Snake Jokes

Following is our collection of thon humor and poisonous one-liner funnies working better than reddit jokes. They include Snake puns for adults, dirty his jokes or clean lizard gags for kids.

There is an abundance of rattle jokes out there. You're fortunate to read a set of the 77 funniest jokes on snake. Full with funny wisecracks it is even funnier than any pythons witze you can hear about snake.

The Best jokes about Snake

A boy scout says to his scout leader, "Sir, is this snake poisonous?" The scout leader says, "No, that snake's not poisonous at all." So the boy picks up the snake, which bites him and the boy starts to spasm and foam at the mouth as the other kids look on in horror...

The scout leader says, "But that snake is venomous. Poison is ingested or absorbed, while venom is injected. Let's get it right next time, boys."

What do you call a snake that's exactly 3.14 meters long?

A Ο€thon

Boy scout: Sir, I found a snake, is it poisonous?

Me: No little one, this snake isn't poisonous at all

*Snake bites boy and boy immediately starts to spasm and foam at the mouth, leaving the other kids watching, horrified*

Me: However, this snake is venomous. Venom is always injected, poison is ingested or absorbed through the skin. Let's get it right next time lads

What do you call a 3.14m long snake?

A Ο€thon.

Snake walks into a bar.

And the bartender says ''How did you do that?''


What does a German snake sound like?

ßßßßßßßßßßßßßßßßßßßßßßßßßßßßßßßßßßßßßßßßßßßßßßßß....

Snake: *hissssssssss*

Feminist snake: \*herrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr\*

A Sheep, a Drum, and a Snake fall off a cliff

Baa-Dumm-Tsss

A goat, a drum, and a snake fell off a cliff..

Baa- dum- ssss

A woman tried to order an exotic snake online

A woman tried to order an exotic snake online, but was surprised to find that when the package arrived, it contained only feathered scarves

Looks like the boa cons tricked her

My pet snake just lays around and won't move

I think he's suffering from a reptile dysfunction


If adam and eve were Chinese

Then we would still be in paradise as they would eat the snake instead of the apple.

My girlfriend said she was going to get a massive tattoo of a snake on her back.

"Do it," I said. "But it might hurt you."

"I know," she replied. "But it's only a needle."

"No," I said. "I mean being single."

A male snake charmer married a female undertaker..

Their bath towels read "Hiss" and "Hearse"

A sheep,a pot and a snake walk together then fall of a cliff...

*Baah Dum Tssssss*

Boy Scout: Sir, the lads and I found a snake. Is it poisonous?

Me: No, this snake is not poisonous at all.

* one of them picks up the snake, which bites him. He begins to spasm and foam at the mouth.*

Me: However, this snake is very venomous. Venom is always injected, poison is ingested or absorbed through the skin. Let's get it right next time.

No, that snake's not poisonous at all.

A boy scout says to his scout leader, Sir, is this snake poisonous?
The scout leader says, No, that snake's not poisonous at all.

So the boy picks up the snake which bites him, and the boy starts to spasm and foam at the mouth as the other kids look on in horror.

The scout leader says, But that snake is venomous. Poison is ingested or absorbed, while venom is injected. Let's get it right next time, boys.

What do you call a snake that is 3.14 feet long ?

A Ο€thon

A guy walks into a bar and orders a beer.

"I put an ad on Craigslist today trying to sell my pet python," he tells the bartender. "Is it big?" the bartender asks. "It's freakin' huge!" the guy replies. "How many feet?" the bartender asks. "None you idiot," the guy replies. "It's a snake."


What do you call a funny snake?

HISSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSTERICAL


^^^my ^^^son ^^^^told ^^^^^me ^^^^^^this ^^^^^^^one..

A SHORT HISTORY OF MEDICINE:

"Doctor, I have an ear ache."


2000 B.C. - "Here, eat this root."
1000 B.C. - "That root is heathen, say this prayer."
1850 A.D. - "That prayer is superstition, drink this potion."
1940 A.D. - "That potion is snake oil, swallow this pill."
1985 A.D. - "That pill is ineffective, take this antibiotic."
2017 A.D. - "That antibiotic is artificial. Here, eat this root!"

