The Best 91 Smoke Jokes
Following is our collection of funny Smoke jokes. There are some smoke smoker jokes no one knows (to tell your friends) and to make you laugh out loud.
Take your time to read those puns and riddles where you ask a question with answers, or where the setup is the punchline. We hope you will find these smoke quiet smoke puns funny enough to tell and make people laugh.
Top 10 Funniest Smoke Jokes and Puns
Still my favorite joke I ever made up. :)
A monocle walks into a bar. After a few drinks he starts to feel pretty good (and a little uncoordinated). He reaches for a cigarette, but the bartender stops him. "Sorry, buddy, but due to city ordinances we don't allow smoking in here. You'll have to step outside to smoke."
So the monocle hops off the bar stool and grabs his cigarettes to head outside. Meanwhile a second monocle emerges from the bathroom. They bump into each other as they cross paths and fall to the floor, hopelessly entangled. They try to get free but the more they struggle, the more tangled they become.
The bartender looks down on this travesty and shakes his head. "Hey you two!" he shouts. "Stop making spectacles of yourselves!"
The female janitor at my building asked if I would chill and smoke some weed with her
I said no. I can't deal with high maintenance women
An angel appears in a puff of smoke to a man and says to him, "Because you have lived a good and virtuous life, I can offer you a gift: you can be the most handsome man in the world, or you can have infinite wisdom, or you can have limitless wealth." Reflecting, the man says, "I'll take the wisdom"
"Wisdom is yours," says the angel, disappearing in another puff.
The smoke is barely clear before the man thinks, "I should have taken the money."
Why shouldn't you smoke weed during a thunder storm?
Because lightning strikes the highest object.
The older man and his problems
A man getting along in years finds that he is unable to perform sexually. He finally goes to his doctor who tries a few things, but nothing seems to work. Finally, as a last hope, the doctor refers him to an African medicine man. The medicine man says, "I can cure this." With that said, he throws a white powder into a flame, and there is a flash with billowing blue smoke.
Then he says, "This is powerful healing but you can only use it once a year. All you have to do is say '123,' and it shall rise for as long as you wish!"
The man then asks, "What happens when it's over, and I don't want to continue?"
The medicine man replies: "When your partner can take no more sex and is completely raddled, all she has to say is '1234', and it will then go down. But be warned: The pork swordsman will not rise again for another year."
The old gent rushes home, anxious to try out his new powers. That night he showers, shaves, and smothers himself in aftershave. He slides into bed,cuddles up to his wife, says "123" and suddenly he has the most gigantic stiffie ever, just as the medicine man promised.
His wife turns over and asks: "What did you say '123' for?"
Why doesn't Smokey the Bear have any kids?
Because every time his wife gets hot, he covers her with dirt and beats her with a shovel.
An angel appears at a faculty meeting...
... And tells the dean that in return for his unselfish and exemplary behavior, the Lord will reward him with his choice of infinite wealth, wisdom, or beauty. Without hesitating, the dean selects infinite wisdom.
"Done!" says the angel and disappears in a cloud of smoke and a bolt of lightning. Now, all heads turn toward the dean, who sits surrounded by a faint halo of light. At length one of his colleagues whispers, "Say something."
The dean sighs and says, "I should have taken the money."
I walked out of my local shop today...
...and outside was a tramp. Same guy as always, but I'd never talked to him before. As I passed, he said, "Excuse me, I don't suppose you have a spare cigarette I can have?". I looked around, and I was the only person in the vacinity, so I knew he was talking to me. "Sorry mate, I don't smoke." I replied, which is true. He looked disappointed, but then asked hopefully "Any change?", I thought for a second before answering "Nope, still don't smoke."
What kind of cigarettes do hippies smoke?
Yours.
There are three men on a boat with a pack of cigarettes and no matches. How did they manage to smoke?
They threw a cigarette overboard, and made the boat a cigarette lighter
i was about to smoke a joint in the park
but then i saw a sign that said "keep off the grass" and felt judged.
You can explore smoke kush reddit one liners, including funnies and gags. Read them and you will understand what jokes are funny? Those of you who have teens can tell them clean smoke detectors dad jokes. There are also smoke puns for kids, 5 year olds, boys and girls.
What do ducks smoke?
Qwack
how do you know you are a real redneck?
you let your 12yr old daughter smoke in front of her kids.
Why do people in Beijing smoke so many cigarettes?
To get a breath of filtered air.
What do you call a Mormon who likes to smoke, drink, swear and have sex with strangers?
An oxymormon.
After sex, a lot of people like to smoke a cigarette.
As a gay man, me and my boyfriend smoke weed after sex. After all, in the bible it says "if a man lies with another man, he should be stoned."
My wife and I only smoke after sex; I've had the same pack since 2003.
