Smash And Grab Jokes
12 smash and grab jokes and hilarious smash and grab puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about smash and grab that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.
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Smash And Grab Funny Jokes to Tell Your Friends and Kids.
What is a good smash and grab joke to make people laugh? Check out this list of funny stories that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth.
A trucker and a blonde.
A trucker is driving down a busy highway when he is abruptly cut off by a blonde woman in her car. Tired and grumpy from driving all day, he quickly pulls along side of the woman's car and forces her to stop on the shoulder of the highway. The trucker and the woman get out of their vehicles. The trucker takes a rock and draws a circle around the blonde.
"Don't you dare set foot outside this circle," the trucker orders.
He walks over to the blondes car and keys the side of it. When he returns, the woman is standing in her circle giggling. This angers the trucker even more. He proceeds to grab a bat out of his semi and smash the mirrors off the woman's car. When the trucker returns to the woman, she is still standing in her circle laughing. Enraged, the trucker takes a gas tank out of his semi, douses the woman's car in gas, and sets it on fire. The woman bursts into hysteria.
"I just totaled your car!! What is so funny?!" The trucker shouts.
The blonde replies, "When you weren't looking, I stepped out of the circle three times!"
A man gets pulled over...
A man gets pulled over by a local sheriff. The sheriff walks up to the man's window and says I pulled you over because you didn't come to a full stop at that stop sign back there.
Yeah, but I slowed down... the man tells him.
Quickly, the sheriff reaches into the man's car, grabs him by the hair and starts smashing the man's face over and over into the steering wheel and asks him, Now do you want me to stop? Or do you want me to slow down?
An Accordion Player Stops For Beer
An accordion player stops at a convenience store to grab a six pack.
As he's closing the car door he sees his accordion in the back seat and has a split thought that maybe he should put it in the trunk, but then thinks nah, he's literally gonna be just 20 feet away for 2 minutes.
The guy's in the shop for only 90 seconds, but as he's coming out sees that his rear window has been smashed. He shouts "oh no, not again"!
He looks in the back seat, and sure enough, there's three accordions.
A woman is supposedly home alone and sees a figure from behind in her kitchen.
She creeps forward and grabs the figure by the t**... and asks, "who are you?"
Only silence.
She squeezes hard this time and asks, "who are you?"
Still silence.
She smashes the t**... in her hand and yells, "who are you?"
The figure whispers, "John".
The woman asks, "John WHO?!"
The figure whispers, "John, The Mute."
An alcoholic addict just returned home from a rehab and he saw crate of empty bottles sitting at the corner and he goes there grab one and smacknit to the wall and said "you made my wife leave me."
Grab another one and smashes it and said "you made me get fired from work" and grab another one which was full and was about to smash it and he brushes it and said "you were not part of them and open and drink...."
A guy walks into a bar after a long day.
I thought this up today. My exhausted mind thought it was funny as well as my slap-happy friends.. we were all a bit out of it. Anyway..
This guy is walking home after a really long, hard day. He decides to stop by his favorite bar to wind down a bit.
He walks in and sits at the counter and the bartender comes up asks,
"What can I get you today? The usual?".
At this, the man replies,
"No, today I need something a bit stronger.. it's been such a long week. You know what I really want? I just need to smash something over my head, that should get my frustrations out."
The bartender gave the man a shocked expression. He stared at him for a moment, then shook his head and shrugged. He reached around and grabbed an empty bottle and said as he handed it to the man,
"Here you go. Knock yourself out."
Pearly Gates
A guy is at the pearly gates, waiting to be admitted, while St. Peter is leafing through this Big Book to see if the guy is worthy of entering. Saint Peter goes through the book several times, furrows his brow, and says to the guy, "You know, I can't see that you did anything really good in your life but, you never did anything bad either. Tell you what, if you can tell me of one REALLY good deed that you did in your life, you're in."
The guy thinks for a moment and says, "Yeah, there was this one time when I was driving down the highway and I saw a giant group of k**... Biker Gang Rapists assaulting this poor girl. I slowed down my car to see what was going on, and sure enough, there they were, about 50 of them torturing this girl. Infuriated, I got out
of my car, grabbed a tire iron out of my trunk, and walked straight up to the leader of the gang, a huge guy with a studded leather jacket and a chain running from his nose to his ear. As I walked up to the leader, the k**... Biker Gang Rapists formed a circle around me. So, I ripped the leader's chain off his face and smashed him over the head with the tire iron. Then I turned around and yelled to the rest of them, 'Leave this poor, innocent girl alone! You're all a bunch of sick, deranged animals! Go home before I teach you all a lesson in pain!'"
