The host asks him, "And what are you?"
The guy says, " I'm a snail."
The host says "And who's that on your back?"
"That's Michelle!"
It only made it more sluggish.
Unfortunately, it only made it more sluggish.
Turned out it had the opposite effect, now he's a little sluggish.
So I took off its shell. If anything it became a lot more sluggish.
But it's actually more sluggish...
It never won though. To improve its performance I removed its shell but, if anything, it made it more sluggish
And he asks the salesman about car customization. He shows the salesman a car that he's thinking about buying, but there's something he wants to change about it. The salesman asks him what it is, and the snail tells him he wants the letter 'S' painted on the doors, roof, and windows, as large as possible. The salesman wonders why, and the snail responds:
"Because when I drive down the street, I want to hear people say 'hey, look at that S-car-go!'"
I tried taking his shell off but it only made him more sluggish.
...if anything, it made him more sluggish
He's actually more sluggish now.
If anything he seems more sluggish!
A snail is heading home from work, very late one night. He gets mugged by a turtle. The policeman says "Can you describe the guy?" The snail says "I don't know . . . it all happened so fast."
To make him more aero-dynamic I took off its shell. If anything it made him more sluggish
Because they don't have fast food.
My friend owned a racing snail. It never won any races so he removed the shell to make it go faster. Sadly it didn't work, if anything it made it more sluggish
This guy goes to a Halloween costume party, but he's just wearing street clothes, and he has his girlfriend sitting on his shoulders.
The host says to him, Dude, this is a Halloween party! You're supposed to be wearing a costume?
The guy replies, I am wearing a costume! I'm a snail!
You're a snail?
Yeah, I'm a snail, says the guy. Then he points to his girlfriend and says, This is Michelle.
I decided to remove its shell to try and speed it up, if anything it made it more sluggish.
But, unfortunately, it just made him more sluggish.
I took its shell off to see if it would go any faster.
If anything it just made it more sluggish
... thinking it would make it go faster. If anything it just made it more sluggish.
My racing snail hadn't been out for a while, so i took his shell off to make him more streamlined. Unfortunately, it just made him more sluggish.
If anything it made it more sluggish.
He was really slow like, so one day I took off his shell, thought it'd make him more streamlined. Turns out it didn't. It made him more sluggish.
What did the snail say while on top of a turtle? Weeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!
for being so slow. Eventually, he just couldn't take it anymore and went to the nearest car dealership.
"I want the fastest sports car you have," he told the salesman, "and make sure to paint a huge 'S' on it, so everyone will know its Mr Snail's car!"
So now, every time Mr Snail drives past the insects, speeding like a maniac, all the insects look and say: "Wow, look at that 'S' car go!"
On Halloween, a man shows up to his friend's costume party in the nude carrying a woman on his back. His friend answers the door and shockingly asks, "what are you supposed to be?!"
The man says, "I'm a snail."
With an obvious look of disdain on his face, his friend asks, "well, who is she?"
The man answers, "Michelle."
I guess it was my first crush.
because I thought it would move around quicker. Now it's just really sluggish
But it just made it more sluggish.
It runs against Hillary.
When the police come, they look around to see if there are any witnesses, they only see a snail on the sidewalk. The police approach the snail and ask him if he could tell them what he saw. To which the snail replied, "well, it happened so fast..."
and is immediately greeted by a salesman.
"I want your finest car", says the snail.
So the salesman drives up in a brand new, pearl white fully loaded Rolls Royce.
The snail is very excited. "Excellent. Now before I pay for this car, is there something else you can do for me?"
The salesman is about to wet himself from the sweet commission he's about to get. "What do you need?"
The snail replies "I want you to take this black paint, and cover the entire car with hundreds of S's."
The man is flabergasted. "but sir, that would look horrible...why would you want to defile such a beautiful and expensive car?"
The snail responded proudly, "When I'm driving down the street, I want people to stop, point at my car and say 'wow...look at that S car go!'"
Nothing, just let them slug it out
There once was a handsome, sentient snail. One day, he passed by a local convenience store and decided to enter in a lottery. A week later, he discovered he had won!
With his new fortune, he bought a brand new car. As it sat in his garage, he couldn't help thinking it lacked a little pizzaz. He found a bucket of paint and paintbrush and painted an enormous "S" for "snail" on the car.
He decided to go for a drive. As he happily drove down the street, the onlookers said...
"Look at that S car go."
A woman sends her husband out to buy escargot for a a dinner party that night, but instead of going straight to the store, the husband decides to stop at the local bar. He has a few beers, and then some more, and pretty soon he looks at his watch and he's over an hour late for the dinner party. He dashes to the store, picks up the escargot and frantically drives home. When he walks in the door he can hear his wife coming from the kitchen. So he takes the bag of snails and throws them all over the floor. When his wife walks in the room, he says, "Come on guys, we're almost there!"
It's pretty much a downward spiral.
I Thought He Would Go Faster But It Only Made Him 'Sluggish'.
when he hears a knock at the door. He opens the door and a small snail is at the door.
The man picks up the snail and throws it as far as possible.
three years later later, the man is sitting in his house watching tv when he hears a knock at the door.
He opens the door and it's the same snail!
The snail says "What the heck was that for?!"
if anything, he made it more sluggish.
A husband and wife have been at odds with each other over the husband's endless drinking and stopping out late. To get their marriage back on track, the wife decides to make a romantic french dinner with Snails to start so she sends her husband out saying 'right, please can you buy me these snails from town, be back home soon and, for god's sake, stay out of the pub!'.
