Smoking Cigar Jokes

42 smoking cigar jokes and hilarious smoking cigar puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about smoking cigar that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.

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Funniest Smoking Cigar Short Jokes

Short smoking cigar jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The smoking cigar humour may include short cigar jokes also.

  1. Fidel Castro was a cigar-smoking, repressive leader who hated free speech and a free press. Donald Trump, in comparison, doesn't smoke.
  2. An Oxford comma walks into a bar, where it spends the evening watching the television getting drunk and smoking cigars. A question mark walks into a bar?
  3. Did you hear that Monica Lewinsky stopped smoking cigars? Now she's just bummimg cigarettes!
  4. My buddy took some amazing pictures of himself with a cigar, hanging out in a funhouse. When I asked him how he did it, he said "It's all Smoke and Mirrors".
  5. If you use a lighter on a cigar, a man will smoke for a day If you use a lighter on a man, he'll smoke for the rest of his life.
  6. So there is this class in New York that teaches women how to smoke cigars, and the price per person is one-hundred dollars The price to watch is two-hundred.
  7. I was meeting a friend at a smoke shop and accidentally went into the dry cleaners next door... Clothes, but no cigar.
  8. Doctor to Patient do you smoke? Patient: yes
    Doctor: m**..., cigarettes, cigars, Vapes?
    Patient: mostly brisket, and pork.
  9. What do you call it when someone coerces you into smoking m**... rolled into a cigar and it mentally scars you? Blunt force trauma
  10. As told to me by my dad who smokes a lot Did the disappointed s**... get everything he wanted for Christmas? Clothes but no cigar.

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Smoking Cigar One Liners

Which smoking cigar one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with smoking cigar? I can suggest the ones about smoking and cuban cigar.

  1. Chuck Norris occasionally smokes large cigars.
    The last one was called the Hindenburg.
  2. My hands are too small to smoke cigars I blame big tobacco
  3. Vaping is pretty close to smoking. It's close, but no cigar.
  4. Chuck Norris doesn't smoke cigars.
    He smokes smoke grenades.
  5. Where does Christopher Walken like to smoke cigars? A Walken humidor.
  6. What kind of cigars does Baby Jesus smoke? (Mmmph!) Meek & Milds!!!! :0
  7. 69 is known as s**...'s position...... Girl smoke the cigar and guy cleans the ashtray.

Gather Around for Heartwarming Smoking Cigar Jokes and Uplifting Humor

What funny jokes about smoking cigar you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean cigarette smoking jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make smoking cigar pranks.

I just found out The Spice Girls were paid off by the tobacco industry to hide subliminal pro-smoking messages in their songs.

I couldn't believe it, so I put on one of their records, and it made me really really really want a cig or cigar.

A guy walks into a bar

... and orders a beer. "Hey, what happened to the smoke shop that used to be next door? the guy asks the bartender. "I thought I'd stop in and pick up some stuff and now its some sort of ladies apparel store." "Yep," the bartender replies. "Clothes, but no cigar."

My friend is a s**... and decided to read about the health risks of smoking.

He went online and read about how smoking can lead to cancer, and other health risks.
A few days later I meet up with him and find him overjoyed and full of energy, so I asked him what did he do to become so healthy.
He tells me while lighting a cigar: "I quit reading."

A man travelling through Arizona stops at a small town and goes into a bar

He stands at the end of the bar and lights up a cigar. As he sips his drink, he stands there quietly blowing smoke rings.
After he's blown nine or ten smoke rings, an angry Indian comes up to him and says, "Listen buddy, if you don't stop calling me names, I'll smash your face in!"

An old woman joins a gang.

A little old lady wanted to join a biker club.
She went to a bar where she new they hung out and a big, hairy, bearded biker with tattoos all over his arms was at the entrance.
She proclaims "I want to join your biker club."
The guy was amused and told her that she needed to meet certain biker requirements before she was allowed to join. So the biker asks her "You have a bike?"
The little old lady says "Yea, that's my Harley over there" and points to a Harley parked in the parking lot.
The biker asks her "Do you smoke?"
The little old lady says "Yea, I smoke. I smoke 4 packs of cigarettes a day and a couple of cigars while I'm shooting pool."
The biker is impressed and asks "Well, have you ever been picked up by the Fuzz?"
The little old lady says "No, never been picked up by the fuzz, but I've been swung around by my n**... a few times."

An elderly couple visits their friends

After a fine dinner, the men retreat into the library to smoke cigars and to have a conversation.
"Last week me and my wife ate at this great restaurant."
"Really? What was it called?"
"Let me think....what's that flower with a yellow center and white petals?"
"A daisy?"
"Yes, that's it. DAISY! What's that restaurant we went to?"

George Burns

In his later years, the comedian George Burns was being interviewed by a shapely female journalist.
FJ: Mr. Burns, is it true that at your age, you still smoke six cigars every day?
GB: (eyes downcast) Yes, it's true.
FJ: And is it true you drink 3 or 4 martinis every day?
GB: Yes, that's true.
FJ: And is it true that you still chase after women half your age?
GB: Yes, I do.
FJ: What does your doctor have to say about all this?
GB: He's dead.

A traveling salesman rings this doorbell.

10 year old little Johnny opens, holding a beer and smoking a fat cigar.
The salesman says, "Little boy is your mother home?"
Little Johnny taps his ash on the carpet and says, "What do you think?"

I had a dream my father was n**...

