Smith Jokes
109 smith jokes and hilarious smith puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about smith that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.
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Funniest Smith Short Jokes
Short smith jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The smith humour may include short stein jokes also.
- Sergeant: Smith! I didn't see you at camouflage practice today! Private Smith: Thank you, Sir!
- Why don’t comedians like hanging out with Will Smith? Because he’s always improving their punchlines.
- Dr: "Mr Smith, your wife is comfortable." Husband: "I thought she was in a coma and critical condition."
Dr: "She is, the nurses are using her as a beanbag." - Did you know Will Smith can make swords? Of course he can; he's a blacksmith
Some may think the joke isn't funny, but I think it slaps. - If Will Smith, Amber Heard, and chris brown formed a band, what would its name be? The Heavy Hitters.
- England soccer team have got a new captain today His names George Smith and he'll be flying the A380 back to Heathrow..
- You know many surnames are taken from jobs. Taylor , Smith , Cooper, etc. Man, am I glad my last name isn't Dickinson!
- i just crashed my car in a lane between two houses, owned by mr and mrs ball, and one owned by mr and mrs smith thank god i was dragged out by the smiths
- Alex- Have you heard? Professor Smith from our apartment house is gay!
Matt - Wow, what a surprise! I have been sleeping with him for half a year, but never knew he was a professor... - Lot's of people know about Will Smith and rap, but did you know he's good with metal too? Because he's a black Smith.
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Smith One Liners
Which smith one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with smith? I can suggest the ones about phony and wick.
- How do you follow Will Smith in a snow storm? You follow the fresh prints.
- What does Chris Rock have on his face right now? Fresh prints!
- What's the difference between Chris Rock and Will Smith? Chris Rock can take a hit
- What do Putin, Batman and Will Smith have in common? They all attacked a comedian
- What's the best way to hunt Will Smith? Look for the fresh prints
- If Jada Pinkett Smith one day falls into depression. It's because she lost her Will.
- How come the Fresh Prince was able to craft a sword? He's a black Smith.
- A jeweler and blacksmith gets married. What do they name their kid? Jaden Smith
- I know a man with one leg named Smith i don't know what he named the other one
- How do you track Will Smith in the woods? You use fresh prints.
- How come you never read about Will Smith anymore? Because paper covers Rock.
- I just heard the Queen is dead! Probably my favourite Smiths album
- What is the first thing Will Smith looks for at a crime scene? Fresh Prints
- What do you call a guy who won't stop making swords? Will Smith
- My favorite Will Smith movie is the one where he is part of a map I Am Legend
Will Smith Jokes
Here is a list of funny will smith jokes and even better will smith puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- DOCTOR DOCTOR Doctor Doctor, I can't feel my legs!
Yes, I'm very sorry Mr Smith, we had to amputate your arms - So my wife just hit me with a "mom joke". She says, "oh look, there's whiteout conditions in Washington D.C. I bet Will Smith is gonna boycott"!
- Both Will Smith and me having our wives attacked at least I didn’t get up and slap anybody, which is good
- Filming *Aladdin* must have been physically very hard on Will Smith. I understand that at the end of each day shooting he was black and blue.
- Top 5 highest Paid Black Actors 1. Terry Crews $800,000,000
2. Bill Cosby $400,000,000
3. Will Smith $350,000,000
4. Robert Downey Jr $300,000,000
5. Denzel Washington $280,000,000 - Now that Will Smith has apologised for slapping Chris Rock, his conscience is clean. His wife on the other hand, is Mr Clean.
- I met a man in the park with a wooden leg named Smith. I asked him what his other leg was called.
- "Welcome to the 41st Annual meeting of the Ohio Parasites Club" "I'm Andrew Smith, and I'll be your host for the day"
- - Your Honor, I beg you. I have a wife and three children. I cannot go back to this nightmare. \- I'm sorry, Mr. Smith. You served your time and you are now a free man.
- How do you figure out if Will Smith committed a crime? Dust for Fresh Prints!
(i this version better than any snowstorm b.s.)
Experience Instant Grins & Giggles with Playful Smith Jokes
What funny jokes about smith you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean maker jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make smith pranks.
A ten-year-old boy called his school office and disguised his voice.
Speaking with as much baritone as he could muster he said, "Timmy Smith is very sick and he can't come to school today." The school secretary said, "I'm sorry to hear that. Who is this?" And the boy said, "This is my Dad."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Poor ol' Billy Smith
Last night, the barman asked, "How come every time you come in here with your wife, Billy Smith quickly finishes his pint and leaves?"
I replied, "Billy was actually the first person to introduce us."
