The Best 59 Smith Jokes
Following is our collection of funny Smith jokes. There are some smith surnames jokes no one knows (to tell your friends) and to make you laugh out loud.
Take your time to read those puns and riddles where you ask a question with answers, or where the setup is the punchline. We hope you will find these smith smith machine puns funny enough to tell and make people laugh.
Top 10 of the Funniest Smith Jokes and Puns
A ten-year-old boy called his school office and disguised his voice.
Speaking with as much baritone as he could muster he said, "Timmy Smith is very sick and he can't come to school today." The school secretary said, "I'm sorry to hear that. Who is this?" And the boy said, "This is my Dad."
Poor ol' Billy Smith
Last night, the barman asked, "How come every time you come in here with your wife, Billy Smith quickly finishes his pint and leaves?"
I replied, "Billy was actually the first person to introduce us."
"So?"
"So, I usually punch him when I see him."
Considerate.
*An old silly one...but a grin inducer nevertheless*
Mr. Fienstein called the FM radio station and said "I've found a wallet with $400, a credit card and an ID card belonging to Mr. Smith, No.13,Halls Rd, Jackson, TN."
To which the radio jockey says " Oh how honest. So you want his wallet returned back to him?"
Mr. Fieinstein says "Noβ¦β¦. I just wanted you to play a sad song for him".
Mr. Smith, the president of a large corporation...
One day Mr. Smith, the president of a large corporation, called his vice-president, Dave, into his office and said, "We're making some cutbacks, so either Jack or Barbara will have to be laid off." Dave looked at Mr. Smith and said, "Barbara is my best worker, but Jack has a wife and three kids. I don't know whom to fire."
The next morning Dave waited for his employees to arrive. Barbara was the first to come in, so Dave said, "Barbara, I've got a problem. You see, I've got to lay you or Jack off and I don't know what to do?" Barbara replied, "Well, you'd better jack off. I've got a headache."
"Mr. Smith, I have reviewed this case very carefully,"
...and I've decided to give your wife $275 a week," said the divorce court judge.
"That's very fair, your honor," the husband replied, "and every now and then I'll try and send her a few bucks myself."
Alex- Have you heard? Professor Smith from our apartment house is gay!
Matt - Wow, what a surprise! I have been sleeping with him for half a year, but never knew he was a professor...
i just crashed my car in a lane between two houses, owned by mr and mrs ball, and one owned by mr and mrs smith
thank god i was dragged out by the smiths
Last Names.
It's commonly known that a lot of last names originate from an ancestor's profession, or what they were known for, hundreds of years ago.
If your last name is Smith, it's likely one of your ancestors was a blacksmith.
If your last name is Cooper, they may have been a cooper, who were known for making barrels.
If your last name is Dickinson I wouldn't delve too deep into your family history.
Smith & Wesson Joke
A customer came in to where I work told me this one. Thought I'd share:
Have you heard Smith & Wesson is making a pair of revolvers to commemorate the government shutdown? They will be called The Congressman and The Senator respectively. They don't actually do anything and you can't fire them.
Last Names
Back in olden days, people got their last names by their profession or something they were known for. For example, if your last name is smith, your ancestor was a black smith. If your last name is Carpenter your ancestor was a carpenter. And if your last name is Dickinson I have some bad news
Mr. Smith is Dead
A law firm receptionist answered the phone the morning after the firm's senior partner had passed away unexpectedly.
"Is Mr. Smith there?", asked the client on the phone.
"I'm very sorry, but Mr. Smith passed away last night," the receptionist answered.
"Is Mr. Smith there?", repeated the client.
The receptionist was perplexed. "Perhaps you didn't understand me I'm afraid Mr. Smith passed away last night."
"Is Mr. Smith there?", asked the client again.
"Ma'am, do you understand what I'm saying?", said the exasperated receptionist. "Mr. Smith is DEAD!"
"I understand you perfectly," the client sighed. "I just can't hear it often enough."
You can explore smith wesson reddit one liners, including funnies and gags. Read them and you will understand what jokes are funny? Those of you who have teens can tell them clean smith goldman dad jokes. There are also smith puns for kids, 5 year olds, boys and girls.
England soccer team have got a new captain today
His names George Smith and he'll be flying the A380 back to Heathrow..
Who said rednecks aren't real smart?
"Hello, is this here the Sheriff's Office?"
"Yes. What can I do for you?"
