JokoJokes

Smoking Jokes

194 smoking jokes and hilarious smoking puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about smoking that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.

Discover the best jokes about smoking cigarettes, cigars, pipes, and marijuana. Explore the harm caused to smokers and those around them, as well as the pervasiveness of the Marlboro Man. From light-hearted humor to commentary on the dangers of smoking, get a good laugh while learning more about the risks associated with this habit.

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Funniest Smoking Short Jokes

Short smoking jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The smoking humour may include short blowing smoke jokes also.

  1. I got fired from my job because I kept asking my customers whether they would prefer Smoking or Non-smoking . Apparently the correct terms are Cremation and Burial .
  2. Everyone tells you that smoking will kill you What they don't tell you is that it cure salmon
  3. There are 3 men on a boat and 4 cigarettes, they don't have a lighter, how do they smoke? they toss one cigarette over board to make the boat a cigarette lighter.
  4. Do you remember when air was free at the gas station, and now it's $1.50? You know why? inflation
    Holy smokes this blew up, THANK YOU all for the awards and the silver!!
  5. My teeth were stained, so the dentist asked me, do you smoke or drink coffee? I told him I drink it.
  6. Everyone told me smoking kills, I had no idea how fast. My dad went to get his first pack of cigarettes ever and I never saw him again.
  7. I got fired on the first day of my new job for asking customers if they would prefer "Smoking or Non-Smoking." Apparently, the correct phrase is, "Cremation or Burial."
  8. Today I cooked something for my family and they all said it was terrible. Jokes on them, the smoke detector thought it was fire.
  9. Fidel Castro was a cigar-smoking, repressive leader who hated free speech and a free press. Donald Trump, in comparison, doesn't smoke.
  10. I got fired from my job because I kept asking the customers if they prefer smoking or nonsmoking. Apparently the correct terms are "Cremation" and "Burial".

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Smoking One Liners

Which smoking one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with smoking? I can suggest the ones about smoked and drinking.

  1. People say smoking will give you diseases. What they don't know is that it cures salmon.
  2. Smoking will kill you. Bacon will kill you. Smoking bacon will cure it.
  3. Smoking will kill you ...
    Bacon will kill you...
    But, smoking bacon will cure it.
  4. Why do people in Beijing smoke so many cigarettes? To get a breath of filtered air.
  5. My girlfriend's such a bad cook, she uses the smoke alarm as a timer.
  6. What do ducks smoke? Qwack
  7. What should you do if your girlfriend starts smoking? Slow down.
  8. What kind of cigarettes do hippies smoke? Yours.
  9. Quitting smoking is the easiest thing I've ever done. I've quit hundreds of times.
  10. If your girlfriend starts smoking.. Use some lubricant.
  11. Doctor: You don't look too good. Do you smoke or drink alcohol? Me: I drink it.
  12. What do you do if your girlfriend starts smoking? Slow down and possibly use a lubricant.
  13. How did Elon Musk celebrate 420? With SpaceX going up in smoke.
  14. My wife made me stop burning clocks She was worried about all that second hand smoke
  15. Today I decided I won't smoke anymore I won't smoke any less either though.

Smoking Cigarettes Jokes

Here is a list of funny smoking cigarettes jokes and even better smoking cigarettes puns that will make you laugh with friends.

  • A kid in the park told me smoking was bad for me So I popped his ballon with my cigarette and informed him so was talking to strangers.
  • There are three men on a boat with a pack of cigarettes and no matches. How did they manage to smoke? They threw a cigarette overboard, and made the boat a cigarette lighter
  • Kids are like smoking cigarettes. I love them for about 5 minutes a day, until I realize that they are slowly killing me.
    Jim Jefferies
  • This lady was at the gas station pumping gas and smoking a cigarette when her arm caught fire... When the police arrived they shot her for waving a firearm.
  • How do you find out what's in an e-cigarette? Just ask someone not to smoke it next to you.
  • Why did the man smoke a cigarette in Beijing? To get some fresh air
  • A chicken and egg are lying in bed. The chicken is smoking a cigarette. The egg says to herself, "I guess we answered that question."
  • Last weekend my dad caught me smoking a cigarette and for punishment made me smoke until I puked. This weekend I made sure he caught me in bed with my girlfriend.
  • A chicken and an egg lay in bed smoking cigarettes. The egg says, "well, that answers that old question."
  • How long does it take a cinematographer to smoke a cigarette? The same as anyone but it takes him 2 hours to light it!