She's up to three packs a day.
What kind of weed do reptiles smoke?
Mariguana.
Nighttime. You're alone on a small boat at sea, hours away from any land. All you brought with you is a pack of cigarettes. You wanna smoke, but realize you forgot a lighter. What do you do?
You just take out a cigarette, throw it off the boat into the water... thus, making the boat a cigarette lighter.
GRANDPA'S CONDOMS
An old man finds a condom in his grandson's apartment and asks what it is.
"It's a condom," replies the grandson, sheepishly.
"What do you use it for?" asks Grandpa.
The grandson is embarrassed, so he says, "I use it to keep my cigarettes dry when I smoke in the rain."
Grandpa says, "That's a great idea." He goes to the drug store and asks the pharmacist for a condom.
"What size would you like?" asks the pharmacist.
"Big enough to fit a Camel."
Secret to Long Life
A woman walked up to a little old man rocking in a chair on his porch. "I couldn't help noticing how happy you look," she said. "What's your secret for a long happy life?"
"I smoke three packs of cigarettes a day," he said. "I also drink a case of whiskey a week, eat fatty foods, and never exercise."
"That's amazing," said the woman, "how old are you?"
"Twenty-six," he said.
Joe was heading towards the end of a round of golf...
...when hit his ball into the woods and found it in a patch of pretty, yellow buttercups. Trying to get his ball back in play, he ended up thrashing just about every buttercup in the patch.
All of a sudden, POOF! In a flash and puff of smoke, a little old woman appeared.
She yelled, I'm Mother Nature! Do you know how long it took me to make those buttercups?
Just for doing what you have done, you won't have any butter for your popcorn for the rest of your life.
Better still, you won't have any butter for your toast for the rest of your life.
As a matter of fact, you'll never have any butter for anything for the rest of your life!!!
Then POOF! she was gone!
After Joe recovered from the shock, he hollered for his friend, Bill, where are you?
Bill yells back, I'm over here in the pussywillows.
Joe shouts back, 'DON'T SWING, BILL. FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, DON'T SWING !
My wife and I said we would only smoke after sex....
I have had the same pack of cigarettes since 2007, im starting to get worried about my wife though shes been going through 3 packs a day!
Why don't cows smoke weed?
The steaks would just be too high.
What happens when you smoke pot in Saudi Arabia?
You get stoned.
A young priest asked his bishop, May I smoke while praying? ...
The answer was an emphatic No!
Later, when he sees an older priest puffing on a cigarette while praying, the younger priest scolded him, You shouldn't be smoking while praying! I asked the bishop, and he said I couldn't do it!
That's odd, the old priest replied. I asked the bishop if I could pray while I'm smoking, and he told me that it was okay to pray at any time!
How did you quit smoking?
Decided to smoke only after sex
What happens if you smoke weed in a musilm country?
Simple, you get stoned twice
I was going to smoke a joint with some Mexicans
But when I asked if anyone had papers, they all ran off.
Doctor, How can I live longer than 100 years?
Doctor, how can I live longer than 100 years?
Do you smoke?
No.
Do you eat too much?
No.
Do you go to bed late?
No.
Do you have affairs with promiscuous women?
No.
Then why would you want to live more than 100 years?
A bar is burning to the ground, and a team of firefighters rush in to put it out.
A bar is burning to the ground and a team of firefighters rush in to put out the fire. When they get inside they see an Irishman passed out from smoke inhalation. They drag him out of the bar and eventually the Irishman comes to. The firefighter says "you were there, how did this whole thing get started?!" The Irishman responds "I don't know it was burning when I walked in"
I quit smoking for good
Now I smoke for evil.
When midgets smoke weed...
...do they get high, or do they just get medium?
Fidel Castro was a cigar-smoking, repressive leader who hated free speech and a free press.
Donald Trump, in comparison, doesn't smoke.
- Doctor, I want to live very old
- Do you drink?
- Never, only water.
- You smoke?
- Oh no, my body is a temple
- Do you have crazy nights out dancing while doing cocaine and coming back home to have unprotected sex with multiple partners?
- Never, I'm single and abstinent.
- I see. So could you explain me exactly why you want to live old?
My best friend tried to hide his drug dealing through a fake tobacco company and glass manufacturer.
It was all just smoke and mirrors.
A muslim man came into my shop and bought six smoke machines, so I phoned the police..
He's probably part of an extreme mist group
I used to smoke weed and go to class...
Sneak in ten minutes late with a bullshit excuse. Slink down low at my desk. Pray to God nobody asked me any questions.
I was the best teacher ever.
I have recently become a new man
I don't drink, i smoke very rarely, i don't stare at girls, i go to sleep early, i wake up early and I work hard everyday. My supervisors are happy with me. I will definitely abandon this lifestyle once i get out of jail.
