Smoking Cigarettes Jokes

140 smoking cigarettes jokes and hilarious smoking cigarettes puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about smoking cigarettes that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.

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Funniest Smoking Cigarettes Short Jokes

Short smoking cigarettes jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The smoking cigarettes humour may include short cigarette smoking jokes also.

  1. There are 3 men on a boat and 4 cigarettes, they don't have a lighter, how do they smoke? they toss one cigarette over board to make the boat a cigarette lighter.
  2. Everyone told me smoking kills, I had no idea how fast. My dad went to get his first pack of cigarettes ever and I never saw him again.
  3. A kid in the park told me smoking was bad for me So I popped his ballon with my cigarette and informed him so was talking to strangers.
  4. There are three men on a boat with a pack of cigarettes and no matches. How did they manage to smoke? They threw a cigarette overboard, and made the boat a cigarette lighter
  5. Kids are like smoking cigarettes. I love them for about 5 minutes a day, until I realize that they are slowly killing me.
    Jim Jefferies
  6. This lady was at the gas station pumping gas and smoking a cigarette when her arm caught fire... When the police arrived they shot her for waving a firearm.
  7. How do you find out what's in an e-cigarette? Just ask someone not to smoke it next to you.
  8. A chicken and egg are lying in bed. The chicken is smoking a cigarette. The egg says to herself, "I guess we answered that question."
  9. Last weekend my dad caught me smoking a cigarette and for punishment made me smoke until I puked. This weekend I made sure he caught me in bed with my girlfriend.
  10. A chicken and an egg lay in bed smoking cigarettes. The egg says, "well, that answers that old question."

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Smoking Cigarettes One Liners

Which smoking cigarettes one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with smoking cigarettes? I can suggest the ones about smoking and smoking cigar.

  1. Why do people in Beijing smoke so many cigarettes? To get a breath of filtered air.
  2. What kind of cigarettes do hippies smoke? Yours.
  3. Why did the man smoke a cigarette in Beijing? To get some fresh air
  4. I left my job as a pastor to start a cigarette company It's called "Holy Smokes"
  5. Why kind of cigarettes do Hawaiians smoke? Mahalo bro lights.
  6. What kind of cigarettes do California kids smoke? Yours.
  7. How many cigarettes did the rapper smoke each day? 2Pacs.
  8. What do you call the popes cigarettes? Holy Smokes!
  9. If you smoke cigarettes in space... You become an Ashtraynaut.
  10. What do you call cigarettes from a thrift store? Second hand smokes.
  11. I smoke for religious purposes... Every cigarette brings me 5 minutes closer to God.
  12. Mudering people is a lot like smoking cigarettes I can stop any time I want.
  13. What do fish smoke? underwater cigarettes
  14. Killing people is just like smoking cigarettes I can stop whenever I want
  15. How do you get a hipster to stop smoking? Tell them that cigarettes aren't gluten free.

Entertaining Smoking Cigarettes Jokes to Laugh Out Loud Fun with Everyone

What funny jokes about smoking cigarettes you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean smoking marijuana jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make smoking cigarettes pranks.

Still my favorite joke I ever made up. :)

A monocle walks into a bar. After a few drinks he starts to feel pretty good (and a little uncoordinated). He reaches for a cigarette, but the bartender stops him. "Sorry, buddy, but due to city ordinances we don't allow smoking in here. You'll have to step outside to smoke."
So the monocle hops off the bar stool and grabs his cigarettes to head outside. Meanwhile a second monocle emerges from the bathroom. They bump into each other as they cross paths and fall to the floor, hopelessly entangled. They try to get free but the more they struggle, the more tangled they become.
The bartender looks down on this travesty and shakes his head. "Hey you two!" he shouts. "Stop making spectacles of yourselves!"

A tourist is in Russia and they see a frail little babushka sitting in front of her house, smoking a cigarette and drinking v**....

So he stops and asks her: "Excuse me, but are you celebrating something?"
"No, I drink a few bottles of v**... every day. Always have."
"Amazing. And the cigarettes?"
"At least four packs a day, since I was a little girl."
"That's amazing! May I ask, how old are you?"