Cigarette Smoking Jokes

Here is a list of funny cigarette smoking jokes and even better cigarette smoking puns that will make you laugh with friends.

  • Four men are in a boat Four men are in a boat trying to smoke some cigarettes, but they don't have a lighter. One man throws a cigarette over board and now the whole boat is a cigarette lighter.
  • I left my job as a pastor to start a cigarette company It's called "Holy Smokes"
  • Cigarette packets says smoking kills so I stopped smoking them I just smoke the ones that seriously damage health instead
  • A CHICKEN AND AN EGG A chicken and an egg walked into a hotel room. 20 minutes later the chicken came out smoking a cigarette and said, "Well, I guess that solves that question."
  • Under my doctor's advice, I am now healthily smoking 2 packs of cigarettes a day. He told me smoking just 1 pack a day would kill me
  • What does an angel use to light his cigarette? [A match made in heaven](/spoiler)
    What kind of cigarettes does he have?
    [Holy Smokes](/spoiler)
  • I've been smoking cigarettes for 25 years I just don't know how I haven't gotten addicted yet
  • Today at the church, the lady next to me lit a cigarette and started smoking it... I almost dropped my beer in shock.
  • A chicken and an egg are laying in bed together The egg is smoking a cigarette. It turns to the chicken and says " I guess that answers that question"
  • A bunch of sailors on a boat want to have a smoke, but don't have any matches. So one sailor throws one of his cigarettes overboard, and the whole boat becomes a cigarette lighter.
Smoking joke, A bunch of sailors on a boat want to have a smoke, but don't have any matches.

Smoking Marijuana Jokes

Here is a list of funny smoking marijuana jokes and even better smoking marijuana puns that will make you laugh with friends.

  • If smoking m**... causes short term memory loss, what does smoking m**... do?
  • The surgeon general warns, "do not run while smoking m**...". It's hard on your joints.
  • I told my wife I was gonna start smoking p**.... She said if I did she'd leave me. I guess it's true what they say... m**... truly is an effective way to get rid of aches and pains.
  • Fire broke out at a local m**... farm, and the smoke began to drift to a nearby cattle ranch. The steaks were high
  • I'm okay with smoking, alcohol, and m**.... But c**... is where I draw the line.
  • A rooster smokes m**... and walks in a circle. What is the name for the ratio of the circumference of that circle to its diameter? Chicken p**... pi
  • The Bible says it's ok to be gay if you've been smoking m**... Leviticus 20:13 "A man who lays with another man should be s**..."
  • Doctor to Patient do you smoke? Patient: yes
    Doctor: m**..., cigarettes, cigars, Vapes?
    Patient: mostly brisket, and pork.
  • Medical m**... isn't a new concept. We've been using smoke to cure things for centuries.
  • Doctor: Sir, do you smoke? Patient: Yeah.
    Doctor: Cigarettes? m**...?
    Patient: Mostly Brisket and Pork...
    Shamelessly stolen from Doctor Mike on Youtube, but h**... I laughed at that...

Smoking Kills Jokes

Here is a list of funny smoking kills jokes and even better smoking kills puns that will make you laugh with friends.

  • Smoking is a scientific wonder! It kills people, but cures salmon.
  • Smoking is good for the environment Because it kills humans
  • If smoking kills... Then why does it cure salmon?
  • When I was a kid a zookeeper caught me smoking a camel. I told him I'd kill a giraffe too if he didn't keep his mouth shut.
  • Everyone thinks smoking will kill you But how can they say that when it cures salmon?
  • I tried to kill a spider by spraying it with a whole can of White Rain hair spray But that didn't work, now it's wearing blue eye shadow and chain smoking Virginia Slims.
  • Once there was a mirror that killed anyone who lied... 1st person : I think I dont smoke (died).
    2nd person : I think I love my wife (died).
    Karen : I think.. (died)
  • My mom smokes. I hate to think that she is slowly killing herself... So instead I choose to believe that she is slowly sacrificing herself to Satan.
  • Killing people is just like smoking cigarettes I can stop whenever I want
  • smoking cigarettes helps the environment... ...because it kills humans.