Why was the snake pressed againt the glass at the zoo?

He wanted to be a windshield viper.

What do you call a snake that works for the government?

A civil Serpent

Why can't some snakes get boners?

Because they have a reptile dysfunction.

We would all be living in paradise if Adam & Eve were Chinese..

Because they would've eaten the snake and not the apple.

What do you call a limp snake?

A reptile dysfunction.

I got really frustrated and my wife warned me not to cuss when the kids were around.

Me: This is such bull-

Wife: Shhh, say snake instead

Me: Oh right.. This is such snakeshit

Close one

What does a German snake say?

ßßßß

A sheep, a drum, and a snake fell off a cliff.

Ba-dum-tss.

What do you call a snake that is exactly 3.14 meters long?

A Ο€ thon

Happy pi day. #dadjokes

i've just bought an english snake.

Sir Pent

My wife tried to order an exotic snake online, but was surprised to find that when the package arrived, it contained only feathered scarves...

Looks like the boa cons tricked her...

What snake is 3.14 metres long?

A Ο€thon.

An old snake

"Doc, I need something for my eyes...can't see well these days". The Doc fixes him up with a pair of glasses and tells him to return in 2 weeks.

The snake comes back in 2 weeks and tells the doctor he's very depressed.

Doc says, "What's the problem...didn't the glasses help you?"

"The glasses are fine, doc. I just discovered I've been living with a water hose the past 2 years!"

I was fishing when I ran out of bait. I saw a small snake nearby trying to swallow a frog and knowing the snake couldn't bite me with the frog in his mouth, I grabbed him right behind the head, took the frog and put it in my bait bucket...

Now, the dilemma was how to release the snake without getting bit, so I grabbed my bottle of Jack Daniels and poured a little whiskey in its mouth.

His eyes rolled back, he went limp.

I released him into the lake without incident and carried on fishing using the frog.

A little later, I felt a nudge on my foot.

It was that snake, with two more frogs...

What do you call a mathematical snake?

A Ο€-thon.

What do snakes use to build clocks?

Metal Gears

What kind of snake is 3.14 m long?

A pi-thon.

On a whim, I bought a snake yesterday at the local pet store...

Last night, I attempted to feed it a freshly grilled hamburger.
Just the patty, no bread.
The thing is, he wouldn't eat it.
As it turns out,
my anaconda don't want none unless you've got buns, Hun.

A blind rabbit and a blind snake were friends. One day the blind rabbit told the blind snake that he didn't know what he was, because he couldn't see. So he asked the snake for help in determining what he was.

The blind snake slithered up to the blind rabbit, felt it all over and said: You have long, furry ears and a short little tail. You must be a rabbit.

The blind rabbit was delighted with the news, and agreed to repay the favour so that the blind snake could find out what he was.

The blind rabbit felt the blind snake all over and finally declared: You're cold, you're slimy and you don't have any balls. You must be a banker.

I can't see how this day could get any worse. First, my baby cousin went missing...

And now my pet snake has a huge tumor

What did you call a Mexican snake?

Hisssspanic

What do you call a snake that's 3.14 metres long?

A "Pi"-thon.

(brought to you by the bad puns initiative)

How do you measure a snake?

In inches. Snakes don't have any feet.

What do you call a floppy snake?

Reptile dysfunction.

A man is going fishing one day...

After awhile, he runs out of bait. He sees a snake nearby with a frog in its mouth. Knowing that a frog will make good bait, he catches the snake. He removes the frog, and thinks to himself "How do I let the snake go without getting bit?". He ponders for a minute, then, with his free hand, reaches for his bottle of Jack Daniels whiskey. He pops it open and pours some in the snake's mouth. The snake goes limp and the man tosses it away. Later, as he is getting ready to go home, he feels something on his foot. The man looks down to see the snake next to the whiskey, this time with two frogs in its mouth.

A snake walks into a bar

The bartender goes How'd you do that?

