Smart Jokes
166 smart jokes and hilarious smart puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about smart that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.
Achieve comedic greatness with our collection of smart jokes. Perfect for the wittiest of jesters, our selection from Crushwiser and Homogenius is sure to make you the life of the party.
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Funniest Smart Short Jokes
Short smart jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The smart humour may include short wise jokes also.
- I asked my maths teacher, "Will we ever use any of this algebra?" She said, "You won't, but some of the smart kids might."
- My girlfriend is so smart! I forgot to bring my phone, so I used my friend's phone to call her.
She answered: "What's up, honey?"
What a smart girl! She knew I was the one on the phone! - "Remember, son, a smart person always has doubts about something. Only a total idiot can be 100% sure about everything." "Dad, are you sure?"
"Absolutely." - A man and a woman are lying in bed late night... ...and the woman asks her man: "Honey, do you prefer smart or pretty women?" and the man responds calmly: "Neither, baby, I prefer you."
- My sister thought she was soo smart, she said the only vegetable/fruit that can make her cry is a onion So I threw a coconut at her
- Grandpa Always told me... Find a woman who is smart.
Find a woman who is great in bed.
Find a woman who loves you for who you are.
And make sure none of these women ever meet. - Are you smart enough to do this. Say the opposite of these words.
Always.
Coming.
From.
Take.
Me.
Down. - The wife asks her husband -What do you prefer, honey? A smart woman or a beautiful woman?
-Neither sweetie, you know I only have eyes for you - I think it's smart for Texans to remove books from libraries... They're going to need more fuel for the fires after the Power Grid fails again
- Wife: I heard you have a new secretary today? Husband:Yes.
Wife:Is she smart?
Husband:Yes.
Wife:Is she pretty?
Husband:Yes.
Wife:How did she dress today?
Husband:Very quickly.
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Smart One Liners
Which smart one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with smart? I can suggest the ones about intelligent and sharp.
- Today I learned boiling water was really smart. It has like, 100 degree.
- What do we call smart people in the US? Tourists.
- I married a beautiful woman - a smart one too. Hopefully they'll never meet.
- What do you call a smart blonde? A Golden Retriever.
- I asked the CIA for my lost GMail password... They sent it to me via my smart TV
- If you are buying smart water for $5 a bottle... It isn't working.
- Vaccines are like jokes Not everyone gets them, but the smart ones do.
- When I was young I wanted to be smart, like my dad ... he also wants to be smart!
- Why was the snowman so smart? He had a "snow-brainer"!
- I finally got a smart dishwasher.... My wife finished college.
- What do you call a smart knife? Cleaver!
- I just smashed into a Smart Car... It's totalled. But at least my bike is fine.
- Why are smart lights turned off when they update ? To not attract bugs
- Rhodes Scholars are book smart... but road scholars are street smart.
- Why was the herd of well-sighted deer so smart? It was full of good eye deers.
Are You Smart Jokes
Here is a list of funny are you smart jokes and even better are you smart puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- My friend thinks he is so smart. He said the only food that can make a person cry is onions... until I hit him in the face with a coconut.
- Last year, kids were eating tide pods. This year, they're getting vaccines and picking up trash. Seems that eating tide pods makes you smart!
- How can you tell when a feminist is about to say something smart? It's always preceeded by "A man once told me..."
/me ducks and runs for cover. :D
Happy Feminists Day! :) - The average woman would rather be beautiful, than
smart ...because the average man can see better than he can think - I like my women like I like my phones Thin, smart, imported from Japan, and in my pocket all the time.
- My girlfriend complained that there should be more women in technology So I put her in my new smart fridge
- Mommy, how come computers are so smart.. That's because they listen to their Motherboards.
- What is the difference between a smart blonde and a UFO? There have been sightings of UFOs
- As a golfer, it's always smart to wear 2 pairs of pants. You know, just in case you get a hole in one.
- There is an old Scottish proverb that says.... If you're smart enough to fall asleep in a field of cows, you're guaranteed to get a pat on the back.
