Slowly Jokes
99 slowly jokes and hilarious slowly puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about slowly that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.
Do you need a good laugh? Check out this article for some walking-slowly-inspired jokes about the need to progress cautiously and carefully in life! Find out why it pays to take your time and see the world from a different perspective.
Funniest Slowly Short Jokes
Short slowly jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The slowly humour may include short softly jokes also.
- I told my new girlfriend that my mother is deaf... So she would have to speak loudly and slowly.
I told my mother that my new girl friend is disabled. Now we wait. - What do liquid Draino and a Dutch stripper have in common? They both slowly remove clogs.
I'll see myself out... Hey, at least it was original.
Thanks for the gold ! - At the airport today a man fainted and slumped over onto the luggage carousel. He slowly came around.
- My friend just came to me all depressed because his kid's failing 3rd grade, and he doesn't know how to break it to him. Apparently slowly wasn't the advice he was looking for.
- When cats are sad... Bartender: "What can I get you?"
Cat: "Shot of tequilla."
*Bartender pours it.*
*Cat slowly pushes it off the bar.*
Cat: "I'll have another." - I was sailing my boat when a massive hand rose out of the water and then slowly disappeared. I thought, "Thats the biggest wave I've ever seen."
- I wanted to be a better computer programmer so I decided to slowly improve my binary skills You could say I improved bit by bit
- Studies have shown that half of the people in this country are slowly going crazy. The rest of us are doing it quicker.
- When a wife keeps her head on your chest and slowly asks "Dear, do have any woman in your life other than me"?
Remember answer is not important at this time..Important is heartbeats. - Drinking alcohol slowly turned me into an emotional mess. So I started drinking it faster.
Share These Slowly Jokes With Friends
Slowly One Liners
Which slowly one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with slowly? I can suggest the ones about slow people and gently.
- Batman: *buys catwoman a drink* Catwoman: *slowly knocks it off of the table*
- I have a fear of speed bumps But I am slowly getting over it
- What do you call a caveman who likes to walk slowly all the time. A Meanderthal
- Simba was moving too slowly So i told him to Mufasa
- Alpha Kenny body joke Say “Alpha Kenny body” ten times slowly !
- If you say "gullible" slowly it sounds just like "orange"
- A man walks into a bar... And slowly alcoholism tears apart his family
- Darwin wasn't always an evolutionist. He slowly became one over time.
- What do you call 6,000 soldiers slowly eating cheese? Legion, wait for it, dairy.
- If mornings go quickly, and afternoons go slowly, where do the nights go? To Camelot!
- What did Simba say to his dad when he was walking slowly? Mufasa
- I'm slowly turning into a cat. Don't ask meow?
- What do you call a computer that does math really slowly? A calc you later.
- "My fat friend died on a set of moving stairs," said my wife. That escalated slowly
- ISIS is slowly becoming WasWas
Walking Slowly Jokes
Here is a list of funny walking slowly jokes and even better walking slowly puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- What did Clint Eastwood say before firing up the ceramic bowl he made in pottery class? Go ahead, bake my clay.
*walks away slowly*
Happy Slowly Jokes for a Lighthearted Night with Friends
What funny jokes about slowly you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean calmly jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make slowly pranks.
At this time of the year....
....there's nothing I love more than sitting in front of a warm fire, mulled wine in hand, and singing Christmas songs until I slowly fall asleep.
And that's why I'm no longer a fireman...
Half full, Half empty.
Now you might think that the glass is half full, and you might think that the glass is half empty, but engineers know that the glass is actually two times larger than it needs to be.
Politicians, on the other hand, have assured me that the glass would be more empty if the opposition were in charge,
While surrealists think that the glass is half of a slowly rotting lemon.
Physicists happen to know that you can never know how much water is in the glass because just by measuring it you've changed the outcome.
Neutralists decline to comment.