"I'm calling to report my neighbor, Virgil Smith. He's drillin' holes in his farwood and hiding marijuana inside!"
"Thank you very much for the call, sir."
The next day, the Sheriff & his deputies descend on Virgil's house. They search the shed where the firewood is kept.
Using axes, they split every piece of wood, but find no marijuana. They sneer at Virgil and leave.
The phone rings at Virgil's house. "Hey, Virgil! This here is Floyd. Did the Sheriff come?"
"Yeah!"
"Did they split yer farwood?"
"Yep!"
"Happy Birthday, buddy!"
A man enters a golfing tournament...
... but he is terrible at golf. However, an evil leprechaun lives at the golf course. He says to the man,
"I see you are terrible at golf, but I can help you win the tournament, if you agree to never marry."
The man agrees.
After he wins the tournament, the leprechaun asks for his name.
The man says:
"Father Smith" as he adjusts his priest's collar.
(A priest joke with 100% less pedophilia!)
How did Will Smith get caught for committing 1st degree murder?
He left fresh prints all over the scene.
Poor Little Johnny...
Little Johnny is sitting on his porch crying.
His neighbor, Mr. Smith, is concerned, comes over and asks "Johnny, why are ya crying like that?"
Johnny says sobbingly, "Oh Mr. Smith, I just came home from school and found my Dad dead on the floor and I don't know what to do!"
Mr. Smith is shocked and says "Oh no Johnny. How can I help? Let me go get the town priest for you?"
To which Johnny states "God no... I can't think about sex at a time like this!"
A boy thinks his English teacher is attractive
One day after school he finally works up the courage to tell her how he feels. "Ms. Smith you're smart and beautiful, can I have sex with you?" The teacher responds, "I don't know, may you have sex with me?"
Little Johnny at the playground
Finding one of her students making faces at others on the playground, Ms. Smith stopped to gently reprimand the child. Smiling sweetly, the Sunday school teacher said, "Johnny, when I was a little girl, I was told if that I made ugly faces, it would freeze and I would stay like that." Little Johnny looked up and replied, "Well, Ms Smith, you can't say you weren't warned."
A blonde woman finds a dead body...
Immediately, she calls the police.
She says, "Hello, I have found a dead body"
The 911 operator replies, "Ok. Thank you for letting us know. Can you tell me the street on which you found it?"
She looks around and says, "Eucalyptus Street"
The operator asks, "Can you spell it for me?"
The blonde women thinks, and tells the operator, "Don't worry, I'll just move it to Smith Street"
How do you find Will Smith in the Snow?
I don't know. Just look for the Fresh prints! Ha ha.
He's also black.
So my wife just hit me with a "mom joke".
She says, "oh look, there's whiteout conditions in Washington D.C. I bet Will Smith is gonna boycott"!
A man got lost on a camping trip
A man got lost on a camping trip. Rescuers scoured the wilderness until a medical emergency team finally spotted a solitary figure across a wide chasm.
Charlie Smith, someone shouted, is that you?
Yes, it is, came the reply. Who are you?
We're from the Red Cross.
I gave at the office! Charlie shouted back.
Mr. Smith is on vacation with his wife and mother-in-law in Jerusalem
One day, his mother-in-law dies quite suddenly. An undertaker proposes to bury the deceased there in Jerusalem.
'No, thank you,' says Mr. Smith. 'I'd rather have the body shipped back to New York.'
'But why not?' asks the undertaker. 'Shipping a body is expensive, and I could organise a beautiful ceremony here...'
'Look, sir! We're talking about my mother-in-law... Two thousand years ago, they buried a young man here who was resurrected three days later; I'm not taking any chances!'
A cop pulls over a woman
The officer comes to the window of the car and asks the woman "Mam, do you have any weapons in the car?"
The woman replies "Well, I have a 12 gauge in the trunk, a smith and wesen in the glove compartment, a colt on my side, and a derenger strapped to my boot."
The officer says "My god woman, what are you afraid of?"
She says "Absolutely nothing."
A policeman knocked at my door.....
I answered and he said "Mr. Smith? it's your wife, I'm afraid it looks like she's been in an accident."
I said "I know, but she has a great personality and is a wonderful mΜΆuΜΆmΜΆ cook."
A Man Goes to the Doctor...
The Doctor says, "Mr. Smith - you have to stop masturbating."
The man replies, "Why, Doctor?"