Smart People Jokes
Here is a list of funny smart people jokes and even better smart people puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- I hate it when people try and sound smart by using big words. It just makes them look ambidextrous
- If vegans are so smart... Then why do we call brain-dead people vegetables?
p.s. Im sorry. - Why do smart people wear glasses? Because as resolution goes down performance goes up.
This is a little bad but.... - Many people don't think I'm very smart... but I'll have you know that I almost got a perfect score on the IQ test. I almost made 100!
- Why are smart people socially anxious? Because they have a strong nervous system.
- Why do people like self-deprecating humor so much? I just wish I was smart enough to tell you.
- Miniature schnauzer joke My miniature schnauzer is smarter than most people I know.
- I remember this one time in high school I pulled out my MP3 player and people started making fun off me for not having a smart phone At least the quiet kid was there with a MP5
- Dad, what is evolution? Dad: it's when smart people get fully vaccinated before the big delta wave
- Somebody told me I need to give my new Smart Car a name. So I called it 'Octomom' because even though I can technically fit 8 people in there, it doesn't mean it's a good idea.
Smart Blonde Jokes
Here is a list of funny smart blonde jokes and even better smart blonde puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- What is the difference between a smart blonde and Bigfoot? There have been reported sightings of bigfoot
- A Smart Blonde, Big Foot and Santa Claus Jump From A Building. Who reaches the ground first? No one, none of them exists.
- Smart blonde, honest politican and grandma are walking into a bar Who orders beer?
Grandma because other characters are fictional! - What do you call it when you see a smart blonde A dream
- What's the same about a smart blonde and a UFO? You keep hearing about em but you never see em
- Q: What’s the difference between a smart blonde and a unicorn?
A: Nothing, they're both fictional characters. - What do you call a smart blonde? A mircale
- Researchers find a very smart blonde....
- Have you heard of that one smart blonde? Me neither
- What do smart blondes and UFO's have in common? You hear about them but never see them
You Are So Smart Jokes
Here is a list of funny you are so smart jokes and even better you are so smart puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- What's the difference between a smart white guy and someone who tells jokes all the time? Nothing. They're both wisecrackers.
- I must be very unlucky every time I argue with someone on reddit it's with someone who's already a professional in that subject! never knew redditors were so smart
- Apple is set to release their new electric smart car in 2024... It will be the first apple product with windows.
- What do you get when you cross a border collie with a pit bull? A dog that is smart enough to bury the bodies.
- How do you know a woman is going to say something smart? When the sentence begins with, "A man once told me..."
- "You're so funny, kind, and beautiful." "Oh come on, you're just saying that so I will sleep with you." "And you're smart too!"
- I saw a man cutting a pizza with a smart phone I know it's cutting edge technology but jeez
- Cats don't need smart phones to solve their problems, they just sleep until the problem solves itself. Cats: There's a nap for that.
- I told my wife not to worry about her smart phone and tv spying on us…. Because the vacuum has been gathering our dirt for years!
- I have a smart kid. I told him about the birds and bees And he told me about my wife and the butcher!
Cheeky Smart Jokes that Will Make You and Your Friends Chuckle
What funny jokes about smart you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean most intelligent jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make smart pranks.
My favorite joke of all time.
A man calls information for a phone number (this happened before smart phones)
Anyway, the man asks for Derp Smith in Derpville, California.
The operator says "I have many listings for Derp Smith, do you have a street name?"
The man thought for a moment and replied
"Well, some people call me Iceman."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Joke directed insult
A woman walks into the doctors office. She says she wants a child, but doesnt want to have s**.... The doctor says ok and asks what kind of child she wants. The woman said she wanted a smart and handsome kid. The doctor then hands her a blue pill.
A few months later, the woman comes back and says she has had a miscarriage but still wants a child. The doctor says ok and asks what kind of kid she wants. The woman said she will have a regular kid this time. The doctor then hands her a red pill.
Even more months later, the woman returns and says shes had a miscarriage but still wants a kid. The doctor says ok and asks what kind of kid she will want. She says since the other ones did not work out she will have a ugly, s**... kid. The doctor says ok and hands her a pill.
