Smirks Jokes

Humoristic puns and funny pick up lines

Bush, Trump, and Hillary are all on a plane...

Bush says, "I could throw this 100$ bill out the window and make someone happy". Trump, with a smug look on his face replies and says, "I could throw ten 10$ bills out the window and make 10 people happy". Hillary smirks and says "oh yeah, I could throw one hundred 1$ bills out the window and make 100 people happy". Then the pilot says to the co-pilot, "I could throw all 3 of these fucking idiots out the window and make millions of people happy".

A woman is cooking dinner and her husband walks in the door, shaking his head and laughing...

"You'll never believe the bullshit I heard at work today. Bill Jenkins was bragging that he's fucked every woman on our street but one."

His wife smirks, stirring the gravy. "I bet it's that snooty old Cathy Anderson."

A Chinese guy buys a well from a Jewish guy

The next day the Chinese walks up to the well; when the Jew runs up to him and shouts, "STOP! I sold you the well; not the water!"

The Chinese guy smirks and says "That's exactly why I'm here. How could you store your water in my well and not pay rent?!"

A Scottish priest is driving home when he comes across a dead pig lying on the road.

So he calls the police to inform them.



A cocky sergeant answers the called. "Did ye read him his last rites?" smirks the sergeant.




"Naw." replies the priest." I thought I would inform his next of kin first!"

A little boy watches his mother as she dries off after a bath.

He points at her crotch and asks, "What's that?" The mother smirks and says, "That's where your dad hit me with an axe." The boy replies, "Got you right in the cunt, didn't he?"

Jesus and Moses are hanging in Heaven, talking about the good ole days

"You think we still got it, Jesus?"
"Oh, sure. I don't think our ability to perform miracles just goes away, do you?"
"Let's find out!"

Jesus and Moses head down to Earth and are at the edge of the Red Sea. Sure enough, Moses lifts his hands and the water parts, leaving a clear path across. He smirks at Jesus, and Jesus steps up for his turn.

He stepped out into the water and immediately sank. Moses looked at him confused and said "I guess the ability does go away!"

Jesus smiled and said "Last time I did this, I didn't have these fuckin holes in my feet!"

A german, italian, and american chat in a bar..

A German, an Italian, and an American chat in a bar.
The German says: "my wife goes 0 to 100 in 7 seconds!"
"How so?" replies the Italian.
"I bought her a Porsche" replies the German.
"bah! my wife goes 0 to 100 in 5 seconds!!" the Italian states.
"really?? how?" asks the German.
"I bought her a Ferrari!!" smirks the Italian.
"my wife goes 0-100 in 2 seconds" replies the American.
"impossible!! how???" both say the German and Italian.
"I bought her a weigh scale!"

Three men are drinking in a bar

A Italian, Frenchman and Estonian gentlemen are drinking in a bar arguing who's the best lover.

The Italian goes: "Last night I made love to my woman for 2 hours, she kept screaming for 5 minutes when I was done!"

The Frenchman smirks at that and goes: "That's nothing, last night I made love to my partner for 8 hours, she screamed for an hour after it!"

The Estonian looks at the other two, wipes beer foam from his mouth and says: "You guys really do not know what you are doing in bed, do you? Last night I made love to my wife for 2 minutes and cleaned myself in the curtains. She is still screaming!"

A brunette gets a bouquet of flowers for valentines day.

The other office women are admiring the flowers as they are delivered to her.

She then smirks and says to the crowd of women gathered around "I guess this means I will be spending the night with my legs in the air."

The blonde then says "Don't you have a vase?"

James Bond is at a bar chatting it up with a beautiful young woman...

The woman notices Bond keeps looking at his watch.

"Are you running late?" she asks.

Bond replies, "No. This is a special watch that communicates with me telepathically."

"Oh really? What is it telling you?" the woman asks.

Bond replies, "It says you're not wearing any panties."

The woman laughs: "Ha! Your watch is broken Mr. Bond. For your information I AM wearing panties."

Bond smirks and taps the watch: "Bloody thing's an hour fast."

A cop pulls over a reverend

The Reverend rolls down the window and asks: What's the problem Officer?
The cop replies with: Reverend have you been drinking?
The Reverend is fumbled and says : No Officer, just water.
Cop smirks and says : Why do I smell wine?
The Reverend exclaims and says: Good Lord he's done it again!

