Smarter Than Jokes

There are three blondes on an island.

A genie says they can only have one wish t get themselfs off.
The first says" I wish I was smart" so she turns into a red head and swims off the island.
The second says " I wish I was smarter than her" so she turns into a brunette and swims away.
The third one says " I wish I was smarter than both of them" so she turns into a man and walks on the bridge.

Three blondes are stranded on an island.

A fairy comes along and says that she will grant each person a wish.
So the first blonde says she wants to be really smart so she digs and finds a cell phone and calls the Army.
The second blonde says that she wants to be even smarter so she finds a flair and sets it off.
The third blonde says that she wants to be even smarter than both of them, so the fairy changes her hair color to black and she says,"Let's go over the bridge."

Phones are getting thinner and smarter.
People, not so much.

So there are two blondes stranded on an island....

One of them finds a lamp, rubs it, and a genie pops out. He says, "I shall grant you each one wish". The blonde who rubbed the lamp requests a cell phone to call for help, however, it was useless because there was no reception on the island. The second blonde said, "I want to be smarter than this other blonde!" So, the genie pointed her to the bridge.

Cavemen were smarter than we think.

Do you know why cavemen dragged their women around by the hair?
It was so they wouldn't fill up with rocks.

This husband wins the fight every time.

A newlywed couple are having their first big fight since being married. Things start getting heated when the husband angrily says "You know I'm right, I'm twice as smart as you!" Furious, the wife asks incredulously "What the heck, how could you say that!" The husband responds, "Well, just look at who I married compared to who you married, and tell me who is smarter!"
Use this one with caution in your own marriage :-)

Smart pills

One day two boys were walking through the woods when they saw some rabbit turds. One of the boys said, ''What is that?''
''They're smart pills,'' said the other boy. ''Eat them and they'll make you smarter.
So he ate them and said, ''These taste like c**....''
''See,'' said the other boy, ''you're getting smarter already.''

Kids are smarter than adults

I believe that kids are much smarter than adults.
Why?
Because I don't know one kid who has a wife and a family.

John Oliver interviews Stephen Hawking. John Oliver: "You've stated that you believe that there could be an infinite number of parallel universes. Does that mean, that there is a universe out there where I am smarter than you?"

Did you know beer makes you smarter.

As it made Bud Wieser.

Did you know that if you pull the pin off of grenade and hold it up to your ear

You can actually hear the world getting smarter.

Which beer did the flower drink that made it realize that it was smarter when it was young?

Budweiser

Blonde goes to market

She sees old man selling apple seeds for $5 a piece, so she asks why these seeds so expensive, to which old man replies that the seeds make you smarter if you eat them.
So blonde buys 5 seeds and eats them, than thinks for a moment and says: I could have bought 5 pounds of apples for that price.
Old man replies: see, you are already smarter.
Blonde: OK, give me 5 more.

3 blonde girls is at the side of a river

And they're trying to get to the village on the other side
1 blond girl ask god to make her smart,so god turn her into a brunette and she swims across the river
the other girl ask god to make her smarter than the girl that just swam,so god make her into a redhead and she built a raft and paddle across
The last girl ask god to make her smarter than the other two girls,so god make her a man and he uses the bridge

paid a compliment

By a coworker, "every time I talk to you, I leave a smarter man."
I asked where he left him.

During my school days I was living on baked beans.

A house would probably have been a smarter option.

The smartest dog

One day, two women were arguing about whose dog is smarter.
The first woman says, "My dog's so smart, every morning he waits for the paper-boy to come around and then he takes the newspaper and brings it to me."
The second woman replies, "I know.."
The first woman, surprisingly ask, "How do YOU know?"
The second woman says, "My dog told me."

Someone told me that to be successful in my business, I should hire people smarter than me...

Others said I'm setting the bar too low.

What is smarter?

What is smarter, longitude or latitude?…Longitude, because it has 360 degrees.

Someone told me that wearing glasses would make me look smarter.

No one told me you had to wear clothes too.

Cats and Dogs

Did you know cats are smarter than dogs? Dogs can't take x-rays, but cats can.

Two women that are dog owners are arguing about which dog is smarter...

First Woman : "My doggo is so smart, every morning he waits for the paper boy to come around and then he takes the newspaper and brings it to me. Second Woman : "I know..." First Woman : "How?" Second Woman : "My dog told me."

You have to wonder about a country where the bombs

... are smarter than the high school graduates. At least the bombs can find Iraq on the maps.
(quote by
Alan Whitney Brown of SNL fame)

My dog understands several human words...

Yet i dont understand anything my dog barks.
He may be smarter than me.

As soon as I find a girl that is wealthier, prettier, smarter, funnier, better connected, into physical deformities, and more than willing to take care of a grown adult.

I'll move out of my moms

Beer makes you smarter

It sure did make Bud wiser.

Alcohol and life

Dear alcohol, We had a deal where you would make me funnier, smarter and a better dancer... I saw the video... we need to talk.

Two guys debating about whose dog is smarter

Guy 1: "My dog is very smart, every morning he always fetch my newspaper"
Guy 2: "I already know that"
Guy 1: "What? Who told you about that?"
Guy 2: "My dog"

A 17 in blackjack is like a mother in law

Sometimes you want to hit it, but it's probably smarter not to.

Why was the thermometer smarter than the graduated cylinder?

Because he had more degrees.

What vegetable makes you smarter?