*At this point the joke teller asks the victim what color they think the pill is.
*The response will most likely be "I don't know, what?"
*The joke teller then says "I don't know, try asking your mother."
Immaturity at its best.
Two fisherman friends
Two fisherman friends meet for the first time in months and start to catch up.
* -So how are you?
* -I'm very well. I actually got married recently.
* -Congratulations, that's great news! So how is your wife, is she beautiful?
* -Not really...
* -Ah, so she's smart then?
* -Not at all...
* -Has she got money?
* -Nope.
* -Then why did you marry her?
* -She's got worms.
This husband wins the fight every time.
A newlywed couple are having their first big fight since being married. Things start getting heated when the husband angrily says "You know I'm right, I'm twice as smart as you!" Furious, the wife asks incredulously "What the heck, how could you say that!" The husband responds, "Well, just look at who I married compared to who you married, and tell me who is smarter!"
Use this one with caution in your own marriage :-)
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
What did the super smart dude say to the m**...?
What did the super smart dude say to the m**...?
Over smart.
A young businessman had just started his own firm. He had just rented a beautiful office and had it furnished with antiques.
He saw a man come into the outer office. Wishing to appear the hot shot, the businessman picked up the phone and started to pretend he had a big deal working. He threw huge figures around and made giant commitments.
Finally he hung up and asked the visitor, "Can I help you?"
"Yeah, I've come to activate your phone lines."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Why don't smart girls ever get pregnant?
Because they use their head.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Who said r**... aren't real smart?
"Hello, is this here the Sheriff's Office?"
"Yes. What can I do for you?"
"I'm calling to report my neighbor, Virgil Smith. He's drillin' holes in his farwood and hiding m**... inside!"
"Thank you very much for the call, sir."
The next day, the Sheriff & his deputies descend on Virgil's house. They search the shed where the firewood is kept.
Using axes, they split every piece of wood, but find no m**.... They sneer at Virgil and leave.
The phone rings at Virgil's house. "Hey, Virgil! This here is Floyd. Did the Sheriff come?"
"Yeah!"
"Did they split yer farwood?"
"Yep!"
"Happy Birthday, buddy!"
Why do fish make you smart?
Because they're always in schools.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Three men of different ethnicities walk into a bar. The first two say something smart. The third completely embarrasses his countrymen by saying something s**....
Who do you think was smarter, Jesus or Buddha?
I mean, just in terms of not letting themselves get crucified.
*-Anthony Jeselnik, Shakespeare*
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A boy thinks his English teacher is attractive
One day after school he finally works up the courage to tell her how he feels. "Ms. Smith you're smart and beautiful, can I have s**... with you?" The teacher responds, "I don't know, may you have s**... with me?"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
r**... boy meets his dream girl!
A young boy comes home to his father one day after school.
"Dad, I met the most INCREDIBLE girl in the world today. She's smart, she's beautiful, AND she's funny."
Dad pats his son on the back and walks him into the kitchen, "That's great, son. I'm proud of you for finding someone you like so much."
"That's not the best part, Dad. She's a v**...."
At this point the father slams his hand down on the counter, "I forbid this relationship, son. I never want you to see this girl again. And if I find out you do, I'm going to give you the biggest whooping you ever had."
Tears stream down the son's face, "But, Dad, WHY? She's amazing and she likes me!"
"Well, son. If she ain't good enough for her own family, she ain't good enough for ours."
A guy walks into a Mexican restaurant and takes a seat...
A guy walks into a Mexican restaurant and takes a seat.
Before he gets to order a his food, the bowl of tortilla chips in front of him says "Hey, you're a handsome fellow."
The man tries to ignore the chips and orders a margarita.
The chips say, "Ooooh that drink is delicious. Great choice. You're a very smart man."
Starting to freak out, the guy screams to the waiter, "Hey what the heck, this bowl of chips keeps saying nice things to me!!"
Waiter says, "Don't worry about it, the tortilla chips are complimentary."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
What's it called when a smart girl jerks you off?
A s**... of genius!
A police officer pulls over a driver...
