Smile Jokes

Why does Santa always have a smile on his face?

'Cause He knows where all the naughty girls live

People are like slinkys...

... they're no fun to look at but when you push em down the stairs you cant help but smile.

My experiences working at an electronics store...

On a normal day at the shop a man walks up to me and taps me on the shoulder. I turn around with a big smile and ask "how can I help you". He says "well, I plan to shoot everyone in this store, my family and my dog" I then asked him very calmly "Sir...were you considering Nikon or Canon?"

Why does a bride smile as she walks down the aisle?

She knows she's given her last b**....

"Mother Superior," said the novice nun . . .

"I have to confess that last night I committed the sin of fornication. Six times."
The Mother Superior thought a minute, then sliced up a lemon and handed it to the novice.
"Here, my child," she said. "Take and eat all of this."
"Will this absolve me of my sin?" asked the novice.
"No," said the Mother Superior. "But it will get that smile off your face!"

Grocery Economics

A man and his economist friend are having lunch.
the man mentions that he's noticed something strange when he buys groceries each week. "I always buy a tub of margarine, but I've noticed that, even though it's the same price every time, there's less margarine in the tub. I can't figure out what's going on."
The economist friend nods with a knowing smile and responds "what you have there is a case of the Law of diminishing Margarinal returns."

When I was a teenager, I'd lock myself in my bedroom for hours every night...

One night, my dad kicked the door open to find out what I was doing. He walked in to discover me sitting on my hand.
"Ah, that old trick," he laughed. I gave an awkward smile back.
"I have to say, son," he continued, "I'm relieved to be honest. I thought you might've been doing something weird. I'll leave you to it."
When he closed the door behind him, I just shrugged my shoulders and carried on f**... myself

A young bride and groom to be

A young bride and groom to be had just selected their wedding rings. As the young lady admired the plain platinum and diamond band she had chosen for herself, she suddenly looked concerned. "Tell me" she asked the rather elderly salesman "is there anything special I'll have to do to take care of this ring?" With a fatherly smile, the salesman said "One of the best ways to protect a wedding ring is to soak it in dishwater three times a day.

What do you call a guy going down on a girl with a smile on his face?

A Gladiator

A wife texts her husband

A wife, being the romantic sort, sent her husband a text: "If you are
sleeping, send me your dreams. If you are laughing, send me your smile. If
you are eating, send me a bite. If you are drinking send me a sip. If you
are crying, send me your tears. I love you!"
The husband, typically non-romantic, replied: "I am on the toilet. Please advise."

A man feels sick, so he goes to his doctor...

...and has some tests run. He is told to come back a few days later. A few days pass and he returns. When the male doctor invites him into the back room, the man says, "Give it to me straight, doctor." The doctor replies, "Why, that would be impossible, we're both men!" The man cracks a smile. The doctor then states, "Besides, I don't want to catch h**...."

Latvian Dreamin'

Little boy go to father. Is midnight. Say boy, "Father! I dream I is Mr. Potato! Have big eyes and smile! Even having shoes! I wish I Mr. Potato for all ever!"
Man woke in midnight all sudden. Rubs eyes. Remembers boy dead by mule, and is no potato. Only cold. Is all dream. Lay back on dirt. No smiles. No shoes.

Some people are like Slinkies...

Some people are like Slinkies.
Not really good for anything, but they can still bring a smile to your face when you push them down a flight of stairs.

You know what makes me smile?

f**... muscles.

A man offers a woman at a bar a million dollars...

to have s**... with him, after not much debate the woman agrees and says "absolutely".
The man with a smile on his face then says "will you have s**... with me for $100".
The woman snarls back at him "What kind of woman do you think I am?"
The man gingerly replies "We have already determined that, we are just discussing price now."

An American girl goes on vacation to Berlin

While walking through town one night, she sees a drunk guy openly taking a leak up against a wall.
Disgusted, she loudly proclaims, "g**...!"
The man turns with a proud smile on his face and says, "Danke!"

I like my girlfriend's new glow-in-the-dark braces...

...her smile really lights up the room now.