"So?"
"So, I usually punch him when I see him."
Considerate.
*An old silly one...but a grin inducer nevertheless*
Mr. Fienstein called the FM radio station and said "I've found a wallet with $400, a credit card and an ID card belonging to Mr. Smith, No.13,Halls Rd, Jackson, TN."
To which the radio jockey says " Oh how honest. So you want his wallet returned back to him?"
Mr. Fieinstein says "No……. I just wanted you to play a sad song for him".
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Mr. Smith, the president of a large corporation...
One day Mr. Smith, the president of a large corporation, called his vice-president, Dave, into his office and said, "We're making some cutbacks, so either Jack or Barbara will have to be laid off." Dave looked at Mr. Smith and said, "Barbara is my best worker, but Jack has a wife and three kids. I don't know whom to fire."
The next morning Dave waited for his employees to arrive. Barbara was the first to come in, so Dave said, "Barbara, I've got a problem. You see, I've got to lay you or j**... and I don't know what to do?" Barbara replied, "Well, you'd better j**.... I've got a headache."
My favorite joke of all time.
A man calls information for a phone number (this happened before smart phones)
Anyway, the man asks for Derp Smith in Derpville, California.
The operator says "I have many listings for Derp Smith, do you have a street name?"
The man thought for a moment and replied
"Well, some people call me Iceman."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
The Vicar's Salary
At Sunday church the local Vicar explains that he must move on to
a larger congregation that will pay him more.
There is a hush within the congregation.
No one wants him to leave because he is so popular.
Fred Smith, who owns several car dealerships in Glasgow, stands up and
proclaims:
'If the Vicar stays, I will provide him with a new Mercedes every
year, and his wife with a Volkswagen mini-van to transport their
children!'
The congregation sighs in appreciation and applauds.
Sam Brown, a successful entrepreneur and publican, stands and says, if
the Vicar will stay on here, I'll personally double his salary
and establish a foundation to guarantee private secondary school
education for all of his children!'
More sighs and loud applause.
Agnes Jones, age 88, stands and announces with a smile,
'If the Vicar stays, I will give him free s**....'
There is total silence.
The Preacher, blushing, asks her:
'Mrs. Jones, you're a wonderful and holy lady, whatever possessed you
to say that?'
Agnes's 90-year old husband, Joe, is now trying to hide, holding his
forehead with the palm of his hand and shaking
his head from side to side, while his wife replies:
'Well, I just asked my husband how we could help, and he said, 'Fuck him'.
"Mr. Smith, I have reviewed this case very carefully,"
...and I've decided to give your wife $275 a week," said the divorce court judge.
"That's very fair, your honor," the husband replied, "and every now and then I'll try and send her a few bucks myself."
Last Names.
It's commonly known that a lot of last names originate from an ancestor's profession, or what they were known for, hundreds of years ago.
If your last name is Smith, it's likely one of your ancestors was a blacksmith.
If your last name is Cooper, they may have been a cooper, who were known for making barrels.
If your last name is Dickinson I wouldn't delve too deep into your family history.
Smith & Wesson Joke
A customer came in to where I work told me this one. Thought I'd share:
Have you heard Smith & Wesson is making a pair of revolvers to commemorate the government shutdown? They will be called The Congressman and The Senator respectively. They don't actually do anything and you can't fire them.
Mr. Smith is Dead
A law firm receptionist answered the phone the morning after the firm's senior partner had passed away unexpectedly.
"Is Mr. Smith there?", asked the client on the phone.
"I'm very sorry, but Mr. Smith passed away last night," the receptionist answered.
"Is Mr. Smith there?", repeated the client.
The receptionist was perplexed. "Perhaps you didn't understand me I'm afraid Mr. Smith passed away last night."
"Is Mr. Smith there?", asked the client again.
"Ma'am, do you understand what I'm saying?", said the exasperated receptionist. "Mr. Smith is DEAD!"
"I understand you perfectly," the client sighed. "I just can't hear it often enough."
A blonde visited a bar...
A blonde visited a bar for the first time, sat at the table in front of the bartender.
A guy at her left ordered, "Jack Daniels, Single"
A guy at her right ordered, "Johnny Walker, Single "
The bartender looked at the lady, said ,"and what about you?"
Lady replied,"Amber Smith, Married"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Who said r**... aren't real smart?
"Hello, is this here the Sheriff's Office?"
"Yes. What can I do for you?"
"I'm calling to report my neighbor, Virgil Smith. He's drillin' holes in his farwood and hiding m**... inside!"
"Thank you very much for the call, sir."
