snails Jokes

funny pick up lines and hilarious snails puns

Why do French people eat snails?

Because they don't like fast food.


I bought myself a snail to race other snails..

I took its shell off to see if it would go any faster.
If anything it just made it more sluggish


A sloth named Herman is walking through the forest one day.

A gang of snails approach him and beat him up. Herman is left at the bottom of a tree with several cuts and bruises. Several hours later he gathers up enough strength to go to a local police station. Herman walks into the Sergeant's office.

"What happened to you? the officer asks.
"A gang of snails beat me up," Herman replied.
"Can you describe what they looked like?"

"I don't know," the sloth says. "It all happened so fast."


Why do French people eat snails?

Because they hate fast food.


A mugged turtle..

A turtle is crossing the road when he's mugged by two snails. When the police show up, they ask him what happened. The shaken turtle replies, I don't know. It all happened so fast.


A man and his wife decide to host a dinner party at their oceanfront home...

…the wife needs some hors d'oeuvres to serve to their guests, so asks the man to go down to the beach to collect some snails. The man grabs a bucket and goes down to fill his bucket with snails.

He has had a very long day, and is actually quite tired, so (against his better judgment) decides to take a quick power-nap in the sand. Upon awakening, he realizes that he has been asleep for a few hours and the dinner party is almost over! His wife will be pissed! He takes off running for the house.

He runs up the stairs of the porch and just as he reaches the top step, he trips and spills the bucket of snails all over the porch. Just then, his wife whips open the door and shouts, "WHAT TOOK YOU SO LONG?!?!"

He quickly looks around to all the snails scattered around the porch and says, "C'mon guys, we're almost there!!"


Never remove the shells from racing snails

it makes them sluggish


A turtle is crossing the road....

when he is mugged by two snails. When the police show up they ask him what happened. The shaken turtle replies "I don't all happened so fast!"


A man and his snails

One day, a gentleman's wife is planning on hosting a dinner party and wants to class it up a bit, so she sends her husband out to pick up some snails for escargot. He picks up the snails and starts heading home, but on the way, the gentleman runs into an old friend and stops to chat for a minute.

The two get to chatting and the friend suggests, "Wanna grab a pint?" To which the man replies, "No, I should really be getting back, my wife'll be pissed if I'm late for her dinner." So after some more minor prodding the man, of course, goes out for the one, snails in hand. The fellas get to drinking and lose track of time, drinking into the night until the man looks up at the clock and realizes, "Shit! I'm 4 hours late for the fuckin dinner!" So he snatches up his bag of snails and tears down the street to home.

As the man starts up his walk, stumbling and plastered, he trips on the front steps, raising a cacophony of sound and alerting his wife to his beleaguered presence. She slams open the door, looks down at the drunk, and damn near explodes.

"Where the hell have you been?! You're four hours late for dinner! Explain yourself, ya drunk bastard!"

The man, knowing he's fucked and looking down at his sad state and the snails scattered all about, decides to take the chance. Raising his fist and adopting a motivational tone, he says with a dare, "Five feet more lads, we're almost there!"


What do you do if you see two snails fighting

Nothing, just let them slug it out


A man is sent by his wife to buy some snails for their fancy French dinner party

While at the grocery, he meets a beautiful woman and they start chatting. One thing leads to another and he ends up at her house.

The following morning he wakes with a start and rushes home. In his haste he drops the bucket of snails against his front door.

Hearing the commotion, his wife flings the door open and stares angrily at him. 'Where the hell have you been?!'

The man, thinking fast, looks around at the snails and says, 'Come on guys! We're nearly there!'


A turtle was walking down an alley in New York

when he was mugged by a gang of snails. A police detective came to investigate and asked the turtle if he could explain what happened.

The turtle looked at the detective with a confused look on his face and replied I don't know, it all happened so fast.


My wife saw a French cookery program on TV... she sent me out at lunchtime to buy some snails. I got the bus into town, found a deli, and bought a bag of snails.

As I was walking back to the bus-stop, I bumped into one of my mates. "Kinygos, how's it going? I was just talking with the boys about you. Hey, they're still at the pub, come on, let's go see them."

"I'm sorry man, I can't...I've gotta get these bad boys back to the missus"

"Oh come on dude, just one drink"

So that night, around midnight, I'm staggering back home, get to my house, bump into my gate, accidentally tear the bag I'm carrying dropping the snails all over the path. Just then, the front door bursts open, and my wife is standing there raging.

Quick as a flash, I looked down at the snails and said "Come on lads, not far to go"



A husband and wife have been at odds with each other over the husband's endless drinking and stopping out late. To get their marriage back on track, the wife decides to make a romantic french dinner with Snails to start so she sends her husband out saying 'right, please can you buy me these snails from town, be back home soon and, for god's sake, stay out of the pub!'.

The Husband obliges and after buying the snails, decides he's probably be okay just to stop by the pub only for a quick drink. Well, one leads to another, and another and another and before long it's well past dinner time. Looking at his watch he quickly realises he should have been back hours ago, panicking he dashes home and throws all the snails across the garden path. His wife greets him at the door looking furious saying 'Where on earth have you been!?' to which the husband responds 'Come on Lads! We're almost there!'.


I'm currently studying snails and slugs.

It's safe to say I'm a slow learner.


I went to a fancy restaurant last night and a man was complaining about his escargot.

The waiter just shrugged it off. "I'm sorry sir," the waiter told him. "All snails are final."


Why don't snails use the internet?

Salt is bad for their health.


Jacque the Snail

Jacque is a snail. Snails are not known for their excessive speed. Jacque has always dreamed of going fast, faster than any snail ever has before. Jacque has been saving his money for years so he can buy a super fast sports car and impress all his little snail friends.

