Delightful Fun Small Jokes for a Roaring Good Time
When Trump borrows $1,000,000 from his dad it's a small loan
But when he donates that much money to Texas, it's a yuuuge contribution
My best friend got mad at me because he caught me sniffing his sister's p**...
It didn't help that she was still wearing them.
Or that his whole family was there.
That made the rest of his sister's f**... kind of awkward.
And who thought you could make the f**... for such a small child more awkward than it already was..
"I own a small allotment...", So far I'm the only person I've heard laugh at this joke.
I own a small allotment. Every night someone throws soil in on top of in. I've absolutely no idea why.
The plot thickens.
s**... after surgery
A surgeon went to check on his patient after an operation.
"You'll be fine," he said.
She asked ...
How long will it be before I am able to have a normal s**... life again doctor?"
The surgeon seemed to pause, and a small tear ran down his cheek from the corner of his eye, which alarmed the girl.
"What's the matter Doctor? I will be all right, won't I?"
He replied ...
Yes, you'll be fine. It's just that no one has ever asked me that after having their tonsils out."
If you have have a small green ball in one hand and another small green ball in the other, what do you have?
Kermit the Frog's full attention.
I've started a business crafting small figurines of Jesus.
I'm only making a little prophet.
Since We're Doing Pirate Jokes. What Does Every Pirate Hate?
A small chest with no b**....
A dwarf goes to a very good but very busy doctor and asks
A dwarf that loves to joke goes to a very good but very busy doctor and asks.
I know you are busy but do you treat dwarves?
The doctor replies "Yes, but you will have to be a little patient".
A Mexican goes to a Chinese restaurant...
He sits down at his table, and notices a small bottle of black liquid on his table. He picks it up and looks at the label and says, "yes, you are."
Trumpets and Guns
In a small town, a man just opened a small store selling trumpets and guns.
One day his neighbor pays him a visit and says, "So how is your strange business going?"
"What do you mean strange?"
"Because you sell only trumpets and guns!"
"So?"
"Well, let me put it this way, what do you sell the most, trumpets or guns?"
"It evens itself out. Each time a customer buys a trumpet, one of his neighbors buys a gun."
Small Head
A man with a very small head walks into a bar, and the bartender asks, "Why is your head so small?"
He replies, "I was stuck on this island and there was nothing but beautiful women there who had never seen a man before. So I had s**... with all of them. Their leader, who was the most beautiful of all, had the power to grant anybody one wish, so I asked her to have s**... with me. She said she would grant me anything but that, so I said, "Would a little head be out of the question?"
You can explore small oversized reddit one liners, including funnies and gags. Read them and you will understand what jokes are funny? Those of you who have teens can tell them clean small insignificant dad jokes. There are also small puns for kids, 5 year olds, boys and girls.
A black hole and a nebula go out to lunch...
A black hole and a nebula are at a restaurant. The nebula orders a ginormous amount of food and the black hole only orders a drink and a small appetizer.
The nebula says the the black hole, "Are you sure you don't want more?"
The black hole replies, "Nah, I eat light"
A local movie theatre was robbed of $600 worth of merchandise
The suspects stole 3 medium popcorns, 1 bag of skittles and 4 small diet cokes.
Why is the number of black priests so small?
Most of them run away after being called father once or twice
Why do mermaids wear seashells?
Because B shells are too small and D shells are too big.
Why did EA remove gender restrictions in The Sims 4?
They're just doing their small part, because EA loves micro trans actions.
My wife told me that she isn't very happy with our s**... life.
A small part of me disagrees.
8-year old Alex had a crush on his teacher, so he stayed behind in recess.
The teacher asked Alex if something was wrong, since he wasn't out with the others.
"It's because I'm in love with you, Alex told her.
"Well," the teacher replied - "What If I don't like small children?".
"Then...we'll just have to be careful, I guess".
After s**... a woman tells a man that she didn't like his performance, that his o**... was to small.
He looks at her and says "I didn't know I would be playing in a cathedral".
I just bought some presents for my epileptic girlfriend's birthday
Just a few small gifts, nothing too flashy.
A mathematician is afraid of flying
A mathematician is afraid of flying due to the small risk of a t**... attack. So, on every flight he takes a bomb with his hand luggage. "The probability of having a bomb on a plane is very low", he reason, "and the probability of having two bombs on the same plane is virtually zero."
A man walks into a library...
A man walks into a library and says "Excuse me, miss, but do you have that book for men with small p**...?"
The librarian goes to the computer, types a few things in, and says "I don't think it's in yet."
The man replies, "Yeah, that's the one..."
A physicist, engineer, and mathematician are asked by a local farmer to build the smallest fence they possibly can to hold in all of his sheep.
