Smart Jokes

167 smart jokes and hilarious smart puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about smart that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.

Achieve comedic greatness with our collection of smart jokes. Perfect for the wittiest of jesters, our selection from Crushwiser and Homogenius is sure to make you the life of the party.

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Short Smart Jokes
Smart One Liners
Are You Smart Jokes
Smart People Jokes
Smart Blonde Jokes
You Are So Smart Jokes
More Smart Jokes

Funniest Smart Short Jokes

Short smart jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The smart humour may include short wise jokes also.

I asked my maths teacher, "Will we ever use any of this algebra?" She said, "You won't, but some of the smart kids might."
My girlfriend is so smart! I forgot to bring my phone, so I used my friend's phone to call her.
She answered: "What's up, honey?"
What a smart girl! She knew I was the one on the phone!
"Remember, son, a smart person always has doubts about something. Only a total idiot can be 100% sure about everything." "Dad, are you sure?"
"Absolutely."
Did you know that you can tell how smart an ant is by catching it on fire? If it burns, it's a smart ant.
If it doesn't, it's retardant.
A man and a woman are lying in bed late night... ...and the woman asks her man: "Honey, do you prefer smart or pretty women?" and the man responds calmly: "Neither, baby, I prefer you."
My sister thought she was soo smart, she said the only vegetable/fruit that can make her cry is a onion So I threw a coconut at her
Grandpa Always told me... Find a woman who is smart.
Find a woman who is great in bed.
Find a woman who loves you for who you are.
And make sure none of these women ever meet.
At the office, I am known as "The Computer". Not because I am smart. But if you leave me unattended for 30 minutes, I go to sleep.
My girl is so smart! My girlfriend is so smart. I called her from my friends phone and she said "what's up honey?". She already knew I was on the other side of the line ;)
"When am I ever gonna use this?" Asked the student to the algebra teacher "Well you won't, but one of the smart kids might" he replied cheerfully

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Smart One Liners

Which smart one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with smart? I can suggest the ones about intelligent and sharp.

Today I learned boiling water was really smart. It has like, 100 degree.
99.9% of people are dumb Fortunately, I belong to 1% of smart people
What do we call smart people in the US? Tourists.
I married a beautiful woman - a smart one too. Hopefully they'll never meet.
What do you call a smart blonde? A Golden Retriever.
I asked the CIA for my lost GMail password... They sent it to me via my smart TV
If you are buying smart water for $5 a bottle... It isn't working.
Why is Kim Jong-un so smart? Because he is Supreme Reader
What are smart people in America called? Tourist
99.9% of the population is dumb. Fortunately I belong to the 1% of smart people.
Vaccines are like jokes Not everyone gets them, but the smart ones do.
When I was young I wanted to be smart, like my dad ... he also wants to be smart!
Why was the snowman so smart? He had a "snow-brainer"!
dogs aren't smart enough to operate mri machines but catscan
Why do blondes have bruises on their bellybutton? Blonde guys aren't that smart either!

Are You Smart Jokes

Here is a list of funny are you smart jokes and even better are you smart puns that will make you laugh with friends.

Are you smart enough to do this. Say the opposite of these words.
Always.
Coming.
From.
Take.
Me.
Down.
The wife asks her husband -What do you prefer, honey? A smart woman or a beautiful woman?
-Neither sweetie, you know I only have eyes for you
Rosh Hashana Joke When people ask me why Jews are so smart and rich?
Seriously?!,isn't it obvious we're about to be in the year 5783 and you are still living in 2022
I think it's smart for Texans to remove books from libraries... They're going to need more fuel for the fires after the Power Grid fails again
Wife: I heard you have a new secretary today? Husband:Yes.
Wife:Is she smart?
Husband:Yes.
Wife:Is she pretty?
Husband:Yes.
Wife:How did she dress today?
Husband:Very quickly.
My sister thinks shes so smart, shes said onions are the only food that makes you cry So I threw a coconut at her
The guy who invented auto-correct for smart phones passed away today. Restaurant in peace.
Boy To Girl Boy : You are the most funniest & most beautiful girl I've ever met.
Girl : You just want to screw me , Don't you ?
Boy : Wow ! and smart too ... !
My friend thinks he is so smart. He said the only food that can make a person cry is onions... until I hit him in the face with a coconut.
Last year, kids were eating tide pods. This year, they're getting vaccines and picking up trash. Seems that eating tide pods makes you smart!

