Smartest Jokes
83 smartest jokes and hilarious smartest puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about smartest that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.
Discover the world's smartest jokes, from classics like "What did the electrician say when he found out he was the richest man in town?" to modern favorites like "Why did the ligma have to buy a parachute?". See which Simpsons and Futurama jokes made the list.
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Funniest Smartest Short Jokes
Short smartest jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The smartest humour may include short most intelligent jokes also.
- My doctor says I have narcissistic personality disorder But that's impossible, as the smartest man alive I think I would have noticed.
- "If you are the smartest person in the room, you are in the wrong room" I don't want to brag, but I'm never in the wrong room.
- sometimes i feel like the smartest person in the room but usually there aren't people around to witness it
- Told to me by my 8 year old daughter: Who is the smartest pig in the world? Oinkbert Einswine
- It's really lonely, being the smartest guy in the room. Mainly because the room has to be empty before I am
- Marilyn Monroe suggests to Albert Einstein : "If you and I were to marry, our kids will be the smartest and most beautiful in all the world." Einstein: "What if they get my looks and your brain?"
- A gorilla walks into a bar. He's not the smartest gorilla, but ignorance is bliss at the zoo.
- Designing bear-proof garbage cans is very hard… There will always be a significant overlap between the smartest bears, and the dumbest people.
- Earbud tangles are so bad... Even the smartest people currently alive are having trouble untangling earbuds...
Like Stephen Hawking - John F Kennedy was the smartest president America has ever had. He's the only president we know for sure had a brain.
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Smartest One Liners
Which smartest one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with smartest? I can suggest the ones about most sophisticated and dumbest.
- What do you call the smartest person in the US? A tourist?
- What are the smartest people in America called? Tourists.
- What's the smartest cookie? Academia nut
- What is the smartest tool? A thermometer because it has so many degrees
- Who's the smartest member of the Army? General Knowledge
- What is the smartest monster? Frank-Einstein
- Did you know that fireflies are the smartest insect? They're the brightest one.
- Why is Alabama the smartest state? Because it has four A's and one B.
- Hydrogen is the smartest. The rest of the elements are denser.
- What is the smartest fruit? It's the orange, BOY CAN IT CONCENTRATE!
- What's the smartest dinosaur? A thesaurus
- Which is the smartest tall mountain? Mt. Cleverest
Hue hue - What's the smartest pizza? Combination with Nobel peppers.
- What's the smartest piece of lab equipment? A graduated cylinder.
- What's the smartest animal on the farm? The farmer
(this killed my 12yo brothers)
Hilarious Smartest Jokes to Make Your Friends Roar with Laughter
What funny jokes about smartest you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean smarter jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make smartest pranks.
A man went to visit a friend and was amazed to find him playing chess with his dog.
He watched the game in astonishment for a while.
“I can hardly believe my eyes!” he exclaimed. That’s the smartest dog I’ve ever seen.”
“Nah, he’s not so smart,” the friend replied. I’ve beaten him three games out of five."
A new twist on an old joke.
Scientists recently did a study on the effects the right side and left side of a brain had on counting.
They first took out the left half of a man's brain and asked him to count to 10.
He says, "2, 4, 6, 8, 10".
They put the left half back in and removed the right half, asking him to count to 10 again.
He says "1, 3, 5, 7, 9".
Finally they decided to just go for it and removed the whole brain. They again asked him to count to 10 one more time.
He says, "Look. I'm great at counting to 10, ok? I love numbers and I have the best numbers. No one has better numbers than I do. My 4th grade math teacher - and let me tell you, she was the best and smartest math teacher in the country at the time - my 4th grade math teacher said to me that I am the best counter she's ever seen. The best. So if you want me to count to 10, let me tell you I can count to 10 alright. That's no problem. I will do it. I will. And I will do it better than any has ever done it before, ok?"
did you hear what the smartest black kid got on his S.A.T.'s?
barbeque sauce
There's a legend about a bar in NYC
This bar has a magic mirror. Whenever someone tells the mirror a true fact about them self, they are granted a wish. Whenever someone tells a lie to the mirror, they are s**... into it to never be seen again. A blonde, a brunette, and a redhead walk into the bar.
The brunette walks up to the mirror and says "I think I am the smartest girl in this bar" and is s**... in.
The redhead says "I think I am the prettiest girl in this bar" and is s**... in.
The blonde says "I think..." and gets s**... in.
There's a plane crashing down...
On the plane are The President of the United States, The British Prime Minister, the smartest man in the world, a priest and a boy scout. The pilot announces over the intercom: "People, we regret to inform you that we are going to c**.... Fortunately, there are 6 parachutes available."
Before anyone can respond, the pilot and copilot dash out of the cabin, each grabs a parachute and jumps out of the plane. The 5 passengers look at each other, realize there's only 4 parachutes left, then make a mad dash for them. A giant fight ensues as everyone struggles to grab a parachute.
The President snags one and declares, "I *must* live! I'm the President of the United States!" before jumping out of the plane.
The Prime Minister grabs a c**... and yells, "*I* must live! I'm the Prime Minister!"
