The Best 80 Snake Jokes

Following is our collection of funny Snake jokes. There are some snake poisonous jokes no one knows (to tell your friends) and to make you laugh out loud.

Take your time to read those puns and riddles where you ask a question with answers, or where the setup is the punchline. We hope you will find these snake lizard puns funny enough to tell and make people laugh.

Top 10 of the Funniest Snake Jokes and Puns

A boy scout says to his scout leader, "Sir, is this snake poisonous?" The scout leader says, "No, that snake's not poisonous at all." So the boy picks up the snake, which bites him and the boy starts to spasm and foam at the mouth as the other kids look on in horror...

The scout leader says, "But that snake is venomous. Poison is ingested or absorbed, while venom is injected. Let's get it right next time, boys."

[garden of eden]


**Snake:** Pssst! want an apple?

**Eve:** No thanks, I do not sin.

**Snake:** What's the length of the opposite side of a 30Β° right triangle with a hypotenuse of 20?

**Eve:** 10

**Snake:** Thanksss

**Adam:** How did you calculate that?

**Eve:** Oh no.

My uncle Larry got bit by a snake.

My uncle Larry got bit by a snake. Not knowing if it was poisonous, he quickly grabbed the creature by the head, bit it in half and drove me, himself and the snake's body to the hospital.

As soon as we got there, the doctor informed us that for future reference proper term was *venomous* and this particular snake was not.

Which would have been a relief, except by that point uncle Larry had died of a poisonous snake bite.

Snake joke, My uncle Larry got bit by a snake.

What do you say when you step on a snake?

FUCKINGFUCKERMOTHERSONAFUCKINGSHITFUCK

An old snake

"Doc, I need something for my eyes...can't see well these days". The Doc fixes him up with a pair of glasses and tells him to return in 2 weeks.

The snake comes back in 2 weeks and tells the doctor he's very depressed.

Doc says, "What's the problem...didn't the glasses help you?"

"The glasses are fine, doc. I just discovered I've been living with a water hose the past 2 years!"


Did you hear about the epileptic snake?

It had a hissy fit.

What do you call an Aztec Mayan snake god tied in a knot?

Pretzalcoatl

Snake joke, What do you call an Aztec Mayan snake god tied in a knot?

On a whim, I bought a snake yesterday at the local pet store...

Last night, I attempted to feed it a freshly grilled hamburger.
Just the patty, no bread.
The thing is, he wouldn't eat it.
As it turns out,
my anaconda don't want none unless you've got buns, Hun.

What do you call a snake that has been knighted?

Sir Pent...

Why was the snake pressed againt the glass at the zoo?

He wanted to be a windshield viper.

We would all be living in paradise if Adam & Eve were Chinese..

Because they would've eaten the snake and not the apple.

You can explore snake thon reddit one liners, including funnies and gags. Read them and you will understand what jokes are funny? Those of you who have teens can tell them clean snake his dad jokes. There are also snake puns for kids, 5 year olds, boys and girls.


What does a German snake say?

ßßßß

What does a German snake sound like?

ßßßßßßßßßßßßßßßßßßßßßßßßßßßßßßßßßßßßßßßßßßßßßßßß....

Boy scout: Sir, I found a snake, is it poisonous?

Me: No little one, this snake isn't poisonous at all

*Snake bites boy and boy immediately starts to spasm and foam at the mouth, leaving the other kids watching, horrified*

Me: However, this snake is venomous. Venom is always injected, poison is ingested or absorbed through the skin. Let's get it right next time lads

A Sheep, a Drum, and a Snake fall off a cliff

Baa-Dumm-Tsss

How do you measure a snake?

In inches. Snakes don't have any feet.

Snake joke, How do you measure a snake?

I can't see how this day could get any worse. First, my baby cousin went missing...

And now my pet snake has a huge tumor

Snake walks into a bar.

And the bartender says ''How did you do that?''

A sheep, a drum, and a snake fell off a cliff.

Ba-dum-tss.


Why can't some snakes get boners?

Because they have a reptile dysfunction.

i've just bought an english snake.

Sir Pent

What do snakes use to build clocks?

