Smoking Jokes

Hilarious puns and funny pick up lines

If you masturbate after smoking marijuana....

Is it high-jacking or weed-whacking?










I got fired from my job because I kept asking my customers whether they would prefer Smoking or Non-smoking .

Apparently the correct terms are Cremation and Burial .

People say smoking will give you diseases.

What they don't know is that it cures salmon.

Everyone tells you that smoking will kill you

What they don't tell you is that it cures salmon

Smoking will kill you ...



Bacon will kill you...

But, smoking bacon will cure it.

Online classified ad

Premature ejaculator in need of smoking hot size 6 blonde.

Preferably with blue eyes and huge double d....

Nevermind.

Sir, your son was smoking marijuana at school during the class!

Says the teacher to a student's parent at a school gathering.

-- Did he say where he got it?

-- Yes! His best friend gave it to him.


The father, cleaning his tears:

-- Did he really say that?

Don't you hate it when you're driving along smoking a cigarette, you flick it out the window and you drive for a couple more miles and smell something funny and you look over onto the back seat and sure enough..

Grandma's fingering herself again

If smoking Marijuana causes short term memory loss,

what does smoking Marijuana do?

A man gets pulled over by the police...

A man was stopped by the police around 2 am. The officer asked him where he was going at that time of night.

The man replied, "I'm on my way to a lecture about alcohol abuse and the effects it has on the human body, as well as smoking and staying out late."

The officer then asked, "Really? Who's giving that lecture at this time of night?"

The man replied, "That would be my wife."

An officer was fired for smoking cannabis and masturbating on the job.

No name was given but he was a high wanking officer.

An officer was fired for smoking weed and masturbating on the job...

No exact details were given to the public, but he was a high wanking officer

They say that every 2 out of 3 people live next to a pedophile

Not me, I live next to 2 smoking hot 10 year olds

Elderly man stopped by police.

An elderly man is stopped by the police around 2 a.m. and is asked where he is going at this time of night.

The man replies, I am on my way to attend a lecture about gambling, hookers, alcohol abuse and the effects it has on the human body, as well as smoking, and staying out late.

The officer then asks, Really? Who is giving that lecture at this time of night?

The man replies, My wife.

The surgeon general warns, "do not run while smoking marijuana".

It's hard on your joints.

My wife and I decided to curb our smoking habit a bit by only smoking after sex.

I havnt touched a cigarette in 10 years and shes up to 2 packs a day.

RIP Rodney.

An elderly man was stopped by the police around 2 a.m

...and was asked where he was going at that time of night.
The man replied,
"I'm on my way to a lecture about alcohol abuse and the effects it has on the human body, as well as smoking and staying out late."
The officer then asked,
"Really? Who's giving that lecture at this time of night?"
The man replied, "That would be my wife."

What does smoking a cigarette and eating a pussy have in common? [NSFW]

The flavor gets stronger as you get closer to the butt.

Being on a United Airlines flight is like smoking weed.

You take a hit, then a long drag and soon you wake up not knowing where you are.

A man always smoked two cigarettes at a time

When people asked him why, he answered: i'm smoking one for myself and one for my brother in jail.

One day he was smoking only one, so people gladly asked "is your brother out of jail?"
He answered: "no, I quit"

What's the difference between smoking weed and burning the koran?

If you burn the koran, you can only get stoned once.

Today I was offered sex by an 18 year old female...

Now I'm not gonna lie this chick was smoking hot. In exchange for the sex I was supposed to advertise some kind of bathroom cleaner for her. Of course I, being the great person that I am, declined because I have high moral standards and my willpower is very strong.....but not as nearly as strong as Ajax, the safe and affordable bathroom cleaner, now available in lemon and vanilla scents

What should you do if your girlfriend starts smoking?

Slow down.

"One cigarette each time you have sex" was the doctor's prescription.

That's how I quit smoking.

What does eating pussy and smoking a cigarette have in common?

The closer you get to the butt the more intense the flavor.

I got fired on the first day of my new job for asking customers if they would prefer "Smoking or Non-Smoking."

Apparently, the correct phrase is, "Cremation or Burial."

I was on a bus when this girl offered to blow me for $5...

