Smoking Kills Jokes
47 smoking kills jokes and hilarious smoking kills puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about smoking kills that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.
Funniest Smoking Kills Short Jokes
Short smoking kills jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The smoking kills humour may include short smoking jokes also.
- Everyone tells you that smoking will kill you What they don't tell you is that it cure salmon
- Everyone told me smoking kills, I had no idea how fast. My dad went to get his first pack of cigarettes ever and I never saw him again.
- When I was a kid a zookeeper caught me smoking a camel. I told him I'd kill a giraffe too if he didn't keep his mouth shut.
- Kids are like smoking cigarettes. I love them for about 5 minutes a day, until I realize that they are slowly killing me.
Jim Jefferies - Cigarette packets says smoking kills so I stopped smoking them I just smoke the ones that seriously damage health instead
- Under my doctor's advice, I am now healthily smoking 2 packs of cigarettes a day. He told me smoking just 1 pack a day would kill me
- I tried to kill a spider by spraying it with a whole can of White Rain hair spray But that didn't work, now it's wearing blue eye shadow and chain smoking Virginia Slims.
- Once there was a mirror that killed anyone who lied... 1st person : I think I dont smoke (died).
2nd person : I think I love my wife (died).
Karen : I think.. (died) - My mom smokes. I hate to think that she is slowly killing herself... So instead I choose to believe that she is slowly sacrificing herself to Satan.
- When I was 18 I wanted to kill myself... But I'm a procrastinator, so I picked up smoking.
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Smoking Kills One Liners
Which smoking kills one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with smoking kills? I can suggest the ones about smoking cigarettes and cigarette smoking.
- Smoking will kill you. Bacon will kill you. Smoking bacon will cure it.
- Smoking will kill you ...
Bacon will kill you...
But, smoking bacon will cure it. - Smoking is a scientific wonder! It kills people, but cures salmon.
- Smoking is good for the environment Because it kills humans
- If smoking kills... Then why does it cure salmon?
- Everyone thinks smoking will kill you But how can they say that when it cures salmon?
- Killing people is just like smoking cigarettes I can stop whenever I want
- smoking cigarettes helps the environment... ...because it kills humans.
- Drinking beer kills brain cells But smoking Bud makes you W(e)iser
- You know smoking kills, right? You know I want to die, right?
- Smoking can kill you! Last night a guy went out for a smoke and got shot.
Smoking Kills Funny Jokes And Hilarious Puns.
What funny jokes about smoking kills you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean smoking meat jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make smoking kills pranks.
My girlfriend told me this joke ten years ago. We've been married nine years today.
A penguin is driving to the mall when all of a sudden his engine starts running really rough, and smoke is coming from under the hood. Luckily, there's an auto repair shop right next to the mall, so he pulls in there. The mechanic says he'll be glad to take a look, but he won't be able to get to it for a couple hours. The penguin says fine, and walks across the street to the mall.
He kills time walking around the mall, does some window shopping, buys an ice cream cone, etc. Finally the two hours are up and he goes back to the mechanic.
The penguin says, "Have you had time to look at my engine?"
The mechanic says, "Yeah, it looks like you blew a seal."
The penguin says, "No, that's just ice cream."
Two rich men and a t**... are on top of a building...
...and the two rich men decide that they will each throw a coin off the top of the building, and see who collects it at the bottom. The first man throws a silver coin, but it does not go very far. The second man goes, "Hah! I bet I can throw farther than you!" and throws another silver coin, a bit farther. The t**... says,"I am sure I can throw a bomb farther than the both of you." He then proceeds to lob his bomb a lot further than the other two men.
Once the men get down, they decide to see what happened to the coins and the bomb. At the place where the first man's coin landed, they see a boy crying. "What's wrong?", they ask. The boy replies,"Daddy got killed by a silver coin from the sky!" The two men shrug, and keep on going. They get to the place where the other man's coin landed, and see a girl crying on the sidewalk. "Whats wrong?" they ask again. The girl sobs, "We were outside walking and grandma got hit on the forehead by a silver coin and died!" The two men shrug again and walk off to the place where the bomb landed, expecting a whole family to be in tears. However, when they get to the place, they see a boy laughing his head off in front of a smoking crater, with his dad scratching his head in the background. "What in the world happened here?", asked the businessmen. The boy replies, "Daddy f**... and the house blew up!"
This is a classic Deaf joke.
Three men are on a train: One Cuban, one Russian and one Deaf man. The Cuban is smoking a huge cigar, but half way through it throws it out the window. The Russian and the Deaf man exclaim about him wasting the beautiful cigar, but he just shrugs and says, "Eh, we have *plenty* of cigars back home."