Smart People Jokes

Here is a list of funny smart people jokes and even better smart people puns that will make you laugh with friends.

I hate it when people try and sound smart by using big words. It just makes them look ambidextrous
If vegans are so smart... Then why do we call brain-dead people vegetables?
p.s. Im sorry.
For the smart people People who don't know the linguistic difference between Etymology and Entomology really bug me.
Why they hire idiots in Russian military intelligence? Well, they used to hire smart people, but those would go to Great Britain, capitulate and stay there to live.
Why do smart people wear glasses? Because as resolution goes down performance goes up.
This is a little bad but....
Many people don't think I'm very smart... but I'll have you know that I almost got a perfect score on the IQ test. I almost made 100!
Why are smart people socially anxious? Because they have a strong nervous system.
Do you know 99% of people are really dumb? Luckily, I belong to the smart 5%.
Why do people like self-deprecating humor so much? I just wish I was smart enough to tell you.
Miniature schnauzer joke My miniature schnauzer is smarter than most people I know.

Smart Blonde Jokes

Here is a list of funny smart blonde jokes and even better smart blonde puns that will make you laugh with friends.

Blonde Joke Why did the blonde girl have bruises around her belly button?
Because blonde guys aren't smart either (Sorry if it's a repost.)
What is the difference between a smart blonde and a UFO? There have been sightings of UFOs
Why do blondes have bruises on their bellybuttons? Because blonde guys aren't that smart either
Q: What do you call a smart blonde?
A: Bigfoot, because they don't exist.
What is the difference between a smart blonde and Bigfoot? There have been reported sightings of bigfoot
A dumb blonde, a smart blonde and Santa Claus are playing a card game. Who wins? The dumb blonde does. The other two don't exist.
A Smart Blonde, Big Foot and Santa Claus Jump From A Building. Who reaches the ground first? No one, none of them exists.
Why did the blonde have bruises around her bellybutton? 'Cuz blond men aren't that smart, either.
What do you call a smart blonde? A Labrador retriever
Smart blonde, honest politican and grandma are walking into a bar Who orders beer?

Grandma because other characters are fictional!

You Are So Smart Jokes

Here is a list of funny you are so smart jokes and even better you are so smart puns that will make you laugh with friends.

How can you tell when a feminist is about to say something smart? It's always preceeded by "A man once told me..."
/me ducks and runs for cover. :D
Happy Feminists Day! :)
The average woman would rather be beautiful, than
smart ...because the average man can see better than he can think
I like my women like I like my phones Thin, smart, imported from Japan, and in my pocket all the time.
My boss calls me the computer Not because I'm smart, but because I go to sleep if left unattended for a few minutes
My girlfriend complained that there should be more women in technology So I put her in my new smart fridge
Mommy, how come computers are so smart.. That's because they listen to their Motherboards.
My girlfriend is so smart I called her from my friends phone and when she answered she said hey babe what's up? How did she know it was me?
As a golfer, it's always smart to wear 2 pairs of pants. You know, just in case you get a hole in one.
The Smart Kid
A child asks his father:
- Daddy, where did I get my intelligence from?
- From your mother, I think. I still have mine.
There is an old Scottish proverb that says.... If you're smart enough to fall asleep in a field of cows, you're guaranteed to get a pat on the back.

Smart joke, There is an old Scottish proverb that says....

Cheeky Smart Jokes that Will Make You and Your Friends Chuckle

What funny jokes about smart you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean most intelligent jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make smart pranks.

What do you get when you cross a border collie with a pit bull?

A dog that is smart enough to bury the bodies.

Moses, Jesus and Mohammed were selecting their followers...

Moses looks at all the women from whom to create his chosen people, picks out all of the smart ones and tells them to follow him. Jesus' turn comes, he looks at the remaining group, picks all of the most beautiful ones and tells them to follow him. Mohammed takes a look at the remaining group, sighs and says "cover yourself up"

Joke directed insult

A woman walks into the doctors office. She says she wants a child, but doesnt want to have s**.... The doctor says ok and asks what kind of child she wants. The woman said she wanted a smart and handsome kid. The doctor then hands her a blue pill.
A few months later, the woman comes back and says she has had a miscarriage but still wants a child. The doctor says ok and asks what kind of kid she wants. The woman said she will have a regular kid this time. The doctor then hands her a red pill.
Even more months later, the woman returns and says shes had a miscarriage but still wants a kid. The doctor says ok and asks what kind of kid she will want. She says since the other ones did not work out she will have a ugly, s**... kid. The doctor says ok and hands her a pill.
*At this point the joke teller asks the victim what color they think the pill is.
*The response will most likely be "I don't know, what?"
*The joke teller then says "I don't know, try asking your mother."
Immaturity at its best.