‎...and never being a person to pass up a good deal, I gave her $5 and watched her do her thing. After she was finished she lit up a cigarette and started smoking right there on the bus.

I was disgusted. I thought to myself, "What is this world coming to? Who sells cigarettes to a 12 year old?"

Quitting smoking is the easiest thing I've ever done.

I've quit hundreds of times.

Studies have shown that smoking weed causes short term memory loss.

Next thing you know they'll be saying smoking weed causes short term memory loss.

If your girlfriend starts smoking..

Use some lubricant.

I stopped smoking weed the day after I spent 30minutes looking for my phone under the bed...

....while using my phone's flashlight

A wheelchair user rides towards a bar.

On his way in he notices a man stood by the door smoking a cig.

The wheelchair user looks at the smoker and says "you do know that there is no reason for doing that at all. It won't make you feel better. It won't help you to fit in. It won't make you look cool."

"Really" says the smoker. "So why the fuck are you wearing those Nike sneakers?"

Teacher at parents meeting :

- Your boy was caught smoking marijuana !!!

The mother :

- Oh my God. I wonder where he found it from ??

- He said he got it from his best friend.

The father, wiping a happy tear :

- My boy really said that ... ?

A Police STOP at 2 AM




An elderly man is stopped by the police around 2 a.m.
and is asked where he is going at this time of night.

The man replies, "I am on my way to a lecture about alcohol abuse and the effects it has on the human body, as well as smoking and staying out late."

The officer then asks, "Really?
Who is giving that lecture at this time of night?"

The man replies, "That would be my wife."

An old man is pulled over...

An older man is pulled over by the police around 2 a.m. and is asked where he is going at this time of night. The man replies, "I am on my way to attend a lecture about gambling, hookers, alcohol abuse and the effects it has on the human body, as well as smoking, and staying out late." The officer asks, "Really? Who is giving that lecture at this time of night?"

The man replies, "My wife."

"Ever since we got married, my wife has tried to change me.

She got me to stop drinking, smoking and running around until all hours of the night. She taught me how to dress well, enjoy the fine arts, gourmet cooking, classical music, even how to invest in the stock market," said the man.
"Sounds like you may be bitter because she changed you so drastically," remarked his friend.
"I'm not bitter. Now that I'm so improved, she just isn't good enough for me."

I just heard that my grandma has finally stopped smoking.....

We can collect her ashes tomorrow.

Smoking two cigarettes at once

A girl saw a guy smoking two cigarettes at once, she asked him why ? he replied that he smokes one for himself and one for his buddy in prison. Another day, the same girl saw that guy again smoking only one cigarette this time, she said : "Congrats! i'm verry happy for you and your friend ! he must have missed you", he replied that he still is in prison, she asked : "so why are you smoking only one cigarette ?", he replied : "i stopped smoking".

I kissed a girl in the club and she said, "Oh my God, you've been smoking. It's just like licking an ashtray."

"You non-smokers have some funny habits," I replied.

I got stopped by the Police!

I got stopped by the police around 3am last night. The officer asked me where I was going at that time of night...

I replied, "I'm on my way to a lecture about alcohol abuse and the effects it has on the human body, as well as smoking and staying out late"

The officer, " Oh really........ and Who's giving that lecture at this time of night?"

I replied, "That would be my wife"

Whenever people tell me smoking is bad for me, I tell them that my great Grandmother lived to be 100 years old.

And when they say "did she smoke her whole life" I say "no, but she was real good at minding her own business"

A salesman knocks on the door and a little boy answers...

he's drinking his father's favorite scotch and smoking a fresh cigar while wearing his mother's favorite bedsheets as a toga.

"Are your parents home?" asked the salesman.

to which the boy replied, "Does it fucking look like it?"

Police stop old man.

Ron Chestna 89 years of age was stopped by the police around 2 a.m. and was asked where he was going at that time of night .

Ron replied, "I'm on my way to a lecture about alcohol abuse and the effects it has on the human body, as well as smoking and staying out late."

The officer asked, "Really? Who's giving that lecture at this time of night?"

Ron replied, "That would be my wife."

Smoking is a scientific wonder!

It kills people, but cures salmon.

A monkey is smoking a joint in a tree...