A man and his wife were riding to town on a horse driven carriage....(old one i heard from my grandpa)

they come upon a snake in the road. The horse refuses to move any further so the man gets down, throws the snake in the woods and gets the horse moving "that's one" he says. They continue down the path until they come upon a fallen tree, and the horse won't go around. So the man pushes and pushes on the tree to clear the path, climbs back on the carriage and says "that's two" he says and they go on their way. Then they come upon a river, shallow enough for them to cross but the horse simply won't go. So, the man climbs down, and attempts to make the horse go, but it just will not cross the water. The man says"that's three" and shoots the horse there on the spot. His wife, looking on in disgust says to him "that's the terrible! You didn't have to kill the horse! The man looks at her and says"that's one"

The snake and the skunk

A man and his wife are coming to America with their pet snake and pet skunk. As they are walking up to the gate, about to board the airplane, they read a sign that says no pets allowed through customs. The wife gets a little distressed and asks the husband, "What are we going to do?" After thinking for a few minutes he comes up with the solution that he'll wrap the snake around his waist and act like it's a snake skin belt. She nods her head in approval. Then the husband says, "You hide the skunk up your skirt". Worried, she says, "Well what about the smell?" He says "It doesn't matter if it dies"

Two Hunters


A classic...

Two hunters are out shooting turkey. One of them takes a leak, and gets bitten by a big black rattlesnake. The other hunter shoots the snake, but is too late: his friend got deeply bit on his wiener.

So, he calls 911 and proceeds to explain the situation: "my friend got bit by a rattlesnake, blablabla, what should I do?"

- Relax, sir. We're sending a helicopter right away. In the meantime, we need you to suck on the bite so as to take the venom out. It's the only way to make sure he won't die. You heard me? The only way you can keep him alive is sucking on the bite! You can save him!

- O.K thank you!"

The hunter that got bit then proceeds to say:
- "So? What did they tell you?"

And the other responds:
- "They say you're going to die"

Doctor: Can you describe the snake that bit you?

Patient: Yes. It looked like an angry rope.

What do you call a snake that is approximately 3.14 feet long?

A Ο€thon

My uncle Larry got bit by a snake.

My uncle Larry got bit by a snake. Not knowing if it was poisonous, he quickly grabbed the creature by the head, bit it in half and drove me, himself and the snake's body to the hospital.

As soon as we got there, the doctor informed us that for future reference proper term was *venomous* and this particular snake was not.

Which would have been a relief, except by that point uncle Larry had died of a poisonous snake bite.

What do you call an irrational snake?

A Ο€thon

A guy goes into a restaurant with his pet snake...

...and they sit down and the man orders.

"25 Hamburgers. Two for me, and the rest for my pet snake."

A little while later, the waitress brings the man his two hamburgers, and for the snake, a large plate with 23 cooked beef patties, nothing more.

The snake takes one look at the patties and turns away in disgust. The man asks the waitress, "You have to put them on hamburger buns like a regular hamburger for him."

The waitress protests, "But sir, we're short on hamburger buns as it is, and can snakes even eat bread?"

The man replies, "Look, my anaconda don't want none unless you got buns, hun."

What do you say when you step on a snake?

FUCKINGFUCKERMOTHERSONAFUCKINGSHITFUCK

My wife

Not many of you know that my wife was bitten by a rattlesnake over the summer, while we were camping. After two days of horrible, writhing agony, the snake died.

A guy goes fishing one morning but after a short time runs out of worms.

Just then he sees a cotton-mouth snake in the water with a frog in his mouth. Frogs are good bass bait. Knowing the snake couldn't bite with the frog in his mouth, the guy grabs him right behind the head, takes the frog, and puts the snake in his bait bucket.

Now the dilemma was how to release the snake without getting bit. So, the guy snatches his bottle of Jack Daniels and pours a little whiskey in the snake's mouth. His eyes roll back and he goes limp. The guy releases him into the lake without incident and carries on fishing using the frog.

A little later, he feels nudge on his foot. It was that snake, with two more frogs.

What medication does a snake take before giving a presentation?

An antihissstamine.

Why don't snakes ever bite lawyers?