I was on a bus when this girl offered to blow me for $5...

‎...and never being a person to pass up a good deal, I gave her $5 and watched her do her thing. After she was finished she lit up a cigarette and started smoking right there on the bus.
I was disgusted. I thought to myself, "What is this world coming to? Who sells cigarettes to a 12 year old?"

I walked out of my local shop today...

...and outside was a t**.... Same guy as always, but I'd never talked to him before. As I passed, he said, "Excuse me, I don't suppose you have a spare cigarette I can have?". I looked around, and I was the only person in the vacinity, so I knew he was talking to me. "Sorry mate, I don't smoke." I replied, which is true. He looked disappointed, but then asked hopefully "Any change?", I thought for a second before answering "Nope, still don't smoke."

An old woman joins a gang.

A little old lady wanted to join a biker club.
She went to a bar where she new they hung out and a big, hairy, bearded biker with tattoos all over his arms was at the entrance.
She proclaims "I want to join your biker club."
The guy was amused and told her that she needed to meet certain biker requirements before she was allowed to join. So the biker asks her "You have a bike?"
The little old lady says "Yea, that's my Harley over there" and points to a Harley parked in the parking lot.
The biker asks her "Do you smoke?"
The little old lady says "Yea, I smoke. I smoke 4 packs of cigarettes a day and a couple of cigars while I'm shooting pool."
The biker is impressed and asks "Well, have you ever been picked up by the Fuzz?"
The little old lady says "No, never been picked up by the fuzz, but I've been swung around by my n**... a few times."


A chicken and an egg walked into a hotel room. 20 minutes later the chicken came out smoking a cigarette and said, "Well, I guess that solves that question."

Two homosexuals bumped into each other one day in Bondi Junction.

After their customary intimate greeting, one of them asked the other, "Fabian, have you stopped smoking?"
When Fabian replied in the affirmative, his chum asked him how he had managed to kick the habit.
Explained Fabian, "It was easy really. Everytime I felt like a cigarette, I`d just s**... on a lifesaver."
Replied his friend, "Well - lucky you live near the beach."

The Chicken or The Egg

A chicken and an egg are laying in bed.
The chicken is smoking a cigarette.
The egg rolls over in satisfaction and says, "Well, I guess we answered that question."

Chicken and the egg

A chicken and an egg were laying in bed and while the chicken was smoking a cigarette feeling satisfied, the egg rolls over frustrated and says "I guess that answers the question"

Two old ladies are outside smoking a cigarette

It starts raining and without hesitating one of the ladies pulls a c**... out of her purse and covers the cig to keep it from getting wet.
The other lady thinks this is genius and walks to the nearest pharmacy.
She grabs a pack of extra large condoms and proceeds to check out.
The cashier says," ma'am, are you sure you need these in extra large?"
The old lady replies, "well I'm not sure, do you think they'll fit a Camel?"

Caught my 9 year old daughter smoking a cigarette...

I screamed furiously:
-Since I started having s**....
-Can't remember, I was too drunk.

Three men in a boat with four cigarettes and no matches. How do they get to smoke their cigarettes?

They throw one cigarette overboard, which make the boat a cigarette lighter.

2 nuns were smoking when it started to rain...

The first nun takes out a c**... and cuts off the end and slides it over her cigarette and continues smoking.
The second nun notices that it is keeping the first nuns cigarette dry and asks "where'd you get that?"
"From the Pharmacy" replied the first nun.
So the second nun heads down to the pharmacy and asks the clerk for a pack of condoms.
"What size do you need" asked the clerk.
The nun replied - "Large enough to fit a Camel"

Two old ladies at a bus stop

2 old women at a bus stop smoking. It starts to rain. Grandma 1 puts a c**... over her cigarette. Grandma 2 asks "why'd you do that". Grandma 1 explains it's so the cigarette stays dry.
Next day grandma 2 goes to a pharmacy and asks the nice young gentleman behind the counter for some condoms. "What size" he asks.
"Oh any" the grandma replies "as long as it fits over a camel"

Today at the church, the lady next to me lit a cigarette and started smoking it...