The Husband obliges and after buying the snails, decides he's probably be okay just to stop by the pub only for a quick drink. Well, one leads to another, and another and another and before long it's well past dinner time. Looking at his watch he quickly realises he should have been back hours ago, panicking he dashes home and throws all the snails across the garden path. His wife greets him at the door looking furious saying 'Where on earth have you been!?' to which the husband responds 'Come on Lads! We're almost there!'.
go to a costume party. When they show up Michelle is clinging to Mark's back. Someone greets them and asks what they're supposed to be. Mark says that he's a snail. The other guy asks "who's on your back?" Mark replies "Michelle"
Some of my personal favorite ones:
A snail gets mugged by a gang of turtles. When the police show up and ask what happened the snail say " I don't know, it happened so fast..."
A woman gets on a bus with her baby. The bus driver say "That's the ugliest baby I've ever seen. ugh!" The woman goes to the rear of the bus and sits down, fuming. She says to the man next to her "The driver just insulted me!" The man say, "you go right up there and tell him off--I'll hold your monkey for you."
A couple from Minneapolis decided to go to Florida to thaw out during one particularly icy winter. They planned to stay at the very same hotel where they spent their honeymoon 20 years earlier. Because of hectic schedules, it was difficult to co-ordinate their travel schedules...so, the husband left Minnesota and flew to Florida on Thursday, with his wife flying down the following day. The husband checked into the hotel. There was a computer in his room so he decided to send an e-mail to his wife. However, he accidentally left out one letter in her email address and without realizing his error he sent the e mail to somewhere in Houston. A widow had just returned home from her husband's funeral. He was a minister of many years who was called home to glory following a sudden heart attack. The widow decided to check her email, expecting messages from relatives and friends. After reading the first message, she fainted. Her son rushed into the room and found his mother on the floor and couldn't imagine what happened to her until he looked up at the computer screen and read...
TO: My Loving Wife
Subject: I've arrived
Date: January 12, 2008.
I know you're surprised to hear from me. They have computers here now and you are allowed to send emails to your loved ones. I've just arrived and have been checked in. I see that everything has been prepared for your arrival tomorrow. Looking forward to seeing you then. Hope your journey is as uneventful as mine was. Your Loving Husband
P.S. Sure is hot down here!!
And finally,
A man goes into the confessional box. He finds on one wall a small bar with Guinness on tap. On the other wall is a box of the finest Cuban cigars. On the seat is the latest copy of Playboy. Finally, the priest comes in. "Father, forgive me, for it's been a very long time since I've been to confession, but I must first admit that the confessional box is much more inviting these days." The priest replies, "Get out. You're on the my side."
So when he drove by people would say, "Hey, look at that S car go!"
If anything , it made him more sluggish
...and said,"I want your most expensive car."
The salesman said,"Very well sir. Is that all?"
The snail said,"No. I'd like it to have a custom paint job." The salesman said,"Yes sir. What do you want the car to look like?"
The snail said,"I'd like every door painted
with a large letter S." The salesman said,"May I ask why,for reasons of curiosity?"
The snail said,"Because when I drive down the street,I want every single head to turn,and for them to all say: 'Look at that
S car go!'"
Salt is bad for their health.
The snail's father asked him: "What happened?"
"I don't know... It all happened so fast..."
Jacque is a snail. Snails are not known for their excessive speed. Jacque has always dreamed of going fast, faster than any snail ever has before. Jacque has been saving his money for years so he can buy a super fast sports car and impress all his little snail friends.
Finally, Jacque goes down to the Porsche dealer. He sees a beautiful car, the Boxster. He tells the dealer, "I like that one." The dealer laughs and says, "My dear snail, don't you want to go fast? You need the Porsche Boxster-S!" He seems very proud of the S. Jacque agrees, and finally he is sitting in the car of his dreams, a Boxster-S. He pays for it. Cash, because this snail don't play around. He's ready to take his brand new sports car for a speedy run down the coast.
As he is driving, going well over 100 mph, much faster than any snail in the history of snails has ever gone, he flies past two French people walking on the side of the road. One Frenchman says to the other, "Wow! Look at that S-car go!"
The only witness was a snail. When interviewed by police the snail explained he didnt see anything as it all happened so fast.
But it just made him more *sluggish*
...when he hears the doorbell ring.
He opens the door, and sees a snail on the doorstep.
"What do you want?" says the man.
"Sir, I am wondering whether you may be interested in some new roller shutters for your home."
The man, furious at being constantly harassed by salesmen, takes a step back, winds up, and kicks the snail as far as he can, then slams the door.
Two years later, the man is sitting on his couch again, when he once again hears the doorbell. He opens the door, and there on the doorstep is the snail, looking puffed out and disheveled, who says to the man,
"What did you do that for?!"
A Snailor
He goes up to the dealer and he says, "Alright, I want it cherry red, with white-walls, and leather seats, and I want a *big* 'S' painted on the the side." After he rings it the dealer looks at him and he says "I understand white-walls and leather seats, but why the letter 'S' on the side? "Well" the snail says "When I drive by in my new car, I want people to say 'look at that S car go!'
I don't know either, but it sure won't be good for your vegetable garden.
It takes a look at the new sportscar. The salesman says the snail would look pretty cool in the new sportscar and the snail agrees.
Salesman asked the snail about option packages, rustproofing...you know the deal. The snail says no to everything offered, but says he wants one thing done to the car...to have 'S' painted all over the car. Salesman, confused, asks why would you want 'S' painted all over your brand new sportscar??? Snail replies "So when I drive by, everybody will say look at that 'S' car go...."
Where did Es-car-go.
He goes to the police, who ask him for a description of the attackers.
"To be honest, it all happened so fast..."
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