Smoking Meat Jokes

Here is a list of funny smoking meat jokes and even better smoking meat puns that will make you laugh with friends.

  • I was grilling yesterday but then the meat started smoking Stakes were high
  • What does Snoop Dogg eat when he visits Montreal? Smoked Meat Every Day.
  • Your mama's mouth is like a smoke house. Everyone is always hanging their meat in it.
  • Simple recipe for making your own naturally-smoked, organic meats... Start a forest fire.
  • Dating fact 101 Ladies, if all he does is smoke and give you the meat then you're dating a BBQ Grill.
  • It's important to smoke out your meats. The steaks have never been higher.
  • What is the favorite Pokémon of a smoked meat sandwich? Raichu
  • I smoked meat yesterday... I think that's how I got salmonella.
  • Why shouldn't you eat meat from p**... smoking cows? Because the steaks are too high.
  • If I smoke some strong w**... and beat my meat... Am I a chronic masturbator?
Smoking joke, If I smoke some strong w**... and beat my meat...

Amusing & Witty Smoking Jokes for Laughter-Filled Fun

What funny jokes about smoking you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean fire smoke jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make smoking pranks.

Still my favorite joke I ever made up. :)

A monocle walks into a bar. After a few drinks he starts to feel pretty good (and a little uncoordinated). He reaches for a cigarette, but the bartender stops him. "Sorry, buddy, but due to city ordinances we don't allow smoking in here. You'll have to step outside to smoke."
So the monocle hops off the bar stool and grabs his cigarettes to head outside. Meanwhile a second monocle emerges from the bathroom. They bump into each other as they cross paths and fall to the floor, hopelessly entangled. They try to get free but the more they struggle, the more tangled they become.
The bartender looks down on this travesty and shakes his head. "Hey you two!" he shouts. "Stop making spectacles of yourselves!"

A tourist is in Russia and they see a frail little babushka sitting in front of her house, smoking a cigarette and drinking v**....

So he stops and asks her: "Excuse me, but are you celebrating something?"
"No, I drink a few bottles of v**... every day. Always have."
"Amazing. And the cigarettes?"
"At least four packs a day, since I was a little girl."
"That's amazing! May I ask, how old are you?"
"Twenty-five".

A monkey is sitting in a tree, smoking a joint, when

a lizard walks past. The lizard looks up and says to the monkey Hey! what are you doing? The monkey says Smoking a joint, come up and join me, my cold-blooded friend.
So the lizard climbs up and sits next to the monkey and they have another joint. After a while the lizard says his mouth is 'dry', and that he's going to get a drink from the river.
At the riverbank, the lizard is so s**... that he leans too far over and falls in. A Crocodile sees this and swims over to the s**... lizard, helping him to the side.
He then asks the lizard, What's the matter with you?! The lizard explains to the crocodile that he was sitting in the tree, smoking a joint with his new monkey friend. He then explained how his mouth got dry, and that he was so wasted that, when he went to get a drink from the river, he fell in!
The inquisitive crocodile says he has to check this out. He walks into the jungle and finds the tree where the monkey is sitting, finishing a joint. He looks up and says Hey, MONKEY! The Monkey looks down and says FUUUUUCK, DUDE……. how much water did you drink?

I was on a bus when this girl offered to blow me for $5...

‎...and never being a person to pass up a good deal, I gave her $5 and watched her do her thing. After she was finished she lit up a cigarette and started smoking right there on the bus.
I was disgusted. I thought to myself, "What is this world coming to? Who sells cigarettes to a 12 year old?"

A monkey is sitting in a tree, smoking a joint...

A monkey is sitting in a tree, smoking a joint, when a lizard walks past. The lizard looks up and says to the monkey Hey! what are you doing? The monkey says Smoking a joint, come up and join me, my cold-blooded friend.
So the lizard climbs up and sits next to the monkey and they have another joint. After a while the lizard says his mouth is 'dry', and that he's going to get a drink from the river.
At the riverbank, the lizard is so s**... that he leans too far over and falls in. A Crocodile sees this and swims over to the s**... lizard, helping him to the side.
He then asks the lizard, What's the matter with you?! The lizard explains to the crocodile that he was sitting in the tree, smoking a joint with his new monkey friend. He then explained how his mouth got dry, and that he was so wasted that, when he went to get a drink from the river, he fell in!
The inquisitive crocodile says he has to check this out. He walks into the jungle and finds the tree where the monkey is sitting, finishing a joint. He looks up and says Hey, MONKEY! The Monkey looks down and says FUUUUUCK, DUDE……. how much water did you drink?