A police officer pulls over a driver and informs him that he has just won $5,000 in a safety competition, all because he is wearing his seat belt.
"What are you going to do with the prize money?" the officer asks.
The man responds, "I guess I'll go to driving school and get my license."
His wife says, "Officer, don't listen to him. He's a smart aleck when he's drunk."
The guy in the back seat pops up out from under the blanket and says, "I knew we wouldn't get far in this stolen car."
Just then a knock comes from the trunk and a voice calls out, "Are we over the border yet?"
Funny Comeback
Teacher: where is your homework?
Kid: at home.
Teacher: why is it at home?
Kid: it's called HOME work for a reason.
Teacher: are you being smart with me!
Kid: this IS school isn't it? Aren't you supposed to be smart.
What's smarter than a talking parrot?
A spelling bee
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
What's smarter than a dog, but dumber than a cat?
Their owner.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A black guy, a white guy, and a Mexican guy were eying a h**... from across a bar.
She notices them looking at her, so she walks up to them.She says, " I want a man that"s smart. Use the words LIVER and CHEESE in one sentence. "The black guy goes " I love to eat liver and cheese. "The white guy goes " I like to cook liver and cheese. "The Mexican guy goes up to the girl and tells the guys " Liver alone, cheese mine!!"
The smartest dog
One day, two women were arguing about whose dog is smarter.
The first woman says, "My dog's so smart, every morning he waits for the paper-boy to come around and then he takes the newspaper and brings it to me."
The second woman replies, "I know.."
The first woman, surprisingly ask, "How do YOU know?"
The second woman says, "My dog told me."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Blackbeard the pirate sends his son BB Junior to kindergarten
As its the first day, the teachers want to gauge how smart each child is.
"who can sing the Alphabet" enquires the teacher
'Y'arrrr I can" says BB Junior
"Ok BB, go ahead" the teacher encourages
BB stands up full of confidence
"A B C C C C C C C D E F..."
"Stop" the teacher interrupts "thats not right BB there is only one C"
BB looks at her as if she's an idiot
"WRONG" he retorts "THERE ARE *SEVEN C's*"
What's the smartest cookie?
Academia nut
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
My friend told me I was smart enough to be the next Isaac Newton...
Well Newton died a lonely v**... so clearly I'm doing something right
So my parents were "debating" at the dinner table the other night
Mom: Cougar is the term used to describe an older woman who desires young men. I'm seeing a double standard here. Why isn't there a term for an older man who desires young women? What is he called?
Dad: Smart.
Jewish Judge
Taking his seat in his chambers, the smart, HONEST Jewish Judge faced the opposing lawyers.
"So, the Judge said, I have been presented, by both of you, with a bribe."
Both lawyers became uncomfortable.
" You, attorney John, gave me $ 50,000 and you, attorney Sam, gave me $ 60,000."
The judge now reached into his pocket and pulled out $ 10,000, He handed it to attorney Sam and said...
"Now that I'm returning $ 10,000, we're going to decide this case solely on its merits.
A young kid was smart, but was failing math.
He simply refused to apply himself. The parents tried everything to no avail. Finally, in desperation, they put him into a private Catholic school. When they got his first report card they were delighted to see he got an A in math. They asked him what had finally motivated him. He said "When I first walked into the school and saw that guy on the wall nailed to the plus sign, I knew these guys were serious."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Smart first grader
A first-grade teacher can't believe her student isn't hepped-up about the Super Bowl. It's a huge event. Why aren't you excited?
Because I'm not a football fan. My parents love basketball, so I do too, says the student.
Well, that's a lousy reason, says the teacher. What if your parents were morons? What would you be then?
Then I'd be a football fan.
During a quiet moment at a White House dinner, Melania Trump leaned over to chat with Secretary of State, Tillerson.
"I bought Donald a parrot for his birthday. That bird is so smart, Donald has already taught him to say more than two hundred words!"
Wow, that's impressive," said Tillerson, "but, you do realize he just speaks the words. He doesn't really understand what they all mean.
"Oh, I know", replied Melania, but neither does the parrot."
