Small Jokes

Humoristic puns and funny pick up lines

When Trump borrows $1,000,000 from his dad it's a small loan

But when he donates that much money to Texas, it's a yuuuge contribution

My best friend got mad at me because he caught me sniffing his sister's panties

It didn't help that she was still wearing them.

Or that his whole family was there.

That made the rest of his sister's funeral kind of awkward.

And who thought you could make the funeral for such a small child more awkward than it already was..

What's the smallest organ in a goat?

An ISIS member's penis.

I need to re-home a dog.

It's a small terrier, and tends to bark a lot. If you're interested, let me know and I'll jump over next door's fence and get it for you.

Your penis is so small..

That when you put it in a girl her immune system tries to fight it.

A guy walks into a library and asks the librarian, "do you have that book for men with small penises?"

The librarian looks on her computer and says, "I don't know if it's in yet."

The man replies, "Yeah that's the one."

A man walks into a library and says to the librarian, "do you have that book for men with small penises?"

The librarian looks on her computer and says, "I don't know if it's in yet."

"Yeah that's the one"

I buy my guns from a guy named T-Rex

He's a small arms dealer.

Trumpets and Guns

In a small town, a man just opened a small store selling trumpets and guns.

One day his neighbor pays him a visit and says, "So how is your strange business going?"

"What do you mean strange?"

"Because you sell only trumpets and guns!"

"So?"

"Well, let me put it this way, what do you sell the most, trumpets or guns?"

"It evens itself out. Each time a customer buys a trumpet, one of his neighbors buys a gun."

I have a T-Rex who sells me guns.

He's a small arms dealer.

Right before surgery the surgeon says: "Relax, Jim. It's just a small scalpel incision. No reason to panic."

The patient replies: "But, Doctor, my name is not Jim." The surgeon says: "I know. I'm Jim."

Small Penis

My wife keeps telling me that if your relationship is strong a small penis shouldn't make any difference

I just wish she didn't have one at all...

Small Head

A man with a very small head walks into a bar, and the bartender asks, "Why is your head so small?"
He replies, "I was stuck on this island and there was nothing but beautiful women there who had never seen a man before. So I had sex with all of them. Their leader, who was the most beautiful of all, had the power to grant anybody one wish, so I asked her to have sex with me. She said she would grant me anything but that, so I said, "Would a little head be out of the question?"

A physicist, engineer, and mathematician are asked by a local farmer to build the smallest fence they possibly can to hold in all of his sheep.

The physicist builds a big fence and slowly reduces the size until he can't reduce the fence any longer.

The engineer measures each sheep, stacks them in a specific way, and then builds a fence around them.

The mathematician builds a small fence around himself, then defines himself to be outside the fence.

Since We're Doing Pirate Jokes. What Does Every Pirate Hate?

A small chest with no booty.

What's the difference between Bill Cosby and a small fencing sword?

One's a little rapier...

I know how to make a small fortune from gambling

start with a large fortune

My Girlfriend assured me that a small penis should never be an issue in a loving relationship..

But I still wish she didn't have one at all.

My ex-wife told all her friends I had a small penis...

...she was quite a bit shocked when they all disagreed.

An Englishman, a Frenchman, a Spaniard, and a German are watching a street performer.

The performer suddenly realizes that these men have a poor view so he gets on a small platform. "Can you all see me now?" He asks them.
"Yes"
"Oui"
"Sí"
"Ja"

My friends and I started a business where we weigh tiny items

It's a small scale operation

I was watching porn with my girlfriend and she complained, "This is so unrealistic."

I said, "Just because you're unwilling to try new things, doesn't mean everyone's that frigid."

"No it's not that," she exclaimed,
"It's just the plumbers that come to our house have really small dicks."

I've started a business crafting small figurines of Jesus.

I'm only making a little prophet.

How do you make a small fortune from investing in Bitcoin?

Start off by investing a large fortune in Bitcoin.

The librarian NSFW

A man walks into a library and says to the librarian, "do you have that book for men with small penises?" 

The librarian looks on her computer and says, "I don't know if it's in yet."


"Yeah that's the one"

My ex tried to embarrass me by telling her friends I have a small dick

She was startled to find out that they all disagreed

Why do asian girls have small boobs?

Because only A's are acceptable.

After sex a woman tells a man that she didn't like his performance, that his organ was to small.

He looks at her and says "I didn't know I would be playing in a cathedral".

My new thai girlfriend said "A small penis shouldn't be a problem in a loving relationship"

I still wish she didn't have one though.