Bad News
Deep within a forest, a little turtle began to climb a tree. After hours of effort, he reached the top, jumped into the air waving his front legs and crashed to the ground. After recovering, he slowly climbed the tree again, jumped, and fell to the ground. The turtle tried again and again, while a couple of birds sitting on a branch watched his sad efforts. Finally, the female bird turned to her mate. "Dear," she chirped, "I think it's time to tell him he's adopted."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
I've been slowly torturing a centipede for the last 98 days..
It's on it's last legs now
Re-post but one of my all time favorites (somewhat altered)
One day a father and his two daughters, Petal and Fridge, were having a picnic. Petal curiously asks her father; "Daddy, why is my name Petal?" to which he replies; "Well honey on the day you were born a petal from a beautiful flower slowly fell through the air and landed right on your forehead. Your mother and I thought the name fit you perfectly." Then Fridge asks; "BRAW WAW AAWWW OOWWW AHH AAWA?"
After the resurrection, Jesus was hanging out with Peter, fishing.......
Jesus says, "I feel like performing a miracle. What should I do?"
Peter says, "How about the walking-on-water gig?"
Jesus agrees, steps out of the boat, and slowly starts sinking as he walks around.
Peter helps him back into the boat and asks, "Why didn't it work this time?"
Jesus replies, "I'm not sure, maybe it's the holes in my feet."
Grandpa's Rocking Chair
A man came to visit his grandparents, and he noticed his grandfather sitting on the porch in the rocking chair wearing only a shirt, with nothing on from the waist down.
'Grandpa, what are you doing? Your goober is out in the wind for everyone to see!' he exclaimed.
The old man slowly looked at him and said,
'Well....last week I sat out here with no shirt on and I got a stiff neck. This is your grandma's idea.'
2 hearses.
One fall day Dave was out raking leaves when he noticed a hearse slowly drive by. Following the first hearse was a second hearse, which was followed by a man walking solemnly along, followed by a dog, and then about 200 men walking in single file. Intrigued, Dave went up to the man following the second hearse and asked him who was in the first hearse. "My wife," the man replied. "I'm sorry," said Dave. "What happened to her?" "My dog bit her and she died." Dave then asked who was in the second hearse. The man replied, "My mother-in-law. My dog bit her and she died as well." "Can I borrow your dog?" "Get in line." replied the man.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
National Poetry Contest - Timbuktu
For the record, this is not my joke. I heard somebody tell it then found it online.
" The National Poetry Contest had come down to two semifinalists: a Yale graduate and a r**... from Wyoming. They were given a word, then allowed two minutes to study the word and come up with a poem that contained the word. The word they were given was "Timbuktu".
First to recite his poem was the Yale graduate. He stepped to the microphone and said:
Slowly across the desert sand
Trekked a lonely caravan.
Men on camels, two by two
Destination---Timbuktu.
The crowd went crazy! No way could the r**... top that, they thought. The r**... calmly made his way to the microphone and recited:
Me and Tim a-huntin went,
Met three w**... in a pop up tent.
They was three, and we was two,
So I bucked one, and Timbuktu.
The r**... won hands down!
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Two old guys are sitting at a table in the nursing home, when a totally n**... old lady with a walker streaks slowly past them
o**... says to the other, " I can't see so well anymore. What was that?"
The other guy says, "I'm not sure, but it definitely needed ironing."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Clinton on the Titanic
Reagan, Nixon and Clinton are on the Titanic.
The ship hits the iceberg and sinks slowly.
Everybody starts screaming, panicking, etc.
Reagan shouts: "Women and children first."
Nixon goes: "Screw the women!"
Clinton replies: "Do you think we have time!?"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
no idea!
I told my boyfriend that my mom is old so she
needs to speak slowly and loud. Then I told
my mom my boyfriend is r**.... They have
no idea!
This has been seen before, but this is my favorite version.
I rear- ended a car this morning. So, there we were alongside the road and slowly the other driver got out of his car.