What did the super smart dude say to the m**...?

Over smart.

A young businessman had just started his own firm. He had just rented a beautiful office and had it furnished with antiques.
He saw a man come into the outer office. Wishing to appear the hot shot, the businessman picked up the phone and started to pretend he had a big deal working. He threw huge figures around and made giant commitments.
Finally he hung up and asked the visitor, "Can I help you?"
"Yeah, I've come to activate your phone lines."

Who said r**... aren't real smart?

"Hello, is this here the Sheriff's Office?"
"Yes. What can I do for you?"
"I'm calling to report my neighbor, Virgil Smith. He's drillin' holes in his farwood and hiding m**... inside!"
"Thank you very much for the call, sir."
The next day, the Sheriff & his deputies descend on Virgil's house. They search the shed where the firewood is kept.
Using axes, they split every piece of wood, but find no m**.... They sneer at Virgil and leave.
The phone rings at Virgil's house. "Hey, Virgil! This here is Floyd. Did the Sheriff come?"
"Yeah!"
"Did they split yer farwood?"
"Yep!"
"Happy Birthday, buddy!"

Smart pills

One day two boys were walking through the woods when they saw some rabbit turds. One of the boys said, ''What is that?''
''They're smart pills,'' said the other boy. ''Eat them and they'll make you smarter.
So he ate them and said, ''These taste like c**....''
''See,'' said the other boy, ''you're getting smarter already.''

Who do you think was smarter, Jesus or Buddha?

I mean, just in terms of not letting themselves get crucified.
*-Anthony Jeselnik, Shakespeare*

r**... boy meets his dream girl!

A young boy comes home to his father one day after school.
"Dad, I met the most INCREDIBLE girl in the world today. She's smart, she's beautiful, AND she's funny."
Dad pats his son on the back and walks him into the kitchen, "That's great, son. I'm proud of you for finding someone you like so much."
"That's not the best part, Dad. She's a v**...."
At this point the father slams his hand down on the counter, "I forbid this relationship, son. I never want you to see this girl again. And if I find out you do, I'm going to give you the biggest whooping you ever had."
Tears stream down the son's face, "But, Dad, WHY? She's amazing and she likes me!"
"Well, son. If she ain't good enough for her own family, she ain't good enough for ours."

Smart dog

A man walks into a bar, after buying a beer he looks around the bar and sees three men and a dog playing cards. Amazed, the man wanders over and starts watching the game. Aftere watching the game for ten minutes, the man leans over to one of the other player's and whispers " Wow, that's a really smart dog!".
The man whispers backs "He isn't that smart, every time he gets a good hand, he wags his tail!"

What do you call a smart knife?

Cleaver!

A boy is studying for his geography quiz

His mom asks him:
"What is the capital of Germany?"
"Berlin", says the boy.
"What is the capital of France?"
"Berlin."
"What is the capital of Russia?"
"Berlin."
"You're so smart, Adolf, I know you'll do great on your quiz."

Art Thief

A mastermind thief infiltrates The Louvre and steals several paintings. He loads them all into his van and drives off. A few blocks away, his van breaks down. When the police arrive on the scene, one of the officers asks the mastermind how something like this could happen if he was so smart. The mastermind replies with "I had no Monet to buy Degas to make the Van Gogh."

A guy walks into a Mexican restaurant and takes a seat...

A guy walks into a Mexican restaurant and takes a seat.
Before he gets to order a his food, the bowl of tortilla chips in front of him says "Hey, you're a handsome fellow."
The man tries to ignore the chips and orders a margarita.
The chips say, "Ooooh that drink is delicious. Great choice. You're a very smart man."
Starting to freak out, the guy screams to the waiter, "Hey what the heck, this bowl of chips keeps saying nice things to me!!"
Waiter says, "Don't worry about it, the tortilla chips are complimentary."

What's it called when a smart girl jerks you off?

A s**... of genius!

Apple is going to release the first smart vacuum cleaner this year

The first Apple product that doesn't s**...
(not hating on apple or anything but i got this joke somewhere)

A police officer pulls over a driver...

