smartass Jokes

funny pick up lines and hilarious smartass puns

A donkey had an IQ of 186.

He had no friends at all though. Because even in the animal kingdom, nobody likes a smart-ass.

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A man calls the hotel front desk

"Hello how I may I be of assistance sir?"

"I NEED YOU TO SEND SOMEONE TO MY ROOM RIGHT AWAY."

"Calm down Sir, what seems to be the problem?"

"My wife is trying to jump out of the window..."

"Oh that sounds like a personal matter, I'm afraid we cannot involve ourselves."

"Listen here you smartass, the window isn't opening up and that's a maintenance matter!"

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This morning I entered a store...

I noticed the clerk had a missing hand and a watch on it, that kept falling.

\-Why don't you wear it on the other hand?

\-And how am I supposed to put it on, smartass?



I've decided to mind my own business from now on.

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Smartass Old People

Two young businessmen in Florida were sitting down for a break in their soon-to-be new store in the shopping mall. As yet, the store wasn't ready, with only a few shelves and display racks set up.

One said to the other, "I'll bet that any minute now some senior is going to walk by, put his face to the window, and ask what we're selling."

Sure enough, just a moment later, a curious senior gentleman walked up to the window, looked around intensely and rapped on the glass, then in a loud voice asked, "What are you sellin' here?"

One of the men replied sarcastically, "We're selling ass-holes."

Without skipping a beat, the old timer said, "You must be doing well. Only two left."

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[NSFW] English Exam

A high school English teacher reminds her class of tomorrow's
final exam. She tells the class there would be no excuse for not
showing up, except for serious injury, illness, or a death in
the student's immediate family.

A smart-ass jock in the back of the room asks, "What about
extreme sexual exhaustion?" The entire class does its best to
stifle their laughter and snickering. When silence is restored,
the teacher smiles sympathetically at the student shakes her head,
and sweetly says, "Not an excuse........Write with your other hand."

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An English professor told her students that there would be no excuse for not showing up for their final exam

An English professor told her students that there would be no excuse for not showing up for their final exam, except for serious injury, illness, or a death in the student's immediate family. A smartass jock in the back of the room asked:

What about extreme sexual exhaustion?

The entire class did its best to stifle their laughter. When silence was restored, the teacher smiled sympathetically at the student, shook her head, and sweetly said:

You can write with your other hand.

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Farmer Smartass

A grandson goes to visit his grandfather's farm. He asks his grandfather, "Why does that chicken house have two doors?"

The grandfather replies, "It has two doors because it's a chicken coop. The one over there with four doors is a chicken sedan."

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Smart-Ass Johnny

teacher asks her class, "If there are 5 birds sitting on a fence and you shoot one of them, how many will be left?" She calls on little Johnny.

"None, they all fly away with the first gunshot."

The teacher replies, "The correct answer is 4, but I like your thinking."

Then Little Johnny says,
"I have a question for YOU.There are three women sitting on a bench having ice cream. One is delicately licking the sides of the triple scoop of ice cream. The second is gobbling down the top and sucking the cone. The third is biting off the top of the ice cream. Which one is married?"

The teacher, blushing a great deal, replies,
"Well I suppose the one that's gobbled down the top and sucked the cone."

"The correct answer is the one with the wedding ring on...

.....but I like your thinking."

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A teacher reminds her class of tomorrows exam

A teacher reminds her class of tomorrow's final exam. "Now class, I won't tolerate any excuses for you not being here tomorrow. I might consider a nuclear attack or a serious personal injury, illness, or a death in your immediate family, but that's it, no other excuses whatsoever!"
A smart-ass student in the back of the room raised his hand and asked, "What would you say if tomorrow I said I was suffering from complete and utter sexual exhaustion?"
The entire class is reduced to laughter and snickering. When silence was restored, the teacher smiled knowingly at the student, shook her head and sweetly said, "Well, I guess you'd have to write the exam with your other hand."

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Fucked a girl that had "IQ: 163" tattooed on her buttcheeks.

What a smart-ass.

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A car

A police officer stopped a car on the highway and went up to the driver. He saw the man, and said: "You've just won $1000 for wearing a seat belt! What are you going to do with your prize money?" The man thought, and said back: "Maybe go to the driving school and get my licence!" His wife told the cop: "Don't listen to him, he's a smartass when he's drunk".

All of this talking made a passenger in the back of the car wake up, and he blurted out: "I knew we wouldn't get far in this stolen car. Why didn't you change the number plate?" A knock emerged from the trunk of the car, and the person in the trunk said: "Are we at the border yet?"

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A haggard old woman walks into a bar.

She's holding a paper bag. She climbs up on the bar and holds up the bag.

"Any of you guys guess what's in this bag gets some tail!"