My girlfriend's such a bad cook,
she uses the smoke alarm as a timer.
I was about to smoke weed with a couple cute Mexican girls...
I asked them if they had papers. They immediately ran off.
10-inch BIC
Two guys are out fishing on a boat when one of them wants to have a smoke.
1: You got a lighter?
2: Yes. *pulls out a 10 inch long BIC lighter*
1: Woah, where'd you get that!?
2: I have a personal genie.
1: Cool! Can I make a wish?
2: Sure, just be very clear, he's a bit hard of hearing. *Summons genie*
1: I wish for a million bucks!
*The genie snaps his fingers and a million ducks fly overhead.*
1: Wow, your genie really sucks at hearing.
2: I know, do you really think I asked for a 10 inch BIC?
Slow typing...
After 25 years... I was chatting with my classmate -my childhood crush online. She asked me why am I typing so slow. I said because my other hand isn't free.
She's not replying anymore.
Lesson learnt
-Never smoke while texting..
Do your horses smoke?
No.
Well, then I think your stable is burning.
An Irish man is pulled from a burning bar..
He is completely covered in soot and smells strongly of smoke.
When asked about how the fire started the man says "damned if I know, the place was in blazes when I got 'ere!"
Whenever people tell me smoking is bad for me, I tell them that my great Grandmother lived to be 100 years old.
And when they say "did she smoke her whole life" I say "no, but she was real good at minding her own business"
There are 3 men on a boat and 4 cigarettes, they don't have a lighter, how do they smoke?
they toss one cigarette over board to make the boat a cigarette lighter.
When I...
A man walks into a bar, orders a drink, and yells "When I drink, everybody drinks!". Everybody rushes to the counter and orders a drink.
After that, he orders another drink and yells "When I get another drink, everybody gets another drink!". Everybody rushes to the counter and orders another drink.
After finishing the drink, the man orders a sandwich and yells "When I eat, everybody eats!". Everybody rushes to the counter and orders food.
After eating the sandwich, the man buys a cigarette and yells "When I get a smoke, everybody gets a smoke!". Everybody rushes to the counter and gets a cigarette.
After smoking, the man pays $25 and yells "When I pay, everybody pays!"
A plane takes off with two hours delay. Once in the air a passenger asks the flight attendant:
"why did we take off so late?"
To which the flight attendant replies:
"well the pilot noticed some smoke and weird noises coming from the left engine and it took us a while to find another pilot willing to fly this plane."
I tried to get a handjob from a blind girl last night.
After a few tries, I got it into her hand.
She said: Sorry I don't smoke.
Nurse to my dad at the hospital...
... after he was hit by a car on his bike: do you smoke?
Dad, still not sure who the current president is: only when I'm on fire
Nurse: looks to my mom
Mom: no.
My wife and I decided only to smoke after sex
I haven't had a cigarette in 10 years but my wife is up to two packs a day
Just came back from Dubai where a sheikh offered me 30 camels for my wife.
I usually smoke Marlboro but who could resist an offer like that?
I was gonna smoke weed with this Mexican girl
Until I asked her for some papers and she ran off.
The janitor lady in our apartment building wanted me to hang out with her and smoke pot. I said no.
I tend to avoid high maintenance women.
Today I decided I won't smoke anymore
I won't smoke any less either though.
Jack and Jill went up the hill to smoke some marijuana.
Jack got high and grabbed her thigh and said You know you wanna . Jill said yes, pulled up her dress and then they had some fun. But silly Jill forgot her pill and now they have a son.
Use contraceptives kids.
The cleaning lady at work asked if I wanted to smoke a J with her
I declined because I'm not interested in high maintenance women
My wife asked if she could have some peace and quiet while she tried to cook dinner
So I took the batteries out of the smoke alarm
What do ducks smoke?
Quack.
A man noticed that his friend only smoked two cigarettes at a time.
He asked him about it and his friend said: "one for me and one on my imprisoned brother's behalf. He told me to smoke for him too"
Years later, the man saw his friend smoking only one cigarette, he told him: "I'm guessing good news! Your brother finished his sentence?"
His friend said: "No, I quit smoking"
The janitor of my apartment building asked if I wanted to smoke some weed with her
I told her no. I can't stand high maintenance women.
There's a guy who smokes 2 cigarettes together
They asked him: why do you always smoke 2 cigarettes together?
He said: one for me, and one for my brother in prison.
After a while they saw him smoking one cigarette only and they asked him: so your brother is out of the jail?
He said: no, I stopped smoking.
The female janitor in my building asked if I would smoke some weed with her.
I said no; I can't deal with high maintenance women.
Wanna know how I quit smoking?
I decided to smoke only after sex.
A penguin is driving to the mall...