I went to the local liquor store on my bicycle the other day
I bought a nice bottle of scotch and put it in my basket.. I was afraid that if I fell over the bottle might break so instead of risking it I drank the bottle right there.
Turned out to be a smart thing to do because I must have fallen 12 times on my short way back home..
Smart Potion
A kid is on his lawn, playing with mud. A man walks up to him and asks, What are you doing? The kid says, Making a smart potion. Would you like some? So the man says, Sure. I'll try some. So the kid gives the man a bit of the mud in a cup to drink. When the man drank it, he yelled, Blech! This is mud! So the kid says, See, getting smarter already.
Smart waitress
A husband and wife were driving through Louisiana. As they approached Natchitoches, they started arguing about the pronunciation of the town. They argued back and forth, then they stopped for lunch. At the counter, the husband asked the blonde waitress, "Before we order, could you please settle an argument for us? Would you please pronounce where we are very slowly?" She leaned over the counter and said, "Burrr-gerrr Kiiing."
Students are smart
Chemistry Professor: Now, class, here I have a beaker of H2SO4, and here I have a gold ring. Suppose I drop the ring into the sulphuric acid. Will the gold dissolve?
Student: No
Professor: Good. And will you please tell us why not?
Student: If it would dissolve, you wouldn't put it in.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Boy: You are very beautiful
Girl: You are only saying this because you wanna have s**... with me...
Boy: Smart, too.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Ever have s**... with a girl only to realize they're completely insane?
For example, last week I hooked up with this cute red-head . She was smart, s**..., bit of a lisp. Everything seemed normal, but the second we got finished she started going on about how she was the Norse god of thunder.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
I before E, except after C.
We ***feign agreeing***, but this ***foreign poltergeist*** of a rule is ***neither efficient*** nor smart- and ***therein*** lies the ***height*** of the issue. It's as if an ***ancient deity*** has influenced the ***zeitgeist*** of the people. We must remove the ***weight*** of this ***veil*** from ***their*** eyes, and ***forfeit*** the ***leisure*** of this ***weird*** and ***heinous*** rule from our ***science*** and ***leisure*** alike.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
I'm not the smartest student ever so I tried something a little risky to get a better grade...
I got a D- on my recent English test and my dad wasn't very happy with my mark. I asked my teacher if I could do a s**... favour for her to get a B+. She got very offended. My classmates didn't think that was okay either, and they stopped talking to me for a few weeks.
If you guys want, I can tell more stories about my homeschooling
Wife asks the husband, who's the fool - you or me?
The husband calmly replies, while sipping his coffee, "honey, everyone knows you are way too smart to marry a fool"
Edit - I swear the joke was hilarious in the language I translated it from.
Since people are translating their native jokes, I hope no one has posted this yet
There were 3 boys who were being chased by the police. John the wise, Peter the smart, and Jose the dumb.
As the police were gaining on them, they each decided to hide in a box in an alley way.
The policeman ran up to John's Box and kicked it.
Thinking quickly, John said "Woof woof"
The policeman shrugged and said "Ohhh, its just a dog"
He then went up Peter's box, and kicked it.
Peter followed John's example, "Meow meow"
The Policeman shrugged again and said "Ohhh, its just a cat"
He then went to the last box, which hid Jose and kicked it
"Potato Potato"
A farmer bragged to his friend about his smart chickens
"How do you know they're smart?"
"They love classical music! That's smarty-pants music right there."
"And how do you know that's what they like?"
"Every morning, I say to the chickens 'What music for today?' and they ask for their favorite composer: 'Bach, Bach, Bach!'"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
My sister thinks shes so smart, shes said onions are the only food that makes you cry
So I threw a coconut at her
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
I usually put my smartphone in my back pocket
now I'm a smart a**...
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
If someone gave you $200 because you're ugly , would you take the money?
Me: Absolutely! I'm ugly, not s**....
Not a proper joke but it was the smart answer that made me giggle.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
99.9% of the population is dumb.
Fortunately I belong to the 1% of smart people.
I bought one of those "Smart" light switches, but it was too clever for me.
So I replaced it with a dimmer switch.