The physicist builds a big fence and slowly reduces the size until he can't reduce the fence any longer.
The engineer measures each sheep, stacks them in a specific way, and then builds a fence around them.
The mathematician builds a small fence around himself, then defines himself to be outside the fence.
Smaller babies are always delivered by stork...
but the heavier ones need to be delivered by **crane**.
My friends and I started a business where we weigh tiny items
It's a small scale operation
The boss of a small company has two employees, Jack and Jill…
Just recently the company has been doing badly, so the boss decides one of them must go.
Arriving at his office on Monday, the first person he sees is Jill, so he asks her to step into his office and explains his dilemma.
"Look Jill, I'm afraid I'm going to have to lay you or j**...."
Jill replies, "You'll have to j**... then, 'cause I've got a headache."
I know how to make a small fortune from gambling
start with a large fortune
Female hormones in a beer
Yesterday, scientists in the United States revealed that beer contains small traces of female hormones.
To prove their theory, they fed one hundred men twelve pints of beer and observed that 100% of them started talking nonsense and couldn't drive.
An Englishman, a Frenchman, a Spaniard, and a German are watching a street performer.
The performer suddenly realizes that these men have a poor view so he gets on a small platform. "Can you all see me now?" He asks them.
"Yes"
"Oui"
"Sí"
"Ja"
What's the difference between Bill Cosby and a small fencing sword?
One's a little rapier...
I have a T-Rex who sells me guns.
He's a small arms dealer.
How do you make a small fortune from investing in Bitcoin?
Start off by investing a large fortune in Bitcoin.
A guy walks into a library and asks the librarian, "do you have that book for men with small p**...?"
The librarian looks on her computer and says, "I don't know if it's in yet."
The man replies, "Yeah that's the one."
Right before surgery the surgeon says: "Relax, Jim. It's just a small scalpel incision. No reason to panic."
The patient replies: "But, Doctor, my name is not Jim." The surgeon says: "I know. I'm Jim."
I need to re-home a dog.
It's a small terrier, and tends to bark a lot. If you're interested, let me know and I'll jump over next door's fence and get it for you.
What is E.T. Short for?
Because he has small legs.
Why does Ariel wear seashells?
Because B were too small and D were too large
I just came back from the eye doctor, he says I have kindergarden disease.
I asked her what that meant, she said that means I have really small pupils.
I buy my guns from a guy named T-Rex
He's a small arms dealer.
Two good friends go golfing
Two good friends go golfing and they come up on two women who are moving like molasses. o**... says that he'll go up and ask if they can play through. When he's half way to the women, he freezes, turns around and comes back pretty pale.
"Sorry man, I can't do it! One's my wife and the other my mistress!"
The other guy says he'll ask instead. Halfway to the women he suddenly stops turns around and comes back shaking his head. "Small world bro!"
3 dinosaurs walk up to a shiny lamp
One of them rubs it, and a mystical blue genie flies out of it!
"Hello! I am genie! Since there are 3 of you, you each get 1 wish!
"I wish for a large piece of meat!" The first dinosaur said.
And so a large slab of meat materialized before his eyes and plopped down in front of him!
"I wish for a meat shower!" The second dinosaur said.
And so the genie made all different sorts of meats from different animals rain from a small cloud above the dinosaur's head.
Not wanting to be outdone by his friends the third dinosaur quickly tries to think of something better.
"I wish for a meatier shower!"
Whats you father's occupation?
Asked the school secretary, filling in the forms at the start of the academic year. "He's a magician," said the small boy. "How interesting! What's his favorite trick? "Sawing people in half." "Really? Now, next question. Any brothers or sisters?' "Yes, one half brother and two half-sisters."
So I asked my girlfriend what she would want for her birthday next week
She said: "Well, I dreamt of a golden ring with lots of small diamonds."
I asked her: "What do you think it means?"
She smiled and said: "I don't know..."
Flash forward to her birthday, with all our family members at the table, I gave her my present.
I still don't know why she didn't like this book called 'Dreams and their Meanings'.
A man walks into a library and says to the librarian, "Do you have that book for men with small p**...?"
The librarian looks on her computer and says, "I don't know if it's in yet."
"Yeah, that's the one!"
A small joke I remembered
Boss: if I find you sleeping on the job one more time, you're fired!
Employee: sorry boss
Boss: ok, now go and do the sheep inventory
Employee: oh no
U.S. Navy destroyer stops four Mexicans rowing towards Texas. The Captain gets on the loud-hailer and shouts:
Ahoy, small craft. Where are you headed?"