The next day, the Sheriff & his deputies descend on Virgil's house. They search the shed where the firewood is kept.
Using axes, they split every piece of wood, but find no m**.... They sneer at Virgil and leave.
The phone rings at Virgil's house. "Hey, Virgil! This here is Floyd. Did the Sheriff come?"
"Yeah!"
"Did they split yer farwood?"
"Yep!"
"Happy Birthday, buddy!"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A man enters a golfing tournament...
... but he is terrible at golf. However, an evil leprechaun lives at the golf course. He says to the man,
"I see you are terrible at golf, but I can help you win the tournament, if you agree to never marry."
The man agrees.
After he wins the tournament, the leprechaun asks for his name.
The man says:
"Father Smith" as he adjusts his priest's collar.
(A priest joke with 100% less p**...!)
man with a wooden leg
My friend said he knew a man with a wooden leg named Smith.
So I asked him "What was the name of his other leg?"
(Try this one with your students the next time you are teaching a lesson that includes this type of grammer.)
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
How did Will Smith get caught for committing 1st degree m**...?
He left fresh prints all over the scene.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Poor Little Johnny...
Little Johnny is sitting on his porch crying.
His neighbor, Mr. Smith, is concerned, comes over and asks "Johnny, why are ya crying like that?"
Johnny says sobbingly, "Oh Mr. Smith, I just came home from school and found my Dad dead on the floor and I don't know what to do!"
Mr. Smith is shocked and says "Oh no Johnny. How can I help? Let me go get the town priest for you?"
To which Johnny states "God no... I can't think about s**... at a time like this!"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A boy thinks his English teacher is attractive
One day after school he finally works up the courage to tell her how he feels. "Ms. Smith you're smart and beautiful, can I have s**... with you?" The teacher responds, "I don't know, may you have s**... with me?"
Sources are saying Geno Smith threw the first punch
but it landed a few yards short and was returned for a touchdown.
A blonde woman finds a dead body...
Immediately, she calls the police.
She says, "Hello, I have found a dead body"
The 911 operator replies, "Ok. Thank you for letting us know. Can you tell me the street on which you found it?"
She looks around and says, "Eucalyptus Street"
The operator asks, "Can you spell it for me?"
The blonde women thinks, and tells the operator, "Don't worry, I'll just move it to Smith Street"
A man got lost on a camping trip
A man got lost on a camping trip. Rescuers scoured the wilderness until a medical emergency team finally spotted a solitary figure across a wide chasm.
Charlie Smith, someone shouted, is that you?
Yes, it is, came the reply. Who are you?
We're from the Red Cross.
I gave at the office! Charlie shouted back.
Mr. Smith is on vacation with his wife and mother-in-law in Jerusalem
One day, his mother-in-law dies quite suddenly. An undertaker proposes to bury the deceased there in Jerusalem.
'No, thank you,' says Mr. Smith. 'I'd rather have the body shipped back to New York.'
'But why not?' asks the undertaker. 'Shipping a body is expensive, and I could organise a beautiful ceremony here...'
'Look, sir! We're talking about my mother-in-law... Two thousand years ago, they buried a young man here who was resurrected three days later; I'm not taking any chances!'
A cop pulls over a woman
The officer comes to the window of the car and asks the woman "Mam, do you have any weapons in the car?"
The woman replies "Well, I have a 12 gauge in the trunk, a smith and wesen in the glove compartment, a colt on my side, and a derenger strapped to my boot."
The officer says "My god woman, what are you afraid of?"
She says "Absolutely nothing."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
LifeProTip: If your child wants to help name your pet...
..let them pick the middle name. That way if they pick something silly, you can still refer to your pet by the normal name. For example, my 4 year old's rabbit is now named
Peter "floppy-eared-princess" Smith
Similarly, my 15 year old's gecko is named
Freddy "f**...-you-this-isn't-a-phase" Smith
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A Man Goes to the Doctor...
The Doctor says, "Mr. Smith - you have to stop m**...."
The man replies, "Why, Doctor?"
The Doctor says, "Because I'm trying to examine you."
[Originally heard from Walter Cronkite and Robin Williams]
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Did you hear about the magic pen that God gave Joseph Smith to write the Book of m**...?
Every time Joe wrote something made up, the pen would leave ink on the page.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Ms. Smith asked Johnny what his parents do for a living...
Ms. Smith asked Johnny what his parents do for a living.
Johnny said "My mom is a substitute."
Ms. Smith, knowing Johnny's mother said, "I think you mean p**...."
Johnny said, "No, my sister is a p**..., but when she doesn't feel well, my mom substitutes for her."