Little Johnny catches his parents having sex...

He shouts out "WHAT ARE YOU DOING!?"

Flustered his dad replies: "Uhhh...I'm playing poker."

Not knowing what poker is Johnny is about to shrug and walk away but then he asks "But then what's mom doing?"

"Uhhh..she's my wild card" his dad replies

A few months later Johnny's dad walks in on him masturbating. His dad shouts "What are you doing?"

Without missing a beat Johnny replies "Playing poker."

His replies "But where is your wild card?"

Johnny just smirks and says "With a hand like this, who needs a wild card?"

Drunk!!

An obnoxious drunk in a bar keeps hitting on an a lesbian waiting for her date. The drunk just won't take no for an answer. "Tell you what, I'll sleep with you if you can name one thing a man can do for me that my dildo can't!" the lesbian smirks. The obnoxious drunk thinks for a moment. "Okay, let's see your dildo buy the next round of drinks!"

A pastor is finishing up his sermon on sunday morning...

"In preparation for my sermon next week, I want you all to read Mark chapter 17. You are dismissed." So next week everybody comes back to church. After singing a few hymns, the pastor comes to the pulpit.

"How many read Mark chapter 17 like I said last week?" Everyone raised their hand. The pastor says "and it's a great chapter, amen??" There are shouts of "amen!" from the congregation. Then the pastor smirks.

"Well, Mark only has 16 chapters. I will now begin my sermon on the terrible sin of lying."

One American Soldier

My apologies if this has been told here already (I haven't found it yet). A military buddy of mine told me this when he got back home:



One day during the Gulf War, an Iraqi general and his army were patrolling through semi-mountainous terrain. Suddenly, over one of the hills they hear a soldier.

"One American soldier can take out 10 Iraqi soldiers!"

The Iraqi general smirks, then sends 10 of his soldiers over the hill. A brief firefight ensues, and then everything goes quiet...

"One American soldier can take out 100 Iraqi soldiers!"

The Iraqi general is rightfully impressed, so he laughs and sends 100 of his soldiers over the hill to finish the job. A large battle is heard over the hill that lasts much longer than the previous fight. Finally, everything calms down...

"One American soldier can take out 1000 Iraqi soldiers!"

The Iraqi general is furious, and sends over 1000 of his best soldiers. A massive and lengthy battle takes place over the hill. During the fight, a wounded Iraqi soldier comes crawling back over the hill toward the general.

"Sir! Do not send any more men! It's a trap! THERE'S TWO OF THEM!!"

A bear, a lion and a chicken are at a bar

The bear says: "if i roar, the whole forest would be afraid of me!"

The lion smirks, and says: "if i roar, the whole jungle will be afraid of me!"

The Chicken, with a sly grin, says: "bitch please, i cough just once, the whole world shits itself"

A Brunette enters an elevator at work with a Blonde

She turns to the blonde and says T.G.I.F.
The blonde responds with S.H.I.T.
She thinks, hmm maybe she didn't hear me and again says T.G.I.F.
The blonde responds again with S.H.I.T.
The brunette is now frustrated with how stupid the blonde is and finally just says thank god its Friday
The blonde smirks and says sorry honey it's Thursday

Three vampires enter a dim bar in Kent.

The barmaid asksΒ "What'll you have gentlemen?"

Flashing his best spooky grin, the first vampire saysΒ "I'll have a glass of blood"Β Β When she asks second vampire, he says,"Glass of blood please"Β Β She looks at the third vampire and he smirks and says,Β "I'll take a glass of plasma"

She shrugs and yells down the barΒ Β "Two bloods and a blood lite".Β 

A guy comes home from work....

.... and finds his wife watching the food channel and he asks, "Why do you even bother watching that channel? Nothing can help the way you cook." The wife smirks and says "Well, why do bother to watch porn!".

A police officer arrests a drunk man

After minutes of hassle getting the man in the police car, they're finally ready to go.

The officers turns around and says "Please fasten your seatbelt".

The man smirks and says "It's ok. Nobody will pull us over"

Husband and wife are arguing about the number of children they want to have.