Finally, Jacque goes down to the Porsche dealer. He sees a beautiful car, the Boxster. He tells the dealer, "I like that one." The dealer laughs and says, "My dear snail, don't you want to go fast? You need the Porsche Boxster-S!" He seems very proud of the S. Jacque agrees, and finally he is sitting in the car of his dreams, a Boxster-S. He pays for it. Cash, because this snail don't play around. He's ready to take his brand new sports car for a speedy run down the coast.

As he is driving, going well over 100 mph, much faster than any snail in the history of snails has ever gone, he flies past two French people walking on the side of the road. One Frenchman says to the other, "Wow! Look at that S-car go!"


My all time favorite joke that my dad told me: The Unfaithful Husband and His Snails

This married couple decided to stay in one night instead of going out to eat, and so the wife looks at the husband and says, Sweetheart, I feel like escargo tonight. Can you go get some fresh snails?" So the husband agrees and takes a bucket over to the beach to find some snails. Just as he put the last snail in his bucket, he saw these gorgeous women looking in his direction, so he decided to go and say hello. After much flirting, they girls invited him back to their apartment, to which of course he obliged. They end up having the wildest craziest sex imaginable, all three of them. But the husband looked up and realized he'd been gone for hours and it was almost dinner time and he hadn't even brought back the snails! So he grabbed his bucket of snails and ran back home, not stopping the entire way. Just as he made his way up the stairs to his house, he tripped on the last step and the snails went flying everywhere just as his wife opened the door. Before she could ask where he had been all day, the husband got down on his hands and knees and says to the snails, C'mon little guys, we're almost there! You can make it!"


Why do french people love to eat snails?

Because they can't stand fast food


Why did the Frenchman put snails in his gas tank?

To make escargot.


My mom asked me to buy some snails.

It's friday evening. And my mom asks me if i want to eat snails at a restaurant. I tell her i feel like eating home. Ah oke then, I'll make snails for dinner if you get them for me at the market. Oke, sure. Quickly I walk to the market to buy some snails. So i buy the snails, and put them in my breast pocket. While walking home i see my friend sitting in a pub. He sees me and waves. Oke 1 beer then, before i go home.

At 4 AM I am walking home drunk as hell. In front of my house door I trip, and all the snails fall out my breastpocket. At that moment my mom opens the door and yells, "WHERE HAVE YOU BEEN?!".

So i quickly look down, and say "come on guys, almost there!".


snail and the turtles

so a snails walking home late one night through a seedy neighborhood. When a few young punk turtles come up and jump the guy. i mean really beat the living shit outa our ol pal the snail. he wakes up a few days later in the hospital and the cops are right there pressing him for information "What happened? what did the guys look like who jumped you?"
"i..i don't just all happened so fast"


A few fresh snails

Tom's wife was hosting a dinner party for some of her close friends, at their summer home. Moment's before the guests were scheduled to arrive, she asked Tom if he would be ever so gracious to walk a block down some fresh snails for the party.

On his way to the beach he passed the local bar, and figured he'd stop in for a quick drink before heading down to the beach to search for the snails. One drink lead to the next, and before he knew it, it was 5:00 in the morning and he hadn't gotten his wife those snails.

Quickly he hurried down, picked up a few snails, rushed home, and stumbled up the front steps, dropping the snails. At that moment, his wife angrily opened the door asking him where he had been and how he had ruined her party.

Tom, looked towards the snails and said C'mon you slow pokes! Just a few more steps and we're there!


[NSFW] Why do women have legs?

Have you seen the mess snails make?


So a turtle gets mugged by two snails on his way home

When the police finally show up they ask the turtle,

"Mr. Turtle, tell us everything!"

The turtle responds with fear still in his eyes,

"I can't officer, it all happened so fast!"


The Snail Salesman

The traveling snail salesman delivered snails to restaurants in his station wagon. After travelling and working for half the day, he stopped at a gas station for a cup of coffee. When he came out he found his car was no longer there. The snail salesman cried out "Where did my escargot cargo car go?!"


Why do French people eat snails?

Because they are afraid of Fast Food.


A turtle got mugged by a gang of snails...

In the aftermath the police officer asked the turtle for details.
Trembling, the turtle mutters, "I... I don't know. It all just... happened so fast!"


Snail hunting

This is an old joke my father used to tell me.

A German, Spaniard, and Frenchman all decide to go snail hunting. After an hour had passed they meet back together to compare their catch. The German had a full bucket and the Spaniard had half a bucket, but the Frenchman's bucket was empty.

"Where are your snails?"

"I found a lot of them, but every time I leaned over to grab one, WHOOOOOSH it was gone"


Why do they serve snails at fancy French restaurants?

Because it is not fast food!



A snail walks into a car dealership. The car salesman greets the snail politely and asks what he's looking for. The snail says that he just wants a really fast car, and the salesman shows him the ones with a high max speed. He slaps the roof of one, and says this is the last one that's built for speed . The snail says, This is perfect, but there's one thing I want you to do first. The car salesman was confused. What? The snail said, I want you to paint a big red S on it. The car salesman was even more confused. Why? Chuckling, the snail said, So when people see me driving, they would say 'look at that S car go!'


A duck waddles into a store, asks for some snails.

The woman behind the counter asks, "Wait, ducks don't carry cash, do they?"

The duck replies, "No, but you can put them on my bill."


Famous snails

"Our restaurant's snails are world-famous.

I know, one of them's just been serving me.


What did the Mexican guy say after he was caught on the train with a suitcase full of cooked snails?

Es cargo


What are the most funny Snails jokes of all time ?

Did you ever wanted to stand out with a good sense of humour joking with someone about Snails? Well, here are the best Snails dad jokes to laugh out loud. Crazy funny puns and Snails pick up lines to share with friends.

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