James Bond gets called into M's office
M: I have a job for you. You will have to disguise yourself as a blond businessman called John Smith.
Bond: But I have dark hair! Do you expect me to wear a wig or something?!
M: No mister Bond, I expect you to dye.
Ms. Smith told little Timmy...
Little Timmy was making strange and contorted faces. Ms. Smith came up to him and told him she was told not to make funny faces or else it would stay like that. Little Timmy replied, "Well you were warned"
My grandmother went to a gynecologist to check on hey cervical cancer.
The doctor says to my grandmother: "Now, Mrs. Smith, I'm going to insert my finger..."
My grandmother replies: "Can you put in two? I want a second opinion."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Car c**...
I crashed my car between two houses today. Mr and Mrs Ball live in the left house and Mr and Mrs Smith live in the right house....
Thank God I was dragged out by the Smiths!!
The Jones and the Smiths decided to try swinging…
… so they left for the week-end to a mountain resort where they rented two cabins, and they swapped partners for the night.
The next morning, Joe Smith woke up, and said let's go see how the ladies are doing …
Ugly Faces
Finding one of her students making faces at others on the playground, Ms. Smith stopped to have a talk with the child. Smiling sweetly, the Sunday School teacher said, "Johnny, when I was a child, I was told if that I made ugly faces, it would freeze and I would stay like that." Johnny looked up and replied, "Well, Ms Smith, you can't say you weren't warned."
Many surnames come from the job people's ancestors used to have. For example, the Smith family were related to a smith, the Baker family were related to a baker and then there's the Dickinson family...
Who were related to people from Alabama.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
The armed grenade was under a pile of chick peas, tahini and olive oil.
Captain Smith threw himself on top of it to save his men from the inevitable e**....
His medal for bravery was awarded post-hummusly
Well - Mrs. Smith, it would seem that you're pregnant.
Sweet Jesus, that's wonderful, I'm pregnant, Doctor?!
Oh not at all, but at first glance, it would certainly seem so. Here's our weight loss brochure.
What's the difference between JR Smith and a bad music composer?
One of them still knows the score
"My last name is Smith, because my dad was a blacksmith." "My last name is Fisher, because my dad was a fisherman."
"My last name is Dickinson, and I dont like this game"
A man decides to open up a business...
Sadly, he is located right between two other shops in the same line of business he wishes to enter. To his left, a large sign reads "Smith and Co.", to his right theres "Winstons Finest". So, after a bit of pondering, he decides to name his shop "Main Entrance"
The merry widow dies and goes to heaven
When she gets to the pearly gates she asks if she can be reunited with her late husband.
St Peter: "What's his name?"
Her: "Ted Smith."
St Peter: "We've got many, many Ted Smiths up here. Help me narrow it down. Where was he buried and what were his last words?"
Her: "He was buried in Woodbank Cemetery and his last words to me were that if I ever slept with another man, he'd turn in his grave."
St Peter: "Oh right, whirling Ted Smith."
Edward Carrington Marshal, the only son of John Marshall, who was the original owner of the famous Liberty Bell, was found dead.
Police suspect Will Smith, since his fresh prints were found on the bell heir.
Doctor: Miss Smith, I think you have acute appendicitis.
Miss Smith: Thank you, Doctor. I bet you have a cute appendicitis too.
A man was in a terrible accident, and his wife asked for his prognosis
Well, Mrs. Smith, your husband went into a short period of suspended animation.
Oh my God! He went into a Coma?
No, it was for only a few seconds. I'd call it more of a comma.
A construction worker named John Smith had an accident at work and died.
His co-workers don't know who is going to tell John's wife that he died.
After a lot of arguing they decide that Jack should bring the news.
After an hour Jack returns with two crates of beer. Everone asks him how he got them.
Jack : I knocked on the door and a woman opened it. I asked: Are you John Smith's widow?
The woman answered : No, I'm his wife!
Jack: You want to bet two crates of beer that you're not?
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A young lady sitting alone in a restaurant when maitre'd approaches with a presentable looking gentlemen
\- I am sorry. We are overbooked, but i see you have a sit available at your table. Would you mind if this gentlemen shares a table with you?
She agrees. And before taking his sit the gentlemen introduces himself.
\- Hello, My name is John Smith. I am a politician, but I want to let you know that I am a honest person.
She says:
\- It's a pleasure to meet you. My name is Natasha, I am a high-priced p**..., but i want to let you know that i am a v**....
An elderly woman went into the doctor's office.
When the doctor asked why she was there, she replied, "I'd like to have some birth-control pills."
Taken aback, the doctor thought for a minute and then said, "Excuse me, Mrs. Smith, but you're 72 years old. What possible use could you have for birth control pills?"