Girlfriend: Tell me something to make me feel like a woman!

She said excitingly with a smile on her face..... tell me, tell me tell me she said as she wrapped her arms around her boyfriend but the boyfriend stands quietly..she says again come on tell me!
The boyfriend holds her close, looks deep into her eyes and then moves in closer and whispers: "you don't know how to park"

Right and Wrong

Mrs Cameron, a primary teacher, was teaching her class about the difference between right and wrong.
"All right children, let's take an example," Mrs Cameron said. "If I were to get into a man's pocket and take his wallet with all his money, what would I be?"
Little Tony raises his hand, and with a confident smile says, "You'd be his wife."

A girl walks in a store

A girl walks in a store and collects the items she wants to buy.
She walks up to the cashier and places her items on the counter.
The cashier says "I can tell you are single" with a smile on his face.
The girl says "How can you tell?"
"Cause your ugly" says the Cashier.

Some people are like Slinkies . . .

not really good for anything, but you still can't help but smile when you see one tumble down the stairs.

This should raise a dry smile, then...

The knight approached the king and said, "Sire, we have spent the past two weeks destroying and pillaging the towns of your enemies to the West."
"What?" said the king, concerned. "I don't have any enemies in the West!"
"Oh," said the knight. "Well, you do now..."

Day 19, I have successfully conditioned my master to smile and write in his book every time I drool.- Pavlov's Dog

So i was in the bar the other day.....

When i started hearing voices saying "nice shoes" and "lovely smile", I started wondering who was saying it so i went to the bartender and said "Mate, do you know who keeps saying nice things to me" He replied "Its the peanuts mate" I replied "Peanuts, What do you mean" The bartender replied "Yea they're complementary"

My girlfriend invites me to her home, and she wasn't there, but her sister, who leaned in and said:

''We should have s**... right here, when my sister isn't here.'', I got up, and ran to my car, when my girlfriend stood there with a smile. ''I knew I could trust you!'' she said when she hugged me and kissed me passionate.
Moral of the story: Always keep condoms in the car.

I met a pretty girl.

Today i asked a pretty young homeless women if i could take her home, and she said yes with a big smile.
The look on her face soon changed when i walked off with her cardboard box.

Mr. Larkin isn't satisfied with the performance of his class

So on day, he says with an odious smile:
'Please, whoever thinks they're an idiot: stand up!'
Big silence, everyone remains seated. Suddenly, a young man stands up carefully.
'So, you think the appellation of "idiot" applies to you, do you?' asks Mr. Larkin in a derisory tone.
'Honestly? Not really. I just couldn't bear to see you stand alone, sir.'

Ruin a quote by attributing it to the wrong person

"Don't cry because it is over. Smile because it happened." -Adolf h**..., 1945

It's in the Smile

A boy met a girl....
Girl: Every time you smile, I feel like inviting you to my place.
Boy (smiling): Why thank you... are you single?
Girl: No, I am a dentist.

A groom waits at the altar with a huge smile on his face.

His best man asks, "Why do you look so excited?" The groom replies, "I just had the best b**... I have ever had in my entire life, and I am marrying the wonderful woman who gave it to me." The bride waits at the other end of the aisle with a huge smile on her face. Her maid of honor asks, "Why do you look so excited?" The bride replies, "I just gave the last b**... of my entire life."

Some people are like slinkies

Not really good for much, but bring a smile to your face when pushed down the stairs

I'm glad my mom is such a bad cook

If my date can eat her meatloaf with a smile, I know they'll s**... anything.

A blonde and her husband

A blonde and her husband are sleeping when the neighbor's dog starts barking and wakes them up. The blonde sighs, shakes her fist and says 'Wait until you see what I'm going to do to those neighbors!'
She runs out of the house and five minutes later she comes back with a smile on her face. The husband asks 'So, what did you do?'
The blonde says 'Well, I took the dog from their yard and I put it in our yard to see how they like it having the neighbor's dog barking all night.'

My daughter always said she wanted to see her name up in lights...

You should've seen the smile on her face when she turned to look at me and say:
"Daddy, what's an 'Amber Alert'?"