Metal Gears

What do you call a snake that works for the government?

A civil Serpent

Why can't an Italian snake talk?

Because it doesn't have any hands.

What do you call a funny snake?

HISSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSTERICAL

^^^my ^^^son ^^^^told ^^^^^me ^^^^^^this ^^^^^^^one..

A sheep,a pot and a snake walk together then fall of a cliff...

*Baah Dum Tssssss*

Snake: *hissssssssss*

Feminist snake: \*herrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr\*

What do you call a snake that's exactly 3.14 meters long?

A Ο€thon

My pet snake just lays around and won't move

I think he's suffering from a reptile dysfunction

What did you call a Mexican snake?

Hisssspanic

No, that snake's not poisonous at all.

A boy scout says to his scout leader, Sir, is this snake poisonous?
The scout leader says, No, that snake's not poisonous at all.

So the boy picks up the snake which bites him, and the boy starts to spasm and foam at the mouth as the other kids look on in horror.

The scout leader says, But that snake is venomous. Poison is ingested or absorbed, while venom is injected. Let's get it right next time, boys.

A SHORT HISTORY OF MEDICINE:

"Doctor, I have an ear ache."

2000 B.C. - "Here, eat this root."
1000 B.C. - "That root is heathen, say this prayer."
1850 A.D. - "That prayer is superstition, drink this potion."
1940 A.D. - "That potion is snake oil, swallow this pill."
1985 A.D. - "That pill is ineffective, take this antibiotic."
2017 A.D. - "That antibiotic is artificial. Here, eat this root!"

What do you call a snake that's 3.14 feet?

A Pi-Thon!

Credit goes to my girlfriend, the ultimate dad.

My girlfriend said she was going to get a massive tattoo of a snake on her back.

"Do it," I said. "But it might hurt you."

"I know," she replied. "But it's only a needle."

"No," I said. "I mean being single."

What do you call a mathematical snake?

A Ο€-thon.

Two snakes are hanging out, when one asks the other...

"Hey, are we venomous?"

The other snake replies, "I'm not sure."

"Well I hope not," the first snake says, "cus I just bit my tongue."

If adam and eve were Chinese

Then we would still be in paradise as they would eat the snake instead of the apple.

My wife

Not many of you know that my wife was bitten by a rattlesnake over the summer, while we were camping. After two days of horrible, writhing agony, the snake died.

What do you call a snake that is 3.14 feet long ?

A Ο€thon

What do you call a limp snake?

A reptile dysfunction.

A snake tells her son, "Go out and get me some scale cream!"

"Why?"

"Because I shed so!"

What do you call it when a snake can't have sex?

A reptile dysfunction.

A goat, a drum, and a snake fell off a cliff..

Baa- dum- ssss

What do you call a floppy snake?

Reptile dysfunction.

A woman tried to order an exotic snake online

A woman tried to order an exotic snake online, but was surprised to find that when the package arrived, it contained only feathered scarves

Looks like the boa cons tricked her

Whatever you do, don't buy anything from eBay seller xx_Anna_xx

My wife bought a crocodile skin handbag from her. When the bag arrived, turned out to be snake skin... Anna conned her.

My wife tried to order an exotic snake online, but was surprised to find that when the package arrived, it contained only feathered scarves...

Looks like the boa cons tricked her...

What do you call an irrational snake?

A Ο€thon

What medication does a snake take before giving a presentation?

An antihissstamine.

A guy walks into a bar and orders a beer.

"I put an ad on Craigslist today trying to sell my pet python," he tells the bartender. "Is it big?" the bartender asks. "It's freakin' huge!" the guy replies. "How many feet?" the bartender asks. "None you idiot," the guy replies. "It's a snake."

What snake is 3.14 metres long?

A Ο€thon.

Boy Scout: Sir, the lads and I found a snake. Is it poisonous?

Me: No, this snake is not poisonous at all.

* one of them picks up the snake, which bites him. He begins to spasm and foam at the mouth.*

Me: However, this snake is very venomous. Venom is always injected, poison is ingested or absorbed through the skin. Let's get it right next time.