You know how sometimes you just get soooo stressed and little things just seem funny? Well, i couldnt believe it... he was a DWARF!!!
He stormed over to my car, looked up at me, and shouted, "I AM NOT HAPPY!!!"
So, I looked down at him and said, " Well, then which one are you?"
And thats how the fight started....
George Bush swears he sees Moses in the crowd at a rally....
.....and he doesn't want to miss the opportunity to meet such a well-known biblical celebrity.
He yells at him, "Sir, you look a lot like a man from the old testament. Are you Moses?" Looking around, the man slowly shakes his head side to side denying the gesture. Bush is not convinced.. one more time he asks, "Sir, I don't see the need to lie to me; are you Moses?" Once again, a back and forth shaking of his head. Bush tells his security detail to interrogate him.
His lead security agent asks the man in complete confidence, "The beard, the cloak, the staff, the wrinkled skin... you look exactly like Moses." Moses replies, "Because I am."
Confused, the security agent asks, "Why didn't you just tell the president that then? What harm could it have caused?" As a matter of factly, Moses replies, "The last time I talked to a Bush, I was stranded in a desert for 40 years."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Kids are like smoking cigarettes.
I love them for about 5 minutes a day, until I realize that they are slowly killing me.
Jim Jefferies
There were once some monks who decided to raise money by opening a flower shop
There was once an order of monks that needed to raise some money. They figured that the best way to do this was by opening a flower shop and selling flowers.
Now, these monks sold their flowers really cheap, and everyone liked the idea of buying flowers from men of God, so much so that all the other florists slowly lost all their business.
Realizing their predicament, the florists banded to figure out how to remove these monks. They finally settled on Big Hugh, the best kneecapper in town. Big Hugh went to the monks and made several casual comments about the flammability of their monastary. Cowed, the monks caved to his demands, thus proving that only Hugh can prevent florist friars.
An engineer, a doctor and a priest are playing golf
There is an old joke about an engineer, a priest, and a doctor enjoying a round of golf. Ahead of them is a group playing so slowly and inexpertly that in frustration the three ask the greenkeeper for an explanation. That's a group of blind firefighters, they are told. They lost their sight saving our clubhouse last year, so we let them play for free.
The priest says, I will say a prayer for them tonight.
The doctor says, Let me ask my ophthalmologist colleagues if anything can be done for them.
And the engineer says, Why can't they play at night?"
A man and wife are in bed, when...
...when the man slides his hand slowly across her shoulders, across her waist, under her neck, under her back, & suddenly stops...
Wife: " ( In a romantic voice) Why did u stop?"
Man: "(Whispering) I found the remote. You can go back to sleep"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A German, a Russian, and a Syrian are in a life raft ...
The raft is slowly sinking and the 3 castaways are afraid it will sink before they are rescued, so they start looking around for things they can dispose of to lighten the load.
The Russian takes a case of fine v**..., throws it overboard and says, "We have plenty of that in my country."
Seeing the Russian's generous gesture, the Syrian takes a bag of fine hibiscus tea, throws it overboard and says, "We have plenty in my country."
Finally, the German, seeing that it is his turn, throws the Syrian overboard and says, "We have plenty of those in my country."
A cowboy walks into a saloon…
and orders himself a drink at the bar counter. Turning to the fellow sitting next to him, he slowly utters, Combat. Battle. Warfare. Skirmish. Brawl. Scuffle.
The other man slams his glass down on the counter, gets up out of his seat, turns to face the cowboy, and says, Hey, them's fightin' words!
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
On a scale from Casey Anthony to j**... Sandusky... how much do you like kids?...
Somewhere around a Ronald McDonald, I pretend to like them but slowly kill them with diabetes
A trip to Wales.