St. Peter, impressed, says "Really? When did this happen?"
"Oh, about two minutes ago."
Several hundred years ago...
Several hundred years ago, two rival villages would meet annually to compete in a religious ceremony. Both villages would send forth their strongest, fastest male to compete against the other - which involved climbing up a cliff to claim a cross-shaped stone. Legend had it that the cross, a symbol of luck and fertility, would bring good fortune on whichever village owned it.
The day came, and each village met at the cliff.
"Our representative, Tom Smith, is young and fit, and will surely bring us the symbol." claimed the first mayor.
"No, our fighter, Tom Jameson, is faster and stronger! The symbol is ours!"
The race began. Both men scrambled up the cliff side at an equal pace, eventually reaching the top at the same time. Both grabbed the cross simultaneously, each trying to wrestle it from the other.
"The symbol is ours!" cried Tom Smith.
"No! The symbol belongs to our village!" shouted Tom Jameson.
Both edged closer and closer to the cliff face, and in one violent motion, both Tom's and the symbol fell over the edge, smashing into the rocks below.
BA-BOOM-CHSSSHHH
Two robbers, Hank and Jeff, break into a jewelry store.
They start taking everything they can get their hands on without triggering the alarms. Hank spots a gold necklace with a huge emerald, the price of which would allow them to live in luxury for the rest of their lives. It was obviously well-secured, however, and Jeff tries to convince him that it's a bad idea and that the alarms will go off. Hank doesn't care and smashes the case and grabs the emerald necklace anyway. Immediately alarms sound and within seconds a huge security guard rushes into the store and grabs Hank and Jeff, tosses them on his shoulders, and hauls them off to jail.
Jeff looks at Hank and says "Next time let's not get carried away."
Heaven
Three guys are at the gates of heaven. The angel Gabriel tells them that he has to know how they died before he lets them in. The first guy says "I came home to my apartment on the 4th floor to find that I had been robbed! I was looking around to see if the thief left any signs, and check out the damage, and I saw someone outside the balcony hanging for their life. Thinking they were the thief, I smashed their fingers with a hammer and they fell. Miraculously, they survived. So I pushed my refrigerator off the balcony and it fell on top of them and killed them. Realizing what I had done, I had a heart attack and died. Gabriel says "Well, you obviously were in shock, and you clearly were remorseful, so I'll let you in." The second guy says "I was doing pull-ups on my 5th floor balcony railing when I slipped underneath the rail and fell. Luckily I managed to grab onto the 4th floor railing and was hanging on for dear life when this crazy guy ran up and started pounding at my fingers with a hammer. I fell to the street below, but miraculously I survived. The last thing I saw was him pushing his fridge off the balcony, and it fell on me and killed me." Gabriel says "Although you were reckless, it wasn't your intent, so go on in." The third guy says "I was robbing this guys apartment, and heard him unlocking the door, so I jumped into the fridge."
A blonde cuts off a truck driver on the highway...
the truck driver has bad road rage and forces the blonde to pull over. He runs up to the blonde and starts yelling at her. The truck driver draws a circle on the pavement and tells the blonde stay there. Then, the truck driver starts smashing her windshield. He looks back at the blonde and she's smiling. He gets even more mad so, he grabs a knife out of his truck and starts slashing her tires. The blonde is still laughing at him. Furious, he takes out his zippo and lights her car on fire. The blonde is laughing so hard, she's in tears. The truck driver storms over to the blonde and asks "I JUST DESTROYED YOUR CAR!! WHY ARE YOU LAUGHING??" Wiping a tear from her eye, the blonde says, "While you were turned around, I stepped out of the circle three
times!"
Jesus, Moses, and an old man go golfing.
The first one to tee off is Moses. He smashes the ball and it is heading right for the water hazard before the green. Moses raises his club, the water parts, and the ball makes it to the green. Jesus gets up to swing, cranks it out, and it is headed for the water hazard. Jesus closes his eyes and prays. The ball skips across the water and lands on the green two feet from the hole. The old man's turn comes and he drives the ball. The ball looks like it is going to drop directly into the water. A fish jumps from the water hazard swallowing the ball, as an eagle drops from the sky, grabbing the fish. As the eagle flies over the green, a bolt of lightning strikes the eagle, making it drop the fish. As the fish hits the green, it spits out the ball and the ball falls into the hole, making a hole in one. Jesus looks at Moses and says, "I really think I'm leaving Dad at home next time!"
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