Small Amounts Jokes

32 small amounts jokes and hilarious small amounts puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about small amounts that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.

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Funniest Small Amounts Short Jokes

Short small amounts jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The small amounts humour may include short little thing jokes also.

  1. After years of digging, a gold prospector finally found a small amount of a precious metal It was a miner success.
  2. What do you call it when 2 starving people fight over a small amount of food? MORSEL KOMBAT!
  3. What do you call the small amount of time between when you slip on a peel and when you hit the pavement? A bananosecond
  4. I've just been diagnosed with a rare form of amnesia where I can't remember a small amount of 80's music bands. Unfortunately there is no cure.
  5. A contest in South Korea awarded a small amount of money for a large item of food... A one ton wonton won ten won.
  6. TIL that vaccines contain a small amount of mercury, a chemical component that leads to autism. -Idiotic Soccer Mom, 2k16
  7. Did you hear about the beautiful strangler? He was breathtaking.

    a small amount of cred to another post i read on this sub today.
  8. If everyone contributes a small amount of their income... Together we can pool the resources to defeat socialism.
  9. In the Vietnam war, American soldiers would eat small amounts of C4 plastic to get high Does this explosive make you high? C4 yourself
  10. My guests were complaining about the small amount of tea I served them... I just told them "quali-tea over quanti-tea"

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Small Amounts One Liners

Which small amounts one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with small amounts? I can suggest the ones about small buck and large sums.

  1. .I was asked why I had small amounts of drugs taped to my upper lip . I said it's mustash
  2. Death is caused by swallowing small amounts of saliva for a lung period of time.
  3. My wife doesn't trust me with small amounts of money... No change there then.
  4. What do you call a light novel that takes up a small amount of storage? High_School.txt

Rib-Tickling Small Amounts Jokes that Bring Friends Together

What funny jokes about small amounts you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean small people jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make small amounts pranks.

A black hole and a nebula go out to lunch...

A black hole and a nebula are at a restaurant. The nebula orders a ginormous amount of food and the black hole only orders a drink and a small appetizer.
The nebula says the the black hole, "Are you sure you don't want more?"
The black hole replies, "Nah, I eat light"

"Hey Joe, I heard your mother-in-law died!"

"Well yes, that's true, Bob."
"What'd she have?"
"Just a small amount of money and a lot of old books"
"No, I mean, what was wrong?"
"Well, she hadn't written her will and testament yet."
"Not that! I mean, how'd she die?
"Ooh... Well, we were having dinner at her place, she went to the basement to get some potatoes, she fell down, and she broke her neck."
"Ouch. And what did you do when that happened?"
"We got pizzas."

How do you guys feel about that popular country singer's new diet, it allows very very small amounts of carbs.

It's called the Trace Atkins diet.

How do you kill lots of Anzacs in a small amount of time?

By telling them to get out of the trench

Trump cuts a deal after impeachment

He gives up his fortune, is not allowed to work or invest in any industry that he was previously in, and only has a very minimal amount of money to get himself started.
Everybody thought he would end up under a bridge or jumping off a bridge in no time, but love him or hate him, he is one stubborn, determined s**....
He opens up a small business, something he never even imagined all these years ago, but thinks he can still apply his core values to, bungee jumping.
The day comes he is ready to open, so he brings his sign out the front. Bungee jumping: Adults $400, Children $300. Black's and Mexicans: free, no strings attached.

Saliva Causes Cancer.

But only when swallowed in small amounts over a long period of time.

A man sees a lemonade stand

A man sees a lemonade stand run by a small girl. He notices that 1 glass of lemonade is $1 and that 3 glasses are $5. The man explains to the girl that buying 3 glasses for $5 is more expensive than buying 3 glasses for $1 each. The girl disagrees and says that it costs less to buy 3 glasses for $5. He tries to explain once again, but the girl still says that buying 3 glasses for $5 is cheaper. Frustrated, the man buys 3 glasses of lemonade for $5 and 3 glasses of lemonade each for $1. He shows the girl that he bought the same amount of lemonade for $3 instead of $5 and states that the girl is wrong. The girl then replies, "I may be wrong, but you're the one who just bought 6 glasses of my lemonade!"

A Priest, a Minister and a Rabbi...

are called to the hospice of a terminal millionaire. The millionaire gives each of them $100,000 with the instructions that when he dies he wants them all to bury him with the money. A few weeks later he dies and the Priest, Minster, and Rabbi all throw an envelope into his casket. After the f**..., the Priest asks the minster if he threw the whole amount into the casket.
"No, I didn't," the minister says, "I took $10,000 dollars to provide for the congregation. I'm sure he'll understand. What about you?"
"No, I took $15,000," The Priest replied, "I have to provide for my small congregation and have many bills to pay. I'm sure he'll rest easy knowing the money has been put to good use." The Priest and the Minister look over at the Rabbi and ask him the same question.
"Of course I did," said the Rabbi, "I wrote him a check"

Trial in a small town.

In a trial, a southern small town prosecuting attorney called his first witness to the stand - a grandmotherly, elderly woman.
He approached her and asked "Mrs. Jones, do you know me?" She responded "why, yes I do know you, Mr. Williams. I've known you since you were a young boy, and frankly, you've been a big disappointment to me." She continued "You lie, you cheat on your wife, you manipulate people and talk about them behind their backs. You think you're a big shot when you haven't the brains to realize you never will amount to anything more than a two-bit paper pusher. Yes, I know you."
The lawyer was stunned. Not knowing what else to do, he pointed across the room and asked "Mrs. Jones, do you know the defense attorney?"
She again replied "why yes, I do. I've known Mr. Bradley since he was a youngster, too. He's lazy, bigoted, and he has a drinking problem. He can't build a normal relationship with anyone and his law practice is one of the worst in the entire state. Not to mention he cheated on his wife with three different women. Yes, I know him."
At this point, the judge brought the courtroom to silence, called both counsellors to the bench, and in a very quiet voice, said "If either of you b**... asks her if she knows me, you'll be jailed for contempt."