A couple are driving through Wales late one night and they pass through Llanfairpwllgwyngyllgogerychwyrndrobwilllantysiliogogogoch. With nothing much else to do , they start arguing over the pronunciation. Eventually they decide to stop somewhere and ask a local. They pull up somewhere and go inside, and ask the staff member "excuse me, could you pronounce the name of this place, really slowly?"
The kid behind the counter gives them a confused look, and says "burr-gurr kiiiiing"
Two Jehovah's Witnesses knock on someone's door
The house owner opens the door. "Good morning, would you like to learn about God today?" The houseowner was a little bored, and slightly curious, so he lets them in. They slowly enter, and sit down on the couch across from the houseowner. After a few seconds of silence, the houseowner asks, "Well?" The Jehovah's Witnesses look at each other and says to the houseowner, "We don't know what to say, we've never made it this far."
My wife and I were lying in bed the other day...
My hands were slowly finding their way across her body.
I whispered, "I'm gonna make you the happiest woman in the world."
She whispered back, "I'll miss you."
Rita found her husband hanging in his bedroom one morning with a note on his bed reading I can't take the critism anymore.
She quickly cut the rope, brought him down and managed to revive him.
As her husband lay in her arms and slowly opened his eyes, she said emotionally my dear…that's NOT how you spell criticism!
A physicist, engineer, and mathematician are asked by a local farmer to build the smallest fence they possibly can to hold in all of his sheep.
The physicist builds a big fence and slowly reduces the size until he can't reduce the fence any longer.
The engineer measures each sheep, stacks them in a specific way, and then builds a fence around them.
The mathematician builds a small fence around himself, then defines himself to be outside the fence.
Two friends are visiting Wales
Two friends are visiting Wales when they come to the town of Llanfairpwllgwyngyllgogerychwyrndrobwllllantysiliogogogoch. They are arguing about how to pronounce it, so they decide to go to the fast food restaurant that they are near, and ask the cashier to pronounce the town name.
They ask the cashier "Where am I? Pronounce it slowly for us please."
The cashier replies, "Buurrrrr-guuuurrrrr kiiiiing"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
I found my son hanging from a rope in his bedroom.
On the floor was a note saying, "I can't stand the critism anymore."
I quickly cut him down, gave him CPR and he started to breathe.
As he lay in my arms I saw his eyes slowly open and I said, "That's not how you spell criticism."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
I took a girl back to my house for s**... last night.
After going upstairs, I slowly removed my clothes and climbed under the quilt.
You'll have to be really quiet, I whispered, My mum & dad are asleep.
I can see that, she said, Have you not got your own bed?
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Say what you want about paedophiles...
...at least they drive slowly through school zones.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
I went for a romantic break with the wife
She came out of the bathroom and said "take off my dress"
As I peeled off her dress, she said "take off my bra"
My hands trembled as I unclasped the strap. Then came "take off my knickers"
I slowly pulled them down, and she shouted
"and I don't ever want to catch you wearing them again!"
Before I could take a drink of my milk, my dad snatched the glass from in front of me, held it just to the side of my head and slowly moved it from one side of my face to the other. There, it's safe to drink now , he said....
It's been past your eyes
He's been gone for almost 20 years, and I still remember the dad jokes like they were perfectly executed yesterday.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
The wife looks at herself in the mirror and complain to her husband: I am so ugly and wrinkle and fat. Do I even have any good traits?
The husband put down his newspaper and slowly answer: Your eyesight is excellent darling
Smart waitress
A husband and wife were driving through Louisiana. As they approached Natchitoches, they started arguing about the pronunciation of the town. They argued back and forth, then they stopped for lunch. At the counter, the husband asked the blonde waitress, "Before we order, could you please settle an argument for us? Would you please pronounce where we are very slowly?" She leaned over the counter and said, "Burrr-gerrr Kiiing."
A old man walks into a McDonalds
He is bent over and shuffling slowly. He approaches the counter with great difficulty and orders an ice cream sundae.
The cashier asks "Crushed nuts?"
The old man replies, "No arthritis."