I almost dropped my beer in shock.


Some guy is smoking in an airport.
"How many cigarettes do you smoke daily, sir?"
"Did you know that if you collected all the money you spend on cigarettes and medications you could buy that plane?
"Well, do you smoke cigarettes?"
"No, sir"
"Do you own a plane?"
"Uhm. No..."
"Well, thanks for the advice. By the way that plane's mine."

Even though I don't smoke cigarettes, I exclusively date women who do...

I figure if they're willing to s**... on something that n**..., they'll s**... just about anything.

Two ladies smoking

Two old ladies were standing outside smoking cigarettes. It starts to rain, so one of the old ladies takes out a c**..., cuts the tip off and slides it over her cig to keep it dry. The other lady is amazed at her inventiveness! She goes to the pharmacy and tells the pharmacist she needs some condoms. The pharmacist, puzzled, looks at her and says "ma'am they come in all shapes and sizes, which ones do you need?" She replies "doesn't matter, as long as it fits a Camel!"

After s**..., a lot of people like to smoke a cigarette.

As a gay man, me and my boyfriend smoke w**... after s**.... After all, in the bible it says "if a man lies with another man, he should be s**...."

The answer to the most pressing question in human history

A chicken and an egg are laying in bed. The chicken is smoking a cigarette and has a smile on its face. The egg is staring at the ceiling with a frown on its face. The egg mutters under its breath 'well, I guess we answered That question.'

Discussion between husband & wife

Wife : Everyday you spend 5 bucks on a pack of cigarettes. In a month, you would be spending 150 bucks right?
Husband : yes....and?
Wife : In a year, you would have spend $1800 and you have been smoking for 20 years. If you didn't smoke, you would be driving a Porsche by now.
Husband : how about you? Do you smoke?
Wife : Are you crazy? No! I don't!
Husband : And where is your Porsche?

So I'm on break enjoying a cigarette...

This busy body comes up to me and says, "You know those things will kill you!"
So I tell him that my grandfather lived to be 96 years old.
He replies, "Oh, did he smoke?"
"No he minded his own F-ing' business!"
*Old joke, but true story.

Two elderly ladies are smoking outside...

It stared raining and one of the ladies pulls out a c**..., cuts the end off and puts it over her cigarette so it won't get wet. The other lady thinks this is a great idea so she decides to head to the store to buy some condoms.
When she gets there she goes to the counter and asks the cashier for a pack of condoms. He looks at her in disgust as he can't believe someone of her age would be having s**.... He asks what kind she would like anyways as he doesn't want to lose his job.
She replys "honey, it doesn't matter what kind as long as it fits a camel"

I saw a guy smoking two cigarettes today

I was walking down the street and saw a guy smoking two cigarettes at once, I asked him about it and he said that his friend recently went to jail and that he swore upon his life to always smoke on his behalf as long as he is in jail.
A month later I walk by the same street and spot the same guy, but this time he only had one cigarette in his mouth.
I asked him if his friend got out of jail to which he responded "Nah man, I quit smoking"

Nighttime. You're alone on a small boat at sea, hours away from any land. All you brought with you is a pack of cigarettes. You wanna smoke, but realize you forgot a lighter. What do you do?

You just take out a cigarette, throw it off the boat into the water... thus, making the boat a cigarette lighter.


An old man finds a c**... in his grandson's apartment and asks what it is.
"It's a c**...," replies the grandson, sheepishly.
"What do you use it for?" asks Grandpa.
The grandson is embarrassed, so he says, "I use it to keep my cigarettes dry when I smoke in the rain."
Grandpa says, "That's a great idea." He goes to the drug store and asks the pharmacist for a c**....
"What size would you like?" asks the pharmacist.
"Big enough to fit a Camel."

A man always smoked two cigarettes at a time

When people asked him why, he answered: i'm smoking one for myself and one for my brother in jail.
One day he was smoking only one, so people gladly asked "is your brother out of jail?"
He answered: "no, I quit"

A man walks in to a store and buys a pack of cigarettes.

As the clerk hands the pack to him he says "you should really read the warning on them". "It says right here that smoking causes erectile dysfunction and highly increases your rate for impotence". The man looks at him in shock and says "can I just get the lung cancer ones".