A police officer pulls over a driver and informs him that he has just won $5,000 in a safety competition, all because he is wearing his seat belt.
"What are you going to do with the prize money?" the officer asks.
The man responds, "I guess I'll go to driving school and get my license."
His wife says, "Officer, don't listen to him. He's a smart aleck when he's drunk."
The guy in the back seat pops up out from under the blanket and says, "I knew we wouldn't get far in this stolen car."
Just then a knock comes from the trunk and a voice calls out, "Are we over the border yet?"

Funny Comeback

Teacher: where is your homework?
Kid: at home.
Teacher: why is it at home?
Kid: it's called HOME work for a reason.
Teacher: are you being smart with me!
Kid: this IS school isn't it? Aren't you supposed to be smart.

I just smashed into a Smart Car...

It's totalled. But at least my bike is fine.

What's smarter than a talking parrot?

A spelling bee

What's smarter than a dog, but dumber than a cat?

Their owner.

A black guy, a white guy, and a Mexican guy were eying a h**... from across a bar.

She notices them looking at her, so she walks up to them.She says, " I want a man that"s smart. Use the words LIVER and CHEESE in one sentence. "The black guy goes " I love to eat liver and cheese. "The white guy goes " I like to cook liver and cheese. "The Mexican guy goes up to the girl and tells the guys " Liver alone, cheese mine!!"

The smartest dog

One day, two women were arguing about whose dog is smarter.
The first woman says, "My dog's so smart, every morning he waits for the paper-boy to come around and then he takes the newspaper and brings it to me."
The second woman replies, "I know.."
The first woman, surprisingly ask, "How do YOU know?"
The second woman says, "My dog told me."

2 scientists walk into a bar

the first one says: I´ll have a glass of H2O...
the second one says: i´ll have a glass of water too.... Wh... why did you say H2O ? Is there any reason to use the chemical formular outside the lab ?Doesn`t this just over-complicate things for no reason ? I really don´t think that was very smart...
the first scientists stares at his drink, angry, that his assassination plan has failed...

Blackbeard the pirate sends his son BB Junior to kindergarten

As its the first day, the teachers want to gauge how smart each child is.
"who can sing the Alphabet" enquires the teacher
'Y'arrrr I can" says BB Junior
"Ok BB, go ahead" the teacher encourages
BB stands up full of confidence
"A B C C C C C C C D E F..."
"Stop" the teacher interrupts "thats not right BB there is only one C"
BB looks at her as if she's an idiot
"WRONG" he retorts "THERE ARE *SEVEN C's*"

Two Engineers Run into Each Other

One of them is riding a shiny new bike.
Engineer 1: "Where'd you get that bike?"
Engineer 2: "Well, yesterday a beautiful woman rode up to me on this bike, took off all her clothes, and said I could have anything I wanted.
So, I took the bike."
Engineer 1: "That was smart... the clothes probably wouldn't have fit."

My friend told me I was smart enough to be the next Isaac Newton...

Well Newton died a lonely v**... so clearly I'm doing something right

So my parents were "debating" at the dinner table the other night

Mom: Cougar is the term used to describe an older woman who desires young men. I'm seeing a double standard here. Why isn't there a term for an older man who desires young women? What is he called?
Dad: Smart.

I was in a c**... with a smart car today. The smart car was totaled.

My bike was fine, though.

So aliens flew by our planet recently and one asked the other...

Alien 1 How advanced is that civilization?
Alien 2 They have discovered nuclear technology.
Alien 1 Oh boy... That's pretty intelligent. We better keep our distance then from their missles.
Alien 2 Nah, they're not that smart yet. They have em pointed at themselves.

What's the difference between a smart white guy and someone who tells jokes all the time?

Nothing. They're both wisecrackers.

Jewish Judge

Taking his seat in his chambers, the smart, HONEST Jewish Judge faced the opposing lawyers.

"So, the Judge said, I have been presented, by both of you, with a bribe."

Both lawyers became uncomfortable.

" You, attorney John, gave me $ 50,000 and you, attorney Sam, gave me $ 60,000."

The judge now reached into his pocket and pulled out $ 10,000, He handed it to attorney Sam and said...

"Now that I'm returning $ 10,000, we're going to decide this case solely on its merits.

