Smug Jokes
34 smug jokes and hilarious smug puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about smug that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.
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Funniest Smug Short Jokes
Short smug jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The smug humour may include short grumpy jokes also.
- So the iPhone 7 gets arrested... He puts on his earpods and smugly declares "sorry, you can't charge me while I'm using my headphones".
- My teacher used to tell me that I would never amount to anything by looking out of the window all day Man did I feel smug as I passed him his burger and fries at the drive-through last night
- I remember my teacher telling me that looking out of the window wouldn't get me anywhere. Boy, did I have a smug look later when I handed him his burger and fries at the drive-thru!
- I challenged a guy to a game of Pool. "The winner gets to sleep with my girlfriend," I declared.
Boy, did he look smug when he won.
Jokes on him though, I don't have a girlfriend. - A phone gets thrown into a jail cell His cell mate looks at him and asks "what are you being charged with?"
The phone looks smugly at his cell mate and replies "Battery" - I turned in my letter of resignation to my smug supervisor at the refrigeration plant. He accepted it with his usual air of condensation.
- My teacher always said looking out of windows would never get me anywhere in life. Did I have a smug look on my face when I handed him his Big Mac from the drive thru window.
- I'm not worried at all about this Ebola crisis. I've just purchased the new 2015 edition of Norton Antivirus. Feeling pretty smug.
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Smug One Liners
Which smug one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with smug? I can suggest the ones about sitting smiling and mugger.
- What did the arrogant person get when he got to jail? A smug shot
- What do you call a smug criminal going down stairs? A Condescending Con Descending.
- Why was the guy with a monkey on his back so smug? He had a chimp on his shoulder.
The Funniest Smug Jokes for a Bone-Shaking Laugh
What funny jokes about smug you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean humble jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make smug pranks.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
There are 10 types of people in the world
The ones who understand binary and the ones who don't. And apparently eight more the guy wouldn't tell me about. Smug git
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
I don't understand how so many people struggle to find basic words in the dictionary.
I had no less than 5 people tell me that "gullible" is not in the dictionary. The smug a**... just laughed when I proved their dumb a**... wrong.
I was at my divorce settlement yesterday, when I announced I would like to make a suggestion...
They agreed, so I told them, "She can have the car, the house, all the funds in our joint account and full custody of our children on one condition... I get to keep whatever I have in my pocket."
"It's a deal!" my wife said, with a smug look on her face.
"You obviously didn't check the lottery numbers last night, did you?"
Joke my ADHD brain thought of out of nowhere
So the Hogwarts police confiscated a coffee cup suspecting it of dangerous enchantments. Turns out the police that grabbed it drank a bit too much butterbeer. It was just a normal coffee cup that belonged to some arrogant human thief.
It was a smug muggle mugger's mug.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A ghost says to his ghostfriend..
"I don't think I'm gonna enter the next ghost-race.."
"Why not?" Asked the ghost-friend.
"Because I've lost every other one!" He cries sullenly.
"I believe in you, so enter the next ghost-race!"
"..Yeah. Yeah! I **can** do this!" Cried the ghost, filled with motivation.
Smug, the ghost friend said;
"That's the spirit!"
You might be able to use a smuggled cell phone in prison.
You just have to have cell coverage.
Banana
A shopkeeper puts up a sign advertising a deal on bananas: one banana for $3 or three bananas for $10.
A man takes a look at the sign and notices that the bundle is a bad deal, so he decides to order one banana, then another banana, then one more, saving $1. Feeling smug, he asks the shopkeeper why she would have the three pack cost more. "Aren't you losing money?" He asked.
The shopkeeper responds, "you just paid $9 for three bananas, didn't you?"
Why major in philosophy?
Why major in philosophy?
- can be smug after only 2-3 classes
- only major where you finish knowing less than when you started
- generally better beards than psychology
- can't find a job, but then again what even is a job?
You know how to smuggle something in a golf ball?
First, you have to get a hole in one...
The new broom
Mom: "honey, I didn't see you use the super broom I bought you last year once....have you used it at all?"
Dad: "no I haven't needed to, it's doing its job perfectly where it is."
Mom: "what do you mean it's doing its job, you haven't even touched it for a whole year......?!?"