A couple is dining in a restaurant when suddenly the waitress catches the man slowly sliding under the table
She sees that the woman is not bothered by this and assumes the worst...
Thinking how to approach the situation, she slowly gets to the table and quietly tells the woman:
"Ma'am, I think your husband just slid under the table for no apparent reason"
The woman turns her head and whispers:
"You're wrong my dear, my husband just entered the restaurant..."
There was this haunted ICU in a hospital... People always died at 3pm on a Sunday afternoon, regardless of their medical condition.
This puzzled medical staff, so a group of doctors decided to keep a watch on the bed in secret and waited for the fateful hour.
At 3pm, the door to the ward slowly opened, then a cleaner came in, disconnected the life support machine and plugged in a vacuum cleaner.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Dave's wife tied him to the bed posts last night.
Dave's wife tied him to the bed posts last night. Unable to move, he could do nothing to stop her slowly stripping down to her bra and pants in front of him.
She knelt on the bed, between his thighs and said
"Ok big boy, what would you like me to take off next?"
Dave gulped: "My glasses, please."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
What is one good thing about child molesters?
They drive slowly in the school zones
A scientist runs into an AA meeting...
...and exclaims "we did it! We found a medical cure for alcoholism! All you have to do is take this one pill daily and you are cured."
Slowly a hand raises in the back and a man says "what happens if you take two?"
A man is in a mental hospital because he believes himself to be a seed.
He is treated for years by one of the world's best psychiatrists. After 6 years, he finally becomes convinced that he is not, in fact, a seed. There is a party to celebrate his release from the hospital.
A chicken shows up to the party. The man freezes and slowly starts to inch behind a nearby tree. His psychiatrist notices and sighs: "I thought you were over this. You are not a seed, remember?"
The man replies: "look, you know that I am not a seed. I know that I am not a seed. But does the chicken know?"
"This is the hardest part of our job," said the police officer after Adam was pronounced dead in the accident.
"Yeah, but break the news slowly. His wife is a very sensitive person."
The police officer knocks on the door and Adam's wife opens it.
"Are you Adam's widow?" said the police.
A cop sees a car driving slowly and wiggly, changing lanes for no reason and so on
He pulls the car over, a man and a woman sit in it.
Cop: "I had to pull you over, you can't drive like that!"
Man: "I'm sorry, I've drank a little bit to much..."
Cop: "That's not an excuse to let your wife drive!"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A nights work...
A guy meets a s**... worker in a bar.
She says, "Hey, tonight is your lucky night. I've got a very special game for us to play. Tonight I'll do absolutely anything you want for £300 as long as you can say it in three words."
The guy replies, "Hey, why not?, you're on" So he proceeds to put £300 on the bar from his wallet, and says to the s**... worker slowly. "Paint…my….house."
Where are we?
Not mine:
Two tourists were driving through Wisconsin. As they were approaching Oconomowoc, they started arguing about the pronunciation of the town's name. They argued back and forth until they stopped for lunch. As they stood at the counter, one tourist asked the blonde employee. "Before we order, could you please settle an argument for us? Would you please pronounce where we are... very slowly? The blonde girl leaned over the counter and said, Burrrrrr, gerrrrrr, Kiiiing."
A blonde and two brunettes had to climb 100 stairs without laughing
On each stair they were told a joke, and they got funnier every stair higher.
The first brunette only made it to the first stair.
The second brunette made it to the fifth stair before she laughed.
The blonde slowly made her way up all the stairs, until finally she was at the 99th stair, where she let out a chuckle.
The brunettes, in awe of how well she did, asked her why she laughed.
She replied I finally got the first joke
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
My 3 year old's knock knock joke - innocence shattered
3 yr old: Knock Knock Daddy!
Me: Who's there?
3 yr old: (excitedly waving around their fork heaped with spaghetti and slinging sauce everywhere) Fork!
Me: Fork who?