"I want two children." The husband says.

"No fucking way. I'm having three."

"Two."

"Three."

"**TWO!!**"

"**THREE!!**"

"Screw that. After our second child, I'm getting sterilized." The husband smirks.

"Alrighty then." The wife says, "I hope you love our third child the same as the first two."

A wolf, a lion and a little pig are having a discussion

The wolf proudly says : I am the scariest animal of the woods. When I howl, you can hear me from miles away and it will send a shiver down your spine.

The lion smirks and says : do you think THAT is scary, little wolf? I am the true king of the jungle Γ‘nd the most scary. When I roar, all the animals flee into the jungle.

The little pig shivers a bit and says :

I don't want to say too much, but when I sneeze, every human around me gets himself vaccinated.

So a Man's VERY Liberal Neighbors Adopt a Young Child.

One day, the man goes to their house with a warming gift, and says to the little girl-
"What would you like to do when you grow up?" The child responds that she would like to help the homeless. So the man says-
"Alright, how about this. You mow my lawn a and ill give you $12. You can give that to a homeless man."
The Child thinks for a second, and says to the man-
"Why can't you get the homeless man to mow your lawn?" To which the man smirks, and replies-
"Welcome to the Conservative side."

-Sry i'm new this is my first and favorite joke so ya thx.

Unscrew the light bulb and I will let you put it into my mouth

A young couple takes an elevator ride with an elderly lady. The horny girl tells her boyfriend, 'If you unscrew the light bulb I will let you put it into my mouth'. The guy smirks and they get off on their floor.

The elderly lady relates the encounter to one of her friends saying:

'You won't believe what kids do these days. I was on the elevator with a young couple when one of them said, if you unscrew the light bulb I will let you put it into my mouth. They eat glass! Can you believe it?! They eat glass!'

Two men get stranded in an island...

Days go by, they turn into months and eventually years, at one point they start talking about having sex. So they debate for a long while about who should play the role of woman, but both of them refuse to be the female, until one of them says, "alright, I'll be the girl", the other guy smirks feeling victorious and says, "ok, how should we begin?" and the other dude replies, "come, suck my pussy".

My wife made grilled cheese for dinner 4 days in a row

I come up to her and say "What's up honey, don't you have enough time to make dinner?"

She nonchalantly replies "No, I do"

Surprised, I quickly say "Then how come you're not taking the time to make a better and more nutritious dinner?"

She smirks and replies "The last 4 nights in bed, you had plenty of time, but you decided to finish quickly."

....Good Boner Joke!

A man is laying on the beach sun-bathing with nothing but a hat covering his penis.

An ugly lady walks by and remarks, "If you were a gentleman, you would lift your hat for a lady!"

The guy smirks and simply says, "Trust me. If you were any sort of lady, the hat would lift itself."

So two Catholic priests are hanging outside Toys R Us and an eight year old boy walks by

The first priest smirks and whispers to the second priest, I bet he looked good in his prime.

A man goes to the docter...

A man goes to the doctor and says, "doc do you have anything to make me smarter?" The doctor says, "sure do." An he hands him a bottle of brown pills. "Take two a day for 2 weeks." doc says. 2 weeks later man comes back. "Doc I think there's something wrong with those pills." he says. "What do you mean?" replies the doctor. "They taste like shit." The man says. The doctor smirks and says, "See you're getting smarter already."

Kanye West find a genie lamp

Suddenly, a female genie appears. With a smile she says, "Master, I will grant you one wish."

"Don't you know who I am, bitch? I don't need no woman to give me nothin'", he yells

The genie sighs and says, "But Master, I must grant you one wish or I'll have to---"

"A'ight, Ima let you finish but you can go ahead and let me wake up next morning with three women in my bed."

The genie smirks and says, "So be it"

The next morning, Kanye wakes up to find three women in his bed; Lorena Bobbitt, Tonya Harding, and Hillary Clinton. His penis is gone, his leg is broken, and he has no health insurance.

What are the funniest smirks jokes of all time?

Did you ever wanted to stand out with a good sense of humour joking about Smirks? Well, here are the best Smirks puns to laugh out loud. Crazy and funny Smirks pick up lines to share with friends.

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