smoke Jokes

funny pick up lines and hilarious smoke puns

The female janitor at my building asked if I would chill and smoke some weed with her

I said no. I can't deal with high maintenance women

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An angel appears in a puff of smoke to a man and says to him, "Because you have lived a good and virtuous life, I can offer you a gift: you can be the most handsome man in the world, or you can have infinite wisdom, or you can have limitless wealth." Reflecting, the man says, "I'll take the wisdom"

"Wisdom is yours," says the angel, disappearing in another puff.
The smoke is barely clear before the man thinks, "I should have taken the money."

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There are 3 men on a boat and 4 cigarettes, they don't have a lighter, how do they smoke?

they toss one cigarette over board to make the boat a cigarette lighter.

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Dammmn girl, are you a smoke detector?

Cause you're annoying and won't shut the fuck up.

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What kind of weed do reptiles smoke?

Mariguana.

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I used to smoke weed and go to class...

Sneak in ten minutes late with a bullshit excuse. Slink down low at my desk. Pray to God nobody asked me any questions.

I was the best teacher ever.

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There are 3 men in a boat and 4 cigarettes, however they don't own a lighter. How do they smoke?

They throw one cigarette over board in order to make the boat a cigarette lighter.

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Why do people in Beijing smoke so many cigarettes?

To get a breath of filtered air.

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I was about to smoke weed with a couple cute Mexican girls...

I asked them if they had papers. They immediately ran off.

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My girlfriend's such a bad cook,

she uses the smoke alarm as a timer.

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What do ducks smoke?

Qwack

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daaaamn guuurrrl are you a smoke detector ...

because you're really fucking loud and annoying

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What kind of cigarettes do hippies smoke?

Yours.

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What do you call a Mormon who likes to smoke, drink, swear and have sex with strangers?

An oxymormon.

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Fidel Castro was a cigar-smoking, repressive leader who hated free speech and a free press.

Donald Trump, in comparison, doesn't smoke.

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Two firefighters are fucking

The chief walks in on two of his firefighters having vigorous sex.

He shouts: Hey what the hell are you two doing?

One of the firefighters: Chief, you don't understand, he suffered some serious smoke inhalation.

Chief: Thats not how you treat smoke inhalation. The first step is mouth to mouth.

Firefighter: How do you think all this started?

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Doctor, how can I live 100 years?

Man: Doctor, how can I live to be 100 years old?

Doctor: Well, do you smoke cigarettes or do any type of drugs?

Man: Nope

Doctor: Do you eat a lot of junk food?

Man: Nope

Doctor: Do you sleep around without using protection?

Man: Nope

Doctor: Then why the hell do you want to live to be 100 years old?

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When midgets smoke weed...

...do they get high, or do they just get medium?

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A bar is burning to the ground, and a team of firefighters rush in to put it out.

A bar is burning to the ground and a team of firefighters rush in to put out the fire. When they get inside they see an Irishman passed out from smoke inhalation. They drag him out of the bar and eventually the Irishman comes to. The firefighter says "you were there, how did this whole thing get started?!" The Irishman responds "I don't know it was burning when I walked in"

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A muslim man came into my shop and bought six smoke machines, so I phoned the police..

He's probably part of an extreme mist group

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I was gonna smoke weed with this Mexican girl

Until I asked her for some papers and she ran off.

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- Doctor, I want to live very old

- Do you drink?
- Never, only water.
- You smoke?
- Oh no, my body is a temple
- Do you have crazy nights out dancing while doing cocaine and coming back home to have unprotected sex with multiple partners?
- Never, I'm single and abstinent.
- I see. So could you explain me exactly why you want to live old?

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Whenever people tell me smoking is bad for me, I tell them that my great Grandmother lived to be 100 years old.

And when they say "did she smoke her whole life" I say "no, but she was real good at minding her own business"

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Today I decided I won't smoke anymore

I won't smoke any less either though.

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Why doesn't Smokey the Bear have any kids?

Because every time his wife gets hot, he covers her with dirt and beats her with a shovel.

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I was going to smoke a joint with some Mexicans

But when I asked if anyone had papers, they all ran off.

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An angel and a man

An angel appears in a puff of smoke to a man and says to him, "Because you have lived a good and virtuous life, I can offer you a gift: you can be the most handsome man in the world, or you can have infinite wisdom, or you can have limitless wealth."
Reflecting on his life, the man says, "I'll take the wisdom."
"Wisdom is yours," says the angel, disappearing in another puff.
The smoke is barely clear before the man thinks, "I should have taken the money."

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A smoker is having a smoke outside a bar when he is approached by an older non-smoker...

"that's a horrible habit" says the non smoker.

"My grandmother lived to 94" he replies.

"And did she smoke?"

"No, she minded her own fucking business."

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What happens if you smoke weed in a musilm country?

Simple, you get stoned twice

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A young priest asked his bishop, May I smoke while praying? ...

The answer was an emphatic No!

Later, when he sees an older priest puffing on a cigarette while praying, the younger priest scolded him, You shouldn't be smoking while praying! I asked the bishop, and he said I couldn't do it!

That's odd, the old priest replied. I asked the bishop if I could pray while I'm smoking, and he told me that it was okay to pray at any time!

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Jack and Jill went up the hill to smoke some marijuana.

Jack got high and grabbed her thigh and said You know you wanna . Jill said yes, pulled up her dress and then they had some fun. But silly Jill forgot her pill and now they have a son.

Use contraceptives kids.

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My wife and I only smoke after sex; I've had the same pack since 2003.

She's up to three packs a day.


Rodney Dangerfield

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The janitor lady in our apartment building wanted me to hang out with her and smoke pot. I said no.

I tend to avoid high maintenance women.

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What about the kids?

A catholic school catches on fire and two priests first notice the flames & smoke.

"We gotta get outta here!" Says the first one.

"What about the kids?" Asks the second.

"Fuck the kids!" The first exclaims.

"But, do we have time?"

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bullshit excuse

I used to smoke pot and arrive late for class. Sneak in ten minutes late with a bullshit excuse. Slink down low at my desk. Pray to god nobody asked me any questions. I was the best teacher ever.

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What are the most funny Smoke jokes of all time ?

Did you ever wanted to stand out with a good sense of humour joking with someone about Smoke? Well, here are the best Smoke dad jokes to laugh out loud. Crazy funny puns and Smoke pick up lines to share with friends.

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