*wife and I lock eyes; we each slowly make "the face" as we realize what is about to come out of our 3 year old's mouth*
3 yr old: Fork you Daddy!!!!! (delirious laughter)
(for those who aren't parents, imagine how someone who is learning to talk might pronounce "fork you"). My 3yr old lost their innocence in my eyes today. May as well pack them up and get them ready for college.
4 Monks are being chased by a Hungry Lion!
4 Monks are being chased by a Hungry Lion. As they run, they cry out to God yelling, "PLEASE LORD! CONVERT THIS LION TO BE A CHRISTIAN LION!"
They run until they reach a dead end.
They hungry lion approaches slowly, as they cry out louder:
"PLEASE LORD HEAR OUR PRAYERS AND CONVERT HIM!"
They lion stops walking, and the monks praise God.
The lion kneels down, puts his paws together and says:
"Bless us, O Lord, and these, thy gifts, which we are about to receive through thy bounty, through Christ, our Lord, Amen."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
My drug-selling friend got in a car c**... and lost an arm, so now he only has use of one hand.
He's slowly dealing with it.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
I visited an art gallery.
"Absolutely gorgeous, don't you think?" I asked the fellow next to me. "The way the yellow combines with the grey...the way the colours intertwine. Truly beautiful."
He slowly stepped away from the u**... and left.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Two Parachutists
Two parachutists jumped out of a plane, they had headsets on so they could talk to each other on the way down.
One man's parachute opened, the other one's didn't.
The guy with the defective c**... was falling fast but appeared to be slowly and very calmly trying to figure out the issue. Appeared to be in no rush.
The other guy with the good c**... said Hey, you look so calm and collected. Why are you taking your time? Why aren't you panicking?
The guy with the unopened c**... said Hey, why should I rush? I've got the rest of my life to figure it out .
A man goes to the doctor because his eye has been bothering him
As soon as he walks in the doctor takes one look at him and says "You have eye cancer."
The man is shocked and asks the doctor, "You are able to diagnose someone with eye cancer by just taking one look at them?!"
And the doctor slowly replies, "Eye cancer."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A college student slowly walks into a bar and orders a beer. He starts talking to the bartender.
"What a day. Our physics professor has to be one of the most difficult professors on the campus." The student complains. "If she wasn't so drop dead gorgeous I would've dropped the class already." The bartender looks at him and says "So you could say she's easy on the eyes, but hard on the pupils?"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
My wheelchair bound grandpa is in the nursing home.
I went to visit him for the first time. As we're discussing the local baseball team, he starts slowly leaning to the right in his chair. A nurse come running over and straightens him back up.
As the topic turns to football, he slowly starts leaning to the left. The same nurse rushes over to straighten him up again.
As she walked away, I asked:
Me: So gramps, how do you like living here so far?
A tear starts running down his face as he gets this wistful look in his eyes.
Grandpa: it's not too bad. I just wish they would let me f**....
A young, extremely perky woman gets into an elevator with an older man...
The woman smiles broadly and says, "TGIF"!
The man slowly turns to her and deadpans, "S.h.i.t."
The woman, thinking that he didn't hear her, slowly repeats "T.G.I.F."
He simply responds, "S.h.i.t.", just as slowly.
Exasperated, she laughs and says, "TGIF stands for Thank God It's Friday!, Silly!"
The man replies, "I know that but Sorry Honey, It's Thursday."
Whilst driving through Wales with my pal, we stopped off at Llanfairpwllgwyngyllgogerychwyrndrobwllllantysiliogogogoch for lunch.
I asked the waitress, "Could you settle an argument for us. Can you pronounce where we are, very slowly?" The waitress replied, "Burr gerr King!"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
An old guy was sitting eating at a local truck stop...
when three big, burly bikers walked in. The first stubbed his cigarette out in the old guy's pie, the second walked past and spat in his coffee, and the last flipped the guy's plate over, tipping the rest of his meal everywhere.