If you have have a small green ball in one hand and another small green ball in the other, what do you have?

Kermit the Frog's full attention.

"I own a small allotment...", So far I'm the only person I've heard laugh at this joke.

I own a small allotment. Every night someone throws soil in on top of in. I've absolutely no idea why.

The plot thickens.

Sex after surgery

A surgeon went to check on his patient after an operation.
"You'll be fine," he said.
She asked ...
How long will it be before I am able to have a normal sex life again doctor?"
The surgeon seemed to pause, and a small tear ran down his cheek from the corner of his eye, which alarmed the girl.
"What's the matter Doctor? I will be all right, won't I?"
He replied ...
Yes, you'll be fine. It's just that no one has ever asked me that after having their tonsils out."

My girlfriend says that small penis isn't that big of a problem

But I still think that she shouldn't have one.

The boss of a small company has two employees, Jack and Jill…

Just recently the company has been doing badly, so the boss decides one of them must go.

Arriving at his office on Monday, the first person he sees is Jill, so he asks her to step into his office and explains his dilemma.

"Look Jill, I'm afraid I'm going to have to lay you or Jack off."

Jill replies, "You'll have to jack off then, 'cause I've got a headache."

My girlfriend says that having a small penis isn't an issue in our relationship..

I still wish she didn't have one though.

A mathematician is afraid of flying

A mathematician is afraid of flying due to the small risk of a terrorist attack. So, on every flight he takes a bomb with his hand luggage. "The probability of having a bomb on a plane is very low", he reason, "and the probability of having two bombs on the same plane is virtually zero."

A small joke...

A dwarf goes to a very good but very busy doctor and asks
"I know you are busy but do you treat dwarves?"

The doctor replies "Yes, but you will have to be a little patient".

A local movie theatre was robbed of $600 worth of merchandise

The suspects stole 3 medium popcorns, 1 bag of skittles and 4 small diet cokes.

A small boy...

was lost at a large shopping mall. He approached a uniformed policeman and said, "I've lost my grandpa"

The cop asked, "What's he like?"

The little boy replied, "Jack Daniels and women with big boobs."

My boyfriend is getting me a dildo cast from his own penis for Valentine's day...

We're only doing small gifts this year.

Female hormones in a beer

Yesterday, scientists in the United States revealed that beer contains small traces of female hormones.
To prove their theory, they fed one hundred men twelve pints of beer and observed that 100% of them started talking nonsense and couldn't drive.

Why did EA remove gender restrictions in The Sims 4?

They're just doing their small part, because EA loves micro trans actions.

Smaller babies are always delivered by stork...

but the heavier ones need to be delivered by **crane**.

8-year old Alex had a crush on his teacher, so he stayed behind in recess.

The teacher asked Alex if something was wrong, since he wasn't out with the others.

"It's because I'm in love with you, Alex told her.

"Well," the teacher replied - "What If I don't like small children?".

"Then...we'll just have to be careful, I guess".

A man is queuing at the five items or less checkout.

A man is queuing at the five items or less checkout. The girl in front of him turns around and looks at his basket. He has a four pack of Heineken and an Indian meal for one. She smiles at him. He looks in her basket and sees a small bottle of wine and a Chinese meal for one. He says to her "You're single aren't you?" She gives a girly giggle and says "yes, how did you know?" The man replies "cause you're an ugly cunt".

A man walks into a library ...

A man walks into a library and asks the librarian, "Do you have that new book for men with small penises?"


The librarian looks on her computer and says, "I don't know if it's in yet."

"Yeah that's the one!"

A man walks into a library...

A man walks into a library and says "Excuse me, miss, but do you have that book for men with small penises?"

The librarian goes to the computer, types a few things in, and says "I don't think it's in yet."

The man replies, "Yeah, that's the one..."

My wife told me that she isn't very happy with our sex life.

A small part of me disagrees.

Why does Ariel wear seashells?

Because B were too small and D were too large

Little Sally came home from school and with a smile on her face and told her mother, "Frank Brown showed me his willy today!"

Before the mother could respond, Sally went on to say, "It reminded me of a peanut."

Relaxing with a little smile, Sally's mother asked, "Really small was it?"

Sally replied, "No...salty."

If having a big car means you have a small dick and having big feet means you have a big dick

Then its no wonder people are afraid of clowns

Why is the number of black priests so small?

Most of them run away after being called father once or twice

My girlfriend says it's ok to have a small penis.

I still wish she didn't have one, though.

A man was admitted to the ER with 6 small plastic horses up his bum...

...doctors described his condition as "stable".