The the Russian take out a handle of v**... and begins slugging it back, but with half of it finished, turns and tosses it out the window. 'Why woulf you waste such good v**...!" the Deaf man and the Cuban exclaim. "Psh, we have *plenty* of v**... back home."
Then the Deaf man says, "Okay, one minute," and walks off. The Russian and the Cuban look at each other in confusion and shrug, waiting for the Deaf man to return. He does, but he's dragging a man with him. Struggling, he finally tosses the man out the window. The other two yell, "Why would you do that?!! You just killed him!" The Deaf man shrugs and says, "Oh, we have *plenty* of hearing people back home.
A german, a frenchman, and a greek c**... in the amazon
A german, a frenchman, and a greek are on a plane. The plane crashes in the amazon. They meet the natives and they say "don't kill us" and the amazonians say "We will not kill you, but you have to do something. You have to spend 10 years in a cave. We will fill the cave up with all the provisions you need and whatever you want."
They ask the german what he wants. He says "I want bratwurst. I want sausages everywhere. I wanna eat'em all the time, and I wanna eat a lot." So they fill the cave up with sausages.
They ask the frenchman what he wants. He says "I want women. I want women everywhere. I don't what kind of women; what age, what color, what size. I just want women." So they fill the cave up with women.
They ask the greek guy. He says "I want cigarettes. I wanna chain smoke all the time. I wanna smoke my way through the 10 years." So they fill the cave up with cigarettes.
10 years pass and it is time to open the caves. They open the german's cave. Out comes one huge beast of a man, so gelatinous, they can barely get him through the door.
They open the frenchman's cave. And they see little kids playing around, women talking to each other, and the frenchman h**... away at another woman in bed.
they open the greek guy's cave. He is sitting on top of a pile of unopened cigarettes. He says "A lighter...........give me a lighter!"
Charlie the Street Car Conductor
Long joke that is passed down in my family
So down in New Orleans there lived a man named Charlie. Charlie ever since he was a young boy wanted to grow up to be a streer car conductor. When he finally became old enough, he applied for the job and lo and behold he got it. Now Charlie was the friendliest street conductor that the city has ever seen. Not only did he never complain about his job, but also he greeted everyone who boarded his street car and treated them like family. Everything in his life was perfect for Charlie until one day he decided to operate the street car after having a few drinks. In his drunken state, he crashed the streetcar and killed all the passengers. After going to court Charlie was sentences to death by the eletric chair. When the day came for his execution, a gaurd visited Charlie's cell and asked him what he wanted for his final meal. Charlie replied, "I want a rotten tomato and a raw fish." After Charlie finished his meal he headed into the execution room and sat down in the eletric chair. The warden gave the order to pull the switch and the room went dark as thousands of volts passed through Charlies body. After the switch was thrown back it came as a suprise that Charlie was in fact still alive. Having no idea what else to do the warden let Charlie out of jail but banned him from ever operating a streetcar in New Orleans. Since street cars were his life Charlie decided "Hey I'll go to Japan, I hear they have fancy new street cars there." In Japan Charlie gets a job as a conductor again, but as before decides that after having a few drinks that he is still able to work the street car. To no suprise Charlie crashes the stree car and kills all the passengers. Charlie again finds himself in jail ordering his last meal. "A rotten tomato and a raw fish," he tells the gaurd. After the meal was eaten, Charlie was led to the chair and once again survives the eletricity. Because he wasn't dying, he was set free but banned from operating the street cars in Japan. Charlie thought to himself, "Well I heard San Francisco still has street cars operating so I'll go there." As you can guess Charlie ends up in the same situation and again orders the same meal " A rotten tomato and a raw fish," he tells the gaurd. The warden from San Francisco had heard of Charlie and his previous death sentences so before he brought Charlie in to be executed he sent a letter to the mayor asking to reroute the city's eletricity to the jail. The mayor approved and confident with his new found power the warden smiled and gave the order to pull the switch. The lights in the room burst from the overload and the smell of something burning overwelmed the air. The warden after a minute ordered the gaurd to shut off the chair and as the smoke cleared, there was Charlie same as always. Distraught with emotion, the warden told Charlie to get out of his sights. Charlie, tired of going to jail, finally decided that maybe he shouldn't be a street car conductor after all. So Charlie travels back to New Orleans and meets his friend Thibodaux at a bar. Thibodaux after a few minutes of small talk tells Charlie "Everyone has heard about the eletric chair incidents and I just gotta axe, how were you able to survive all them jolts of electricity through your body? Was there something you did that made you resistant to it?" Charlie looks at Thibodaux and says "I dunno, I guess I was just a bad conductor."
Three men were stranted in the middle of the ocean on a raft...
When all of a sudden they catch sight of an island that had smoke rising from it. Overjoyed, they paddle the whole way there only to find themselves surrounded by intimidating natives with spears.