"Honey, I think I'm ugly...."

So I pulled her infront of a mirror, stood right next to her and said:
"Darling, I mean look a that s**... smile, that beautiful hair and those eyes....Just wow. No wonder you feel ugly next to me!"

A vampire walks into a blood bar with a big smile on his face....

The bartender looks at him confused and the vampire says, "Always B positive!"

This made me smile for days

Absolutely devastated.
A very sad day today. After 7 years of medical training and hard work, a very good friend of mine has been struck off after one minor indiscretion. He slept with one of his patients (they were good friends) and can now no longer work in the profession he loves. What a waste of time, effort, training and money. A genuinely nice guy and a brilliant vet.

Some people are like slinkies

They don't really have a purpose but it still brings a smile to your face when you push them down the stairs

A man walks into a small bank

There is no queue and a single teller who he approaches, a big smile on their face visible after a quick glance around:
"Hey, you know something? I like my banks how I like my ladies."
The teller rolls her eyes before asking "How?"
While pulling out a handgun, the man answered:
"Insecure."

A little boy was looking through the keyhole of his sister's room

Mom says with a smile, "why are you concerned with what your sister is doing in there?"
Boy replies, "I am not concerned with her, I am wondering what dad is doing."

Girl: Every time you smile, I feel like inviting you to my place.

Girl: Every time you smile, I feel like inviting you to my place.
Guy : Awwww..Are you single ?
Girl :No, I'm a Dentist..

little Sally--funny adult joke

Little Sally came home from school with a smile on her face, and told her mother, "Frankie Brown showed me his w**... today at the playground!" Before the mother could raise a concern, Sally went on to say, "It reminded me of a peanut." Relaxing with a hidden smile, Sally's mom asked, "Really small, was it?" Sally replied, "No, salty." Mom fainted.

A young bride and groom-to-be had just selected the wedding ring.

As the girl admired the plain platinum and diamond band, she suddenly looked concerned.
"Tell me," she asked the elderly salesman "is there anything special I'll have to do to take care of this ring?"
With a fatherly smile, the salesman said,
"One of the best ways to protect a wedding ring is to dip it in dishwater three times a day."

A girl met a guy at the subway

G: Everytime you smile I feel like calling you over to my place
B: awww... Are you single?
G: No I'm a dentist

A police officer turned on his lights, pulled me over, walked to my window and said "papers?"

I looked at him with a smile and said "Scissors, I win." and drove off.
I think he wants to do best out of 3 because he's been chasing me for an hour.

The England football team went to visit an orphanage in Russia this morning.

"It's good to put a smile on the faces of people with no hope, constantly struggling and facing the impossible" said Anatoly, aged 6.

Whenever I see a woman driving a bus I smile and think about how far we as a society have come in Equality

And then I wait for the next bus.

With a very seductive voice, a wife asked her husband, Have you ever seen $20 all crumpled up?

No said her husband. She gave him a little smile, unbuttoned the top three b**..., reached into her bra and pulled out a crumpled $20 note.
She then asked Have you ever seen $50 all crumpled up? No, I haven't he said with an anxious tone in his voice. She seductively unzipped her skirt and pulled out a crumpled $50 note.
Now she said. Have you ever seen $40,000 all crumpled up? No way! he panted, becoming even more excited,
She said Look in the garage.

My little daughter came to me all excited, saying, Daddy! Daddy! Guess how old I'll be in August! I said, Oh I don't know princess, why don't you tell me? She gave me a huge smile and held up four fingers...

It's now three hours later, the police are annoyed and she *still* won't say where she got them...

A couple is walking in St. Petersburg Square on Christmas Eve. They feel a slight precipitation.

I think it's raining. says the man.
No, it's snowing. replies the woman.
How about we ask this Communist officer here? He is always right! exclaims the man. Officer Rudolph, is it raining or snowing?
Definitely raining. Officer Rudolph replies before walking off.
The man turns to his wife with a smile See? Rudolph the Red knows rain, dear.