Smart first grader

A first-grade teacher can't believe her student isn't hepped-up about the Super Bowl. It's a huge event. Why aren't you excited?
Because I'm not a football fan. My parents love basketball, so I do too, says the student.
Well, that's a lousy reason, says the teacher. What if your parents were morons? What would you be then?
Then I'd be a football fan.

During a quiet moment at a White House dinner, Melania Trump leaned over to chat with Secretary of State, Tillerson.

"I bought Donald a parrot for his birthday. That bird is so smart, Donald has already taught him to say more than two hundred words!"

Wow, that's impressive," said Tillerson, "but, you do realize he just speaks the words. He doesn't really understand what they all mean.
"Oh, I know", replied Melania, but neither does the parrot."

I went to the local liquor store on my bicycle the other day

I bought a nice bottle of scotch and put it in my basket.. I was afraid that if I fell over the bottle might break so instead of risking it I drank the bottle right there.
Turned out to be a smart thing to do because I must have fallen 12 times on my short way back home..

Smart waitress

A husband and wife were driving through Louisiana. As they approached Natchitoches, they started arguing about the pronunciation of the town. They argued back and forth, then they stopped for lunch. At the counter, the husband asked the blonde waitress, "Before we order, could you please settle an argument for us? Would you please pronounce where we are very slowly?" She leaned over the counter and said, "Burrr-gerrr Kiiing."

Students are smart

Chemistry Professor: Now, class, here I have a beaker of H2SO4, and here I have a gold ring. Suppose I drop the ring into the sulphuric acid. Will the gold dissolve?
Student: No
Professor: Good. And will you please tell us why not?
Student: If it would dissolve, you wouldn't put it in.

Boy: You are very beautiful

Girl: You are only saying this because you wanna have s**... with me...
Boy: Smart, too.

Ever have s**... with a girl only to realize they're completely insane?

For example, last week I hooked up with this cute red-head . She was smart, s**..., bit of a lisp. Everything seemed normal, but the second we got finished she started going on about how she was the Norse god of thunder.

I before E, except after C.

We ***feign agreeing***, but this ***foreign poltergeist*** of a rule is ***neither efficient*** nor smart- and ***therein*** lies the ***height*** of the issue. It's as if an ***ancient deity*** has influenced the ***zeitgeist*** of the people. We must remove the ***weight*** of this ***veil*** from ***their*** eyes, and ***forfeit*** the ***leisure*** of this ***weird*** and ***heinous*** rule from our ***science*** and ***leisure*** alike.

I'm not the smartest student ever so I tried something a little risky to get a better grade...

I got a D- on my recent English test and my dad wasn't very happy with my mark. I asked my teacher if I could do a s**... favour for her to get a B+. She got very offended. My classmates didn't think that was okay either, and they stopped talking to me for a few weeks.
If you guys want, I can tell more stories about my homeschooling

I finally got a smart dishwasher....

My wife finished college.

Wife asks the husband, who's the fool - you or me?

The husband calmly replies, while sipping his coffee, "honey, everyone knows you are way too smart to marry a fool"
Edit - I swear the joke was hilarious in the language I translated it from.

2 scientists walk into a bar, the first one says I'll have H2O the second one says I'll have water also the first scientist walks off, furious that is assassination attempt had failed.

You have to be moderately smart to understand it...

Since people are translating their native jokes, I hope no one has posted this yet

There were 3 boys who were being chased by the police. John the wise, Peter the smart, and Jose the dumb.
As the police were gaining on them, they each decided to hide in a box in an alley way.
The policeman ran up to John's Box and kicked it.
Thinking quickly, John said "Woof woof"
The policeman shrugged and said "Ohhh, its just a dog"
He then went up Peter's box, and kicked it.
Peter followed John's example, "Meow meow"
The Policeman shrugged again and said "Ohhh, its just a cat"
He then went to the last box, which hid Jose and kicked it
"Potato Potato"

A farmer bragged to his friend about his smart chickens

"How do you know they're smart?"
"They love classical music! That's smarty-pants music right there."
"And how do you know that's what they like?"
"Every morning, I say to the chickens 'What music for today?' and they ask for their favorite composer: 'Bach, Bach, Bach!'"

Sharing for my 70 yr old mother. Why are computers so smart?

Because they listen to their motherboards.

Why do blonde girls have bruises around their belly b**...?

Because blonde guys aren't that smart either.

Apple is set to release their new electric smart car in 2024...

It will be the first apple product with windows.