Stephen Hawking

Whales are smarter than most teenagers, new study finds

needs cetacean

Smart Potion

A kid is on his lawn, playing with mud. A man walks up to him and asks, What are you doing? The kid says, Making a smart potion. Would you like some? So the man says, Sure. I'll try some. So the kid gives the man a bit of the mud in a cup to drink. When the man drank it, he yelled, Blech! This is mud! So the kid says, See, getting smarter already.

Burglars are getting smarter and smarter ...

My wife woke me up the other day and said "darling, I think there's a burglar downstairs, can you go and check?" So I go downstairs and look in every room, and there was no burglar to be seen. Then I realised,..
I don't have a wife.

Two boys are walking through the woods and one of them gets an idea of a funny prank.

He picks up some rabbit turds and after a few minutes of walking, stops, and says, "want some smart-pills?" The other boy said "sure" takes a couple, and swallows them whole.
"I don't feel any smarter."
"Take a couple more." And he does.
Moments later, eyes coming to realization,"Say, if I didn't know any better, I'd say those were rabbit turds."
"Now you're getting smarter."

Gorillas see us how we see aliens, skinnier, smarter, less hair

Or you might call them Asians

The great thing about narcissism

is that it makes you smarter.

What do you call a blonde smarter than your average blonde ?

A bottle blonde .

Why is a man smarter when he's

having s**...?
Because he's plugged into a know it all!

Father and son are having discussion who is smarter

"Dad, do you know who invented AC motor?"
"Of course I know! Nikola Tesla" 
"Yep Dad, Nikola Tesla, not his father."

Why are men smarter than women?

Two heads are better than one!

I hate people who are smarter than me.

That's why I hate everyone.

Newton knew about the laws of motion when he was 33, while we knew them when we were 14.

I guess that makes us smarter than him.

Two s**... guys...

Two s**... guys were riding a car when a policeman stopped them. The driver told his friend keep quiet, you will get us in trouble if you speak, I'll do the talking ! The policeman knocked lightly on the window motioning to them to role it down and said good evening gentlemen the driver exclaimed which w**... you are talking about ?!
Edit : English is not my first language so be kind please.
Edit 2: changed smarter to driver.

2 people are sitting on a bench and 1 is eating apple seeds.

2: Why are you eating those?
1: They make you smarter.
2: Can i buy a couple?
1: Yeah $2 a piece!
So 2 buys 5 seeds and eat them all.
2: Wait! This is a scam! For those $10 i have bought some apples and i would have way more seeds!
1: Ah, i see they are beginning to work.

I have been living with two horses and three cows for a while now and I am much smarter than all of them.

You could even say I'm a stable genius.

Two dudes are smoking p**...

One tells another:
-Dude, I think this p**... is making me s**..., I should quit.
Second guy responds:
-No, dude it's the other way round, you're becoming smarter and realising that you're an idiot.
The joke is originally in Georgian, this is a translation.

Not my joke but my 5 year old sister's

Mom is cooking up some mac and cheese for my little sis and says," Come get your macaroni and cheese."
To which my sister replies," I said I want mac and cheese, NO Caroni!"
My 5yr old sis is smarter than me

Two dog owners are arguing about whose pet is smarter.

My dog is so smart, says the first owner, that every morning he goes to the store and buys me a sesame seed bagel with chive cream cheese, stops off at Starbucks and picks me up a mocha latte, and then comes home and turns on ESPN, all before I get out of bed. I know, says the second owner. How do you know? the first demands. My dog told me.

A policeman walks by a street vendor

Policeman: What are you selling?
Vendor: Apple seeds... $5 a pop!
Policeman: What???Why would anyone want to eat apple seed?
Vendor: They make you smarter!
Policeman: OK, give me one (swallows it)... wait a minute? For $5 I could have bought a pound of apples and got myself at least 20 seeds!
Vendor: See!!! You're smarter already!
Policeman: WOW, you're right... Give me two more, quick!

People refuses to wear a mask is actually making the humankind smarter

By nature selection

Two dog owners are arguing about whose pet is smarter.

FO: My dog is so smart that every morning he goes to the store and buys me a sesame seed bagel with chive cream cheese, stops off at Starbucks and picks me up a mocha latte, and then comes home and turns on ESPN, all before I get out of bed.
SO: I know.
FO: How do you know?
SO: My dog told me.

A man is sitting in a train

and watches the guy on the other side of the aisle take an apple out of his pocket, cutting it open, picking out the seeds and chewing them.
Why are you chewing the seeds?
They make me smarter
Really? Could I have some?
Sure, dollar a piece
The man agrees and gets three apple seeds for three bucks. He chews them for a while, then says Wait a minute, for three bucks I could've bought two pounds of apples!
See, it's already working

What's smarter than the average bear?

50% of all bears, and the same applies to mean bears.

I read that machines will be smarter than humans.

h**..., I already have screw drivers that are smarter than some humans.

A smart guy and a fast guy walk into a bar.

The bartender asks: "Is it better to be smarter or fast?"
The fast guy says, "Fast because if you are working at a nuclear power plant and there is an accident, you can run away."
The smart guy says, "It's better to be smart because then you wouldn't be working at a nuclear power plant."

My kindergarten daughter asked me a question,

so I answered her back In confidence with the correct answer. She asked me how I knew that , so I answered her that I knew everything. This infuriated my daughter and she told me there were people out there that knew more than me. I was shocked and told her I didn't know anyone smarter than me. Then she just looked at me and said Then you don't know everything .
True Story