The Smartest Man in the World and the boy scout get into a tussle, ending with the Smartest Man in the World shoving the boy scout to the floor. Hugging the parachute to his chest he yells, "I'm the Smartest Man in the World! It is imperative that I survive!" and leaps out the door.
The priest helps the boy scout to his feet. "You go ahead, son," he says, "Take the last parachute. I've made my peace."
"We can each have one, father," The boy scout says, shaking his head, "The Smartest Man in the World took my backpack."
This used to be my Dad's favorite joke. "The End of the World"
The world is ending by nuclear warfare and there are three men riding on a plane to a fallout shelter where they would be safe and ride out the devastation. The three men are: the president, the pope, and a young hippie.
Suddenly, as they are nearing their destination, the plane malfunctions and is going down quickly. The three passengers look at each other, then realize: there are only two parachutes.
The President hastily grabs a bag and before jumping out of the hatch says," I am God's gift to you all! I rule the United States! I am the leader this world will need! I am the SMARTEST man on this planet!"
Realizing they don't have much time the pope quickly says to the hippie, "My son, you have many more years to live than I, it would only be right for you to seize this opportunity and fulfill-"
The hippie begins laughing, startling the pope into silence, and says, "Don't worry Father, the smartest man on the planet just jumped out of the plane with my backpack on!"
A blonde, a brunette and a redhead...
...are trapped in a castle. In order to escape, they must look into a magic mirror and make a claim that they are the BEST of something in the entire world. If they are right, they escape the castle and are granted all the wishes they could ever want. But if they are wrong - p**...! They instantly disappear.
The brunette goes first.
"I think.... that I'm the most beautiful woman in all the world!"
p**...! She disappears.
The redhead goes second.
"I think.... that I'm the smartest woman in all the world!"
p**...! She disappears.
Then the blonde goes.
"I think...."
p**...! She disappears.
A Pregnant women gets in a car wreck....
...and fell into a coma. When she awoke a few days later, she noticed that she wasn't carrying a child, and asked the doctor, "Doctor, what happened to my baby!?"
The doctor replies, "It's all okay. You gave birth to beautiful twins, a boy and a girl. But we needed someone to name them, so your brother came in and gave them their names."
The woman is surprised. "No, not my brother! He's not the smartest guy in the world."
"Well ma'am, he named your daughter Denise," the doctor said.
"Oh, that's not too bad. What's the boy's name?"
"Denephew."
Which teeth are the smartest?
The Wisdom Teeth
Magical Mirror
In a fancy Paris restaurant, there is a magical wish-granting mirror. But it only grants wishes if you tell the truth — if you lie, you disappear.
One day, a blonde, a brunette, and a redhead enter the restaurant and decide to try out the mirror. The brunette goes first. I think I'm the smartest woman on earth. p**...! She disappears.
The redhead goes up to try. I think I'm the prettiest woman on earth. p**...! She disappears.
The blonde goes up. I think– p**...!"
Warning: Dad humor following.
John was so proud of his son for being the first one from their town to ever go to college. At the mill John would brag, "My boy is the smartest this town has ever seen!"
The boy returned after his first semester from college. The town gathered amazed at the boy prodigy. "Go on, son, tell 'em something smart. Tell 'em what you learned at college." John said proudly.
The boy was a bit nervous. But remembering his math class he weakly said, "Ah... pi r squared."
John looked down in disappointment. He buried his face in his hands and said, "Oh, son... everyone knows pies are round!"
What's the smartest kind of blonde?
Golden retriever
When is a man smartest before, during or after s**...?
During that's when he's plugged into the know it all.
A blonde, a brunette, and a redhead are captured by a witch
The witch tells them, "If you say something about yourself that is true, I will let you go, if not, you will vanish into thin air"
The brunette says, "I think I'm the prettiest"
*p**...!* the brunette disappears.
The redhead says, "I think I'm the smartest"
*p**...!* the redhead disappears.
The blonde says, "I think..." *p**...!*
A plane was going down
and there were 4 people aboard: The president, the smartest man in the world, an old man, and a little girl. However, there were only 3 parachutes. The president said, "I'm too important to die," and took a parachute and jumped. The smartest man in the world said, "other people will need my smarts," and he also jumped off. The old man said,"you can go, my life is almost over anyway." The girl said," no, we can both go. The smartest man in the world took my Dora backpack."
The smartest dog
One day, two women were arguing about whose dog is smarter.
The first woman says, "My dog's so smart, every morning he waits for the paper-boy to come around and then he takes the newspaper and brings it to me."
The second woman replies, "I know.."
The first woman, surprisingly ask, "How do YOU know?"
The second woman says, "My dog told me."
Why did the dumb girl have a painfull bellybutton?
Her boyfriend isn't the smartest one either.
Fish are actually some of the smartest animals out there...
...because they travel in schools
Donald Trump and his two bodyguards are on a crashing airplane. There are only two parachutes.
Trump declares "I am the President of the United States and also the smartest one. It's unbelievable." He grabs a parachute and jumps.
One of the bodyguards says "Hey, man, you have a wife and kids. Take the parachute."