The chieftain walked up to them and said, "You have two choices. The first is that we kill you. The second is that we set you free after we give you a boomshakalaka."
The first man decided on the boomshakalaka. The burliest man out of them all stepped up, bent him over and r**... him savagely for 5 minutes but after he was done, they set him free and he ran off.
The second man also wanted to live so he decided to take the boomshakalaka as well. After 5 minutes he too was set free.
Having seen his two friends get r**..., the third man decided that he would just get killed
So the chieftain stepped up and said "Ok. I sentence you to death... by boomshakalaka.
This guy testifies about his guru
"Guruji", he says, " has reformed me completely. With his guidance and blessing I have given up smoking, gambling, eating meat, alcohol, drugs, s**... with prostitutes, gay s**..., killing h**..., cheating and stealing, beating my wife and kids, and r**... animals!"
The guru is pleased and the audience applauds. But there the guys wife interrupts "There is one thing that he has still not given up!"
"Eh? What is that one thing?" asks the guru.
"Lying!" replies the wife.
So I'm on break enjoying a cigarette...
This busy body comes up to me and says, "You know those things will kill you!"
So I tell him that my grandfather lived to be 96 years old.
He replies, "Oh, did he smoke?"
"No he minded his own F-ing' business!"
*Old joke, but true story.
Donald Trump & Ted Cruz are sitting in a bar...
Donald says to Ted
"What we need to do is kill 140 million Muslims & one smoking hot blonde woman."
Overhearing this the bartender asks why they need to kill a hot blonde woman.
Donald says to Ted, "See I told you no one would care about the Muslims"
A man stands, chain smoking at a bus stop...
A man stands, chain smoking at a bus stop.
The woman standing next to him says "Hey, don't you know that those things can kill you? I mean, didn't you see the giant warning on the box?!"
"That's OK..." says the guy, puffing casually, "I'm a programmer"
"So? What's that got to do with anything?"
"Errors are serious, warnings are nothing...".
A hunter tribe in Siberia catches a Camel.
They kill it, and wonder what it is. To find out, they ask the best hunter.
He answers "It is not a fox, it is not a rabbit. Ask the chief of the tribe, he might know".
They ask the chief.
He says, "Not a reindeer, and not a seal. I don't know what it is".
As a last resort they ask the shaman priest. They walk into his tent, and find him sitting on a chair with a ton of smoke around him.
The hunters are not startled, as that is standard stuff. They finally ask him what it is, and the priest answers without delay
"Come on guys its Camel you have to smoke it"
Smoking Kills
Experts say that every time you inhale a drag of a cigarette, it takes 7 seconds off your life.
When I was a teenager, my best friend and I tried cigarettes for the first time. I ended up smoking for 25 years, but my friend only inhaled **once**.
Yesterday, while out walking his dog, he got hit by a bus and was killed instantly.
I can't get it out of my mind - I keep thinking - if he never had inhaled that one time - we probably could have heard him scream.
My son likes rap music, but he's only 7 so when he asks what certain words mean, I lie....
for example, when rappers talk about "w**..." they're just talking about the weeds in their grass... and when they "smoke w**..." that just means they're killing the weeds in their lawn...
his favorite line is "HEY HEY HEY HEY... Smoke w**... Everyday".... I had to explain to him that it's by Nate Dogg. Nate being short for Nature of course, because he loves gardening... which is why he has so many h**....
I hadn't cut our own grass for a while and it's starting to get long... my son came up to me the other day and said, "Dad, you need to smoke some w**...!"
A penguin is driving to the mall...
All of a sudden his engine starts running really rough, and smoke is coming from under the hood. Luckily, there's an auto repair shop right next to the mall, so he pulls in there. The mechanic says he'll be glad to take a look, but he won't be able to get to it for a couple hours. The penguin says fine, and walks across the street to the mall.
He kills time walking around the mall, does some window shopping, buys an ice cream cone, etc. Finally the two hours are up and he goes back to the mechanic.
The penguin says, "Have you had time to look at my engine?"
The mechanic says, "Yeah, it looks like you blew a seal."
The penguin says, "No, that's just ice cream."
Two doctors, Jenkins and Smith, are treating a man with lung disease.
They're explaining how him smoking w**... led to his condition worsening.
But it's just herbal! the patient protested. How can it be bad?
Dr Jenkins sighed. Apricot stones contain lethal amounts of cyanide. There is a certain plant in my back garden - if you sit under it for just ten minutes, you will die. Just because it's natural doesn't mean it's safe for you!
The man seemed to accept that, and after he and the doctors parted ways, Dr Smith asked, What is that plant that kills you if you sit under it?
A water lily.