One of the Mexicans puts down his oar, stands up, and shouts, "g**..., we are invading the United States of
America to reclaim the territory taken by the USA during the 1800's."
The entire crew on the destroyer doubles over in laughter.
When the Captain finally catches his breath, he gets back on the loud-hailer and asks, "Just the four of you?"
The same Mexican stands up again and shouts, "No, we're the last 4. The other 20 million are already there.
Ivanka Trump is walking a dog outside the White House...
A Secret Service agent sees her and says "Good Morning, Ma'am."
"Good morning." She replies.
"That's a very cute dog, ma'am." the agent says trying to make polite small talk.
"Oh, thank you. I got it for the President." She replies with a smile.
"Excellent trade, Ma'am."
Change for a $15 bill
An incompentent counterfeiter spent all day making his funny money. At the end of the day he realizes he spent all his time making $15 bills.
He figures that the only way he's going to get anything from this batch of money, is to find a place where the people aren't too bright and change his phoney money for real cash.
He travels to a small town and walks into a small Mom and Pop grocery store. He goes to the old man behind the counter and asks him, "Do you have change for a $15 bill?"
The old man replies, "I sure do...How would you like that? An eight and a seven or two sixes and a three?"
Two pieces of Road walk into a bar
They order two large beers and talk loudly, they are the toughest pieces of road in the building.
15 minutes later, a small piece of pavement walks through and asks for a small orange juice. When the roads see him, they move into the corner and stay quiet.
The bartender notices this and goes over to them and says I thought you two were the toughest they come, why are you scared of that small, quiet guy? They respond with:
You should be careful with him, He's a Cycle Path
Small, skinny man is sitting in a pub...
There is a beer in front of him. A macho, muscular man enters the pub, taps him on the shoulder and drinks his beer! The skinny man starts crying. The big man:
\- Oh, stop crying, baby. That's just one beer...
The small man:
\- Okay, listen! Today my wife left me, my bank account is empty, my house is empty! I even got fired from my job. I didn't want to live anymore, so i tried to kill myself. I lay down on the rails - they changed the train route! i tried to hang myself - the rope broke! I tried to shoot myself - the gun broke! And now, i'm buying a beer with my last money, i'm pouring poison inside and you're drinking it!
So there's this one kid at a costume party and the host ask what he was dressed up as. The kid told him that he dressed up as a harp, and the host told him that his costume is too small to be a harp.
The kid then said, "Are you calling me a lyre?"
Two Texans are sitting in a small town bar, where one bragged to the other: "You know, I had me every woman in this town, except my mother and my sister."
"Well," his buddy replied, "between you and me we got 'em all."
Two men are playing golf when one realises he's left his jacket at the last tee
He goes back to get it, stops halfway and turns back.
"What's up?" asks his mate.
"Well, you see those two women at the tee. One's my wife, and she's playing with my mistress."
His mate laughs and says, "No worries, I'll go get it for you."
He stops halfway, comes back, looks at his mate and says "Small world."
I bought a wig for a dollar today
It was a small price toupee.
An Alabama couple with 9 children went to see the doctor about getting the husband "fixed".
The doctor started the procedure and making small talk, asks them "Why, after having 9 children have you decided not to have any more?".
The husband replied, "We just read an article that said 1 in 10 American children born in the United States is Mexican".
The wife continued, "We didn't want to take the chance of having a Mexican baby, since neither of us can speak Spanish".
I found a used football in a second hand store...
I picked it up and took it to the counter.
"How much is this?" I asked
"That'll be $5" said the owner. "Would you like me to pump it up for you?"
"Of course, thanks a lot!" I replied.
So, he got a small pump from under the counter and in a few seconds the ball was as good as new.
"Ok, all done" he said. "That'll be $10 please".
"$10!!!??!!" I replied. "But you said $5 just now".
He looked up and said "Sorry. Inflation".
A blonde woman is speeding down an empty road when she's pulled over by a blonde cop. The cop walks up to her window and asks for her driver's license.
Driver's license? the blonde driver asks, somewhat confused.
You know, the little rectangle with your face on it that you keep in your purse, the blonde cop explains patiently.
Oh, that! the blonde driver exclaims. She digs around in her purse and finally pulls out a small rectangular mirror, which she hands to the blonde cop.
The blonde cop looks at the mirror and exclaims, Oh, I'm sorry, ma'am, you're free to go…I didn't realize you were a cop!
Two men are playing golf when one realizes he's left his jacket at the last tee
He goes back to get it, stops halfway and turns back.
"What's up?" asks his mate.
"Well, you see those two women at the tee. One's my wife, and she's playing with my mistress."
His mate laughs and says, "No worries, I'll go get it for you."
He stops halfway, comes back, looks at his mate and says "Small world."