There's an uncomfortable silence until a smartass in the back yells "Yeah! Is it an elephant?"

"Close enough, let's go."

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No Excuses!

A teacher was wrapping up class and started talking about the final exam that was happening the next day. He said there would be no excuses for not showing up, barring a dire medical condition or an immediate family member's death. Then, one smart-ass male student asks, "*And what about extreme sexual exhaustion?*", and the whole class burst into laughter.

After the laughter had subsided, the teacher glared at the student and said, "*Not an excuse! You can use your other hand to write!*"

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A teacher asks her students...

..."there are 7 birds in a tree, if you shoot 3 down, how many would remain?" A smartass jumps up and says "None, all of them would fly away!". Teacher with a bit of belittling tone: "Incorrect, but I liked your style".

Then the student strikes "Ma'am, I'd like to ask a question too. You see three women walking by, eating ice cream. One is eating it by licking it, the other one is by sucking it and the last one by biting it. Which of these women is married?" The teacher thinks about it for a sec and answers "The one sucking it". The student then says: "No ma'am, it's the one with a wedding ring. But I liked your style too".

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My smartass 14-year-old son challenged me to a game of Tekken the other day, in front of his mates.

I finished him off with a killer combo in under 30 seconds, before proudly exclaiming, Who's your Daddy?

He replied, Mum says it was probably the milkman.

The little bastard.

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A college teacher reminds her class of tomorrow's final exam.

'Now class, I won't tolerate any excuses for you not being here tomorrow. I might consider a nuclear attack or a serious personal injury, illness, or a death in your immediate family, but that's it, no other excuses whatsoever!'


A smart-ass student in the back of the room raised his hand and asked, 'What would you say if tomorrow I said I was suffering from complete and utter sexual exhaustion?'


The entire class is reduced to laughter and snickering. When silence was restored, the teacher smiled knowingly at the student, shook her head and sweetly said, **'Well, I guess you'd have to write the exam with your other hand.'**

(If you guys started putting punchlines in bold I'd love ya forever)

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Driving on the highway

Ed was driving on the highway when a cop pulled him over and informed him that he'd won a $1000 safe driving award.

"So what are you going to spend the money on?" asked the cop

"I guess I'll use it to get that drivers' license." smiled Ed.

"Take no notice, officer," said Jenny in the passenger seat. "He's a real smartass when he's drunk and stoned."

Just then Ray in the back seat hissed: "I told you guys we wouldn't get far in a stolen car!"

As the cop took all this in, there was a knock from the trunk and a muffled voice said: "Are we over the border yet?"

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I know that the placebos is supposed to help with testing pills and medicines if they actually work...

But who's smart-ass idea was it to try it with Birth Control!?!?

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What did the smartass say to the idiot?

"What did the smartass say to the idiot?"

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Bartender is a Smart-ass

An elderly man walks into a bar holding hands with a beautiful young woman. He is obviously a man of great wealth, as his watch is decked in diamonds and his suit is of Italian make.

As the pair sits down, the bartender says I'm sorry sir, but we don't serve minors here, nodding towards the woman.

The man retorts Now hold on just a minute. How would you know if she's a minor? You haven't even asked for her ID!

The bartender shrugs and says she's clearly a gold digger.

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Ants

"We're on a roll!" said the worker ant.

"No, this is a donut." corrected the smart-ass ant.

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a bowler hat on a donkey

Do you know, why it's not recommended to put a bowler hat on a donkey?
Because no one likes a smartass...

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question on catholic school quiz: please explain the "immaculate conception". (offensive alert)

smartass kid: holy fuck?

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Tomorrow's Final Exam

A high school English teacher reminds her class of tomorrow's final exam. "Now class, I won't tolerate many excuses for you not being there tomorrow. I might consider a nuclear attack or a serious personal injury
or illness, or a death in your immediate family - but that's it, no other excuses whatsoever!"
A smart-ass guy in the back of the room raises his hand and asks, "What would you say if tomorrow I said I was suffering from complete and utter sexual exhaustion?" The entire class does its best to stifle their laughter and snickering. When silence is restored, the teacher smiles sympathetically at the
student, shakes her head, and sweetly says, "Well, I guess you'd have to
write the exam with your other hand."

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What's the difference between a smartass and a dumbass?

One is as sharp as a tack, the other uses a tarp for a shack.

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My friend told me to see the Eclipse

Thanks smartass, now i can't see nothing.

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Ceci n'est pas une pipe.

Fair enough, smartass.

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What did the dumbass say to the smartass?

Comment your response below.

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What are the most funny Smartass jokes of all time ?

Did you ever wanted to stand out with a good sense of humour joking with someone about Smartass? Well, here are the best Smartass dad jokes to laugh out loud. Crazy funny puns and Smartass pick up lines to share with friends.

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