The other replies "There are enough parachutes for both of us, Tim. Mr Trump took my knapsack."
Worlds Smartest President
Trump, The Pope and little Joey are all on an airplane when the pilot comes running out of the cabin yelling the plain is going to c**...!!! The pilot grabs his parachute and jumps out, Trump sees that there are only two parachutes left and exclaims " I am the smartest President and I need to live!" He grabs a pack and jumps, the Pope turns to Joey and says " son I have lived a long life and I am okay meeting God." Joey smiles and replies " There's no need, the worlds smartest president took my backpack."
People tell me I'm an egotistical narcissist
I don't know what that means. But it doesn't matter because I'm the smartest, handsomest, coolest guy who has ever lived.
An Irishman and Donald Trump are reading an article about brain transplants
It says you can get you can a brain transplant from a Irish man for €5000 cheaper than an american.
Trump says "This proves that America is the greatest country ever and Americans are the smartest people ever"
"No it doesnt" says the Irishman "It just means an Americans Brain hasnt been used as much"
Magic carpet
A blonde , a brunette and a red head walk into a carpet store and spot a talking magic carpet.
It spoke, "if you step on me and lie, you will disappear with a p**...!"
The brunette steps on first and says, "I think I'm the prettiest girl in town."
She vanished with a p**...!
The red head steps on the carpet and says, "I think I'm the smartest girl in town."
She vanished with a p**...!
The blonde steps on the carpet and says, "I think-"
She vanished with a p**...!
Plane Joke
There was a plane about to go down. The people who were on there were: Trump, The Pope, The Pilot, and 3rd grader. There are three parachutes. The Pope grabs a parachute and says; "I am more important" Then bails. Trump grabs a parachute and says "I am the worlds smartest man. I can't die" Then bails. The Pilot looks at the kid and said here have my Parachute, the kid responded No need to, the "worlds smartest man" grabbed my backpack.
If you're the smartest person in the room, then you are in the wrong room.
I guess that's the reason why my parents kicked me out of the house, implicitly accepting that I am cleverer than anyone in the family.
A polish guy and a German guy are arguing..
The polish guy said Polish people are the smartest people in the world. He'd even made ludicrous claims. He said the Polish people invented the outhouse. The German looks at him and says "yes, but it was us d**... Germans who put the hole in the floor"
Who's the smartest pig in the world?
Einswine
What's the smartest mountain in the world?
What's the smartest mountain in the world?
Mt Cleverest
Thanks to the tireless work of an elder statesman, possibly one of the most dignified and smartest people in the process, we are starting to normalize relations with North Korea
Let's all give Dennis Rodman a big hand.
I'm not the smartest student ever so I tried something a little risky to get a better grade...
I got a D- on my recent English test and my dad wasn't very happy with my mark. I asked my teacher if I could do a s**... favour for her to get a B+. She got very offended. My classmates didn't think that was okay either, and they stopped talking to me for a few weeks.
If you guys want, I can tell more stories about my homeschooling
Why is it difficult to come across a Asian feminist?
Asians are the smartest race.
200Years in the future.
A team of the smartest people on earth go to a distant planet, believed to have life. When they land they're greeted by 3aliens. They speak perfect english.
"Leave outsiders. This is our home planet, only trusted individuals are allowed here!"
The space group is quite surprised by this. Most of them think about turning back and going to earth. When one man in the back of the group, Unseen by the aliens, Shows himself. Upon his sight the aliens appear to become much more peaceful with the humans.
"Oh you brought Dave with you! Why didn't you say so."
A patient of mine told me this joke today... When is a man the smartest he'll ever be?
While he's having s**... with his wife; because he's plugged into a know it all.
What's the smartest group of letters?
The Y's.
Dolphins are the second smartest mammal behind man.
That puts women in third.
Anyone who thinks Trump is the smartest President needs to read up on Kennedy
There's hard evidence that guy had some serious brains.
It is said that the smartest people are the laziest..
Just look at the late, great Stephen Hawking.
What is it like to always be the smartest person in the room?
Becouse I'm going to be...
A recent scientific study showed that women could hold the smartest gene...
But 99.9% of them choose to spit it out
What do you call the smartest horse in the barn?
A stable genius
The Russian president is on a visit to the USA.
So he is taken on a tour of various tech companies to show him their superiority.
"This," says Bob, "is the smartest computer in the world. Ask it any question, and it will answer you correctly."
The Russian president is intrigued. So he decides to trick the computer and asks: "Who will be the superpower 100 years from today?"
The computer goes silent for a minute, then prints out a paper which the Russian president takes.
"So?" asks Bob. "What does it say?"
"I have no idea," replied the Russian president. "It is written in Chinese"
My father always told me to be around smart people.
One day, My father and I were having a convo, he said totally committed to his words, "son be around smart people, if you are the smartest in the room you are in the wrong room."
So I got up and left the room.
A PE teacher asks his students who they think the smartest teacher at the school is.
The students all answer with the science teachers.
The PE teacher says "No, it's me. I get paid the same as them and I get to play dodgeball all day."