Secret to Long Life

A woman walked up to a little old man rocking in a chair on his porch. "I couldn't help noticing how happy you look," she said. "What's your secret for a long happy life?"
"I smoke three packs of cigarettes a day," he said. "I also drink a case of whiskey a week, eat fatty foods, and never exercise."
"That's amazing," said the woman, "how old are you?"
"Twenty-six," he said.

Did you hear that Monica Lewinsky stopped smoking cigars?

Now she's just bummimg cigarettes!

My wife and I said we would only smoke after s**.......

I have had the same pack of cigarettes since 2007, im starting to get worried about my wife though shes been going through 3 packs a day!

A chicken and an egg are laying in bed

A chicken and an egg are laying in bed. The chicken pulls out a cigarette and begins to smoke. The egg, upset, takes one look at the chicken, rolls over and says, "I guess we answered that question!"

A young priest asked his bishop, May I smoke while praying? ...

The answer was an emphatic No!
Later, when he sees an older priest puffing on a cigarette while praying, the younger priest scolded him, You shouldn't be smoking while praying! I asked the bishop, and he said I couldn't do it!
That's odd, the old priest replied. I asked the bishop if I could pray while I'm smoking, and he told me that it was okay to pray at any time!

A man goes to buy a pack of cigarettes......

The cashier hands him a pack. He goes out and thinks of lighting one up. The pack reads "Beware smoking causing impotency". He goes back in hey man i think you gave me the wrong pack give me the one with cancer.

A man goes in a tobacco shop...

and asks for a packet of cigarettes. The owner gives him one with the following warning label:
"Smoking causes erectile dysfunction".
So the man says:
"Whaaaat!!! Take that back and give me one with lung cancer! "

Four men are in a boat

Four men are in a boat trying to smoke some cigarettes, but they don't have a lighter. One man throws a cigarette over board and now the whole boat is a cigarette lighter.

My wife and I agreed to only smoke after s**.... I've had the same pack of cigarettes for 6 months...

She's up to 2 packs a day.

My wife and I only smoke cigarettes after s**...

I've had the same pack since we were married but she's up to three packs a day!
(Thanks, Rodney!)

A woman asked me if I had a cigarette.

"Yes..." I said, "But what about your baby?"
She said, "Oh no. He doesn't smoke."

Smoking two cigarettes at once

A girl saw a guy smoking two cigarettes at once, she asked him why ? he replied that he smokes one for himself and one for his buddy in prison. Another day, the same girl saw that guy again smoking only one cigarette this time, she said : "Congrats! i'm verry happy for you and your friend ! he must have missed you", he replied that he still is in prison, she asked : "so why are you smoking only one cigarette ?", he replied : "i stopped smoking".

My parents once made me smoke a whole pack of cigarettes in one sitting.

To teach me about brand loyalty.

A chicken and an egg just finished having s**...

The egg starts smoking a cigarette and says "well I guess we know the answer to that question".

It's hard to believe I can smoke five cigarettes on a two mile walk to work...

But it's not that I'm a chainsmoker, it's just the COPD makes me walk really slow.

Cigarettes on a boat.

Three sailors are on a boat. They have four cigarettes and feel the sudden urge to smoke, but the problem is they don't have a lighter. How do they smoke?
They toss one of the cigarettes into the ocean to make the boat a cigarette lighter.

When I was a teenager, my dad found cigarettes in my room & made me smoke the whole pack.

I'm really glad he didn't find my bag of h**....

My little sister hated that our mother was addicted to cigarettes so she took a fork and stabbed the packet repeatedly.

Mom was not pleased. Holy smokes!
^(Based on a true story)

Three men are out fishing

They each have a pack of cigarettes but no lighter.
Not knowing what to do but really wanting to smoke, they think until they get an idea.
They threw a cigarette out of the boat and make it a cigarette lighter.

Three moms are talking and having lunch together...