An iguana walks by and joins him in a few tokes. After a few minutes the iguana gets cottonmouth and goes to get a drink from the river.

While he's gone an alligator smells the aroma and wanders over to the tree.

The monkey looks down from his branch and yells Holy shit! How much water did you drink?

Lecture

An older man is pulled over by the police around 2 a.m. and is asked where he is going at this time of night. The man replies, "I am on my way to attend a lecture about gambling, hookers, alcohol abuse and the effects it has on the human body, as well as smoking, and staying out late." The officer asks, "Really? Who is giving that lecture at this time of night?"
The man replies, "My wife."

4/20 It's Hitler's birthday today...

... I guess that brings a whole another meaning to "Smoking a J"

"Your eyes look red." said the cop. "Have you been smoking weed?"

"Your eyes look glazed." I replied. "Have you been eating donuts?"

I was on the bus with my gf and this smoking hot Thai chick sat next to me. I thought "don't get a boner, don't get a boner."

But she did.

I'm okay with smoking, alcohol, and marijuana.

But cocaine is where I draw the line.

A man walks into a bar, and begins reading the menu overhead the smoking hot bartender.

The sign reads as follows:


* Nachos $4


* Hamburger $3


* Hotdog $2


* Grilled Chicken Sandwich $3


* Grilled Cheese $2


* Fries, Onion Rings, and Tater Tots $1.50


* Handjob $10


After he looks over the menu for a moment he asks the bartender, "Are you the one who gives the handjobs?" "Why yes I am." replies the bartender seductively. Then says the man, "Wash your hands! I'd like a hamburger."

Smoking is good for the environment

Because it kills humans

A college professor is driving home drunk one Saturday night....

When he gets pulled over. The cop comes up to his window and asks him:

"Excuse me sir, you were speeding, you ran a red light and you appear to be drunk, where are you going?"

The professor replies: "I am currently on my way to a lecture concerning the dangers of drinking, smoking and staying up late."

The police officer says: "Who could possibly be giving that kind of lecture at this time?"

The professor responds: "My wife."

An elderly man gets pulled over by the cops...

An elderly man is stopped by the police around 2 a.m. and is asked where he is going at this time of night. The man replies, "I am on my way to attend a lecture about gambling, hookers, alcohol abuse and the effects it has on the human body, as well as smoking, and staying out late." The officer then asks, "Really? Who is giving that lecture at this time of night?"

The man replies, "My wife."

A young priest asked his bishop, May I smoke while praying? ...

The answer was an emphatic No!

Later, when he sees an older priest puffing on a cigarette while praying, the younger priest scolded him, You shouldn't be smoking while praying! I asked the bishop, and he said I couldn't do it!

That's odd, the old priest replied. I asked the bishop if I could pray while I'm smoking, and he told me that it was okay to pray at any time!

Right now, my wife has a smoking hot bod...

The ash scattering ceremony starts at 2:00 PM.

My smoking hot, lesbian best friends got me a Rolex for my birthday.

I guess they misheard me when I said I wanna watch.

A kid in the park told me smoking was bad for me

So I popped his ballon with my cigarette and informed him so was talking to strangers.

Door to door salesman joke. Old but funny.

A door to door salesman knocks on a door and is greeted by a young boy. The boy is wearing lipstick, his moms dress and smoking his fathers cigarettes.
The salesman asks "Son, are your parents home?"
The kid takes a drag and replies "What the fuck do you think?"

A cigarette after sex...

That's how I quit smoking.

I heard that quitting smoking is one of the most empowering things you can do in life

I didn't want to miss out, so I took up smoking.

A man was stopped by the police around 2am...

The officer asked him where he was going at that time of night.


The man replied, "I'm on my way to a lecture about alcohol abuse and the effects it has on the human body, as well as smoking and staying out late."


The officer said, "Oh really, and who's giving that lecture at this time of night?"


And the man said "That would be my wife."

If smoking is so bad for you

How come it cures salmon?

What are the funniest smoking jokes of all time?

Did you ever wanted to stand out with a good sense of humour joking about Smoking? Well, here are the best Smoking puns to laugh out loud. Crazy and funny Smoking pick up lines to share with friends.

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