The woman responded, "They help me sleep better."
The doctor thought some more and continued, "How in the world do birth control pills help you to sleep?"
The woman said, "Simple. I put them in my granddaughter's orange juice every morning and I sleep better at night."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Two doctors, Jenkins and Smith, are treating a man with lung disease.
They're explaining how him smoking w**... led to his condition worsening.
But it's just herbal! the patient protested. How can it be bad?
Dr Jenkins sighed. Apricot stones contain lethal amounts of cyanide. There is a certain plant in my back garden - if you sit under it for just ten minutes, you will die. Just because it's natural doesn't mean it's safe for you!
The man seemed to accept that, and after he and the doctors parted ways, Dr Smith asked, What is that plant that kills you if you sit under it?
A water lily.
A man knocked on Mrs Smith's door.
"I'm afraid there's been a terrible accident at the brewery," he said.
"Your husband fell into a giant vat of beer and drowned."
Mrs Smith started crying. "Oh poor thing, he had no chance!"
"I don't know about that," the man replied. "He got out three times to use the toilet."
Doctor: 'I'm afraid, Mr Smith, that you are suffering from hypochondria'
Mr Smith: 'Oh god, not that as well!'
On the Sherrifs Wife's Death Bed
On her death bed, the Sheriff's wife confesses that she cheated on him three times, but swears it was always for a good reason. He asks what happened, and she says, "Well, the first time, remember when Dr. Smith said he we couldn't afford the operation, and then he changed his mind and did it for free?" He says yes, and forgives her. "And the second time, do you remember when our boy got a DUI, and the judge let him off with probation?" He says yes, and forgives her. "And last, do you remember when the polls had you about a hundred votes shy of winning the election for Sheriff?"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Back at the nursing home,
A few evenings a week, Mr Jones would visit Ms Smith in her room. They would sit on the bed and talk and as they did, she would just simply hold his private part in her hand. They enjoyed this very much.
Then Mr Jones stopped visiting. As a few weeks went by, Ms Smith stopped Mr Jones in the hall and asked him why he stopped visiting.
He said, I visit Ms Clark now. And Ms Smith says, What does she have that I don't have? He answers, Parkinson's
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Old joke from my m**... grandpa.
Two guys go to a preacher to be healed. o**..., Danny, has a lisp. The other, Mr. Smith, is paralyzed from the waist down and cannot walk. The preacher tells them, however, not to worry.
"The Lord is going to heal you. Are you ready?"
"Yes," says Mr. Smith,. "Yeth", says Danny.
"Okay, when I say the word, Mr. Smith, throw down your crutches! And Danny, you say the first thing that comes to your mind!"
The preacher begins some silent prayer, and after a few seconds, he shouts: "Now! Now!"
A thud is heard. "Mr. Thmifth juth fell on the flo"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A doctor found a cure for muteness
Dr. Smith, a medical professional studying human vocals, found a cure to muteness.
He found out after dealing with a patient and an unlikely scenario happened.
He receives an award for medicine, and is invited to give a speech. He speaks about his life, inspiration, and discovery. He brings the man that has been cured to the microphone.
The cured man clears his t**... for the first time in ages, and states:
"Thank you all. I don't know what to say."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Was going through my record collection when I found an old Will Smith CD..
I'd almost forgotten how that s**... slaps!
Caller: Jack Smith will not be in school today.
Teacher: Is he sick? Who is this speaking please?
Caller: This is my father speaking.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
The Smith family is having a reunion.
The matriarch is a 110 year old woman who is confined to a wheelchair and cannot speak, so she uses a pen and notepad to communicate.
While watching her great grandchildren play, she begins to leeeaaan to the left. So cousin Joe lifts her back up and puts a pillow on her left side. Later she begins to leeeaaan to the right, so cousin John lifts her back up and puts a pillow on her right side.
Later, Uncle Bob approaches and asks if she's enjoying the family reunion. She takes out her notepad and slowly writes, "They won't let me f**..."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Wife and chair
(In a courtroom, a judge is hearing a case of domestic a**...)
Judge: Mrs. Smith, why did you hit your husband with a chair?
Wife: (sobbing) I tried not to … but I couldn't lift a table.
Kris came from a family where it's a tradition to take out their giant boulder and put it in front of their house every year for a few days
Most of their neighbors were fine with it, but some were bothered by it, including an individual named Smith who had a history of conflict with the family.
This year, he was thinking of hitting the boulder to simply show disrespect to the family, but he was still considering it.
The question remains, will Smith slap Kris' rock?