One mom had black hair, the next was brunette, and the third was blonde.
The black haired mom says "You guys won't believe what I found in my daughters room yesterday. A cigarette! I've never even smoked."
The brunette mom says "You won't believe what I found in *my* daughters room yesterday. Whiskey! I've never even drank."
The blonde mom says "Well guess what I found in *my* daughters room yesterday. A c**...! I've never even had s**... before."

The whole pack

This guy caught me having s**... with his daughter, and he was furious.
He said, "I'm not going to go easy on you, son. Nobody ever went easy on me. When I was a kid, my father caught me smoking a cigarette, and he made me smoke the whole pack right in front of him. When my mother caught me drinking whisky from the cabinet, she made me drink the entire bottle down to the last drop."
I said, "I think I see where you're going with this. How many kids do you have?"

Don't you hate it when you're driving along smoking a cigarette, you flick it out the window and you drive for a couple more miles and smell something funny and you look over onto the back seat and sure enough..

Grandma's f**... herself again

Under my doctor's advice, I am now healthily smoking 2 packs of cigarettes a day.

He told me smoking just 1 pack a day would kill me

Who Came First

A chicken and an egg are lying in bed. The chicken is leaning against the headboard smoking a cigarette, with a satisfied smile on it's face.
The egg, looking very hacked off, grabs the quilt, rolls over and says, "Well, we finally answered THAT question!"

I read that the nicotine in cigarettes increases GABA in the brain, making you more intelligent.

Maybe one day I'll be smart enough to not smoke.

How long does it take a cinematographer to smoke a cigarette?

The same as anyone but it takes him 2 hours to light it!

A woman is pushing her baby in a stroller thru the park...

...when she sees a friend of hers smoking a cigarette. She walks up to him and asks how he is, and says "I thought you gave up smoking for good?" The man says "I did, now I smoke for evil." and blows smoke in the baby's face and walks away.

Smoking a cigarette

Have you ever smoked a cigarette in your car and tried to throw it out the window and a minute later you smell something and turn around to find your grandma f**... herself in the back seat?

When I...

A man walks into a bar, orders a drink, and yells "When I drink, everybody drinks!". Everybody rushes to the counter and orders a drink.
After that, he orders another drink and yells "When I get another drink, everybody gets another drink!". Everybody rushes to the counter and orders another drink.
After finishing the drink, the man orders a sandwich and yells "When I eat, everybody eats!". Everybody rushes to the counter and orders food.
After eating the sandwich, the man buys a cigarette and yells "When I get a smoke, everybody gets a smoke!". Everybody rushes to the counter and gets a cigarette.
After smoking, the man pays $25 and yells "When I pay, everybody pays!"

4 people are on a boat with 5 cigarettes and no way to burn them. How do they all smoke?

Take a cigarette and throw it of the boat so the boat becomes
A cigarette lighter

Cigarette packets says smoking kills so I stopped smoking them

I just smoke the ones that seriously damage health instead

Just saw the price of cigarettes and I realized there's no such thing as a s**...

The cigarette smokes, they are just the suckers

A cigarette after s**......

That's how I quit smoking.

"One cigarette each time you have s**..." was the doctor's prescription.

That's how I quit smoking.

Did you hear about the guy who died after smoking a whole cigarette in under a second?

What a drag!

My wife and I decided only to smoke after s**...

I haven't had a cigarette in 10 years but my wife is up to two packs a day

Star Wars fans don't smoke cigarettes after s**......

They chew 'bacca

Smoking Kills

Experts say that every time you inhale a drag of a cigarette, it takes 7 seconds off your life.
When I was a teenager, my best friend and I tried cigarettes for the first time. I ended up smoking for 25 years, but my friend only inhaled **once**.
Yesterday, while out walking his dog, he got hit by a bus and was killed instantly.
I can't get it out of my mind - I keep thinking - if he never had inhaled that one time - we probably could have heard him scream.

A bunch of sailors on a boat want to have a smoke, but don't have any matches.

So one sailor throws one of his cigarettes overboard, and the whole boat becomes a cigarette lighter.

Hey guys please stop putting half-smoked cigarettes in the u**...

It makes them soggy and makes them hard t light up.

I've been smoking cigarettes for 25 years

I just don't know how I haven't gotten addicted yet