Two homosexuals bumped into each other one day in Bondi Junction.

After their customary intimate greeting, one of them asked the other, "Fabian, have you stopped smoking?"
When Fabian replied in the affirmative, his chum asked him how he had managed to kick the habit.
Explained Fabian, "It was easy really. Everytime I felt like a cigarette, I`d just s**... on a lifesaver."
Replied his friend, "Well - lucky you live near the beach."

An elderly man was stopped by the police around 2 a.m

...and was asked where he was going at that time of night.
The man replied,
"I'm on my way to a lecture about alcohol a**... and the effects it has on the human body, as well as smoking and staying out late."
The officer then asked,
"Really? Who's giving that lecture at this time of night?"
The man replied, "That would be my wife."

Two old ladies are outside smoking a cigarette

It starts raining and without hesitating one of the ladies pulls a c**... out of her purse and covers the cig to keep it from getting wet.
The other lady thinks this is genius and walks to the nearest pharmacy.
She grabs a pack of extra large condoms and proceeds to check out.
The cashier says," ma'am, are you sure you need these in extra large?"
The old lady replies, "well I'm not sure, do you think they'll fit a Camel?"

2 nuns were smoking when it started to rain...

The first nun takes out a c**... and cuts off the end and slides it over her cigarette and continues smoking.
The second nun notices that it is keeping the first nuns cigarette dry and asks "where'd you get that?"
"From the Pharmacy" replied the first nun.
So the second nun heads down to the pharmacy and asks the clerk for a pack of condoms.
"What size do you need" asked the clerk.
The nun replied - "Large enough to fit a Camel"

A man gets pulled over by the police...

A man was stopped by the police around 2 am. The officer asked him where he was going at that time of night.

The man replied, "I'm on my way to a lecture about alcohol a**... and the effects it has on the human body, as well as smoking and staying out late."

The officer then asked, "Really? Who's giving that lecture at this time of night?"

The man replied, "That would be my wife."

4/20 It's h**...'s birthday today...

... I guess that brings a whole another meaning to "Smoking a J"

Two elderly ladies are smoking outside...

It stared raining and one of the ladies pulls out a c**..., cuts the end off and puts it over her cigarette so it won't get wet. The other lady thinks this is a great idea so she decides to head to the store to buy some condoms.
When she gets there she goes to the counter and asks the cashier for a pack of condoms. He looks at her in disgust as he can't believe someone of her age would be having s**.... He asks what kind she would like anyways as he doesn't want to lose his job.
She replys "honey, it doesn't matter what kind as long as it fits a camel"

A man always smoked two cigarettes at a time

When people asked him why, he answered: i'm smoking one for myself and one for my brother in jail.
One day he was smoking only one, so people gladly asked "is your brother out of jail?"
He answered: "no, I quit"

I just read that a veteran policeman has been suspended from his job...

after being caught m**... and smoking w**... in his office.
No name was given but he was a high w**... officer.

A young priest asked his bishop, May I smoke while praying? ...

The answer was an emphatic No!
Later, when he sees an older priest puffing on a cigarette while praying, the younger priest scolded him, You shouldn't be smoking while praying! I asked the bishop, and he said I couldn't do it!
That's odd, the old priest replied. I asked the bishop if I could pray while I'm smoking, and he told me that it was okay to pray at any time!

Right now, my wife has a smoking hot bod...

The ash scattering ceremony starts at 2:00 PM.

Today I was offered s**... by an 18 year old female...

Now I'm not gonna lie this chick was smoking hot. In exchange for the s**... I was supposed to advertise some kind of bathroom cleaner for her. Of course I, being the great person that I am, declined because I have high moral standards and my willpower is very strong.....but not as nearly as strong as Ajax, the safe and affordable bathroom cleaner, now available in lemon and vanilla scents

How did you quit smoking?