I saw a lonely young man sitting at the bar

He was softly singing to himself *21 today, 21 today*.
Feeling sorry for the lad I bought him a beer.
With a smile and a nod of the head he sings *22 today, 22 today*!

Three dead bodies are delivered to the mortuary one day. Each of them has a great big smile on their face. The coroner examines the bodies and then calls the police to tell them what has happened...

"Well, the first body is a Frenchman, 60, who died of heart failure while making love to his mistress, hence the enormous smile." says the coroner.
"Second body's a Scotsman, 25, won a thousand dollars in the lottery, spent it all on whisky. Died of alcohol poisoning, hence the smile."
"Ok, so what about the third body?"
"Ah!" says the coroner. "This is the most unusual one. Billy-Bob the r**... from Oklahoma, 30, struck by lightning."
"Why is *he* smiling then?"
"He thought he was having his picture taken."

I went to the pub last night and saw a fat chick dancing on a table.

I said, "Nice legs."
The girl giggled and said with a smile, "Do you really think so."
I said "Definitely! Most tables would have collapsed by now."

A customer was bothering the waiter in a restaurant.

First, he asked that the air conditioning be turned up because he was too hot, then he asked it be turned down cause he was too cold, and so on for about half an hour. Surprisingly, the waiter was very patient, he walked back and forth and never once got angry.
So finally, a second customer asked him why he didn't throw out the pest."Oh, I really don't care or mind," said the waiter with a smile. "We don't even have an air conditioner."

Three bodies are delivered to the mortuary one day. Each of them has a great big smile on their face.

The coroner examines the bodies and then calls the police to tell them what has happened...
"Well, the first body is a Frenchman, who had a heart attack while making love to his mistress, hence the smile." says the coroner.
Second body's a Scotsman, 25, won the lottery and spent all his money on whisky. Died of alcohol poisoning, hence the smile."
"Ah!" says the coroner. "This is the most unusual one. Sean, the Irishman, 30, struck by lightning."
"Why is *he* smiling then?"
"He thought he was having his picture taken."
*My grandfather told me this one as a kid so I hope you enjoyed!*

Yesterday, I approached a gorgeous girl, and she was pleased, which wasn't something I expected

I asked the girl for a movie.
She : "Which movie"? with a sweet smile.
Me : "You decide".
She : "No, you should decide"
Me : "No, you decide"
She : "Sir, please select which movie ticket you want. There are others behind you in the line as well"

Once, a prince..

..decided to disguise himself and mingle with people to see their hardships by himself. There, he encountered a farmer who looked exactly like him. Curious, the prince approached the farmer and asked him "By any chance, did your mother work in the palace?"
The farmer replied, "No, but

.
.
My father used to work in the palace"
P.S.:This is an old Indian joke, I'm doing my best to translate it. Hope I can make some people smile:)

Ivanka Trump is walking a dog outside the White House...

A Secret Service agent sees her and says "Good Morning, Ma'am."
"Good morning." She replies.
"That's a very cute dog, ma'am." the agent says trying to make polite small talk.
"Oh, thank you. I got it for the President." She replies with a smile.
"Excellent trade, Ma'am."
​

A young man hired by a supermarket reported for his first day of work.

The manager greeted him with a warm handshake and a smile, gave him a broom, and said "Your first job will be to sweep out the store.
But I'm a college graduate! the young man replied indignantly.
Oh, I'm sorry. I didn't realize that" said the manager. "Here, give me the broom - I'll show you how...

My little daughter came to me all excited, shrieking, Daddy! Daddy! Guess how old I'll be in October! Playing along, I laughed, Oh I don't know princess, why don't you tell me? She gave me a huge smile and held up four fingers...

It's now three hours later, the police are annoyed and she *still* won't say where she got them...

A wife sent a romantic text to her husband one day. It read, If you are sleeping, send me your dreams. If you are laughing, send me your smile. If you are eating, sent me a bite. If you are drinking, send me a sip. If you are crying, send me your tears. I love you."

The husband replied, I am on the toilet. Please advise.

From my son: "knock knock"

"who's there"
"owls say"
"owls say who"
*meniacal smile*