The Doctor says, "Because I'm trying to examine you."
[Originally heard from Walter Cronkite and Robin Williams]
You know many surnames are taken from jobs. Taylor , Smith , Cooper, etc.
Man, am I glad my last name isn't Dickinson!
One Sunday morning in church...
... as Pastor Smith is about to deliver his sermon he asks the congregation how many of them managed to read Mark Chapter 17 as he'd asked them to the previous Sunday.
Almost all hands in the church went up.
"Very well," Pastor Smith continued. "By the way, Mark only has 16 chapters, and the topic of today's sermon shall be lying."
Lot's of people know about Will Smith and rap, but did you know he's good with metal too?
Because he's a black Smith.
James Bond gets called into M's office
M: I have a job for you. You will have to disguise yourself as a blond businessman called John Smith.
Bond: But I have dark hair! Do you expect me to wear a wig or something?!
M: No mister Bond, I expect you to dye.
My grandmother went to a gynecologist to check on hey cervical cancer.
The doctor says to my grandmother: "Now, Mrs. Smith, I'm going to insert my finger..."
My grandmother replies: "Can you put in two? I want a second opinion."
DOCTOR DOCTOR
Doctor Doctor, I can't feel my legs!
Yes, I'm very sorry Mr Smith, we had to amputate your arms
Car Crash
I crashed my car between two houses today. Mr and Mrs Ball live in the left house and Mr and Mrs Smith live in the right house....
Thank God I was dragged out by the Smiths!!
Dr: "Mr Smith, your wife is comfortable."
Husband: "I thought she was in a coma and critical condition."
Dr: "She is, the nurses are using her as a beanbag."
Ugly Faces
Finding one of her students making faces at others on the playground, Ms. Smith stopped to have a talk with the child. Smiling sweetly, the Sunday School teacher said, "Johnny, when I was a child, I was told if that I made ugly faces, it would freeze and I would stay like that." Johnny looked up and replied, "Well, Ms Smith, you can't say you weren't warned."
Many surnames come from the job people's ancestors used to have. For example, the Smith family were related to a smith, the Baker family were related to a baker and then there's the Dickinson family...
Who were related to people from Alabama.
Well - Mrs. Smith, it would seem that you're pregnant.
Sweet Jesus, that's wonderful, I'm pregnant, Doctor?!
Oh not at all, but at first glance, it would certainly seem so. Here's our weight loss brochure.
A man decides to open up a business...
Sadly, he is located right between two other shops in the same line of business he wishes to enter. To his left, a large sign reads "Smith and Co.", to his right theres "Winstons Finest". So, after a bit of pondering, he decides to name his shop "Main Entrance"
You know how to find Will Smith in the snow, don't you?
Just look for the fresh prints.
Sergeant: Smith! I didn't see you at camouflage practice today!
Private Smith: Thank you, Sir!
Pirate Captain: Mistar Smith, do ya know how ta write two in Roman Numbers?
Mr. Smith: II captain.
How do you find Will Smith in a snowstorm?
Look for the fresh prints
how can you find will smith in the snow?
look for fresh prints
Smith!
Sir, yessir!
I didn't see you at the camouflage training practice today!
Thank you, sir!
The merry widow dies and goes to heaven
When she gets to the pearly gates she asks if she can be reunited with her late husband.
St Peter: "What's his name?"
Her: "Ted Smith."
St Peter: "We've got many, many Ted Smiths up here. Help me narrow it down. Where was he buried and what were his last words?"
Her: "He was buried in Woodbank Cemetery and his last words to me were that if I ever slept with another man, he'd turn in his grave."
St Peter: "Oh right, whirling Ted Smith."
What's the best way to hunt Will Smith?
Look for the fresh prints
A construction worker named John Smith had an accident at work and died.
His co-workers don't know who is going to tell John's wife that he died.
After a lot of arguing they decide that Jack should bring the news.
After an hour Jack returns with two crates of beer. Everone asks him how he got them.
Jack : I knocked on the door and a woman opened it. I asked: Are you John Smith's widow?
The woman answered : No, I'm his wife!
Jack: You want to bet two crates of beer that you're not?
A young lady sitting alone in a restaurant when maitre'd approaches with a presentable looking gentlemen
\- I am sorry. We are overbooked, but i see you have a sit available at your table. Would you mind if this gentlemen shares a table with you?
She agrees. And before taking his sit the gentlemen introduces himself.