Grandmas and lawyers

Lawyers should never ask grandmas a question if they aren't prepared for the answer!
In a trial, a small-town prosecuting attorney called his first witness, an elderly grandmother to the stand.
He approached her and asked; "Mrs. Jones, do you know me?"
She responded, "Why, yes, I do know you, Mr. Williams. I've known you since you were a young boy, and frankly, you're a big disappointment to me.. You lie, cheat on your wife, manipulate people and talk about them behind their backs. You think you're a big shot when you haven't the brains to realize you never will amount to anything more than a two-bit paper pusher. Yes, I know you.."
The lawyer was stunned! Not knowing what else to do, he pointed across the room and asked, "Mrs. Jones, do you know the defense attorney (the opponent's lawyer)?"
She again replied, "Why, yes, I do. I've known Mr. Bradley since he was a youngster. He's lazy, bigoted, and has a drinking problem. He can't build a normal relationship with anyone and his law practice is one of the worst in the state. Not to mention he cheated on his wife with three different women. One of them was your wife. ..Yes I know him."
The defense attorney almost died.The judge asked both lawyers to approach the bench and in a quiet voice said: "If either of you rascals asks her if she knows me, I'll send you to jail for contempt of court !!!"

Rent for the apartment!

A proper English Gentleman met a beautiful girl and agreed to spend the night with her for $500.
So they did. Before he left, he told her that he did not have any cash with him, but that he would have his secretary write a check and mail it to her, calling the payment "RENT FOR APARTMENT."
On the way to the office he regretted what he had done, realizing that the whole event was not worth the price. So he had his secretary send a check for $250 and enclosed the following note:-

Dear Madam,
Enclosed find check in the amount of $250 for rent of your apartment. I am
not sending the amount agreed upon, because when I rented the apartment, I was under the impression that:
1) it had never been occupied;
2) that there was plenty of heat;
3) that is was small enough to make me cozy and at home.
Last night, however, I found out that it had been previously occupied, that there wasn't any heat, and that it was entirely too large.

Upon receipt of the note, the girl immediately returned the check for $250.00 with the following note:

Dear Sir:
First of all, I cannot understand how you expect a beautiful apartment to remain unoccupied indefinitely.
As for the heat, there is plenty of it, if you know how to turn it on.
Regarding the space, the apartment is indeed of regular size, but if you don't have enough furniture to fill it, please do not blame the landlady.

Location Location Location!

A man goes to the famous Lucas Carton restaurant in Paris with his girlfriend and orders the 1928 Mouton.
The waiter returns with a bottle full of wine, pours a small amount in the glass for tasting.
The customer picks up the glass, smells the wine, and puts it down on the table with a thud. "This is not the 1928 Mouton."
The waiter assures him it is, and soon there are another twenty people surrounding the table, including the chef and the manager trying to convince the man that the wine is the 1928 Mouton.
Finally someone asks him how he knows that it is not the 1928 Mouton.
"My name is Phillipe de Rothschild, and I make the wine."
Finally, the original waiter steps forward and admits that he poured the Clerc Milon 1928. "I could not bear to part with our last bottle of 1928 Mouton. You know Clerc Milon, it is in the same village as Mouton, you pick the grapes at the same time, the same cepage, you crush in the same way, you put them into similar barrels. You bottle at the same time, you even use eggs from the same chickens to fine them. The wines are the same, except for a small matter of geographic location."
Rothschild beckons the waiter forward, and whispers to him, "When you return home tonight, ask your girlfriend to remove her underwear. Put one finger in one opening, another finger in the other, then smell both the fingers. You will understand what difference a small distance in geographic location makes"

So, Alex had two parrots named Bob and Jim.

Alex was an older gentlemen, retired and fairly religious with lots of time on his hands. He figured it'd be fun to pass his time teaching the parrots to pray the rosary.
Alex went to his church, got a two small sets of rosary beads, gave them to Bob and Jim and got to work. After months of patience and no small amount of personal spiritual meditation, Bob and Jim could work the beads and recite all the prayers of the rosary.
Now, Alex wasn't *that* religious, which is why the first place he took Bob and Jim was the bar to show his friends, but sure enough one thing lead to another, and soon Alex found himself going from church to church across the country introducing folks to his praying parrots.
Alex was having the time of his life! He was so pleased with his adventures that he decided to teach more birds to pray. He went shopping, and found the most beautiful, brightly colored female parrot he'd ever seen. No sooner did he bring the new parrot in the door did he hear Bob say "Hey Jim! Throw out them d**...' beads! We finally got what we was prayin' for!"

A priest and a math teacher...

die and go to heaven at the same time. St. Peter greets them at the pearly gates, and then shows them to their accommodations. He brings the math teacher to a luxurious mansion, with a hedge maze, marble columns, and a fountain. The priest thinks to himself, "If the math teacher gets this, imagine what I might get!" So he follows St. Peter past a row of large houses, a row of suburban houses, a row of small houses, a row of houses for rent, a row of apartment complexes, and all the way to a row of tree-houses. St. Peter shows the priest to a small tree-house. The priest is baffled, and says, "WHAT!? The math teacher got a MANSION!"
St. Peter replies, "We grant houses based on the amount of people you get to pray, and the math teacher got more people to pray then you ever did."