Dad: {smug face}...it's gathering dust just fine...{smuggier face}"
Mom: "{very angry face} \*storms out of the room mumbling to herself\*"
Dad: "\*winks at me\*"
How do you smuggle a cheeseburger into prison?
Between 2 buns
What's the best way to smuggle avacado toast across the galaxy?
On the millennial falcon.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Raise your hand if you're wearing underwears or p**... with holes in them...
For those smug individuals that did not raise their hand, I'm curious how you inserted your legs in them if they have no holes? Unless you're wrapping a handkerchief.
Smugglers have began hiding drugs in the soles of their shoes. You shouldn't trust them
They're probably laced
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
What do you get when somebody smuggles w**... into the special ed classroom?
Baked potatoes.
Smuggling one avocado into the US will make your day
Smuggling two will make your hole weak.
An antivaxx mom dies and goes to heaven. She notices that it was God himself walking to greet her, along with her two kids. They're all smiling. Feeling real smug about herself,
She runs toward them but Is suddenly stopped by an invisible force.
As God and her two kids got nearer though, they stopped smiling and had a puzzled look on their faces. Suddenly, they burst out in joyful laughter, just as St. Peter materialises beside them all.
Oh Pete, you really do know how to make us laugh! Exclaimed God. That's enough now, send her back down!
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Smuggling 3 grams of w**... into America will make your day
Smuggling an ounce will make you hole weak
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
An anti-semite is drinking in a bar
An anti-semite is drinking in a bar. He notices a Jew sitting at a table nearby and doesn't like it.
"Bartender!" he says, nodding at the Jew, "A round of the good stuff for everyone except him!"
Everyone happily receives a glass of premium scotch.
The anti-semite looks over at the Jew with a smug grin.
The Jew smiles back.
The anti-semite loses his satisfied expression.
"Bartender! Give everyone a drink of your finest, plus an appetizer!"
He looks directly at the Jew and adds, "Everyone except the Jew."
The Jewish man looks at the anti-semite, and smiles again.
Furious, the anti-semite says, "Is that Jew just s**... or pretending to be?"
"Oh no, sir, he's the owner."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
An anti-semite goes to a bar
An anti-semite is drinking in a bar. He notices a Jew sitting at a table nearby and doesn't like it. "Bartender!" he says, nodding at the Jew, "A round of the good stuff for everyone except him!" Everyone happily receives a glass of premium scotch. The anti-semite! looks over at the Jew with a smug grin. The Jew smiles back. The anti-semite loses his satisfied expression. "Bartender! Give everyone a drink of your finest, plus an appetizer!" He looks directly at the Jew and adds, "Everyone except the Jew." The Jewish man looks at the anti-semite, and smiles again. Furious, the anti-semite says, "Is that Jew just s**... or pretending to be?" "Oh no, sir, he's the owner."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
An anti-semite goes to a bar
An anti-semite is drinking in a bar. He notices a Jew sitting at a table nearby and doesn't like it.
"Bartender!" he says, nodding at the Jew, "A round of the good stuff for everyone except him!"
Everyone happily receives a glass of premium scotch.
The anti-semite looks over at the Jew with a smug grin.
The Jew smiles back.
The anti-semite loses his satisfied expression.
"Bartender! Give everyone a drink of your finest, plus an appetizer!"
He looks directly at the Jew and adds, "Everyone except the Jew."
The Jewish man looks at the anti-semite, and smiles again.
Furious, the anti-semite says, "Is that Jew just s**... or pretending to be?"
"Oh no, sir, he's the owner."
Just made this up!
An egg walks into a bar and orders a drink.
The bartender gives him a drink and the egg downs it, seeming unimpressed and says, "bartender, how about another twice as strong! "
the bartender mixes another, stronger drink and gives it to the egg. The egg downs that one just the same, and again asks for a third drink, twice as strong as the last one.
The bartender, now feeling offended pours a tall stiff drink that was certain to wipe the smug look off the egg's mouth.
The egg drank this one in the same confident manner, but then his look soured.
The bartender was glad to see the change in mood, but just then, the egg throws up everything inside of it, all over the bartender.
Now, furious, the bartender starts to jump over the bar and handle business, but the egg stops him and says, "calm down, it's just a yolk! "