Professional courtesy.

A snake tells her son, "Go out and get me some scale cream!"

"Why?"

"Because I shed so!"

Did you hear about the epileptic snake?

It had a hissy fit.

Johnny's Anatomy Lesson

One day, little Johnny asks his mother, "Mommy, can I take a shower with you today?" She replies "Okay Johnny, but there's one rule: you can't look up." But of course, as soon as Johnny and his mother get into the shower, he looks up. "Mommy, Mommy, what is that?!" He cries. "Well Johnny, that's Mommy's grass." She Replies.

The next day, little Johnny asks his mother again, "Mommy, can I take a shower with you today?" She replies "Okay Johnny, but there's one rule: you can't look up." But once again, as soon as Johnny and his mother get into the shower, he looks up. "Mommy, Mommy, what are those?!" He cries. "Well Johnny, those are Mommy's headlights." She replies.

The next day, little Johnny asks his father, "Daddy, can I take a shower with you today?" He replies "Okay Johnny, but there's one rule: you can't look up." But yet again, as soon as Johnny and his father get into the shower, he looks up. "Daddy, Daddy, what is that?!" He cries. "Well Johnny, that's Daddy's snake." he replies.

Later that night, little Johnny can't fall asleep, so he gets into bed with his mother and father. Suddenly, he cries out "Mommy, Mommy, turn on your headlights, there's a snake in the grass!"



There ya go folks, the first dirty joke I ever heard.

What do you call a snake that's 3.14 feet?

A Pi-Thon!

Credit goes to my girlfriend, the ultimate dad.

Two snakes are hanging out, when one asks the other...

"Hey, are we venomous?"

The other snake replies, "I'm not sure."

"Well I hope not," the first snake says, "cus I just bit my tongue."

Whatever you do, don't buy anything from eBay seller xx_Anna_xx

My wife bought a crocodile skin handbag from her. When the bag arrived, turned out to be snake skin... Anna conned her.

Why can't an Italian snake talk?

Because it doesn't have any hands.

My friend told me he bought a 4 foot snake

I told him that's a weird way to describe a lizard.

What do you call it when a snake can't have sex?

A reptile dysfunction.

A 3.14 m long snake is

Ο€thon.
Happy Ο€ day!

[garden of eden]


**Snake:** Pssst! want an apple?

**Eve:** No thanks, I do not sin.

**Snake:** What's the length of the opposite side of a 30Β° right triangle with a hypotenuse of 20?

**Eve:** 10

**Snake:** Thanksss

**Adam:** How did you calculate that?

**Eve:** Oh no.

What noise does a German snake make?

"Hiß"

What do you call a snake that has been knighted?

Sir Pent...

Did you hear the one about the snake with the wriggly hips?

Look, I'm sorry if I'm breaking a rule, but this has been bothering me for decades. From the comments in this sub, most of you have apparently heard every joke a million times before... ;) I thought maybe somebody's heard the punch line for this one...

In the late 80s, we had a CB in our station wagon. My mom was driving me to middle school one morning, and I did a radio check and found a trucker to talk to.

I told him a few tame kiddie jokes, he laughed, and then he said, "Have you heard the one about the snake with the wriggly hips?"

My mom took the speaker away from me and said, "Before you tell that joke, you should know that you're speaking to a ten-year-old girl."

The trucker said, "Oh..." and then went on to tell a different joke.

I have NEVER heard this joke since, or been able to find it online. It's come back to haunt me at random times, like today, so I thought I'd take a shot here. Anybody know this joke?

What do you call a broken snake?

A reptile dysfunction.

snake joke

A guy wearing a snake walks up to a hot dog stand and asks for a hot dog for his snake.The woman running the stand says they don't have any buns so it just would be the meat.He says that sorry My anaconda don't want none unless you got buns hun.

What do you call an Aztec Mayan snake god tied in a knot?

Pretzalcoatl

Use only working piadas for adults and blagues for friends. Note that dirty and dark jokes are funny, but use them with caution in real life. You can seriously offend people by saying creepy dark humor words to them.

Joko Jokes