All of a sudden his engine starts running really rough, and smoke is coming from under the hood. Luckily, there's an auto repair shop right next to the mall, so he pulls in there. The mechanic says he'll be glad to take a look, but he won't be able to get to it for a couple hours. The penguin says fine, and walks across the street to the mall.
He kills time walking around the mall, does some window shopping, buys an ice cream cone, etc. Finally the two hours are up and he goes back to the mechanic.
The penguin says, "Have you had time to look at my engine?"
The mechanic says, "Yeah, it looks like you blew a seal."
The penguin says, "No, that's just ice cream."
My wife asked if she could have a little peace and quiet while she cooked dinner
So I took the batteries out of the smoke detector.
If you smoke seaweed on the beach...
...do you experience high tide?
My dentist said my teeth were stained and then asked me "Do you smoke or drink coffee?"
I said ... "I drink it"
A janitor at my work offered me to come over and smoke weed with her..
I said no, sorry I can't stand high maintenance women.
Today I cooked something for my family and they all said it was terrible.
Jokes on them, the smoke detector thought it was fire.
What to pick
An angel appears in a puff of smoke to a man and says to him, "Because you have lived a good and virtuous life, I can offer you a gift: you can be the most handsome man in the world, or you can have infinite wisdom, or you can have limitless wealth." Reflecting, the man says, "I'll take the wisdom"
"Wisdom is yours," says the angel, disappearing in another puff. The smoke is barely clear before the man thinks, "I should have taken the money."
Just a schoolgirl waiting for her dad…
While waiting for my dad, two of the school janitors came outside and started smoking a joint.
When my dad saw us, he ran into the cloud of smoke, grabbed me by the arm and shoved me into the car!
What's wrong with you? Why are you angry at ME? I protested. I didn't even do anything!
He glared at me in the rear view mirror. I will not have any daughter of mine wasting her time with high maintenance people!
A janitor at my work asked me to come over and smoke weed with her!!
I told her No. I can't stand high maintenance women.
"Do you smoke?"
*"Yes."*
"Do you know that smoking shortens your life."
*"Yeah I know."*
"How old are you?"
*"18."*
"You would have been 28 by now."
A woman walked up to a little old man rocking in a chair on his porch...
"I couldn't help noticing how happy you look," she said. "What's your secret for a long happy life?"
"I smoke three packs of cigarettes a day," he said. "I also drink a case of whiskey a week, eat fatty foods, and never exercise."
"That's amazing," the woman said. "How old are you?'
"Twenty-six."
Instead of a Handyman, my apartment complex has a Handywoman.
She's a bit of a pothead but damn good at her job. Today she asked me if I wanted to smoke with her but I declined cuz I can't stand high maintenance women.
My teeth were stained, so the dentist asked me, do you smoke or drink coffee?
I told him I drink it.
My wife wanted peace and quiet whilst cooking..
.. so I took the batteries out of the smoke detector.
I told my Dr. I only smoke once every blue moon….
The problem is my refrigerator is full of them.
My wife asked for peace and quiet while she cooked dinner.
So I took the batteries out of the smoke alarm.
Fire broke out at a local marijuana farm, and the smoke began to drift to a nearby cattle ranch.
The steaks were high
My wife made me stop burning clocks
She was worried about all that second hand smoke
The cleaning lady at my office invited me to go smoke weed after work, but I told her no
I made a commitment to myself to avoid high maintenance women
What do you call it when some dead cows smoke weed and play poker?
High steaks
I was told not to make fun of my girlfriend for waving smoke around the house for good luck.
It was some sage advice.
I heard that if you drink beer and smoke weed that you'll gain an extra 50 IQ points...
They call this phenomenon "Budweiser"
what does a dyslexic Mexican smoke?
Tabasco
Apparently when they ask you if you smoke or drink at the doctor's office
It's not an offer
One woman said to another, "Do you smoke after you make love?"
"I don't know. I've never looked."
A travelling Bishop made a stop at a monastery
He walked around and was surprised with many monks praying and smoking at the same time. He asked the monastery superior about it.
Monk: "Well, we requested Synod to clarify whether it was OK to smoke while praying. They said NO"
Bishop: "????? ......"
Monk: " .... but then we asked whether it was OK to pray while smoking and they found nothing wrong with that"
Just think that there are jokes based on truth that can bring down governments, or jokes which make girl laugh. Many of the smoke cigarette puns are supposed to be funny, but some can be offensive. When jokes go too far, we try to silence them and it will be great if you give us feedback every time when a joke become inappropriate.
We suggest to use only working smoke cigar piadas for adults and blagues for friends. Some of the dirty witze and dark jokes are funny, but use them with caution in real life. Try to remember funny jokes you've never heard to tell your friends and will make you laugh.