\- Hello, My name is John Smith. I am a politician, but I want to let you know that I am a honest person.
She says:
\- It's a pleasure to meet you. My name is Natasha, I am a high-priced prostitute, but i want to let you know that i am a virgin.
An elderly woman went into the doctor's office.
When the doctor asked why she was there, she replied, "I'd like to have some birth-control pills."
Taken aback, the doctor thought for a minute and then said, "Excuse me, Mrs. Smith, but you're 72 years old. What possible use could you have for birth control pills?"
The woman responded, "They help me sleep better."
The doctor thought some more and continued, "How in the world do birth control pills help you to sleep?"
The woman said, "Simple. I put them in my granddaughter's orange juice every morning and I sleep better at night."
Two doctors, Jenkins and Smith, are treating a man with lung disease.
They're explaining how him smoking weed led to his condition worsening.
But it's just herbal! the patient protested. How can it be bad?
Dr Jenkins sighed. Apricot stones contain lethal amounts of cyanide. There is a certain plant in my back garden - if you sit under it for just ten minutes, you will die. Just because it's natural doesn't mean it's safe for you!
The man seemed to accept that, and after he and the doctors parted ways, Dr Smith asked, What is that plant that kills you if you sit under it?
A water lily.
A man knocked on Mrs Smith's door.
"I'm afraid there's been a terrible accident at the brewery," he said.
"Your husband fell into a giant vat of beer and drowned."
Mrs Smith started crying. "Oh poor thing, he had no chance!"
"I don't know about that," the man replied. "He got out three times to use the toilet."
What do you call a guy who won't stop making swords?
Will Smith
On the Sherrifs Wife's Death Bed
On her death bed, the Sheriff's wife confesses that she cheated on him three times, but swears it was always for a good reason. He asks what happened, and she says, "Well, the first time, remember when Dr. Smith said he we couldn't afford the operation, and then he changed his mind and did it for free?" He says yes, and forgives her. "And the second time, do you remember when our boy got a DUI, and the judge let him off with probation?" He says yes, and forgives her. "And last, do you remember when the polls had you about a hundred votes shy of winning the election for Sheriff?"
(Sorry if Tha Joke was already taken) An American and a Soviet Russian...
Were Talking About Their Countries Freedom of Freedom and Rights , The American said : "Mr Kutznesova , in the Usa i can go right into the White House and say to President Ronald Reagan that he's way to Manage the Country isnt Right for Me " . The Russian Guy replied : " Mr Smith , i can also go to my President Gorbacev and say that i don't like the Way Ronald Reagan manages his Country".
Back at the nursing home,
A few evenings a week, Mr Jones would visit Ms Smith in her room. They would sit on the bed and talk and as they did, she would just simply hold his private part in her hand. They enjoyed this very much.
Then Mr Jones stopped visiting. As a few weeks went by, Ms Smith stopped Mr Jones in the hall and asked him why he stopped visiting.
He said, I visit Ms Clark now. And Ms Smith says, What does she have that I don't have? He answers, Parkinson's
You know, Will Smith can never get lost....
because where there is a Will, there is a way.
How do you find Will Smith in the snow?
You look for the Fresh Prints.
(Compliments of my teenager)
What is the first thing Will Smith looks for at a crime scene?
Fresh Prints
Old joke from my missionary grandpa.
Two guys go to a preacher to be healed. One guy, Danny, has a lisp. The other, Mr. Smith, is paralyzed from the waist down and cannot walk. The preacher tells them, however, not to worry.
"The Lord is going to heal you. Are you ready?"
"Yes," says Mr. Smith,. "Yeth", says Danny.
"Okay, when I say the word, Mr. Smith, throw down your crutches! And Danny, you say the first thing that comes to your mind!"
The preacher begins some silent prayer, and after a few seconds, he shouts: "Now! Now!"
A thud is heard. "Mr. Thmifth juth fell on the flo"
Just think that there are jokes based on truth that can bring down governments, or jokes which make girl laugh. Many of the smith ferrell jokes and puns are jokes supposed to be funny, but some can be offensive. When jokes go too far, are mean or racist, we try to silence them and it will be great if you give us feedback every time when a joke become bullying and inappropriate.
We suggest to use only working smith will smith piadas for adults and blagues for friends. Some of the dirty witze and dark jokes are funny, but use them with caution in real life. Try to remember funny jokes you've never heard to tell your friends and will make you laugh.