I was fishing when I ran out of bait. I saw a small snake nearby trying to swallow a frog and knowing the snake couldn't bite me with the frog in his mouth, I grabbed him right behind the head, took the frog and put it in my bait bucket...

Now, the dilemma was how to release the snake without getting bit, so I grabbed my bottle of Jack Daniels and poured a little whiskey in its mouth.

His eyes rolled back, he went limp.

I released him into the lake without incident and carried on fishing using the frog.

A little later, I felt a nudge on my foot.

It was that snake, with two more frogs...

What do you call a snake that is exactly 3.14 meters long?

A Ο€ thon

Happy pi day. #dadjokes

What kind of snake is 3.14 m long?

A pi-thon.

What do you call a 3.14m long snake?

A Ο€thon.

I got really frustrated and my wife warned me not to cuss when the kids were around.

Me: This is such bull-

Wife: Shhh, say snake instead

Me: Oh right.. This is such snakeshit

Close one

What do you call a snake that is approximately 3.14 feet long?

A Ο€thon

Doctor: Can you describe the snake that bit you?

Patient: Yes. It looked like an angry rope.

What do you call a snake that's 3.14 metres long?

A "Pi"-thon.

(brought to you by the bad puns initiative)

Why don't snakes ever bite lawyers?

Professional courtesy.

A male snake charmer married a female undertaker..

Their bath towels read "Hiss" and "Hearse"

My friend told me he bought a 4 foot snake

I told him that's a weird way to describe a lizard.

A snake walks into a bar

The bartender goes How'd you do that?

What do you call a snake that's exactly 3.14 feet long ?

A pi-thon

What sound does a german snake make

ßßßßßßßß

A little girl goes to the pet store

She ask the owner of the store if he has any bunnies.

Well sure sweetie! He says and takes her to where the bunnies are, I have a few different bunnies I have this white one with floppy ears, or this fluffy little brown one, or I even have this cute one with black spots! What kind of bunny did you have in mind?

So the little girl looks over the bunnies and then back to the pet store owner and replies, quite frankly mister I don't think my snake gives a damn.

A childhood classic my dad used to tell me:

Q. Why was a frog flying?
A. Because he ate a helium baloon.

Q. Then why was a snake flying?
A. Because it ate the flying frog.

Q. Then why was the eagle flying?
A. Because it has wings

What do you call a snake what has been fused with a fruit?

A bananaconda.

A snake walks into a bar.

And the bartender asks him "How the hell did you do that?"

What has the head of a dog, the body of a pig, and the legs of a spider?

My daughter's drawing of a snake.

Why snakes avoid hospitals in US?

Because it "cost an arm and a leg" to enter one !


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Note: this is first dad joke I write and make ... hope it can put some smiles on some of people faces .. have a good evening guys


PS : in a second thought .. I should had made it " **Why snakes can't enter into hospitals in US?** " LOL

What do you call a snake wearing a hard hat?

A boa constructor

Did you hear about the computer nerd who was eaten alive by a giant snake?

Now he's programming in python.

I advertised a python for sale in the paper

a man rang up and said What size is it?
I replied It's quite big

How many feet? he asked,

None, it's a snake...

Tried to show my snake to a girl, but It didn't work

…You could say it was a reptile dysfuntion

My pet snake was sneezing, so i gave it a Claritin. Now it won't speak to me!

I shouldn't have given him an anti-hiss-tamine.

A lamb, a drum and a snake fell of a cliff.

Baah Dumm Tsss

What do you call a snake that's 3.14m long?

A pi-thon

It's pi day!

What do you call a 3.14 meter long snake?

AΟ€thon

Just think that there are jokes based on truth that can bring down governments, or jokes which make girl laugh. Many of the snake rattle jokes and puns are jokes supposed to be funny, but some can be offensive. When jokes go too far, are mean or racist, we try to silence them and it will be great if you give us feedback every time when a joke become bullying and inappropriate.

We suggest to use only working snake pythons piadas for adults and blagues for friends. Some of the dirty witze and dark jokes are funny, but use them with caution in real life. Try to remember funny jokes you've never heard to tell your friends and will make you laugh.

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