The old guy didn't say a word. He just got up and slowly walked out of the truck stop.
"Huh" snorted the first biker. "He wasn't much of a man, was he?"
"Nope" replied their server. "He's not much of a truck driver either. He just backed up and crushed 3 motorcycles with his rig."
An old man.....
An old man limped into a doctors office and said, "Doctor, my left knee hurts so bad, I can hardly walk!"
The doctor, slowly eyed him from head to toe, and asked, "Sir, how old are you?"
The old man replied that he was 98.
The doctor, just sighed, and said to the old man, "Sir, just look at you, you're 98 years of age! You're nearly 100 years old, and you're complaining that your left knee hurts! What do you expect?"
The old man looks at him and replies, "Well my right knee's also 98, and that doesn't hurt!"
A man with no arms and no legs always had a dream of becoming a firefighter.
His mother didn't want to crush his dreams but she knew he would never be accepted. She let him set up an interview so he could be let down slowly. Surprisingly, she picked him up and he gave her the news that he got the job. She was shocked. On his first day of work, she wanted to check in on him so she called 911 and reported a fire at her home. She waited outside as she anxiously waited to watch her son in action. As the fire truck flies down the street, she sees her son attached to the top, yelling: Weyoweyoweyo !
As my daughter was walking out the door to go on her first date, in my best grumpy old tough guy dad voice, I growled, "I want her home before midnight." The boy she was going with stopped dead in his tracks, turned slowly around and with wide eyes replied....
"But you already own her home!"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Two bunnies are walking in the woods......
Two bunnies are walking in the woods. They're approached by a large bear. The bear says, "Do you guys have any problems with c**... sticking to your fur?" Bunny #1 says to bunny #2, "Back away very slowly...... I know how this joke ends!"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A man went skydiving for the first time. "It's easy," said the instructor.
"Just count to five and pull on the main c**...," the instructor continued. "If that doesn't open, count to ten and pull on the reserve c**...."
"Super easy," he concluded. "Then you'll float slowly to the ground, and our bus will be there to drive you back to the airport."
The man jumped out the plane, and pulled on the main c**.... Nothing happened. He pulled on the reserve c**.... Nothing happened.
He looked down at the ground which was approaching fast, and said: "I bet that bus won't be there to pick me up either."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Grandpa's 100th birthday party was not a huge success.
The family wheeled him in his chair out onto the lawn for a picnic. When he slowly started to lean to the right, his daughter stuffed a pillow on his right side to prop him up. A bit later, he started leaning to the left. His son straightened him up and stuffed a pillow on his left side. Soon he started tilting forward. This time his other son caught him and tied a pillow around his waist.
A few minutes later, his grandson arrived. He said, Hey, Grandpa! How's life treating you?
Terrible, he said. They won't let me f**....
A policeman stops a car that is going very slowly on the I40 highway, and says to the driver "Why are you going so slow? You're holding up traffic!"
"Well," says the man, "the signs say I40."
"That's the road number," says the policeman, "not the speed limit."
Then he notices a woman in the back seat, trembling all over. "Is your passenger all right, sir?" he asks.
"Don't worry officer," says the man, "my wife is always like that when we come off Hwy I170."
How many lawyers does it take to grease a combine harvester?
Just one, but you squeeze them through really slowly.
Bear buys a new motorbike
And he wants to show it off to his friend rabbit. They get on and slowly go up a big hill. Then on the way down they go 80, 90, 100, 110, 120 km/h! The bear then asks the rabbit:
Are you scared?
Nope , says the rabbit, so they finish the ride and get off the bike.
May I try driving now? , asks the rabbit.
Sure, why not .
So they slowly go up the hill again, this time with the rabbit driving. And then they go down 80, 90, 100, 110, 120km/h! and the rabbit asks the bear:
Are you scared?
Nope!
Well you should be, cause I can't reach the brakes.