I had a dream last night that my father was chasing me around but n**... dressed as a cigar smoking pirate.
That's the last time a try lucid dream

A salesmen rang a house doorbell and it was answered by a kid wearing a top hat, a purple cape, smoking a cigar and drinking a glass of white wine.
The salesmen asked: "Are your parents home?"
The kid replied: "What does it look like?"

Three conspiracy theorists are sitting at a bar.

Man, I can't believe NASA thinks we'd eat up that moon landing b**..., one of them says.
I know, right? says another. Everyone knows deep down that it was fake.
The moon is way too far away for anybody to realistically land on! the third one interjects. If they could do it, why aren't we all living on the moon?
The three theorists hear an audible grunt coming from the corner of the room. They turn around to see a scruffy old man smoking a cigar.
Lemme get this straight, the man says, taking the cigar out of his mouth for a moment. Y'all actually believe in the moon?

A man was standing at the bus stop.

Suddenly he saw a very fit-looking old man.
He went to the old man,and said-
Man-'Sir,you look very fit. What's the secret of your looking  so fit and young?'
Old man-'I smoke 30 cigars a day. 
I drink 4-5 bottles of v**... daily,and I am a serious drug-addict. 
And I hate doing exercise or Yoga.
Whenever I see someone going to gym or playground,I feel sick for them. 
That's all I do'
 Man(Extremely shocked and impressed)-'WOW Sir.That's unbelievable. By the way how old are you?'
Old man-'I will turn 25 this month'

A man was marooned on a desert island.

One day a beautiful woman arrives in a wet suit.
'When did you last have a smoke?' she asks. 'Five years ago.' So she gets out a cigar and he smokes it.
She unzips her wet suit a bit and says, 'When did you last have a drink?' He said, 'Five years ago.' So she gets out a bottle of Scotch and he has a drink.
Then she unzips her wet suit a bit more and says, 'And when was the last time you played around?' He looks at her in amazement and says: 'You're not telling me you've got a set of golf clubs in there?'
Ronnie Corbett (1930 - 2016)

A Russian, a Cuban, an American and a Lawyer are in a train.

The Russian takes a bottle of the Best v**... out of his pack; pours some into a glass, drinks it, and says: "In USSR, we have the best v**... of the world, nowhere in the world you can find v**... as good as the one we produce in Ukrainia. And we have so much of it, that we can just throw it away..." Saying that, he opens the window and throws the rest of the bottle through it. All the others are quite impressed.
The Cuban takes out a pack of Havanas, takes one of them, lights it and begins to smoke it saying: "In Cuba, we have the best cigars of the world: Havanas. Nowhere in the world there is so many and so good cigare and we have so much of them, that we can just throw them away...". Saying that, he throws the pack of havanas thru the window. One more time, everybody is quite impressed.
At this time, the American just stands up, opens the window, and throws the Lawyer through it...

A doctor on his morning walk noticed an old lady sitting on her front step smoking a cigar

A doctor on his morning walk noticed an old lady sitting on her front step smoking a cigar
So he walked up to her and said, "I couldn't help but notice how happy you look! What is your secret?"
"I smoke ten cigars a day," she said. '"Before I go to bed, I smoke a nice big joint. Apart from that, I drink a whole bottle of Jack Daniels every week, and eat only junk food. On weekends, I pop pills, get laid, and don't exercise at all."
'"That is absolutely amazing! How old are you?"
"Thirty-four," she replied.

So an American, a Pakistani and a Norwegian... in a train cabin together. The American pulls out a giant hamburger, but only after eating half of it he threw it out the window. "Why did you do that?", the Pakistani asked. "Because there are so many where I'm from". Later thr Pakistani took a giant cigar out of his pocket but only smoked the half and threw it out. "Why did you do that?", the Norwegian asked. "Because there are so many where I'm from". Even later the Norwegian threw the Pakistani out of the window. "Why did you do that?", the American asked. The Norwegian then answered; "Because there are so many where I'm from".

Adult book store

Three guys are arrested in an adult book store and appear before the judge. He asks the first guy to stand:
"What is your name?" he asked.
"George," the guy answered.
"And why were you arrested?" the judge asked.
"I was by the magazine rack holding a big fat cigar and blowing smoke," he answered.
The judge didn't see anything wrong with that, so he dismissed the guy and called up the next one.
"What's your name?" he asked.
"George," the guy answered.
"Why were you arrested?" the Judge asked.
"I was by the magazine rack holding a big fat cigar and blowing smoke," he answered.
Again, the judge saw nothing offensive, 'This so-called adult store is begining to sound more like a smoking club!' he thought. So he dismissed the charge and called up the next guy.
"What's your name?? No wait, let me guess; George," he said.
"No," said the guy, "My name is Smoke."

This is a classic Deaf joke.

Three men are on a train: One Cuban, one Russian and one Deaf man. The Cuban is smoking a huge cigar, but half way through it throws it out the window. The Russian and the Deaf man exclaim about him wasting the beautiful cigar, but he just shrugs and says, "Eh, we have *plenty* of cigars back home."
The the Russian take out a handle of v**... and begins slugging it back, but with half of it finished, turns and tosses it out the window. 'Why woulf you waste such good v**...!" the Deaf man and the Cuban exclaim. "Psh, we have *plenty* of v**... back home."
Then the Deaf man says, "Okay, one minute," and walks off. The Russian and the Cuban look at each other in confusion and shrug, waiting for the Deaf man to return. He does, but he's dragging a man with him. Struggling, he finally tosses the man out the window. The other two yell, "Why would you do that?!! You just killed him!" The Deaf man shrugs and says, "Oh, we have *plenty* of hearing people back home.