the summer, while we were camping. After two days of horrible, writhing agony, the snake died.
Just then he sees a cotton-mouth snake in the water with a frog in his mouth. Frogs are good bass bait. Knowing the snake couldn't bite with the frog in his mouth, the guy grabs him right behind the head, takes the frog, and puts the snake in his bait bucket.
Now the dilemma was how to release the snake without getting bit. So, the guy snatches his bottle of Jack Daniels and pours a little whiskey in the snake's mouth. His eyes roll back and he goes limp. The guy releases him into the lake without incident and carries on fishing using the frog.
A little later, he feels nudge on his foot. It was that snake, with two more frogs.
An antihissstamine.
Professional courtesy.
"Why?"
"Because I shed so!"
It had a hissy fit.
One day, little Johnny asks his mother, "Mommy, can I take a shower with you today?" She replies "Okay Johnny, but there's one rule: you can't look up." But of course, as soon as Johnny and his mother get into the shower, he looks up. "Mommy, Mommy, what is that?!" He cries. "Well Johnny, that's Mommy's grass." She Replies.
The next day, little Johnny asks his mother again, "Mommy, can I take a shower with you today?" She replies "Okay Johnny, but there's one rule: you can't look up." But once again, as soon as Johnny and his mother get into the shower, he looks up. "Mommy, Mommy, what are those?!" He cries. "Well Johnny, those are Mommy's headlights." She replies.
The next day, little Johnny asks his father, "Daddy, can I take a shower with you today?" He replies "Okay Johnny, but there's one rule: you can't look up." But yet again, as soon as Johnny and his father get into the shower, he looks up. "Daddy, Daddy, what is that?!" He cries. "Well Johnny, that's Daddy's snake." he replies.
Later that night, little Johnny can't fall asleep, so he gets into bed with his mother and father. Suddenly, he cries out "Mommy, Mommy, turn on your headlights, there's a snake in the grass!"
There ya go folks, the first dirty joke I ever heard.
A Pi-Thon!
Credit goes to my girlfriend, the ultimate dad.
"Hey, are we venomous?"
The other snake replies, "I'm not sure."
"Well I hope not," the first snake says, "cus I just bit my tongue."
My wife bought a crocodile skin handbag from her. When the bag arrived, turned out to be snake skin... Anna conned her.
Because it doesn't have any hands.
I told him that's a weird way to describe a lizard.
A reptile dysfunction.
Οthon.
Happy Ο day!
**Snake:** Pssst! want an apple?
**Eve:** No thanks, I do not sin.
**Snake:** What's the length of the opposite side of a 30Β° right triangle with a hypotenuse of 20?
**Eve:** 10
**Snake:** Thanksss
**Adam:** How did you calculate that?
**Eve:** Oh no.
"HiΓ"
Sir Pent...
Look, I'm sorry if I'm breaking a rule, but this has been bothering me for decades. From the comments in this sub, most of you have apparently heard every joke a million times before... ;) I thought maybe somebody's heard the punch line for this one...
In the late 80s, we had a CB in our station wagon. My mom was driving me to middle school one morning, and I did a radio check and found a trucker to talk to.
I told him a few tame kiddie jokes, he laughed, and then he said, "Have you heard the one about the snake with the wriggly hips?"
My mom took the speaker away from me and said, "Before you tell that joke, you should know that you're speaking to a ten-year-old girl."
The trucker said, "Oh..." and then went on to tell a different joke.
I have NEVER heard this joke since, or been able to find it online. It's come back to haunt me at random times, like today, so I thought I'd take a shot here. Anybody know this joke?
A reptile dysfunction.
A guy wearing a snake walks up to a hot dog stand and asks for a hot dog for his snake.The woman running the stand says they don't have any buns so it just would be the meat.He says that sorry My anaconda don't want none unless you got buns hun.
Pretzalcoatl
Use only working piadas for adults and blagues for friends. Note that dirty and dark jokes are funny, but use them with caution in real life. You can seriously offend people by saying creepy dark humor words to them.