What is E.T. Short for?

Because he has small legs.

3 dinosaurs walk up to a shiny lamp

One of them rubs it, and a mystical blue genie flies out of it!

"Hello! I am genie! Since there are 3 of you, you each get 1 wish!

"I wish for a large piece of meat!" The first dinosaur said.

And so a large slab of meat materialized before his eyes and plopped down in front of him!

"I wish for a meat shower!" The second dinosaur said.

And so the genie made all different sorts of meats from different animals rain from a small cloud above the dinosaur's head.

Not wanting to be outdone by his friends the third dinosaur quickly tries to think of something better.

"I wish for a meatier shower!"

My cousin was hospitalized after shoving 28 small plastic horses in his rectum

Doctors described his condition as stable.

A quantum particle walks into two bars.

In one, he has a few drinks, becomes the life of the party, gets lucky and has a splendid time.

In the other he drinks too much, picks a fight with the wrong company and ends up beaten to half of his life.

The next day, he happens to meet an old buddy. After some very small talk, his friend asks

" hey, so what did you do last night?"

the particle, bruised and beaten shouts "DAMN IT MAN did you have to ask!!"

A man walks into a bar ...

He goes straight to the bar and asks the barmaid for a beer which she begins to pour, while he's waiting he notices their small food menu to the side:

Cheese Sandwich £5

Ham Sandwich £5

Handjob £5

In disbelief he looks up at the barmaid who is absolutely gorgeous and asks "Are you the one who gives the handjobs?", "Yep" she replies with a smile. He checks his wallet for the £5 and says, "Well wash your hands, I want a cheese sandwich."

My wife says that a small penis shouldn't matter in a loving relationship...

but I still wish she didn't have one.

A man sits down on a park bench...

and sitting next to him is a small boy eating chocolate bar after chocolate bar. The man turns to him and says, "It's probably not that healthy to eat so much chocolate." The boy stares at the man and eats another piece of chocolate. After swallowing, the boy says, "My grandfather lived to be 110 years old." The man asks, "How did he do that? Did he eat a lot of chocolate too?" The boy replies with, "No, he minded his own fucking business."

A Mexican goes to a Chinese restaurant...

He sits down at his table, and notices a small bottle of black liquid on his table. He picks it up and looks at the label and says, "yes, you are."

After sex, a girl once told me I had a small penis. She was cool, though. She never told any of her friends...

She never told anyone. Anything. Ever. Again.

Living with a small penis

Me to Librarian - Have you got a copy of the new title, Living with a small penis?

Librarian – I don't think it's in yet.

Me to Librarian - Yep that's the one.

I just bought some presents for my epileptic girlfriend's birthday

Just a few small gifts, nothing too flashy.

Two good friends go golfing

Two good friends go golfing and they come up on two women who are moving like molasses. One guy says that he'll go up and ask if they can play through. When he's half way to the women, he freezes, turns around and comes back pretty pale.
"Sorry man, I can't do it! One's my wife and the other my mistress!"

The other guy says he'll ask instead. Halfway to the women he suddenly stops turns around and comes back shaking his head. "Small world bro!"

I just came back from the eye doctor, he says I have kindergarden disease.

I asked her what that meant, she said that means I have really small pupils.

Why do mermaids wear seashells?

Because B shells are too small and D shells are too big.

This Halloween I decided to go as a harp. As I walked into the party, a gentleman asked, "what are you supposed to be?"

"A harp", I replied.
"No, no. You're much too small to be a harp" he protested.
So I asked, "are you calling me a lyre?"

Man: Hey sir! Could I interest you in a microscope?

Customer: No thanks, I'd have no use.
Man: Here is my business card in case you ever do!
Customer: I can't read this, it's too small!
Man: Boy have I got the product for you!

A black hole and a nebula go out to lunch...

A black hole and a nebula are at a restaurant. The nebula orders a ginormous amount of food and the black hole only orders a drink and a small appetizer.
The nebula says the the black hole, "Are you sure you don't want more?"
The black hole replies, "Nah, I eat light"

What's the smallest organ in a goat?

An ISIS members' dick.

What's worse than having a small penis?

Nothing. Sorry if you clicked on this to make yourself feel better.

Guy walks into library and asks the librarian...

"do you have the book for men with a small penis?"

She replies "I don't know if it's in yet"

"yeah, that's the one "

What are the funniest small jokes of all time?

Did you ever wanted to stand out with a good sense of humour joking about Small? Well, here are the best Small puns to laugh out loud. Crazy and funny Small pick up lines to share with friends.

Joko Jokes