Decided to smoke only after s**...

An officer was fired for smoking cannabis and m**... on the job.

No name was given but he was a high w**... officer.

My doctor said the best thing I could do for my health was to go outside more. He told me to pick a fun outdoor hobby to motivate me to get out of the house.

So I started smoking.

A man goes to buy a pack of cigarettes......

The cashier hands him a pack. He goes out and thinks of lighting one up. The pack reads "Beware smoking causing impotency". He goes back in hey man i think you gave me the wrong pack give me the one with cancer.

I've never actually been caught smoking w**....

But I'm pretty sure my parents know sober people don't give goodnight handshakes.

Pedophiles

2 in 3 people live next to a pedohpile.
I don't.
I live next to 2 smoking hot 8-year olds.

I was at my GF's house hanging with her and her smoking hot younger sister

My girlfriend leaves the room leaving me alone with her sister. She's been gone for a while when her sister climbs up on top of me and says "we should have s**... right this second, any way you want it, before my sister gets back". I immediately throw her off and start walking out. My girlfriend is waiting outside the room and kisses me, saying I won her trust.
Lesson learned: always keep c**... in the car

If smoking is so bad for you

How come it cures salmon?

What's the difference between smoking w**... and burning the koran?

If you burn the koran, you can only get s**... once.

Smoking two cigarettes at once

A girl saw a guy smoking two cigarettes at once, she asked him why ? he replied that he smokes one for himself and one for his buddy in prison. Another day, the same girl saw that guy again smoking only one cigarette this time, she said : "Congrats! i'm verry happy for you and your friend ! he must have missed you", he replied that he still is in prison, she asked : "so why are you smoking only one cigarette ?", he replied : "i stopped smoking".

An officer was fired for smoking w**... and m**... on the job...

No exact details were given to the public, but he was a high w**... officer

I quit smoking for good

Now I smoke for evil.

I have read so many things about the impact of smoking and drinking alcohol

I think I will quit reading soon.

I kissed a girl in the club and she said, "Oh my God, you've been smoking. It's just like l**... an ashtray."

"You non-smokers have some funny habits," I replied.

Cremation

My last chance at a smoking hot body

Being cremated.....

..... is my last hope for a smoking hot body.

I heard that quitting smoking is one of the most empowering things you can do in life

I didn't want to miss out, so I took up smoking.

I stopped smoking w**... the day after I spent 30minutes looking for my phone under the bed...

....while using my phone's flashlight

Being on a United Airlines flight is like smoking w**....

You take a hit, then a long drag and soon you wake up not knowing where you are.

A man walks into a bar, and begins reading the menu overhead the smoking hot bartender.

The sign reads as follows:
* Nachos $4
* Hamburger $3
* Hotdog $2
* Grilled Chicken Sandwich $3
* Grilled Cheese $2
* Fries, Onion Rings, and Tater Tots $1.50
* h**... $10
After he looks over the menu for a moment he asks the bartender, "Are you the one who gives the h**...?" "Why yes I am." replies the bartender seductively. Then says the man, "Wash your hands! I'd like a hamburger."

A man is pulled over at 2am by a state trooper

State trooper: Hey, where you headed at 2 am sir?
Elderly man: I'm just on my way to hear a lecture about the dangers of drinking and staying out late and smoking m**... with friends who are a bad influence.
State Trooper: Really? Who's giving that kind of lecture at 2 in the morning?
Elderly man: That would be my wife, officer.

A college professor is driving home drunk one Saturday night....

When he gets pulled over. The cop comes up to his window and asks him:
"Excuse me sir, you were speeding, you ran a red light and you appear to be drunk, where are you going?"
The professor replies: "I am currently on my way to a lecture concerning the dangers of drinking, smoking and staying up late."
The police officer says: "Who could possibly be giving that kind of lecture at this time?"
The professor responds: "My wife."

Don't you hate it when you're driving along smoking a cigarette, you flick it out the window and you drive for a couple more miles and smell something funny and you look over onto the back seat and sure enough..

Grandma's f**... herself again

My ex girlfriend is a lot like my grill.

They're both smoking hot and burned my house down.

Studies have shown that smoking w**... causes short term memory loss.

Next thing you know they'll be saying smoking w**... causes short term memory loss.