A couple of years ago, I was staying at a tiny Spanish Inn
A couple of years ago, I was staying at a tiny Spanish Inn when I started to feel ill. Needing a doctor, I rang reception who said they'd get the hotel doctor to visit. I was rather surprised that such a small place would have a house doctor, and was just telling the manager this when my room door burst open and in leapt a man yelling "Nobody expects the Spanish Inn physician!"
Sadly that shop didn't have any small shiny discs either.
Sorry , said the cashier, we don't have any in stock.
A lady went into an embroidery shop to buy some fancy beads for her dress.
So she tried another shop down the road.
Like this joke, the shops were all out of sequins.
A prisoner spent a month digging an escape tunnel and finally came out in the playground of a preschool.
He jumped around with excitement yelling "I'm free, I'm free". A small girl looked up at him and said, "Big b**... deal, I'm four".
A man goes to ask the great guru, "Which is better, large b**... or small b**...?"
The great guru asks him "How much money do you have in bills in your wallet?"
The man quickly counts the money. "Thirty dollars."
"And if you had thirty dollars in coins," said the guru, "which would have the greater mass- the coins or the bills?"
"The coins of course."
"But which would have the greater value?"
At this moment, the man was enlightened.
What do you call a small wound?
A shortcut.
If a psychic dwarf is evading the police...
Does that make him a small medium at large?
Some people think that wigs are expensive.
But really it's just a small price toupee..
A guy walks into a bar, and orders a round. He hears a small voice say..
"You look nice today."
A few minutes later, it's that voice again, "That's a nice shirt."
The guy asks the bartender, "Who is that?"
Says the bartender, "It's the peanuts. They're complimentary!"
There are two kinds of people who care a lot about their exact age.
Small children and 39 year old's.
Is my wife dissatisfied with my body?
A small part of me says Yes
What is the fastest way to get a small fortune?
Start with a large one
Elon Musk lands on Mars and steps out of his spaceship
"It's a small step for a man, but a giant leap for mankind," says ground control officer and cuts off all communications.
I bet you $20 that you won't be able to push the same thing back in my wheelbarrow.
Two workers - one big and strong, the other small and weak - are on a building site.
The small chap says "I bet you $20 that I can push something to the end of the yard in my wheelbarrow and you won't be able to push the same thing back."
"You're on," says the big guy.
"Righto," says the small fellow, "Jump in."
A blonde girl walks into a gym and sees a guy.
The guy takes off his shirt she says, "Oh what chest!"
"That's 100 lbs of dynamite, baby."
Then he takes off his pants she says, "Oh what legs!''
He says, "That 100 lbs of dynamite, baby."
After that, he took off his underwear. The blonde girl starts running he catches her and says, "Why were you running?"
She said I didn't wanna be in there once I've seen how small the fuse was."
Elon Musk lands on Mars and steps out of his spaceship
### "It's a small step for a man, but a giant leap for mankind," says the ground control officer and cuts off all communications.
j**...'s is naming a pizza after Andrew Tate
The small sausage
Arnold Schwarzenegger has a big one. Michael J. Fox has a small one. Madonna doesn't have one. The Pope has one but never uses. Donald Trump has one and uses it. What is it?
A surname/last name
What do you call a small digit?
A migit.
I have a very small pet lizard called Tiny
**I call him that because he is My-Newt**
I once made a small boat out of a large bell.
It was a little dingy
What has 182 teeth and holds a small worm?
My zipper
A group of passengers are riding the bus to work…
Suddenly, the engine splutters and the bus grinds to a halt at the side of the road. The driver gets out, opens the engine compartment, and peers inside, cursing and swearing.
After a while the passengers get restless. A woman pulls a small toolkit out of her purse, gets up and goes outside, and sees the driver frantically trying to reattach a loose electrical cable with his fingers.
Would you like a screwdriver, she asks.
I'd love one, he replies, but we're ten minutes late already !
An offensive joke
A quarterback, a running back, a fullback, a wide receiver, a tight end, a left tackle, a left guard, a center, a right tackle, a right guard, a striker, an attacking midfielder, a left wing skater, a center, a right wing skater, a point guard, a shooting guard, a small forward and a designated hitter all walk into a bar
A man goes to Spain on vacation
While he's there he goes to a restaurant and the waiter gives him an additional side dish along with his meal
The man loves the side dish and when he asks the waiter what it is, he says "A bull died in a bull wrestling show and these were its testicles"
The next day the man asks for the same side dish but notices that its tiny compared to the ones yesterday
He asks the waiter why they're so small and the waiter says "Sometimes the bull wins"
Why do French people eat small breakfasts
One egg is an oeuf