I just heard that my grandma has finally stopped smoking.....

We can collect her ashes tomorrow.

"Your eyes look red." said the cop. "Have you been smoking w**...?"

"Your eyes look glazed." I replied. "Have you been eating donuts?"

Whenever people tell me smoking is bad for me, I tell them that my great Grandmother lived to be 100 years old.

And when they say "did she smoke her whole life" I say "no, but she was real good at minding her own business"

I caught two kids smoking p**... outside my office building

20 minutes later my boss caught me and two kids smoking outside the office building.

The doctor told me to stop drinking, smoking and having s**...

I asked him if it would make me live longer and he said: no, but the time will feel longer.

My smoking hot, lesbian best friends got me a Rolex for my birthday.

I guess they misheard me when I said I wanna watch.

When I...

A man walks into a bar, orders a drink, and yells "When I drink, everybody drinks!". Everybody rushes to the counter and orders a drink.
After that, he orders another drink and yells "When I get another drink, everybody gets another drink!". Everybody rushes to the counter and orders another drink.
After finishing the drink, the man orders a sandwich and yells "When I eat, everybody eats!". Everybody rushes to the counter and orders food.
After eating the sandwich, the man buys a cigarette and yells "When I get a smoke, everybody gets a smoke!". Everybody rushes to the counter and gets a cigarette.
After smoking, the man pays $25 and yells "When I pay, everybody pays!"

Quitting smoking is easy

I've done it over 15 times

A cigarette after s**......

That's how I quit smoking.

"One cigarette each time you have s**..." was the doctor's prescription.

That's how I quit smoking.

Teacher at parents meeting :

- Your boy was caught smoking m**... !!!
The mother :
- Oh my God. I wonder where he found it from ??
- He said he got it from his best friend.
The father, wiping a happy tear :
- My boy really said that ... ?

Sir, your son was smoking m**... at school during the class!

Says the teacher to a student's parent at a school gathering.
-- Did he say where he got it?
-- Yes! His best friend gave it to him.
The father, cleaning his tears:
-- Did he really say that?

Never smoking with Mexicans again.

Asked him if he had papers and he ran

I was sitting on the toilet when the guy in the stall next to me started smoking.

It was so disgusting I nearly couldn't finish my sandwich.

I saw a woman once

Who was smoking a cigarette at a gas station while she filled her car. She pulled out the nozzle and gas shot everywhere and her arm was immediately engulfed in flames. She starts waving it around and a cop saw it and shot her dead. She was waving an i**... fire arm.

A pregnant woman asks the cashier for a pack of cigarettes...

The cashier immediately begins to berate her for such a poor decision. "I can't believe you are being so s**.... Knowing that you are pregnant! You shouldn't buy a single pack until after you've had the baby."
"You're right," the lady replied, "Give me a carton. I'm smoking for two now."

Smoking

I saw a woman smoking with her baby in the car and it made me feel disgusted with the world we live in.
Who lets a woman drive?

My wife and I decided to curb our smoking habit a bit by only smoking after s**....

I havnt touched a cigarette in 10 years and shes up to 2 packs a day.
RIP Rodney.

Im never smoking w**... with immigrants again.

I asked who's got papers and they all ran away.

A man is smoking two cigarettes at a park

Another man walks up to him and asks, "Why are you smoking two cigarettes?"
He replies: "I'm smoking one for myself and one for my brother, he is in a no-smoking prison."
Satisfied with the answer, the man walks away.
A few days pass and he sees the same man at the park, but he's only smoking one cigarette.
Excited, he goes up to the man and asks, "Did your brother get out of prison? You are only smoking one cigarette."
He replies: "No, I quit smoking."

The secret to having a smoking hot body in old age?

Cremation.

Started smoking for this girl who told me she was into people with cancer

Turns out she was talking about zodiacs. Anyway I've got three months to live.

A man noticed that his friend only smoked two cigarettes at a time.

He asked him about it and his friend said: "one for me and one on my imprisoned brother's behalf. He told me to smoke for him too"
Years later, the man saw his friend smoking only one cigarette, he told him: "I'm guessing good news! Your brother finished his sentence?"
His friend said: "No, I quit smoking"

Smoking joke, A man noticed that his friend only smoked two cigarettes at a time.

jokes about smoking